The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Gorilla - full transcript

Jethro is chopping wood while a chimpanzee named May Bell watches. He wishes that he could teach May Bell to chop wood. When Elly May comes by, she and Jethro talk and decide that they want a gorilla.

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was shooting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is ♪
Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

[EXHALES]

OK, now, I showed
you how to split wood.

Now you come on over
here and let's see you do it.

Now, listen, Maybelle, if you
could learn to do my chores,

why, I'd give you
half my allowance.

I get 50 cents a week.
Half of that'd be a nickel.

- [SCREECHES]
- All right, all right, calm down.

I'll make it a dime.

[SCREECHES]

All right, quit your fussing. I'll
split it right down the middle.

Now, get busy and chop wood.

I either got to get me a
smaller ax or a bigger ape.

- Hey, what y'all doing?
- Just playing.

Hey, listen, Elly, you know, poor
little old Maybelle gets awful lonesome.

How would you like for
her to have a big brother?

All right, you can
be her big brother.

Not me, Elly. I mean another
monkey, a great big one.

Do they come
bigger than Maybelle?

Why, heck, yeah. Why,
there's great big ones.

- It's called a gorilla.
- Gorilla?

Why, yeah. Why, that
rascal could chop wood till...

I mean, he'd be a heap
of fun to have around.

Well, is he big
enough to rassle?

Is he? Why a gorilla's got
arms pretty near as long as mine.

Come on, Maybelle. Let's go
and ask Paw if we can have one.

You want a what?

- A gorilla.
- What's a gorilla?

Well, Jethro said they's like
Maybelle here, only bigger.

We don't need another ape.

Please, Granny. Maybelle
don't like to be called that.

If you have to say it, spell it.

Elly, what do we
need with another...

A-I-P.

Well, Jethro says they's a heap of
fun, and, why, he could be a big brother.

You don't need a big
brother. You need a husband.

Well, he could be
Maybelle's big brother.

Ah!

Please, Paw, let
me have a gorilla.

Well, now, you run along,
darling. I'll talk it over with Granny.

Thank you. Give him
a little kiss, Maybelle.

Never mind. Thanks anyway.

Jed, I hope you ain't
gonna let that child

drag no more
varmints on this place.

Granny, I figured we could give
it to her for her birthday present.

Her birthday is done past.

Well, we didn't give
her what she asked for.

I'm glad we didn't. It's
hard enough to spell ape.

I don't wanna fool
around with rhinoceroses.

Uncle Jed, you gonna
get Elly May a gorilla?

Granny and me was
just talking it over.

- They's awful nice to have.
- I'm again' it.

Elly's too busy taking
care of her critters now.

A gorilla can do that for her.

- Ain't a gorilla a critter?
- Well, yeah.

Except he's smarter than
most. Pretty near as smart as me.

- Do tell.
- Pretty near as big as me too.

- And can work like me.
- Well, if he eats like you, forget it.

I ain't cooking for
another table buzzard.

Granny, you wouldn't
have to cook for him.

Gorillas don't eat
nothing but leaves.

- Leaves?
- Yes, sir. And talk about strong.

Why, I could learn that rascal to
chop wood, pull the plow or do...

Do what?

Well... do the ironing or the
washing or whatever else you said.

What do you think, Granny?

Well, won't do no harm
to take a look at one.

Yeah, we could
take him on approval.

I'll call Mr. Drysdale and
see can he find us one.

Hot dog. I know you're gonna
like having a gorilla around.

I'll go read up on him
in the encyclopedia.

There's lots of things
that they can do...

Oh, good morning, Mr. Drysdale.
This here is Jed Clampett.

Oh, Mr. Clampett, good money...
morning. What can I do for you?

Well, I'd like to ask
you a little favor.

Consider it done.

Any time I can't
do you a little favor,

I'll transfer your 60
million into another bank.

Well, thank you. You
ain't never failed us yet.

And I won't fail you
now. What is it you'd like?

- Well, we'd like us a gorilla.
- One gorilla coming up.

One gorill...

- Did you say gorilla?
- Did you say gorilla?

Yes, sir, one of them big apes.

The kind that eats leaves.

Can you get him over here
this morning, Mr. Drysdale?

The sooner the
better. How about it?

Well, Mr. Clampett, there's nothing
I'd rather do than get you a gorilla...

Well, thank you. I knew
we could count on you. Bye.

But, Mr. Clam...
Hello? Hello? Hello?

Well, Miss Hathaway, you
certainly got me into a mess this time.

- I haven't done anything.
- That's why I'm in a mess.

Next time you answer the phone.

I can't get 'em a gorilla.
What am I going to do?

Well, you've already
provided the answer to that.

- I have?
- Yes.

Transfer Mr. Clampett's
60 million to another bank.

Put 'em up. Put 'em up.

