The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Boarder - full transcript

Mr. Drysdale talks the butler into staying on, posing as a boarder, so that he can teach the Clampetts how to be more civilized.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Can we help ya, Pa?

We?

Cousin Bessie,
little Arnie and me.

Come on over.

You hadn't ought to call
that critter "Cousin," Elly.

Well, why not?

Well, you see,
Jethro's your cousin,

and that puts Jethro
and her in the same...

Well, never mind.

I reckon I just gotta get used

to being a monkey's uncle.

Bessie and Arnie's
right fond of one another.

Give your sweetheart
a kiss, Bessie.

I don't believe I'd
talk up that romance

if I was you, Elly.

They ain't just a
whole lot can come of it.

Got my sign about ready, Jed?

Pret' near, Granny.

Elly May,

quit playi" with your
critters and get busy.

We got this whole
house to get clean.

Yes'm, Granny.

Well, what are you waiting fer?

Get around back!

Well, let me see my sign, Jed.

Just a minute.

You're gonna like it, Granny.

Jethro done a
fine job of painting.

Well, turn it over
so I can see it.

Now stand back so
you can get a good view.

Beautiful!

This is gonna make me rich, Jed.

Rich and famous.

(truck approaches)

Is the big sign
all right, Granny?

Just dandy, Jethro!

Heft me up.

What fer?

That fer.

Granny.

Jethro, you finish up
the rest of the signs?

Sure did.

Well, let me see 'em.

"Hot corn bread."

Ooh!

"Cold buttermilk."

"Grits every meal."

"Doctor on duty."

That's me, you know.

That's right, Granny.

"Critters to pet."

Now wait a minute.

I didn't order that sign.

Oh, this one was Elly's idea.

Sign tells the truth, Granny.

I betcha there ain't
another boardin' house

in Beverly Hills got as
many critters as we have.

Here's your sign
for the front gate.

Ooh, I like that.

Yeah, you ain't just funni"

when you say,
"Sleep off the hiway."

We must be about
four or five miles off.

Nice and quiet.

Did you make a sign
about my lye soap?

Oh, yeah, Granny.

"Free lye soap."

Oh, that'll draw
'em in like flies!

You gotta throw
in a little extra

with the stiff rate
you're charging.

Well, Jed, I'm givin' every
boarder a private room

and all he can eat.

Yeah, but a dollar a night?

Well, I figure that'll
keep out the riffraff.

Well, come on, Jethro.

Let's get that big sign on there

and commence putting 'em up.

Yes, sir.

I'm gonna have a full
house by sundown!

That's it, Bessie.

You're catchin' on real good.

Elly May Clampett,

I told you no more
playing with critters

till this house
is spic and span.

Well, I'm learning
cousin Bessie to dust

so she can clean the chandelier.

(horn honks)

Ooh, your pa and Jethro's back.

And stop calling that
hairy little goomer "cousin."

Got all my signs put up?

Sure did, Granny.

We stuck 'em alongside the road

leading up to the house.

Jethro, maybe you best
get the truck out of the way.

Yes, sir, they's gonna
be a lot of people

driving up in here.

You'll never be
lonesome again, Granny,

once folks commence
to readin' them signs.

(chuckles)

That wife of mine,

I have to leave my
bank and rush home

just to welcome a butler.

Now, Chief, Arthur Pinckney

is hardly an ordinary butler.

He's probably the most
sought-after major domo

on two continents.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes, he has served royalty.

I mean that sign. Look.

(Jane reading)

They can't take in boarders.

It's against the law
in this neighborhood.

It's even illegal to
put up those signs.

There's another one.

(Drysdale reading)

What in the name
of Conrad Hilton...?

Chief, there's more.

(Jane reading)

JANE: "Granny's
Boardin' House"?!

Oh, no!

Chief, what should we do?

The first thing to do is
get these signs out of here.

Oh!

"Free lye soap"? Oh!

This enough lye soap, Granny?

I reckon that'll do for now.

Elly, you take a
basket of that upstairs.

Put a chunk in every room.

Yes'm, Granny.

Jethro, you get on the churn.

Yes'm, Granny.

Jed, you jug my buttermilk.

Yes'm, Granny.

I gotta get outside
and stir up my big kettle

of crawdad gumbo.

Now you keep
things movin' in here.

Yes'm, Granny.

Yeah, Granny.

Boy, Uncle Jed, this here
runnin' a boardin' house

sure is lots of work.

It won't hurt us none and it
sure is makin' Granny happy.

That's a fact. She's
having more fun

than a bear cub in a honey tree.

Yeah, Granny
likes doing for folks.

The more the better.

Yeah, and this'll give her a
chance to make a little money

she can call her own.

