The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 28 - Cool School Is Out - full transcript
♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
(upbeat instrumental
rock music plays)
♪ ♪
I'll get those beatniks
out of my building
if I have to spread
gopher pellets in there.
Now, in all fairness, Chief,
this basement was nothing more
than a hole in the ground
when you rented it to them.
They've turned it into a rather
charming little coffee house.
They have turned
it into a playground
for reform school dropouts!
But Chief, they have
legal possession,
their rent is paid, they're
not disturbing the peace.
That won't stop me.
Where there's a
will, there's a way.
And I have the will.
Now you find the way.
But Chief, I don't
know what to do.
Oh, use your head.
There are dozens of little
annoying things you can do.
Run a hose from the
exhaust of your car.
Toss in a few grenades.
Set fire to the building.
You seem to be forgetting
that Mr. Clampett has
befriended these young people.
They call him Big Daddy.
Jed Clampett
just paid their rent
out of the goodness
of his heart.
He doesn't know a
beatnik from a baboon.
And come to think of it,
there isn't much difference.
But-But, Chief...
Now, look at that
pair of weirdoes
that just turned into the alley.
Why, Jed Clampett
would take his squirrel rifle
to those revolting delinquents!
And look at them slouch
along in those sloppy clothes.
Correction. They're making
the scene in cool threads.
(laughs)
Don't talk that
disgusting gibberish.
It nauseates me.
Now let's go the other way.
I-I can't stand to look at them.
But, Chief...
(Elly May snapping her fingers)
Howdy, Miss Jane, Mr. Drysdale.
Greetings, Jethro, Elly May.
Elly May, you square.
You ain't supposed to
say, "Howdy, Miss Jane."
Us cool cats say, "Lay
some skin on me, chick."
Well, don't stand there, chick.
Lay some skin
on these cool cats.
Uh, say-say, that's
quite a handsome beard, Jethro.
Pretty far out, huh?
Yes, and you grew it so quickly.
Oh, it was easy.
I mean, Easyville, chick.
Y'all coming in and dance?
No, thanks.
Elly, you're supposed to
say, "Fall in and dig the gig."
Ain't you never gonna get cool?
I'm just as cold as you.
You ain't, neither.
You're square!
You call me that one more time,
and I'll tell 'em where
you got your beard.
Y'all coming in and dance?
Jed, look what Jethro
done to my fur muff!
Now, what-what he want
to do a thing like that for?
Don't ask me.
Nothing makes any
sense what he does
since he took up
with them nutniks.
Granny, I think they
is called, uh, beatniks.
Beatniks, nutniks.
They all act like they
was behind the door
when the brains was handed out.
You didn't think so last night
when we was playing
music for their dancing.
I thought they was dancing
till the lights come back on.
Then I thought
they was having fits.
Yeah. Did look for all the world
like they had an itch
they couldn't scratch.
Well, Jed, what are you gonna do
about my Sunday-go-to-meeting,
skunk-dyed muskrat muff?
Well, I'll go have
a talk with Jethro.
He ain't here.
And if he was here,
you can't talk to him.
Nothing he says makes any sense.
Lay a pizza on me, Granny chick!
What does that mean?
I don't know, but
if he says it again,
I'm gonna lay something on
him, and it ain't gonna be no pizza.
And Elly May's
pretty near as bad.
They're both down to
that coffee shop right now
getting into who knows
what kind of mischief.
Well, Granny, if
it'll ease your mind,
why don't you go down there
and see for yourself
what's going on?
I can't.
The young'uns bugged
out with the wheels.
I mean, left in the truck.
Doggone it!
Now they got me
talking that nonsense!
I'll tell you what, Granny.
I'll call you one
of them, uh, taxis.
Ooh, Jed, that
cost a lot of money.
Don't flip, chick.
I got pretty near
50 million gumballs.
Mr. Epps,
there ain't nothing wrong
with Horace, is there?
No, no, Chick. He's fine.
Here.
Yeah, he's just thinking.
Well, don't he
never say nothing?
Elly, he says it all!
Why, Horace has spoken
some of the greatest words
the world has ever heard.
Well, like what?
Well, about three weeks
ago, he rose up and said,
"Revelatory...
exponential... proclivities."
