The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 7 - Back to Marineland - full transcript
♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Chief, look who's
here to see you.
Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.
Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.
Sorry to bother you.
No, no, no, always a pleasure.
Sit down, sit down.
Well, this ain't
exactly a settin' visit.
All we want's a little
standing up time.
Well, what can I do for you?
Well, Jethro here
has got it into his head
he'd like to commence serving
what they call
his military hitch.
Yes, sir, I want to volunteer.
Well, very commendable,
very patriotic,
but I think the
government would prefer
that you finish
your education first.
Well, I done gone
clean through school.
Yeah, Jethro's
graduated sixth grade.
Yes, sir, highest in my class.
You, Jethro?
Yes, ma'am.
The other fellas are
no higher than this.
Jethro...
graduating from the sixth
grade is a fine accomplishment,
and we're all very
proud of you...
Well, thank you.
But there's more.
Right, Miss Hathaway?
Well, yes, indeed.
Junior high, high
school, college.
Yes, ma'am, we know there's
more education to be got,
but Jethro is anxious to
commence serving his country now,
and Granny's on his side.
Granny?
Yes, you see, Jethro
ain't got his full growth yet,
and the more he
grows, the more he eats.
And Granny is worn to a frazzle
keeping him let
out and filled up.
She says let the government
feed him for a spell.
He can serve his country
while his country serves him.
Of course, he can resume
his education when he gets out.
And by volunteering,
you can choose any
branch of the service you like.
Army, navy, marine corps,
air corps, coast guard.
Have you decided what
you'd like to be, Jethro?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
I want to be a spy.
A spy?
What ever gave you that notion?
Well, I seen this
movie about a spy.
Old double naught seven.
This rascal really had
himself some high old times.
Double naught seven?
Oh, you mean 007.
Yeah, you see, double
naught spies is what you call
irresistible to women.
This fella spent
most of his time
fighting and loving
and loving and fighting
and loving some more.
I see where you could
hold your own fighting,
but when it comes to loving,
you're greener than a gourd.
That's what you think.
Miss Jane, I'm going to have
to ask you to leave the room.
I could take notes.
Out.
Talk to you later, Jethro.
Sit down, boy.
Now then...
suppose you tell us about
this loving you been doing.
I ain't been doing no lovin'.
What?
Shucks, when it comes to loving,
I'm greener than a gourd.
But when your
Uncle Jed said that,
you replied, "That's
what you think."
Yes, sir.
That's what I think, too.
Get up, boy.
We won't be taking up no
more of your time, Mr. Drysdale.
Well, you can pick up
some recruiting pamphlets
at the post office.
They might be helpful.
Thank you, we'll do that.
You didn't miss
nothing, Miss Jane.
So I heard.
Je-Jethro...
I think you should forget about
becoming an intelligence agent.
Is that the same thing as a spy?
Yes. It's a dreadfully
dangerous occupation,
and I wouldn't want
anything to happen to you.
Oh, that's one
of the good things
about being a double naught spy.
You can get shot, stabbed,
blowed up drowned and everything.
The first thing you know,
they's back hugging
the girls again
good as new.
In the movies,
perhaps, but in real life...
Oh, excuse me, Miss Hathaway...
Are those papers
for my attention?
For Mr. Drysdale.
I'll take them.
Howdy. Howdy.
I'm gonna be a
double naught spy.
What's that?
Well, I'll show you.
Jethro!
What are you doing?
I'm spying.
Doing pretty good for not even
having my third number yet.
Turn her loose.
But... Turn her loose.
Sorry, ma'am. He don't
know what he's doing.
He sure had me fooled.
Out of my office,
you curvaceous flirt!
Yes, ma'am.
Come on, Uncle Jed.
Oh, but, Jethro, I
didn't mean... Out.
Granny, let's go swimming.
Swimming is for fish.
Besides, I got to
fix Jethro's britches.
I've done let them
out as far as they'll go,
and they still hit him
halfway up his drumsticks.
Maybe we could stretch them?
Maybe so.
Here, grab hold
of the ends here,
and we'll see if they've
got any give to them.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, they stretching
out real good...
Hold it! Hold up!
Them britches have
done give all they got.
Well, Granny, like you say...
Quick as Jethro joins
the army or something,
the government will keep him
in clothes and feed him, too.
That's right.
I do hope we're
doing the right thing
by sending Jethro
into the service.
It's like giving
the United States
another country to feed.
Jethro does set a
great store by his vittles.
Why, you know he kept Pa
waiting on the truck this morning
'cause he had to have
a snack before he left.
Jethro had to have a snack?
Well, he said he was going to.
The turkey.
My turkey!
I had a whole fresh
roasted turkey in here!
Jethro done snuck in, snitched
it, snacked it, an' snuck out!
By doggies, Jethro,
you're going to have a
time deciding what to be.
