The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 4, Episode 6 - The Possum Parade - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Good morning, Your
Royal Majesty, ma'am.

Jed, don't you go to jinxing me.

I ain't queen yet.

Granny, you got this
election in your pocket.

Mrs. Drysdale ain't
even putting up a scrap.

And that's what's got me
wondering what she's up to.

Do you reckon that she's
gonna pull out of the race?

That ain't likely.

Mrs. Drysdale sets
a great story by being

a society leader
of Beverly Hills.

You know she ain't
gonna turn down a chance

to be Possum Queen.

That's true.

But then why is she laying back?

In politics, you never know.

Jed, do you think she's planning

to come out at the last
minute with a smear campaign?

Ain't nothing she
can dig up agin you.

Is there?

Jed, the road of life
is long and rocky,

and when you've walked
as many miles as I have,

you're... you're
likely to stumble

a time or two.

Well, I reckon your
slate's as clean as any.

Granny, Jethro and me's got

some more election
posters ready for you.

Well, give them to my
campaign manager here.

I can't stand it no longer.

I got to peek through the hedge

and see what Mrs.
Drysdale's up to.

She ain't up to nothing.

We could've told her that.

Well, let me see the posters.

Maybe we can stir up something.

"Granny, the possum's choice."

"Vote the Granny ticket."

"Granny will cut taxes."

Granny will cut taxes?

Yes, sir. That's a real
popular campaign promise.

Everybody from mayor to
president makes that one.

Yeah, but Granny ain't...

Well, I reckon she can
keep it about as good

as the others have.

We got some more, too, Pa.

Where do you want them?

I want them where Mrs.
Drysdale is sure to see them.

Wednesday is Possum
Day, and there still

ain't no sign of her campaign.

Ain't no sign of
Possum Day, neither.

What do you mean?

Well, Elly and me's
been all over Beverly Hills.

It don't look like they's
getting ready for no festival.

No parades or nothing.

We ought to have gone
back home like we started to.

Yeah, instead of letting
Mr. Drysdale talk us out of it.

Yeah, we could have...
Now, now, young'uns.

Mr. Drysdale promised
us a bigger to-do

than the one back home.

And he is a man of his word.

Chief, why did you lie to them?

I did not lie to them.

But you promised them
that Beverly Hills would

put on a fabulous
Possum Festival.

No, I did not.

I promised them
you would put it on.

Now, it's up to you to
see that I keep my word.

But-but there's nothing I can do

without the official
approval of the city.

I told you how to get
that: threaten them.

Tell the mayor and the council
that unless they cooperate,

I'll move my bank and the
Clampetts out of Beverly Hills.

I did.

I'll bet that got some action.

Yes, they stood and
applauded for five minutes.

Okay, that's their last chance.

We're taking your Possum
Festival to another city.

You've already been turned
down by Pasadena, Santa Ana,

Azusa, Cucamonga...
All right, all right.

Chief, I implore you,
before it's too late,

let's put the Clampetts
on a plane for home.

Home?

It's the only place
in the civilized world

where Possum Day is celebrated.

Well, I'm gonna change that.

There must be plenty of
communities around here

that would jump
at that opportunity.

Now, let's see.

Ah, here's one
right on the coast.

Possum Beach!

That's Pismo Beach.

So it is.

Well, maybe they'll change it.

Granny'd like that.

And that's another thing.

Granny thinks she's running

for Possum Queen
against your wife.

So?

So, your wife doesn't
even know about it.

And-and Granny keeps wondering

when she's gonna
start her campaign.

She's going to start her
campaign this morning.

She is?

Yes.

She doesn't know it, but she is.

Milburn, I still
don't understand.

Why this sudden
impulse to take me driving

in the middle of the morning?

Because I've been
neglecting you, Margaret.

Besides, when a man
has a beautiful wife,

he likes to show her off.

Too bad it's taken you
20 years to get around to it.

Isn't my wife
radiant this morning?

Indeed she is.

Happy, dear?

Well, I suppose so.

But aren't you neglecting
things at your precious bank?

Not at all.

I can dictate as we're driving.

Let's swing by
the Clampett place.

Oh, Milburn, whatever for?

I want to show those peasants
what real class looks like.

How long we supposed
to wait out here?

All Mr. Drysdale said
was to go out front.

There was something
coming by we ought to see.

Well, he'd better hurry...

Yonder comes the limousine.

What's that sign on the front?

It says "Vote for Maggie."

