The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 5, Episode 15 - The Christmas Present - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was shooting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is

♪ Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

Wow. What a Christmas tree.

Yeah. Wait till Granny sees it.

What you doing with this
clothesline full of wash?

Doggone. I bet I picked it
up driving through that alley.

What was you doing
driving in a alley?

Like to see you take this wide
load through downtown traffic.

I'll take the wash back just
as soon as I get the tree inside.

Well, I'll find Granny and
see exactly where she wants it.

Well, Granny, Jethro'll be
back any minute with our tree.

I know it.

In a few days
Christmas'll be on us.

Yep. The carolers are
coming around every night.

The houses is being
decorated with purty lights.

Folks is getting presents
and trimming trees and...

I ain't never been so
miserable in my whole life.

Granny, where's
your Christmas spirit?

That's what I'd like to know.

I been sitting here rocking all
morning waiting for it to hit me.

Don't you feel
Christmassy at all?

Oh, I get a tingle now and then.

But it lasts as long as a
snowflake on a hot griddle.

Oh, here you are. Jethro's back.
What should he do with the tree?

- Climb it.
- Granny.

Uncle Jed! Uncle Jed,
come quick! We got trouble!

I went and got a tree too big
to go through the front door!

Jethro, turn it endways.

Oh, yeah. Good thinking.

Yeah, that's really
using your head.

You know, Uncle Jed, for an
uneducated man, you're real smart.

Thanks, boy.

Granny, come see
the Christmas tree.

If'n it don't get your
spirits up, nothing will.

- It ain't no use, child.
- Please, come take a look.

Well, I suppose
it's worth a try.

Granny, take a look.

Now, enough of this.

Your chin gets any lower,
you'll be tripping over it.

Shucks, I'm starting to
get a little gloomied myself.

Hey, I know what'll cheer us up.

Let's go out in the kitchen
and eat some fruitcake.

Oh, I ought to be mule-kicked
for being such a wet blanket.

But it just don't feel
like Christmas out here.

To tell you the truth, something's
been missing for me too,

and I think I know what it is.

Yeah, snow on the ground.

- Frost on the windows.
- And eating fruitcake.

And the smell of
winter in the air.

- The sound of sleigh bells.
- And eating fruitcake?

Remember back home that
time we surprised Silas Meek

by cutting up all his firewood?

- Yeah.
- That was a good Christmas.

And remember that time when we
hired out and done chores and sold eggs

so as we could buy a new set
of teeth for the Widow Crabtree?

Do I!

That was the first
time in 19 years

that she was able to
chew her Christmas dinner.

- That was fun.
- I remember that.

Oh, a good time.

And after that, every year
we picked out somebody

and see that they
had a merry Christmas.

Well, that's what
we're missing out here.

Well, what are we waiting for?

- Let's pick someone.
- Yeah.

All right, now, there's
one person in Beverly Hills

that could stand a show of Christmas
spirit more than anybody I know,

and I think you
all know who it is.

- Jane Hathaway.
- John Cushing.

- Lowell Farquhar.
- I mean Ms. Drysdale.

Ms. Drysdale?

Why, she can't
stand the sight of us.

I know, but if we help it along, the
holiday spirit might just thaw her out.

Why, even the orneriest folks
wears a smile at Christmas.

I can't stand those crude, ignorant,
despicable hillbillies one day longer.

It's Christmas.

As a gift, why don't
you give the Clampetts

a nice long vacation
in some tropical retreat,

like Devil's Island?

Forget it. The Clampetts
are staying right here.

Oh, please. Help me get rid
of them for the holidays at least.

Margaret, this is the
season to be with friends,

and the Clampetts are my closest,
dearest, warmest... savings account.

Oh, you're impossible. All you
care about is making money.

So what are you trying to do with
that Christmas rummage sale of yours?

That's different.

The proceeds are to go to
underprivileged families...

over in Brentwood.

Brentwood?

Why, half of them don't
even make 25,000 a year.

Margaret, I'm busy. Go rummage.

Very well. Just be sure you get my
box of castaways to the sale today.

- Me?
- Well, it's the least you can do.

You were too cheap to
donate any of your old clothes.

I don't have any old clothes.

Oh, what about that old
seersucker suit hanging in the closet?

That's not old. I
bought that in... 1948.

It's hopelessly out of style.

You forgot, I had it modernized.

Oh, yes.

And now I remember what you did
with those wide lapels they cut off.

So?

They happened to make a very
nice pair of seersucker socks.

Doggone it, I sure can't figure
what to give Ms. Drysdale.

Me neither.

I will. Just let me
think a minute.

If you wait till I get my
mind-reading potion to working,

I'll tell you what Ms. Drysdale
wants more than anything in the world,

scientific and exact.

Whilst we're waiting, read off that
list of things we thought of already.

Let's see. Possible
gifts for Ms. Drysdale.

