The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 5, Episode 29 - The Little Monster - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was shooting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is ♪
Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

Ahhh!

Help, it's gone!
I've been robbed!

Everything is gone!

Help, we got to catch the thief!

What is it, Granny?
What's missing?

I knowed I should've
kept it under lock and key!

Letting it lay out there
in the open like that

was too much temptation!

- What's missing, Granny?
- They didn't even touch the silver!

Headed right for the valuables.

Over fifty bars of my
homemade lye soap!

Granny, good as it
is, I don't know nobody

who'd risk jail to
steal your soap.

Just name any movie star!

Why, they'd do worse than that
to get my skin care beauty secret.

- Lye soap?
- Of course!

Elly! Tell your paw why my
skin looks the way it does today!

Well, I suppose it's 'cause you been
out in the sun and the wind too long.

- Ahh! Who asked you?!
- You did, Granny.

Elly, you seen any strangers
prowling around Granny's lye soap?

Or movie stars?

No, but Jethro toted it all out of
there. Maybe he seen somebody.

- What!
- Jethro took it?

Yes, sir, he says for his new
business there ain't no soap can touch it.

- New business?
- With my lye soap?

What's he gonna
do, skin beautifying?

No, he's opening a car wash.

Aaaaah!

All right, Bessie, we's all
set for my grand opening.

You ready to take off with
my advertising campaign?

What do you mean "no"?
All you got to do is float up

a couple thousand feet
and toss out these handbills.

Jethro?

Hi, Uncle Jed.

I was gonna wait till I had my
first customer before I called you,

but what'd you think
of my new car wash?

Boy, sometimes you act
like you got grits for brains.

Do you know how many of these
places they already is in Beverly Hills?

Not like mine. This is the
only one in the whole world

that'll wash a car
in just five seconds.

- It is.
- Yeah!

That's 'cause I'm the only fella
smart enough to think of dunking 'em!

Dunking 'em?

Yeah. Gets the car spanking
clean, top and bottom.

It's my own invention!

You see, I just put the car
in them chains over yonder,

and hoist it up with them ropes.

They's hooked up to this
block and tackle at either end.

Then I just haul the
car out over the water,

and slacken off and drop it in.

Then I just slosh
it around a little bit

and lift it out over to this
side and let it drip-dry!

How about that? And what's
more, for ten cents extra,

I clean the whole
inside of the car, too!

- I just leave the windows open!
- Jethro...

What's the matter?
I forget something?

Uh-huh. For one thing, the shingle
you're gonna need for your pants

when Granny finds out
what happened to her soap.

Oh, hey, that's the secret
to this whole operation!

You see, even in cold
water Granny's lye soap

- cuts grease just like that!
- Boy...

'Course it is kinda
tough on car paint, too,

but I don't care much
about repeat business.

You've 24 hours
to drain this pond,

pull down them ropes and
get this place back to normal.

Oh, come on, Uncle
Jed, I'm gonna clean up!

I'm gonna set
this world on fire!

You're gonna clean
up, all right. Everything!

Or you're gonna end up with
the seat of your britches on fire.

Well, if it ain't the
king of the carwashers!

Oh, yeah? If I'd got my
handbills out when I wanted to,

I'd have been turning
the customers away now.

It's all that dad-blamed
Bessie's fault!

What do you mean
it's Bessie's fault?

That monkey ain't nothing
but a big, hairy chicken!

All right, Jed, where's
that soap-filching Jethro?

Now, calm down, Granny, I've
already got to the bottom of the trouble.

That's just what I want
to do! Where is he?

I'll help you make
some more soap,

but you won't need
them hickory hide-heaters.

It's the young 'uns that
need 'em, and a wood shed.

Then we'd see how much
mischief they could get into.

Now, Granny...

I think it's more like they got
too much time on their hands.

I might go down and see can
Mr. Drysdale find something for 'em.

You're wasting your wind.

The couple of times
he did put 'em to work,

- they were back home the same day.
- I know.

