The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 5, Episode 22 - Elly Comes Out - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was shooting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is ♪
Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

ELLY: Granny!

Granny, guess
who's in the paper.

Well, I hope it's worth
ruining my possum pot pie.

Well, Diana Dayton's
done got herself engaged.

That ain't even worth
the crust. Who's she?

I met her that day at
that fancy girl's school.

Look right there in
"Society Sandy's" column.

Well, if that girl can get
a husband, anybody can.

Ugliest thing I ever did see.

Got a beard clear
down to her chest.

Granny, you’re looking
at the wrong picture.

That's some
actor. This is Diana.

The actor's prettier than
she is, even with the beard.

Listen to what Society
Sandy says about her.

"This reporter's ears turned shocking
pink to hear divine Diana Dayton

announce her engagement just
hours after being presented to society

at the biggest coming out party
these baby-blues have ever seen."

Well, that's fine, honey.
Now, you run along.

Now, you'll get a
husband, don't you worry.

But I ain't worried.

Of course not,
honey. No need to be.

I'm worrying enough
for the both of us.

- We're back.
- Oh, good.

Jethro, here's the phone
number of the newspaper.

You call up and get this
Society Sandy on the phone

and ask her what it takes
to give a coming out party.

- Yes, ma'am.
- A coming out party?

For Elly.

This Diana gal snared herself a
husband right after she give one.

And she's got a face
that would sour milk.

Hmm...

Better find out what
they put in the punch.

I got Society Sandy's
secretary on the phone.

We should've thought of it.
The reason Elly ain't got no dates

is because nobody in Beverly
Hills knows that she's here.

She ain't been
presented to society.

That's what a coming
out party's for, huh?

Why, sure.

When you want to get
rid of an old hound dog,

you bring him out where
folks can look at him, don't you?

I see your point, but I
wouldn't put it just that way.

All I know is that I've tried

every love charm in my book
to get Elly May a husband,

and now we got to give it the
old horse auction approach.

I don't know that I'd
put it that way, neither.

Yes, ma'am.

Uh-huh.

Hand-engraved invitations.

Everybody in the blue book.

Uh-huh. Is that all?

Yes, that's about it.

Have fun, and lots of luck. Bye.

Oh, Society.

Sandy. Feast your
baby-blues on this!

Yeah?

Elly May Clampett is
having a coming out party.

Elly May Clampett.

Let me see, did I meet her at
the Von Clippington tea dance?

Oh, Sandy, I'm putting
you on. It was a hillbilly.

You should've
heard the questions.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] "At a comin'
out party, does the folks have to stay out

or can they come back
inside and set a spell?"

Clampett. Clampett.

I know I've heard
that name before.

Get me research on the horn.

Oh!

Next you gotta invite the Four
Hundred. They's in the Blue Book.

- Well, get one of them books.
- Yeah.

And then you got to have party
victuals fixed by a world famous chef.

Uh-huh. I already figgered
on doing the cooking.

And then you got to
have music for dancing.

Well, I'll get on my guitar
and Jethro on his spoons.

- Yeah.
- Well, this is Elly's big chance.

We got to do everything
big, everything first rate.

You're right. We gotta
hire us a high class outfit.

This calls for nothing less than
Luther Gooch and his Ozark Jug band.

You reckon they'd come?

Oh, it's gonna cost
Jed a purty penny.

But as long as we've gone this far,
what's another ten or twenty dollars?

Okay, thanks.

No, no, that's all
I need to know.

Wow, what a scoop!

Elly May's father, J.D. Clampett,
has 68 million simoleons.

Oh, they're in the
simoleon business.

That means money,
honey. They're oil rich.

Get 'em on the phone.

But they're not in
the social register.

Who cares? With that
kinda loot in the cash register,

this could be the coming
out party of the year.

Okay, if you say so.

Look, I know a hot
story when I see one.

Don't forget, before
I took over this desk,

I was 22 years
as fashion editor.

It's all settled.

Along with Luther and his
Jug Band, we're bringing out

Millard Fribble and his
Swingilating Musical Saws.