Well, what does that mean?
Who cares, baby?
They're great words!
Hey, Shel? Huh?
Squirrel wants you to
eyeball her sculpture of Clyde.
Come on, Chick.
SQUIRREL: What
do you think, Shel?
Not bad.
But have I captured
the real Clyde?
Can I look?
Not yet. Hold that pose.
I see your problem, Squirrel.
This is the outer Clyde,
but you have missed
the inner Clyde.
What do you think, Chick?
Well, I think
it looks like a great
big mud chitlin.
Can I move now?
Or split or something?
Uh, sure, Clyde.
I'm gonna start over
from, like, scratch.
Come on. Let's tap the
boiler for a cup of Joe.
Yeah. Crazy... Cool.
How about that, Elly?
That there is a statue of me.
Well, I think it looks like
a great big mud chitlin.
You're just jealous
'cause you can't do nothing!
I can do better than that!
I'd like to see you try!
Okay.
Elly!
Ouch!
There.
Gee.
JETHRO: Hey.
Look what Elly done.
Crazy!
Cool!
It's wild!
That is the real Clyde.
Inner and outer!
It talks! It sings!
It wails!
Chick, you are the
new queen of the clay!
You mean, it's good?
Good? Clyde,
this is pure protest.
It's like a scream in the night.
Let's show it to Horace.
Yeah.
Horace, roll your
grapes over this
and lay the word on us.
Is it a minor or a
major masterpiece?
It's a major!
Do me next!
Oh, hey, Granny, chick,
make that old square
Elly split back to the pad.
I don't want to hear no
more of that goofy talk!
Now you get home!
Ow!
Granny, you just blew my gig!
Now I ain't beat!
You ain't home yet!
Get up there! Get!
Granny.
Come on, Granny! Get!
Now you go fetch the truck.
You and Elly got chores
waiting at home for you.
Take her, Granny.
I want to stay here.
You're going, too.
There's a whole patch
of taters to be dug.
Fetching and toting.
And you've done wasted your
time in that goofnik root cellar!
I ain't been wasting
time, Granny.
I've been going to cool school.
What kind of a fool
school is cool school?
It's real groovy, Granny.
Why already today, I learned
that I'm one of the
angry young men.
How about that?
What you angry about?
Well, uh... let's see. Uh...
Oh, we got questions
to ask about life.
Like, uh, uh, who am I?
And where did I come from?
And-and where am I going?
Them is angry
young man questions.
Well, now you're gonna get
some angry old woman answers.
You are Jethro Bodine.
You just come out of there.
And you're going
home to do your chores.
Now, you go fetch the
truck while I get Elly.
Granny, I want to be a cool cat!
You'll be a cool cat
with warm britches
if you don't do as I say.
(all gasping)
That's great.
ALL: Oh! Oh, yeah!
Be sure and capture
the inner me, Elly.
I ain't got a
whole lot of outer.
What's going on here?
Granny chickie!
Hey, group, give
Granny the big eye.
They're putting a hex on me.
Granny digs!
She is one of us!
(quick, finger snapping)
Hey, Granny, looky here.
This here's what you
call a masterpiece.
Well, it's plumb crazy!
That's it!
She's on it! That's great!
Granny chickie, you are wild!
Well, you ain't
heard nothing yet.
Now, gather round, young'uns,
'cause I got a few
things to say to you.
Cool it, cats.
Granny's gonna lay
a few words on us.
Go, Granny. Wail.
All you young'uns should
be home doing chores.
What'd she say, Shel?
Home, man...
That's like your pad.
No, that other word... chores.
Hey, Granny, what's chores?
Fetching, toting,
digging taters.
Digging rudybagers.
What'd she say, Shel?
She's too far out for me, man.
That chick digs
things I never heard of.
Hey, Granny, clue us in on
this taters and rudybagers bit.
Yeah, we want dig 'em, too.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, that's much better.
How do you do it?
Elly, get up here and
show 'em how to dig taters.
Dig taters?
Yeah, Chick. We've
never dug 'em.
Lay it on us.
Well, all right.
It's real easy.
You do it like this.
Oh, no, Elly.
You ain't dug taters
in so long, you forgot how.
Let me show you how it's done.
