The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 4, Episode 1 - Admiral Jed Clampett - full transcript

Mr. Drysdale tries to get Jed to buy a yacht and join the yacht club. As usual, a misunderstanding takes place, and the Navy gets involved.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Now, settle down
there, don't rock the boat.

Elly May?

Yeah, Pa?

Mr. Drysdale will be here
directly to take us sailing

on that yacht.

I know... that's why I'm
getting my critters used

to riding on the water.

I don't recollect
them being invited.

Then I don't care nothing

about going, neither.

Well, now, Elly, you're
the main reason I'm thinking

of buying this yacht.

What do you mean?

Well, according to Mr. Drysdale,

there is a bunch of
high-quality young fellas

sails around on them boats.

Pa, are you aiming
to get me married off?

Well, I wouldn't put
it as blunt as that,

but if the right
fella come along,

I ain't aiming to
sic the dogs on him.

Well, Jethro says I'm
too old to get a man.

Well, uh, Jethro knows
a heap of book learning,

but when it comes to
courting or romance, he's about

as bright as a
smokehouse at midnight.

Who's that, Uncle Jed?

Nobody.

Elly May, you get yourself
into a nice pretty dress.

Yes, sir, Pa.

I see you're all ready to go.

- Well, yes, sir.
- How about Granny?

Oh, she's changed her mind.

She says she ain't going out

on no ocean on no yacht.

I just had her talked into it.

I know you did.

And whilst I was helping
her pack vittles just now,

I throwed in a few
clinchers myself.

Like what?

Like I says, "Nothing
to be scared of, Granny.

Even if you fall
overboard, I'll save you."

I see.

I says, "Heck fire, I can swim

faster than any old shark."

Nice going, boy.

Thank you.

Then I says, "Even if
the shark gets to you first,

"he's gonna think twice
before he goes to gnawing

on a tough little old bony
piece of meat like you."

I'll bet that made
her feel good.

You'd-a thought
so, wouldn't you?

But it was just about then

that she said she wasn't going.

Well, I'll go talk to her.

You want me to help?

No, no, you've done enough.

Oh, Uncle Jed?

Here's something
that might cheer her up.

Tell her that even if
the shark does get her,

it's quicker than drowning.

I'll remember that.

Oh, and we all got
to go some time.

Elly, you ain't going out
on that boat, are you?

Sure am, Granny.

Well, what will you do if
you fall off in the ocean?

Well, I can swim.

Ain't you ever heared of sharks?

Of course I have.

Well, what will you do if you
meet up with one of them?

Nothing I can do.

Pa says I can't bring
home no more critters.

Foolishness.

Foolishness, that's what it is.

The whole family's
gonna get ate up.

Them sharks is gonna be
having Clampett chowder.

Granny?

What's this I hear about
you not coming with us?

Jed, hill folks don't
belong on no ocean.

Granny, you done
let Jethro scare you.

Mr. Drysdale says being
on one of them big yachts

is just like being
in your own house.

Then I've saved myself a trip.

I'm done here.

Drysdale says it's a lot
of fun on them big yachts.

You can fish off them.

You can fall off them, too.

And I ain't aiming to be
no snack for no shark.

Jethro has got you
worried about nothing.

I ain't so sure.

I been eating fish for 70 years,

and they could be carrying
a mighty strong grudge.

Ah, I'm plumb ashamed of you.

Jed, I was born on dry land.

I was raised on dry land.

And when my time comes,
I aim to go on dry land.

Well, that's just it.

You know the Good
Lord is looking out for you.

He'll decide when
it's your time to go.

When I go is up to Him.

Where I go is up to me.

How do I look, Miss Hathaway?

And no flattery now.

Don't be influenced by the
fact that I'm your employer

and could fire you like that.

Chief, you-you look magnificent.

Thank you.

Not for what you said,
but for telling the truth.

And-and speaking of the
truth, you haven't praised, uh...

told me what you
think of this yacht idea.

