The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Sheik - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Chief, aren't you coming in?

No, I'll wait in the car
and run over my speech.

Yes, sir.

"Friends of television land..."

Well, howdy there,
Miss Jane. Come on in.

Thank you, Elly. Is
your father ready?

Oh, yes, ma'am.
He'll be right down.

Hey. Is Pa sure enough
gonna be on television?

Oh, indeed he is.

Along with Mr. Drysdale,
Mr. Brewster

and one of the richest
oil sheikhs in the world.

Don't forget to wave to us, Jed.

All right, Granny.

We'll be watchin'
for you on the TV set.

Well, now, don't
get your hopes up.

They ain't likely to
show much of me

when they got important
folk like that sheikh fella.

Ain't that right, Miss Jane?

Oh, on the contrary,
Mr. Clampett,

your meeting with the
sheikh will be the high point

- of the telecast.
- How come?

It will be the meeting between
two oil kings, East and West.

Hey, Uncle Jed!

Uncle Jed, we's
gonna be watchin' you

- on television.
- Yeah, I know, boy.

Well, when you make your
speech, uh, hold this up.

I ain't gonna be
makin' no speeches

nor holdin' up no signs.

Come on, Miss Jane.

Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Hello, Mr. Clampett.

You all excited about goin'
on television, Mr. Drysdale?

Oh, no, not me, Granny.

My, you sure are duded up fancy.

Thank you, Elly.

Let's get going, Miss Hathaway.

Hey, look at Mr. Drysdale!

His mustache is black!

- You don't say.
- Let's see.

What you got
smeared on your face?

Well, that's just a little
makeup for television.

I may be asked
to say a few words.

Look at that hair!

Ain't he somethin'?

Why, you're downright purty.

I did touch up
the gray a little.

Looks like you used a tar mop.

If a bug ever landed in
that, he'd be stuck for life.

Let's go, Miss Hathaway.

Right, Chief.

Oh, Mr. Drysdale,
your lipstick is smeared.

- Bye-bye! Bye-bye, now! -Bye!
- Bye! Bye! Bye, Uncle Jed!

Let's get the
television warmed up.

We don't want to miss Jed.

It's the sheikh I want to see.

They's gonna look
like a pair of muddy cats

next to Mr. Drysdale!

Friends of television land,

as a behind-the-scenes
participant

in this new oil venture,

I've been asked
to say a few words.

I am proud that my
bank has been chosen

to coordinate the
financial forces

that will drive the drills
of the O.K. Oil Company

- deep into the desert
sands - JANE: Chief?

- And bring forth - Chief?

From those untapped
reservoirs of energy.

- Chief?
- What? What?

If you don't come in,
you'll miss the telecast.

They haven't started
yet, have they?

No, but they're almost finished
with the press interviews.

This must be a great
moment for you, Mr. Brewster.

Oh, indeed it is.

O.K. Oil Company is proud

to add the resources
of Sheikh Ahmed

to those of Mr. Clampett.

May we have a statement

from you, Sheikh Ahmed?

It affords me great pleasure
to clasp the hand of my brother.

Oh, are you two brothers?

Oh, oh, no.

You are my brother,
Mr. Clampett.

I am?

Yes. You see,

oil is the life blood
of my country.

So, now that your blood and
my blood are to be mingled,

thus we are brothers.

Well, doggies!

Uh, well, it's almost
time to go on the air.

Are there any further questions?

I have a question
for the sheikh.

How many wives do you have?

Oh, now... I have 240.

However, now
that I am associated

in this American oil venture,

I hope to be able
to afford many more.

How do you feel about
that, Mr. Clampett?

Well, uh, with that many wives,

a fella could be pretty
sure of comin' home at night

and findin' at least
one in a good mood.

Please accept
this for your wife.

Well, thanks just
the same, Mr. Sheikh,

but, uh, I ain't got no wife.

Not even one?

Well, Mr. Clampett is a
widower, Your Highness.

Aw.

Excuse me, gentlemen,
30 seconds, we're on the air.

Would you mind
taking your places?

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

- Thank you very much.
- Oh, John,

kind of hold my
speech till last.

Speech?

Oh, just a few
off-the-cuff remarks,

but very dynamic.

Makes a great climax.

- Well, uh...
- Mr. Brewster, ten seconds.

Oh, thank you.

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is Bill Baldwin,

speaking to you
from the boardroom

of the O.K. Oil Company,

which is today the scene

of a very important news event.

The meeting of two oil kings,

Mr. J.D. Clampett
of Beverly Hills...

Look, there's Uncle Jed!

Looky, Duke, it's
Pa on the television.