We'll put one of 'em out by the
cement pond, the other one out front.

That way either door the
folks come out, they're covered.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Hello?

Yes, this is J.D. Clampett's
residence. Who's calling?

Society Sandy?

That's right, honey.
I'm checking out a rumor

that there's a coming out
party for Elly May Clampett.

It ain't no rumor.

It's gonna be the biggest
wing-ding you ever seen.

We’re bringing in two
bands from out of town.

Inviting ever'body in the
Blue Book and then some.

Sounds like you're out
to get a name for yourself.

No, we're out to
get a name for Elly.

One with a
"Mrs." in front of it.

Oh, Jed's spending a fortune.

We're gonna make
that Diana Dayton's party

look like a rained
out well-diggin'.

Zappity-do, pussycat!
My head is spinning.

Then if you don't
want to miss the party,

you take some horehound
and honey and get right in bed.

- Bye.
- Is Society Sandy sick?

I'll say. Light-headed,
talking goofy,

and has the worse case
of gravel throat I ever heard.

She sounded for all
the world like a man.

Good morning, Ms. Hathaway.

Oh, chief, have you
seen the morning paper?

- No. Is my picture in it?
- It's Society Sandy's column.

It says the Clampetts are having
a coming out party for Elly May.

- What?
- Listen.

"There's a coming out party planned
for the Clampett cupcake, Elly May,

that should be the Beverly
Hills basherino of the year.

Papa Clampett is sparing
no, but no, expense."

Call that paper. They can't
print lies like that. I'll sue!

I did call. Society Sandy got
the story right from Granny.

Come on, we've gotta
get up there and stop 'em.

But, chief, a coming out party
for Elly May isn't such a bad idea.

It is when they spare
no expense. Come on.

Mr. Clampett? Granny?

This must be their idea
of a coming out party.

Oh, chief, it's
worse than I thought!

Yeah. They must have spent ten or
twenty bucks on crepe paper alone.

I was thinking of the
Clampetts' feelings.

We'll think up a reason
why nobody shows up.

Chief, after a mention in
Society Sandy's column,

every matron in Beverly
Hills will give the...

the... the mink coat off
her poodle's back to come.

- Do you think so?
- I know so.

They'll be expecting champagne,
roses, white tie and tails.

It's an exquisitely
beautiful, elegant affair.

Well, thank you, Ms. Jane,
we done the best we could.

They'll be talking about
this party for a long time.

I sure hope so. Well, come
on, say hello to Granny.

She's out in the kitchen
whipping up the party victuals.

She's already started cooking?

Has been for 48 hours.

She sleeps standing up, leaning against
the cupboard with a ladle in her hand.

My goodness!

Yeah, she says she's gonna
make this a bigger coming out party

than the one Elsie
Suggins had back home.

A coming out party
back in the hills?

Well, in a manner of speaking.

Elsie gave it for her boy,
Moonshine, when he got out of jail.

Granny, look who's here.

- Hello, Granny.
- How are you, Granny?

Good to see you.

But don't get no ideas
you're gonna help out.

Everything's been taken care of.

The plans have been made...

[YAWNING] and the
cooking is underway.

Granny, you're dead on you
feet. You need some sleep.

Sleep? There'll be plenty of
time for that after Elly's wedding.

- Wedding?
- Wedding?

Yeah, out here a coming
out party can get a gal married

quicker than a shotgun
could back home.

Well, I don't know about that,
but I thought it'd be a good way

for Elly to meet some of
the young fellas around here.

- [SNORING]
- Granny.

Oh, oh! Yeah, of course.

That's... that's right.
Of course, of course.

Oh, howdy,
Mr. Drysdale, Ms. Jane.

Uncle Jed, wind was
blowing too much out back,

so we's gonna finish
the invitations in here.

Those are invitations?

Yes, ma'am, for a
fancy do like this,

we found out they had
to be hand engraved.

Come on, Bessie,
can't you go no faster?

You lay off her, Jethro.

She can print twice
as purty as you can.

