The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Soup Contest - full transcript

Granny despairs of Elly Mae ever finding a husband and decides to promote her non-existent cooking skills. She is entered into a TV show cook off but nothing she fixes is edible.

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was shooting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is

♪ Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

Beats me how Elly May can make
these donuts without using cement.

[PHONE RINGS]

Maybe she does use cement.

Hello. Granny speaking.

Oh, howdy, Miss
Jane. How are you?

Fine, Granny.

We've received a telegram addressed
to Elly May Clampett in care of the bank.

- Shall I send it over?
- No, no.

Open it and read it to me.
I've been waiting for that.

It's from the Savory Soup
Company and it says...

Oh! There must be some mistake.

It says that Elly May has
won a cooking contest.

No, no, that ain't no mistake.

I knowed Elly would win that
contest 'cause I made the soup meself.

[LAUGHS]

Well, yeah, I reckon
it is cheating a little.

But I'm desperate to
get this girl a husband

and winning that
contest can do it.

Well, I sympathize with you,
Granny, but won't Mr. Clampett object?

Of course he will.

Getting him to swallow this'll
take a heap of sugar coating, but...

I'll have to call you
back, Miss Jane.

John Barrymore just walked in.

What'd you say?

No! It ain't John Barrymore.

It's Milton Sills.

Ooh, you're too
young for Milton.

Why, Jed Clampett,
you handsome rascal.

Granny, have you gotten
into your rheumatiz medicine?

Oh, Jed, I was only funning.

But you are an
uncommon handsome man.

I often wandered
how you stay single.

But I reckon it's because
Elly May ain't married yet.

Granny, are you fixing
to tell me something?

Not while you got that
ax in your hand, I ain't.

Now, Jed...

Before I tell you, I want you to
promise not to use no bad words on me.

Well, I wouldn't do that.

Well, Elly May has done won
first prize in a cooking contest.

- How?
- That's a bad word.

Hey.

- You broke your promise to me.
- Down.

How could Elly May win first
prize in a cooking contest?

That girl can't boil water.

She didn't win it for
water. She won it for soup.

Soup?

Well, this company was
looking for a new soup,

and Elly won it with
Snider's Surprise.

Now, Granny, you're the only one in
this family can cook Snider's Surprise.

Jed, what difference
does it make?

The winner will be on TV and
get her pictures in the paper,

and the men'll be
flocking around this place

like crows in a cornhusking.

Granny, it ain't honest.

- Jed, I knew you'd be unreasonable.
- Now, hold on.

There's right and there's
wrong, and this is wrong.

Now, you get on that phone
and call that soup company,

and I'll tell Elly she's
pulling out of the contest.

No, no, Jed. Don't
do it, I'm warning you.

It'll be a terrible shock to her.
There's no telling what she might say.

I'm sorry, but...

Elly May, you are pulling
out of the cooking contest.

What cooking contest?

See? I warned you there's
no telling what she might say.

What y'all talking about?

Never mind, Elly. You've
had a terrible shock.

- Now, run along.
- Yes'm, Granny.

No, stay here, Elly.

I want you to know what
your granny's been up to.

Well, what, Granny?

I've been up to trying to get
you a husband, that's what.

Paw, what's wrong with that?

Never mind, Elly. Run
along like your granny said.

I'll straighten
this out with her.

Well, I sure hope you're gonna
let her get some fellas for me.

Run on, now.

- Now, Granny...
- Oh!

There it goes again.
That terrible stabbing pain.

I ain't long for
this world, Jed.

- You ain't, huh?
- No.

And I sure would like to see
my grand granddaughter married

before I go to my reward.

- Slipping fast, are you?
- Yeah.

Everything's turning dark.

How long you think you got?

Not long, Jed, not long.

Then get on the phone
and call that soup company.

Jed, don't you wanna
see your daughter married?

Course I do.

Well, that sweet, innocent child
don't know how to trap a husband.

I gotta he'p her.

It ain't right trapping
him with your bait.

Elly May is done past
the prime marrying age.

We're dealing with a
middle-aged woman.

I thought she was a
sweet, innocent child.

Naturally. You're her father.

You call that soup company.

It's terrible to be a old woman.

Nobody loves you.

Folks all yell at you.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm talking about Elly.

Hello, Savory Soup Company.

This isn't the Savory
Soup Company.

- Granny, is that you?
- This is Granny.

I just wanna tell you that Elly
May Clampett can't win that contest

because she didn't
make Snider's Surprise.

I did. Thank you. Goodbye.

What was that? Hello? Hello?

Granny, you done
the right thing.

I think I did too.

Granny, a fella just called and
said he was coming over to see me.

Said he was from the
Savory Soup Company.

- Where's your paw?
- Out front. Want me to go tell him?

