The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 5, Episode 21 - The Marriage Machine - full transcript

Granny decides to distill a match-making potion for Jed. When that fails, she follows Jethro to a computer dating service. As the dates arrive at the Clampett mansion, there is a mix-up between who is to see Jed and who is to see Jethro. In the end, everyone gets a date.

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was shooting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is

♪ Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

JED: Granny?

- Granny who?
- Granny you.

What's in the sack?

I just bought a few
carrots for dinner.

That's a carrot?

Well, they was a
little picked over.

Granny, this sack is full of
roots. Are you brewing a potion?

Potion? Huh! Why should
I be brewing up a potion?

'Cause it's coming on the time of the
year when you get the matchmaking urge.

Matchmaking?

Granny, I know what you're
up to, and I'm warning you...

don't go looking for
a sweetheart for me.

- But I...
- And that includes trying to bribe,

trick, trap or conjure one.

Jed, you are so suspicious.

Where do you get
these crazy ideas?

Hey, Elly, what's going on here?

You better got
out of here, Jethro.

Granny's brewing up a potion for
Paw, and she left me here to stand guard.

What kind of potion?

Well, it's a love potion
to get Paw a wife.

Granny's been collecting roots
and bark and such for months now.

Says she's waited long enough
for nature to take its course.

Now it's up to science.

You mean a love potion.
Elly, when it comes to science,

Granny is a backward,
superstitious, old-fashioned...

uh, intelligent, smart genius.

Get out of here, both of you.

Granny, when you gonna stop
wasting your time on all this hokum?

Hokum?

Yeah, ain't you been
reading the papers?

Why, there's an ad in here tells how
to get a mate for life, scientific-like.

- By a computer machine.
- Machine? Hah!

I suppose you put your
money in and out pops a wife.

No, Granny.

I'll show you. It's in
here, every morning.

I ain't got time.
My potion's ready.

Here it is.

"Find the perfect mate for
you scientifically and accurately

by computer selection.

We have a human stockpile
of thousands of people,

all sizes and types,
eager to meet you.

Call now, Roto-Romance, Inc."

- Now, that's science.
- Hah!

Machines picking out mates. I
never heared such craziness!

Granny, not
machines... computers.

Why they's across the tracks and
up the road from plain old machines.

- It's sheep dip... all of it.
- But, Granny it's scientific...

I ain't got no time to listen
to anymore nonsense.

Now, if you want to get married

up to a bunch of gears
and levers, go to it.

All right.

Wait and see.

Machines. Hah!

Wait'll my spell-making
mixture starts dripping through.

Ha-ha! That'll get Jed a wife.

[BUBBLING LOUDLY]

All right, let's see them
drops of golden potion.

Hope it ain't boiled too long.

[CLANKING]

It boiled too long.

Well, there goes my last chance
to get Jed a spring wedding.

"Roto-Romance.

All sizes and types."

[POT BUBBLING]

[POT CLANKS]

Well, I suppose it wouldn't
hurt to look over their stock.

[BEEPING, WHIRRING]

Sorry to keep you
waiting, Jethro.

Where'd you go?

I was getting to like answering
all them questions with you.

I had to take a
couple of aspirin.

You know, uh... you're
a very unique case.

Thank you.

Now, let's continue finding out
what kind of a person you are.

Do you have any pets?

Yeah, I reckon our hound
dog, Duke, is my pet.

- Any hobbies?
- Yeah, he likes to chase squirrels.

I mean you, Jethro.

Yeah, I like to chase 'em, too.

Why don't we forget
about all these questions.

I'd just as soon have you
for a sweetheart as anyone.

You and I wouldn't compute.

Well, it'd sure be
a lot of fun trying.

Yes. Well, let's stick
to the questionnaire.

Now, I need to know your income.

Income? Oh, yeah.

They say it's
'bout 7,400 dollars.

All right, 7,400 a year.

Oh, no, no, ma'am... a day.

What?

That's the interest
on the money.

We got sixty-eight million.

[WEAK LAUGH]

Uh, I'll put that down.

Sixty-eight million.

Is something wrong?

No, uh, I'm just...
writing down the figures.

I know, but you're writing 'em
down on the back of my hand.

[LAUGHS]

DRYSDALE: Up... down.

Up... down.

Twenty. Whew!

I finally found a way to
make exercise enjoyable.

There's a hundred dollars
in each of these sacks.

That's fine, chief. But I think you
should talk to Jethro right away.

Roto-Romance just called,
and he wants to sign up.

What's Roto-Romance?

Oh, it's one of those
computer dating outfits.

Oh, yes, I remember.

Say, that would be a
good idea for Jethro.

