The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 6 - Jed the Heartbreaker - full transcript
♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
That's it, Clyde, wash 'em good.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
Look at that little rascal go.
Raccoons are right
fond of washing things.
JETHRO: Are you going to teach
him to wash regular-sized dishes?
ELLY MAY: Well, of course I am.
Then I won't have to do 'em.
If you could learn
him to wash cars,
we could make some money.
Now, young'uns, we're gonna
be walking on eggs today,
'cause Granny
is in one of her...
What in tarnation is...
I'm learning this here
raccoon to wash dishes.
Get him out of here, Elly.
Of all days not to rile
up Granny, this is it.
Granny might like to have
herself a dishwashing critter.
Granny ain't in no mood
to like nothing today.
She's in one of her
cantankerous moods,
and she's spoiling for a fight.
Now, Elly May, get him outside.
I'm sorry, Clyde.
Oh, wait a minute,
here she comes.
Get him out of sight.
Where will I hide him?
Put him in here,
Elly, it's empty.
You be real still, and
I'll sneak you outside.
Everybody mind
your own business.
Be real quiet, don't give her
nothing to start a scrap about.
Ain't nobody even gonna
speak to poor old Granny?
Good morning, Granny.
What's good about it?!
Well, the sun is shining,
and it ain't rainin'.
What have you got again' rain?
You want this whole place
to dry up and be a desert?
The farmers need rain.
What are you, a farmer hater?
No, ma'am.
A lizard lover?
No, ma'am.
Then what are
you?! Shh. Be quiet.
Who you tellin' to be quiet?!
Nobody.
Are you taking his side
again' me? No, ma'am.
Are you taking my side
again' him? No, ma'am.
Why not? Ain't I right?
Well, yes, ma'am.
Then that makes you
on my side. Yes, ma'am.
Well, get off of it!
Come on, Elly, I'll help
you tote this pot outside.
I'll help too, Elly.
Just a doggone minute.
What's in that pot?
Uh... vittles, Granny.
Then why are you
toting them outside?
Well, they's a mite underdone,
so we is giving
them to the critters.
Not so fast!
Who says they's underdone?
I reckon I do.
Well, I say they's
just right. Okay.
Give me that pot. I'm hungry.
Now, Granny,
take my word for it,
them vittles ain't
cooked enough.
I say they is.
No, they ain't. Yes, they is!
Well?
I win. They is just right...
for a picnic.
When Granny's
spoilin' for a fight,
she's sure gonna have one.
Boy, that's the truth.
I have known that little woman
to grow a couple
of stalks of cotton
just she could scrap
with the boll weevils.
(phone ringing) Oh, I'll get it.
Howdy.
Oh, just a minute, I'll ask.
Hey, is Granny cooking lye soap?
Yeah. Why?
Yes, ma'am, that's
what you smell.
(laughing)
Yes, ma'am, you do that.
And bye.
That's gonna get the fighting
out of Granny's system.
What is? Who was that?
Oh, that was Mrs. Drysdale.
She says that she's going
to throw Granny's soap kettle
into the cement pond.
Let's go watch the fun, Elly.
Now hold on.
You young'uns stay here.
I'll go see if I
can head her off.
(dove cooing)
What was that you said?
(cooing)
Take it back or I'll
stuff a pillow with ya.
GRANNY: I ain't taki"
no lip nor no beak neither.
(kettle contents bubbling)
Get that vile mess out of here!
Well, Mrs. Drysdale.
What was that you
said again, honey?
I said get that vile
mess out of here!
I thought that's what you said.
(humming tune)
Don't stand there making
that ridiculous noise.
Do as I tell you,
or I'll dump it in the
pool and you after it.
Keep talking, honey.
I want you to have
a full head of steam
when I tap your boiler. Oh...
JED: Mrs. Drysdale.
Mrs. Drysdale... She's
mine, Jed, all mine.
Leave her be.
Granny, you don't
want to fight her
with your sweater on, do you?
No. Help me take it off.
What are you doing?!
Unhand me, you ruffian!
Bring her back! You promised!
Let me... Ah, there she is.
Oh! Oh!
I demand you release me!
I will, ma'am, as
soon as I get you safe
on your side of the hedge
and get Granny cooled down.
(groaning)
Sounds like half
my work is done.
Milburn, I want those
hillbillies evicted,
dispossessed.
MRS. DRYSDALE: They must
be driven from our neighborhood.
And I mean now, immediately!
No more excuses.
I will not tolerate
them any longer.
I don't care how much
money they have in your bank.
Milburn, where are you hiding?!
Come out and face
me, you coward!
M-Mrs. Drysdale...
Where is that miserable,
money-grubbing peasant?
I refuse to recognize
my employer
by that odious appellation.
(sobbing): Oh,
everybody is against me.