Soldier, sailor, coast
guard, marine, airman...
All pay top money, too.
Close to $20 a week.
I bet ya a spy makes
pretty near that much.
That's what I want to
be... A double naught spy.
I don't seen nothing in
these government folders
about joining the spies.
Besides, it always seemed to me
like kind of a sneaky
way to make a living.
Well, you ought to see
this movie about them.
Them double naughts
lives high on the hog.
Maybe the government
calls them intelligence agents,
like Miss Jane does.
I don't see nothing about
them in here neither.
Well, we can talk about it
over some noon day vittles.
Oh, good. I ain't had
nothing since breakfast,
but a little bitty old snack.
Here's something to
think about, Jethro...
Do spies eat as good
as soldiers and sailors?
Gee, I don't know.
This movie didn't
have much eating in it.
Mostly fighting and loving.
Well, you can't
keep that up for long
without eating something.
Another thing... do spies
get to wear fancy uniforms?
Gee, I don't know.
You could do with some new duds.
Them britches of yours look
like you're fixi" to wade a creek.
But spies gets lots
of other dandy things.
Like shoes with knives
that stick out of them,
and suicide pills
and cigarette lighters
that take pictures.
GRANNY: Well...
the food chute is back.
The one-man locust plague.
(cackles)
I bet you're hungry, ain't ya?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
What's for vittles, Granny?
Overlooked stew.
What's that?
I'm stewing everything
he overlooked.
And it ain't much.
Go fetch your cousin Elly.
She's swimming
in the cement pond.
No, no!
Go out the front way and around.
You ain't passing
my icebox again
without somebody
riding shotgun on ya.
You have done
snitched your last snack.
Now, Granny, all growing
boys eats between meals.
That one eats between bites.
Here's the outfit Jethro
ought to join up with.
The marines.
How come you picked them?
Well, at least
they can feed him.
They got fish ponds down there
the size of this house.
Down where?
Marineland.
Oh, yeah.
We went fishing down there once.
Right friendly bunch.
The fish wasn't so friendly.
Especially that big
goomer they called a whale.
Granny, you hadn't
ought to tried to catch him.
He was just too much fish
for one little woman like you.
The fish ain't been borned
that's too much for me.
All right, forget it.
I ain't about to forget it.
I vowed I'd come
back and get him,
and this is my chance.
When Jethro goes down
to join up with the marines,
I'm going with him.
Now hold on, Granny.
Jethro ain't said
he'd join the marines.
I said it for him.
Now, Granny, Jethro is
the one that's gonna serve,
and Jethro is the one
that's gonna chose.
And it ain't right for
you to try to force him
into the marines just so you can
get back at that fish, you hear?
Yes, sir, Jed.
I mean it.
Yes, sir, Jed.
You're the head of the clan.
I wouldn't go again' your word.
All right.
Let's go have some vittles.
You're right, Jed.
Anything you say.
Your word is law.
I'm just a poor old,
weak, obedient woman.
See how easy it is to swim?
Come on now, you try.
Oh, come on now, Skip.
It's, it's fun.
If Jethro goes in the service,
I ain't gonna have nobody
to swim with unless you learn.
Tell you what...
Got a whole bunch of
bananas hid in a tree.
If you'll try swimming, I'll
tell you what tree they's in.
Attaboy, Skip.
Come on, you'll
have enough bananas
to last you a whole week.
Elly May, come on into vittles.
Jethro, where did
you get them bananas?
Remember that big tree
we thought was an elm?
These was growing on it.
(angry chattering)
Them's Skipper's bananas!
A reward if he learned to swim.
Shucks, Elly, swimming's easy.
I could learn him in no time.
Why, I'd just pick him
up and throw him in.
That's the way
Uncle Jed learned me.
(snarling)
Attaboy, Skip.
Come on.
You're in for plenty
of trouble, boy!
You just pushed yourself
a double naught
intelligence agent!
Help Jethro to serve his country
the best he knows how.
Help him to be a good
soldier, a good sailor...
Whatever he decides to be.
Thank you. Amen.
Amen. Amen.
Pa, when Jethro
goes into service,
can I get me a
critter to swim with?
What kind of a critter?
A swimming critter.
I tried to learn Skip,
but he don't care about it.
There's lots of swimming
critters down to Marineland.
Granny.
I ain't talkin' to Jethro.
He ain't even here.
Talking to Elly.
Remember all them friendly
seals and porpoises and things?
I sure do.
Pa, could I get me one?
If Jethro was to join
up with the marines,
he could bring you one
home from Marineland.
Granny!
Well, he'd better join up
with something pretty quick,
or we're gonna starve to death.
Yeah, he didn't leave
nothing for this here stew.
The stew looks fine to me.
I reckon it tastes fine, too.