In fact, we ought to
try to get Elly interested.

- Oh, chief, you can't.
- Why not?

Because love is
a delicate spirit.

It loses its very
essence under scrutiny.

- I can't allow...
- Wait a minute.

Didn't you try this
machine matching once?

- Yes, once.
- Oh, yes, I remember.

When they put your card through
the computer, it blew a fuse.

Blacked out practically the
whole south side of town.

- That was a coincidence!
- All right, all right.

Just get over there
and pay Jethro's tuition.

See if you can get
something for Elly.

Hey, Elly, where's Granny?

Well, she walked
downtown. What's going on?

I have found the best way to get
a sweetheart since spin the bottle.

- What you mean?
- Roto-Romance.

They's gonna compute me up one.

- Huh?
- Yeah. On a electronic computer.

They let me take home this
what-you-call a data card to show you.

I'm telling you, Elly,
this Roto-Romance

is a positive, for
sure, end-all greatest.

Well, somebody didn't think so.

Why, they shot this
card plumb full of holes.

Somebody shot this
card all full of holes.

Oh, no, that's
Mr. Clampett's data card.

All the information that
you've given me is on it.

You mean the answers to them
nosy questions you asked me?

That's right. And now I'm gonna
put this card through our computer,

and in a moment out will come

the theoretically perfect
woman for Jed Clampett.

This better be on the up and up,

or you're gonna be flatter than
that card and just as fulla holes.

Everything's gonna be fine.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

Oh, Mr. Filbert.

I was wondering, could
I have the afternoon off?

I'm sorry, Ms. Oliver.

I want you to keep that lady in there
company while I run this card through.

Yes, sir.

I hope you can wait, Jethro.

Hello. I'm Linda Oliver.
Mr. Filbert asked me to come in.

You? You're the one?

Glamorpuss like you?

I beg your pardon?

D'you know how to milk a
cow or spin cloth or plant taters?

Well, no, but I just...
I didn't think so.

Computer machines,
perfect woman.

I could've done better
picking names out of a hat.

Well, where is she?

I told you to keep her company
until I ran Mr. Clampett's card through.

I... I tried, but she got
all excited and ran out.

Oh, no.

And after I found an absolutely
flawless match for him.

Never in my career have I seen two
people who computed so perfectly.

Gladys Peabody and Jed Clampett.

I've got to send her over.

Why, they're just
made for each other.

Every punch perfectly aligned.

[CHUCKLES]

Pardon me, Ms. Oliver, but
when I see something like this...

Isn't love just wonderful!

Hey, Uncle Jed. I got a
real special date coming up.

Can I borrow your courting duds?

- I reckon so.
- Thanks.

- Who's the special date?
- My bride to be, Uncle Jed.

The sweetheart of my dreams.

The only one for me.

The most terrific, wonderful
gal that ever drawed a breath.

- Who is she?
- They ain't told me yet.

- Who's they?
- Roto-Romance.

The girl said it'd take
the machine a while

to compute me
up just the right girl.

You're gonna let a machine
pick your sweetheart for you?

It's the only way.

They said that once, they ran
a couple through the computer

that had been happily
married for 23 years.

And it showed that
all that time together

they'd really been miserable.

I see.

Well, lots of luck.

Oh, I don't need
it. I got science.

From now on, the only thing
I'm gonna be short of is time.

[CHEERFUL WHISTLE]

I know you won't mind my
calling you at the last moment

when you see who
Roto-Romance has for you.

He lives here?

Oh, he's not only rich, he's
from your part of the country.

He likes the same
things that you do.

He's tall and he's
handsome, and...

Oh, I could just go on and on.

Why don't you?

I'd rather you be surprised.

Your two data cards
made such a lovely couple.

- Howdy.
- Hello. Is Mr. Clampett here?

Why, that's me.

Oh. Well, I'm Mr. Filbert of
Roto-Romance, Incorporated.

And this is Ms. Gladys Peabody.

You do know why we're here.

Oh, yes, sir, I sure do.

Just wasn't expecting
someone quite so...

Well... come on in.

What happened to
rich and handsome?

All he is is tall and country.

Now, remember, appearances are
the smallest part of a Roto romance.

True love depends
on what you have here.

[CHUCKLES] You
mean in our hearts?

Oh, no, no, no. On
your punch cards.

Ain't you coming in?

Ms. Peabody will, but I
think I'll be running along now.

Things usually work out
best when I'm not around.

But I hope you'll let
me do a paper on you

for the Society of
Matrimonial Engineers.

I'll fetch your date.

Then you're not the one?

Oh, heck no. All this is
Jethro's doing. I'm Jed.