You got to put some
swing into it like this.
In the ground.
Shake the dirt, fling it.
That's what ya
call digging taters.
See?
He's getting it!
Now you're makin'
them taters fly!
Hey, cats, this is the wildest!
Hey, what a beat!
This chops the Watusi!
Granny,
you are the queen
chick of all time!
What's this for?
♪ ♪
Here, here.
What's that music for?
Well, your creation,
Granny, the "Tater Digger"!
Why, it cools the Monkey,
Frug and Jerk put together!
Now, wait a minute...
Come on, pick up
the beat... Let's fly!
Well, I didn't, uh...
This ain't no dance.
You ain't supposed to... ♪ ♪
Feels pretty good, don't it?
♪ ♪
It's a major!
Chief, do you
think this is wise?
Miss Hathaway,
evicting those beatniks
has become a matter
of principle with me!
It... will... be... done!
But Mr. Clampett is
practically their sponsor,
and with Elly and
Jethro in the group...
I don't care upon
whose toes I tread!
There comes a time
when a man must stand up
for what he thinks is right!
"To thine own self be true."
Remember that!
Well, howdy, folks,
come in, come in.
Thank you, Mr. Clampett.
Well, what can I do for ya?
Mr. Clampett,
I'm going to come
right to the point.
Take the bull by the horns.
You know those beatniks
whose rent you paid?
Yeah!
I kinda like 'em.
Me, too!
Like another try at the bull?
Yes, Mr. Clampett, I'm with you.
But a lot of people
have been criticizing me
for renting that basement
to those beatniks.
How come? Well, of course,
some of them do look like
hoboes with those whiskers.
Oh, I don't hardly think
having a few whiskers
makes a fella a hobo.
Oh, you're-you're
right, you're right!
On you they look
like a million...
many millions!
Exactly what is it those
narrow-minded bigots
have been complaining about?
Perhaps the music and dancing.
Yes, that's it!
I kinda like music and dancin'.
Me, too!
What else do they do?
Well, Chief, almost
everything they do
is dictated by their
basic philosophy,
which is a protest
against our
materialistic way of life.
What does that mean?
Well, in brief,
they scorn money.
Good heavens, they're
dangerous fanatics!
So, you see, Mr. Clampett,
that explains why people
are so against them.
Not me.
I can think of a
whole heap o' things
that's more
important then money.
(voice breaking): Me, too.
I'll bet that hurt.
You know, Mr. Drysdale,
I wouldn't worry too much
about them complaints
by them, uh...
What was it he called 'em?
Narrow-minded bigots.
Yeah, you know,
young folks have got
to kick up their heels a little,
wear funny clothes, dance funny.
It don't hurt 'em none.
You're absolutely right.
I didn't even want
to bother you with it,
but Miss Hathaway
thought I should.
Thanks, Chief.
Well, I got to
admire her for that.
A person has got to do
what they think is right.
To thine own self be true.
I couldn't of said
it half that good!
Well, here comes
Jethro and Elly.
But I don't see
nothing of Granny.
Mr. Clampett,
doesn't it bother you
to see your beautiful daughter
coming home looking like that.
No, because that ain't
my beautiful daughter...
That's Granny.
(engine whirring)
Granny!
What's the gig, banker man?
Lay some skin on me!
Greetings, chick, and Big Daddy!
Ain't she too much?
She might be. Where's Elly?
Sculpting man, sculptin'.
She's like mashing
out masterpieces.
What's got into you?
Don't be a square
bear, Big Daddy!
Fall into some cool threads
and I'll clue ya in
on the "Tater Digger."
What in tarnation's
a tater digger?
Tell 'em, Clyde.
That's the new dance
Granny made up.
I got these medals for it.
Well, I'm splitting
out to the kitchen.
I promised them other cats
that I'd lay some pizza on 'em.
Eyeball ya later.
Ain't she the swinging end!
Mr. Drysdale,
you know them beatniks
we was talking 'bout?
Yes.
Let's talk some more.
♪ ♪
Mmm.
Possum pizza fillin'!
Ooh!
How's the crust comin', Clyde?
It's coming on like
wild, Granny chick.
Well, fling it, Clyde, fling it!
