The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Gloria Swanson Story - full transcript

Gloria Swanson and Drysdale are doing some business which involves her selling her house and some of her possessions and donating the proceeds to charity and she's moving East. When the Clampetts read about her moving away,Jethro who heard a story that she's auctioning of her things think that she's broke and that she's being forced to sell her possessions Granny being a big fan is heart broken. They go to see her and try to life up her spirits by saying they like her movies and that they're still being shown in their hometown. Jed decides to ask Chapman to make a silent movie with Swanson in it.

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was shooting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is ♪
Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

That's all I need, Elly. Thanks.

Well, can I go along
and help you fling papers?

No, Elly, you see, this is
my first day on the route

and I gotta make sure that every paper
lands right square on the front porch.

Paw, Jethro won't
let me go with him.

Well, now, Elly, this is the
boy's first big important job.

Ain't he just a paper boy?

Oh, no, Granny.

He's what you call a Deputy
District Circulation Chief

in Charge of Home Distribution.

Well, Jethro, you're a working
man now. Make us proud of you.

Always remember, a job worth
doing is worth two in the bush.

Yes, ma'am.

- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

Oh, I should've asked him would
he be home for noon victuals.

I wouldn't count on it, Granny.

Getting the paper up to some
of these Beverly Hills houses

is a ten-minute
walk from the street.

Well, not for Jethro.

He's got his papers fixed
for long-distance flinging.

What d'you mean?

Wrapped them around
these here big rocks.

Why, he can sail 'em a mile.

Where'd he get
these roofing slates?

A whole bunch of 'em fell
off of Mr. Drysdale's roof.

- By theirselves?
- Yes, sir.

All Jethro done was loosen 'em.

That'd give a paper a heap of
carry all right. Hope the boy's careful.

It sure is good to
have Jethro working.

Leastways we know he
ain't getting into trouble.

Ah, well, we can hope.

Ain't that Glory Swanson?

- Appears to be.
- I wanna cut that out for my scrapbook.

Granny, you must have 400
pictures of Glory Swanson.

Well, she's my favorite movie
star. What does it say about her?

JED: Says here they're
gonna demolish her home.

What are they doing that for?

According to this, they is gonna
turn her estate into a golf course.

For that they're turning Glory
Swanson out of her house?

Not only out of her house
but clean out of town.

Says here she's
going back east to live.

You mean she ain't gonna make
no more pictures with Wally Reid?

Kind of looks that way.

Why, without Glory Swanson's pictures,
the movie theatre back home'll close up.

What could have struck her
down at the peak of her career?

Well, let's ask Jethro
when he gets home.

- Jethro?
- Yeah, he ought to know.

He's a newspaper man now.

Good morning, chief.

Miss Hathaway, have you let it slip
out that I'm behind this golf course deal?

Well, certainly not.
Why do you ask?

Somebody threw this through my
window this morning with a rock inside it.

[PHONE RINGS]

Mr. Drysdale's office.

Who's calling, please?

One moment.

Chief, there's a
Mr. Miller on the phone

who says he's associated with
you in the golf course venture.

Hello, Jack. How's it going?

What? This morning?

I'll call you back.

Chief, what is it?

The same thing happened to him.

This paper, tied around a rock,
through the wall of his bedroom.

Apparently you've angered
one of Miss Swanson's loyal fans.

There has never been
a movie star so idolized.

- She's a living legend.
- I'm not hurting Gloria Swanson.

She wants to move out
of that huge mansion.

Yes, but to millions of her
fans you're demolishing a shrine.

And then to read that all
of her priceless possessions

are to be sold at auction...

That's her idea too.

Yes, but you can see how it
might set off an eccentric fan.

You think her
fans are eccentric?

What do you think Miss Swanson
intends to do with the money?

- What?
- Donate it to the Actors' Relief Fund.

She's giving it away. How's
that for having a screw loose?

I think it's a
magnificent gesture.

When she could put it in
my bank and collect interest?

What kind of sickness is this?
What's happening to our moral values?

Chief, Miss Swanson
is a very wealthy woman.

She doesn't need the money.

What are you,
some kind of radical?

If you wanna do
something, call the police.

Let them find out who's
throwing rocks at us good guys.

Well, I got all the papers
delivered. Got this extra left over.

Well, thank you,
Jethro. We got one.

OK.

[CRASHING]

Well, you can stop worrying
about pruning that eucalyptus tree.

I see you're reading
about Glory Swanson.

- She's on my paper route.
- She is?