Now let's all
commence eating it,
and stop trying to push
Jethro into the service.
Of course, the
quicker he goes in,
the quicker he'll get out.
Hey, Granny, can I come in now?
Are you dry?
Yes, ma'am, I've
run till I'm bone dry.
All right, then.
Help yourself to
some stew, Jethro.
Thank you.
Hey, don't take it all.
Sit down and fill your bowl.
Oh, I can't, Uncle Jed.
These pants will cut me in two.
I'll eat just standing.
Why don't you go eat
over to the sink there.
Yes, sir.
Wait, you forgot your...
"Join the Marines"?
I wonder how that got there.
I wonder.
Greetings.
Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.
Oh, don't let me
disturb your lunch.
I... I just brought
a pinup picture
for our departing serviceman.
Pinup picture?
Yes.
You think it was too daring
of me to pose like that?
No, I reckon not.
The bear was dead... wasn't he?
Well, Jethro, have you
decided what you're going to be?
Well, yes, ma'am,
like I keep telling you,
I'm gonna be a
double naught spy.
Hey, Jethro, what's
a double naught spy?
It's a fella that
goes around fighting
and loving and
saving his country.
Well, how?
He gets other spies
to tell their secrets.
If it's a man spy, old double
naught's got to whup him.
And if it's a lady, well,
he hugs and kisses her,
and first thing you know,
she's blabbing secrets
to beat the band.
First off, we got to get him
out of that spy notion.
I have an idea.
What is it?
I will convince him he's
not qualified to be a spy.
And try to leave
me alone with him.
You gonna have some stew?
Ain't that what I just had?
Yeah, I reckon it was.
Oh, uh, Granny, Elly May,
you all come out
with me to the pantry.
I got something I
want to show you.
Right there, Jed.
You stay here with Miss Jane.
Hey, but Uncle
Jed, what about...
It ain't nothing to eat.
Oh.
Jethro. Yeah?
I'm going to give
you a spy test.
Well, hot dog!
Now, I have a very
important secret,
and you must get me
to tell you what it is,
but if you fail, you
cannot be a spy.
Okay... hey, let's pretend
we's meeting in
a foreign country.
That's where double
naughts hang out, mostly.
Very well.
Howdy.
Well, hello there.
You a spy?
Yes. Me, too.
You got any secrets?
Yes. What are they?
I won't tell.
Hmm, that's what
you think, baby.
Okay, let's have them.
No. No?
No.
We'll see about that.
(chuckling)
Okay, commence blabbing.
(clears throat)
No.
No again?
I refuse to tell my secrets.
Well, guess that
means I can't be a spy.
Well, don't give up so easily.
Well, I done kissed you
twice and hugged you to boot.
You-you've got to do everything
you can to make me talk.
You sure it's all
right with you?
I'm a spy.
We're to expect these things.
Well, you'll talk this
time, I guarantee it.
No, I won't.
Oh, yes, you will. Ha, ha.
Jethro!
You wouldn't strike a woman!
Well, gee, I don't
want to, Miss Jane,
but shuck-heckfire,
what else can a fella do?
Tsk, tsk. Someday I got to
have a long talk with that boy.
Come on, come on.
Time's a-wastin'.
Let's get to Marineland.
Granny, what's that rope for?
To lasso my whale.
He's too big for
a hook and line.
Now, Jethro, are you sure
joining the Marines is
what you want to do?
No, sir, what I want
to do is be a spy.
Miss Jane says I got
to graduate college first.
Shucks, by then I'll be
too old to do any of that
double naught hugging
and kissing or even fighting.
I'll be pert near 25.
Yeah, that's over
the hill all right.
Hey, Pa, can I fetch home me
a swimming critter
from Marineland?
We'll see, Elly.
Jethro ain't even joined yet.
Well, how about iff'n I
join the Marines, too?
Well, I'm afraid not, Elly.
It says here in the paper
that they can build men,
but I don't see how they
can build one out of you.
Roll on, Jethro.
(engine starting)
(truck creaking)
JED: Pull up here, Jethro.
Let's see what the sign says.
Hot dog, look at that!
Marines gets fed
six times a day.
Yeah, you ought to
be able to manage
on six squares a day, Jethro.
With a few snacks throwed in.
This is the outfit to
join up with, Jethro.
I wonder where I go
to volunteer, though.
There's a sign yonder
on that there fence.
Let's drive up there.
JETHRO: "Wanted: young
man for training and feeding."
That's me.
Wait a minute, there's
more on that sign now.
Uh, "must be expert diver."
Uncle Jed, if
they feed me right,
I'll give them any
kind of dives they want,
from belly flops to
double somersaults.
Here comes a young fella.
Maybe he can tell
you where to join up.
Well, can I help you folks?
Yes, sir.
Uh, yes, sir.
Uh, we was just reading
your sign there and, uh...
