The Big Bang Theory (2007–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Peanut Reaction - full transcript

LEONARD: Nice move.
RAJESH: I've got it.

HOWARD: Take him down.
LEONARD: He's got you, Sheldon.

HOWARD: Come on.
LEONARD: He's completely schooling you.

Hey, guys, some of the other waitresses
wanted me to ask you something.

- It's Tressling.
- It combines the physical strength...

...of arm wrestling with the mental agility
of Tetris into the ultimate sport.

That's terrific, but what they wanted me
to ask you is to cut it the hell out.

All right, come on, guys. Come on.

WAIT STAFF [SINGING]:
Happy birthday to you

We might as well stop, it's a stalemate.

You're beating me in Tetris, but you've got
the upper body strength of a Keebler elf.



Keebler elf?
I got a Keebler elf right here.

[RAJESH GROAN ING]

Okay, it's a stalemate.

Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday
for your free birthday cheesecake?

He can't eat cheesecake.
He's lactose intolerant.

Okay, he can have carrot cake.

- What about the cream-cheese frosting?
- He can scrape it off.

Forget about the cake.
How did you know my birthday's Saturday?

I did your horoscope, remember?

I was gonna do everybody's until Sheldon
went on one of his psychotic rants.

For the record, that psychotic rant...

...was a concise summation
of the research of Bertram Forer...

...who, in 1948, proved conclusively...

...through meticulous experiments...



...that astrology
is pseudoscientific hokum.

Blah, blah, blah. Typical Taurus.

- So we gonna see you Saturday?
- I don't think so.

- Why not?
- I don't celebrate my birthday.

Shut up. Yeah, you do.

It's no big deal.
It's the way I was raised.

My parents focused
on celebrating achievements...

...and being expelled from a birth canal
was not considered one of them.

- That's so silly.
- It's actually based on very sound theories.

- His mother published a paper on it.
- Well, what was it called?

"I Hate My Son
and That's Why He Can't Have Cake"?

SHELDON:
It was obviously effective.

Leonard grew up to be
an experimental physicist.

Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas,
he'd be a little better at it.

Thank you.

Well, I love birthdays. Waking up
to Mom's special French-toast breakfast...

...wearing the birthday king crown,
playing laser tag with all my friends.

Yeah, see? That's what kids should have.

Actually, that was last year.

So you've really never had
a birthday party?

No, but it was okay.

When I was little, I'd think my parents
would change their mind and surprise me.

This one birthday,
I came home from my cello lesson...

...and I saw strange cars
parked out front.

When I got to the door,
I hear whispering...

...and I could smell German chocolate cake,
which is my favorite.

- And?
- It turns out my grandfather had died.

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

Well, it was kind of like a birthday party.

I got to see all my cousins,
and there was cake, so...

- That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
- You think?

Go ahead,
tell her about your senior prom.

HOWARD:
Make sure they remember, no peanuts.

Howard, every Thai restaurant in town
knows you can't eat peanuts.

When they see me coming,
they go, "Ah, no-peanut boy."

- Hello, Penny, Leonard just left.
- I know, I wanna talk to you.

What would we talk about?

We have no overlapping
areas of interest I'm aware of.

- As you know, I don't care for chitchat.
- Can you just let me in?

Well, all right, but I don't see this
as a promising endeavor.

Okay, here's the deal.

We'll throw Leonard a kickass
surprise party for his birthday.

I hardly think so.

Leonard made it clear
he doesn't want a party.

Did someone say party?

He just doesn't know he wants one,
because he's never had one.

I suppose that's possible.

But for the record, I've never had
a threesome and yet I still know I want one.

Here's the difference.

The possibility exists
Leonard could have a birthday party...

...before hell freezes over.

Fine. If I do have a threesome,
you can't be part of it.

I'm just kidding. Yes, you can.

Can you bring a friend?

I think a birthday party is a terrible idea.

I envy Leonard for growing up
without that anguish.

Anguish?

Year after year,
I had to endure wearing conical hats...

...while being forced into the crowded,
sweaty hell of bouncy castles.

Not to mention being blindfolded...

...and spun toward
a grotesque tailless donkey...

...as the other children mocked
my disorientation.

Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars
that no non-professional can heal...

...but nevertheless, we're gonna
throw Leonard a birthday party.

I'm extremely uncomfortable
with dancing...

...loud music and most other forms
of alcohol-induced frivolity.

- Nevertheless...
- In addition...

You either help me
throw Leonard a birthday party...

...or I will go into your bedroom...

...and unbag all
your mint-condition comic books.

And on one of them... You won't know
which... I'll draw a tiny happy face in ink.

You can't do that. If you make a mark
in a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.

Do you understand
the concept of blackmail?

Well, of course, I... Oh.

Yeah, I have an idea. Let's throw Leonard
a kickass birthday party.

That's not the secret knock.