Well, she oughta be able
to, she takes twice as long.

You've got Bessie helping you?

Well, Jethro said we'd
never get done unless she did.

Yeah, Society Sandy says
that we should send invites

to every one of the
400 in the Blue Book.

- Do you have a Blue Book?
- Yeah, this here's one.

Jethro, this is the Beverly
Hills telephone directory.

That's right. That's the
only one with a blue cover.

Jethro, the Blue Book is another
name for the social register.

Yeah.

Boy, if I wasn't so
doggone good at ciphering,

I'd swear there was more
than 400 names in here.

Come on, we've got to
figure a way out of this.

Right, chief.

- Goodbye Granny, Mr. Clampett.
- Goodbye.

[SNORING]

Well, uh, bye now.
We'll see you at the party.

I'll say your
goodbyes to Granny.

Who called? Where's my
pot? Cover the owl burgers!

Start peeling the rutabagas!

Where's my pot?

Chief, I have another
call wondering

if you can arrange an
invitation to the Clampett party.

It's Prince Filipo de Ragatini.

Hello.

No, I can't!

Absolutely not! Goodbye.

Chief, I know you're upset,

but should you have talked that
way to Prince Filipo de Ragatini?

After all, he's one of the biggest
dry cleaners in Beverly Hills.

I'm worried about the cleaning
this bank is going to take

when the Clampetts
get laughed out of town.

I don't know which will hurt
them more, being laughed at then

or being told now they're
doing everything wrong.

- Well, you've got to tell them.
- Absolutely not, I'll resign first!

All right, resign
first, then tell them.

- I couldn't!
- Well, who are we gonna find who will?

Who's cold enough, callous
enough, heartless enough...

- [DOG BARKING]
- Milburn?

Margaret, we were
just talking about you.

Excuse us, Ms. Hathaway.
How are you, my sweet?

I was just reading
Society Sandy's column

about Elly May Clampett's
coming out party.

Everybody in the beauty
salon was talking about it.

Oh, yes, your hair does
look gorgeous, dear.

Claude's beauty salon.
The Poodle Pampatorium.

Your hair does look
gorgeous, Claude.

Oh, stop it, Milburn,
he was having a facial.

- A facial?
- Yes.

[WHIMPERING]

Milburn, what about
Elly May's party?

Apparently the cream of
Beverly Hills society is going.

It's the talk of the town.

Yes, it is a wonderful
opportunity for the Clampetts.

But I did want to ask you if...

Well, they do need
social direction,

and I know how good you
are at giving parties and...

well, would you help them?

I'd love to.

Did you say you'd love to?

Well, I certainly can't beat
them, so I might as well do

everything I can to
help them, uh... fit in.

Oh, Margaret, that's wonderful.

Have Ms. Hathaway tell
them that I'll be over right away.

Thank you, sweetheart.

[WHIMPERS]

We'll be going home soon, baby.

And then Mumsy is going to
pay a visit to the Clampetts.

[WHINING]

Now, now.

We are going to get
rid of them for good.

When I get through
with their party,

and all Beverly Hills sees
what oafs they really are...

Margaret, I just
talked to Mr. Clampett.

I told him about your
offer, and he said Granny

would welcome the
help with open arms.

Tell her to mind
her own business!

I don't need her! I
don't want her around!

Granny, after all these
years of doing us dirt,

Ms. Drysdale's
offering to help us.

You don't want to go
hurting her feelings do you?

No, it ain't her
feelings I wanna hurt.

Nobody knows more
about society than her.

Not even Society Sandy.

Yeah, she just might be able to help
us. I think we oughta give her a chance.

All right, if you say so.

But... let her tell me one
thing that I've done wrong

and I'm gonna wrap this
spoon around her neck!

All right, everybody, Ms.
Drysdale's here to lend a hand.

How do you do?

- Morning, Ms. Drysdale.
- Howdy, Ms. Drysdale.

Now, let's make her
welcome, and pulling together,

we'll put on the best
coming out party ever.

I'm sure you'll never forget it.