- Yeah.
- She lives around here, does she?

Mm-hm. If she had
hogs, we could call 'em.

- Did you see her?
- Purt near.

Took the paper up to give it to
her in person, but she was too busy.

- They was getting ready for a auction.
- Auction?

Yeah. Tells all
about it in the papers.

They's fixing to sell up
everything on the place.

Well, Granny, I didn't
wanna read you that part

'cause I know how it
gloomed you up back home

when the sheriff put some poor
soul's belongings under the hammer.

To think that this could
happen to Glory Swanson.

One day she's
queen of the movies

and the next day they're
throwing her out in the street.

Granny's always felt special
close to Glory Swanson.

We's look-alikes, you know.

You and Glory
Swanson? Look-alikes?

If I've heard it once, I've
heard it a hundred times.

Is she kidding, Uncle Jed?

No. I've heard it a
hundred times myself.

Course, it was always
Granny that said it.

- Come on, Jed.
- Where you going, Granny?

To Glory Swanson's
house to hold off the sheriff.

Ain't nobody gonna
push around my look-alike.

That makes a hundred and one.

Hold on there!

Elly May! Fetch your
Granny back in here.

ELLY: Yes, sir, Paw.

Put me down!

Jed, are you gonna turn your back on
Glory Swanson just when she needs us?

Course not, but we ain't
gonna go charging up there

like a bunch of bounty hunters.

Now, everybody get in your Sunday
best, so when Miss Swanson sees us,

she'll know we're
Beverly Hills neighbors.

Jethro, you look mighty nice in
that stiff collar Granny dug up for you.

It's good for his spirits too, Jed.
He's holding his head up so proud.

It ain't pride, Granny.

If I put my head down,
this thing'll cut my throat.

Do you reckon Glory Swanson'll
ask us to stay for victuals?

I hope not. If I try to chew in this
thing, I'm gonna do a lot of bleeding.

Don't worry, Jethro.

Ain't likely that a woman
facing a sheriff's sale

would find the time or
means to feed strangers.

We ought to be
fetching victuals to her.

I wish you'd have let me fix
that possum like I wanted to.

Just wasn't time, Granny.

We wouldn't wanna be showing
up at Glory Swanson's house

with a half-baked possum.

Yonder's her house.

Hot dog! We's gonna see
a real for sure movie star.

The greatest, Elly.
The queen herself.

The most beautiful, glamorous
sireen to ever make a movie.

Yes'm.

We's look-alikes, you know.

BOTH: One hundred and two.

- This cleans out the library.
- All right, fine.

Oh, this group has been catalogued,
so you can start putting it on the truck.

How about this here chandelier?

Yeah, it... it goes too.

I guess that's about everything
except that gold bathtub upstairs.

But I thought Miss Swanson
didn't wanna sell that.

She doesn't. I'm
gonna talk her into it.

That one tub will bring more at auction
than a whole truckload of this stuff.

- Howdy, sir. I wonder if we could...
- Coming through, please.

Yes, sir. I wonder if we could
see Miss Glory Swanson.

- We is...
- OK, watch your step.

Well, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Would you look at this.

ELLY: It's like a palace.

Yeah. More than twice
the size of our place.

Course it is. This is the
home of a movie star.

Yeah. I ain't nothing but a plain,
scrubby old everyday millionaire.

Hey, lookee here.

[GASPS] Ain't she beautiful?

- She is for a fact.
- You notice how our eyes is alike?

Yeah, you both got two.

Granny, come here and sit down
and remember where you are.

Just a minute. Who...
Who are you people?

We is the Clampetts.

And we is true, loyal
friends of Glory Swanson.

- You're kidding?
- That surprises you, don't it?

Yes, it certainly does.

Looks like everybody but us
has turned their backs on her.

She's got lots of friends back
in the hills where we come from.

Swell. Oh, OK,
fellas, take the sofa.

Hold on! Where
are you taking this?

- To the auction.
- Oh, no. Quick, young 'uns.

You ain't taking
this without us.

All right, fellas,
move the chairs first.

Now, look here, I'm
getting a little fed up with...

Excuse me, mister, but
couldn't you leave something?

No, sir. Every single thing in this
house is going to be auctioned off.

- All right, fellas, take the sofa.
- Ah, Jed, help!

GLORIA: Put her down.

What is going on?
Who are those people?

They're fans of yours from
back in the hills somewhere.

Oh, and they don't like the idea of
your furniture being auctioned off.

How sweet. I'm very touched.