Prideful woman like
Granny needs that.

She oughta make a heap
chargin' a dollar a day.

Yeah, especially with
all the signs we put up.

You know, from what I can see,

she's got the only
boardin' house

in the neighborhood.

I almost have my possum.

How are you doing
with your grits?

Got it. Come on. Let's go.

Chief, I can't reach these.

Never mind them.

Let's get down the hill
and grab those big ones,

especially "outdoor
swimmin', indoor plumbin'."

Quite right. The police
must never see them.

My wife must never see them.

Your wife's new butler
must never see them.

Pinckney is a man of
impeccable breeding.

He has served royalty in
every major capital of the world.

If he thought for one moment

that the neighborhood
in which...

Look, turn this
off, turn this on

and let's get going.

"Welcome.

Here it is! This is
it! Your new home!"

Rather friendly, really.

Quite decent of
the Drysdales, yes.

Well, how's it going?

Pa, Granny, first
boarders are comin'!

We ain't ready fer 'em!

Somebody ought to
be out front to greet him.

I'll go, Granny.

Elly, put soap in his room.

Well, I did, Granny.

Did you put the clean
towels in the, in the fireplace?

I mean, wood in the bathtub?

I mean, flowers in his bed?!

I mean, clean
sheets on the floor?!

Granny, Granny...

Now don't get excited, Jed.

Rather a pleasant
little cottage...

for America.

Howdy, can I tote
your stuff for you?

I beg your pardon?

The luggage, yes.

Where are my quarters?

Oh, forget it. Granny
says no tipping.

Hey, did you see the signs?

Signs? Yes.

I painted them.

Crudely done, but very helpful

in directing me to
the proper home.

Howdy, I'm Jed Clampett.

Glad to see you!

Welcome.

This here is Granny, Elly May.

That's Jethro totin' your bags.

Wait a minute,
Jethro. I'll help ya.

Looks like you come
fixin' to stay a spell.

We got a dandy room for
you and plenty of vittles.

And all the critters
you can pet.

Come on. You
being the first one,

I'll uncork a jug fer ya.

Ooh-ee!

Look at the boardinghouse
reach on that rascal.

Young lady... And I
use the term loosely...

Where is your mistress?

Who?

Mrs. Drysdale.

Oh, she's next door. Want
me to run and fetch her?

No, I shall see
her in good time.

Well, come on in.

No wonder Mrs.
Drysdale was frantic

to engage my services.

What an appalling
domestic staff.

America's answer to
the Beatles, I suppose.

By dingies, that pot
bread smells good

like pot bread should.

Well, Granny, your
first boarder's settled in.

By the way, his
name is Pinckney.

Arthur Pinckney.

Did he like his room?

Seemed to. He's up
there rootin' around

like a hog in a new pen.

You want to take up my jug

and give him a
little welcome snort?

Best not, Granny.

We don't know him that well.

He might be a temperance man.

Yeah. Long drink
of water, ain't he?

He is at that.

Nice-lookin', though.

Fancy dresser.

I'd say he's a man of quality.

Yeah.

The only thing,

his talk is a might
hard to understand.

Oh, he is a
foreigner, all right.

No doubt about that.

Likely from Chicago
or someplace.

Hey, Granny, your boarder said

he'd like to have a cup of tea.

Did he say what
kind of tea he wants?

I can give him senna

or sassafras or dandelion
or juniper or horsemint.

No, ma'am, he didn't say.

He seem to be ailing
in some way, Jethro?

Well, he was kind
of stuffy in the head.

I'll put together a mixture.

Find out where he's from?

Uh, yes, sir. London.

Where's that?

Oh, clean across the ocean.

What they call "Great Britain."

No wonder he don't
talk English so good.

Granny, they talk English there.

Well, they sure talk it foreign.

Pa, the boarder
wants everybody down

in the front hall right away.

Says he's coming
down for inspection.

Inspection?

I don't see no call for that.

He looked fine to me.

(hooting)

(hooting)

Oh, the family will
be here directly.

What is that?

Oh, that's Cousin Bessie.

Cousin Bessie?!

Yeah, ain't she a doozy?

Why, she can hang
on with one hand

and dust with three.

She is indeed a doozy.

Mrs. Drysdale know about her?

Oh, sure.

Uncle Jed will be
here in a minute,

and Granny's fixing your tea.

Young man, kindly remove
your cousin from the chandelier!

Oh, well, heck,
Bessie ain't my cousin.

Really?

Heck, no. She's Skipper's.

Hey, would you
like to meet Skipper?

Not until I've had my tea.

Perhaps not even then.

Well, everybody getting
acquainted, I hope.