Uncle Jed, you thought of a good
book or something nice to wear.

Pitiful. Wonder
how her teeth is.

Elly done thought a small
milking goat or some goldfish.

All right, if you're all so determined
to know what Ms. Drysdale wants,

my mind-reading potion will
tell you what she really wants.

Well, Granny, ain't
you for the idea?

Oh, I'm for it.

But getting some friendly
out of her with presents

is gonna be harder than getting
good sense out of a turkey.

I got your table all set up outside
for you, Granny, just like you wanted.

Good.

Granny, I don't recollect hearing
about your mind-reading potion till today.

Course you ain't.
Experimental. Top secret.

Why, if this was to fall into the
wrong hands, I shudder to think what...

Stand back.

Mind-reading potion,
smoky and green.

Deepest dark secret
never been seen.

Come up and out of
your faraway haunts

and tell us the present
Ms. Drysdale wants.

You getting anything, Granny?

The reception ain't so good.

Wait. Something's
coming through.

What is it? A new churn?

No. It's a corset.

No.

Wait. I see it, clear as a bell!

It's shoes. She wants new shoes.

Granny, them's your shoes.

Your potion done
ate through the table.

Well, we can always give
her that good swift kick.

Chief, I have called every
trucking firm in the directory.

The least any of them will haul
your wife's rummage to the sale for

is five dollars.

Five dollars? That's an outrage.

Say, if... if you could make
enough trips in your car...

I'm sorry, chief. No.

Oh, please, Miss Hathaway.
Where's that old holiday spirit?

All right, I'll strike
a bargain with you.

I'll pick up your
wife's old clothes

if you'll have a Christmas
party for the employees.

- What kind of party?
- A Christmas party.

Most places do something for
their employees at this time of year.

Well, I've given them
Christmas day off.

Chief, most banks even
give a holiday bonus.

I've already thought of that.

- You have?
- Mm-hm.

Just this morning
I said to myself,

"Milburn, you've got to give those loyal
employees of yours a Christmas bonus."

- Well, chief, that's extraordinary.
- I thought so too.

Fortunately a cold shower
brought me to my senses.

Then you will have to
pay for your own hauling.

Now, now, hold on, hold on. What...
What about the Clampetts' truck?

Get Jethro on the phone for me.

Oh, he'll do this for free.

That's using the old noodle.

Hello, Jethro. Jane
Hathaway here. Uh...

Mr. Drysdale wondered if you could
do some... some work for him today.

Let me talk to him.

Hello, Jethro, my boy.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

Say, do you think
you could come over

and pick up some of my
wife's things at my house

and take them over
to Brentwood for me?

Yes, they're for a rummage sale.

Oh, good.

Yes, she does need the money.

Well, yeah, I'd be
happy to work for you.

I can use some money myself.

Money?

Ten dollars? Yes, but...

Yes, Jethro. Merry
Christmas to you too.

Merry Christmas.

Bah humbug.

Hey, Uncle Jed, Mr. Drysdale
hired me to do some work for him.

I'm gonna earn some
Christmas present money.

Good boy. You gonna
get Granny something?

No, me.

I done got your presents.

But don't ask me what yours is.

I'll give you a hint.

It's full of brown sugar and
raisins and lots of nuts and fruit.

And you can count
on it being good.

Leastways, the half I ate was.

Jed, I got it, I got it.

You mean you figured out
what to get Ms. Drysdale?

Yeah. Shoes.

Granny, I told you them was
your shoes you was seeing.

But it was my potion
that showed 'em to me.

- It's an omen.
- Seems a mite far-fetched to me.

What you mean?

Half the skill of making them potions is
knowing where to look for the answers.

Paw, Granny, Ms.
Drysdale is a-coming.

Every time she shows
up, it means trouble.

Maybe she's just getting the
holiday spirit. Now, be nice.

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Clampett, Granny!

- Oh, season's greetings, Ms. Drysdale.
- Howdy.

- Merry Christmas, Ms. Drysdale.
- Felicitations to you all.

I was wondering if you were going
back to the hills at all for the holidays.

No, I'm happy to say
we're gonna stay right here,

and we're expecting you and the mister
for Christmas dinner, same as always.

How grand. Uh...

I'm sure you know
that a jet flight

will get you back to the hills for
the holidays even at this late date.

Well, I don't
think we want to...

I was looking through
some magazines this morning

and I noticed these snow scenes.

I'm sure you miss
the snow back home.

Well, to tell you the truth...

What a shame to
spend the holidays here

when a white Christmas
is only a jet flight away.

These are very
pretty, Ms. Drysdale...

Oh, no, no, no, I
want you to have them.

They are my little
Christmas present to you.

Little is right.

She could at least give
us the whole magazine.

Well, Ms. Drysdale,
that's very nice of you.

