The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 27 - Big Daddy, Jed - full transcript

Unbeknownst to Mr. Drysdale, beatnik Sheldon Epps pays another visit to the Clampetts, recruiting Jethro and Elly Mae.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

(laughs)

Here it is, group:
Clampettville!

Are you sure this
is somebody's pad?

Yeah, Shel.

This looks like Redondo High.

These are the digs
of Big Daddy Jed

and his far-out family...

in whose bosom
your glorious leader

spent a whole day
in the Twilight Zone.

But he's loaded, huh?

Oh-hoo! Friends,
when it comes to loot,

Big Daddy is the
jolly green giant.

Is that you, Mr. Epps?

Yeah, Elly!

Howdy!

What'd she say, Shel?

"Howdy," that's
like, uh, "aloha."

Oh, Elly May, this
is Wiggy and Shaky.

And that's Horace,

the great poet, thinker,
and philosopher.

Why, howdy.

Aloha. Aloha.

Hey, that's a cute little cat.

Oh, this ain't no cat.

Of course not. We're cats.

That's a dog.

No, it ain't.

It's a kid.

You're putting me on.

It don't look like
no kid I know.

It's a baby goat.

Elly chick, could I
have a few words

with Big Daddy?

Oh, you mean Pa?

Yeah. What'd she say, Sheldon?

"Pa." That's like,
uh, "daddy-o,"

as in "mommy-o and daddy-o."

Oh. Now.

Why he ain't here.
He's gone out hunting.

Ooh, that's a bad scene.

I mean, like, the rent is
due on our coffeehouse

and I wanted to put the bite

on Big Daddy Greenbacks
for some bread.

Oh, well, come on
out to the kitchen.

Granny'll feed you. No, no, no.

Chick, we need some
lettuce to feed the kitty.

Oh, Granny's got
all kinds of vittles.

What'd she says,
Shel? "Vittles," man.

That's like tacos and
pizza and burgers.

Well, mount up,
cats. We got to fly.

Dig you later, Chick.

If we don't find gold by noon,

the landlord's going
to cool our action.

Well, y'all come back now.

Bye.

Howdy. Howdy.

Where we going, Shel?

We are going to the
bank and cop a plea

with old Milburn Tightfingers.

(engine turns over)

Man, we've got to save
The Parthenon West.

You're dreaming.

Drysdale'll shoot
us down in flames.

Especially if he knows
you're in on this gig.

Yeah, Shel, you
bug that banker man.

Cool it, cats.

He'll never know it's me.

Assume launch position.

Blast off!

I declare, Granny,
the hunting in these

Beverly Hills is getting
sorrier every day.

Me and Duke went
as far back in the brush

as you could go.

The only thing we flushed out

was a couple of
real estate agents.

Well, I'll tell you
something you can do.

You can flush Jethro
out of his room.

Ain't he down yet?

No, he ain't.

Ever since the countess
give him that fancy uniform,

he ain't been worth his salt.

Spends all of his time preening

and strutting like
a ruffled rooster.

Well, Jethro's kind
of proud of that getup.

The countess let
him pick it out hisself.

Well, I wish she
had took it with her.

The only work he
does around here now

is shining his boots
and polishing his medals.

Yeah, don't be too
hard on him, Granny.

It's natural for a
boy to like a uniform.

And that one of Jethro's
is uncommon grand.

Good morning, Granny.

Good morning, Uncle Jed.

Mmm-mm, dogged
if he don't look like

a Fourth of July
parade all by hisself.

Thank you.

Ain't you done preening?

Please, Granny, you're
breathing on my medals.

I'll do more than
breathe on them

if you don't get busy
with your chores.

But, Granny, you don't do chores

wearing a uniform like this.

Then take it off 'cause
you're gonna do some.

I want my windows
washed, kindling split,

and my turnip patch spaded up.

But, Uncle Jed,
that kind of work

is for vassals and churls.

I'm a dragoon.

Well, with a uniform like this,

I can get me a high-paying job.

Doing what?

Strutting around in front
of some store or something.

Give the place some class.

Seems like it'd be worth a try.

Be a shame to let
all this go to waste.

Here you are.

Take this lye soap
water and commence

with the windows upstairs.

Granny, uh, the boy thinks

he'd like to go out
and look for work.

He don't have to go look for it.

I got plenty right here.

Granny, I don't do
that work no more.

What?! Uh, he means that,

uh, he'd like to do something

where he can wear his uniform.

Yeah! All right.

He can wash windows
with that mule tail.

And split kindling

with that fancy frog sticker.

Uncle Jed!

Now, you're going to get it!

He didn't mean it, Granny.

Let's let the boy go
out and look for a job.

Please, Granny! GRANNY:
Watch out for my dishes.