Well, the fellas know
how to get rid of 'em.

No, no. Please, I want to talk to
them. I'll see you when you come back.

Well, I have to make another trip
anyway to pick up the gold bathtub.

Mr. Foley, I want to take
that tub back east with me.

It'll remind me of those
crazy, wonderful '20s.

But I can auction it off for a
lot of crazy, wonderful money.

Remember, this is for charity.

I'll donate something else.

Please let me keep my bathtub.

No, I'm afraid not. That tub
is going on the auction block.

Young fella, ain't
there no limit to you?

- Let the lady keep her bathtub.
- Well...

- Now, now, look here, old timer.
- Mr. Foley.

You and I'll discuss this
when you come back.

All right. But I'm telling you
right now, I'm going to get that tub.

Villain.

- Come on, fellas.
- Do we know one another?

Oh, sure. You're Glory Swanson.

Yes.

- And... And who are you?
- Well, I'm...

Uh... Clampett.

Yeah, that's it, Jed Clampett.

I'm pleased to meet you,
Mr. Clampett. And this is your family?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Well, I... I'm sorry that I... I
can't offer you any refreshments.

There's nothing
left in the kitchen.

They've even taken my
stove and my refrigerator.

And now they want your bathtub.

Miss Swanson, I... I just
don't know what to say.

Well, I'd like to meet your family.
I... I don't see many fans these days.

Well, yes, ma'am.

Miss Swanson, this
here is my kinfolks.

- My daughter, Elly.
- Howdy.

- How do you do, Elly?
- And my nephew, Jethro.

- Howdy.
- Jethro.

And this here is...
is... This is Granny.

I reckon you ain't got a greater
fan in the whole world than her,

less'n it's me.

We's look-alikes, you know.

Yes, yes, I can see
the resemblance.

Hear that?

Won't you sit down?

Well, thank you, Miss Swanson,
but we've took up enough of your time.

We'll be moseying on.

Oh, Jed, I wanna
ask Miss Swanson

when she's gonna make another
picture like Society Scandal.

Oh, Society Scandal.

- You remember that one?
- Yeah.

Jed and me seen it twice.

Well, that was a long time ago.

Oh, yes, clean last summer.

Last summer?

You two attended the
silent film festival in Venice?

No, ma'am. We seen it at the
Bijou Theater back in Bug Tussle.

Bug Tussle?

- Yes, ma'am.
- My cousin Pearl plays piano there.

They're still showing
my silent films.

You betcha.

Miss Swanson, don't judge the whole
country by these fickle Hollywood folks.

Back home you is the
queen of the movies,

you always have been
and you always will be.

How wonderful.

When are you gonna
give us some more zingers,

like Gilded Cage, Male
and Female, Manhandled?

I'm afraid I'll never make
movies like those again.

- Now, don't say that.
- Sure you will.

Take my word for it, that golden
era of filmmaking is gone forever.

- No.
- Now, Granny.

Miss Swanson, we'll
be running along.

Now, you get your
feathers up out of the dust.

I got a feeling things
is gonna change.

Miss Swanson, before we
go, can I have a picture of you?

You certainly could, but,
I'm sorry, I don't have any.

Oh, well, how
about this one here?

Jethro, put that down.

You can't take her painting.

I wish I could give it to you,

but it has to go on the auction
block with everything else.

The money is badly needed.

I... I think we'd
best get out of here.

Oh, look there.

Isn't he precious?

How is my beautiful pussycat?

Do you know that I used
to have six of these? Yes.

I bet she wasn't
bothered much with mice.

Come on.

- Bye, Miss Swanson.
- Goodbye, Miss Swanson.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

It's been so nice
visiting with you.

Oh, excuse me, Miss Swanson. I
found this in one of your armoires.

I'll just catalog it for sale and put
it with the rest of the things, hmm?

Oh, no, no. It's the only
warm thing I have left.

I'll need it for those
cold winters ahead.

Well, all right. I guess we
have to leave you something.

Did you see that coat?

I reckon that explains what
happened to them other five cats.

- It's awful.
- Poor woman.

She's really hard up, ain't she?

She is for a fact.

It's bad enough having
to sell her bathtub.

But when it comes to
skinning her cats for clothes...

Doggone it, you got to
admire that Glory Swanson.

Hollywood has turned its back on
her, they's tearing down her house,

her furniture is going
under the hammer,

before long she won't
have a tub to wash in,

and she still carries
herself like a queen.

What can we do to help her, Paw?