Now, calm down.

Now, it is obvious the Clampetts
have never seen a gorilla.

Just take them to the zoo.

One look at that fearsome
anthropoid beating his huge chest,

baring his fangs...

No, no, no. I made Jed
Clampett a promise and I'm...

and I'm going to keep it.

But, chief, you can't deliver
a live gorilla to their home.

You just get
those letters typed.

I'm going to handle this
on the executive level.

Now, what... [SCREAMS]

Have no fear, Lord
Greystoke is here.

Tommy.

Miss Hathaway,
this is Tom Kelly,

the greatest gorilla
impersonator in the business.

- Chief, you might have prepared me.
- Well, I wanted to test the effect.

Well, it's devastating. How
did he get into the bank?

Oh, he changed in the
men's room down the hall.

Pardon me, Mr. Drysdale, but there's one
of your tellers out on the window ledge.

This is an amazingly authentic
costume. You really gave me a start.

I've even frightened
other gorillas.

You can imagine what I'm
gonna do to those hillbillies.

Oh, exactly what is the plan?

Well, I'm going to be delivered
to the Clampett doorstep,

just as Mr. Drysdale promised,
but in a cage, of course.

I see.

Now, when they come out
to look at me, I put on my act.

I start pounding my chest

and then I snarl and I reach
for 'em through the bars.

That should certainly convince them
they can never make a pet of a gorilla.

- Oh, may I?
- Go ahead.

Now, in case that
shouldn't work,

one side of the cage
has got some trick bars,

you know, so I can spread
'em out like Gargantua.

Boy, when I start to bend
those big steel bars to get out,

people really panic.

[GROWLS]

Did you get the
teller off the ledge?

No, I found out he
was due for a raise.

So I left him out
there to think it over.

Now, Tommy, the truck will deliver
you to the Clampetts in your cage,

and when you've done your
act, you'll come back here...

Miss Hathaway, take that off.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes, when you come
back here, we'll settle the...

[SCREAMS]

Oh, that's very funny.

Come on, everybody, he's here.

Mr. Drysdale sure kept his word.

Don't go too close right off.
We don't wanna scare him.

[GROWLS]

How come he's in a cage?

So he won't run away, I reckon.

Don' worry about
that. I'll butter his paws.

Sure is big and stout,
ain't he, Granny?

Appears to be,
if he ain't all hair.

Granny, the way he's thumping hisself,
I think he's got a touch of heartburn.

Yeah. Probably from
eating all them leaves.

Could be they's
repeating on him.

I'll stir up some sody
water and peppermint.

That ought to ease him some.

Ain't he cute, Paw?

I don't know as I'd
call him cute, Elly,

but it's hard to look pleasant
with a upset stomach.

Jethro, you been
reading up on this critter.

Don't he eat anything
besides leaves?

Just roots and bark and stuff.
He's what you call herbivorous.

Mm, nice name.

I'm gonna call him Herby.

Elly May, run in the house

and tell Granny to hurry up with
that peppermint and soda water.

This pore critter is
suffering something pitiful.

Sure, Paw.

Hang on, Herby.
Help's on the way.

[GROWLS]

Granny's coming.

Herby, you're gonna
feel better now.

Here you are, boy.
Just drink this down.

Why, you ornery varmint!

Granny, you hurt him!

I'm gonna learn
him some manners.

Now, Granny, you gotta
make allowances... Look out!

Heartburn or no heartburn, I
ain't gonna stand still for that.

Unlock the door, Jethro.

I can't, Uncle
Jed. It's padlocked.

Shame on you, Herby.

I'll learn you to pick on a
poor, weak, helpless old...

Look at that.

He hadn't ought to
have got Granny riled.

You're going to the woodshed,

and when I'm done with you, your
heart won't be the only thing burning.

Go on! Get out!

Elly, cut me a switch.

Please, Granny, don't switch
him. Give him another chance.

You're sorry, ain't you, Herby? You
ain't gonna be bad no more, are you?

Doggies, Jethro's right,
he's purt near human.

Too human if you ask me.

Jethro, take him upstairs
and get him into some clothes.

- Clothes?
- You heard me. Get going.

Come on, Herby.

- He don't wanna go, Granny.
- Who asked him?

It's all right, Herby.
Maybelle wears clothes.

And while you's getting dressed, I'll
get you a nice basket of leaves to eat.

Now, get on
upstairs with Jethro.

Granny, it appears like
he's got a mind of his own.

Well, he can't learn too young
that we don't take orders from A-I-Ps.

Jethro, fetch him back.

Give me your pocketknife, Jed.
I'm gonna have to cut me a switch.

Well, Granny, let's try kindness first.
Remember, his stomach is out of whack.

I offered him some sody water

and he knocked it out of my hand
and fetched me a rap on my head.