Well, frankly, I
can't quite picture

Jed Clampett
belonging to a yacht club.

You don't have to.

Just picture Elly
May being pursued

by all those wealthy,
young yachting types.

What a love story.

Rich boy meets rich girl.

And they open a joint
account in your bank.

And I live happily ever after.

Howdy, Miss Jane, Mr. Drysdale.

- Come on in.
- Thank you, Jethro.

Good to be aboard.

Everyone ready, Jethro?

Uh, no, ma'am. Elly's
still getting dressed.

Oh, I'll go up and see
if I can be of some help.

Hey, Mr. Drysdale,
are you in the navy?

No, no, lad. These are
merely yachting togs.

Though I do have a look
of a sea hawk about me.

Admiral Drysdale.

Born to command.

Gold braid on this sleeve, and
I'd look every inch the skipper.

Hey, I thought I heard company.

Howdy there.

Hey, Uncle Jed, is Mr. Drysdale

gonna be the
skipper of your yacht?

- Well, now...
- No, no, of course not.

Here's our skipper.

♪♪

Standing by for orders, sir.

Mr. Drysdale, can Uncle Jed
wear a fancy uniform like yours?

My boy, your Uncle Jed can wear

the fanciest uniform
money can buy.

Hot dog!

Hey, Granny.

Granny, you got to change your
mind about going to the ocean.

I ain't changing
nothing but my clothes.

Aw, come on, Granny, please.

I ain't setting foot
out of this house.

You don't have to.

I'll tote you.

Jethro!

Put your granny down.

I can't... She's locked
onto something.

Granny, let go.

I ain't letting go till
he puts me down.

I can't put her
down till she lets go.

That ain't fair... two agin one.

Now, put her down.

She'll get away.

Leave go of her.

See, now I've got
to catch her again.

Make yourself scarce,
boy. Go take a drive.

- Where to?
- Anywhere.

Hey, can I get the
uniform for you?

- Yeah, yeah, you do that.
- Hey, and a fancy one?

Sure, sure. Now, get.

Now listen to reason, Granny.

There's nothing
to be frightened of.

Come on, Granny,
don't be a fraidy cat.

You can coax, plead and
shame-mouth me all you want.

I ain't a-budging.

Why do you have to
be so all-fired stubborn?

Well, for one thing, I...

I can't get my head out of here.

See you later, Granny.

Wait! Don't leave me.

Help!

Well, surely you don't
intend to leave her like that.

Course not, but that
stair railing might be just

the halter we need to
lead that little mule to water.

We're supposed to meet the
yacht people at the harbor at 11:00.

Well, you and Miss
Jane go on ahead.

Granny ain't likely to back
down in front of company, no how.

Well, how will you get
to the yacht harbor?

The truck.

Oh, no! No!

I mean, it would be much better
if you arrived in my limousine.

How come?

Well... because
it's-it's bad luck

for the skipper of a
yacht to arrive in a truck.

Right?

Oh, r-right.

It's, uh, it's an old
superstition of the sea.

Yeah, and you wouldn't
want to jinx the ship.

- Of course not.
- Fine.

Well, my limousine
will be standing by.

We'll see you at the pier.

Number 21.

We'll be there quick
as Granny gives in.

Uncle Jed, wait till you
see the uniform I got for you.

You're gonna make Mr. Drysdale
look like a plucked chicken.

Pa, Granny's got her
head caught in the stair rail.

Yeah, I know.

She says if we'll get her loose,

she'll go down to
the boat with us.

It worked. Come on, y'all.

Hey, Granny, how did
you get your head in there?

Never mind that.
Let's just get it out.

I think it'll go
through if I put

my shoulder agin it and shove.

No, no, boy.

Maybe it'll help if
I butter her head.

Never mind, Elly.

How about I turn her
sideways and try yanking

the rest of her
through this way.