Tell me some of the things
you're cooking, Granny.

I'm starting with
possum sausages.

- What about it?
- Possum sausages?

- How wonderful.
- Huh?

The Four Hundred will love
them. What else are you serving?

File.

Filet mignon?

- File gumbo.
- Good!

Full of whole crawdads, big
chunks of catfish and mud-sucker.

Oh, my taste buds
are doing a tango.

Society will be mad about it.

And what party
preparations are these?

We're hand
engraving party invites.

Hand engra...

These are the invitations?

Yeah, we's all
doing it. Bessie, too.

You have a monkey writing
invitations? I never heard of...

of one so smart.

I don't know why everybody
makes such a big fuss over that ape.

She's only copying
what I put in front of her.

Take this away from her and
she can barely write her own name.

These are the invitations
you're sending out?

Yeah, to everybody
in the blue book.

This is the... blue book?

[CHUCKLES]

You only want the
elite at your party.

Why don't you let me take
care of inviting the guests.

Swell. You can take
over right there at, uh...

- Porky's Pizza Parlor.
- Don't worry.

I'll make sure the
right people come.

Now, you see, Granny,
she's being a help.

Why you might even have a chance
to get some sleep before the party.

'Cause I know you ain't the
least bit sleepy, are you Granny?

Granny.

[SNORING]

Good morning, Ms. Hathaway.
All ready for the big party tonight?

- I'm ready, but are the Clampetts?
- I'll check a little later.

Margaret's up there right now,
attending to the final details.

And she's personally
invited all the right people.

Yes, but chief, what about
the hand engraved invitations

- to everybody in the phone book?
- Margaret took care of that.

She told Jethro she'd
bring 'em back here to mail,

and she did...
in the incinerator.

Oh, chief, that's
so sly and devious.

Yes. Isn't she wonderful?

Good morning, Mr. Clampett.
You all ready for our party?

Well, we was, Ms. Drysdale,

but I'm afraid I got
a piece of bad news.

This here telegram's
from Millard Fribble.

- Millard Fribble?
- Yeah, you remember him.

He's the fella with the
Swingilating Musical Saw.

Oh, yes, perfect for
a coming out party.

- When are they arriving?
- Well, that's just it, they ain't.

They ain't... they aren't?

No, you see, uh, they
took a offer to play

at the Buzz River
Hog and Steer Auction.

They're giving up a trip
to Beverly Hills for that?

Well, it is a showcase.

I see.

But you still got that Luther
somebody and his, uh, Ozark Jug Band?

Luther Gooch
phoned to cancel, too.

Seems they needed
some new jugs to toot on.

So they had a party,
and now they got the jugs,

but nobody's sober
enough to play 'em.

What a shame.

Don't worry, we got plenty of
records to play on the phonograph.

You know, bluegrass,
barn dance, things like that.

Well, as long as you have country
music. It's a high society favorite.

Well, we got the outside
decorated all right?

Oh, you've done a fabulous job!

Of course, a few more
corn shucks would be nice.

Well, that's fine with me.

As long as your friends
wouldn't feel it was too show-off.

Jed?

Oh, Ms. Drysdale,
I was calling Jed

to come see the coming out
dress that you bought for Elly.

Come on in.

That sure was nice
of you, Ms. Drysdale,

buying that dress,
fixing Elly's hair and all.

Come on down, Elly.

Oh, she's just perfect.

She looks just like Gertrude Lovely
in the Star-Spangled Vagabonds.

Ain't it a little bit flashy?

The way a girl looks
at her coming out party

is all important,
dictated by tradition.

We want to do
everything just right.

And you have.

From these decorations, to having
Bessie the chimp parking the cars.

All right, honey, you
can change back now.

Now we'll just wear our regular
Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, huh?

That's right.

And, Mr. Clampett, the
big tie with the flower.

I didn't know
you was fond of it.

Oh, yes.

Well, everything seems to be
in order, so I'll be running along.

If you need any more help
before the party, just call me.

Thank you, Ms. Drysdale.

Yes, thanks, honey,
you been awful sweet.