Oh, well I must've
heard the name wrong.

What a relief!

Oh! I mean...

Jethro's a younger
fella, you know.

Well, who am I to
argue with a computer?

Yeah. Come on in.

Oh, ma'am, this here's
my daughter, Elly May.

Elly, this is Ms.
Peabody, Jethro's date.

Jethro's date?

- I mean, howdy.
- Hello.

Ms. Peabody, why don't
you have a chair here.

Elly, fetch her a glass of
cider whilst I get Jethro.

Yes, sir, Paw.

JETHRO: ♪ What
is this thing called love

Boy, there's a lady here
from the computer place.

Says she's your date.

How about that
Roto-Romance! Free delivery!

Oh, I wouldn't be expecting
too much. She appears to be...

Uncle Jed, appearances is the
smallest part of Roto-Romance.

True love depends on our cards.

Well, I'd say you'd
been dealt a losin' hand.

Uncle Jed, if you can't trust a
computer, who can you trust?

That girl out there, why
she might just as well

have been picked out
by old Dr. Einstein hisself.

Judging by her age, she was.

You wait and see. We gonna
be perfect for each other.

The computer has
never, ever been wrong.

Howdy.

Uncle Jed, what was
the last thing I said?

"The computer has
never, ever been wrong."

Thanks. I needed that.

- I'm sorry, no, I'm all alone here.
- [PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Hello...

- No, she is not here!
- [PHONE RINGING]

Hello! Hello!

Ms. Hathaway, where are you?

Roto-Romance?

Well, what are you doing there,
playing chess with a computer?

No, chief, it's been
a real education.

Oh, vastly different than
the other place I went.

Here they're professional,
scientific, intelligent.

Now... [SIGHS]

Chief, I have not
only paid Jethro's fees,

I have turned in data cards
for Elly May and Granny.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Wonderful!

Good thinking, Ms. Hathaway.

You're what?

Yes, I'm going to try for
a Roto-Romance myself.

[CHUCKLES] Why not?

I told you that was
just a coincidence.

As a matter of fact,
they're putting my data card

- through the computer right now.
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

You're improving, Ms. Hathaway.

This time you've blacked
out all of Beverly Hills.

Jed...

The lights went out.

They're out all over. But
we don't need 'em in here.

I know. It's in
there I want to see.

That's where Jethro
and his date is.

I want to see who that
computer outfit sent over.

Granny.

I still didn't get a
good look at her.

But she must be
a right proper girl.

- What do you mean?
- She brung her mother with her.

I wonder what happened
to them old lights.

Of course with 'em
off, you look real nice.

Hmm.

Oh, I didn't mean that
the way it sounded.

I just can't get over the computer
matching up two people of such...

[CHUCKLES]...different ages.

It seemed kinda queer to me, too.
But it must of knowed what it was doing.

I guess so.

And Mr. Filbert did say
that our match was...

programmed in heaven.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

Shucks.

What are your hobbies, Jethro?

Oh, uh, eating...

Eating. Yeah, eating.

Well, one of mine
is, um, cooking.

- Really?
- Yes.

Gladys, this could be
the start of something big.

Oh!

Uncle Jed, I got to
have a talk with you.

All right, boy.
Where's Ms. Peabody?

She's heading for the kitchen. She
thought she'd enjoy meeting Granny.

Well, she thought wrong.

Because Granny ain't
exactly school's-out happy

about this computer
courtship business.

I'm beginning to
wonder about that myself.

How come?

Gladys and me may've
been programmed in heaven

but down here we
ain't having no fun at all.

Maybe you ain't the
match you thought you was.

No, they's no doubt about that.

But maybe it'd help if you'd
have a little talk with her.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Get her to liven up a
little, so I can find out

some of the other
things we got in common.

I mean, they's only so much
you can say about cooking grits.

Oh, hello. You must
be Jethro's grandmother.

And your the one that computer
outfit sent over here to baby-sit with him.

Oh, no, no, we're
a perfect match.

We been scientifically selected.

You've been scientifically
hornswoggled.

They say those
computers are never wrong.

- Hah!
- After all, they're the same machines

that are sending
a man to the moon.

And who are they mis-matching
him with, a moon-woman?

Well, anyway, Jethro and I
have found one common interest.

Food.

He tells me he likes grits.

I do know how to cook them.

- You do, huh?
- Mm.

All right, let's see you cook
up some grits for Jethro.

Oh, I don't need a pan that big.

That ain't the
pan, it's the ladle.

- That's the cooking pan.
- This?

And just hope he
don't ask for seconds.

Oh, there you are, Ms. Peabody.

I wonder if I could
have a word with you.

