The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 4, Episode 32 - Jethro Goes to College - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

A speck of angel's hair.

A smidgen of wild gander's foot.

Hey, Jethro!

Doggone it, I thought
you was Granny.

I got turkey bones,
moccasin flower,

- boiled mistletoe...
- Mistletoe?!

Jethro, are you makin' up
one of Granny's love potions?

You just get on out of here!

Boy, wait till
Granny catches you!

Well, she ain't
gonna. I told her I seen

a big granddaddy carp
in the fountain at the park,

and she's out fishing fer it.

Jed?

- Give me a hand, Jed.
- Catch anything, Granny?

Yeah. Caught the
dickens from the policeman!

- What fer?
- For fishin' in the fountain in the park.

Jethro told me there was a
big granddaddy carp in there.

- A carp?
- Wait till I find that boy.

There was nothin'
in that fountain

but two puny goldfish
and 12 cents in change!

That ought to do it.

Now, measure out
one drop of spellstarter.

Heck, if one drop'll
get me one girl...

Darlin', darlin', my true love,

come a-swoopin' like a dove.

Hey, hot dog, it worked!

I conjured me up a sweetheart!

That ain't all, Charley!

Granny?! Aah!

What's goin'...
Whoa, Granny, whoa.

- Whoa, now.
- Let me go, Jed!

That girl-crazy goof
got into my potions,

- Now, Granny...
- made a love conjure!

Calm down. I'll see the
boy gets what he deserves.

I get him first; you
can have the leftovers.

Now, Granny, a hickory switch
ain't the way to handle this.

You're right. Get me
my big soap paddle.

What I mean is, no
amount of whuppin'

is gonna get
girls off his brain.

What I think he needs
is... more schoolin'.

More schoolin'?!

He's been through
the sixth grade!

How much further can he go?

- Well, there's college?
- Eh...!

I say put him to work.

'Prentice him out
as a blacksmith

or a shingle splitter.

I hear tell you can't be
a success these days

unless you got a
college education.

What can college learn him?

He already knows
how to read and write.

I know, and cipher, too.

But it ain't just the
learnin' I'm thinkin' of.

They's other things
you get at college.

Like what?

Well... like girls.

Girls?

♪♪

- Excuse me, Chief...
- Shh.

It's my new record,
Falling Coins,

recorded live at the U.S. Mint.

Mr. Clampett and
Jethro are here.

Oh! Send them in, send them in.

Gentlemen.

- Mr. Drysdale.
- Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Mr. Clampett, Jethro.
What can I do for you?

Well, we're sorry to bother you,

but we been talking
about Jethro's future.

Yes?

Well, you see, his
ma, my cousin Pearl,

always wanted him
to amount to somethin',

you know, get
hisself a good job,

like, uh, president of a bank.

Well, how about making
him a vice president?

We'll give you a nice big desk
with your name on the door.

Would you like that, Jethro?

Oh, well, that's dandy.

But what would I
be vice president of?

Well, let's see. Uh...

Well, if you want,
you could make him

vice president in
charge of my money.

- Your money?!
- Yeah.

He could take care of
it, loan it out, invest it.

Oh, no, no. You
see, this would...

Well, I reckon
for a job like that

he would need a
college education.

Right! Oh, that-that's true.

Oh, I would love to make
him a vice president right now,

but we have a hard-and-fast rule

that all VP's must
have a college degree.

Right, Miss Hathaway?

- Well, actually...
- Exactly.

So, the moment you graduate
and get that old sheepskin,

there'll be a job
waiting for you.

Oh, well, that's what
we come here for.

We want you to tell me
a good college to go to.

College? Oh, well, let's see.

Now... Miss Hathaway, tell
Jethro a good college to go to.

Oh, well, uh, I don't know.

I can't... offhand, I...

How about that one you went
to, that there, uh... Vassar?

Oh, Vassar? Oh, well,
there's nothing but girls there.

Hot dog! That's the one for me!

What I meant was, only
women could attend Vassar.

Aw, shucks!

Well, uh, what about
them other two colleges

you was thinking of?

Oh. Oh, yeah, uh,
Harvard and Yale.

Yeah, I reckon either
one of them would be okay.

He ain't choicy.