I have to fight alone
to save Beverly Hills
from the blight of
those barbarians.
Where is Milburn?
Mr. Drysdale is flying
to San Francisco.
He tried to call you,
but you were next
door at the Clampetts'.
Yes, being abused,
humiliated and manhandled!
Manhandled? By whom?
Mr. Clampett!
He grabbed me in the
most savage manner
and literally dragged
me like a caveman!
My arms still ache
from his brutal assault!
Mrs. Drysdale,
Mr. Clampett may be
rough in appearance,
but he's the very
essence of a gentleman...
the soul of chivalry.
He is the essence
of uncouth behavior
and the soul of depravity.
Did you hear what
happened at his studio
when an overzealous
actress threw herself at him?
I certainly did not.
And it all sounds
terribly sordid.
What happened?
Well, he found out that
she was a married woman.
And his sense of
honor is so great
that be refuses to go
near his own studio
so long as she's there.
Hmm. Really?
Uh, Miss Hathaway,
I've been quite shaken
by my ordeal.
Might I have some tea?
Of course. Sit down.
I'll prepare it immediately.
Marie, please see that
my new Paris creation
is pressed and summon
my beautician and masseurs.
Oh, and, Marie, I want to
borrow some of that perfume
that you find so devastatingly
irresistible to men.
No, it is not for Mr. Drysdale.
I'm going to throw
myself at Mr. Clampett.
What?
Of course I'm able
to drive home myself.
Pa!
Pa, come quick!
Granny's sinkin' fast! What?
She's took to bed
with double pneumonia
and pond water poisoning!
She never even got good and wet
before I got her
out of that pond.
Well, come on, Pa, she's
about to breathe her last!
Granny's just trying
to get back at me
for spoiling her scrap
with Mrs. Drysdale.
GRANNY: Elly!
You hear that, Pa?
She's terrible sick.
She says her time has come,
and she wants her family
around her when she goes.
Jethro!
Hurry, Pa, hurry!
ELLY MAY: We's comin', Granny!
Oh, I'm sinkin' fast!
Everything's gettin' dark!
Where are my kinfolks?
Hang on, Granny,
they's a-comin'.
Is there anything
I can do for ya?
No, child, I'm past mortal help.
Granny, what's all this nonsense
about you taking to your bed?
Elly, ain't your pa comin'?
I'm right here, Granny.
Elly, if he gets here too late,
give him a dying message for me.
I'm right here.
Tell him I forgive him
for taking Mrs.
Drysdale's side again' me.
I didn't do that.
Tell him I forgive him
for tying my arms down
and throwing me in the
cement pond to drown.
Granny, you fell
in. I pulled you out.
Tell him he got his wish.
I died from a broken heart.
I thought it was
double pneumonia.
Tell him don't waste
no money on a pine box.
Just throw together
some scrap wood
and dump me in.
Granny, don't say those things!
Careful, Elly, you'll catch
pond water poisoning.
Besides, I got to measure
your granny for a box.
Let's see now...
We got a couple
of old egg crates
down in the basement.
Reckon they'd...
Uh-oh, nope, afraid not.
Elly, reckon your
granny would mind
getting put away
kind of doubled up?
Granny, don't listen to him!
It's all right, child.
I'm too weak to hear him.
I'm breathing my
last feeble breath.
Uncle Jed, guess who's
downstairs waiting for you?
All gussied up and
sweet-smelling, too.
Mrs. Drysdale.
Who?! Mrs. Drysdale.
Why, that fat, old stewin' hen!
Let me...!
Lay back down. You're dying.
I'm dying to belt her one!
Let me at her!
Hold her down, young'uns.
Steady, Margaret, steady.
All you have to
do is flirt with him.
Surely it's worth that
to get him to move.
(voice echoing): But
suppose he doesn't retreat
from your advances?
(normal voice):
What? Oh, rubbish.
If he retreated from a
glamorous movie actress,
he'll surely retreat from me.
(echoing): You're
playing with dynamite.
(normal voice): Listen,
to get these peasants to move,
I'd dance the Watusi
with a keg of nitroglycerin.
Who you talking
to, Mrs. Drysdale?
Oh, Mr. Clampett!
I uh, suppose you
think it's terribly bold
and daring of me to come
over here alone like this.
Oh, no, not at all.
Granny's safe up in her bedroom
and the young'uns is
up there watching her.
It isn't Granny I'm afraid of.
It's myself... my feelings,
the emotions that are
raging inside of me.
Oh, forget it, Mrs. Drysdale.
Even if you was to
tangle with Granny,
you couldn't hurt her.
She's little, but she's wiry.
I have no intention of
tangling with Granny.
The only entanglement
I fear is you and me.
Mrs. Drysdale, I wouldn't
hurt you for the world.
