The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 23 - Drysdale's Dog Days - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

You get Granny's
ciphering done, Jethro?

I'm sorry, Uncle
Jed. I got to looking

through the phone
book for where to join up

to be a double naught
spy and plumb forgot.

You mean you ain't joined yet?

I can't find no Beverly
Hills headquarters.

I looked under S for “spy,”

D for "double naught,"

J for “James,” B for “Bond.”

I might have to
go clean to London

to join up with them rascals.

How much does
it come to, Jethro?

The boy ain't done your
ciphering yet, Granny.

Like I said, Granny,
right around $11 million.

I don't wanna
know "right around."

I wanna know to the penny

my share of Jed's money.

Then I can take it
outta that fancy city bank

and put it where it's safe...

In my mattress!

Okay.

Ain't you kinda hot
in that spy coat?

Yeah, I am. I
reckon it's all right

to take it off in front
of you and Granny.

I'm pretty sure you two ain't
a couple of secret agents.

I ain't. How about you, Granny?

Ahh! Take off your spy coat

and commence ciphering!

What in blue blazes is all this?

Well, this is what you
call tools of the spy trade.

Us double naughts got
to be ready for anything.

Phew.

(loud thud)

Don't this kinda slow you down?

Well, yeah.

When I'm wearing
that and my iron hat,

it does take me a while
to get where I'm going,

but once I'm there... look out!

Cipher me one
fourth of Jed's money

before that banker spends it!

How much you say it
was again, Uncle Jed?

Mmm..., $45 million, give
or take a million or two.

Okay.

Four, five, comma, naught,
naught, naught, comma,

naught, naught, naught,
period, naught, naught.

Mmm, doggie, listen
to that boy cipher!

I ain't even started yet.

I got to fourth it by
chucking the devisor

into the dividend and
drawing out the quotient!

Cost me a heap of money
to get this boy educated,

but it was worth it.

That's it, Arnie.

I knowed you could do it.

Well, you just might
win yourself a prize

at Mrs. Drysdale's dog show.

See how easy it is, fellas?

(dogs barking)

Arnie's gonna get his reward.

Help yourself.

Anything you want.

Arnie.

I don't hardly think you
can eat a whole ham hock.

Fellas, whoever
walks the rope next

can share with Arnie.

(all barking)

Oh, Rusty.

I'm sorry, Rusty,

but I don't think cats is
allowed in a dog show.

(dogs barking)

What's going on, Elly?

I'm learning my
dogs some tricks,

and Rusty's kinda jealous.

Well, learn him some, too.

It's for a dog show, Pa.

Mrs. Drysdale's giving it.

Here's her picture in the paper.

What's this?

ELLY MAY: That's the prize

for the best dog in the show.

You sure could get the prize
for the most dogs in the show.

They can all do tricks, too...

'cept old Duke over yonder.

He won't do nothing.
Will you, Duke?

Old Duke's done it all, Elly.

At his age, he just
wants to remember it.

Anybody seen my iron hat?

Hey, who tied them
ropes to my spy car?!

Well, I did, and
yonder's your iron hat.

(slurping)

Them dogs drinking
outta my spy hat?!

Hey, you're gonna rust it!

Well, gee whiz, Jethro,

eating all them ham
hocks made him thirsty.

Where'd he get the ham hocks?

Well, that big
basket on the truck.

It was full of 'em.

That's my survival kit!

(chattering)

Get outta my survival kit!

(dog yapping)

Oh, come on, get outta there.

Take it easy, Jethro.

Oh, Uncle Jed!

I'll betcha old
Double Naught Seven

wouldn't hold still

for a bunch of dogs and apes
a-climbing all over his spy car

and eating up his survival kit!

Where you going, boy?

I'm gonna find spy headquarters.

I don't care if I have to
drive clean to London!

Hey, Jethro! Wait a minute.

Don't forget your iron hat.

Oh, you'd for like me
to slap this on my head

with water in it...
Wouldn't you? Huh?

Well, I'm too smart!

(clang)

Doggone, old Double
Naught Seven's got it easy!

Doctor No, Goldfinger and
SMERSH all put together

ain't as bad as one girl cousin.