Why don't you come
in and set a spell?

Well, I suppose so.

I do have this airline
schedule I want to show you.

Well, that's fine.

You come in and sit a spell and
we'll come in and listen in a minute.

Now, remember, we gotta
find out what she wants.

Why should we worry what
to give her for Christmas

when she gives us
a sorry gift like this,

two pages tore
out of a magazine?

Now, Granny, it ain't the
gift, it's the thought behind it.

The thought behind that
would fit on the head of a pin.

All the more reason to
get her what she wants.

- Now, let's find out what it is.
- I already told you. Shoes.

I know, but just in case,
I'm gonna check her teeth.

If'n you don't care much
about fresh goat's milk,

how do you feel about goldfish?

Queasy.

Oh, Mr. Clampett, would you
like to look at this timetable?

Yes, ma'am, I sure would, ma'am.

Now, why don't you board tonight,
the 8:13, or the 9:20 this evening?

- You'd arrive in the morning.
- How about a white rat or a pet frog?

Or you could leave in the morning
and arrive tomorrow afternoon.

Is this the kind of
heel you're partial to?

Of course, you could wait until
midday. Would that be better?

You ever thought of
wearing store-bought teeth?

What? Whoa!

This appears to be size five.

But if you ask me, you
ought to take a seven.

Oh!

- How come she run off?
- Just skittish, I reckon.

No. I caught her
wearing too small a shoe.

Some folks just won't
admit they got big feet.

Boy, you should have
seen Ms. Drysdale.

She was bouncing along like
a buggy with a square wheel.

We know that. What am I
gonna do with this shoe?

Well, you ought to give it to
Ms. Drysdale. She's missing one.

Good idea, boy.

Well, you'd feel
sorry for her too

if you knew what she has to do to
get her shopping money for Christmas.

Well, what d'you mean, Jethro?

She gotta sell off a
whole bunch of her things.

Oh, no.

The Drysdales ain't
lacking for money. You sure?

Well, Mr. Drysdale
told me hisself.

He hired me to take all this
stuff over to Brentwood and sell it.

Said Ms. Drysdale
needed the money.

I've known that man to get
into penny-pinching moods,

but this takes the
fuzz off the peach.

Oh, Jed, she's having
to sell her nicest things.

It's so sad. And after the
way I mean-mouthed her too.

Granny, even her fur piece.

Oh, it must have broke
her heart to part with these.

Every box is just filled
with high-fashion finery.

Having to sell her
clothes, and at Christmas.

I know now why she could only
give us a couple of magazine pictures.

She sure wears
funny-looking socks.

Appears to be
made of seersucker.

They got buttonholes in 'em.

Jed, I feel so sad.

We just got to give this poor woman
a extra nice present at Christmas.

Yeah, to help her to forget having
to part with all these pretty clothes.

You've just hit on
the best present of all.

- What?
- These, her very favorite things.

We'll go down to where she's
selling 'em and buy 'em back for her.

- Yeah!
- We can gift-wrap 'em and everything.

And surprise her.

Oh, Jed, just wait till she opens
the boxes on Christmas morning.

She'll have one humdinger
of a look on her face.

Paw, most of these
help-wanted ads is for engineers.

Yeah, looks like railroading
is the coming thing.

Don't this beat all,
us trying to find jobs

and we got 62 million
dollars in the bank?

We don't want Mr. Drysdale
to find out what we's doing.

Well, we better find
good-paying jobs.

Buying back them high-class clothes of
Ms. Drysdale is gonna cost us a fortune.

- Merry Christmas, everybody!
- Hush, Jethro.

- We's having trouble finding a job.
- I already got us some.

- What?
- What?

I asked the fella over where
I took Ms. Drysdale's stuff

and he said all the
department stores

hires lots of extra
folks at Christmas time.

So I just walked in
and got us all work.

Where?

The fella said you're in
what you call sales personnel.

- What about you?
- I done better than that.

I'm gonna be Santa Claus.

Ho, ho, ho! How do I sound?

Well, I'm not really Santa
Claus. I'm just Santa's helper.

I ask the little darlings what
they want for Christmas.

How'd you get a job like that?

I'm just filling in
for the regular fella.

What happened to him?

Some kid hit him in the chest with a
junior commando toy atomic bomb.

Blew his beard clear
into ladies' lingerie.

Boy, that's real fine you got
on helping Santa this way,

but ain't you kind of lean
through the middle for the job?

It's got me worried
too, Uncle Jed.

I only got three hours to
gain a hundred pounds.

I gotta start eating
right away, Granny.

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho! Who wants
to see Santa next?

Ho, ho, ho!

Jethro, I can do them ho,
ho, ho's better than you.

Let me try being Santa.

You dumb old elf.
Girls can't be Santa.

You'd look silly in a beard.

Besides, it took five pillows
and 19 helpings of Granny's grits

to get me up to size.