Clyde... Yes, ma'am?
On the next one...
Like not so hard.
Granny... Well, if
it ain't Big Daddy
and ol' Milburn Tightfingers.
Now, Granny, you
stop that kinda talk!
Well then you tell
Mr. banker man
to stop putti" us down!
Doing what?
Bugging us beats!
Granny,
surely you're not serious
about becoming one of them.
Yeah, Granny, act your age.
I ain't felt this
young in 50 years!
Them other cats say
I'm a way-out chickie!
(laughs)
Right, Clyde?
You're so far out you're in!
What're you doin'?
I'm like spinni" platters
for a possum pizza.
Oh, and speaki" of platters...
We, like, need some
new discs for the juke.
What'd he say?
We need some new
sides for the music box.
Could you lay some bread on us?
Oh, you need money, huh?
We is, like, tap
city, Big Daddy.
I thought you beatniks were
supposed to scorn money.
Now, you're... Mr. Drysdale, uh,
let's take a little ride.
How do you "spin platters"
for "possum pizza"?
Well, I'll show ya.
Last one stuck on the ceilin'.
♪ ♪
Big Daddy!
Hey, howdy,
Mr. Epps, Miss Squirrel.
How about this wild gig
Granny Chick laid on us!
It's wild! Come on, Big Daddy,
swing in and I'll show
you how to dig taters.
Oh my, I was digging
taters before you was born.
Cool!
Crazy!
Come on!
Well, uh, not right
now. Let's dig!
I'd like a few words
with Mr. Epps here.
Lay 'em on me.
Well, uh, could we go outside?
I'd like to lay 'em on ya
where you can hear 'em.
Daddy, your slightest
wish is my creel.
By the by,
did Clyde speak to you
about the green bread?
The what?
The lettuce we need
for the new discs...
the records.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I brung some lettuce.
Oh, Daddy, that is the
whole Imperial Valley!
Yeah.
Now, uh, I'd like to talk to
ya for a minute about Granny.
Oh, that-that chick
is the cool, cool end!
She comes on like Buster's Gang!
Well, suppose there's
some way we could, uh,
uncool her so to speak?
Oh no, Daddy.
Once you have tasted
the joys of Outer Bohemia
you never go back
to Squaresville.
Too bad.
That's just where
I'd like Granny to go,
and I was kinda hopi"
that you would, uh,
help me get her there.
Oh, man, ask me
anything but that.
For Sheldon Epps
to square a cool
would be like to
betray the cause
to which I have sworn
undying devotion.
High treason!
I see.
Well, looks like I
been dropping my hook
in a fished out creek.
Drop it again, Daddy,
there's a big traitor
eyeballing your bait!
Kinda quiet in there.
Maybe they's flaked out
from doing the "Tater Digger."
Well, my possum pizzas
will bring 'em around.
And if they don't,
my turnip tacos will!
(waltz music playing)
Clyde, we done fell
in the wrong hole.
This here is Squaresville!
It's Cube City!
How do you do, Granny, Jethro?
Shelly baby, what gives?
You done blew your cool!
I beg your pardon?
You shaved off your beard!
Yes, the management frowns
on hirsute
adornment, Mr. Bodine.
My names is Clyde!
Yes. One moment,
I'll see if I can
get you a table.
Mr. Burgess!
At your service.
Wiggy baby!
Where's your cool threads?
What did she say, Mr. Epps?
"Threads."
I believe that's one of those
vulgar beatnik expressions.
Would you please try
to find these people a
table well to the rear?
Their unkempt appearance
might lower the tone
of our establishment.
What am I gonna do
with the pizza and tacos?
Leave them here, please.
You will be served fruit punch
and ladyfinger
surprise at your table.
♪ ♪
Oh, howdy, Granny, 'Jethro.
Elly May's back yonder
sculpting up a storm.
Look at this here
pussycat she done.
I don't dig it.
Me neither, it's too square.
I believe I'll ask Horace
what he thinks of it.
Excuse me, Horace, but, uh,
would you give us your
opinion of this here sculpture?
I find it remarkably lifelike.
Thank you, Horace.
(song ends)
Attention, everybody.
One more waltz
and then we're going
to play charades.
Come on, Clyde, let's split!
