The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 3, Episode 1 - Jed Becomes a Movie Mogul - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Jed, how long you
gonna set here whittlin'?

Till I whittle up an idea

for something
better to do, I reckon.

City livin'... nothing to
do and all day to do it.

Come night, you're
only half done.

This be the
ruination of all of us.

(car horn honking)

Yonder come Miss Jane.

Mr. Drysdale ain't with her.

Mr. Drysdale's in New York.

Well, I wish we was in New
York away from this city livin'.

I hear tell New York is
bigger than Beverly Hills.

Go on.

It don't seem possible, but
that's what Mr. Drysdale said.

Oh, he was only greenin' ya.

JED: Howdy, Miss Jane.

JANE: Greetings.

Granny, Mr. Clampett,

I have the most
thrilling, exciting news.

Mr. Drysdale telephoned
from New York this morning.

Well, that beats anything

that happened around
here this morning.

Say, Miss Jane, is it true

New York is bigger
than Beverly Hills?

Yes, indeed, eight
million people,

but listen to this.

Mr. Clampett, you now
own a motion picture studio.

Is that a fact?

You hear that, Granny?

Yeah, and I still
don't believe it.

Eight million people?

That ain't all, Granny.

Mr. Drysdale says they got
trains that runs underground.

Is that true, Miss Jane?

Yes, but I think you fail
to grasp the significance

of Mr. Drysdale's message.

You see, for some time
now, Mammoth Picture Studios

has been in trouble,

and Mr. Drysdale has been
buying stock in your name.

Yesterday he flew to
New York to represent you

at a board of directors meeting,

and you now control
Mammoth Pictures.

You don't say?

I just want to
ask you one thing.

Who's the engineer, a gopher?

What engineer?

Them trains that
run underground.

You ain't heard it all.

They got buildings there
high as a goose flies.

Ain't that right, Miss Jane?

Right... right.

But please, I still don't think
you comprehend the message.

Let me repeat what
Mr. Drysdale said.

I've heard more than
I can swallow now.

I've got pigs
knuckles on the stove.

Would you join us, Miss Jane?

But, Mr. Clampett, aren't
you the least bit thrilled

by what you've just
heard? Shucks, no.

Since we can afford it, we have
pigs knuckles once or twice a week.

No, I mean about owning
a motion picture studio.

Aren't you thrilled?

Can't say as I am.

Don't know much about it.

You're a Selznick, a
Warner, a Zanuck, a Skouras!

Miss Jane, ain't no call
to go mean-mouthing me.

Well, yes...

Mr. Drysdale will talk to
you when he comes back.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

I wish you wouldn't run off mad.

It's not that I'm mad,

it's just that I don't seem able

to make you
understand what you are.

What's that?

You're a big Hollywood
mogul, a czar, a magnet.

Please, Miss Jane,
not in front of the boy.

Howdy, Miss Jane.

Are you going to stay
and have knuckles with us?

I'm sorry, Jethro.

I have to hurry
back to the office.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye, Miss Jane.
No hard feelings.

Granny says I got
to sweep up outside

before I can have vittles.

Say, Jethro, do you
know anything about

owning what they call
a motion picture studio?

No, sir, I don't.

Well, don't ever admit
it in front of Miss Jane.

Makes her madder than a hornet.

I think we best drive
over to that studio

and kind of get acquainted.

Doggone, this
is the biggest pile

of whittlings I ever did see.

That's mostly dog.

Get up, Duke.

Jed, what we gonna do
over at that movie studio?

Well, that depends on
what kind of trouble it's in.

All we can do is
sort of look around

and see what needs doing,
and then pitch in and do it.

I reckon I'll be a
producer or director.

Maybe a star.

Well, I can take
care of critters,

like Rin Tin Tin and
Tarzan the Ape Man.

I can cook vittles
for Hoot Gibson.

That's the spirit.

What are you going
to do, Uncle Jed?

Well, at first, I
reckon all I can do

is just sort of stand
around and own the place.

SECURITY GUARD:
Hold it. Hold it.

Now just where do
you think you're going?

We's goin' on inside
to the movie studio.

Oh? You got a pass?

No, we'll pay cash.

Jed, you don't have to
pay, you own the place.

Oh, we can afford to
help them out, Granny.

How much for the four of us?

Now be sure and
get matinee prices.

Are you kidding?

Now look, just turn this heap
around and get out of here.

Now we don't want no trouble.

Just charge whatever
you think is fair.

(horn honking)

Look, you're blocking traffic.

Now will you clear out?

Tell him who you are, Pa.

Yeah, I reckon I better.

I'm Jed Clampett.
I own this studio.

Oh. I'm glad to meet you.

I'm Rock Hudson.

Well, pleased to
meet you, Mr. Hudson.

