The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 4, Episode 30 - Jethro Gets Engaged - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Watching for chicken hawks?

Nope.

I'm watching for that
Hollywood movie actor

Dash Riprock.

He's coming to see Elly May.

Well, uh, you're gonna make
him feel about as welcome

as a polecat at a picnic.

Oh, it ain't loaded.

But the sight of one
of these has helped

many a boy declare
his intentions.

Granny, Dash and
Elly have had two dates.

That's what I mean.

It's high time he
declare his intentions.

I don't believe in these
long drawed-out courtships.

Ain't this the kind of
thing that scared off Dash

when he was dating Elly before.

Well, somebody's got to
look after your daughter.

Granny, this is the city.

The code of the
hills don't hold...

Yonder he comes.

Let's get out of sight.

I mean clean out of sight.

Elly, Dash Riprock's a-coming.

Jed, you take my advice.

Make that Hollywood
slicker declare his intentions

before it's too late.

She's toting a suitcase.

Maybe they's gonna run off.

Now, Granny.

Elly, uh, what are you and
Dash fixing to do today?

Well, he said we was
going to the beach

and dig for clams.

You gonna swaller that story?

Hi, Elly.

Howdy, Dash.

Hi, there, Granny, Mr. Clampett.

Howdy, Dash.

What are you and Elly
gonna do today, Dash?

We're gonna dig clams.

Fine and dandy.

All right, now young
feller, let's have the truth.

We're going to Pismo.

You see, Jed?

I told you that clam
digging was just a story.

They's going pismo-ing!

Well, if I hadn't drawed down
on him, he'd a-got away with it.

How do you pismo?

Pismo is where we dig for clams.

Pismo Beach.

Granny is just joking.

Have fun now, young'uns.

- Thank you. Bye. Bye, Granny.
- Bye.

Bye, Pa, Granny.

Now, ain't you plumb ashamed?

No, I ain't.

He's a Hollywood actor,

and I wouldn't
trust none of them

any further than I
could fling a anvil.

How soon you have to get
back to the studio, Dash?

I've got the
whole day off, Elly.

They're shooting my scenes
with a stunt double today.

Well, what's a stunt double?

Well, he's the fella
that takes my place

in the dangerous scenes.

For example, today
he's in a covered wagon

full of dynamite
when it explodes.

Then he gets swept down
a mountain in an avalanche,

and if he's still in one
piece, we've got a scene

where he rushes
into a burning cabin

to rescue the girl
and it collapses.

Well, golly, who would be
dumb enough to do that?

I don't know.

They found some nut.

Aah! Who are you?

What are you doing in my...?

Jethro!

You look like a walking rainbow.

Ain't you never seen
a movie star afore?

You?

Well, over at the movie studio,

they say I'm gonna be
twice the star Dash Riprock is.

They say I'm
gonna be his double.

You're gonna be acting
in pictures like Dash?

Instead of Dash.
Just between us,

I think they's trying
to get rid of him

'cause they's giving me all
his good scenes to do today.

They are?

Yup, I get to ride
in a covered wagon.

Fella said that scene
is just dynamite.

And then I get to ride on a
avalanche, whatever that is.

Then I get to rescue a pretty
girl from a burning cabin.

How come they picked
you to do all that?

Uncle Jed, it was like
a Hollywood fairy tale.

I was just standing
there on the set,

and this big light fell down
and hit me right on the head.

Get hurt?

I'll say. Busted
it all to pieces.

Offered to pay for it, but...

Did you get hurt?

Oh, heck, no.

Then a crowd gathered
around, and this man said,

"Hey, you're just the
fella to take Dash's place."

Reckon he seen I had
what you call star quality.

Does, uh, Dash know about this?

Oh, I don't think so.

They gave him the day off.

Well, I don't exactly cotton
to you taking Dash's job.

Oh, I don't neither, but
that's show business.

Today's star is
tomorrow's has-been.

Same thing could happen
to me, now that I'm a star.