And this fine, young, handsome,
good-looking fella
is volunteering.
Well, good diver, are you?
Best in the whole world.
Now, Granny, let's
not stretch the truth.
He is at home in the water.
Ever worn a wet suit?
Well, shucks yeah, he had on
a wet suit just this morning.
That's right.
Well, let's talk about training.
You know, some of
these marine mammals
you'll be working
with are pretty smart.
Not as smart as Jethro.
Why, he's the finest,
bestest, most educated...
Now, Granny, uh,
let's stick to the truth.
Uh, the boy has
graduated school.
Highest in my class, too.
Jethro is a fine, upstanding,
honest, hardworking, young man.
Has he had any
feeding experience?
Mister, for his age,
I would put him up
against anybody in the world.
(chuckles) Glad to hear that.
We have six feedings a
day, seven on Sunday.
Ooh!
How soon can I get started?
Well, we got a
feeding just about now.
I'll get you some gear...
We'll see what you can do.
Hot diggity dog!
Oh, uh, you mind if we
go in with him for a minute
just to see he gets
started on the right foot?
Sure, go right in
through this gate.
ELLY MAY: Let me
off at the porpoises.
GRANNY: Find the whale pond.
ELLY MAY: Look at
those swimming critters!
Let me off.
(bleating)
I like you.
Quick as Jethro joins up,
I'm gonna see can
I take you home.
And I'm gonna put
you in the cement pond.
Me and you, we'll
learn Skipper to swim.
Do you like that,
huh? (bleating)
Well, I had a little trouble
finding gear to fit Jethro.
He's bigger than
the rest of our divers.
He's a husky boy all right.
Finally located one
of the old style suits
that was big enough.
Well, that's mighty nice of you
to do that for the boy.
Well, that's my job.
I'm general factotum.
See you later.
Yes, sir.
Well, doggies.
That's the closest I
ever been to a general.
Where are you, Mr. Whale?
Come on up so I
can get a look at you.
Don't be afraid.
It's just me, Granny.
I won't hurt you.
Where are you,
you big fraidy cat?
Come on up here, I dare you!
He's bigger than I remember!
Uncle Jed, it's me.
Jethro?
What are you
doing in that getup?
This is what that
fella told me to put on.
Well, I reckon you just
about got to do what he says.
He's a general.
Boy, I sure hope the marines
don't do much marching.
These shoes must
weigh a hundred pounds.
(metal clanking)
Good and stout, though.
Be a long time wearing
through them soles.
You ought to heft
this belt he gave me.
It weighs another hundred.
So does the dadblasted helmet.
Jethro, I wouldn't do a lot
of bellyaching right away.
The general went
to a lot of trouble
to find you one of them
suits that would fit you.
Yeah, well, he can have it back.
I'm plumb tuckered
out just walking here.
Maybe that's why they
feed you six times a day.
But Uncle Jed, look
what they gave me to eat.
Raw fish.
It's a right generous helping.
But, Uncle Jed, I
can't eat raw fish.
I'm sure the general
don't expect you to.
Well, what does he
expect me do with them?
Cook 'em.
Cook 'em?
Of course. Marines has got
to be able to do for theirselves.
Now the general
is just testing you.
Get busy.
(bleating) Iff'n can't
come home with me,
then I'm gonna stay
right here with you.
That's right, I'm with you.
You like it?
Let's play. Come on.
(bleating)
Have another one, Jethro?
There's plenty here.
No thanks, Uncle Jed.
That'll hold me till
the next feeding.
Snap to attention, Jethro.
Yonder comes the general.
Hey, help me up, help me up.
Well, what in the name of
Moby Dick is going on here?
Boy had hisself a mess of fish.
You mean you ate
those fish I gave you?!
Oh, no, sir, not all of 'em.
They's plenty left.
Jethro, stir up the fire
and cook the general a fish.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're not supposed
to cook those fish.
Oh, well, I reckon you can
blame that on me, General.
He might have ate them
raw if I'd have let him.
Oh, never mind.
Grab your helmet and
what's left of the fish
and follow me over to the tank.
You hear that, boy?
You ain't gonna have to
walk in them shoes after all.
The general's gonna
put you in a tank.
I've come back to make
friends with you, Mr. Whale.
Come on up and visit with me.
Come on, stick
your pretty head up.
I got ya!
Jethro, Elly May,
come see what I caught!
(yelling)
Jed! Jethro!
(yelling)
Fine family.
Everybody went in the water
except the one that
was supposed to.
But, Uncle Jed, if I'd have
gone in with them lead shoes
and belt and all, I'd
have sunk like a rock.
You're a chicken, Jethro.
Now I'll never get my whale.
Count your blessings, Granny.
You got the greatest
fish story ever told.
What you mean?
You're the first fisherman
that was ever throwed
back by the fish.