This here's Jethro, Granny...

Will you get out
before I call the police

and have you arrested?!

I don't know what all
trouble they's having,

but one thing they could
use is a friendlier ticket taker.

JED: Y'all wait here.

I'll go talk to Miss Jane.

I-I blame myself for what
happened, Mr. Clampett.

When I called you a Zanuck,
a big Hollywood mogul,

I obviously got
you all stirred up.

Oh, Miss Jane, I don't
hold that again' ya.

I shouldn't have done it.

But I'm certain Mr. Drysdale
doesn't intend for you

to take an active
interest in the studio.

They's having
trouble, ain't they?

Oh, yes.

That's how he was able
to grab it so cheaply...

invest in it so wisely.

Why don't we just let matters
ride until Mr. Drysdale returns.

Now, Miss Jane,
if I own the studio,

I feel it's my bound
and duty to go over there

and take a good look around.

Oh, well, I can
certainly arrange that.

A tour of the lot will
be very interesting.

I'll call the head of the studio...
Mr. Lawrence Chapman.

Well, thank you.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, I'd appreciate it if
you'd put in a good word

with that fella at the
gate... Rock Hudson.

Will do.

Rock Hudson?

How long will you be in the
projection room, Mr. Chapman?

I don't know.

(snaps fingers) What
am I going to see?

Rushes of Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. Hyde.

Who's producing?

Your cousin Howard.

Who's directing?

Your brother-in-law Fred.

Who's on camera?

Your nephew Mike.

What about sets and wardrobe?

Your Uncle John and Aunt Opal.

Who am I starring?

Sir Trevor Gielgud
Burton-Guiness.

He's not related.

Oh, yes, the big
British actor, eh?

What am I paying him?

A half a million
and a percentage.

Mm-mm... Is he married?

No, sir.

Make sure he meets
Aunt Harriet's daughter.

(phone ringing)

Hello. Executive Theater.

Oh, yes, just a moment.

Miss Jane Hathaway.

Never heard of her.

She's with the Commerce Bank.

Never heard of her.

They represent the
new owner of the studio.

Hello, Janey baby.

Hiya, sweetie.

How's my favorite princess?

Of course I know you.

They're on their way over?

Now don't you worry, doll,

I'll make sure they get
the red carpet treatment.

They'll be dressed how?

Driving a what?

Boy, I can't wait to commence
being a movie producer.

What does a a movie producer do?

Mostly he just goes
around asking pretty girls

do they want to be in movies.

That sounds like
something you can handle.

Where'd you learn to
be a movie producer?

Seen a movie about one.

Keep your eyes open, boy.

Yonder's our studio.

Here they come. Flag them down.

I'll put them in my car.

Do you mean to tell me those
people actually do own the studio?

Come on, flag them
down. Oh, all right.

Hold it. Hold it. JED:
Howdy, Mr. Hudson.

JETHRO: Thank you, Mr. Hudson.

ELLY MAY: Howdy, Mr. Hudson.

GRANNY: Howdy, Mr. Hudson.

Boy, that Rock Hudson
sure is friendly now.

Yeah, waving like
wash on a windy day.

Gee, I'm sorry.

How long you been a guard here?

Well, I just moved
into this job last week.

Move back to your old job.

Catch up with that truck.

Gee, I'm a producer again.

Thanks, Uncle Larry!

By doggies, they sure got
a bunch of dandy big barns.

GRANNY: They must be
making a lot of cowboy pictures.

Maybe Hoot Gibson's in there!

Reckon all them
barn's is full of horses?

Them ain't what you call barns.

Them's what you call stages.

They ain't full of horses,
they's full of actors.

Well, look who knows
all there is to know.

Well, I know that much.

I'll pull right up over here to
the next one and show you.

Mr. Clampett.

Mr. Clampett.

Yes, sir, I'm Jed Clampett.

Lawrence Chapman, studio head.

Oh, howdy, howdy.

This is a rare
moment, Mr. Clampett.

You're the talk of the industry.

I am?

The way you took
over this studio

brings back the old days.

You know what they're
calling you here in Hollywood?

Well, I...

They're calling you a
Laemmele, a Zucker, a Roach.

Do you feel that way?

To me, you're the biggest.

Well, I got to admire ya
for saying it to my face.

Oh, uh... This
here is my family.

Granny, Elly May,
Jethro, meet Mr. Chapman.

Howdy. Howdy,
Mr. Chapman. Howdy.

Where's your little mustache
and your hat and your cane?

What?

Do your funny little
walk for us, Charlie.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

My name is Chapman.

Oh.

Hey, can we go inside
and look around now?

Not right now. They're
shooting in there.

I told you it was cowboys.

As a matter of fact,

they're shooting
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

They must be the outlaws.

Sure do wish we
could go in and watch.