(engine starting)

(engine revving)

You heered me,
Mr. City Slicker Banker!

Jethro ciphered me to
have $11,250,000 a-coming

and I want it! In cash!

But, Granny, I explained
to you yesterday

how the bank has
invested your money,

and you said you'd sleep on it.

That's just what I'm gonna do...

Stuff it in my mattress
and sleep on it!

Now, Mr. Drysdale,

I don't want no more
slippery talk outta you.

You have my money ready
when me and Jethro get there!

Jethro's gone, Granny.

Then I'll walk!

Granny, listen, don't do that.

I'll send my limousine for you,

and please bring
Mr. Clampett along.

All right, but make it snappy!

He's sending his
limousine for us.

What's that for?

This is for if he
gives me my money...

and this is for if he don't.

Did you send my
limousine for the Clampetts?

As per your orders, Chief.

How am I going to explain

the complexities of
modern-day investment banking

to a couple of hillbillies?

I barely understand it myself.

Fear not.

I have marshaled
an array of experts

to aid us in that
formidable task.

Oh, good. Bring 'em in.

Their words are to be found

in these volumes on
economics and finance.

Hmm!

Here's an old friend
from college days...

An Analyses of the
Ethics and Principles

of Diversified Investment
Banking Procedure,

by R. E. Rowton. (chuckles)

And here is a brilliant treatise

by the well-known
Swiss banking authority...

Are you out of your
Phi Beta Kappa skull?!

The Clampetts don't understand
the simplest facts about money.

Granny thinks she can put
$11 million in a shopping bag!

She wants to take it home
and stuff it in her mattress!

$11 million in cash?

In small bills yet.

Well, $11 million
would fill this room!

Even one million would... Chief.

There's a thought.

Let's show Granny

what a million dollars in
cash actually looks like.

Just the sheer bulk of
it will discourage her.

It's worth a try.

The Federal Reserve will
let us have a million on credit.

Now, you get over there and
make all the arrangements.

And have them
send it in small bills.

Right away... and,
cheer up, Chief.

I might as well. Things
can't get any worse.

Milburn! I want to talk to you!

I was wrong. They just did.

Where is the limousine?

Greetings, Mrs.
Drysdale... Claude.

Milburn, I said where
is the limousine?

I sent it to pick
up the Clampetts.

The Clampetts!

Do you realize that Claude and I

had to come all the way here

from the psychiatrist's office
in a common public taxi?!

Margaret, please
don't bug me today.

I have problems.

You have problems?

Do you know what
the psychiatrist said?

No, what?

He said that Claude
is a very disturbed boy!

And do you know why?

Because you're a
bad, neglectful daddy.

Don't call me his daddy.

Milburn, how could you?

It's your constant
rejection of Claude

that's causing his neurosis.

This is the eve of
my big dog show!

Claude is under
enormous pressure.

Now is the critical period

when our boy needs
the companionship

and understanding of his daddy.

Margaret.

If things do not go
well for me today,

I stand to lose a
$45 million account.

And that's more important to
you than Claude's happiness?

No, of course not.

I lost my head for a moment.

Well, that's better.

Take him to the club with you.

Play ball with him.

Be a buddy.

Let him know that he
has a daddy who cares.

I have a better idea.

What?

Get that four-legged,
flea-bitten,

psychoneurotic mutt out of here!

Oh, Claude, darling,
Daddykins didn't mean it.

Oh, yes, Daddykins did.

Come, dear.

We'll go to the pharmacy

and get your tranquilizer
prescription refilled.

If Claude turns
into a delinquent

and starts roaming the streets
with unregistered breeds,

it will be your fault!

I don't care if he goes to
the park and mugs pigeons!

There are no bad
doggies, only bad parents!

Get out of here
and stay out of here!

Both of you!

Did you see that, Jed?

I did for a fact.

'Pears like we ain't welcome.

No, no, wait!

I didn't mean you!

I love you!

Come back...!

Claude! Your daddy
wants you back.

Hurry to him.

Oh, what a touching scene!

Must you spoil this tender
moment with your gawking!?

Oh, Daddy does care!

Now, Daddykins, kiss Claudekins!

That dog gets kissed.