Wave, Jed, wave.

And the ruler of that
desert kingdom of Tahir,

Sheikh Ali Ben Ahmed.

Who's that goomer?

That there's the sheikh.

How come he's
wearin' bedclothes?

Them ain't bedclothes;
them's sheikhs' clothes.

And so, ladies and gentlemen,

we hope that you've
enjoyed this, uh... Hmm?

Oh, uh, and now a few words

from the distinguished president

of the Commerce
Bank of Beverly Hills,

Mr. Milburn Drysdale.

Mr. Drysdale.

Five seconds... four,
three, two, one, cut.

Friends of television land,

as a behind-the-scenes
participant

in this new oil venture,

I've been asked to say a few...

Where's everybody going?

I haven't even gotten started.

What about my speech?

Go right ahead, Mr. Drysdale.

I'm listenin'.

Miss Hathaway, did
you see what happened?

Now, Chief, no tears.

You don't want
your mascara to run.

You looked handsome,
Jed, but you forgot to wave.

Well, I'll remember next time.

What happened to Mr. Drysdale?

We never did see him.

Well, uh, it seems...
- Uncle Jed!
- Pa?

Uncle Jed, a present just
come for you from the sheikh.

Well, open it up.
Let's see what's in it.

Oh, this ain't it.
This just come with it.

Yeah, the real
present's outside.

Well, fetch it in.

Come on in.

What in the Sam Hill?

The man that brung
'em by said that they were

some of the sheikh's
favorite dancin' girls.

Yeah, he wants you
to have 'em for wives.

Wives?

Fetch him back, boy.

I can't take a
present like that.

Oh, wait a minute, Uncle Jed.

- Let's talk about it first.
- Jethro!

Well, at least look 'em over
before you go returnin' 'em.

I got to find out where that
sheikh does his shoppin'.

You get to the kitchen.

Oh, Granny.

Move!

♪♪

Stop that!

No more hoochie coochie.

No more squirmin'.

Stop that wigglin'.

Hold it.

Now, you stay right here.

Elly, let's go upstairs and
get some clothes for them.

I thought I told you
to get to the kitchen.

I like it better in here.

Get.

Let's get some decent
clothes for them girls.

You can see plumb through

them flimsy things
they're wearin'.

Yes'm, Granny.

♪♪

Here, here, stop that.

Hey, Uncle Jed,
if you're wonderin'

on what to get me
for my birthday, well...

Never mind. Now, girls,

I couldn't catch up to
the fella that brung you,

but don't worry, I'll see
you get back to your sheikh.

You sheikh. We belong you now.

Oh, no, you don't belong to me.

Hey, Uncle Jed,

don't go fightin' with
your wives right off.

They ain't my wives.

Now, get Mr. Drysdale
on the telephone.

You gonna give 'em to him?

- No, I ain't.
- Well, then, can I have 'em?

- Course not!
- Can I have half of 'em?

Boy, what's the matter with you?

In this country, you
can only have one wife.

Oh, thank you, Uncle Jed.

Jethro!

Now, get Mr. Drysdale
on the telephone.

I'll see these girls get
back to Sheikh Ahmed.

Sheikh Ahmed?

We not please you, great Sheikh?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
you're dandy girls,

but, uh, I ain't no sheikh.

I can learn you, Uncle Jed.

You just get Mr. Drysdale.

Yes, sir.

Now, girls, I think the best...

We please you.

Hold on. Hold on, now.

None of that.

Just a second, Mr. Drysdale.

Hey, Uncle Jed.

I'll take it in the parlor.

You keep them in here.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Aha. I thought so.

Now you're gonna get it.

Now, wait a minute, Granny.

I'm just doin' what
Uncle Jed told me.

You think I'm
gonna swallow that?

You're goin' to the woodshed.

But, Granny, I'm
supposed to be...

You're supposed to
do what I tell you to do.

Well no, sir, Mr. Drysdale,

I don't want to hurt
the sheikh's feeling's,

but I can't keep this
present he give me.

It's a bunch of girls.

No, sir, not pearls; girls.

Yes, sir, real, live girls.

Now, I...

Now, wait a minute.

Now, hold on just a...

Mr. Drysdale, you
better get over here

right away and bring
Mr. Brewster with you.

I don't know what
these girls got in mind,

but I got a feelin'
it ain't strictly legal.

Now, let's consider
this problem calmly.

Above all, we must
not offend the sheikh.

I agree.

So, what's the solution?

Simple. Jed Clampett
keeps the girls.

Milburn!

Oh, I don't mean permanently.

Just until the sheikh
goes home a happy man.

