The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 5, Episode 9 - Clampett Cha Cha Cha - full transcript

Granny wins free lessons from a supposedly acclaimed dance school.

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was shooting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is ♪
Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

Paw, Jethro, come quick!

Paw, Jethro!

- What's the matter, child?
- It's Granny.

Some fella on the phone says
she can win five free dance lessons

if she answers a
simple question.

- The dickens you say.
- What's the question?

He ain't asked it yet. Granny's stalling
him till you can come in and help her.

Come on, let's go. It ain't every day
you can win five free dance lessons.

Just hold the phone
a little while longer.

I'm almost ready. Nice
weather we're having, ain't it?

I say nice weather we're having!

- Is he still on the phone, Granny?
- Thank goodness you're here.

- If I answer a question...
- I know. Let him ask the question.

All right, start
with the question.

Got a bad connection.

All right, start
with the question.

- What'd he say? What'd he say, Granny?
- He said to get ready for the question.

Shh.

What large neighbor of ours is
located just south of the border?

Let's see, now.
South lays thataway.

Why, it must be Miss Drysdale.

- Yeah, she's large.
- It's Miss Drysdale!

Yeah.

It's Mexico.

Oh, shucks.

- I get another chance?
- Yee-ha!

Shh. Who's Mount
McKinley named after?

Let's see, now. That must be...

Wait, wait. McKinley.

That's it. I won, I won!

[LAUGHS]

There's where my
education pays off, huh?

That was Marvin, of the famous
Marvin and Marita Dance Studios.

They're coming right over to
the house to give me my lesson.

I'll be waiting.

They was calling from the grand ballroom
of their international headquarters.

Did you have to give them that
international headquarters bit?

What did you want me to do, tell
'em we're calling from a phone booth

and only got three dimes left?

Why did you have to tell
'em we have a ballroom?

We don't even have a hotel room.

Never mind. Let
me do the talking.

You've been doing nothing
but talking since we got married.

We were gonna be the biggest
dance team since Astaire and Rogers.

- We were gonna play the Palace.
- We did play the Palace.

Yeah, in Saginaw, Michigan.

Look, all we need is a new act.

Now, giving these lessons will tide
us over until we can put one together.

Now, come on, let's get
out to the Clampetts here

and teach them how
to swing and sway

and dance their way to
poise and social success.

OK, Twinkletoes, as
soon as you get off my foot.

Mr. Clampett just called, chief.

Granny answered a telephone
quiz correctly and won...

- How much?
- Well, actually it was five...

Five thousand dollars.

- No, chief...
- Five hundred?

- All she won was...
- Five dollars.

Well, as Ben Franklin said, five
dollars saved is five dollars earned.

Benjamin Franklin said, "A
penny saved is a penny earned."

So what can you expect from a guy
that stands out in the rain flying a kite?

Chief, Granny won five
ballroom dancing lessons.

Dancing lessons?

Yes, and I suggested that Elly
May and Jethro take them also.

It's a perfect way for them to acquire
social grace and meet some new people.

Well, if it's on the level.
What's the name of the school?

I believe it's called the
Marvin and Marita Studios.

You better check them out.

You know, some of these outfits
get you interested with free lessons.

Then you end up paying
through the nose for nothing.

Chief, that's unfair.

I once took a course that
started out with three lessons

and it made my social
life what it is today.

I'll check them out.

Howdy, Jed.

Granny, you look like
a field full of flowers.

I dug it out of the
trunk. I only wore it once.

To the Loyal Order of Muskrats Annual
Cotillion and Horseshoeing Contest.

I'll bet you was the
prettiest girl at the dance.

Didn't do so bad at the
horseshoeing contest neither.

I don't doubt that. Ain't
that kind of a fancy dress?

Jed, this ain't square
dancing. It's ballroom dancing.

- You know, like in the movies.
- I know.

Where a tall, handsome,
distinguished gentleman

walks up to you
and bows real low

and says, "May I have this
dance with you, madam?"

And then off you go, floating
around the floor like a butterfly.

- [KNOCKING]
- I'll get it.

That's probably Marvin, my tall,
handsome, distinguished gentleman.

We are here, Marvin and Marita.

I don't suppose there's any
chance that you're Marita?

I'm Marvin. This is Marita.

- Hello.
- Howdy.

- Howdy.
- Mr. Clampett.

Don't be disappointed, Granny.
He's probably a real high stepper.

It don't matter.

At my age you have to take your
ballroom dancing where you can get it.

- Get a load of Scarlett O'Hara.
- Yeah.

Well, start playing Rhett Butler
and sell some dance lessons.

Howdy. I'm Jed Clampett
and this here is Granny.

- Howdy. Let's dance!
- Granny.

Oh, I don't blame her for
being anxious, Mr. Clampett.