Oh, well...

Sure, go on. And
when you're done,

I'll get out my washtub and
we'll practice making gravy.

Ms. Peabody, ma'am, seeing
that Jethro is my nephew,

I figured that you and me
ought to get better acquainted.

Oh. I'd like that.

I understand you been
clean through the third grade.

Well, to be honest, I
had to drop out of the first.

Me, too. Had to go
work on the farm.

Really? That's why I left.

- You lived on a farm?
- Born and raised on one.

I miss it.

Same here.

Say, you wouldn't happen to
have another piece of wood there?

I think so.

- You like to whittle?
- I love it.

Me, too.

Howdy, Ms. Oliver.

- Hi, Jethro.
- Hi.

Well, you seem low.

Oh, that's 'cause
I'm sitting down.

Yes.

Could I sit down, too?

Oh, sure.

You are an awfully
attractive man, Jethro.

Yeah, I know.

Yes, well... how do
you feel about me?

You? Well, I think that you're
prettier than a mess of hog jowls

and sweeter than
a tub of sorghum.

But... I ain't free to say it.

Why not?

I'm done took.

You mean you have a steady girl?

Well, no, she's a little
shaky, but she's my intended.

Jethro, and I thought we
were so right for each other.

Me, too, Linda, but
you can't fight science.

What do you mean?

I just got too much
brain for m' body.

You're kidding.

No. It's the unhappy truth.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't
so dad-blamed educated.

But I thought you just
graduated from the sixth grade.

No, I done that two years ago.

Oh.

Linda, tell me something.

Could you be happy
married to an atomic scientist

or a nuclear physicist
or a space-age engineer?

No.

I'd be much happier married
to a simple country boy.

Doggone! If you'd only
got to me ten years ago.

Jethro, there... there
must be some hope for me.

Wait a minute, maybe there is.

- You like country fellas, huh?
- Oh, yes.

- Regular old hayseeds?
- Yes.

That's the kinda fella
you want to marry?

- Exactly.
- Okay, you can be my aunt.

- What?
- Yeah. You marry my Uncle Jed.

Least that way we
can kiss on holidays.

Uncle Jed, I'd like for you
to meet your bride-to-be.

Who?

Does your getting engaged
to her make this a holiday?

- Engaged?
- I'll take a chance.

[GASPS]

Uncle Jed, just be glad that you
ain't got an enormous brain like mine.

It can sure get in the
way of a fella's fun.

Ma'am, uh, why
don't you step inside,

and, uh, let me see if
I can sort this boy out.

Now, what's going on?

Just a idea I had to get
some new blood in the family.

Don't tell Gladys.

- It's her I have to discuss with you.
- How come?

Well, I started out to ask her about
you but something kept getting in the way.

- What?
- My asking about her.

- About her what?
- About her everything.

What I'm trying to say is, uh,

we hit it off just like we'd
knowed each other all our lives.

Uncle Jed, are you telling me you
done stole my computer sweetie?

The woman that's my
scientific-selected perfect match?

Well, stole ain't
exactly the word.

Go on, say you done it.

All right, I done it.

Oh, thank you,
Uncle Jed. Thank you!

Seeing as how you
stole my bride-to-be,

I don't suppose you'd
mind if I stole yours?

Seems only fair.

Oh, thank you, Uncle Jed,
than you! Linda, hey, Linda!

Come on, Elly, we'll go upstairs
and sew a while before supper.

But, gee, Granny. I bet
you Paw and Jethro's

having a lot of fun on their
double date with Gladys and Linda.

They will if they can keep
straight who's out with who.

Maybe we could get
us computer dates.

Don't even talk about it.

The only thing you can be
sure about with a Roto-Romance

is that you'd be going
out with the wrong fella.

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Come in.

Good evening Elly, Granny.

Mr. Filbert tells me you've met.

- Yep. Howdy.
- Howdy.

- How do you do, ladies?
- I have a surprise for you.

Mr. Filbert has
asked me out tonight.

Oh, the machine
matched you up, huh?

Oh, I didn't even
bother to check.

Anyone who can find a blown
computer fuse like she did,

well, that's my kind of girl.

Well, have a good time.

Oh, well that
isn't the surprise.

You're going with us.

We put cards through
for you and Elly

and the computer came up
with two wonderful escorts.

Come in, Bert, Hugh.

That's nice of you, Ms. Jane,

but Granny said she wouldn't
ever go out with no computer date.

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

- Hello.
- Hi.

I changed my
mind, Elly, let's go.

But you said all you could be
sure of getting is the wrong fella.

I'll give it one try.

Who's going to tell her?

[LAUGHING]

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.