Try a cup of your hot possum
broth. That'll get him to smiling.

JETHRO: Open the door, somebody!

Fee-fi-fo-fum. I smell
the soup of a possum.

Get your nose out of there,
now. That's for the gorilla.

- Where is he?
- Uncle Jed's fetching him.

Took both of us to get
him into them clothes.

Come on, Herb. Come on,
show Granny how nice you look.

What do you think, Granny?

He looks like Lafe Crick.

Them's Lafe's overalls he's
wearing. Good thing he left 'em behind.

My clothes was too binding
on him. Uncle Jed's too.

That's a big mess of monkey.
Never did get underdrawers on him.

Well, I'll run him
up a couple of pair.

Come on, Herby,
let's get washed.

[GRUNTS]

- Don't you give me...
- Granny. Granny. Granny.

Oh, you just wait
till I cut me a switch.

We washed him upstairs.
Take him to the table, Jethro.

Come on, Herby.

You can forget about switching him.
He's got a hide on his seat that thick.

- No.
- You could sole a shoe with it.

Here you are, Herby. I picked
you a basket of nice fresh leaves.

Now, hold on, Elly. We think
that's what give him the dyspepsy.

But, Uncle Jed, that's
what the encyclopedia says

that gorillas like to eat.

Granny made him some nice soup.

Well, let's let Herby decide
which one he'd rather have.

- D'you want leaves?
- Here's what he wants.

Some of Granny's possum broth.

This'll put hair on your chest.

Got a dandy head
of grease on it.

Thank you. And you see them
little chunks floating around in there?

To give it extra flavor,
I diced up the tail.

Ah, take that hairy
goomer out of my kitchen.

He ain't fit to
sit at the table.

Take him out to graze.

Come on, Herby.

You let go him,
Jethro. He's my gorilla!

Now, don't fight over him, young 'uns.
There's enough ape there for everybody.

Ungrateful varmint.

I offer him my good possum soup
and he commences eating leaves.

Wait a minute.

Jethro said that that
gorilla would do the ironing.

And by dingies, he's gonna.

Tommy put on his act all
right. Look at these bars.

I hope the Clampetts
weren't completely terrorized.

Oh, they'll get over it.

In the meantime I'm still their
hero, the man who never fails.

They wanted a gorilla,
I delivered a gorilla.

Where do you suppose
Mr. Kelly is now?

Probably at the bank
trying to collect his fee.

- Didn't you make arrangements?
- Of course.

He's to get his money
from one of the tellers.

The one who's out on the ledge.

Come on, Herby. You gotta get
this wood split before Granny finds us.

Please, Paw, make him stop.

Jethro's gonna have my
gorilla too tired to rassle.

Wonder how Jethro
got him to work so hard.

Like I keep telling you Herby,
if you don't get this wood split,

I'm gonna make you
eat that possum soup.

Jethro.

You got that poor ape busier
than a beaver in a sawmill.

Oh, heck, Uncle Jed, he
ain't even worked up a sweat.

Looks kind of frazzled to me.

Now I'm gonna learn him to
plow, hoe taters, mow the lawn...

No, you ain't neither.

Paw got that gorilla for
me, for me and Maybelle.

- Yeah, but he's real handy at...
- Jethro, let Elly have him for a spell.

Come on, Maybelle. I want you
to meet your big brother Herby.

And he's gonna take
you for a nice little stroll.

- Sorry, chief, no sign of life.
- I just had a horrible thought.

What if that gorilla scared them
so bad they went back to the hills?

- I hardly...
- That's what probably happened.

One look at that terrifying beast and
they hopped in the truck and took off.

- Chief...
- Now we'll never see them again.

Chief. Isn't that the
terrifying beast approaching?

He's wearing clothes
and pushing a baby buggy.

- Tommy, what happened?
- You and your simple hillbillies.

- I'm getting out of here.
- Wait.

Wait nothing. They're
working me to death.

- Now, Tommy, listen to reason.
- You can't take my car.

Hey, you hairy varmint!

Get out of that car and into the
kitchen before I take this stick to you.

No, Granny, don't hit him.

That's what Jed said, and
look what it got us, a car thief.

- But, Granny...
- Get in the kitchen like I told you.

It happens every time.

Spare the rod and spoil the ape.

Mr. Clampett, you can't
domesticate a gorilla.

Do what?

Have them do ironing
and things like that.

They're dangerous.
You can't trust them.

That's the truth. Look what
he done to Granny's bloomers.

Don't want her to see
'em. She'd scorch his.

[MOUTHS]

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm... I'm just
waving to the gorilla.

You know, I'd like to try
and make friends with him.

- Do you mind?
- No.

He needs all the
friends he can get.

I wonder if I could
be alone with him.

Well, if you wanna chance it.
He gets a mite peevish at times.

We think it's on account
of the indigestion.