I figure betwixt Elly's
secretarying and Jethro's ciphering,

they made the other
workers look sluggish.

No, Granny, I think it's on account
of they remind him of his lost youth.

- Lost youth?
- Yeah.

One day after the young
'uns had worked down there,

he told me it was like
being back in Wall Street,

one October Friday in 1929.

I didn't know he
was sentimental.

That brings a tear to my eye.

Now that you mention
it, when he told me,

there was tears
in his eyes, too.

But I wasn't thinking
of bank work.

I'm hoping that he'll think of
something more to their liking.

Well, you're gonna
have trouble with Jethro.

I don't know of nobody that's
looking to hire a professional eater.

Well, we'll come up with something.
The boy's got a lot of good qualities.

He's strong, he's eager...

There's another good
quality, he's clean.

Good morning, Ms. Hathaway.

You remember my nephew and
namesake, little Milburn Drysdale.

How do you do, Ms. Hathaway?

Hello, Milby.

His parents asked me to keep an eye
on him for a few hours while they're gone.

- Where have they gone?
- Europe.

Oh, chief.

Oh, I'm just taking
care of him for today.

Tomorrow he starts
boarding school.

Milby, why don't you
go in my office and play.

- I'll be right in.
- Yes, sir, Uncle Milburn.

Oh, he's a fine youngster. A
credit to the Drysdale family.

Chief, how did you get stuck

with keeping that miserly
little monster again?

Just a minute, Ms. Hathaway.

Last year, when you
took care of Milby,

he was just going
through a transition phase.

I know, like the Wolf Man.

Oh, come on
now, he's a fine lad.

He is a grasping, avaricious,
crafty, conniving little money-grubber!

Yes, everyone says he
reminds them of me as a boy.

Chief, at the age of six,

when other little kiddies
were playing hide and seek,

Milby had started
his first business.

So? Every kid has
a lemonade stand.

Milburn opened a pawn shop.

Chief, he needs other interests.

He needs to go places and do
things with someone he looks up to,

someone big and tall and strong.

- I agree, you can have him all day.
- Never again!

But I can't get away. You've
got to take care of him.

Not even if you give
me a whip and a chair!

Oh!

- Well...
- Oh, hello, Uncle Milby.

I hope you don't mind my
borrowing this book from your desk.

Oh, not at all, my boy! Ah!

A Sympathetic Look at Ebeneezer
Scrooge. That's one of my favorites.

Now, what would
you like to do today?

Well, a real fun thing
is making money.

Good lad!

I'll bet you're saving
to buy a new bicycle.

No, I've got my eye on
some property in the valley.

I see.

Well, how are you gonna
earn all that money?

I could start by
betting you five dollars

that in 30 seconds
your face will turn blue.

Okay?

All right, I'll take that wager.

But just to give you
a lesson in gambling.

Never bet, except
on a sure thing.

I don't.

Remember? You
taught me that last year.

Blue chalk powder.

Well, little Milby, you certainly
got the best of me that time!

What would you like to do now?

I'd like to collect
my five dollars.

Oh, yes.

And then I'd like to do
what we did last year,

you know, run barefoot
around the vault.

I'd like that, too, my boy,
but I'm very busy today.

Chief, Mr. Clampett
is here to see you.

Oh, Milby, please stop!
Mr. Clampett is a very important man.

Milby, please stop
crying. For Uncle Milburn?

Mr. Clampett is my
favorite depositor!

He's got 70 million dollars!

Something wrong in here?

How do you do, Mr. Clampett?
My name is Milburn Drysdale.

Howdy.

Now, Mr. Clampett,
as I understand it,

you're worried Jethro and Elly may
have too much time on their hands.

Yeah, well, you see there just
ain't enough work on the place.

Even with all the chores
Granny and me can think of,

they still got a good hour
a day with nothing to do.

- Water, Mr. Clampett?
- Oh, no thanks, son.

- Coffee, tea, milk?
- No, thanks.

He's a fine boy. He has a
great career ahead of him.