Oh, yes. Well, you
see, Mr. Clampett,

what I'm trying to say is...

Miss Hathaway, what
is it I'm trying to say?

Oh, well, actually, it's...

it's very close to the
end of the semester.

I-I doubt if we
could find a college

that would take Jethro
this late in the year.

Yes!

That's what I'm trying to say.

- Doggone!
- Now, hold on, boy.

Maybe we can get you into
one of them schools back home.

Home? No!

What I... what I mean is,
let's not give up so easily.

Now, this may take time,
but we'll find this boy a college.

Can I help look?

We'll all look.

We're going to find just
the right place for you.

I'll commence lookin' right now.

I'll go to UCLA,
USC, MIT, LSU, VMI.

Mmm, doggies!

It ain't enough he
ciphers like the wind,

just listen to him spell!

Well, Chief, you've
really done it this time.

Don't worry, you'll
think of something.

How could we get a boy
with a sixth grade education

into college?

It's going to take
determination,

ingenuity, salesmanship...

and a fantastic amount of money.

Really! What college
in the entire country

would corrupt its
standards to that extent

for mere financial gain?

♪♪

Dean Frisby, may I see
you a moment, please?

Class is in session,
Mrs. Pringle.

Well, it's quite important.

Very well.

Continue your business
letter practice, girls.

I'm sorry to bother
you, Dean Frisby,

but I've been going
over our accounts,

and I felt I just had to
talk with you right away.

Well?

Well, according to
my computations,

our profit-loss ratio is
weighed toward a carryover

of receivables versus
the seasonal depreciation.

Don't give me that
classroom gobbledygook.

What you're saying
is, we're broke.

Well, I didn't want
to put it so harshly.

I'm only glad that
Chancellor Frisby

isn't here to see this day.

Oh, I'm sure your husband
would approve of the fine way

you've maintained the standards
of Frisby Business College.

Well, he wouldn't approve
of our going hungry.

What we need is more
students, and quick.

Well, who'd be silly enough to
enroll so late in the semester?

Well, howdy.

The barbershop is downstairs.

No. I was driving by
and seen your sign.

I want to go to your college.

But you're a man.

Thank ya.

We couldn't enroll you.

Aw, please? You're the
12th college I been to.

- But our students...
- Uncle Jed give me tuition money.

Does that mean I'm enrolled?

- You're enrolled.
- Hot dog!

Wait till I tell my
Uncle Jed! Ha-ha!

Forgive me, Wilbur.

Morning, Elly.

Morning, Pa.

I just about got Jethro's
lunch ready, Jed.

Well, this being his
first day at college,

he might not have
time to eat a big meal.

I thought about that,

so I just put him
up a quick snack.

What's the name of
Jethro's college, Pa?

It's, uh, Frisby Business.

Frisby Business?

Yeah, I reckon they call it that

'cause they turn out
mostly executives

and vice presidents
and the like.

Well, if Jethro can go
to college, why can't I?

Well, uh, I don't think
they'd let you in, Elly.

You ain't got
what you call, uh...

the educational
background Jethro does.

Well, what if I found
one that would take me?

Well, I wouldn't
get your hopes up,

but if you find
one that'll take you,

- ain't no reason why you can't go.
- Yippee!

I'm gonna go look in the phone
book and find me a college!

Jethro ain't gonna have time
for breakfast if he don't hurry.

What's he doing
up there so long?

Well, I reckon he's slickin' up.

He spent a lot of time yesterday
shopping for college clothes.

23 skidoo!

♪♪

Ain't I the cat's meow?

Well, you look like
some kind of a critter.

Little warm in there, ain't it?

Oh, I just wear
this over to campus.

Then I wear my
letterman's sweater.

What's the "FB"
stand for? Football?

No, Frisby Business.

That what they wear over there?

Yeah. That's what all
the college fellers wear.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I seen it

in a Buster Crabbe
movie once on television.

Buster always was
a spiffy dresser.

Well, I reckon if it's
good enough for him,

it's good enough for Jethro.

I got to be going.
Don't want to be late.

Oh, uh, hold on, boy.

Jethro...

ain't nobody in our family
ever went to college before,

so Granny and me would like
to give you a little something.

Hot dog!