Let go, you young whelps!
Ain't you got no respect?
Can't you see I got
one foot in my grave?
No, but I can sure feel the
other one in my stomach.
If we doesn't let go, Granny,
you'll go down and
whomp Mrs. Drysdale.
(groaning)
I'm fading away again.
I'm breathing my last.
Elly May, quick, run
down and fetch my tonic.
Maybe I can hang
on a mite longer.
Yes'm, Granny.
(groaning)
Jethro, open them doors
so I can see the sky
and the trees when I go.
Well, where you going?
I'm fixing to cross
the River Jordan.
In your nightclothes?
I'm leaving this vale of tears.
I'm gonna join the angels.
Well, they's doing
better than the Dodgers.
I'm dying, you big lummox!
No, you ain't, Granny.
You'll feel fine
just as soon as Elly
fetches your tonic for you.
She'll get the wrong bottle.
She ain't smart
like you, Jethro.
Shucks, she ain't
had education like me.
I should have sent you.
You'd have got the right
bottle 'cause you're smart.
That's true.
Hurry.
Stop Elly from getting
the wrong bottle.
Okay.
Hey, wait a minute.
Whilst I'm gone,
who's to stop you
from going downstairs and
whomping Mrs. Drysdale?
Oh, a smart boy like you knows
how to stop me from
doing that, Jethro.
I do?
Why, of course.
We'll lock the door
so I can't get out.
Yeah, that'll do it.
You go on outside,
and I'll lock the door.
Okay, now, don't think you
can trick me now, Granny.
I'll be out there listening
to hear you turn that key.
You're the smart one, Jethro.
(clicking)
Did you hear that?
Yes, ma'am.
Now, then, Mrs. Drysdale.
I was right!
I just figured out, if
you could lock that door
from the inside, you
could unlock it, too.
(chuckling)
You and your education.
Let me out of here!
Let me out of here, you...
Come on, Granny,
you're going back to bed.
Put me down, you-you...
Now, Elly, don't you
fret about your granny.
She's healthy as a bobcat
and twice as scrappy.
Now, you keep her in her room
till Mrs. Drysdale goes.
How long's she gonna be here?
I don't know, Elly.
She keeps acting like she
wants to tell me something,
but she seems ashamed to say it.
Now, you run up to your granny.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Are we alone now, Jed?
Yes, ma'am.
Have you guessed what it is
I've been trying to tell you?
No, ma'am.
Can't you tell just
by looking at me?
Afraid not.
Then, I must tell you.
This burden is more
than I can carry alone.
It weighs too heavily on me.
I can hide it no longer.
I'm infatuated.
Well, shucks,
ma'am, if that's all
that's been bothering
you, forget it.
You're just pleasingly plump.
Oh, could, uh...
could we sit down?
You betcha.
That's the ticket.
There you are.
Oh, don't let go, please!
Oh, Mrs. Drysdale, don't worry.
This bench will hold your
weight and then some.
There, you see?
Now, I'll just drag
up this chair over...
Uh, can't you, uh,
sit here beside me?
Of course.
You don't take
up more than half.
There... now you feel better?
I'd feel much better
if you could put
your arm around me.
Mrs. Drysdale, I could
put my arm around you
and have half of it left over.
You got to stop
worrying about being fat.
You city women fret more
about extra pounds
here and there...
Mr. Clampett... uh, uh, uh, Jed,
I've been trying to
tell you something
in a subtle manner, and
I'm getting nowhere with it.
Very well.
I'll show you how I feel.
Now do you know what
I've been talking about?
I do for a fact.
You're plumb shutting
off the blood to my leg.
Please come down
and cook some vittles.
I'm starving.
Hey, looky here.
I done took three
hitches in my rope.
I told you, I ain't
stirring out of this chair
until your Uncle
Jed comes in here
and answers me some questions.
Like what, Granny?
Like the hanky-panky
that's going on
betwixt you and Mrs. Drysdale.
And Jethro, leave
the room. Aw, Granny.
I don't know what hanky-panky
you're talking about.
And Jethro, stay here.
Thank you, Uncle Jed.
I'm talking about
the hanky-panky
that went on downstairs,
and I had to be locked
in upstairs not to see.
And Jethro, leave
the room. Aw, Granny.
You was locked in
upstairs so you wouldn't
go downstairs and
whomp that poor woman.
And Jethro, stay here.
Thank you, Uncle Jed.
Then, why did she
come to see you
all gussied up and
smelling of perfume?
And Jethro, leave
the room. Aw, Granny.
Mrs. Drysdale come here
to unburden her mind
to me about something.
And Jethro, leave the room.
Thank you, Uncle Jed.
Leave?
Leave.
I ain't even sure I
ought to tell Granny
about Mrs. Drysdale's problem,
but I know she'll
pester me till I do.