♪ ♪
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
(upbeat instrumental
rock music plays)
♪ ♪
I'll get those beatniks
out of my building
if I have to spread
gopher pellets in there.
Now, in all fairness, Chief,
this basement was nothing more
than a hole in the ground
when you rented it to them.
They've turned it into a rather
charming little coffee house.
They have turned
it into a playground
for reform school dropouts!
But Chief, they have
legal possession,
their rent is paid, they're
not disturbing the peace.
That won't stop me.
Where there's a
will, there's a way.
And I have the will.
Now you find the way.
But Chief, I don't
know what to do.
Oh, use your head.
There are dozens of little
annoying things you can do.
Run a hose from the
exhaust of your car.
Toss in a few grenades.
Set fire to the building.
You seem to be forgetting
that Mr. Clampett has
befriended these young people.
They call him Big Daddy.
Jed Clampett
just paid their rent
out of the goodness
of his heart.
He doesn't know a
beatnik from a baboon.
And come to think of it,
there isn't much difference.
But-But, Chief...
Now, look at that
pair of weirdoes
that just turned into the alley.
Why, Jed Clampett
would take his squirrel rifle
to those revolting delinquents!
And look at them slouch
along in those sloppy clothes.
Correction. They're making
the scene in cool threads.
(laughs)
Don't talk that
disgusting gibberish.
It nauseates me.
Now let's go the other way.
I-I can't stand to look at them.
But, Chief...
(Elly May snapping her fingers)
Howdy, Miss Jane, Mr. Drysdale.
Greetings, Jethro, Elly May.
Elly May, you square.
You ain't supposed to
say, "Howdy, Miss Jane."
Us cool cats say, "Lay
some skin on me, chick."
Well, don't stand there, chick.
Lay some skin
on these cool cats.
Uh, say-say, that's
quite a handsome beard, Jethro.
Pretty far out, huh?
Yes, and you grew it so quickly.
Oh, it was easy.
I mean, Easyville, chick.
Y'all coming in and dance?
No, thanks.
Elly, you're supposed to
say, "Fall in and dig the gig."
Ain't you never gonna get cool?
I'm just as cold as you.
You ain't, neither.
You're square!
You call me that one more time,
and I'll tell 'em where
you got your beard.
Y'all coming in and dance?
Jed, look what Jethro
done to my fur muff!
Now, what-what he want
to do a thing like that for?
Don't ask me.
Nothing makes any
sense what he does
since he took up
with them nutniks.
Granny, I think they
is called, uh, beatniks.
Beatniks, nutniks.
They all act like they
was behind the door
when the brains was handed out.
You didn't think so last night
when we was playing
music for their dancing.
I thought they was dancing
till the lights come back on.
Then I thought
they was having fits.
Yeah. Did look for all the world
like they had an itch
they couldn't scratch.
Well, Jed, what are you gonna do
about my Sunday-go-to-meeting,
skunk-dyed muskrat muff?
Well, I'll go have
a talk with Jethro.
He ain't here.
And if he was here,
you can't talk to him.
Nothing he says makes any sense.
Lay a pizza on me, Granny chick!
What does that mean?
I don't know, but
if he says it again,
I'm gonna lay something on
him, and it ain't gonna be no pizza.
And Elly May's
pretty near as bad.
They're both down to
that coffee shop right now
getting into who knows
what kind of mischief.
Well, Granny, if
it'll ease your mind,
why don't you go down there
and see for yourself
what's going on?
I can't.
The young'uns bugged
out with the wheels.
I mean, left in the truck.
Doggone it!
Now they got me
talking that nonsense!
I'll tell you what, Granny.
I'll call you one
of them, uh, taxis.
Ooh, Jed, that
cost a lot of money.
Don't flip, chick.
I got pretty near
50 million gumballs.
Mr. Epps,
there ain't nothing wrong
with Horace, is there?
No, no, Chick. He's fine.
Here.
Yeah, he's just thinking.
Well, don't he
never say nothing?
Elly, he says it all!
Why, Horace has spoken
some of the greatest words
the world has ever heard.
Well, like what?
Well, about three weeks
ago, he rose up and said,
"Revelatory...
exponential... proclivities."