My very own fountain pen.

Now, boy...

you are about to
get an opportunity

that I never had, and I hope...

I hope that, uh,
you will realize

that along with this opportunity

comes new responsibilities
for a man to...

Now... your ma
and all your kinfolks

is counting on you
to do yourself proud,

'cause we know that you got
intelligence and a brain to...

Well, I... found out
how the ink comes out.

Shouldn't have pulled
this little lever up.

I'll close it.

Sorry, Uncle Jed.

Well... give it
all you got, boy.

Okay.

Uh, I won't have time to change.

I'll just keep my
coat buttoned up.

Bye.

Bye.

I found one, I found one!

A phone book?

No, a college that'll take me.

I talked to 'em and I'm gonna
get educated just like Jethro.

Well, this is it.

College of Judo and Karate.

Judo and Karate?

Well, Jethro was
reading about one called,

uh, William and Mary.

They said I could start today.

I got to go and get ready.

Jed... Yeah, Granny?

That's both young'uns
gone off to college.

Kinda chokes you up, don't it?

Students?

Before we begin, I wish to
tell you that we're expecting

a new student in
class this morning.

A somewhat, uh...
unusual student

who, uh... Howdy.

Wow!

This college is everything
I was hoping fer.

Mr. Bodine, please
find yourself a seat.

And you may take off your coat.

Oh, I'd rather not.

Very well.

Uh, students...

this morning, we will begin...

with the Frisby method

of taking short memos.

Mr. Bodine.

Oh, yes, ma'am?

Turn your chair around
and pay attention.

Students, I have
used the Frisby method

to write some words
that you will use often:

"the", "with", "that", "and".

Now, will someone
please come to the board

and try this themselves.

Mr. Bodine.

Now write "the".

T... H... E.

The.

These are both "the."

But there is one difference.

Now, what is that?

Yours is spelled wrong.

Perhaps we'd better
practice typing for a bit.

Back to your seat.

Mrs. Pringle?

Go around and
check their posture.

I want to rest a bit.

Yes, Dean.

Astounding.

He must be typing
200 words a minute.

Well.

Where did you ever
learn to type like that?

Picking cotton.

Oh, but that's
nothing but gibberish.

Well, what you mean?

You're not... you're just
hitting the keys at random,

you're not spelling words.

Words?

Oh, why didn't you say so?

I... uh, S.

Is.

Now that I've learned to type,

let's go on to something else.

Dean Frisby, perhaps Mr. Bodine

could learn, uh, to
answer the telephone.

Oh, I'm already a whiz at that.

There is a right way
and a wrong way

to answer the telephone.

Students, we will now jump ahead

to our telephone
procedure drill.

Get out your telephones.

Mr. Bodine, you will
be the calling party.

I will then connect you

with Miss Plumpett,
and she will demonstrate

the correct telephone
answering procedure.

Fletcher, Smedley,
Bacon and Barnes.

Good morning.

Whoops, I-I'm sorry.

You give me the wrong number.

That was Fletcher somebody.

Miss Plumpett was
answering correctly.

Now, shall we try it again?

And this time, will you please
stand up, Miss Plumpett.

Fletcher, Smedley,
Bacon and Barnes.

Good morning.

Well, howdy.

Are you Miss Plumpett?

Whom do you wish to speak with?

Oh, you'll do just fine.

Are there any messages?

Yeah.

Uh, what are you
doing after class?

This is ridiculous.

Why, yeah, it sure is.

Why, she's just
standing right over there.

Now, what are you
doing after class?

Mrs. Pringle, start
preparing a diploma.

Mr. Bodine is going to graduate.

Uncle Jed!

Uncle Jed, I done
graduated college.

Well, you just
started this morning.

Yeah, I know, but look at this.

What's this?

Well, that's what
you call my diploma.

Didn't Mr. Drysdale say it
was gonna be sheepskin?

Well, it's awful
good grade of paper.

Yeah, it is that.

We's mighty proud of you.

Too bad your ma couldn't
have been here for the ceremony.

I tried holding back, but they
said I was beyond teaching.

Wasn't there nothing
new they could show you?

Oh, yeah, I learned
some executive-type stuff.

Like what?

Watch.

Well?

That's it.