I'll pester you, too.
Out! Out!
"Out, out."
Like a little kid that
doesn't know the score.
I done graduated
the sixth grade!
Now, Jed, what's Mrs.
Drysdale's problem?
Well, Granny, she thinks
she's a mite overweight.
A mite overweight?
To tell me that, you sent
Jethro out of the room.
Well, you know him
and his big mouth.
And to tell you
that, Mrs. Drysdale
got dressed to the nines
and pickled in perfume?
That's the truth, Granny.
Who do you think
you're greening, Jed?
Has that woman
took a shine to you?
Granny. Don't you "Granny" me.
I remember you
when you was the Lady
Killer of Cass County.
Granny, that was 25 years ago.
It was only two days ago
that that movie actress
throwed herself at you.
You had it then,
and you got it now.
And I want to know
what you're doing with it.
Hey, Uncle Jed, Mrs.
Drysdale's waiting downstairs
to see you again and
smelling sweeter than ever, too.
(chuckling)
Nothing betwixt you, huh?
Well, if you won't talk,
I'll wring it out of her!
Grab her, Jethro.
What do you want
me to do with her?
Keep her in her rocking
chair till I get back.
Yes, sir.
Put me down!
Elly May, wouldn't
you like to go back
to the hills where your
critters can run wild again?
Oh, yes, ma'am, I sure would.
And Granny would, too.
Pa, too, I think, but he won't
'cause him and your husband
is such good friends
and neighbors.
Don't give up hope, Elly.
Well, howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.
My, don't you
look slim and nice.
(chuckles) Thank you.
Elly May, could we be alone?
Why, sure, come on outside.
No, child.
It's your father I
want to be alone with.
Oh, well, Clyde and
me will go outside.
You, uh, want to
be alone with me?
Yes, you handsome,
irresistible brute.
I'm through with
hints and subtleties.
I must tell you how I feel!
Jethro, you're much too smart
to waste your time
holding me like this.
I am?
Well, of course.
Smart boy like you
would figure out how
to tie me in this chair
with a piece of rope.
Well, I ain't got no rope.
Smart boy like you
would figure out how
to use that rope
around your waste.
Yeah, I could do that.
You're so much
smarter than Elly May,
it ain't even close.
Well, shucks, she ain't
had the education like me.
Whoa!
See you later, brains!
Granny, come back here!
Mrs. Drysdale, please
get ahold of yourself.
Nothing betwixt you, huh?
You're right.
Ain't room for nothing.
Jed, darling!
Come back, you're mine!
Cass County
Killer is at it again.
Mr. Drysdale...
Mr. Drysdale, I got to see you.
What happened was
my fault, Mr. Drysdale.
Now, please don't
blame your wife.
She's a fine woman.
And don't worry, we's
moving back to the hills.
I just thought I'd come by
and give you a chance
to satisfy your honor.
Mr. Drysdale isn't here.
We're quite alone, Mr. Clampett.
Now, if you'll please...
Stand back, Miss Jane,
for your own safety.
What do you mean?
Something I thought
was buried 25 years ago
in Cass County has
showed up to haunt me.
Mr. Clampett...
Please, please, I can't
go through all that again.
First that movie actress,
then Mrs. Drysdale.
Now you.
Wait a minute.
Suppose you sit down
and tell me everything.
Yeah, I reckon I'd better.
It's weighing on
me something awful.
You don't have to help
no more, Mrs. Drysdale.
You best go home
before Jed gets back.
Oh, but I want to help.
I'm so grateful to you for
moving back to the hills
and taking temptation
out of my reach.
What a man.
You was fooling with
the Cass County Killer.
I sure do thank you, Miss Jane.
I reckon I can handle
it from here. Good luck.
We're pert near
loaded, Uncle Jed.
How many critters
can I take with me, Pa?
Oh, round up as many
as can hang on safe.
Come help me, Jethro.
Oh, Jed, you're back.
This is pert near everything.
Yep, better have a last
look around, Granny.
Well, I guess
this is it, uh, Jed.
Sure is.
Uh, hop on, Maggie.
Maggie?
Is that one of Elly
May's little critters?
No, ma'am, Maggie is all mine.
You mean me?
I sure do, honey bun.
Get in the front seat
so we can snuggle.
It's a long ride
back to my cabin.
Your cabin?
Well, now, you didn't think
I was gonna leave
you here, sweetie pie,
you being crazy
mad for me and all?
Now, wait a minute!
You'll love it back in
Cass County, darling.
You can eat all you want.
We'll be happy as two
hogs in the mud waller.
Let go of me!
What's the matter, sweetheart?
Don't call me that!
Milburn, help!
Milburn!
Lover lamb, come back!
(chuckling)
I thought 25 years was too long.