After all, dancing
lessons are the key

to meeting people, new
friendships, romance.

Sounds like just the thing
for my daughter and nephew.

Wonderful. Let me tell you
about our M and M method.

- Start the music!
- It's the free lessons.

- First thing she ever won, you know.
- I understand.

And now we'll show you how easy it is
to swing and sway and dance your way...

[LIVELY MUSIC]

What's that they're doing, Paw?

That's ballroom dancing, Elly.

Yeah, except I won the lessons
and she's getting all the dancing.

It sure looks like
fun. Can I learn how?

Why, sure. I was hoping
you and Jethro'd want to.

[WHISTLES] I'll go get him.

I've had enough of this.

- I'm cutting in.
- What?

I didn't get all frissied up to
watch you two have a high old time.

I believe that I will have Jethro
and Elly take these lessons of yours.

Oh, we'd be very honored, Mr. Clampett.
I'll... I'll get the contracts.

Course, I want 'em to take 'em down
where they'll meet the most people,

down to the grand
ballroom of yours.

[MUSIC STOPS]

- Hey, what happened to the music?
- Is something wrong?

Well, you see, it's
about the ballroom.

We lost the lease on our
international headquarters.

Yes, the telephone
company has taken it over.

And so far we haven't been
able to find a ballroom big enough

to accommodate
all of our students.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Well, dance your troubles away.

- Start the music.
- Now, wait.

Now, don't you worry, Mr. Marvin.
You can give your lessons right here.

Just bring all your
students over here.

All our students?
No, we couldn't.

Well, maybe not all of 'em, but
bring a couple of hundred or so.

- No, we really couldn't.
- Yes, you could.

Now, start the music.

Well, it's about the students
we have. I mean, the students...

Well, all right, bring over
the whole ballroom full.

- We'll squeeze 'em in some way.
- Now, start the music.

- But, Mr. Clampett...
- Don't try to thank me.

Come on, let's dance.

Ow!

[LIVELY MUSIC]

Ow! You hammer-locked me.

Hey!

Now, what d'you wanna
do, dance or wrestle?

- That was a rumba.
- Well, this is a headlock.

- You give?
- Give!

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

No, Jethro, you've gotta
keep in time to the music.

I'm sorry. I keep forgetting
which to move, my feet or my jaws.

Well, let me take the sandwich.

Yeah, which end do you want?
Pig's knuckles or liverwurst?

Hey, Jethro, how are you doing?

Just past the baloney and I'm
heading into the sliced turkey.

Jethro, why don't you and
Elly here dance together, huh?

Good idea.

I'd rather dance with some
of them students of yours.

- When are they gonna show up?
- Oh, they'll be here, they'll be here.

You two just keep
practicing, huh?

- Yes, sir.
- Keep practicing.

Mm.

I wanna rumba.

Well, I'm used to chewing
to the cha-cha-cha.

I wanna rumba.

All right, Elly. You
rumba, I'll cha-cha-cha.

You sure got us into
something this time.

We've got to get out of here.

What do you mean?
We've got two students.

That's a 200 percent
increase over last week.

What about
Mr. Clampett and Granny?

They're expecting a
whole class to show up

and dance with Marge and
Gower Champion over here.

Relax. I'll think of
some kind of a stall.

Why, this is perfect. We've got paying
students and time to work on a new act.

You've got to get up there
and tell them the truth now.

The truth? Why?

Because it's the only honest,
moral, human thing to do.

That is not a good reason.

And I saw Granny with
a 12-gauge shotgun.

That is a good reason.

Jed, when is the dance
students gonna show up?

The ice is melting
in that punch I made.

Granny, I'm afraid
we got a big problem.

Yeah, what to do with 40
gallons of watery paw-paw punch.

Well, I'm thinking maybe none
of Marvin and Marita's students

are gonna show up at all.

I don't blame 'em. That
Marvin is a poop-out.

Talked a good tango, but after a
hour he was panting like a fat dog.

That ain't it, Granny.

I'm thinking maybe all of Marvin and
Marita's students left them high and dry

when they found out they lost
the lease on that grand ballroom.

Would they do that?

Well, I've noticed that a
lot of folks in Beverly Hills

set a great store
by tinsel and show.

Don't mean nothing to
'em what a body is or does.

Well, why didn't Marvin
or Marita say nothing?

Pride, Granny.

Must be a bitter pill when
all your students desert you

the minute you ain't
got a fancy dance hall.

Now, don't let on.

Mr. Clampett, Granny.

Howdy, Marvin.

Nice weather we're having.

Yes, well, I have
something very difficult to say

about the dance
students you're expecting.

You've come to tell
us that them students

ain't gonna show
up at all, right?

Right.

Marvin and Marita have no
international headquarters,

they have no grand ballroom
and they have no students.