What's gonna happen to Dash?

Oh, don't worry, Granny.

I'll see he gets took care of.

I'll make him, uh, my grip

or my hair dresser or something.

Well, make us
proud of you, Jethro.

Oh, by the way, that
ain't my name no more.

Us movie stars got to
use tough sounding names

like, uh, Biff Steele, Crunch
Hardtack or Race Burly.

You got one?

I thought myself up a dandy.

Beef Jerky.

That's tough, all
right, but I kind of have

the feeling he
could've done better.

Yeah, whatever he'd
a-thought of, it a-been food.

Yes?

A movie star to see me?

Now, look, I told Dash
Riprock to date Elly at...

Beef Jerky?!

Surprise, Mr. Drysdale.

It's me.

Jethro!

- You're...
- Beef Jerky.

I made the name
up myself. You like it?

I couldn't have done better.

Jethro, uh, I mean Beef,
wants to borrow my car

so he can arrive at
the studio in style.

You mean you're
serious about this?

Heck, yeah, I'm gonna
be the new Dash Riprock.

Wonderful.

I'll get my keys.

Uh, Dash is still
dating Elly, isn't he?

Oh, yeah. They's on their
way to Pismo Beach right now.

- Good, good.
- Boy, Mr. Drysdale,

I sure hope them pretty
girls chase after me

like they done ol' Dash.

They will.

Don't you worry, Beef.

Oh, incidentally,

I'd use that first name
whenever possible.

You don't want people
calling you Mr. Jerky.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

I don't want nobody to
think I've gone Hollywood.

Yeah.

Oh, here are my
keys, Jethro... Beef.

Thanks, I'll leave the truck
in the parking lot for you.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

Yes, it will.

I can only drive
one car at a time.

Where do you suppose
he got that wild idea?

Same place he got the clothes.

But who cares as long
as Elly May is happy?

Jethro says Dash took
her to Pismo Beach today.

Well, that's very interesting.

Oh, speaking of
Dash, Mr. Drysdale,

this is Miss Debbie Haber.

She'd like to talk
to you about him.

- Well, what can I do for you?
- You've just done it.

You've told me where
I can find the two-timer.

No, no! Wait a minute.

Now, don't get in my way.

Dash told me you started
this Elly May business.

Well, I'm going to finish it.

Now, wait, Miss Haber.

How would you like to
meet the new Dash Riprock?

Who?

Well, that big, good-looking
movie star who just left here.

You mean Tiger Boy the clown

in the five-flavor outfit?

Let me tell you about him.

No, thanks.

Dash promised me a screen test,

and he's going to come through.

This kid's uncle
owns the studio.

Really?

Well, tell me more about him.

Well, he's a nice
kid, lots of laughs...

Not him.

His uncle.

Biff Steele.

Beef Jerky.

Food deliveries
use the back gate!

Hi, Ralph.

Dash isn't working
today, Miss Haber.

Who cares? I'm
looking for Beef Jerky.

Well, you're in luck.

Some guy just brought in a load.

Why, hello.

Howdy.

Oh, I ain't Dash Riprock.

Oh, I know.

Oh, you're much
handsomer than Dash.

Aw, shucks, heck fire, gee whiz.

Ah, and a better
conversationalist, too.

Talk some more.

I just love to hear you.

- Golly willikers. Tarnation.
- Oh!

You act in the movies?

Oh, I want to.

Would you like to watch
me today and learn how?

May I?

Why, heck, yeah.

I'm gonna do some
real great scenes.

Oh, yonder comes my director.

He's the one that discovered me.

Well, I'm going
to go park my car,

and I'll meet you
right back here.

Okay.

Hot dog!

Been a star less than an hour

and already got me a girl.

Oh, Mr. Gordon, it's me.

Huh?

Oh, you're the, uh,
you're the guy that got,

uh, hit with the lamp yesterday.

You're, uh, you're, um,

uh, B-Bodine, aren't you?

I'm Jerky now.

- Worse than yesterday?
- Huh?