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
That's it, Clyde, wash 'em good.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
Look at that little rascal go.
Raccoons are right
fond of washing things.
JETHRO: Are you going to teach
him to wash regular-sized dishes?
ELLY MAY: Well, of course I am.
Then I won't have to do 'em.
If you could learn
him to wash cars,
we could make some money.
Now, young'uns, we're gonna
be walking on eggs today,
'cause Granny
is in one of her...
What in tarnation is...
I'm learning this here
raccoon to wash dishes.
Get him out of here, Elly.
Of all days not to rile
up Granny, this is it.
Granny might like to have
herself a dishwashing critter.
Granny ain't in no mood
to like nothing today.
She's in one of her
cantankerous moods,
and she's spoiling for a fight.
Now, Elly May, get him outside.
I'm sorry, Clyde.
Oh, wait a minute,
here she comes.
Get him out of sight.
Where will I hide him?
Put him in here,
Elly, it's empty.
You be real still, and
I'll sneak you outside.
Everybody mind
your own business.
Be real quiet, don't give her
nothing to start a scrap about.
Ain't nobody even gonna
speak to poor old Granny?
Good morning, Granny.
What's good about it?!
Well, the sun is shining,
and it ain't rainin'.
What have you got again' rain?
You want this whole place
to dry up and be a desert?
The farmers need rain.
What are you, a farmer hater?
No, ma'am.
A lizard lover?
No, ma'am.
Then what are
you?! Shh. Be quiet.
Who you tellin' to be quiet?!
Nobody.
Are you taking his side
again' me? No, ma'am.
Are you taking my side
again' him? No, ma'am.
Why not? Ain't I right?
Well, yes, ma'am.
Then that makes you
on my side. Yes, ma'am.
Well, get off of it!
Come on, Elly, I'll help
you tote this pot outside.
I'll help too, Elly.
Just a doggone minute.
What's in that pot?
Uh... vittles, Granny.
Then why are you
toting them outside?
Well, they's a mite underdone,
so we is giving
them to the critters.
Not so fast!
Who says they's underdone?
I reckon I do.
Well, I say they's
just right. Okay.
Give me that pot. I'm hungry.
Now, Granny,
take my word for it,
them vittles ain't
cooked enough.
I say they is.
No, they ain't. Yes, they is!
Well?
I win. They is just right...
for a picnic.
When Granny's
spoilin' for a fight,
she's sure gonna have one.
Boy, that's the truth.
I have known that little woman
to grow a couple
of stalks of cotton
just she could scrap
with the boll weevils.
(phone ringing) Oh, I'll get it.
Howdy.
Oh, just a minute, I'll ask.
Hey, is Granny cooking lye soap?
Yeah. Why?
Yes, ma'am, that's
what you smell.
(laughing)
Yes, ma'am, you do that.
And bye.
That's gonna get the fighting
out of Granny's system.
What is? Who was that?
Oh, that was Mrs. Drysdale.
She says that she's going
to throw Granny's soap kettle
into the cement pond.
Let's go watch the fun, Elly.
Now hold on.
You young'uns stay here.
I'll go see if I
can head her off.
(dove cooing)
What was that you said?
(cooing)
Take it back or I'll
stuff a pillow with ya.
GRANNY: I ain't taki"
no lip nor no beak neither.
(kettle contents bubbling)
Get that vile mess out of here!
Well, Mrs. Drysdale.
What was that you
said again, honey?
I said get that vile
mess out of here!
I thought that's what you said.
(humming tune)
Don't stand there making
that ridiculous noise.
Do as I tell you,
or I'll dump it in the
pool and you after it.
Keep talking, honey.
I want you to have
a full head of steam
when I tap your boiler. Oh...
JED: Mrs. Drysdale.
Mrs. Drysdale... She's
mine, Jed, all mine.
Leave her be.
Granny, you don't
want to fight her
with your sweater on, do you?
No. Help me take it off.
What are you doing?!
Unhand me, you ruffian!
Bring her back! You promised!
Let me... Ah, there she is.
Oh! Oh!
I demand you release me!
I will, ma'am, as
soon as I get you safe
on your side of the hedge
and get Granny cooled down.
(groaning)
Sounds like half
my work is done.
Milburn, I want those
hillbillies evicted,
dispossessed.
MRS. DRYSDALE: They must
be driven from our neighborhood.
And I mean now, immediately!
No more excuses.
I will not tolerate
them any longer.
I don't care how much
money they have in your bank.
Milburn, where are you hiding?!
Come out and face
me, you coward!
M-Mrs. Drysdale...
Where is that miserable,
money-grubbing peasant?
I refuse to recognize
my employer
by that odious appellation.
(sobbing): Oh,
everybody is against me.