I get stuff throwed at me.

You wait right here.

Won't take me a minute
to fetch my shotgun.

I beg pardon, sir...
Did she say "shotgun"?

Don't worry about it.

I'll cool Granny down.

You'd best clear out, though.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Thank you for the ride.

Uh-oh! Cut mud, here she comes.

Come back here!

I told you to wait!

Granny, I do wish you'd
stop spraying the lawn

with that rock salt.

It burns up the grass
something awful.

Wait'll you see how it heats
up Mr. Drysdale's hindquarters!

Well, there it is, Chief...
$1 million in cash.

Where would you
like the men to put it?

Leave it on the truck.

I'm taking it up
to the Clampetts.

Oh, isn't that risky?

Not as risky as stalling
Granny any longer.

All right, open up.

I'll ride back on
top of the money.

Mr. Drysdale, you'll
be uncomfortable.

Sitting on a million dollars?

Easy, Chief. He lost his head.

All right.

Mm. And people rave
about that new car smell.

Chief, I worry about your
riding in that armored truck.

Suppose it's held
up? You'll be shot.

Can you think of
a better way to go?

(laughing)

That's it, Arnie, show
'em how it's done.

That's it, Arnie.

Now, you fellas think
you could do that?

(all barking)

Elly, is your pa around?

I ain't seen him, Granny.

Good.

Get out of here, pussy cat.

I need this.

Where you goin'?

I'm goin' to Mr. Drysdale's
bank to get my money.

And if he causes me any trouble,

I'm gonna salt him down.

You gonna walk all
the way to the bank?

No, I'm goi" at a fast trot.

DRYSDALE: ♪ On top of my money ♪

♪ It's all lovely and green ♪

♪ On top of my money ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... ♪

Mr. Drysdale, we're here.

Aw, darn.

You know, young fella,
I've ridden in a lot of cars...

Finest in the world...

But I've never enjoyed a
ride as much as this one.

Good. In fact, why don't we take

a run around the
block before we unload?

Is that you, Drysdale?

Yeah. Hi, Granny.

I've got something for you.

I got something for you, too.

Hey, that looks like a
shotgun she's picking up.

Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

I think I'll get inside.

Yeah, me, too.

(rock salt hissing)

Come out, Drysdale,
you coward, and fight!

Come on out!

DRYSDALE: Granny, wait.

Step back from the door.

Look what I've got.

(yelling)

Now you're gonna catch it!

What's all the commotion?

Drysdale's holed
up in that tin wagon

throwin' stuff at me again.

You in there, Mr. Drysdale?

That all depends,
is Granny out there?

No, she's gone in.

All right, then I'll come out.

Mr. Drysdale,
Granny's lookin' for you.

Thank you, Elly.

Now can I ask you a favor?

Can my dogs be in Mrs.
Drysdale's dog show?

Wha... Uh...

She's countin' on
it big, Mr. Drysdale.

Well, all right, of
course they can.

(whistles)

Hey, fellas, come
thank Mr. Drysdale.

(excited barking)

I fetched a can opener.

You won't be needi"
neither of these, Granny.

Yonder he is.

(barking continues)

He's at it again.

I get stuff throwed at me,
and the dogs get kissed.

Chief, what happened
with Granny?

How did my million
dollar idea work?

You're fired.

Something went wrong?

Everything went wrong.

I was shot at and
mobbed by wild dogs.

But the million dollars,
did you show it to Granny?

Yes, we showed it to her.

We took it out of the truck
and stacked it up very neatly.

It made a pile this high,
from here to the wall.

Surely that convinced her

she can't stuff it
in the mattress.

What did she say?

She said, "Thank you.

"Now cut mud out of here

and fetch back the
other ten million."

Oh, dear, what are
you going to do now?

I'm going to sit here
and bawl like a baby!

Now, Chief, it's always
darkest before the dawn.

Soon the bright sun will rise

and you will hear
the sweet voice

of a bird singing...

MARGARET: Milburn,
I want to talk to you!

Look what you've done to Claude.

He's regressed to infancy.

And all because
you told Elly May

she could enter her
mongrel curs in my dog show!