You can go inside as
soon as the shooting stops.

See, but it's not a Western.

It's a remake of the Robert
Louis Stevenson classic.

I don't hear no shootin'.

Come on, young'uns, No, wait!

DIRECTOR: Who
opened the door?! Cut!

Mr. Clampett, this
is just a visit, isn't it?

I mean, you and your family
probably can't stay long.

Aw, you cheer up, Mr. Chapman,
we ain't gonna run out on you.

You ain't... aren't?

Well, we hear you got trouble.

Well, we've had
a few bad breaks,

but we're coming
back real strong.

You know, working
on that stage right now

is one of the biggest
names in the business?

Sir Trevor Gielgud
Burton-Guinness.

That's a big'un all right.

We're paying him
half a million dollars,

plus a percentage,

but he's worth it...
Box-office dynamite.

Women are mad about him.

Oh, Sir Trevor!

I want you to meet a
very important man...

Mr. Jed Clampett.

This is Sir Trevor
Gielgud Burton-Guinness,

the famous star.

Charmed, old boy.

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Sir Trevor.

Mr. Clampett owns the studio.

You'll pardon my
saying so, Mr. Clampett,

but you don't look the part.

Well, uh... No, I reckon not.

How's the picture going?

Well, frankly, I'd
like some younger,

prettier girls to work with.

Excuse us, sir.

Come along.

I'll speak to the
casting director.

He's my nephew.

Jed, did you see
that hairy goober

with the high hat and the...

Shh... Yonder he stands.

That man can cure hiccups.

He is right plain-looking.

Snazzy dresser,
though, and a big star.

Go on!

That is Mr. Sir Trevor
Gielgud Burton-Guinness.

Hoot Gibson's horse
looks better than him.

Folks, how did
you like Sir Trevor?

Oh, just fine.

Magnificent Hyde,
don't you think?

Well, uh... I've seen better

on the backside
of a mangy buffalo.

What?

Oh, by the way, Mr. Clampett,

Sir Trevor would like
you to join him for lunch

in his dressing room.

He would, huh? Yeah.

I believe I'll pass
that up, Mr. Chapman.

I'll tell him, then.

Pardon me. Thanks.

If he'd have said any
place but his dressing room,

I might have said yeah.

What you mean, Jed?

Well, he looks bad
enough with his clothes on.

Dogged if I want to be eating
lunch when he takes them off.

What do you mean, they're
driving around the lot?!

I told you to take them to
the executive dining room

and keep them busy
eating for a while, didn't I?

I tried, but there wasn't
anything on the menu they liked.

Send out for it!

Where do you send
for possum shanks

and pickled crawdads?

Go!

Alvin,

I've got to do something to
impress Mr. Clampett quick,

or I'm going to be unemployed.

When I'm unemployed,
everybody's unemployed.

Well, wasn't he impressed by Sir
Trevor Gielgud Burton-Guinness?

Ahh...

What does he know
from British actors?

If only we were shooting a
picture with Rock Hudson.

Universal's shooting one.

Uh, Rock Hudson and Doris Day.

Alvin, you're a schnook.

How does that help me?

Well, you borrow
yesterday's rushes

and you let Mr. Clampett
think they're yours.

Alvin, I'm amazed at you.

I didn't think you were capable

of such a devious
and dishonest scheme.

You may be running
this studio yet.

Me?

Thanks, Dad.

This is what we call
our Executive Theater.

Now, you folks go inside,

sit down and make
yourselves comfortable.

I'm going upstairs and
talk to the projectionist.

I'll join you all in a moment.

Right this way, please.

Thank you very much.

Not at all. Thank you.

Why, this here is the fanciest
movie theater I ever did see.

Shucks, it ain't got but seven
seats in the whole place.

Not enough business
to even fill them?

Pitiful, pitiful.

Well, there ain't
no piany player.

Ain't got a piany to play.

Heck fire, you can't even
buy popcorn or jawbreakers.

Pitiful, just pitiful.

Well, let's sit down.

Maybe the movie will be good.

Well!

I got a real treat for you.

How would you
like to be the first

to see Rock Hudson and
Doris Day together again

after four years?

What do you say, Jed?

Well, if they's getting
together after all that time,

maybe they'd want to be alone.

No thanks, Mr. Chapman,

uh, we'd just rather
see the movie.

Well, that's what I mean.

You'll be the first to see
the dailies. The rushes.

It's the film that
was made yesterday.

Oh, fine, fine.

That'll be dandy.

Believe me, Mr. Clampett,

this new Rock Hudson-
Doris Day picture

is going to be a smash.

I'll see you when
it's over. Pardon me.

Well, I'm glad to
know that Hudson fella

can do more than take tickets.

Maybe if he's
good in the picture

he can give up that
job out by the gate.