I think the best plan would be

to spread these bars a mite.

All of them?

No, just these two.

Oh.

That's the ticket.
Fine and dandy.

Here, Uncle Jed,
put on your uniform.

I believe I'll pass that.

Aw, please, Uncle Jed?

Yeah, come on, Pa.

Well, all right.

While I'm doing it, you
call up the Drysdales

and tell the chauffeur
we's ready for the limousine.

JETHRO, ELLY MAY,
GRANNY: Limousine?!

According to
Mr. Drysdale, showing up

in one of them is good luck.

Let's do it.

We's gonna need all
the luck we can get.

Hey, can I drive it?

Well, I reckon that'd save
them a heap of trouble.

I'll go fetch it.

And, uh, leave the
truck over to their house.

Mrs. Drysdale might want
to drive into Beverly Hills.

Hey, Jethro, wait till you see

Pa in his yachting get-up.

Yes, sir!

I told you it was a doozy.

Where'd you get
this outfit, Jethro?

Over to the movie studio.

What you call the
wardrobe department.

Kind of fancy for fishing
and the like, ain't it?

I reckon so.

It's the only one
they had in your size.

Come on, Granny.

I'm coming.

What's this for?

One of them sharks swallows me,

he's gonna get hisself a
double-barreled bellyache.

Granny, I done told you,
ain't no shark gonna go

to gnawing on a tough
little old bony piece of...

That's enough, boy!

Now, let's hop in, everybody.

Jethro, reckon you
can find that harbor?

Yes, sir.

All we got to do is take
off out that harbor freeway

till we see some boats.

Ah, sounds reasonable to me.

Now, when we get there,
we'll be looking for number 21.

Yes, sir.

Yonder's a bunch of boats.

Reckon it's one of them?

Heck no, they's too little.

According to Mr. Drysdale,
them yachts is big as houses.

They better be or you
ain't getting me on one.

Dandy big'uns over on that side.

Now, them is what
you call yachts.

Keep your eyes peeled
for number 21, everybody.

Here she is, Uncle
Jed... number 21.

Looks like a dandy
big yacht, Granny.

Yeah, but if you ask me,

it ain't strictly brand-new.

Maybe not, but they
got a lot of hired hands

cleaning it up for us.

Nice-looking fellas, too.

It ain't easy to get
into this yacht harbor.

Yeah.

For a minute I
thought that feller

at the front gate
wasn't gonna let us in.

He sure changed his
tune when he seen Pa.

I'll say he did.

Fell all over hisself
being polite, then.

Saluted and everything.

Well, you got to
remember they's hoping

I'll buy this boat.

Folks is generally extra polite

when they's trying
to sell you something.

Where's Mr. Drysdale
and Miss Jane?

Why don't you young'uns
take a look around for them?

Yes, sir, Pa.

Jed, why do you
suppose Mr. Drysdale

is so all-fired het up
on you buying that boat?

Well, for one thing,
he thinks it's a chance

for Elly May to meet some
young fellas of high quality.

Don't look now,

but I think it's
working already.

What you mean?

There's a couple of
boys looking down at us.

They must have spied
Elly, 'cause their eyes

are bugging out like a bullfrog.

Is that an admiral?

That's an admiral.

Let's get the O.D.

You know, Cliff, it's quite
a feeling of responsibility.

What's that?

Being the senior
officer aboard this ship.

Say, that's right.

With the skipper
and exec both ashore,

you're in command.

Worried?

Not a bit.

The ability to command is
something you're born with.

Either you've got
it or you haven't.

Let's face it...
- Sir!
- Beg pardon, sir.

Just a moment.

Let's face it, Cliff.

I've got it.

All right, men, what is it?

There's an admiral
about to come aboard, sir.

Very well. You may
return... An admiral?

Are you sure?

Well, sir, he's
got a whole sleeve

full of gold braid.

Yes, sir. He got like that,

and then like that and
then like that again.