She's come out
in the open at last!

That big one on the side.

- She's campaigning for real now.
- Good!

I don't want no shoo-in.

"Down with Granny"?!

Why, you... What a
disgusting exhibition.

What's that, dear?

Granny is running behind.

She probably thinks she
can beat you to the corner.

Beat me? In a limousine?

How utterly absurd.

Better circle the block.

She'll follow us
clear into town.

That woman is a
disgrace to Beverly Hills.

She and her entire family
should be run out of town.

Did you notice that sign
on the front of the mansion?

"Granny for Possum Queen"?

What a revolting idea.

Keep talking, dear.

Why doesn't that
stupid woman give up?

Hey, what's all the
commotion out here, Pa?

Mrs. Drysdale has
finally come out swinging.

Them signs you
put up done the trick.

We ain't put 'em up yet.

Well, then don't, because
this campaign already stands

to be a rip-snortin',
back-bitin', name-callin',

- mud-slingin'...
- Hey, looky yonder.

Granny's picked up speed.

I'll learn you to smear
me, you fat, old frump!

Come back here and
face me, you coward!

Campaign sure is
under way, all right.

Yeah, I ain't never seen
Granny look so mad.

You're wrong, Elly... You
never seen her so happy.

Come back here and
face me, you coward!

Right in here, Jethro. Easy now.

Hey, she is really bushed.

She was holding her own
the first two or three miles.

I think she'd have caught
the car if she hadn't tripped.

Sure. I reckon you'd best
tote her right on up to her room.

Ah, you don't!

I got a campaign to run.

Granny, I think you done
enough running for a while.

I declare, you look like
the last prune in the box.

I'll be all right.

Get me out of this thing.

All right.

I'm all right.

And now that Mrs. Drysdale
has showed her hand,

we got to swing into action.

Elly, you go and
put on a pretty dress

and commence
passing my vote-getters

- around house to house!
- Yes'm, Granny.

- Vote-getters?
- Yes, Jed, it's a gift package.

A little sample of my lye soap,

some candied crawdads,
couple of molasses cookies,

and for them voters
that's on the fence,

a little snort of my
friendly persuader.

That ought to knock
'em off the fence.

I never could afford
a campaign like this

when I was running
for Queen back home.

I know.

Politics is a rich man's game.

True.

Jethro, you get busy and
start making me some signs

mean-mouthin' Mrs. Drysdale.

Well, how far you
want to go, Granny?

Call her anything
you can think of.

Remember what William
Jennings Bryan said?

"Fight hard, but fight clean."

Well, you ain't
fighting clean, Granny.

Course I ain't!

William Jennings
Bryan was a loser.

Uncle Jed, can't
Granny get arrested

if she goes to calling
Mrs. Drysdale names?

No, boy. That's the
beauty of politics.

You can do it legal and
get cheered in the bargain.

Granny is running behind.

Well, she probably thinks

she can beat you to the corner.

Beat me? In a limousine?

How utterly absurd.

Better circle the block.

She'll follow us
clear into town.

That little woman is a
disgrace to Beverly Hills.

She and her entire family
should be run out of town.

I told you I'd get
Margaret's campaign going.

Call the radio station
and buy some time.

For this?

Well, with a little editing
and the proper questions,

this can make a very
explosive interview.

It might even get Margaret
elected Possum Queen.

You are a victim
of self-hypnosis.

There is not going to
be a Possum Queen

or a Possum Festival or a Possum
Parade or a possum anything!

You haven't taken
care of those details?

- Oh! What's the use?
- All right, all right.

Don't get hysterical.

I'll pull this out
of the fire for you.

When I get through
at the radio station,

I'll pick out the spot
for the celebration.

Let's see: Seal Beach,

Costa Mesa, Dana
Point, San Clemente...

Oh, I'm going to make one
of these little communities

world famous as the home of
the International Possum Festival.

Oh, uh, I'll need
to borrow your car.

What for?

Just... fly out the window.

Elly, you don't give these out

to nobody under
votin' age, do you?

No, ma'am, Granny.

Good.

First batch went
over pretty well, did it?

Well, it kind of depended
on who come to the door.

If it was a man, we
generally hit it off just dandy.

Some of 'em didn't
want me to leave.

- Real interested, was they?
- Yes, ma'am.

Couple of 'em said come over
later and have supper with 'em.

Well, if I can find
the time, I'll go.

Granny, how's this for
a mean-mouthin' sign?