I have to fight alone
to save Beverly Hills
from the blight of
those barbarians.
Where is Milburn?
Mr. Drysdale is flying
to San Francisco.
He tried to call you,
but you were next
door at the Clampetts'.
Yes, being abused,
humiliated and manhandled!
Manhandled? By whom?
Mr. Clampett!
He grabbed me in the
most savage manner
and literally dragged
me like a caveman!
My arms still ache
from his brutal assault!
Mrs. Drysdale,
Mr. Clampett may be
rough in appearance,
but he's the very
essence of a gentleman...
the soul of chivalry.
He is the essence
of uncouth behavior
and the soul of depravity.
Did you hear what
happened at his studio
when an overzealous
actress threw herself at him?
I certainly did not.
And it all sounds
terribly sordid.
What happened?
Well, he found out that
she was a married woman.
And his sense of
honor is so great
that be refuses to go
near his own studio
so long as she's there.
Hmm. Really?
Uh, Miss Hathaway,
I've been quite shaken
by my ordeal.
Might I have some tea?
Of course. Sit down.
I'll prepare it immediately.
Marie, please see that
my new Paris creation
is pressed and summon
my beautician and masseurs.
Oh, and, Marie, I want to
borrow some of that perfume
that you find so devastatingly
irresistible to men.
No, it is not for Mr. Drysdale.
I'm going to throw
myself at Mr. Clampett.
What?
Of course I'm able
to drive home myself.
Pa!
Pa, come quick!
Granny's sinkin' fast! What?
She's took to bed
with double pneumonia
and pond water poisoning!
She never even got good and wet
before I got her
out of that pond.
Well, come on, Pa, she's
about to breathe her last!
Granny's just trying
to get back at me
for spoiling her scrap
with Mrs. Drysdale.
GRANNY: Elly!
You hear that, Pa?
She's terrible sick.
She says her time has come,
and she wants her family
around her when she goes.
Jethro!
Hurry, Pa, hurry!
ELLY MAY: We's comin', Granny!
Oh, I'm sinkin' fast!
Everything's gettin' dark!
Where are my kinfolks?
Hang on, Granny,
they's a-comin'.
Is there anything
I can do for ya?
No, child, I'm past mortal help.
Granny, what's all this nonsense
about you taking to your bed?
Elly, ain't your pa comin'?
I'm right here, Granny.
Elly, if he gets here too late,
give him a dying message for me.
I'm right here.
Tell him I forgive him
for taking Mrs.
Drysdale's side again' me.
I didn't do that.
Tell him I forgive him
for tying my arms down
and throwing me in the
cement pond to drown.
Granny, you fell
in. I pulled you out.
Tell him he got his wish.
I died from a broken heart.
I thought it was
double pneumonia.
Tell him don't waste
no money on a pine box.
Just throw together
some scrap wood
and dump me in.
Granny, don't say those things!
Careful, Elly, you'll catch
pond water poisoning.
Besides, I got to measure
your granny for a box.
Let's see now...
We got a couple
of old egg crates
down in the basement.
Reckon they'd...
Uh-oh, nope, afraid not.
Elly, reckon your
granny would mind
getting put away
kind of doubled up?
Granny, don't listen to him!
It's all right, child.
I'm too weak to hear him.
I'm breathing my
last feeble breath.
Uncle Jed, guess who's
downstairs waiting for you?
All gussied up and
sweet-smelling, too.
Mrs. Drysdale.
Who?! Mrs. Drysdale.
Why, that fat, old stewin' hen!
Let me...!
Lay back down. You're dying.
I'm dying to belt her one!
Let me at her!
Hold her down, young'uns.
Steady, Margaret, steady.
All you have to
do is flirt with him.
Surely it's worth that
to get him to move.
(voice echoing): But
suppose he doesn't retreat
from your advances?
(normal voice):
What? Oh, rubbish.
If he retreated from a
glamorous movie actress,
he'll surely retreat from me.
(echoing): You're
playing with dynamite.
(normal voice): Listen,
to get these peasants to move,
I'd dance the Watusi
with a keg of nitroglycerin.
Who you talking
to, Mrs. Drysdale?
Oh, Mr. Clampett!
I uh, suppose you
think it's terribly bold
and daring of me to come
over here alone like this.
Oh, no, not at all.
Granny's safe up in her bedroom
and the young'uns is
up there watching her.
It isn't Granny I'm afraid of.
It's myself... my feelings,
the emotions that are
raging inside of me.
Oh, forget it, Mrs. Drysdale.
Even if you was to
tangle with Granny,
you couldn't hurt her.
She's little, but she's wiry.
I have no intention of
tangling with Granny.
The only entanglement
I fear is you and me.
Mrs. Drysdale, I wouldn't
hurt you for the world.
Let go, you young whelps!