Yeah, he's already
a pretty good waiter.

- Pillow for your head?
- Oh, no, thanks.

That's... that's fine, Milby.

Now, why don't you sit
on the sofa and read?

Oh, it's all right, I
have my bank book.

Well, now, uh, getting
back to the young 'uns,

Elly is kind of a problem.

You see, uh, once you
toss out secretarying...

Yes, let's toss that out.

And when you come
to Jethro, there's...

Say, you don't know anybody that
needs a professional eater, do you?

No, but don't worry. I'll
come up with something

to suit his talents
and education.

Good, well, uh, he said
he'd take anything at all,

long as it's a,
uh, executive job.

Fine. Well, you'll have
to give me a little time.

We're pretty swamped here today.

I'll even have to find someone
to take care of Milby for me.

Well, why couldn't he spend
the day over at my place?

- Oh, I...
- Please, Uncle Milburn.

Please say I can.

I, uh... I think
it'll be all right.

Yippee! Thank
you, Uncle Milburn.

And you'll be giving Elly
a job at the same time.

She'll be your babysitter.

She's waiting outside.
I'll go fetch her in.

Did you say a
babysitter? For me?

Yeah. Here she is now.

But I'm 11 years old!

Of course, I'm very insecure.

Elly, you got a job. You're
gonna babysit little Milby there.

Howdy, Milby. You're the first
human being I ever babysat for.

- I am?
- Yeah, but I ain't worried.

'Cause I'll just pretend
you's an over-size monkey.

Hey, Ms. Jane, I got me a
job babysitting Milby here.

Oh, what can the
chief be thinking of?

All right, Milby, you win.

I'll take care of you
instead of Elly May.

You've got to be kidding.

Come on, Milby, we called Granny
and she's all excited about your coming.

I'm looking forward
to meeting her.

I'll be up to check on you later,
Milby. Be on your best behavior now.

Yes sir, Uncle Milburn.

Come on, Milby!

Boy, you's cute as a
little old bunny rabbit!

Let's go, Milby!

Well, there you are, Milby.
Make yourself to home.

Boy, would I love to go into
the escrow on a place like this.

Sorry to disappoint you, Milby,
it's got 32 rooms and 14 baths,

but I don't think
it's got a escrow.

What's the matter, Jethro?

I'm mad. Before I
even got it going,

I had to shut down my
five-second car wash.

A five-second car wash?

Why, you could make a fortune!

Yeah, I know.

Say, for a little kid,
Milby, you're pretty smart.

- Business is my middle name.
- How much schooling you had?

- I've finished the sixth grade.
- Yeah, I should've knowed.

You can always pick out the
fellas with the higher education.

- Huh?
- I'm a sixth grade graduate, myself!

Hey, Milby, how
old are you, anyhow?

Eleven.

Eleven! And clean
through the sixth grade?

Sheesh, you must've started
school before you could walk,

or else you had
awful easy teachers.

Granny!

- Wonder where she is?
- I don't know.

You try the kitchen,
I'll look upstairs.

- Okay.
- Granny!

All right, all
right, I'm coming!

Where is the little tyke?

Granny, what you got
there? What is all this?

Everything for the little young
'un that Elly May's babysitting with.

I got blankets and
bottles and diapers...

I reckon I didn't make
myself too clear on the phone.

You know, that baby
we brung home is eleven.

Well, eleven-month-old
baby, will still need a lot of care.

Oh, I can hardly wait to hold
a infant in my arms again.

Where is the little bundle?

Well, Milby is out with Jethro.

You left him out there
with that big cluck?

Jethro, carry in little Milby
and be very careful with him!

Granny, little
Milby is a big boy.

Here he is.

My, he is big for
eleven months, ain't he?

Almost as big as
Jethro was at that age.

Wait a minute, you
ain't no little baby!

That's what I been
trying to tell you, Granny.

Milby is eleven years old.

How do you do, Granny?
My name is Milburn Drysdale.

You're named after Mr. Drysdale?