Well, what does that mean?
Who cares, baby?
They're great words!
Hey, Shel? Huh?
Squirrel wants you to
eyeball her sculpture of Clyde.
Come on, Chick.
SQUIRREL: What
do you think, Shel?
Not bad.
But have I captured
the real Clyde?
Can I look?
Not yet. Hold that pose.
I see your problem, Squirrel.
This is the outer Clyde,
but you have missed
the inner Clyde.
What do you think, Chick?
Well, I think
it looks like a great
big mud chitlin.
Can I move now?
Or split or something?
Uh, sure, Clyde.
I'm gonna start over
from, like, scratch.
Come on. Let's tap the
boiler for a cup of Joe.
Yeah. Crazy... Cool.
How about that, Elly?
That there is a statue of me.
Well, I think it looks like
a great big mud chitlin.
You're just jealous
'cause you can't do nothing!
I can do better than that!
I'd like to see you try!
Okay.
Elly!
Ouch!
There.
Gee.
JETHRO: Hey.
Look what Elly done.
Crazy!
Cool!
It's wild!
That is the real Clyde.
Inner and outer!
It talks! It sings!
It wails!
Chick, you are the
new queen of the clay!
You mean, it's good?
Good? Clyde,
this is pure protest.
It's like a scream in the night.
Let's show it to Horace.
Yeah.
Horace, roll your
grapes over this
and lay the word on us.
Is it a minor or a
major masterpiece?
It's a major!
Do me next!
Oh, hey, Granny, chick,
make that old square
Elly split back to the pad.
I don't want to hear no
more of that goofy talk!
Now you get home!
Ow!
Granny, you just blew my gig!
Now I ain't beat!
You ain't home yet!
Get up there! Get!
Granny.
Come on, Granny! Get!
Now you go fetch the truck.
You and Elly got chores
waiting at home for you.
Take her, Granny.
I want to stay here.
You're going, too.
There's a whole patch
of taters to be dug.
Fetching and toting.
And you've done wasted your
time in that goofnik root cellar!
I ain't been wasting
time, Granny.
I've been going to cool school.
What kind of a fool
school is cool school?
It's real groovy, Granny.
Why already today, I learned
that I'm one of the
angry young men.
How about that?
What you angry about?
Well, uh... let's see. Uh...
Oh, we got questions
to ask about life.
Like, uh, uh, who am I?
And where did I come from?
And-and where am I going?
Them is angry
young man questions.
Well, now you're gonna get
some angry old woman answers.
You are Jethro Bodine.
You just come out of there.
And you're going
home to do your chores.
Now, you go fetch the
truck while I get Elly.
Granny, I want to be a cool cat!
You'll be a cool cat
with warm britches
if you don't do as I say.
(all gasping)
That's great.
ALL: Oh! Oh, yeah!
Be sure and capture
the inner me, Elly.
I ain't got a
whole lot of outer.
What's going on here?
Granny chickie!
Hey, group, give
Granny the big eye.
They're putting a hex on me.
Granny digs!
She is one of us!
(quick, finger snapping)
Hey, Granny, looky here.
This here's what you
call a masterpiece.
Well, it's plumb crazy!
That's it!
She's on it! That's great!
Granny chickie, you are wild!
Well, you ain't
heard nothing yet.
Now, gather round, young'uns,
'cause I got a few
things to say to you.
Cool it, cats.
Granny's gonna lay
a few words on us.
Go, Granny. Wail.
All you young'uns should
be home doing chores.
What'd she say, Shel?
Home, man...
That's like your pad.
No, that other word... chores.
Hey, Granny, what's chores?
Fetching, toting,
digging taters.
Digging rudybagers.
What'd she say, Shel?
She's too far out for me, man.
That chick digs
things I never heard of.
Hey, Granny, clue us in on
this taters and rudybagers bit.
Yeah, we want dig 'em, too.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, that's much better.
How do you do it?
Elly, get up here and
show 'em how to dig taters.
Dig taters?
Yeah, Chick. We've
never dug 'em.
Lay it on us.
Well, all right.
It's real easy.
You do it like this.
Oh, no, Elly.
You ain't dug taters
in so long, you forgot how.
Let me show you how it's done.