Isn't that an admiral?

That's an admiral.

Oh, boy, is that an admiral!

We can't find hide nor
hair of Mr. Drysdale.

Maybe he's already on the boat.

I'll go up and have a look.

Y'all wait here in
case he shows up.

Tell communications
to locate the skipper.

Alert the crew.

Find someone to pipe
the admiral aboard.

Get six men for side boys.

Get everything shaped
up for inspection.

Never mind that, move!

Welcome aboard, sir.

Yes, sir! This is
a-a big surprise.

Honor!

Uh, relax, boy.

Mr. Drysdale here?

Is he supposed to be, sir?

Yes, he is.

Then he's here, sir.

Good, good.

Come on up, everybody!

Come on, Granny.

I've changed my mind.

I'm gonna wait in the car.

Hey, Jethro! Jethro!

Put me down this minute, Jethro!

I, uh, hope your family
enjoyed their tour of the ship, sir.

Uh, the lieutenant will
be with you in a moment.

Uh, he's trying to
contact the skipper.

Oh, Uncle Jed's the skipper.

Of course.

I meant Commander Blake.

Fine and dandy.

"Fine and dandy."

Jed Clampett, if
you buy this boat,

you are plumb off your rocker.

Little tiny rooms,
ladders for stairs,

iron doors.

Well, I grant you, we want
to do some remodeling.

Knock out a few walls,

raise up them doorways,

so Jethro won't always
be whomping his head.

Did commence to throb a
little after the fourth or fifth time.

I like this boat, Pa.

Yeah, Uncle Jed, it's a dandy.

What do you young'uns
know about boats?

We know as much
about 'em as you do.

Then you don't know
nothing, so hush up.

There sure is a bunch
of nice-looking fellas on it.

Yeah, I kind of
noticed that myself.

So did I.

And I ain't cooking
for 250 hired hands.

Now, Granny, you know and I know

it don't take all them
fellas to run this boat.

Then somebody's
padding the payroll.

Maybe Mr. Drysdale had
them come to see Elly.

All of 'em 'pears to
have proper bringing up.

They're polite and
all, especially to Pa.

Well, yeah, Elly,
but like I say,

that may be put on.

Don't forget, they's
looking to sell me this boat.

Hope you buy it, Uncle Jed.

Sure would like
to drive this rascal.

You know how, do you, boy?

Well, looks easier
than the truck.

Ain't even got no pedals.

Please buy it, Pa.

Well, I think we ought
to see how it rides first.

Hot dog! Let's go.

We hope to establish
communication

with Commander
Blake very shortly, sir.

However, still no
trace of Mr. Drysdale.

Well, don't worry about it.

Meanwhile, sir, we're serving
coffee and refreshments

in the wardroom... uh, with
the admiral's permission.

Well, that's fine.
Thank him for us.

Lead me to it.

Right this way, madam.

Ain't we going for a ride, Pa?

Well, that's up to this
young fella right here.

Can we please go for a ride?

A ride?

Yeah, Uncle Jed wants to
see what this thing will do.

The ship, sir?

That's right.

You mean, you want
to put out to sea, sir?

- Yep.
- Now, sir?

Sooner the better.

Don't you want to
wait for the skipper?

You're talking to the skipper.

Oh, yes, sir. Beg pardon, sir.

Your orders will be
carried out immediately.

Thank you. Now let's go
have some of that coffee.

Be nice to raise
these doorways a mite.

Iron kind of dents
a fella's head.

Ain't doing that iron
no good, neither.

Chief, it's aimless to keep
driving around like this.

We've covered the
entire harbor area.

From the land, but
not from the sea.

I don't follow you.

Well, maybe the Clampetts
got to the wrong pier

and aboard the wrong yacht.

All the really big ones are
anchored out in the channel.

I suppose that is a possibility.

Now, pull over
there where it says:

"Speedboat for hire."

Can I help you folks?