This is the secret knock:

What difference does it make?

The point of a secret knock
is to establish a nonverbal signal...

...to verify the identity
of one's coconspirators.

PENNY: Is that Raj and Howard?
- Possibly, but unverified.

Would you just let us in?

Luckily for you,
this is not a nuclear reactor.

So, what'd you get the birthday boy?

Raj got him an awesome
limited-edition Dark Knight sculpture...

...based on Alex Ross'
definitive Batman.

And I got him this amazing autographed
copy of The Feynman Lectures on Physics.

Nice. I got him a sweater.

Okay, well, he might like that.
I've seen him get chilly.

- Sheldon, I didn't see your present.
- That's because I didn't bring one.

- Why not?
- Don't ask.

The entire institution of gift-giving
makes no sense.

- Too late.
- Let's say I go out and I spend $50 on you.

It's a laborious activity
because I have to imagine what you need...

...where you know what you need.

I could simplify things,
just give you the $50 directly...

...and then you could give me $50
on my birthday and so on...

...until one of us dies,
leaving the other one old and $50 richer.

And I ask you, is it worth it?

Told you not to ask.

Well, Sheldon, you're his friend.
Friends give each other presents.

I accept your premise,
I reject your conclusion.

Try telling him
it's a non-optional social convention.

- What?
- Just do it.

[PENNY GROANS]

It's a non-optional social convention.

Ah, fair enough.

He came with a manual.

Question, how am I going to get Leonard
a present before the party?

I don't drive and the things available
in walking distance...

...are a Thai restaurant
and a gas station.

I could wrap up an order of mee krob
and a couple of lottery scratchers.

Okay, let's do this.
I will drive Sheldon to get a present.

- Howard, get rid of Leonard for two hours.
- No problem.

And then, Raj, you bring the stuff
across the hall and start setting up.

- What if guests show up?
- Entertain them.

What if they're women?

Stare at them
and make them feel uncomfortable.

[GUNSHOTS ON TV]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How's it going?
- Fine.

So listen, the Nuart is showing the revised,
definitive cut of Blade Runner.

- Seen it.
- No.

You've seen
the 25th Anniversary Final Cut.

This one has eight seconds
of previously-unseen footage.

They say it completely changes
the tone of the film.

Pass.

Come on. Afterwards, there's a Q&A
with Harrison Ford's body double.

Look, I am in the "Halo" battle
of my life here.

There's this kid in Copenhagen,
he has no immune system.

So all he does is sit in his bubble
and play "Halo" 24/7.

Can't you play him some other time?

Not if you believe his doctors.

Oh, my God, do you smell gas?

- No.
- Yeah, no.

PENNY:
You know, they have DVDs over there.

Yes, but they have DVD burners
over here.

Leonard needs a DVD burner.

Sheldon, a gift shouldn't be
something someone needs.

It should be something fun.

- Something they wouldn't buy for themself.
- You mean, like a sweater?

Well, it's a fun sweater.
It's got a bold geometric print.

- Is it the geometry that makes it fun?
- Okay.

The point is, one of the ways
we show we care about people...

...is by putting thought and imagination
into the gifts we give them.

- Okay, I see, so not a DVD burner.
- Exactly.

Something he wouldn't buy for himself,
something fun, something like... Ah!

An 802. 11n wireless router.

Here you go, Copenhagen boy.

How about a taste
of Hans Christian hand grenade?

[EXPLOSION ON TV]

[MOUTHING]

LEONARD:
That could not feel good.

Come on, come on. Oh, you clever...

Come on, come on.

Take that.

Uh-oh.

[SHOUTING]
Uh-oh.

- What's the matter?
- This granola bar has peanuts in it.

- Oh, my God. Why did you eat it?
- I don't know, it was just there.

Well, if I had a gun there,
would you have shot yourself?

Don't yell at me.

- I've gotta go to the emergency room.
- Now?

No, after my tongue has swollen
to the size of a brisket.

All right, just let me get my keys.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...

The laundry is out of the hamper.

Okay, Sheldon,
what was it supposed to be?

Fine, it's out of the washer.

I'll call you when it's in the dryer.

All right, let's go.

[CLEARING THROAT]

[PENNY SIGHING]

- What do you think?
- Um, that one.

- Because of the additional Ethernet ports?
- Sure.

He doesn't need them.
He's got a six-port Ethernet switch.

- Oh, okay, then this one.
- Why?

I don't know.
The man on the box looks so happy.

Penny, if I'm going to buy Leonard a gift,
I'm going to do it right.

I refuse to let him experience
the same childhood trauma I did.

I know I'm gonna regret this,
but what trauma?

On my 12th birthday,
I really wanted a titanium centrifuge...

...so, you know,
I could separate radioactive isotopes.

Of course, yeah.

Instead of a titanium centrifuge,
my parents bought me...