You got to put some
swing into it like this.
In the ground.
Shake the dirt, fling it.
That's what ya
call digging taters.
See?
He's getting it!
Now you're makin'
them taters fly!
Hey, cats, this is the wildest!
Hey, what a beat!
This chops the Watusi!
Granny,
you are the queen
chick of all time!
What's this for?
♪ ♪
Here, here.
What's that music for?
Well, your creation,
Granny, the "Tater Digger"!
Why, it cools the Monkey,
Frug and Jerk put together!
Now, wait a minute...
Come on, pick up
the beat... Let's fly!
Well, I didn't, uh...
This ain't no dance.
You ain't supposed to... ♪ ♪
Feels pretty good, don't it?
♪ ♪
It's a major!
Chief, do you
think this is wise?
Miss Hathaway,
evicting those beatniks
has become a matter
of principle with me!
It... will... be... done!
But Mr. Clampett is
practically their sponsor,
and with Elly and
Jethro in the group...
I don't care upon
whose toes I tread!
There comes a time
when a man must stand up
for what he thinks is right!
"To thine own self be true."
Remember that!
Well, howdy, folks,
come in, come in.
Thank you, Mr. Clampett.
Well, what can I do for ya?
Mr. Clampett,
I'm going to come
right to the point.
Take the bull by the horns.
You know those beatniks
whose rent you paid?
Yeah!
I kinda like 'em.
Me, too!
Like another try at the bull?
Yes, Mr. Clampett, I'm with you.
But a lot of people
have been criticizing me
for renting that basement
to those beatniks.
How come? Well, of course,
some of them do look like
hoboes with those whiskers.
Oh, I don't hardly think
having a few whiskers
makes a fella a hobo.
Oh, you're-you're
right, you're right!
On you they look
like a million...
many millions!
Exactly what is it those
narrow-minded bigots
have been complaining about?
Perhaps the music and dancing.
Yes, that's it!
I kinda like music and dancin'.
Me, too!
What else do they do?
Well, Chief, almost
everything they do
is dictated by their
basic philosophy,
which is a protest
against our
materialistic way of life.
What does that mean?
Well, in brief,
they scorn money.
Good heavens, they're
dangerous fanatics!
So, you see, Mr. Clampett,
that explains why people
are so against them.
Not me.
I can think of a
whole heap o' things
that's more
important then money.
(voice breaking): Me, too.
I'll bet that hurt.
You know, Mr. Drysdale,
I wouldn't worry too much
about them complaints
by them, uh...
What was it he called 'em?
Narrow-minded bigots.
Yeah, you know,
young folks have got
to kick up their heels a little,
wear funny clothes, dance funny.
It don't hurt 'em none.
You're absolutely right.
I didn't even want
to bother you with it,
but Miss Hathaway
thought I should.
Thanks, Chief.
Well, I got to
admire her for that.
A person has got to do
what they think is right.
To thine own self be true.
I couldn't of said
it half that good!
Well, here comes
Jethro and Elly.
But I don't see
nothing of Granny.
Mr. Clampett,
doesn't it bother you
to see your beautiful daughter
coming home looking like that.
No, because that ain't
my beautiful daughter...
That's Granny.
(engine whirring)
Granny!
What's the gig, banker man?
Lay some skin on me!
Greetings, chick, and Big Daddy!
Ain't she too much?
She might be. Where's Elly?
Sculpting man, sculptin'.
She's like mashing
out masterpieces.
What's got into you?
Don't be a square
bear, Big Daddy!
Fall into some cool threads
and I'll clue ya in
on the "Tater Digger."
What in tarnation's
a tater digger?
Tell 'em, Clyde.
That's the new dance
Granny made up.
I got these medals for it.
Well, I'm splitting
out to the kitchen.
I promised them other cats
that I'd lay some pizza on 'em.
Eyeball ya later.
Ain't she the swinging end!
Mr. Drysdale,
you know them beatniks
we was talking 'bout?
Yes.
Let's talk some more.
♪ ♪
Mmm.
Possum pizza fillin'!
Ooh!
How's the crust comin', Clyde?
It's coming on like
wild, Granny chick.
Well, fling it, Clyde, fling it!
Clyde... Yes, ma'am?