Mr. Pinckney, we want you

to think of yourself
as one of the family.

What a nauseating suggestion.

Well, shucks. That's
the kind of folks we are.

Yes.

Here's your tea.

And I made you a nice
possum sandwich to go with it.

A what?

A possum sandwich.

It ain't good to drink senna tea

unless you eat
something with it.

'Course I cut it
with sassafrass,

dandelion and horsemint.

Put down that tray and
line up for inspection.

Well, Mr. Pinckney,
like I said to Granny,

ain't no call to inspect you.

We can see you're
a man of quality.

I am going to inspect you!

Now, line up over there.

Now, hold on, Arthur!

You are never to
address me as Arthur!

Only as Mr. Pinckney, sir.

I ain't no sir!

Now, I wouldn't
fault him for that.

Maybe he don't see so good.

He's lost half his glasses.

Well, he better
take to talking nicer

or I'm going to up his rent!

Over here. Step lively!

I've just raised him to a
dollar and a quarter a day!

Well, Mr. Pinckney, if it
pleasures you, inspect away!

Well, first of all, you
must take off those clothes.

Why, you... I'll
handle this, Granny.

Mr. Pinckney, I don't
know how you folks

does your inspecting
across the ocean,

but I reckon we'll
keep our clothes on.

I wasn't suggesting you should
take them off here and now.

I meant that you should
change into your serving apparel.

Our what?

Surely Mrs. Drysdale
doesn't approve

of the clothes you're wearing.

I'll say she don't!

Ain't much about us Miss
Drysdale does approve.

Why does she allow
you to remain here?

Oh, she's tried
to get shed of us,

but Mr. Drysdale won't let her!

Mr. Drysdale's right fond of us.

You mean, fond of the money.

Granny...

Speaking of money, how
much do you get here?

I'm glad you brought that up.

It started out
being a dollar a day,

but you bein' such
a smart-mouth...

Now, Granny. Mr. Pinckney,

it's still a dollar a day
and we're glad to get it.

Only a dollar a day?

That explain a few things.

Where is Mr. Drysdale?

Down to the Commerce Bank.

You want me to drive you?

No, no, no, no, that
won't be necessary.

You may resume your duties.

Just a minute.

You forgot your
tea. Oh, thank you.

That tea is absolutely
unpalatable!

Well, whatever else
you say about him,

he does know good tea.

Would you repeat that?

Surely I didn't hear you right.

I said, sir, that
your domestic staff

was the most deplorable
I've ever encountered.

I heard him right.

Pinckney, by your English
standards they may be lacking,

but by our standards,
they are excellent servants.

Yes, excellent.

King George was right.

You Colonials are not
ready for independence.

All right, so there's
room for improvement.

That's why my wife hired you.

Yes, what would you
suggest, Pinckney?

I should like to attire
them in proper uniforms,

pay them a proper salary,

and instruct them in
the proper performance

of their domestic duties.

All right.

You've got carte blanche.

But I'd better see some
improvement for my money.

I guarantee it, sir.

With one exception.

Who's that?

Bessie.

There is very little that
even I can do for her.

Bessie?

You know something, Elly?

I like these new clothes
Mr. Pinckney brung us.

Me, too, Jethro.

But Pa sure ain't
happy with his.

He won't come out of his room.

Granny'll get him out.

Come on, Jed.

Mr. Pinckney says if
we wear these outfits,

he'll pay us $50 a week.

JED (through door): I'm
sorry, Granny, but if this is what

a footman wears,
I ain't walkin'.

Oh, please, Jed?

Just long enough for inspection.

Do it for me. Come on.

Well, all right.

Just for inspection.

You look handsome, Jed.

A real handsome footman.

I look like a dern fool.

Oh, stop complainin'.

Leastways, you
don't have to wear

one of these dunce caps.

Won't this thing go any faster?

Calm down, Chief.
We're not certain

that Pinckney is
at the Clampetts.

Where else would he be?

My wife said he hasn't
shown up at our house,

and she said the
only Bessie she knows

is Elly May's chimp.
Surely, he doesn't think

the Clampetts are your servants.

Well, if he does,
I'll have your neck.

Why mine? Because I'll need it.

My wife's going to have mine.

Chief, that is unfair.

It's the American
way... pass the buck.

JETHRO: Line up for
inspection, everybody!

Mr. Pinckney says
he'll be right in to...

(laughing)

Jethro, stop
that! That tears it.

I'm getting out of
these crazy duds.

Please, Jed.

Just until
Mr. Pinckney sees you.

He's payin' me $50 a week.

And he's the only
boarder that Granny's got.

Yeah, and if he leaves,
who's going to eat

them 30 gallons of
crawdad gumbo I made?