Bodine, go on over
to wardrobe, will you?

I'd appreciate if you called
me by my screen name,

Beef Jerky.

Beef Jerky?

Tough sounding, ain't it?

Yeah, sounds-sounds great.

You're-you're gonna
double Dash Riprock, right?

- Well, I'm gonna do my best.
- Yeah, all right.

Well, now, we're
gonna be on location,

so I'll meet you
over at the bus.

But first, the studio
doctor will examine you,

and then you'll have to sign
those release forms, right?

Then I want you to drop
in over there in wardrobe,

and pick up your crash
helmet, your chest protector,

your safety padding and
your asbestos underwear.

Well, I...

Boy, they really take care
of you when you're a star.

Well, I'm all ready.

Well, I don't know if
you's going to be able

to watch me act today.

We's going out on
what you call location.

Well, I'll be waiting for
you when you get back...

Beef.

How'd you know my name?

Oh, I know a lot about you.

Word's getting around.

- It is?
- Yes.

And I'd like to know you better.

Meet your family?

Well, all right, but
don't expect too much.

They's just a bunch
of weed-benders

from back in the hills.

They ain't
sophisticated like me.

I can't wait to meet him.

Him?

- Them.
- Oh.

Well, uh, bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

Where you been, Granny?

Out burying them
biscuits Elly baked.

Not under the elm tree, I hope.

It's pretty near dead
of cupcake poisoning.

I found another spot.

But, Jed, you have got
to get that Dash Riprock

to propose to that
girl before he finds out

what terrible things she
does in the name of cooking.

I know what you mean.

If he ever eats her vittles,

we'll never get
him to the church.

Oh, he'll get to
the church all right,

but six of his friends
will be toting him in a box.

Granny, it ain't that bad.

It's so bad Jethro won't eat it.

You can't get worse than that.

Say, uh, speaking of Jethro,

he called while you was outside.

Said he's found
hisself a sweetheart.

A sweetheart?

Yeah, said she's real
pretty and right sweet on him.

Said it was a case
of love at first sight.

He's gonna bring
her home to meet us

and then ask her to marry him.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, what's her name?

He don't know that yet.

Oh.

Well, leastways he's moving
faster than Dash Riprock.

And his movie starring
is moving right along, too.

He says he's out on
what they call, uh, location

getting ready to
act in his first scene.

Oh... I wish we could see him.

Okay, now, Beef, you're
gonna play the toughest,

most indestructible
marshal in the West...

Six Gun Tex.

But I only got one gun.

Uh, it's all right.
Don't worry about that.

Now, look, in this scene,

what you've got to do
is prevent the Indians

from getting the covered
wagon full of dynamite.

Hey, that's great.
How do I do it?

Never mind, I'll tell you
when the time comes.

Now, Bob, are you ready to
pan him over to the wagon?

All set, Mr. Gordon.

All right, I want, uh, I
want, uh, Joe and Harry

to cover the same action
on cameras two and three.

Now, Beef, Beef, look.

When I say "action,"
when I say "action,"

I want you to run to
the covered wagon,

climb in the back of
the covered wagon.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Action!

Go on... Were you
able to follow him, Bob?

Not missing a thing.

All right, he's in the wagon.

Cue in my Indians.

Okay, Beef!

The-the Indians are coming!

How do I keep them
from getting the dynamite?!

Just push down

on that little red
plunger... Beef... baby.

Boy, sure sets a
feller's ears to ringing.

No Indians!

What happened to my Indians?

They missed their
cue, Mr. Gordon.

Oh!

All right, we'll do it again.

Get another wagon.

Okay, Beef, here
come the Indians!

Push the plunger!

Again?

Yes, again!

How did it go that time?

Beautiful! Great!

Bob? Bob, how'd it look to you?

I missed it. The film buckled.

Huh. Well, don't worry.

Joe and Harry were covering
on the other two cameras.

Joe? Joe how'd it go with you?

Sorry, Mr. Gordon.