No, no! No. I'll
handle your paw.

- I'll go and make some more donuts?
- No, no! No, don't do that.

Granny, he's gonna
expect something.

Why, he just bragged about
my cooking to beat the band.

Yeah, well, we'll wade
that crick when we get to it.

Now, you go upstairs and
take a nice hot lye-soap bath

and put on that
dress I laid out for you

whilst I get shed of your paw.

Well, why do you
wanna do that, Granny?

Don't Paw want me to meet fellas

and get spoke for
and married up an' all?

Of course he does, darling.

It's just that men don't know
how to manage things like this.

Now, you just trust
your old granny.

I do, Granny.

Sweet thing. Pretty too.

She'd make some
man a perfect wife...

if she was just 14 again.

William S. Hart, what
are you doing here?

No, it's Dustin Farnum.

You fooled me again. It's
Jed Clampett. [CHUCKLES]

I declare you are getting
handsomer every minute.

All right, Granny, what
are you up to this time?

Well, I'll be honest with you, Jed,
there is something you can do for me,

long as you're setting down
here with your gun and your dog.

- What's that?
- Shoot me some fresh bear meat.

In Beverly Hills?

Well, no, I think you'd have
to range out a little ways.

Say, to Utah.

How would I get to Utah?

Turn left at Arizony.

Come on, Jed. I got my heart
set on eating grizzly and gravy.

Well, you better get your
heart set on something else.

Well, how about some
wild moose jowls?

Moose jowls?

Well, how long has it been since
we've had some good wild moose meat?

Granny, I am staying right here.

You can't, Jed. You gotta go.

- Why?
- Well... for Duke's sake.

All that hunting talk you been doing
has got that poor dog stirred to a frenzy.

He don't look stirred to me.

Not from that end maybe.

But this end is raring to go.

Down, boy.

Down, boy.

It's too late, Jed. That high-spirited
animal can't be held back.

He's got to go
hunting or have a fit.

Granny, if it'll get
you off our backs,

Duke and me'll see can
we jump you a few rabbits.

Not cottontails, Jed.
Fetch me some jackrabbits.

Them big rascals.
Mountain jacks.

The kind you have to find
way back in the high country.

I'll have Jethro
fetch the truck.

Come on, boy.

Come on, Duke, let's go hunting.

Some powerful frenzy he's in.

He's just waiting for the truck.

I don't like this, Miss
Hathaway. I don't like it at all.

Using this bank as a mail drop to
fraudulently win a cooking contest.

Oh, I'm very angry with you.

Chief, I told you, Granny
did it. Why yell at me?

You don't think I'm crazy
enough to yell at her, do you?

But, chief, I'm sure Granny doesn't
think she did anything fraudulent.

- She only...
- Well, she did.

And that's what this,
out and out fraud.

Granny cooked the
soup. Elly May won the...

- Does any money come with this?
- No, just publicity.

Out and out fraud!

And I will not let the
bank get involved.

Granny's got to be told in no
uncertain terms to confess the truth

or I'll blow this
contest wide open.

Chief, I'm sure you're
going to make me tell her.

Now, why are you
putting your hat on?

Well, someone has to
drive the getaway car.

How do you do? Is this the
home of Elly May Clampett?

You mean the rich,
beautiful, young, unmarried girl

that won the cooking contest
with Snider's Surprise soup?

Yes, yes.

No, this ain't her home.

- It... It isn't?
- It belongs to her paw.

- Oh.
- But she lives here. Come in, come in.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

- I'm Elly's granny.
- I'm Stafford Clark of Savory Soup.

This gentleman represents
our advertising company.

Roger Dickerback,

Dickerback, Breedlove,
Burnett, Henderson, Postalwait,

Johnson, Northcross and Wesson.

Why, by the time they
call you for supper,

you've done missed it.

That's my company name.

Well, excuse me if I
treat you like family,

'cause I'll never remember it.

May... May we meet
your granddaughter?

You mean the rich, beautiful, young,
unmarried girl that won the contest?

- Yes.
- Follow me.

She's out in the
kitchen, as always.

Just loves to cook,
that young 'un.

Say, how do you figure this?

Young, wealthy girl, loves to cook,
spends all of her time in the kitchen.

What's the catch?

I'm afraid we'll find
out when we see her.

- You mean...?
- She's gotta be a real beetle.

It's a good thing I warned you.

She sure is a sight, ain't she?

Wow.

Roger, let's remember
why we're here.

Miss Clampett, I want
to congratulate you

for cooking the best
shape... soup, soup.

Elly, this is Mr. Clark.

- Well, howdy.
- How do you do?

And this fella's name is Roger.
I can't recollect the rest of it.

Dickerback. How do you do?

- Howdy.
- Tell her your company name.