It was my pleasure.

I just want to be sure

that Beverly Hills society
gets the proper impression.

I don't care about that, just
so Elly gets the proper fella.

I can't get over how she's helped
us with this coming out party.

Sweet as sugar.

Ain't tried to change
one thing that we done.

And do you know it
was her suggested

bobbing for apples
and having a sack race.

Just goes to show you that when
it comes to having a good time,

folks is folks, either high society
or a bunch of stump-jumpers like us.

- [TIRES SCREECHING]
- Wonder who that is.

She double-crossed me!
She hasn't changed a thing!

Oh, hi, Mr. Drysdale, Ms. Jane.

Just couldn't wait
till tonight, huh?

Really looks nice, don't it?

Yore wife thought it needed a
few more corn shucks around.

She's been nice as pie to us.

Even bought Elly a
beautiful red dress, and...

Red?

All covered with fringe
and spangles and such.

Said all coming
out gals wears 'em.

'Course everybody else just
wears Sunday-go-to-meeting.

[COUGHS]

Don't worry about splashing
gopher gravy on your good clothes.

We's giving everybody
their own bib.

Drive back to the
office, Ms. Hathaway.

- Chief...
- Drive.

The excitement's just
too much for him, huh?

- Yes, that... that's it.
- Well, see you tonight.

- Come early, stay late.
- Bye.

Just wait till I get my
hands on Margaret.

Look at this guest list,
everybody from Society Sandy

to Phil the dry cleaner.

Prince Filipo de Ragatini.

Either way, they're all gonna think
the Clampetts are a bunch of hicks.

Why, these social
lions will eat them alive.

Well, it looks as though
your wife has won.

- The party's tonight.
- We've got to do something.

Elly May's coming out will
look like a masquerade ball.

Chief, that's it.

Give me the guest list
and let's start phoning.

What are you talking about?

A society first: a
masquerade coming out party.

All right, but it better work,

or there's gonna be a
giant going away party.

For the Clampetts, the Clampetts'
money, my wife, and you.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, chief, it worked.

Society's having a
wonderful masquerade party.

Yes. But I hope nobody
tells Mr. Clampett

he won first prize
for the best costume.

They must never
find out what we did.

By the way, where's your wife?

At home, she couldn't make it.

Oh, really? What happened?

I locked her in the closet.

Well, Granny, they all seem
to be having a high old time.

Mr. Drysdale says the
cream of society is here.

Well, if this is the cream,
I'd hate to see the skim milk.

Look at 'em, they're
all a bunch of goofs.

They do seem to dress a
mite peculiar, don't they?

Peculiar?

Did you see that goomer wearing a
sheet and a bunch of leaves in his hair?

Leaves? I thought
that was a bird's nest.

It ain't so much they're dressin'
funny, but have you talked to any of 'em?

I asked that fella dancing with Elly
who he was, and he said Napoleon.

Well, you can't blame 'em for
acting strange, as sick as they are.

What you mean?

Ms. Drysdale said everyone
on the guest list was a blueblood.

Mr. Clampett, Granny, I want
you to meet Society Sandy.

- Well, howdy there.
- How's your sore throat, honey?

I beg your pardon?

You just can't shake it, huh?

You pussycats
have really done it.

You know these tootsies have
danced at a lot of coming out parties,

but this one beats them all.

It's the most original and
inventive I've ever seen.

Well, thank you, but by
rights the credit belongs to you

and our dear
friend, Ms. Drysdale.

Well, it's a great party, and
you have a lovely daughter.

And I hope I see a
lot of you in the future.

[LAUGHS]

Well, Mr. Lady-Killer,

you sure set Ms.
Society Sandy on her ear.

What you talking about?

Oh, she seemed quite anxious
to get to know you better.

I mean, she ain't gonna
have that sore throat forever.

Forget it, Granny.

Don't bother me that she
ain't too purty in the face,

and dresses funny, and
totes a stick with a ribbon on it,

but I just don't think I
could warm up to a woman

that smokes a cee-gar.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.