I'm not worried.

Somehow I get the feeling

that underneath this
frightening-looking exterior,

there's something almost human.

Me too, chief, and I get the feeling
that he's trying to tell you something.

What's going on? Is
Mr. Drysdale wanting his ape back?

Just when we cured his
dyspepsy, give him nice clothes

and learned him to
do something useful.

No, no.

I'm trying to establish
a rapport with him.

If he needs a rap,
use this on him.

We'll get along just fine.

Now, Miss Hathaway, I want you
to take Granny and Mr. Clampett

into the far end of the house

so my friend here will
know I'm not afraid of him.

I'll go along with that.
Come on, Granny.

- Oh, by the way, his name is Herby.
- And don't turn your back on him.

I still ain't forgot the clout
on the noggin he give me.

Tommy, you struck
that poor little old lady?

That poor little old lady gave me a
shot in the mouth that loosened my teeth.

Now, you give me my
money. I'm getting out of here.

No, no, no. Not until
the job is finished.

The job is finished. Pay me.

Now, please, Tommy,
list... listen to reason.

The Clampetts think
you're a real gorilla.

You're gonna think so too
unless you give me my dough.

Oh, no, no, no. We made a deal,
and you're a professional actor.

And I'm also a woodchopper
and a nursemaid to a chimp,

and as soon as I get finished ironing
these... these flour-sack drawers,

that big goon Jethro's
gonna hook me up to a plow.

And you know something?

I gotta do all that on green
leaves and possum broth.

You let them bluff you.
Frighten them. Beat your chest.

Every time I beat my chest,
that little old lady beats...

Oh, don't be such a baby.

Look, Mr. Drysdale, I
need money for new teeth.

Unless you pay me,
I'm gonna use yours.

- Your money's at the bank.
- I'll see you there.

Now, just hold it, Kelly.

If you walk out on me right now,
you'll have a suit on your hands.

Here! Now you got
a suit in your hands.

Happy plowing, Herby.

Howdy, mister. Have you
seen anything of a gorilla?

TOMMY: Yeah, he's
right in the kitchen there.

Herby! Hey, Herby! Herb!

- Jethro.
- Yeah, Elly, what d'you want?

- Have you seen Herby?
- No. I'm looking for him too.

And I better find him
before Granny does.

- What you mean?
- Well, he done shed his clothes.

He's gonna get
himself a whupping.

No, he ain't neither.

I'm tired of folks being
mean to my monkey.

- Well, he ain't your monkey, Elly.
- He is so.

- He ain't neither.
- Is.

He ain't.

Maybelle found him.

Herby, you get into these
overalls. You got plowing to do.

You leave him be.

You must believe me when I tell
you that Herby is not a typical gorilla.

I urge you to take a
drive over to the zoo

and look at a
real... a... a wild one.

Wilder than Herby?

Oh, yes, much wilder
and much stronger too.

Why, that gorilla in the zoo has
the strength of 12 full-grown men.

Ooh, doggies.

He'd be handy to have
around, wouldn't he, Granny?

- Oh, no, no, you couldn't possibly...
- [RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]

Come back here with
Mr. Drysdale's hat!

- That's Herby.
- He stole Mr. Drysdale's hat.

- Mr. Kelly, what is...
- Shut up and get in.

Chief!

It's all right, don't worry.

Well, Granny, he wasn't much at
ironing, but he drives a car real good.

Yonder goes Herby.

- Come back!
- Let him go. Good riddance.

It does appear we
got ahold to a bad ape.

Had a real thieving
streak in him.

Well, I liked him, Paw,
and so did Maybelle.

And me too.

- Please, Paw, we want a gorilla.
- Yeah.

Well, I reckon we hadn't ought to
judge the whole patch by one bad melon.

Jethro, fetch the truck around.

- Well, where are we going?
- To the zoo.

And I say I'm not
paying you one penny

till I find out if the
Clampetts are mad.

You take my word for it,
they're completely mad.

Take your monkey
suit and get out of here.

I had enough trouble driving
to the bank wearing that thing.

I even stopped traffic
on the Sunset Strip.

Excuse me, chief. How long since
you've talked to the Clampetts?

I can't get an answer
up there. Why?

I don't know if there's any
connection, but I just heard a newsflash.

A wild gorilla has
escaped from the zoo.

Come on, come
on, fetch him in here.

Doggies, Granny,
Miss Jane wasn't fooling

when she said this rascal
was stronger than 12 men.

Man, if we ever get
him calmed down,

he's gonna make a wood-chopping,
plow-pulling son of a gun.

Stop that bellowing,
you ungrateful goomer.

We took you out of the
zoo. You ought to be glad.

[ROARS]

I said stop it!

Turn him loose.

Now, come over
here and set down.

I'm gonna give you
some possum soup.

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.