He come right
out and admitted it.

We know it weren't easy.

- You mean you aren't angry?
- Course I'm angry.

Always riles me up when
folks is that downright ungrateful.

But we all gotta
learn to forgive.

That's right, Marvin.
What's done is done.

Oh, but I just feel terrible
about this whole thing.

I know you do, but we want
you to stop thinking about it.

And you're both
welcome to stay here

and teach Elly May and
Jethro as long as you like.

Well, thank you,
Mr. Clampett, Granny.

I'll go tell Marita.

Poor fella, he's
taking it awful hard.

Marvin, have you
snapped your cap?

No, everything's OK. They know all
about us and they're not mad at us.

You have snapped your cap.

No. We can stay!

[HUMS]

Marvin and Marita, temporary ballroom.
It didn't take 'em long to move in.

Well, now, chief, we don't know
that they've done anything wrong.

What are you talking about?

They don't have a bank reference,
a credit rating or a savings account.

People like that
should be behind bars.

Oh, chief.

There's only one way to
handle these desperate criminals.

Look them straight in the
eye, read 'em the riot act

and tell 'em to get out of town.

- I can hear them in there.
- Now, don't be afraid.

All right, in there!
We're coming in!

Don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're
just practicing a dance routine.

- Are you Marvin and Marita?
- Yeah. Who are you, Batman and Robin?

It so happens I am Milburn
Drysdale, Mr. Clampett's banker.

Miss Hathaway, see if
you can find Mr. Clampett.

If you have harmed so much
as one dollar of his head...

- That's "hair," chief.
- Just go find him.

- Now, what are you up to?
- Nothing. We teach dancing.

You mean you taught dancing.

Now, I'm giving you ten minutes
to get packed and out of here

or I'm letting the police know you
don't have a permit or a business license.

Well, I guess there's
nothing we can do.

Yes, that's right.

- Wait.
- Huh? What?

- Would you do that again?
- What?

That... That turn.
Watch, Marita.

You mean this?

- Beautiful!
- Fantastic grace.

Why, you must be a
professional dancer.

Why, no, I'm a banker.

Of course, I did a pretty
mean Charleston in college.

Just a minute.

Oh, I've never seen
such natural ability.

Would you try this?

- Terrific!
- Terrific!

[LIVELY MUSIC]

Well, I say we're
going to rumba.

No, we ain't. We're
gonna cha-cha-cha.

- Rumba.
- Cha-cha-cha.

Ow! Oh!

- Rumba.
- Cha-cha-cha.

- Rumba!
- Cha-cha-cha.

- Rumba.
- Cha-cha-cha.

That must be one of them new
dances the young 'uns has learned.

Looks like the girl
does the leading.

Things have sure
changed since our day.

Wonder which dance it is.

Appears to be the
rumba cha-cha-cha.

All right, all right, young
'uns. Stop your dancing.

Now, you're learning real good,
but we got something to say to you.

Well, I sure hope it's
that them students is here.

- I'm sure fed up with Jethro.
- Well, I'm fed up with you too.

Hold on, hold on. Now,
there's folks that need our help.

Them students of Marvin and
Marita have left 'em high in the lurch.

It's up to us to do everything
we can to perk up their spirits.

- [HUMS]
- I can't find...

Chief! Chief, what are you
doing with these people?

These people happen to
be professional entertainers

who recognize natural
ability when they see it.

I thought they were
desperate criminals.

That's your trouble, Miss
Hathaway, you're too suspicious.

- Why, they even played the Palace.
- But where are the Clampetts?

They said they'd
be out by the pool.

Now, we'd better
get back to the office

so I can wire the bankers'
convention committee.

You see, I'm in charge
of entertainment this year

and I wanna tell them that I have
found the perfect act to open the show.

- Oh, that's wonderful, Mr. Drysdale.
- We'll do our best.

Oh, no, no, you've helped enough.
All I need now is a little rehearsal.

[HUMS]

A star is born.

Now, let's forget it.

You know, what the
new act needs, I think,

is a stronger finish, you
know, something like this.

I do hope Marvin and Marita ain't
letting this get 'em down too bad.

Must have been a awful blow.

[MARVIN HUMS]

Hey.

- How's that?
- Uh-uh. It's no good.

They's trying to
cheer one another up.

Really?

[HUMS]

No, no. Nothing seems to work.

Don't that just
tear your heart out?

Singing and dancing
for one another.

Granny, we just got to
get them some students.

Granny, where's Marvin and Marita? I
don't want 'em to know what we're doing.

I served them victuals
out by the cement pond.

- They'll be there for a while.
- Good. Is Elly ready?

- She'll be right down.
- All right.

Now, you get on the phone and find
somebody to win some free lessons.