(clattering)

Look out behind you!

(glass breaking)

He's wrecking my kitchen!

JED: Go on, boy, get out!

(glass breaking)

Get out!

Be sure and get a job outdoors.

Bye, Granny.

Bye, Uncle Jed.

(glass breaking)

Way outdoors!

Morning, Miss Hathaway.
Good morning, Chief.

What's, what's going
on? Who's in my office?

A delegation of tenants
from The Parthenon West.

The what? That's the
coffeehouse they've opened

in that basement they
rent from the bank.

You mean those beatniks?

I told you I wanted
them out of that building!

It never should've been
rented to them in the first place!

But, Chief... Never
mind, I'll handle it myself!

(congo beats)

Cool it, group. Cool it!

It's our kind and
generous landlord.

Hey, Mr. Moneybags.

We got a favor to ask you.

Yeah, will you lower our rent?

Get out of my
office, you creeps!

Get out of my bank!

Get out of my basement,

and get out of my life!

Well, what do you
say, man, yes or no?

He's thinking it over, cats.

(beating)

The answer is no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, don't stop, man.
That's a crazy beat.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

All right, if you won't leave,

I'll have you thrown out!

Miss Hathaway!

Miss Hathaway?

Yes, Chief? Throw them out.

Wait, man, wait.

We got another favor to ask.

If you won't cut the rent,

how about giving
us a few extra days

to raise it? I just raised it.

It's doubled. Cats,
did you hear that?

Hey, Snow White, where
you hiding the other dwarfs?

All you got here is Grumpy.

Call the police!

Time to split, Horace.

Old Man Tightfingers is
gonna whistle up the fuzz.

How could it happen?

How could this dignified bank

allow one of its buildings
to become infested

with those bearded termites?

Well, as I remember, Chief,

the man who rented it
to them said they had

"excellent references": cash.

Well, just give me
the idiot's name.

I'll have his job!

You've got it. What?

It was you.

Even so, this mistake
must not go unpunished.

But, Chief, you're...
No, no, no, no.

What's fair for
one is fair for all.

Starting today,
everybody's lunch hour

will be cut to 30 minutes.

(barks)

It's all right, Duke.
That's Jethro.

How'd you do, boy? Get a job?

No, I didn't.

Heck fire, Uncle Jed,
I thought Beverly Hills

was supposed to have class.

I've been to some of
the best stores in town

and you ought to see
the way they treated me.

Didn't you get no offers at all?

Well, they was this fella
that stopped me on the street

and offered me a job.

But I ain't climbing
up to no windows

holding no tin cup
for no organ grinder.

Where you going?

To go polish my medals.

I think I'd stay
out of the house

a mite yet.

Your granny ain't got
over your last trip through.

Put the truck away.

Boy, they call this
the land of opportunity.

That's a laugh. Look at me.

Educated up to here
and where does it get me?

Can't be a dragoon.

Can't be a Double Naught spy.

Can't be a brain surgeon.

Too tall to be an astronaut.

And too young to be president.

What is there left?

Just put the truck away.
We'll think of something.

Pa, Mr. Epps just called

to see if you was
back from hunting.

He's coming over to
borrow some bread.

That poor boy still ain't
got what to eat, has he?

Reckon not,

and his cat's
worse off than him.

Well, this morning,
he said he needed

lettuce to feed the kitty.

Well, we'll see
that they both get

some good side meat and grits.

Now, you run, put on a dress.

What for?

Well, I reckon Mr. Epps

ain't used to seeing
girls wear pants.

(rock and roll music playing)

Cool it, group!

(music stops playing)

I just talked to
the Clampett chick.

Big Daddy is back from the hunt.

(all snapping fingers)

Here, Wiggy.

You keep the phone money.

Now, you cats hold
off the banker man

while I go shake the money tree.

Hey, Shelly, why don't
you get this Clampett cat

to put some muscle
on the banker man?

Yeah, you say he
keeps all his bread

in the banker's box.

Big Daddy don't muscle anybody.

Big Daddy is Mr. Good.

Besides, Drysdale
is his neighbor...

as in "love thy."

If he finds out we got
trouble with the banker man,

he'll close the bread line.

Granny, Mr. Epps is here.

You got his vittles ready?

Everything he asked for.

Couple of loaves of
bread, some greens,

and I throwed in some
side meat and grits

like Jed told me to.

Did you put in something
to feed his kitty?

Yeah, but pussycats
don't like lettuce,

so I put in a nice, big fish.

Look who's here
to see us, Granny.

Well, Mr. Epps.

Granny chickie, lay
some skin on me.

Jed and Elly told me
what you was needing.

There it is.

A whole basket full.

Oh, bless you.

Come on over and sit
down and visit a spell.