Well, that's the right idea.

But it could be a mite stronger.

Well, look at this side.

That's better!

Granny, Mr. Drysdale
said there's a radio program

coming on that he
wants us to hear.

Right here's
where it's comin' on.

This is KBH, the
Voice of Beverly Hills.

The following is a paid
political announcement

by the Margaret Drysdale
for Possum Queen Committee.

Mrs. Drysdale, how do you
think the campaign is going?

Granny is running behind.

You think she has a
chance to beat you?

Beat me? How utterly absurd.

How do you feel about
your opponent personally?

That little woman is a
disgrace to Beverly Hills.

She and her entire family
should be run out of town.

By doggies, that's hittin' low.

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

I'm sure those words

are spoken only in the
heat of a political battle.

When the election is over, you
will probably be good friends.

What a revolting idea!

Well, thank you, Mrs. Drysdale.

Why doesn't that
stupid woman give up?

Thank you, Mrs. Drysdale.

What a disgusting exhibition!

Thank you, Mrs. Drysdale.

We now return you to our
regularly scheduled programming.

Now, Granny, don't cut
loose in front of the young'uns.

Go in the pantry first
and let off some steam.

Uh-oh, fetch her back, Jethro.

I'm sorry, Granny,
but there's a limit,

even in politics.

Are you sure my husband said
he wanted to go for another drive?

Yes, madam. We're
to pick him up in town.

Well, I'm glad
he's finally realized

what a great social
asset I am to him.

Yes, madam.

Come on, Elly! Come on!

Just wanted to make sure
I had all the vote-getters.

All right, get up here
in the back, honey,

- so you can hand them out.
- Yes, Granny.

Duke!

Go round the neighborhood,
now, and give everybody a look.

Ready when you are,
Mr. Campaign Manager.

Right to the
middle of town, boy.

While Duke is getting
the neighborhood vote,

we'll go after the
man in the street.

- Yes, sir!
- Put the needle on, Granny.

Let 'er roll, boy!

Here she is, folks,

the next Possum
Queen of Beverly Hills!

Now, remember
to vote for Granny!

You call that campaignin'?

Give me that thing!

Margaret Drysdale ain't nothin'
but a snooty old bag of wind!

Anybody that'd vote
for her would suck eggs!

What's the latest?

Mr. Drysdale found a spot
for the Possum Festival?

Not yet. So far he's bombed
all the way down the coast.

Last report has him headed
for San Juan Capistrano.

Mr. Drysdale's office.

Chief! Where are you?

San Diego?

Well, wh-what
happened in San Juan...

Oh, really?

Well, they do have a point.

It just doesn't
sound as romantic.

"When the possums
return to Capistrano"?

Chief, Chief, why-why don't
you give up and come back?

Tell the Clampetts
the truth and admit...

All right, all right.

You're the boss.

He's confident he can
sell the Possum Festival

to the next town.

If he doesn't, he'll just
about have to come back.

He's almost to the border.

Mr. Mayor... members
of the City Council...

amigos...

I propose to make
your little village famous

as the home of the
International Possum Festival.

We're going to have
a big celebration.

Parade, Possum Queen...
How does that sound?

Oh, I... I see you're
very interested

in that beautiful
red convertible.

Well, I tell you what, if you'll
have the Possum Festival here,

you can drive that
car in the parade.

That car... you... drive?

Ah!

What'd he say?

Now, wait a minute!

Wait a minute! Not now!

I meant at the Possum Festival!

Come back!

Perkins, this is
getting ridiculous.

We've covered every foot
of Beverly Hills three times.

I'm sorry, madam, but
I just can't remember

the corner where Mr. Drysdale
said he would meet us.

He's probably back
at the bank by now.

Take me there immediately.

People are beginning to
stare and point and even laugh.

Miss Hathaway, Miss Hathaway...

I'm sorry, Janet, there
is no further news.

Ever since the chief
crossed the border,

a curtain of silence
has descended.

Well, there's plenty
of noise around here.

The Clampetts are
circling the block

in Granny's campaign truck.

They're announcing
a big political rally

- in the bank parking lot.
- Oh, dear.

Well, let's get down there
and see what we can do.

Gather round, folks!

Granny's gonna discuss
the issues of this campaign.

You're gonna hear
some real name-callin'

and mud-slingin'!

Granny.

Now, after the speech-makin',

for them voters
that's still undecided,

my daughter is
gonna pass among you

with some, uh,
friendly persuaders.