Then we split them up.

What?

There's a real shortage
of domestic help, John.

Those girls work for nothing.

You can't be serious.

Listen, this deal can
mean millions to my bank.

This deal can mean millions
to my oil company, too.

Good. Then we agree.

No, no, we don't.

Now, I think you'd
better let me handle this.

I let you handle my
television appearance.

A $40 makeup job down the drain.

Sorry to keep
you waiting, fellas,

but I figured I better
change into my good clothes

if we was gonna
confab with the sheikh.

Yes, we were just
discussing how to handle him.

I'll handle him for you.

I'll learn that rascal to run
around wearing bedclothes

and giving away girls.

Oh, Granny, please.

The sheikh cannot be insulted.

Just give me half a chance.

Why don't you go help Elly
May change into a nice dress?

She's done changed.

Well, then, uh, check
on the dancing girls.

I got 'em locked in my room.

Well, then, check on Jethro.

I got him locked in his room.

Hey, you're Sheikh Ahmed!

I seen you on television
with my Uncle Jed!

Oh, you must be the nephew
of my great and good friend.

Oh, yes, sir.

Ah. Please accept this small
gift as a token of my esteem.

Well, thank you. It's
awfully nice of you.

But, uh, ain't you
got any more presents

like you give my Uncle Jed?

Oh, you mean the dancing girls.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Man, I mean, they
got rings, cuff links,

neckties backed
right off the map.

I am delighted that my
gift has found such favor.

It sure did. Hey, come on in.

Boy, would I like to be
around your place at Christmas.

Just to help wrap.

The palace of my
brother is very...

By the beard of the Prophet.

What a vision of delight.

Never have these eyes
beheld such enchanting beauty.

Who is this divine enchantress?

Oh, you don't mean
my cousin, do you?

Oh, her face is so fair
as to confuse the sun.

Her hair a cascade
of golden moonlight.

Her eyes twin pools of rapture.

Who's he talking about, Jethro?

Dogged if I know.

I speak of you,
princess of the heavens,

moon of my delight,
oasis of my desire.

Oh, Jethro, you better
go get Pa and Granny.

You go fetch 'em. I'm supposed
to be locked in my room.

Oh, she flees like a gazelle,
and with her goes my heart.

Tell me, my son, is she
free to reign over my harem?

Huh?

Don't tell me she
is wed to another.

Oh, you mean married? Heck, no!

Uncle Jed's been trying
to get her hitched up...

- Jethro!
- Oh, there's Granny.

Excuse me, Mr. Sheikh.

Jethro!

So it's you.

If you're lookin' for them
girls, I got 'em up in my room.

Ah, then you are the
keeper of the harem.

I'm the keeper of
everything around here.

I will pay any price
for the young gazelle

that was here a moment ago.

You will?

1,000 pieces of gold,

100 goats, 50 of
my swiftest horses.

Sold! I'll catch him for you.

Pa? Pa, the sheikh's here.

Is he in a good mood?

Well, he sure is, Mr. Drysdale.

You see, fellas? Now,
let's not blow this deal.

Let's send him away happy.

- Mr. Drysdale, I cannot keep them girls.
- But...

Milburn, I handled
the oil negotiation

with the sheikh successfully.

I'm sure I can handle this.

Thank you, Mr. Brewster.
You do the talking.

Now, Elly, you let them
girls out of Granny's room,

and fetch 'em down in
the parlor when I call you.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Now, wait a minute.
What about Granny?

Don't worry about Granny.

I just seen her headed
for the cement pond.

Jethro?

Where are you, honey?

Don't be scared.

I won't hurt you.

Granny's got some
good news for you.

You have?

Yes, I have.

I've arranged for
a little trip for you.

Where to?

That country where
the sheikh lives.

Hot dog! Thank you, Granny!

I can't do it. I can't do it.

You're a terrible aggravation
to me, but I still love you.

Huh?

You're my kith and my kin,

and I can't sell you...
even for 100 goats.

Mr. Clampett has asked me to
speak for him, Your Highness,

because the
magnificence of your gift

has left him speechless
with gratitude.

Uh, however, the custom
of his country demands

that he present you
with a gift of equal value,

and since he has no such gift,

he must return the
four lovely maidens,

even though his heart
bleeds with anguish.

Elly May!

Let my brother's
heart bleed no longer.

He does possess
a gift equal to mine.

I do? What's that?

This sparkling gem,
this dazzling beauty.

Oh, but Mr. Sheikh, this
here is my daughter, Elly May.

Sheikh Ahmed, surely
you're not suggesting

that Mr. Clampett
trade his daughter

for your dancing girls?