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Chief, look who's
here to see you.
Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.
Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.
Sorry to bother you.
No, no, no, always a pleasure.
Sit down, sit down.
Well, this ain't
exactly a settin' visit.
All we want's a little
standing up time.
Well, what can I do for you?
Well, Jethro here
has got it into his head
he'd like to commence serving
what they call
his military hitch.
Yes, sir, I want to volunteer.
Well, very commendable,
very patriotic,
but I think the
government would prefer
that you finish
your education first.
Well, I done gone
clean through school.
Yeah, Jethro's
graduated sixth grade.
Yes, sir, highest in my class.
You, Jethro?
Yes, ma'am.
The other fellas are
no higher than this.
Jethro...
graduating from the sixth
grade is a fine accomplishment,
and we're all very
proud of you...
Well, thank you.
But there's more.
Right, Miss Hathaway?
Well, yes, indeed.
Junior high, high
school, college.
Yes, ma'am, we know there's
more education to be got,
but Jethro is anxious to
commence serving his country now,
and Granny's on his side.
Granny?
Yes, you see, Jethro
ain't got his full growth yet,
and the more he
grows, the more he eats.
And Granny is worn to a frazzle
keeping him let
out and filled up.
She says let the government
feed him for a spell.
He can serve his country
while his country serves him.
Of course, he can resume
his education when he gets out.
And by volunteering,
you can choose any
branch of the service you like.
Army, navy, marine corps,
air corps, coast guard.
Have you decided what
you'd like to be, Jethro?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
I want to be a spy.
A spy?
What ever gave you that notion?
Well, I seen this
movie about a spy.
Old double naught seven.
This rascal really had
himself some high old times.
Double naught seven?
Oh, you mean 007.
Yeah, you see, double
naught spies is what you call
irresistible to women.
This fella spent
most of his time
fighting and loving
and loving and fighting
and loving some more.
I see where you could
hold your own fighting,
but when it comes to loving,
you're greener than a gourd.
That's what you think.
Miss Jane, I'm going to have
to ask you to leave the room.
I could take notes.
Out.
Talk to you later, Jethro.
Sit down, boy.
Now then...
suppose you tell us about
this loving you been doing.
I ain't been doing no lovin'.
What?
Shucks, when it comes to loving,
I'm greener than a gourd.
But when your
Uncle Jed said that,
you replied, "That's
what you think."
Yes, sir.
That's what I think, too.
Get up, boy.
We won't be taking up no
more of your time, Mr. Drysdale.
Well, you can pick up
some recruiting pamphlets
at the post office.
They might be helpful.
Thank you, we'll do that.
You didn't miss
nothing, Miss Jane.
So I heard.
Je-Jethro...
I think you should forget about
becoming an intelligence agent.
Is that the same thing as a spy?
Yes. It's a dreadfully
dangerous occupation,
and I wouldn't want
anything to happen to you.
Oh, that's one
of the good things
about being a double naught spy.
You can get shot, stabbed,
blowed up drowned and everything.
The first thing you know,
they's back hugging
the girls again
good as new.
In the movies,
perhaps, but in real life...
Oh, excuse me, Miss Hathaway...
Are those papers
for my attention?
For Mr. Drysdale.
I'll take them.
Howdy. Howdy.
I'm gonna be a
double naught spy.
What's that?
Well, I'll show you.
Jethro!
What are you doing?
I'm spying.
Doing pretty good for not even
having my third number yet.
Turn her loose.
But... Turn her loose.
Sorry, ma'am. He don't
know what he's doing.
He sure had me fooled.
Out of my office,
you curvaceous flirt!
Yes, ma'am.
Come on, Uncle Jed.
Oh, but, Jethro, I
didn't mean... Out.
Granny, let's go swimming.
Swimming is for fish.
Besides, I got to
fix Jethro's britches.
I've done let them
out as far as they'll go,
and they still hit him
halfway up his drumsticks.
Maybe we could stretch them?
Maybe so.
Here, grab hold
of the ends here,
and we'll see if they've
got any give to them.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, they stretching
out real good...
Hold it! Hold up!
Them britches have
done give all they got.
Well, Granny, like you say...
Quick as Jethro joins
the army or something,
the government will keep him
in clothes and feed him, too.
That's right.
I do hope we're
doing the right thing
by sending Jethro
into the service.
It's like giving
the United States
another country to feed.
Jethro does set a
great store by his vittles.
Why, you know he kept Pa
waiting on the truck this morning
'cause he had to have
a snack before he left.
Jethro had to have a snack?
Well, he said he was going to.
The turkey.
My turkey!
I had a whole fresh
roasted turkey in here!
Jethro done snuck in, snitched
it, snacked it, an' snuck out!
By doggies, Jethro,
you're going to have a
time deciding what to be.