Now, we're gonna
start off the rally

by singin' Granny's
campaign song.

Put the needle on.

♪ Here's your choice
for Possum Queen ♪

♪ Granny! Granny! ♪

♪ She don't ride no limousine ♪

♪ Granny all the way ♪

♪ Vote her in to stay... ♪

Hey, lady, what's
this all about?

Oh, probably one of those
hidden camera shows.

Oh!

And now, folks, here she is,

the next Possum
Queen of Beverly Hills,

Granny!

Fella citizens,
I'm gonna tell you

about the woman
that's runnin' agin me

in this election!

She has the brain
of a chicken...

the disposition
of a alligator...

and the figure of
an overstuffed silo!

Folks, uh...

what the candidate
is hintin' at, uh,

well, as you know, the Queen
gets her weight in possums.

Well, Granny here don't
weigh seven stones soppin' wet,

but in order to balance
off Mrs. Drysdale,

it's gonna take 30 or
40 good-sized possum.

And where's them extra
possums comin' from?

From your own backyards!

Yonder she comes!

Saggy Maggie!

What is this
outrageous spectacle?!

Look what she's
got writ on her car!

"The Next Possum Queen"!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Look at her run!

She knows when she's whipped!

- Morning, Miss Hathaway.
- Good morning, Joe.

Oh, dear, still not back.

Good morning, Miss
Hathaway. Happy Possum Day!

That is not funny, Miss Trego.

I was just about to call the
Missing Persons Bureau.

- You mean Mr. Drysdale is still...
- Not a trace!

I didn't sleep a
wink last night.

Neither did I.

Chief!

- What happened?
- Where have you been?

Riding a burro across Mexico.

Well, what about my car?

Just a little misunderstanding.

I got it back this morning.

But... there isn't going to
be any Possum Festival!

I was even turned
down by Death Valley.

Oh, I should have listened
to you, Miss Hathaway.

I never should have
lied to the Clampetts.

It was just my foolish pride.

Now, now, now, we'll take you
home so you can get some rest.

No. No.

First I must face the
Clampetts and tell them the truth,

confess everything.

Yes, Chief.

I'm through with
dishonesty and deceit.

Yes, Chief.

Oh, what a bitter
lesson I've learned.

Granny, where are you?

In here, Jed.

Granny, we got
to get out and vote.

If it's like back home, the
polls close at 10:00 and we...

Why ain't you in
your candidate outfit?

'Cause I ain't a candidate, Jed.

I'm withdrawing in
favor of Mrs. Drysdale.

You're what?

I never knowed how
much being Possum Queen

meant to that woman.

What you mean?

Well, after I bested
her at the rally,

she went home, took to her bed,
and she's been there ever since.

It did seem to break her spirit.

I don't want
victory at that price.

Let her ride in the
parade this afternoon.

Let her get the
cheers and the glory.

It's her hometown.

Granny...

you're a little woman, but
you got a mighty big heart.

Pa, Mr. Drysdale
wants to see ya!

Hello, my friend.

What in tarnation
happened to you?

Elly, fetch my jug.

This poor man looks like he's
been drugged through a knothole.

Yes, Granny.

Speak up, Chief. Tell them.

- Well, can't I wait for the jug?
- Chief.

Well, all right.

Mr. Clampett, Granny...

I have something
terrible to tell you.

We heard about your wife,
and you can stop worrying.

Granny's pulling
out of the race.

What?

We ain't even going into
town to watch the parade.

But that's what Mr. Drysdale
has come to tell you.

Yes. You see, I...

You're positive you're
not going into town?

Positive.

I don't want to take none of the
glory away from Mrs. Drysdale.

Oh, that's a wonderful
gesture, Granny.

Of course, it's too bad you're
gonna miss that fabulous parade.

- Chief!
- It's going to be the greatest

in the history of Possum Day!

Marching bands,
floats, giant balloons,

mounted riders, clowns,

jugglers, airplanes, tanks...

and elephants!

Sorry I couldn't
find it right off.

Don't need it now, Elly.

Granny's news picked that
poor man right up off the floor.

It'll do the same
thing for his wife, too.

There's no greater honor
than being Possum Queen.

Well, Granny, there's
always next year.

Yeah, I know.

But to help me
through this year...

don't you think I
deserve a little, uh...

All right, Granny,
quick as the polls close.

Happy Possum Day!

JED and ELLY MAY:
Happy Possum Day!

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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