I had a power failure
and didn't get a thing.

Well, we've still got the
long shot up in the hill.

Harry!

Harry, come in, Harry.

How'd it go up there, Harry?

Ready when you are, Mr. Gordon.

Get another wagon.

We're gonna do it again.

Hi, Mr. Clampett.

- Hi, Pa.
- Well, howdy there.

How'd you young folks
do down to the beach?

Well, just fine, Pa.

We had us a mess of fun.

Good, good.

May I use your
phone, Mr. Clampett?

You bet you can.

It's right inside
there. Help yourself.

Thanks, I want
to call the studio

and see how things are going.

But, uh...

Well, I reckon
he's gotta find out

for hisself sooner or later.

Find out what, Pa?

His job movie starring has done
been took by your cousin Jethro.

Jethro?

I know it's a mite
hard to swallow,

but right now, whilst
we's standing here,

Jethro's out someplace
on what they call location

doing all of Dash's best scenes.

I just talked to the studio.

Do you know what Jethro's doing?

Well, yeah, Dash,
but... I got to stop him.

Well, now, uh,
let's talk a minute.

There's no time for that.

Jethro's doing all my stunts.

Well, I know he's trying...

He's gonna get
his head blown off.

By doggies he
took it right spiteful.

Well, gee, Pa...

He hadn't ought to
threatened Jethro.

Just for that, I hope
the boy gets a chance

to show him what he's made of.

What do I do now, Mr. Gordon?!

On "action," you come
flying out of the cabin

and head right for the camera.

Okay.

All right, action!

Cut!

- How'd it look, Bob?
- Great.

All right, print it.

Now, let's get set
up for the avalanche.

Mr.-Mr. Gordon?

What-what is it, kid?

Are you sure Cary
Grant started like this?

You ain't baking
again, are you, Elly?

Yes'm, Granny.

Dash'll likely be coming back,

and I want to have
something good for him.

Say, them's pretty nice
looking loaves of bread.

Well, these is cookies.

- Cookies?
- Yes, ma'am.

The last ones I baked you
said wasn't high enough.

So I made these extra thick.

Yeah, that's a thick
cookie, all right.

Don't let Jethro see them.

Well, he'll just shovel them in.

Not unless he digs the
hole in somebody else's yard.

Well, you know, to
work up a appetite.

I'll work him up an appetite
when I get my hands on him.

Why, he went and
took Dash's job.

Hi, Uncle Jed.

Boy, you look like you
been sorting bobcats

in a burning hayloft.

I feel like it, too.

Granny!

I knowed Dash was gunning
for you when he left here,

but I never thought
he'd do this to you.

Well, he didn't.
I got this acting.

Acting?

Yeah, and Uncle Jed,
being a movie star ain't

all that it's cracked up to be.

Yeah, Jed, you...?

What happened to him?

He's been acting.

Yeah, and let me
tell you, Granny,

it is miserable work.

Well, the hours is good.

You got done early.

I wasn't done.

But ol' Dash come out
and kicked up such a fuss,

they sent me back to the studio.

From the look of you,
it may be just as well.

But I was just getting
to the good scene.

I was gonna ride a
avalanche down a mountain.

What's a avalanche?

And how do you ride it?

Well, I don't know,

but it had to beat
what I been doing.

Where's that girl
you called about?

Oh, yeah, Debbie.

Meeting her was the best part
of this movie-starring business.

I thought you was
gonna fetch her home.

Oh, she's coming by later.

Said she had to
go get fixed up first.

Wait till you see her.

She's pretty as a mess
of fried catfish. Mm!

Granny, the boy's in love.

Ain't no girl ever come
up to fried catfish before.

Yeah. Now all we
gotta do is find Dash.

And if I hadn't gotten
there when I did,

he'd have been buried
under an avalanche.

Good heavens!

All right, so you
did a good deed.

Go collect your merit badge
and get back up to the Clampetts.

That's another thing.

- I-I can't go on seeing Elly.
- Oh? Why not?