I learned to sit proper,

so I could be
poised and charming.

How long it take
you to learn that?

Oh, just a couple hours.

That ain't all us
college men know.

I learned how to type,
and sharpen pencils.

I'll get it.

Fletcher, Smedley,
Bacon and Barnes.

Good morning.

Jethro.

Ain't that something?

Can I take a message?

Hello? Hello?

They hung up.

Miss Hathaway, you
got me the wrong number.

That's strange.

I know I dialed Mr. Clampett.

Don't argue. Call again.

I want to tell him I
finally found a college

that will take Jethro.

Chief, you're not really
gonna send Jethro

to that Clinchville A and M?

So, what's wrong with it?

Well, it's so isolated,

stuck out there in the
middle of the desert.

So what?

They've got a beautiful campus,

new administration building,

new library, new swimming pool.

Really?

Well, h-how do you know?

Because we're
building it for them.

Uncle Jed, I almost
hated to graduate.

I was a real B.M.O.C.

A what?

Oh, that stands for
"big man on campus."

Matter of fact, I was a O.M.O.C.

"Only man on campus."

I'll get this one.

Hello?

Oh, howdy there, Mr. Drysdale.

I just wanted to tell
you that we've located

a college for Jethro.

He what?

He did?

He's already found one.

Oh, that's wonderful,
Mr. Clampett.

Now, you tell him the
moment he gets his diploma,

I am going to make
him a vice president.

Chief, what are you saying?

Well, it took Jethro 12 years

to get through the sixth grade.

College should be good for life.

Yes, Mr. Clampett?

Yes, as soon as he graduates,
you have him come in and...

He what?

He did?

Would you leave the room?

I think I'm going to cry.

Boy, best get going.

Your job's waiting for you.

Shucks, I'm almost sorry
I'm so doggone smart.

I didn't even get to
see one football game.

Jethro.

Uh, yes, sir?

Now, make us proud of you.

You are vice president
in charge of my money.

Don't worry, Uncle Jed,
when I get through handling it,

you're gonna have
a million dollars.

Jethro?

Oh, yes, sir?

I got 50 million now.

Uncle Jed, I'm a
college graduate.

You let me worry about that.

Elly May, I thought you
was off getting educated.

Who brung you home?

I walked home across the hill.

Boy, that College of Judo
and Karate ain't worth a hoot.

Why? What happened?

Well, I went in this big
room with a real thick rug

on the floor, and the teacher
come out wearing his pyjamers.

His pyjamers?

Yeah, and when I told
him I wanted to enroll,

why, he got madder than a
rattlesnake with a sore tooth.

What did he get mad about?

Well, I don't know.

He must've got out on
the wrong side of the bed.

Anyway, he commenced
shouting and chopping away at me.

Why, he even tried to trip me.

Land sakes, what did you do?

I give him what fer.

Bounced him around
that rug like a basketball.

Good for you, darlin'!

I didn't stop throwing him

till he offered to graduate me.

You graduated?

Yeah, but he didn't give
me no cap and gown.

All I got was this
skinny old black belt.

Wait till I tell your pa.

That college is gonna be
short one ornery professor.

Jed!

Hello.

I am from College
of Judo and Karate.

I wish to meet parents of
a most astonishing student,

Elly May.

Oh, you do, do you?

You sure got your nerve,

coming around
here in your pyjamas.

Beg your pardon?

You might think you
can take on the young'un,

but let's see what you
can do with Granny.

- Granny.
- Come on!

Come on, let's see
you do something.

Ah-so, you like to see karate?

Aha!

Now you've done it, you
bad-tempered goober.

Aha!

Mr. Drysdale.

What are you doing
sitting out here?

Well, it's Miss
Hathaway's lunch hour,

and somebody has
to take Jethro's calls.

Where's Jethro?

You give him your office?

Howdy, Uncle Jed.

Oh, I couldn't pick
out just one secretary,

so I hired me all the girls

at Frisby's Business College.

Now, where was I?

"Dear sir..."

Oh, yeah.

Dear sir... uh, howdy.

As vice president in charge
of my Uncle Jed's money,

I would like to
welcome you to the...

"The." T-H-E.

I would like to welcome
you to this here bank.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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