Dickerback, Breedlove,
Burnett, Henderson, Postalwait,

Johnson, Northcross and Wesson.

How would you like to
carve his headstone?

Miss Clampett, I'd like
to take this opportunity

to tell you that I think
that Snider's Surprise

is the most unusual and the
most delicious soup I ever tasted.

Well, I like it too.

Could you tell us how it's made?

I can't.

What she means
is she can't tell you,

but if you put her on
television, she can show you.

Why, that's an excellent idea.

- But, Granny, I ain't never...
- Been on television.

I know, honey.

But I'll be right there handing
you things, he'ping you.

That's all right
with you, ain't it?

Well, I think I would prefer to use
our own home economist, Sally Savory.

She can help you.

But Granny's the only one that's
ever made Snider's Surprise.

What?

What she means
is it's a family secret,

handed down, word of mouth.

Now, could your Miss
Savory stand there

and hand Elly a dab of
this and a smidgen of that

and a tetch of something?

Well, I... I hardly
think so. Um...

Well, there you
are. She needs me.

You ain't just
a-woofing, Granny.

What do you think, Roger?

Well, it might have
commercial potential.

Old family recipe kept
secret for generations

finally revealed to Savory Soup.

And we give it to the world.

Right. Let's take the idea back
to the ad agency and brainstorm it.

Good thinking. We'll run it up
the flagpole and see who salutes it.

Plug it in, see if
it really lights up.

Put it on the train, see
if it gets off at Westport.

Now, just a doggone minute.

You ain't gonna run our soup
up no flagpole or put it on a train.

Just a figure of speech, ma'am.

Well, now, young lady, it looks to
me like you're going to be on television.

[BOTH CHEER]

First of all, of course, you'll have to
sign these releases and authorizations.

She is 21?

She ain't no so such thing.

Why, that sweet child
is just barely past 14.

- 14?
- Well, give or take a year or two.

Oh. Oh, well, I'm afraid, then,

these papers will have to be
signed by her mother and father.

Well, I ain't got no maw,
and my paw ain't here neither.

He's done gone
to the high country.

Ain't that pitiful? Poor child.

I'll sign the papers.

- He'll be coming back, though.
- Who will?

- My paw.
- Ain't that pitiful?

Give me the pen.

He's just out hunting
with my cousin Jethro.

Nobody tells me
nothing around here.

I think we'd better wait and
get Mr. Clampett's signature.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- There he is now.

I'll have him sign and
fetch the papers back to you.

Under the circumstances, I think
we'd better witness the signature.

You'd better come with me, Elly.
That front door's awful hard to open.

Well, chief, we tried. I
guess they're not home.

- Move over.
- Get back there, you coward.

Mr. Drysdale, you're just
the fella I'm looking for.

Stop her, Miss
Hathaway. Save me.

What are you scared of?
All I want's a little favor.

Oh, well, what is it?

Come out to the kitchen,

pretend you're Jed and sign
his name to some papers.

Wait. You want me to impersonate
Mr. Clampett and forge his signature?

That's all. Come on.

Now, wait a minute.
I... I can't do that.

You got to.

It's the only way I can get Elly on
the television and get her a husband.

I'm sorry. I can't do it.

Are you refusing to do
me one little old favor?

- Well, yes, under the...
- Granny, he could be sent to prison.

Oh.

If he ain't gonna do it as a
favor, I ain't gonna force him.

Just go to the kitchen and
tell them fellas to forget about it.

Elly and me will
commence packing.

Packing?

I promised myself if I didn't
get Elly a husband this time,

we were going
back home for good.

- No, wait.
- Four years in Beverly Hills is enough.

- This crick is fished dry.
- But, Granny...

Just get Jed's money baled.

We'll be leaving first
thing in the morning.

What a spot. Go to prison for
forgery or give up 60 million dollars.

I'm sorry, chief. I wish there
were some way I could help.

Chief, don't... don't...
don't look at me like that.

No, chief, wait.

Relax. Your job will be waiting
for you when you get out.

Well, gentlemen, I find
these papers in order.

I'm certain that I can persuade
Mr. Clampett to sign them.

- That's wonderful, Mr. Drysdale.
- Glad to do it, glad to do it.

J.D. Clampett has a
lot of money in my bank

and I feel sure it's gonna
make him feel good to know

that he's doing business
with fellow depositors.

But, Mr. Drysdale, I don't believe my
company has an account with your bank.

- Neither has my ad agency.
- Really?

Oh, my, that does
present a problem.

Oh, yes, very clannish,
these hill people.

They like to feel that there's
a sort of bond, you know.

Well, it's too bad. It could
have been a great campaign.

Well, now, wait.

Maybe I can get my company to
open a small commercial account

if I put on the pressure.

- Me too.
- You're using a word I don't like.