- I'll be outside.
- I sure hope Jethro's idea works.

Well, he says nowadays you can
sell anything if you advertise enough.

All ready, Uncle Jed.

Yeah. You got that kettle of possum
sausages Granny give you to pass out?

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
Can't you smell 'em?

Mmm, yeah.

Sure you wanna wear
that chauffeur's outfit?

This here's my dragoon's
outfit from the movie studio.

First rule of advertising
is to get folks' attention.

The possum sausages'd do that.

- How do I look, Paw?
- Beautiful, Elly.

Now, dance your heart out
and sign up lots of students.

- I will.
- Show 'em that rumba-ha-cha-cha.

Yes, sir. I couldn't find no good
records for the phonograph, Jethro.

I guess we'll have to
tango to Ol' Man River.

I don't care. Just put
one of 'em on and let's go.

Don't forget the
possum sausages.

Jed, Jed, come quick. I got
somebody wants to try for the lessons.

It's Mr. Farley
Baker of Brentwood.

He's waiting for the
question. Ask him a easy one.

Oh, howdy, Mr. Baker.
Here's your question.

What color is a
freckled swamp toad?

- [CLICK]
- Hello?

Hello?

Must have made it too hard.

Boy, those were good hamburgers.

Granny said they were
something called owl burgers.

Owl? You mean like up in
the tree? Those owls in the...?

Oh, no, it couldn't be.

Well, I'd better find Jethro and
get back to the toe-masher mambo.

Come on.

Mr. Clampett said that he and Elly
are going to be busy this afternoon.

- We can work on our new act.
- What act?

The only routine we
got is the one you stole

from the Fairfax Junior
High School Follies of 1932.

It was the best
number in the show.

I declare, Jed, this Beverly Hills is
the stupidest town I've ever seen.

Ain't one of 'em couldn't
answer a simple question.

I have talked to brighter folks.

You'd think anybody'd know
what time of year a chicken molts.

They didn't even know
what bait to use for crawdads.

Pitiful, pitiful.

Well, let's not tell
Marvin and Marita.

It'll just make 'em feel worse.

[HUMS]

Marvin, there's Granny
and Mr. Clampett.

Let's try out our
routine on them.

All right, let's just
pick it up, huh?

[HUMS]

- MARVIN: Smile, smile.
- Look at that.

They're still trying to give one
another a little something to smile at.

Did you hear about the guy that
put the bandages in the refrigerator?

Bandages in the
refrigerator? What for?

Cold cuts.

Jed, that's the saddest
thing I've ever seen.

Laughing on the outside,
crying on the inside.

Hey, did you hear about the fella
that crossed a snake with a horse?

Crossed a snake
with a horse? Why?

In case he bites you, you
can run him to the doctor's.

Ha, ha, ha!

I can't stand no more.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey. They're crying.

Well, we've bombed out
before, but this is an all-time low.

Now, get a hold of yourself, Granny. I
think this is the young 'uns coming now.

They's coming awful fast.

They probably got
a crowd with 'em.

Howdy, young 'uns. How
did you do for students?

- Not too good, Uncle Jed.
- Didn't the possum sausages work?

- They worked all right.
- Where is everybody?

Right behind us.

- Drive on, boy.
- Huh?

Drive on, drive on.

[BARKING]

[BARKS]

I told Jethro to be careful
with them possum sausages.

I hope he's got plenty
of gas in the truck.

Them dogs looked hungry
enough to run him to the state line.

[TIRES SCREECH, CAR DOOR CLOSES]

- Who's that?
- I don't know.

Maybe we got some
students after all.

Mr. Clampett, Granny, I've got
something I wanna show you.

- Mr. Drysdale, come in.
- No, no, no. It's not Mr. Drysdale.

It's Drysdale and...

- Hathaway.
- I wanna show you my act.

- Your act?
- Yes, it's for the bankers' convention.

We're gonna be
the main attraction.

Hit it, Hathaway.

[BOTH CLEAR THROATS]

[BOTH HUM]

They ought to stick to banking.

They ain't no Vilma
and Buddy Ebsen.

Who?

Why, Marvin and Marita
was better than them

when they was trying
to cheer one another up.

You may have
something there, Granny.

ANNOUNCER: Now for the bankers'
convention variety show and revue.

[APPLAUSE]

[♪ TEA FOR TWO]

That's a mighty nice thing
you're doing, Mr. Drysdale,

getting them two started
in the show business.

My pleasure, Mr. Clampett.
Just keep your part of the bargain.

- I will.
- OK, we're on.

[APPLAUSE]

I thought you was gonna
be Mr. Drysdale's partner.

I was, but when he saw Mr. Clampett
dance, he told me to turn in my cane.

- Bravo, Drysdale and Clampett.
- Clampett and Drysdale.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.