Not quite, Granny. Milby's
middle name is Business.

Milby Business Drysdale.
That's real high tone.

Well, come on out to the kitchen,
have some milk and a piece of pie.

I wonder if I could have Jethro
show me around the house first.

Well, all right. When
you're through, come on out.

Hey, Milby, you mean you's
turning down a piece of pie

for a look around a house? I
thought you was a educated man.

- Look at this!
- What about it? It's just a old vase.

It's a Ming vase!

No, it's for flowers.

Jethro, Ming is a
famous Chinese dynasty.

Well, maybe so, but they's
out of business by now.

Mr. Drysdale says that vase
is a couple thousand years old.

- I'll give you a dollar for it.
- A dollar!

For a couple-thousand-year-old
vase? I can't slicker you like that.

Then sell it to me for 50 cents.

Well, okay, sucker.
Don't say I didn't warn you.

What're you heating
all this milk for?

Well, I was expecting
little Milby to be a tiny infant,

and Jethro used to drink that
much for his evening bottle.

Yeah, but you got to
remember, even as a baby,

Jethro had a mighty
unusual hunger.

Yeah. There ain't many
three-day-old babies

that can tie into a side
of bacon like he done.

Especially when it was
still attached to the hog.

Seems like, ever since,
his body and his appetite

have been trying to see
which can get the biggest.

Yeah. Too bad his
brains didn't enter the race.

I believe it's Gainsborough.

I don't know his name,
but he sure dresses funny.

I'd like to buy it, too.

Gee, Milby, you've already
bought a awful lot of stuff.

I told you I'll give you a check
when we get everything totaled up.

Okay, but gee, I can't help feeling
I'm taking advantage of a little kid.

I mean, you giving us
five dollars for this thing,

and it don't even
give off decent light.

I'm buying it for a friend.

He likes old junk and
doesn't care what he spends.

Okay, then watch out, 'cause I'm
really gonna take you the cleaners!

Swell. I'll give you five
dollars for the Gainsborough.

- Ten.
- Seven-fifty.

Sold! Hot dog, is my Uncle
Jed gonna be proud of me!

- Here, sign the receipt.
- I can't wait to tell him.

Uh... why don't you wait until
you can show him the check?

Okay.

When he sees what a
business genius I am,

he'll let me run my
five-second car wash for sure.

Yeah! I want to see that. Will
you show me how it works?

Right away! I'll flag
down the first car I see

and be ready for
you in five minutes!

I'll be in the
mortgage department.

There may be a foreclosure!

Chief, I hate to
interrupt your fun,

but don't you think you should
pick up Milby at the Clampetts?

Why? He's probably
having the time of his life.

I don't doubt it, being just one
boot-lick away from 70 million dollars.

I'll pick him up this
evening. Now, lay off!

He's just a normal,
high-spirited youngster.

Is it normal to be kicked out of
three military schools in one year?

- It happens.
- For usury?

I don't care what the law says,
eighty percent interest on a loan

- is not unreasonable!
- All right, I give up.

Apparently Milby is more important
to you than the Clampett account.

Ms. Hathaway, when
it comes to that boy,

my nephew, my
namesake, my blood,

I don't care whose
face he turns blue,

I don't care who he
swindles, who he cleans out,

no, not even my
biggest depositor!

Did you hear what I just said?

- I heard it, but I don't believe it.
- I must be out of my mind.

Come on, we'd better
get up to the Clampetts!

When we get back, I've
got to take a complete rest,

a vacation, somewhere
completely away

from finance and banking, money!

Maybe I'll go up
to the mountains.

Pan for gold.

- That's your truck down there?
- Yeah.

Them bubbles is on account
of the engine's still running.

- What happened?
- Well, I couldn't get no cars

to turn in the driveway,
so I used the truck.

Got it out yonder
and the ropes broke.

And this was your
five-second car wash?

Yeah, there is a
few kinks in it yet.

Doggone! The engine just died.

Gee, I was counting on you hauling
away the things I bought with that truck.