Ain't you got no respect?
Can't you see I got
one foot in my grave?
No, but I can sure feel the
other one in my stomach.
If we doesn't let go, Granny,
you'll go down and
whomp Mrs. Drysdale.
(groaning)
I'm fading away again.
I'm breathing my last.
Elly May, quick, run
down and fetch my tonic.
Maybe I can hang
on a mite longer.
Yes'm, Granny.
(groaning)
Jethro, open them doors
so I can see the sky
and the trees when I go.
Well, where you going?
I'm fixing to cross
the River Jordan.
In your nightclothes?
I'm leaving this vale of tears.
I'm gonna join the angels.
Well, they's doing
better than the Dodgers.
I'm dying, you big lummox!
No, you ain't, Granny.
You'll feel fine
just as soon as Elly
fetches your tonic for you.
She'll get the wrong bottle.
She ain't smart
like you, Jethro.
Shucks, she ain't
had education like me.
I should have sent you.
You'd have got the right
bottle 'cause you're smart.
That's true.
Hurry.
Stop Elly from getting
the wrong bottle.
Okay.
Hey, wait a minute.
Whilst I'm gone,
who's to stop you
from going downstairs and
whomping Mrs. Drysdale?
Oh, a smart boy like you knows
how to stop me from
doing that, Jethro.
I do?
Why, of course.
We'll lock the door
so I can't get out.
Yeah, that'll do it.
You go on outside,
and I'll lock the door.
Okay, now, don't think you
can trick me now, Granny.
I'll be out there listening
to hear you turn that key.
You're the smart one, Jethro.
(clicking)
Did you hear that?
Yes, ma'am.
Now, then, Mrs. Drysdale.
I was right!
I just figured out, if
you could lock that door
from the inside, you
could unlock it, too.
(chuckling)
You and your education.
Let me out of here!
Let me out of here, you...
Come on, Granny,
you're going back to bed.
Put me down, you-you...
Now, Elly, don't you
fret about your granny.
She's healthy as a bobcat
and twice as scrappy.
Now, you keep her in her room
till Mrs. Drysdale goes.
How long's she gonna be here?
I don't know, Elly.
She keeps acting like she
wants to tell me something,
but she seems ashamed to say it.
Now, you run up to your granny.
Yes, sir, Pa.
Are we alone now, Jed?
Yes, ma'am.
Have you guessed what it is
I've been trying to tell you?
No, ma'am.
Can't you tell just
by looking at me?
Afraid not.
Then, I must tell you.
This burden is more
than I can carry alone.
It weighs too heavily on me.
I can hide it no longer.
I'm infatuated.
Well, shucks,
ma'am, if that's all
that's been bothering
you, forget it.
You're just pleasingly plump.
Oh, could, uh...
could we sit down?
You betcha.
That's the ticket.
There you are.
Oh, don't let go, please!
Oh, Mrs. Drysdale, don't worry.
This bench will hold your
weight and then some.
There, you see?
Now, I'll just drag
up this chair over...
Uh, can't you, uh,
sit here beside me?
Of course.
You don't take
up more than half.
There... now you feel better?
I'd feel much better
if you could put
your arm around me.
Mrs. Drysdale, I could
put my arm around you
and have half of it left over.
You got to stop
worrying about being fat.
You city women fret more
about extra pounds
here and there...
Mr. Clampett... uh, uh, uh, Jed,
I've been trying to
tell you something
in a subtle manner, and
I'm getting nowhere with it.
Very well.
I'll show you how I feel.
Now do you know what
I've been talking about?
I do for a fact.
You're plumb shutting
off the blood to my leg.
Please come down
and cook some vittles.
I'm starving.
Hey, looky here.
I done took three
hitches in my rope.
I told you, I ain't
stirring out of this chair
until your Uncle
Jed comes in here
and answers me some questions.
Like what, Granny?
Like the hanky-panky
that's going on
betwixt you and Mrs. Drysdale.
And Jethro, leave
the room. Aw, Granny.
I don't know what hanky-panky
you're talking about.
And Jethro, stay here.
Thank you, Uncle Jed.
I'm talking about
the hanky-panky
that went on downstairs,
and I had to be locked
in upstairs not to see.
And Jethro, leave
the room. Aw, Granny.
You was locked in
upstairs so you wouldn't
go downstairs and
whomp that poor woman.
And Jethro, stay here.
Thank you, Uncle Jed.
Then, why did she
come to see you
all gussied up and
smelling of perfume?
And Jethro, leave
the room. Aw, Granny.
Mrs. Drysdale come here
to unburden her mind
to me about something.
And Jethro, leave the room.
Thank you, Uncle Jed.
Leave?
Leave.
I ain't even sure I
ought to tell Granny
about Mrs. Drysdale's problem,
but I know she'll
pester me till I do.