Oh, these people... Three
dates, and you're engaged.

Well, you could do worse.

Her father has $50 million.

Mr. Drysdale, money
isn't everything...

Hear! Hear!

There, there. Out!

Now, you don't fool me, Riprock.

You just want to get back
to those Hollywood swingers

like Debbie Haber.

- What do you know about her?
- Plenty.

If I hadn't sicced
her onto Jethro,

she'd have gone out
to Pismo Beach and...

You sicced Debbie on Jethro?

Well, yes, because
if I hadn't done that...

Mr. Drysdale, she'll
break that kid's heart.

All she cares about
is a screen test.

And if she ever gets
her gold-digging hooks

into Jed Clampett...

Don't just stand
there. Do something!

Find her! Break it up!

Right.

Well, Miss Hathaway.

I have you to
blame for this mess.

Well, I didn't do anything.

I know, I did.

But, fortunately, I
have you to blame for it.

Howdy. Can I help you?

I hardly think so.

Well, who you looking for?

I'm, uh, looking for
Mr. J.D. Clampett.

Well, then I can
help you. That's me.

You?

- I mean, you?
- Yes, ma'am.

Well, forgive me, but
the-the way you're dressed...

Well, you just don't
look like the average

run-of-the-mill
studio executive.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

I always prided myself
on dressing neat.

Uh, Mr. Clampett,
I'm-I'm Debbie Haber.

Oh, yeah, you're that girl
that Jethro was so took with.

Oh, he spoke to you about me?

Yes, ma'am. He said
you was about as pretty

as a mess of fried catfish.

All right, Beef Jerky!

You took Dash's job and
now you're gonna get it!

Get what?

Beat up.

Oh, Elly, I done been beat up,

blowed up, and burnt up.

I'll count three, and then
I'm gonna commence

to taking you apart.

- Come on, Elly, please, listen.
- One.

- My sweetie's coming!
- Two.

Have a heart!

- Three!
- Aw, come on, Elly!

That sounded like Jethro.

He must be changed
by now. Come on in.

But, Mr. Clampett.

It's you I want to talk to.

- Me?
- Yes.

What fer?

I want you to test me.

Well, uh, why would
I want to do that?

Because I've had
a lot of experience.

Let me tell you what I've done.

Well, uh, what's past is past.

Uh, that's your business, ma'am.

What?

Only thing that counts is

what you are today.

Well, all right then.

Take a look at me.

I'm 36... 24, 35.

Now calm down.

You got yourself
to where you can't

even remember your own age.

All right, all right, I promise!

No more movie starring.
Dash can have it.

Okay, now, tell Pa.

And then you're gonna
find Dash and tell him.

Mr. Clampett, don't
you understand?

I want to be in the movies.

I want to be a star!

You'd better talk
this over with Jethro.

That is Beef.

According to him,
it's miserable work.

Debbie, what are you doing?

I'm trying to get a screen test.

Well, meet me at the
studio, I'll take care of it.

Hey, Dash, I don't want
to be a movie star no more.

- You can have your old job back.
- Thanks.

Hey, wait, Debbie.

You and me can
still be sweethearts.

Get lost, Jerky.

Oh, it's Bodine now.

To me you'll always be jerky.

Thank you.

Oh, howdy, Dash.

- Hi, Elly.
- I baked you some cookies.

I'll run fetch them.

Get in this car and
drive for your life, boy.

Jed!

Elly's been baking again.

You got a sharp shovel?

- Get going, boy!
- Granny hasn't got her shotgun.

She's got worse. Go!

Here's your car.

Thanks, Miss Jane.

Yours is over yonder.

Let's go for a
little drive, Beef.

Okay, but, uh, I'm just
plain Jethro from now on.

Oh, where-where shall we go?

Granny, that gives me a idea.

Say, uh, how would you two
like to drive to Pismo Beach?

For clam digging?

No.

For cookie burying.

That's the one place
they won't kill the trees.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways Presentation.