Wow, this is hard.

They got me a motorized dirt bike.

No.

What 12-year-old boy
wants a motorized dirt bike?

All of them.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Huh.

- So we're getting this one?
- Yeah, I suppose.

All right, let's go.

Excuse me,
do you know anything about this stuff?

I know everything about this stuff.

Okay, I have my own
wholesale flower business.

I wanna hook up my computer
in the front...

...with the one
in my refrigerated warehouse.

Buy this one, it's the one we're getting.
Happy guy.

No, she doesn't want that.

She needs a point-to-point peer network
with a range extender.

- Thank you.
- Which hard drive do I want?

- FireWire or USB?
- It depends on what bus you have available.

I drive a Chevy Cavalier.

Oh, dear Lord.

- We have to go.
- Not now, this poor man needs me.

You, hold on, I'll be right with you.

What computer do you have,
and please don't say a white one.

- Excuse me.
- Fill this out and have a seat.

We're throwing
my friend a surprise party...

...and I'm supposed to keep him out
for two hours.

Uh-huh. Fill this out and have a seat.

The way I could get him
to leave was tell him I ate a peanut.

I'm allergic to peanuts.

Well, in that case,
fill this out and have a seat.

All I need from you
is to give me a BAND-AID.

I can pretend I had epinephrine.

Tell my friend you need to keep me
under observation for an hour.

- Is that all you need?
- Yes.

Get out of my ER.

- No, you don't understand.
- I understand.

But unfortunately, this hospital
is not equipped to treat stupid.

Okay, I get it.
I know how the world works.

How about if I were to introduce you
to the man who freed your people?

Unless my people were freed
by Benjamin Franklin...

...and his five twin brothers,
you are wasting your time.

Hey. Sorry, I couldn't find a parking spot.
How are you doing?

Bad, very bad.

Really? You don't look
like you're swelling up.

We should pick up Benadryl
at the drugstore and go home.

- We can't go home.
- Why not?

Because... Phbbtt!

Brisket. Brisket.

- Water, need water.
- I'll be right back.

[CLEARING THROAT]

- Penny, listen, I've got a problem.
- Yeah, well, so do I.

- You gotta stall Leonard longer.
- I don't think I can.

You have to.
We all have to be there to yell "surprise."

You have to understand something.
We're in a hospital right now.

Why? Is Leonard okay?

Leonard's fine. I'm fine,
thanks for asking, by the way.

Okay, I don't need your attitude.
Just hold him there a little longer.

I've done my best, but he wants to go home
and I don't know how to stop him.

Okay, how about this?

Keep him longer,
when you get to the party...

...I'll point out which of my friends
are easy.

Don't toy with me, woman.

I got a former fat girl
with no self-esteem.

A girl who punishes her father
by sleeping around.

An alcoholic who's two tequila shots
away from letting you wear her like a hat.

Thy will be done.

I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

Okay, we don't have that in stock...

...but I can special-order it for you.

Him.

Excuse me, sir, you don't work here.

Yes, well, apparently,
neither does anyone else.

- Sheldon, we have to go.
- Why?

We're late for Leonard's birthday party...

...and for another,
I told him to call security.

Good luck.

By the way, a 6-year-old
could hack your computer.

Keep walking.

Yeah, 1234 is not a secure password.

My friend
is having allergic reaction to peanuts.

- No, he's not.
- Yes, he is.

Look, sir, we are very busy here
and I just don't...

Holy crap.

Please help me.

Code four. I need a gurney.

- Right away, right away.
- Thank you.

Say what you will
about healthcare in this country...

...but when they're afraid of lawsuits,
they sure test everything.

HOWARD: I really don't think
the colonoscopy was necessary.

Before you got all swollen up...

...I thought you're trying to keep me out
of the apartment...

...so you could throw me
a surprise party.

Oh, right, it's your birthday.

I had no idea it was your birthday.
I forgot.

What a lousy way to spend a birthday.
Well, it's all over now.

There is a party, isn't there?

Maybe.

Howard.

- Are you mad?
- How could I be mad?

You actually risked your life
because you care about me.

Yeah, that's why I did it.

All right, here we go.

My first birthday party.

[SINGING CYNDI LAUPER'S
"TRUE COLORS"]

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

Dude, everybody left an hour ago.

Surprise.

[ON PHONE]
Okay, Leonard...

...here I am at your birthday party.

I don't know where you are, dude,
but it's really kickass.

Everyone is very, very drunk and...
Ooh, mmm.

Oh, and look,
there's a girl taking her shirt off.

That's my friend Carol.

Remind me,
I gotta introduce her to Howard.

RAJESH: Oh, sweet Krishna,
shake that rupee maker.

- I'm so sorry you didn't get your party.
- It's okay.

Well, happy birthday anyways.

Hey, Penny, when's your birthday?

[English - US - SDH]