I'll pester you, too.
Out! Out!
"Out, out."
Like a little kid that
doesn't know the score.
I done graduated
the sixth grade!
Now, Jed, what's Mrs.
Drysdale's problem?
Well, Granny, she thinks
she's a mite overweight.
A mite overweight?
To tell me that, you sent
Jethro out of the room.
Well, you know him
and his big mouth.
And to tell you
that, Mrs. Drysdale
got dressed to the nines
and pickled in perfume?
That's the truth, Granny.
Who do you think
you're greening, Jed?
Has that woman
took a shine to you?
Granny. Don't you "Granny" me.
I remember you
when you was the Lady
Killer of Cass County.
Granny, that was 25 years ago.
It was only two days ago
that that movie actress
throwed herself at you.
You had it then,
and you got it now.
And I want to know
what you're doing with it.
Hey, Uncle Jed, Mrs.
Drysdale's waiting downstairs
to see you again and
smelling sweeter than ever, too.
(chuckling)
Nothing betwixt you, huh?
Well, if you won't talk,
I'll wring it out of her!
Grab her, Jethro.
What do you want
me to do with her?
Keep her in her rocking
chair till I get back.
Yes, sir.
Put me down!
Elly May, wouldn't
you like to go back
to the hills where your
critters can run wild again?
Oh, yes, ma'am, I sure would.
And Granny would, too.
Pa, too, I think, but he won't
'cause him and your husband
is such good friends
and neighbors.
Don't give up hope, Elly.
Well, howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.
My, don't you
look slim and nice.
(chuckles) Thank you.
Elly May, could we be alone?
Why, sure, come on outside.
No, child.
It's your father I
want to be alone with.
Oh, well, Clyde and
me will go outside.
You, uh, want to
be alone with me?
Yes, you handsome,
irresistible brute.
I'm through with
hints and subtleties.
I must tell you how I feel!
Jethro, you're much too smart
to waste your time
holding me like this.
I am?
Well, of course.
Smart boy like you
would figure out how
to tie me in this chair
with a piece of rope.
Well, I ain't got no rope.
Smart boy like you
would figure out how
to use that rope
around your waste.
Yeah, I could do that.
You're so much
smarter than Elly May,
it ain't even close.
Well, shucks, she ain't
had the education like me.
Whoa!
See you later, brains!
Granny, come back here!
Mrs. Drysdale, please
get ahold of yourself.
Nothing betwixt you, huh?
You're right.
Ain't room for nothing.
Jed, darling!
Come back, you're mine!
Cass County
Killer is at it again.
Mr. Drysdale...
Mr. Drysdale, I got to see you.
What happened was
my fault, Mr. Drysdale.
Now, please don't
blame your wife.
She's a fine woman.
And don't worry, we's
moving back to the hills.
I just thought I'd come by
and give you a chance
to satisfy your honor.
Mr. Drysdale isn't here.
We're quite alone, Mr. Clampett.
Now, if you'll please...
Stand back, Miss Jane,
for your own safety.
What do you mean?
Something I thought
was buried 25 years ago
in Cass County has
showed up to haunt me.
Mr. Clampett...
Please, please, I can't
go through all that again.
First that movie actress,
then Mrs. Drysdale.
Now you.
Wait a minute.
Suppose you sit down
and tell me everything.
Yeah, I reckon I'd better.
It's weighing on
me something awful.
You don't have to help
no more, Mrs. Drysdale.
You best go home
before Jed gets back.
Oh, but I want to help.
I'm so grateful to you for
moving back to the hills
and taking temptation
out of my reach.
What a man.
You was fooling with
the Cass County Killer.
I sure do thank you, Miss Jane.
I reckon I can handle
it from here. Good luck.
We're pert near
loaded, Uncle Jed.
How many critters
can I take with me, Pa?
Oh, round up as many
as can hang on safe.
Come help me, Jethro.
Oh, Jed, you're back.
This is pert near everything.
Yep, better have a last
look around, Granny.
Well, I guess
this is it, uh, Jed.
Sure is.
Uh, hop on, Maggie.
Maggie?
Is that one of Elly
May's little critters?
No, ma'am, Maggie is all mine.
You mean me?
I sure do, honey bun.
Get in the front seat
so we can snuggle.
It's a long ride
back to my cabin.
Your cabin?
Well, now, you didn't think
I was gonna leave
you here, sweetie pie,
you being crazy
mad for me and all?
Now, wait a minute!
You'll love it back in
Cass County, darling.
You can eat all you want.
We'll be happy as two
hogs in the mud waller.
Let go of me!
What's the matter, sweetheart?
Don't call me that!
Milburn, help!
Milburn!
Lover lamb, come back!
(chuckling)
I thought 25 years was too long.
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.