Soldier, sailor, coast
guard, marine, airman...
All pay top money, too.
Close to $20 a week.
I bet ya a spy makes
pretty near that much.
That's what I want to
be... A double naught spy.
I don't seen nothing in
these government folders
about joining the spies.
Besides, it always seemed to me
like kind of a sneaky
way to make a living.
Well, you ought to see
this movie about them.
Them double naughts
lives high on the hog.
Maybe the government
calls them intelligence agents,
like Miss Jane does.
I don't see nothing about
them in here neither.
Well, we can talk about it
over some noon day vittles.
Oh, good. I ain't had
nothing since breakfast,
but a little bitty old snack.
Here's something to
think about, Jethro...
Do spies eat as good
as soldiers and sailors?
Gee, I don't know.
This movie didn't
have much eating in it.
Mostly fighting and loving.
Well, you can't
keep that up for long
without eating something.
Another thing... do spies
get to wear fancy uniforms?
Gee, I don't know.
You could do with some new duds.
Them britches of yours look
like you're fixi" to wade a creek.
But spies gets lots
of other dandy things.
Like shoes with knives
that stick out of them,
and suicide pills
and cigarette lighters
that take pictures.
GRANNY: Well...
the food chute is back.
The one-man locust plague.
(cackles)
I bet you're hungry, ain't ya?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
What's for vittles, Granny?
Overlooked stew.
What's that?
I'm stewing everything
he overlooked.
And it ain't much.
Go fetch your cousin Elly.
She's swimming
in the cement pond.
No, no!
Go out the front way and around.
You ain't passing
my icebox again
without somebody
riding shotgun on ya.
You have done
snitched your last snack.
Now, Granny, all growing
boys eats between meals.
That one eats between bites.
Here's the outfit Jethro
ought to join up with.
The marines.
How come you picked them?
Well, at least
they can feed him.
They got fish ponds down there
the size of this house.
Down where?
Marineland.
Oh, yeah.
We went fishing down there once.
Right friendly bunch.
The fish wasn't so friendly.
Especially that big
goomer they called a whale.
Granny, you hadn't
ought to tried to catch him.
He was just too much fish
for one little woman like you.
The fish ain't been borned
that's too much for me.
All right, forget it.
I ain't about to forget it.
I vowed I'd come
back and get him,
and this is my chance.
When Jethro goes down
to join up with the marines,
I'm going with him.
Now hold on, Granny.
Jethro ain't said
he'd join the marines.
I said it for him.
Now, Granny, Jethro is
the one that's gonna serve,
and Jethro is the one
that's gonna chose.
And it ain't right for
you to try to force him
into the marines just so you can
get back at that fish, you hear?
Yes, sir, Jed.
I mean it.
Yes, sir, Jed.
You're the head of the clan.
I wouldn't go again' your word.
All right.
Let's go have some vittles.
You're right, Jed.
Anything you say.
Your word is law.
I'm just a poor old,
weak, obedient woman.
See how easy it is to swim?
Come on now, you try.
Oh, come on now, Skip.
It's, it's fun.
If Jethro goes in the service,
I ain't gonna have nobody
to swim with unless you learn.
Tell you what...
Got a whole bunch of
bananas hid in a tree.
If you'll try swimming, I'll
tell you what tree they's in.
Attaboy, Skip.
Come on, you'll
have enough bananas
to last you a whole week.
Elly May, come on into vittles.
Jethro, where did
you get them bananas?
Remember that big tree
we thought was an elm?
These was growing on it.
(angry chattering)
Them's Skipper's bananas!
A reward if he learned to swim.
Shucks, Elly, swimming's easy.
I could learn him in no time.
Why, I'd just pick him
up and throw him in.
That's the way
Uncle Jed learned me.
(snarling)
Attaboy, Skip.
Come on.
You're in for plenty
of trouble, boy!
You just pushed yourself
a double naught
intelligence agent!
Help Jethro to serve his country
the best he knows how.
Help him to be a good
soldier, a good sailor...
Whatever he decides to be.
Thank you. Amen.
Amen. Amen.
Pa, when Jethro
goes into service,
can I get me a
critter to swim with?
What kind of a critter?
A swimming critter.
I tried to learn Skip,
but he don't care about it.
There's lots of swimming
critters down to Marineland.
Granny.
I ain't talkin' to Jethro.
He ain't even here.
Talking to Elly.
Remember all them friendly
seals and porpoises and things?
I sure do.
Pa, could I get me one?
If Jethro was to join
up with the marines,
he could bring you one
home from Marineland.
Granny!
Well, he'd better join up
with something pretty quick,
or we're gonna starve to death.
Yeah, he didn't leave
nothing for this here stew.
The stew looks fine to me.
I reckon it tastes fine, too.
Now let's all
commence eating it,
and stop trying to push
Jethro into the service.