Oh, like, Thanksville,
but I've got to get

that basket of bread back
to the Parthenon West.

What's that?

That's what Mr. Epps
calls his coffeehouse.

An oasis in the
intellectual desert.

Cool... crazy... way out.

Couldn't you find
nothing in town?

It is in town.

The Parthenon West is
the local forum of the far out.

A temple of wisdom and
culture for the seekers of truth.

A treasury of art and beauty.

A subterranean Taj Mahal.

Hmm... doggie!

Sound like just the
kind of a classy place

Jethro'd like to work.

Jethro?

Oh! Oh, you mean
that big, strong cat...

Super Clyde!

I recollect you
called him Clyde,

but his real name is Jethro.

And I'd appreciate
it if you'd, uh,

let him hang around your place.

Oh, Big Daddy, your slightest
wish is engraved on my fern.

You have Clyde fall by.

And now, dear hearts,
I must take my leave.

May the saxophone of life
blow you nothing but cool notes.

Oh, you are fighting poverty.

Please accept the
eternal gratitude of...

What is Charlie Tuna
doing in my bread basket?

ELLY MAY: That's
to feed your kitty.

They don't like lettuce.

And the rest of
the vittles is for you.

We put in everything
you told Elly you needed...

Uh, greens, lettuce, bread.

Oh...

I can see my state-of-the-union
message got a bad translation.

Daddy, the kind of vittles we
need is like a money pizza?

You-You know a cash burger?

Those little green
pictures of presidents?

Is this what you mean?

Glory-asky, it's
the mother lode.

Where did you young
hoodlums get this money?

Rolled some drunk?

Wrong. Don't loose
your cool, Pinch Penny.

We are paying guests.

Yeah. Talk nice, or we may
split to a pad on Peel Street.

Huh?

I believe he means they
might move to the Sunset Strip?

Oh, good. The sooner the better.

Man is that gratitude

after the way we've
improved your property?

Improved it?!

Man, look around.

Why, just the presence
of the Great Horace gives

this place class.

Eyeball these priceless
murals and frescoes.

We've turned this
deserted mine shaft

into a Pacific Coast Guggenheim.

Well, in all fairness, Chief,
the basement was un-rentable.

Yes, and now the whole
building's un-rentable.

That ought to take care of it.

Why don't you like split
back to your counting house?

Scat!

Does he sleep all the time?

Chick, Horace ain't
sleeping; he's thinking.

Thinking?

He don't talk much,
but when he speaks,

every word is a gem of wisdom.

Could you get him to
say something now?

You don't get Horace
to say something.

When he's ready, he
just sort of comes on.

Miss Hathaway... Shh!

You'll disturb Horace.

Horace Shmorace!

Let's get out of
this storm drain!

You haven't won yet,
you skid row trainees!

I'll get you out of here if
I have to flood the place!

Or call in an exterminator!

Or a dogcatcher!

Gee, what a nice man.

I bet he sleeps in
a little green box.

And takes grouch
lessons at night.

Forget him, cats.

Remember we were Tap City.

But now we're
like Paid-Upsville.

Let there be music
and merriment.

(pop music plays)

(music stops) We're raided!

Drysdale has sent in the
Royal Canadian Mounted fuzz.

Take courage, cats.

It may only be Nelson Eddy.

(exhales)

(exhales)

Now, look, cats, I'm
laying it on you straight:

Big Clyde is part
of the package deal.

You're kidding?

I think he's kind of cute.

Yeah, and just like Big Daddy,
he has got a heart of gold.

WIGGY: Then how come he
wears that jumbo switchblade?

I don't know, it's
part of his gig.

He thinks he's something
called a "dragoon."

What kind of goon?

Cool it.

I think he's kind of cute.

All he wants to do is
walk up and down up front

and say howdy to the cats.

Say what?

"Howdy," that's like aloha.

WIGGY: Shelly, this
place will be like Emptysville

with the Student
Prince out front.

Yeah, what if he starts
loose with the Indian Love Call

or something?

I dig that Clyde is Mr. Cube.

All he needs are new
threads and a little cool.

I think he's kind of cute.

Squirrel, he's your project.

Round off the corners
and, uh, get him on the beat.

Game?

Like ready, Freddy.

I knew it! He's
starting to rumble!

Zing it, Wiggy.

He's just Clyde Clumsy.

I'm awfully sorry.

Clyde, Squirrel.
Squirrel, Clyde.

Howdy, Clyde.

Howdy, ma'am.

My name's Jethro.

Sit down, Clyde.

You're going to Cool School.

(engine sputtering)

(bongos beating rhythmically)

Hey, these are
crazy wheels, Clyde.

That last bump, I
thought Horace was gonna

come up with something.

I won't be a minute.