Milburn! (loud banging)

Margaret, please don't do that.

Then pay attention.

Dr. Wedemeyer said Claude

is acting this way
because he feels betrayed

by his own daddy.

You must take him
up to the Clampetts

and let him hear
you deny everything.

Are you out of your...

Chief, I think that
is an excellent idea.

The last idea you thought
was excellent got you fired.

Leave everything
to me, Mrs. Drysdale.

I shall see that
your instructions

are carried out to the letter.

Bless you, Miss Hathaway.

Bye-bye, lambykins.

Daddykins will make
everything up to you.

Indeed he will.

We shall see that
Claude's shattered ego

is restored by his
loving Daddykins.

(both laughing)

You're not only fired,

I'm going to have you
committed as dangerous.

You and this paranoid poodle
can share the same padded cell.

Hold your fire, Chief.

Claude here may hold the
key to peace with Granny.

You still tryin' to get
that million dollars

into your mattress?

Yep, and I'm doin' it, too.

Ain't that gonna
sleep kind of lumpy?

Especially after these
feathers you been used to?

It'll pack down.

Here, give me a hand.

Where you gonna put
the other ten million?

I ain't packed my
pillowcases yet.

What you gonna do
with all these feathers?

Aw, Drysdale can
keep 'em in his bank.

How you gonna get
it up in your room?

Jethro can tote it.

How you gonna get
it through the door?

Look, you worry
about your money,

I'll worry about mine.

What are you fixin' to do now?

I'm fixin' to get the
lumps out of my mattress.

(knocking)

Come in.

Oh, hello, Mr. Clampett.

Mr. Drysdale, congratulations.

What?

You rascal, you
didn't say a word.

Wait a minute.

That's a... that's
a dog in there.

Yes, it's my wife's poodle.

He's very sick.

And we need Granny's help.

Oh, indeed we do.

Granny, got a
sick dog over here.

Well, I got a million
dollars over here.

If you're lookin'
for a trade, forget it.

What's she doing?

She's stompin' the lumps
out of her money mattress.

Granny, surely you won't refuse
help to a creature in distress.

You're a doctor.

I ain't no dog doctor.

That's the truth.

Granny don't know
nothi" about doctorin' dogs.

Who don't?

Fetch that critter over here.

Do you think you can get him
well in time for the dog show?

Of course I can.

But you'll have to hold off

bringin' over the
rest of my money.

I can't doctor dogs and stuff
mattresses at the same time.

Anything you say, Granny.

See how easy it is, Claude?

Now, come on, you try.

That's it.

Now stay.

By doggies, Granny sure
got old Claude on his feet

in a hurry, didn't she?

Yeah, but, Pa...

he hadn't ought to
be in the dog show.

Why not?

He ain't got a chance to win.

He can't do one single trick.

The dickens you say.

And there ain't
time to learn him.

He's awful dumb.

He don't look too
bright, does he?

Little Arnie's got him
beat 40 ways to Sunday.

He's bound to win.

It sure is gonna break
Mrs. Drysdale's heart.

I know she's counti"
big on winnin'.

I wish little Arnie
was a poodle.

What you mean?

Well, I'd tell the folks
over to the dog show

that he belonged
to Mrs. Drysdale.

Elly May, that sure
is thoughtful of you.

Now say, with Granny's help,

maybe little Arnie could
turn out to be a poodle.

(dogs barking)

May we have the
Drysdale entry next please.

Will the handler bring
Prince Claude of Burgundy

to the judge's stand please.

Milburn, aren't you thrilled?

You bet I am.

Granny's million's
back in the vault.

I mean they've called Claude.

Now pay attention...
Like a proud daddy.

Come on, little Arnie...

I mean, Prince Claude.

(barks)

Let's have a closer
look at that poodle, Miss.

Yes, sir.

Do a trick for 'em,
Prince Claude.

Sit.

On your feet.

Take a bow.

Will Mrs. Drysdale step
to the judge's table please?

I'm afraid she won't be
able to make it right now.

How about that, Jed?

Mrs. Drysdale's so happy
she fainted dead away.

Gives you a mighty good
feeling to help a neighbor.

Look at little Arnie...
I mean Claude... go.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.