Of course, the
quicker he goes in,
the quicker he'll get out.
Hey, Granny, can I come in now?
Are you dry?
Yes, ma'am, I've
run till I'm bone dry.
All right, then.
Help yourself to
some stew, Jethro.
Thank you.
Hey, don't take it all.
Sit down and fill your bowl.
Oh, I can't, Uncle Jed.
These pants will cut me in two.
I'll eat just standing.
Why don't you go eat
over to the sink there.
Yes, sir.
Wait, you forgot your...
"Join the Marines"?
I wonder how that got there.
I wonder.
Greetings.
Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.
Oh, don't let me
disturb your lunch.
I... I just brought
a pinup picture
for our departing serviceman.
Pinup picture?
Yes.
You think it was too daring
of me to pose like that?
No, I reckon not.
The bear was dead... wasn't he?
Well, Jethro, have you
decided what you're going to be?
Well, yes, ma'am,
like I keep telling you,
I'm gonna be a
double naught spy.
Hey, Jethro, what's
a double naught spy?
It's a fella that
goes around fighting
and loving and
saving his country.
Well, how?
He gets other spies
to tell their secrets.
If it's a man spy, old double
naught's got to whup him.
And if it's a lady, well,
he hugs and kisses her,
and first thing you know,
she's blabbing secrets
to beat the band.
First off, we got to get him
out of that spy notion.
I have an idea.
What is it?
I will convince him he's
not qualified to be a spy.
And try to leave
me alone with him.
You gonna have some stew?
Ain't that what I just had?
Yeah, I reckon it was.
Oh, uh, Granny, Elly May,
you all come out
with me to the pantry.
I got something I
want to show you.
Right there, Jed.
You stay here with Miss Jane.
Hey, but Uncle
Jed, what about...
It ain't nothing to eat.
Oh.
Jethro. Yeah?
I'm going to give
you a spy test.
Well, hot dog!
Now, I have a very
important secret,
and you must get me
to tell you what it is,
but if you fail, you
cannot be a spy.
Okay... hey, let's pretend
we's meeting in
a foreign country.
That's where double
naughts hang out, mostly.
Very well.
Howdy.
Well, hello there.
You a spy?
Yes. Me, too.
You got any secrets?
Yes. What are they?
I won't tell.
Hmm, that's what
you think, baby.
Okay, let's have them.
No. No?
No.
We'll see about that.
(chuckling)
Okay, commence blabbing.
(clears throat)
No.
No again?
I refuse to tell my secrets.
Well, guess that
means I can't be a spy.
Well, don't give up so easily.
Well, I done kissed you
twice and hugged you to boot.
You-you've got to do everything
you can to make me talk.
You sure it's all
right with you?
I'm a spy.
We're to expect these things.
Well, you'll talk this
time, I guarantee it.
No, I won't.
Oh, yes, you will. Ha, ha.
Jethro!
You wouldn't strike a woman!
Well, gee, I don't
want to, Miss Jane,
but shuck-heckfire,
what else can a fella do?
Tsk, tsk. Someday I got to
have a long talk with that boy.
Come on, come on.
Time's a-wastin'.
Let's get to Marineland.
Granny, what's that rope for?
To lasso my whale.
He's too big for
a hook and line.
Now, Jethro, are you sure
joining the Marines is
what you want to do?
No, sir, what I want
to do is be a spy.
Miss Jane says I got
to graduate college first.
Shucks, by then I'll be
too old to do any of that
double naught hugging
and kissing or even fighting.
I'll be pert near 25.
Yeah, that's over
the hill all right.
Hey, Pa, can I fetch home me
a swimming critter
from Marineland?
We'll see, Elly.
Jethro ain't even joined yet.
Well, how about iff'n I
join the Marines, too?
Well, I'm afraid not, Elly.
It says here in the paper
that they can build men,
but I don't see how they
can build one out of you.
Roll on, Jethro.
(engine starting)
(truck creaking)
JED: Pull up here, Jethro.
Let's see what the sign says.
Hot dog, look at that!
Marines gets fed
six times a day.
Yeah, you ought to
be able to manage
on six squares a day, Jethro.
With a few snacks throwed in.
This is the outfit to
join up with, Jethro.
I wonder where I go
to volunteer, though.
There's a sign yonder
on that there fence.
Let's drive up there.
JETHRO: "Wanted: young
man for training and feeding."
That's me.
Wait a minute, there's
more on that sign now.
Uh, "must be expert diver."
Uncle Jed, if
they feed me right,
I'll give them any
kind of dives they want,
from belly flops to
double somersaults.
Here comes a young fella.
Maybe he can tell
you where to join up.
Well, can I help you folks?
Yes, sir.
Uh, yes, sir.
Uh, we was just reading
your sign there and, uh...