Yes, you can.

We need a good fast boat
and an experienced operator

to take us around

to the various
yachts in the channel.

- Well, I'm your man.
- Good, good.

How much?

$35 an hour.

$35 an hour?

Chief, we've got to
get out there somehow.

I know, I know.

Hey! What's going on?

Watch it, buddy!

Won't this thing go any faster?

Well, not with
one person rowing.

You know, your trouble
is you're not smooth.

You need a little
rhythm and coordination.

I also need a little help.

Oh, very well.

Oh, thank you.

Now, one and pull

and one and stroke
and forward and...

Miss Hathaway,
you're not with me.

Oh, how I wish that were true.

Now, one and pull
and two and stroke...

Jed?

Jed, what's going on?

Where they taking us?

They're just taking
us out for a little ride.

Where's Elly May?

She's out on the back porch

with all of them hired hands.

She's have a high old time.

Well, that's good, good.

Is that all the fellas it
takes to run this boat?

Appears to be.

I told you they was
padding the payroll.

Shh.

Well, look for yourself.

Six of 'em.

And one of them is
watching television.

What program you watching?

I beg your pardon?

What's that?

Radar.

Can't you tune it
in better than that?

I beg your pardon?

I said, can't you

tune it in no better than that?

Well, actually, the
resolution is quite sharp.

This is Catalina Island,

and this is a ship.

This is another ship,

and that's an airplane.

Worst television
set I ever seen.

Pitiful.

Say, Uncle Jed, can I drive now?

Well, it's all right with me,

but you'd best ask the fella
at the steering wheel there.

Thank you.

Uncle Jed says I
can drive for a spell,

if it's all right with you.

Hold steady on one-zero-zero.

Okay.

Hey, Uncle Jed,
we's doin' a hundred.

Kind of fast if you have
to do any turning, ain't it?

Well, there's one
way to find out.

That was a very
hazardous maneuver.

Thank you. Can I
drive some more now?

Uh, well, let's let the helmsman
take the wheel for a while, huh?

Okay, I'll work these levers.

Oh, uh, uh...

Um, sir, may I
suggest that your family

might enjoy being out on deck?

Anything going on out there?

Well, I could arrange
something, sir.

Like what?

Well, uh, how about
a demonstration

of our armament system,

firepower capabilities,
defense and attack procedures.

Sounds all right; lead the way.

Well, Miss Hathaway,

you're certainly
making a mess of this.

We haven't gotten to one yacht.

The current's too strong, Chief.

If only you'd row for a while.

Miss Hathaway,

who owns the bank
where you work?

You do.

Who pays your salary?

Who signs your checks?

You do.

Then who rows?

I do.

Then get to it.

And one and two and...

Uncle Jed, you've
just got to buy this boat.

Why, you and me could
do some tall hunting

and fishing on this rascal.

Look at them explosions
throw that water in the air.

Don't seem like a very
sporting way to fish.

But I reckon when you
got all these men to feed,

you can't fool around
with no worm on a bent pin.

What are they shooting at?

High-flying birds, I reckon.

I wouldn't want to
have to cook 'em

when they get done with 'em.

Bye, fellas.

Thank you.

I hope the demonstration
was satisfactory, sir.

Well, I reckon you
done your best.

Well, yes, sir; we all did, sir.

Well, then, it's up to me
to make a decision, ain't it?

Yes, sir.

Just a minute.

You got them figures
wrote down, boy?

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

That there boat costs
$6,000 a day to operate.

She uses up 500
gallons of oil every hour

and them 250 hired hands

eats better than 600
pounds of food a day.

And she costs
three million dollars.

You gonna buy it?

I reckon not.

- What?
- Turn the car around.

But...

Young fella, I made up
my mind about your ship.

You have, sir?

Yep. I'm going to pass it.

He passed us.

He passed us! He passed us!

He's pretty happy for a
fella that just lost a sale.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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