I just want to go show Uncle
Jed and Granny my new clothes.

Threads, Clyde, threads.

Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry.

Boy, will they be surprised
when they see me.

Like they'll flip
when they dig you.

Yes, ma'am.

If you all want, you
can come in the house.

Make the scene in the pad.

Yes, ma'am.

I'll get it right.

Oh, boy. Is that
cat out to lunch.

How can you go ape over him?

He is the square root cubed.

Just leave Clyde to me.

Hey, Shel? Huh?

Here comes that chick.

Howdy!

ALL: Aloha!

Elly May, meet Squirrel.

You've dug Shaky,
Wiggy, and Horace.

Hey, that's a cute little fella.

That's a baby goat.

I still say they look like dogs.

JETHRO: Uncle Jed! Granny!

Look at me!

I am what you call cool.

Well, no wonder.
Where's your clothes?

These is my clothes.

I mean, my new strings.

String?

Or is that threads?

Yeah, that's it.

Anyway, they's a gas.

What happened to your uniform?

Oh, I split that gig.

You ain't making no sense.

That's 'cause you
don't dig the pad.

But I'm a square 'cause
I'm going to Cool School.

Cool School?

Yeah. And my teacher's
a really purty ape.

And she has gone chick over me.

Where we going?

I'm putting you to bed.

Pa, Mr. Epps says I
can go to Cool School,

learn to dance and
be a jerk like Jethro.

Oh, no, no, chick.
You dance the jerk.

Jethro is...

You might have something there.

Doggone it. Tell her she can't
do everything I do, Big Daddy.

He ain't your Big Daddy,
he's my Big Daddy.

He's my Big Daddy too!

Ain't neither! Is too!

Cool it! Cool it. He is
the Big Daddy of us all.

What are you doing, Granny?

What's the scene, chick?

I'm putting the
three of them to bed.

Now cool it.

I mean, uh... hold it, Granny.

Maybe it'd be a good
notion to let Elly go

to that Cool School.

Then she could tell us

what these other
two is talking about.

Oh, you are tuned in, Big Daddy.

We will have this chick
and this clyde so far out,

you'll have to
track them by radar.

I still say put the
three of them to bed.

Oh, let us go, Pa...
I mean, Big Daddy.

It won't hurt the
young'uns, Granny.

Let's let 'em go.

Well, as long as it's
some kind of a school.

Oh, you are the king
and queen of hearts.

Why don't you fall by
later and audit a class?

Well, we'll do that.

Not me. I'm too old
for that nonsense.

Au contraire, Granny Chick.

Why, as the Great
Horace once said...

There's no cool
like an old cool.

(whistles)

(pop music plays)

Hey, Elly Chick,
you're digging great.

You will graduate with honors.

You know something, Squirrel,

I'm going kind of
chick over you too.

Oh, Clyde, I'm gonna have
to keep you after school.

Square!

I'll teach that bunch of
weirdoes not to fool with me.

In exactly, uh, four
and one-half minutes,

all power to that
basement will be turned off,

and the Parthenon
West will be as dark

as the Parthenon East.

(cackles)

Gee, what a nice man.

No lights, no jukebox,
no espresso machine,

no nothing.

Chief, that is hardly fair.

They paid their rent even
though you doubled it.

Yes, I wonder where
they got the money.

Well, I understand
they found a sponsor,

someone they call Big Daddy.

Well, Big Daddy's show is
just about to be cancelled.

(cackles)

(pop music plays)

Hey, cool it, group.

It's Big Daddy
and Little Granny!

(music stops)

Hey! The light's out!

Must be the wires.

Why'd you do that?

From what we'd seen of
the place, it's right nice.

We didn't do it.

Somebody's killed the
juice to our hot wires.

There goes the Parthenon West.

Yeah, nobody wants to
see these ruins by moonlight.

You mean, you're closing up?

What else?

Without music and
lights, we're like Finishville.

Well, uh, maybe Granny
and me could help you.

(lively chattering inside)

How can they be open?

I don't know, but it certainly
sounds like they are.

Come on, we'll see about this.

Hey, it's Snow White and Grumpy.

And you're just in time.

Big Daddy and his Crazy Combo
are ready to play the next set.

You have music?

And lights.

All through the
courtesy of Big Daddy.

Eyeball that bandstand.

All set?

That's Big Daddy?

In the cool, cool flesh.

(playing "Listen to
the Mockingbird")

Well, don't stand
there, Miss Hathaway.

Let's Charleston.

You don't Charleston
these days; you Jerk.

I certainly am.

So let's Charleston. Oh!

(music plays loudly)

Horace just said something.

Ain't that a gas?

We've been waiting three weeks

and we missed it.

(plays refrain of
"Shave and a Haircut")

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.