And them eight gallons
of buttermilk I churned?

And the three kettles
of grits and fatback,

and all the other vittles?

I will! Line up for inspection.

PINCKNEY: Quiet! Quiet!

Stand at attention.

Yes.

Yes.

This moustache comes off.

No, sir, it's growed on.

Then shave it off.

I'd rather not.

I order you to shave it off!

Why, I don't believe I will.

I kind of like it.

We do, too. Same
here. We do, too.

Now hear this.

All of you!

I have committed myself
to the challenging task

of shaping you
into a proper staff,

and I shall not flag or fail.

I shall fight you in
the drawing room.

I shall fight you in
the bed chambers.

I shall fight you
in the kitchen.

And I shall so bear myself
that if Arthur Pinckney

and his fame last
for a thousand years,

men will still say, "This
was his finest hour."

(door knocker clinking)

Footman, open that door.

Mister, if you think I'm
going to let anybody see me

in this getup, you got
another thing comin'.

I've issued an order!

I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

Pa don't cotton to folks
layin' hands on him.

You best let go of him or that
fightin' you were talkin' about

is going to commence
right here in the hall.

(door knocker clinking)

Come in.

Granny!

I was right!

It's a snafu.

Mr. Drysdale, sir,
I need more time.

Progress has been made,

but I have a long way to go.

You certainly have,

all the way back to London.

I beg your pardon, sir?

He ain't goin' back to London.

I grant you, he's a bit bossy,

but he pays me well,
and he's my only boarder.

"Boarder"? Why this man is...

Chief, I must speak to
you alone for a moment.

Most urgent.

Excuse me.

What is it?

A brilliant inspiration!

Pinckney must remain
with the Clampetts.

We've tried that. They
won't take servants.

Under the guise of
a boarder, they will.

Pinckney can teach
them the social graces.

A golden opportunity. Hmm...

I suppose I'll have to
pay him a lot of money.

It's worth it. Mr. Drysdale!

You'd best come
help Mr. Pinckney.

What happened? Well, Pa went
upstairs to change his clothes,

and Mr. Pinckney
tried to stop him.

Well, I think you'd
best go and help him.

Pinckney? Pinckney!

PINCKNEY: Up here, sir.

How did you get up there?

Mr. Clampett hung me here, sir.

(horn honking)

Hey, Uncle Jed.

I found out why Granny
ain't gettin' no more boarders.

You did? Yes, sir!

Somebody went and
stole every single one

of them signs we put up.

I'll quick go paint some more.

I'd just soon you
didn't right off.

Leastways, not till
Mr. Pinckney leaves.

I don't think I can abide
another boarder like him.

He sure has changed a heap.

Polite as you please now.

Always tryin' to help.

About to help me
right out of my mind.

Every time you turn
around, there he is.

Mr. Clampett, you
shouldn't be doing that, sir.

It's time to dress
for dinner, sir.

You, too, Master Jethro.

We's dressed.

But hardly appropriately, sir.

I've taken the liberty
of providing you both

with dinner clothes.

I'd just soon eat in these.

Me, too.

Oh, please, sir.

It means a very
great deal to me.

More than I can tell you.

All right. Oh, thank you, sir.

And you're setting
a fine example

for young Master Jethro.

Come on, young Master Jethro.

What an appalling eyesore.

Into the garage with you.

Granny, you should've
seen your boarder

tryin' to move the truck.

Why, he can't
drive worth shucks.

He can't count
worth shucks, neither.

Nothin' would have it,

but he had to set
the table for me.

Dern fool had five
forks at ever plate.

(silverware clatters)

Four knives and three spoons.

And look at the glasses.

(knocking on door)

Oh!

Looks as if I've
come just in time, sir.

I will dress you, sir.

You'll what? Dress you, sir.

Well, I-I wouldn't bet on that.

But you need my help, sir.

I been dressin' myself
for a lot of years,

and I aim to keep
right on doing it.

I insist, sir.

Mr. Pinckney, if you
want to dress me,

you got to shoot
me and skin me first.

Haw-haw-haw, yes.

Well, now, let's get on with it.

Chief, in all fairness,
Pinckney has hardly

had time to get results.

The money I'm paying
him, he's had time.

Of course, Pinckney is
just a cultural beachhead.

Once he's established, we
can infiltrate the Clampetts

with cooks, maids, tutors...

Howdy, Miss Jane, Mr. Drysdale.

Jethro, how... how
handsome you look.

Why, thank you.

These here's what
you call dinner clothes.

By golly, results already.

Mr. Pinckney is helping
Uncle Jed into his.

I'd like to
congratulate Pinckney.

Where is he?

Up here, sir.

I've been hung up again, sir.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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