And this fine, young, handsome,
good-looking fella
is volunteering.
Well, good diver, are you?
Best in the whole world.
Now, Granny, let's
not stretch the truth.
He is at home in the water.
Ever worn a wet suit?
Well, shucks yeah, he had on
a wet suit just this morning.
That's right.
Well, let's talk about training.
You know, some of
these marine mammals
you'll be working
with are pretty smart.
Not as smart as Jethro.
Why, he's the finest,
bestest, most educated...
Now, Granny, uh,
let's stick to the truth.
Uh, the boy has
graduated school.
Highest in my class, too.
Jethro is a fine, upstanding,
honest, hardworking, young man.
Has he had any
feeding experience?
Mister, for his age,
I would put him up
against anybody in the world.
(chuckles) Glad to hear that.
We have six feedings a
day, seven on Sunday.
Ooh!
How soon can I get started?
Well, we got a
feeding just about now.
I'll get you some gear...
We'll see what you can do.
Hot diggity dog!
Oh, uh, you mind if we
go in with him for a minute
just to see he gets
started on the right foot?
Sure, go right in
through this gate.
ELLY MAY: Let me
off at the porpoises.
GRANNY: Find the whale pond.
ELLY MAY: Look at
those swimming critters!
Let me off.
(bleating)
I like you.
Quick as Jethro joins up,
I'm gonna see can
I take you home.
And I'm gonna put
you in the cement pond.
Me and you, we'll
learn Skipper to swim.
Do you like that,
huh? (bleating)
Well, I had a little trouble
finding gear to fit Jethro.
He's bigger than
the rest of our divers.
He's a husky boy all right.
Finally located one
of the old style suits
that was big enough.
Well, that's mighty nice of you
to do that for the boy.
Well, that's my job.
I'm general factotum.
See you later.
Yes, sir.
Well, doggies.
That's the closest I
ever been to a general.
Where are you, Mr. Whale?
Come on up so I
can get a look at you.
Don't be afraid.
It's just me, Granny.
I won't hurt you.
Where are you,
you big fraidy cat?
Come on up here, I dare you!
He's bigger than I remember!
Uncle Jed, it's me.
Jethro?
What are you
doing in that getup?
This is what that
fella told me to put on.
Well, I reckon you just
about got to do what he says.
He's a general.
Boy, I sure hope the marines
don't do much marching.
These shoes must
weigh a hundred pounds.
(metal clanking)
Good and stout, though.
Be a long time wearing
through them soles.
You ought to heft
this belt he gave me.
It weighs another hundred.
So does the dadblasted helmet.
Jethro, I wouldn't do a lot
of bellyaching right away.
The general went
to a lot of trouble
to find you one of them
suits that would fit you.
Yeah, well, he can have it back.
I'm plumb tuckered
out just walking here.
Maybe that's why they
feed you six times a day.
But Uncle Jed, look
what they gave me to eat.
Raw fish.
It's a right generous helping.
But, Uncle Jed, I
can't eat raw fish.
I'm sure the general
don't expect you to.
Well, what does he
expect me do with them?
Cook 'em.
Cook 'em?
Of course. Marines has got
to be able to do for theirselves.
Now the general
is just testing you.
Get busy.
(bleating) Iff'n can't
come home with me,
then I'm gonna stay
right here with you.
That's right, I'm with you.
You like it?
Let's play. Come on.
(bleating)
Have another one, Jethro?
There's plenty here.
No thanks, Uncle Jed.
That'll hold me till
the next feeding.
Snap to attention, Jethro.
Yonder comes the general.
Hey, help me up, help me up.
Well, what in the name of
Moby Dick is going on here?
Boy had hisself a mess of fish.
You mean you ate
those fish I gave you?!
Oh, no, sir, not all of 'em.
They's plenty left.
Jethro, stir up the fire
and cook the general a fish.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're not supposed
to cook those fish.
Oh, well, I reckon you can
blame that on me, General.
He might have ate them
raw if I'd have let him.
Oh, never mind.
Grab your helmet and
what's left of the fish
and follow me over to the tank.
You hear that, boy?
You ain't gonna have to
walk in them shoes after all.
The general's gonna
put you in a tank.
I've come back to make
friends with you, Mr. Whale.
Come on up and visit with me.
Come on, stick
your pretty head up.
I got ya!
Jethro, Elly May,
come see what I caught!
(yelling)
Jed! Jethro!
(yelling)
Fine family.
Everybody went in the water
except the one that
was supposed to.
But, Uncle Jed, if I'd have
gone in with them lead shoes
and belt and all, I'd
have sunk like a rock.
You're a chicken, Jethro.
Now I'll never get my whale.
Count your blessings, Granny.
You got the greatest
fish story ever told.
What you mean?
You're the first fisherman
that was ever throwed
back by the fish.
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.