Oh, I'll get it out.

I'm sure glad I drove such a hard
bargain selling that stuff to you.

Least I'll be able to show my
Uncle Jed I done something right.

But remember, you won't show him until
I'm gone and you have the check, right?

Hey, how does a little kid like
you get all your money, anyhow?

I use my head.

For instance, this
morning I got five bucks

out of my Uncle
Milburn, nothing to it.

- How'd you do that?
- Cost you fifty cents to find out.

Fifty cents? For a
way to get five dollars?

Okay, it's a deal,
pigeon. I mean, partner.

Hey, Uncle Jed, Granny.

I just found out the best way to
make five dollars you ever heard of.

- Well, what is it?
- I'll show you.

I'll bet you five dollars that in 30
seconds, your face is gonna turn blue.

- Huh?
- Jethro, I ain't a gambling man.

Go on, Jed, it's a sure thing.

All right, I'll bet you.

Okay, here we go!

All over my kitchen!

How dare you come in here
and make a mess like this!

- You big fuddle-brain!
- Wait a minute, Granny, I didn't...

You big cabbage-head!

Granny!

Jethro, I told you to stay out
of trouble while Milby was here.

What you been up to now?

Do you want to hear the
good or the bad news first?

I got a feeling either way,
I'm gonna need my switches!

Granny, you come right
over here and sit down.

Well, reckon we might as well
get the bad news out of the way first.

Well, it ain't that awful.

It's just that I dropped the
truck in the cement pond.

- Where's my switches!
- You sit right there, Granny.

- I'll fetch 'em!
- Hey, now, hold on, hold on!

Wait'll you hear the good news.
You'll forget all about the bad!

All right, start them
jaws a-hopping, fast!

Yeah, well, you know how
this house is full of bric-a-brac

and junk and
paintings and stuff,

most of it hundreds of years old
and just cluttering up the place?

Well, I unloaded
almost a half a ton of it

- on that little Milby!
- You what?!

And he's not only
taking it off our hands,

he's paying almost 200
dollars for it! How about that?

Lookee there! My good news
just knocked her right over.

Reckon I don't get no
switching now, huh, Uncle Jed?

Not for the bad news, no,

but you're gonna get a first-class
rump-roasting for the good!

Hi, Uncle Milburn, Ms. Hathaway.

I'm glad you're here.

What's going on
here? What is this?

I bought it for us. Every
piece, a fabulous antique.

All I need is your
check to pay for it.

- Partner?
- What are you talking about?

You're gonna be proud of me.

I conned it out of these hillbilly
hicks for less than 200 dollars.

It's worth a
thousand times that!

I know. We'll sell it
and make a fortune!

Yes! Yes, we'll get rich!

Drysdale & Drysdale, Antiques.

- Chief!
- What?

Oh, yes, of course.
Get Mr. Clampett.

Now we'll see if you
really bought this stuff.

I've got signed receipts
from Simple Simon.

- You know, Jethro.
- What? You little monster.

You've probably cost
me my biggest account!

Now, don't get
excited, Uncle Milburn.

How much do you want
to forget the whole thing?

This is something you've
been needing all your life,

and you're not buying
your way out of it!

It's gonna hurt you
more than it does me!

Don't count on it!

My, he sure cleaned
out the place, didn't he?

Well, I'm just glad we arrived
before Milby re-sold everything.

If the little fella wanted it
that bad, he should've asked.

- We'd probably give him most the stuff.
- It's Jethro's fault!

Taking advantage of a
sweet, little fella like that!

By the way, where is Jethro?

He's out back trying to get the
truck out of the cement pond.

What's going on?

Just disciplining my
nephew, Mr. Clampett.

I'll be right back and
make amends for all this.

- Get in, Ms. Hathaway.
- You must've spanked him good.

We could hear him
yelling clean inside.

That's not what he was yelling
about. He's used to spankings.

- I got him where it really hurts!
- What you mean?

I took his money belt.

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

This has been a
Filmways presentation.