Ho, ho, ho!

Where did personnel
find that Santa Claus?

Goodness knows, sir. The
help shortage, you know.

The regular man is still
suffering from shell shock.

Well, Christmas
comes but once a year.

Thank goodness.

And he's not the worst, sir.

You should see
who's on counter 18.

The prices they get
for these flimsy things.

Why, a skeeter could
bite right through that.

Salesgirl. Customer here.

Quit your hollering. I...

- Ms. Drysdale.
- You. What are you doing here?

Oh, honey, you'll find out soon
enough, and that's all I can tell you now.

- You wanna buy this?
- Oh, no, I was just looking.

Oh, got your heart set
on it and you can't afford it.

Where's the manager?
I've got to get out of here.

Which way to the nearest exit?

Merry Christmas, Ms. Drysdale.

- Granny.
- Jed, Ms. Drysdale was just here.

Ms. Drysdale?

Oh, and it would have
like to broke your heart.

She was admiring something I
know she didn't have the money for.

- Well, you should have give it to her.
- I did, and two more besides.

Good. How you doing here?

Well, I ain't exactly
setting the woods on fire.

- What have you sold?
- Nothing.

But, then, this ain't my kind
of stuff. What are you selling?

Shotguns and rifles,
over in sporting goods.

Now there's something I could
do business with. Let's trade.

I don't know, Granny.
What are you selling here?

Oh, all kinds of things.

- Well...
- You have to do better than me.

All right.

Now, look, fellas,

I know you're all wanting Santa to bring
you the X-89 Super Missile Launcher,

but if I was you, I'd ask for the
sure-fire plastic aircraft carrier.

It's cheaper and a lot more fun.

I know. I got one.

Excuse me. Are you a manager?

- Oh, yes, ma'am. May I help you?
- It's about your Santa Claus.

Oh, dear. Now, now, now, if
there's been any problem...

You see, he's just part
time. Our regular one...

I wanted to thank you for him.

I've never seen anyone with
such rapport with children.

Why, it's just as though he
had the mind of a seven-year-old.

Well, you may be
closer than you think.

Listen close. I got
another tip for you.

You know them socks you hang
over the fireplace on Christmas Eve?

Yeah.

That Santa fills with
fruit and candy and stuff?

Yeah.

Well, this Christmas, have your
ma make you up a sock like mine,

I mean like my
friend, Jethro Bodine.

Then what you get, if you eat slow,
will last you clean through till Easter.

Mr. Van Hook, I think
you'd better come quick.

It's the new salesman
on counter 18.

Hold it. A salesman in
negligees and nightgowns?

Don't knock it. He just sold out
the entire stock in 20 minutes.

Well, how did you do it?

I've never heard of anyone
moving merchandise like this before.

Oh, shucks, ain't nothing to
it when you're giving it away.

What? You gave it all away?

It is Christmas.

Besides, I was just too embarrassed
to try and sell them flimsies and the like.

- You're going to pay for this.
- Oh, I plan to.

You just call the Commerce
Bank. They'll tell you I'm good for it.

But don't say nothing
to Mr. Drysdale.

We're doing all this
to surprise his wife.

What a salesman,
huh, Mr. Van Hook?

Tate, if you don't shut up,

I'll have you pounding a
beat in the bargain basement.

Chief, your wife's on the phone.

- Tell her I'm at the North Pole.
- I think you'd better talk to her.

- She's calling from the city jail.
- Where?

She was picked up for shoplifting
at Wrigley's Department Store.

What?

They caught her walking out
with three nightgowns in her purse.

You'll have to quit now. Mr. and
Ms. Drysdale's on their way over.

Has Jethro got all Ms.
Drysdale's clothes ready?

Oh, yeah, he must have six bags
of Christmas packages up there.

I still can't understand why they were
selling all of her nice things so cheap.

It's a good thing they was

or we wouldn't have had
the money to buy 'em all back.

Oh, is she gonna be surprised!

I just can't help it.

I can't spend Christmas
at the Clampetts'.

Would you rather
spend it at the jail?

You were released in
my custody, remember?

And the Clampetts say
they have a surprise for you.

Oh, very well.

Come in, come in.
Season's greetings.

- What a beautiful tree, Granny.
- Merry Christmas!

Directly we're going into the fancy
eating room and have our turkey,

but first Santa Claus has got
something for you, Ms. Drysdale.

Come on.

OK, Santa, you
can come down now!

Ho, ho, ho!

That's as far as I
can go, Uncle Jed.

Ms. Drysdale, I'm afraid Santa's
gonna be a little late this year.

I bet she can wait if it means
getting a pair of seersucker socks.

While Jethro... I mean Santa's
climbing out, we might as well eat.

There's one little
thing first, Elly.

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ And a happy New Year ♪

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

This has been a
Filmways presentation.