Of course not.

I will add into the bargain
1,000 pieces of gold,

100 goats, 50 of
the swiftest horses.

Now, hold on.

Uh, Sheikh Ahmed,
this is not a...

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
let-let's hear the man out.

Milburn!

I think you and the girls
better wait in the hall.

Mr. Sheikh, I
reckon you do things

a mite different
where you come from,

but my daughter ain't
for sale at no price.

You're a shrewd
bargainer, Mr. Clampett,

but hear me out.

I will also give you 200 sheep.

Hear that?

Have you fellas priced
lamb chops lately?

Excuse us a moment, gentlemen.

Are you out of your mind?

Well, he's been wanting
to get Elly May married.

The sheikh's a
good-looking fellow.

With a little haggling,
I'll bet we can get him

up to 400 sheep, maybe...

This is better, my friend.

Now we can bargain man-to-man.

Mr. Sheikh, I don't
think you quite realize

what you're asking me to do.

Oh, on the contrary,
I've sold many daughters.

The dickens you say.

Yes, but not at the price
you are asking me to pay.

Well, Mr. Sheikh... Very well.

200 goats and my royal camel.

Your royal what?

Camel.

You're not acquainted with
this remarkable creature?

The ship of the desert?

No, sir, but even
if you offered me...

Mr. Sheikh?

I'm afraid the deal is off.

I can't sell this boy.

You was wanting
to buy Jethro, too?

Oh, no, no, only your
daughter, Elly May.

But, uh, I will give
you ten extra goats

for the little harem keeper.

What?!

100 goats for him
and only ten for me?

Why, you bedsheet-wearin'
sand crawler.

Excuse me a minute, Mr. Sheikh.

Let me at him.

I'll give him a
knuckle sandwich.

Never have I had such difficulty

buying a simple
little thing like a wife.

You really want my cousin, Elly,

when you got all them
pretty dancing girls?

My son, I would pay
any price for your cousin.

Mr. Sheikh, let's you
and me do a little talkin'.

John, will you listen to me?

I did what you said.

I came back to the office,
and all of a sudden it hit me.

The sheikh probably
fell for Elly May

because she's
blonde and American.

So we substitute another
blonde American girl.

But I-I've got one,
and she's here now.

Come in, Miss Hathaway.

Chief, I demand
to know the reason

for this ridiculous masquerade.

Never mind. Forget it.

Hello, John.

It's back to the drawing board.

The man's a nut.

Mr. Brewster! Mr. Brewster!

The sheikh's done run
off with Jethro and Elly.

- What?
- They's gone, he's gone,

and his car is gone.

Jed! Jed!

Here I am, Granny.
What's the trouble?

The sheikh stole your
family. That's the trouble.

And he didn't even leave as
much as one goat to pay for 'em.

Now, calm down, Granny.

The sheikh's still here.

He is?

Yeah, I just seen him
from my bedroom window.

He's down by the cement
pond, him and his dancin' girls.

Excuse me, Mr. Sheikh,
can I talk to you for a minute?

Is it real important, Uncle Jed?

I'm awful busy.

Jethro?

It's Sheikh Jethro.

And I'm telling
you, this is the life.

Where is Sheikh Ahmed?

What are you doing
here with all this stuff

and all these dancin' girls?

He give 'em to me.

It's part of the deal.

What deal?

I sold him Elly May.

You what?

Man, did I drive a bargain.

For one old girl cousin,
I got all these jewels,

these pillows, this pipe,

plus a goat, a
horse, a royal camel

and 15 dancin' girls.

15?

Well, yeah, uh, these
are just the down payment.

You girls come along with me.

Come on.

Hey, hey, wait a
minute, Uncle Jed.

Hey, listen.

Wait a minute,
Uncle Jed, listen.

You can pick yourself
four out of the next batch.

Boy, the minute
you get a good thing,

everybody wants in on it.

Elly May, well,
where's Sheikh Ahmed?

In the trunk yonder.

I had to work him over
before he would fetch me back.

Now I'm gonna get Jethro.

Sheikh Ahmed.

Mr. Brewster.

Please, you may have all my oil.

You may have anything,
but free me from the clutches

of that American wildcat.

You're safe. She's gone, Sheikh.

Hold on, Mr. Sheikh.

Here's your girls back.

I'll mail the rest
of your stuff to you.

Bye!

Good riddance, Jed.

Remember that fancy
livestock he promised you?

Yeah.

Miserable.

How do you know?

Take a look.

Ain't that the saddest-lookin'
horse you ever seen?

Pitiful. Pitiful.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.