On the next one...
Like not so hard.
Granny... Well, if
it ain't Big Daddy
and ol' Milburn Tightfingers.
Now, Granny, you
stop that kinda talk!
Well then you tell
Mr. banker man
to stop putti" us down!
Doing what?
Bugging us beats!
Granny,
surely you're not serious
about becoming one of them.
Yeah, Granny, act your age.
I ain't felt this
young in 50 years!
Them other cats say
I'm a way-out chickie!
(laughs)
Right, Clyde?
You're so far out you're in!
What're you doin'?
I'm like spinni" platters
for a possum pizza.
Oh, and speaki" of platters...
We, like, need some
new discs for the juke.
What'd he say?
We need some new
sides for the music box.
Could you lay some bread on us?
Oh, you need money, huh?
We is, like, tap
city, Big Daddy.
I thought you beatniks were
supposed to scorn money.
Now, you're... Mr. Drysdale, uh,
let's take a little ride.
How do you "spin platters"
for "possum pizza"?
Well, I'll show ya.
Last one stuck on the ceilin'.
♪ ♪
Big Daddy!
Hey, howdy,
Mr. Epps, Miss Squirrel.
How about this wild gig
Granny Chick laid on us!
It's wild! Come on, Big Daddy,
swing in and I'll show
you how to dig taters.
Oh my, I was digging
taters before you was born.
Cool!
Crazy!
Come on!
Well, uh, not right
now. Let's dig!
I'd like a few words
with Mr. Epps here.
Lay 'em on me.
Well, uh, could we go outside?
I'd like to lay 'em on ya
where you can hear 'em.
Daddy, your slightest
wish is my creel.
By the by,
did Clyde speak to you
about the green bread?
The what?
The lettuce we need
for the new discs...
the records.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I brung some lettuce.
Oh, Daddy, that is the
whole Imperial Valley!
Yeah.
Now, uh, I'd like to talk to
ya for a minute about Granny.
Oh, that-that chick
is the cool, cool end!
She comes on like Buster's Gang!
Well, suppose there's
some way we could, uh,
uncool her so to speak?
Oh no, Daddy.
Once you have tasted
the joys of Outer Bohemia
you never go back
to Squaresville.
Too bad.
That's just where
I'd like Granny to go,
and I was kinda hopi"
that you would, uh,
help me get her there.
Oh, man, ask me
anything but that.
For Sheldon Epps
to square a cool
would be like to
betray the cause
to which I have sworn
undying devotion.
High treason!
I see.
Well, looks like I
been dropping my hook
in a fished out creek.
Drop it again, Daddy,
there's a big traitor
eyeballing your bait!
Kinda quiet in there.
Maybe they's flaked out
from doing the "Tater Digger."
Well, my possum pizzas
will bring 'em around.
And if they don't,
my turnip tacos will!
(waltz music playing)
Clyde, we done fell
in the wrong hole.
This here is Squaresville!
It's Cube City!
How do you do, Granny, Jethro?
Shelly baby, what gives?
You done blew your cool!
I beg your pardon?
You shaved off your beard!
Yes, the management frowns
on hirsute
adornment, Mr. Bodine.
My names is Clyde!
Yes. One moment,
I'll see if I can
get you a table.
Mr. Burgess!
At your service.
Wiggy baby!
Where's your cool threads?
What did she say, Mr. Epps?
"Threads."
I believe that's one of those
vulgar beatnik expressions.
Would you please try
to find these people a
table well to the rear?
Their unkempt appearance
might lower the tone
of our establishment.
What am I gonna do
with the pizza and tacos?
Leave them here, please.
You will be served fruit punch
and ladyfinger
surprise at your table.
♪ ♪
Oh, howdy, Granny, 'Jethro.
Elly May's back yonder
sculpting up a storm.
Look at this here
pussycat she done.
I don't dig it.
Me neither, it's too square.
I believe I'll ask Horace
what he thinks of it.
Excuse me, Horace, but, uh,
would you give us your
opinion of this here sculpture?
I find it remarkably lifelike.
Thank you, Horace.
(song ends)
Attention, everybody.
One more waltz
and then we're going
to play charades.
Come on, Clyde, let's split!
♪ ♪
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.