- Pressure?
- No, small.

Uh, how's medium?

- Try again.
- Substantial?

- Keep going.
- Large?

You've just made
Mr. Clampett a very happy man.

Come in, J.D.

We're waiting for your
signature, Mr. Clampett.

It's all right. They're
fellow depositors.

A very bashful man. Excuse me.

Now, if you got your hair
cut, you could hear better.

This is Mr. Clark
and Mr. Dickerback.

Well, I'm happy to
meet you, Mr. Clampett.

Howdy. Howdy.

Mr. Clampett, you've got to stop
taking these long hunting trips.

Why, you're down
to skin and bone.

Mr. Clampett, I'm sure you're
going to be very happy to know

that both my own soup company
and Mr. Dickerback's ad agency

are opening substantial
accounts at Mr. Drysdale's bank.

- What kind?
- BOTH: Large.

Right. Sign here, J.D.

Not until you promise to give
that there fine, upstanding, efficient,

hard-working secretary
of yours a raise.

What?

And I think it's high
time she was getting in

on that there pension
and profit sharing plan too.

I'll take it up with her
later, you can count on that.

I got to have your promise now
in front of these here witnesses.

OK, I promise, a
substantial raise.

- What kind?
- Large.

Right. Large raise,
pension and profit sharing.

And I'll throw in hospitalization.
She's going to need it.

Well, gee whiz, Granny, do
we have to go back home?

You want a husband, don't you?

Well, sure, but...

Well, you ain't gonna
get one out here.

We been yelling
sooey for four years.

Ain't got a hog
to the trough yet.

Granny, you won't have to
leave. Everything is all set.

Mr. Clampett just
signed the papers.

Elly May's gonna be
the Savory Soup Girl.

We'll be back in a couple
of hours for a taping session.

- Be back for a what?
- Oh, just a technical expression.

It means they're going
to put Elly on television.

[ELLY WHISTLES]

I'll have me some gentleman
callers then, won't I, Granny?

You betcha, honey. And
be sure and smile a lot.

Show 'em your teeth
don't need fixing.

The raise is 10 dollars a week.

Make that 15.15!

All right, let's
say 12 and a half.

- Hi.
- Howdy.

[SCREAMS]

Now, don't let
this gun scare you.

I just been out
jumping a few jacks.

You from back home?

Kinfolk?

Must be from Granny's
side of the family.

I figured. You got her frame.

You sure ain't got her mouth.

Now, don't you worry,
child. I'm gonna be there...

Oh, Paw, thank you
for signing them papers.

Oh, Jed, you did
sign the papers.

I thought maybe Mr. Drysdale...

- Who's that goomer?
- Ain't he your kin?

I ain't never seen him before.

And now, young lady,
I'm going to... Mexico.

- Goodbye, everybody.
- Chief!

I am not going
to face this alone.

Miss Hathaway. What is the
meaning of this masquerade?

Oh, come, now.

Doggies, it is Miss Jane.

Miss Hathaway, I demand a
full explanation of your behavior.

Have it on my desk
when I return from Mexico.

- Mr. Drysdale.
- Yes?

It seems to me that there's
more than one fox here

with feathers on his mouth.

Supposing we all
sit down at the table

and give all the chickens
a chance to cackle?

All right, Granny, can we
see you at the kettle, please?

That's it, right
there. That's good.

Right, let's get a balance on the sound.
Would you say something, Granny?

- Am I on the television yet?
- Not yet. Another minute or so.

Granny, while we got a minute,

I just wanna tell you how I'm
proud of the way you're taking this.

Right is right, Jed.

But it sure wouldn't have been right
to have Elly make the soup on the TV.

Oh, I agree, Jed.

Don't worry. Elly'll
get herself a husband.

Of course she will.

And we'll have the pleasure of
knowing that she got him without no tricks.

You're so right, Jed.

Mr. Clampett, would you step out of the
picture, please? We're just about ready.

Well, you betcha.

- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.

All right, Granny,
are you ready?

Howdy, all you folks out
there in television land.

I'm fixing to show you how I
make Snider's Surprise soup.

It's named after Snider's
Swamp back home,

'cause it's made from all
the critters who live there.

Now, first you just start
with a good rich gator stock.

I reckon some of you
city folks calls it elly-gator,

but back home we
don't use the... Elly!

- Did you call me, Granny?
- Bless my soul.

If it ain't my rich,
beautiful, young,

unmarried granddaughter,
Elly May Clampett.

Yes, ma'am.

Look at that smile.

Ain't a tooth in her
head needs fixing.

I might have knowed.

I reckon she's gonna have
a swim in the cement pond

just to cool off from all
that work in the kitchen.

Just loves to cook, that girl.

[MUSIC MASKS SPEECH]

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.