Why don't we just haul off and
settle about 10 or 12 million on her?

No, Jethro, we don't
wanna rob her of her pride.

Well, we could go to the
auction and buy everything.

That wouldn't do no good.
The sheriff gets the money.

How come she don't
make no more movies?

Well, Jethro, I understand
that's the show business.

One day you're
living high on the hog.

Next day you're down
to wearing a catskin coat.

Jed, you own a movie studio.
You have her make a picture.

Granny, I generally leave all
that movie stuff to Mr. Chapman.

But it would be nice if she
could earn the money she needs.

You tell Mr. Chapman to
get a hold of Thomas Meighan

or Wally Reid or Rod La Rocque,

and turn out another blockbuster
like The Wages of Virtue.

That was a good 'un all right.

When it played the Bijou,

folks was lined up clean
back to the livery stables.

Head for the movie
studio, Jethro.

I got to go home and
change this collar first.

This thing's peeling
my Adam's apple.

We ain't got time.

That poor woman is
down to her last pussycat.

Give us another good cold
snap, she'll be wearing him too.

- JED: We're looking for Mr. Chapman.
- He's on Stage 7.

First one on your right!

[MAN YELLS]

[HORN BLARES]

♪ I'm the Sheikh of Araby...

♪ Your love belongs to me ♪

What have you done to your hair?

I touched up the
premature gray spots.

I'm going to knock Gloria Swanson
right off her million-dollar pins.

- ♪ I'm the Sheikh of Ara...
- Chief, chief.

I gotta make sure
she goes for my idea.

Drysdale-Swanson Enterprises
announce Dryswan Country Club.

OK, OK, OK.

Swanson-Drysdale Enterprises
present Swandale Country Club.

Do you think she'll buy that?

Why not ask her?
She's in your office.

Huh? Oh, oh.

Miss Dryswan...
Swansdale... Swanson.

- I'm Milburn Drysdale.
- Oh, Mr. Drysdale.

You're a much younger
man than I expected.

Really?

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh. Isn't this smog terrible?

Yes. It gets on everything.

Uh, well, Miss Swanson, we
have a little business to discuss.

Now, if you'll step over here.

I have an artist's conception of how
your estate will look as a golf course.

Now, while you're looking at that, I'll
read you some estimated profit figures.

MAN: Don't tell me he's
too busy! This is important!

What's the meaning
of this, Chapman?

Those kooky hillbill...

- What happened to your hair?
- What happened to yours?

Those kooky hillbillies of
yours wanna make a movie.

- So make it.
- Without sound?

I don't care if it's
without film. Make it.

But those idiots want
to star Gloria Swanson.

That's the way I
feel about it too.

There were a lot of crazy ideas in
my day, but this is raving madness.

- And this is Gloria Swanson.
- How do you do? Now...

Gloria Swanson?

Miss Swanson, this is Larry Chapman,
head of Mammoth Studios, until now.

How do you do?

Did I hear you say that somebody wanted
to make a silent motion picture with me?

An eccentric hillbilly
family named Clampett.

They've got a lot of millions.

Kind of short on marbles.

I met the Clampetts. I think
they're delightful people.

Oh, boy, this is
just not my day.

Miss Swanson, I think
it's a marvelous idea

for you to make a
picture for the Clampetts.

Milburn, be practical.

Where would you show
a silent movie these days?

How about the Bijou
Theater in Bug Tussle?

How soon do we
get in there, Jed?

Well, just a couple of minutes
and the first running will be over.

Then all you folks can
pay your 20 cents and go in.

20 cents?

Well, you see, all the money goes
for Miss Swanson's favorite charity,

so we doubled the price.

Is Glory Swanson
really in there in person?

You bet she is, sitting
right in the front row.

- ALL: Oh!
- Shh.

Now, y'all... y'all be
just as quiet as you can

because Passion's Plaything is
coming to what they call the climax.

[PIANO SOUNDTRACK]

How's the crowd?

Lined up clean
past the livery stable.

It's bigger than The
Wages of Virtue.

It is for a fact.

MAN: Shh! Shh!

[APPLAUSE]

Now, folks, there's gonna
be just a little more delay.

Them people in there just won't
leave till they see the movie again.

ALL: Oh!

While that's going on,

Miss Glory Swanson is gonna autograph
a picture for each and every one of you.

[CHEERING]

Miss Swanson, you're the biggest
thing that ever happened to Bug Tussle.

Bug Tussle is the nicest
thing that ever happened to me.

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.