We'll soon see.

JETHRO: Reckon that's Rock
Hudson? GRANNY: Must be.

By doggies, he sure
looks better up there

than he does out at the gate.

ELLY MAE: Why, that
there must be Doris Day.

Pretty little thing.

She sure is.

Oh, my darling, are you
having another nightmare?

Uh... no, I, I... Oh,
there, sweetheart.

Actually, somebody hit me.

Oh... oh... it's
all right, darling.

I'm here now.

JUDY: Well, I think there's

a bottle of champagne
in the refrigerator.

GEORGE: Mmm... I'll get it.

I'll get it.

(clattering)

You're sweet, Judy.

I really don't
need a wheelchair.

Oh, darling, you need
to conserve your strength.

♪ You're a sweetheart. ♪

♪ Bumpa-buh-bum-bum... ♪

♪ Bumpa-buh-bum-bum... ♪

Judy. Judy!

Judy, let me, let me in!

Judy, I swear to
you, please let me in,

or I'll catch my death of cold!

Good! And be sure
to give it to Linda!

Is that the end?

Must be. They
turned on the lights.

Just when I was
getting interested.

The shortest
movie I ever did see.

What'd you think of it, Jed?

They keep on showing
movies that short,

they can take out
some of these seats.

What did I tell you?

Is that a hit, or is that a hit?

And how about that Rock Hudson?

Isn't he handsome?

Well, he sure is.

No denying that.

He's got that Mr. Sir
Trevor backed off a mile.

Now that you know
how things are going,

I'm sure you're
anxious to leave?

I am.

Me, too. Let's go. I'm hungry.

Now, hold on. Shame on you.

Of course we's anxious to go,

but can we run off and
leave this poor man?

Please.

You see, he's
begging us to stay.

Now, let's fan out and dig in.

No, no, wait. I'll figure out
where you're needed the most,

then I'll come back and get you.

Well, my nephew would
like to be a producer.

That's what I need...
Another nephew producer.

Hot dog!

Yeah, boy. Looks
like you're set.

Yeah.

Well, how'd it go?

You're a schnook
again, that's how it went.

No, no, no. I need an idea.

Something to make
Mr. Clampett happy.

Well, let's see, uh...

We could name a salad
after him in the commissary.

Put his daughter in pictures.

Uh, give him your office.

That's it. Give him your office?

No, no. Name a salad after him?

No, no, put his daughter,
Elly Mae in pictures.

It never fails.

Can she act? It doesn't matter.

Sir Trevor's been yelling
for younger and prettier girls.

All she has to do
is get strangled.

My daughter could play it.

Well, she is, Dad.

No wonder he's been yelling.

Jethro's right anxious to
commence producing, Mr. Chapman.

Oh, fine, fine. Now,
Jethro, your first job will be

to find a beautiful girl.

See, Uncle Jed, I told you

I knowed how to
be a movie producer.

She should be the same
type as your cousin Elly Mae.

Just about her size.
Blonde, like Elly.

Same kind of voice,
figure, everything.

Gee, that's a tough one.

Well, how about her?

Granny?

No, no. Elly.

Take Elly over to Makeup.

Well, why? We ain't had no spat.

Oh, the makeup room.

That's where they get the
stars ready for the camera.

Make them look good. Alvin!

No, no. Take Elly Mae and
Jethro to Makeup, and then

to Wardrobe. Fast!
Yes, sir. Follow me.

Come on, Elly Mae. I just
bought you a movie! (whistles)

Now we got them working now,
what can Granny and me do?

Well, uh...

we're doing some location
work in Death Valley.

Uh... ever been there?

No.

I think you'll like it.

I say, old boy, did you
find me a young, pretty girl

for the midnight
strangulation scene?

Oh, yes, Sir Trevor.

She's in Makeup now.

Beautiful girl. Lovely neck.

Absolutely smashing, old boy.

See you on the set. Ta-ta.

Mr. Chapman?

Uh... that makeup room,

where they get folks
looking good for the camera?

Mr. Sir Trevor knows
about that, huh?

Does he ever. They work on
him for three hours every morning

getting him to look like that.

Uh-huh.

Did you hear that, Granny?

Yep. And I want to
tell you something.

If he looks like
that coming out,

I hope I never see him going in.

Now, Miss Clampett,

you're standing
under this street lamp

waiting for your
sweetheart and suddenly...

But I ain't got no sweetheart.

Oh, that's all right.
We never see him.

Suddenly, Sir Trevor appears
out of the darkness and the fog.

You're afraid of him.

No, I ain't.

You will be, I assure you.

So just react naturally.

Sir Trevor, shall we
have a rehearsal?

Darn it all, old chap,
let's get on with the scene.

All right, quiet on
the set. This is a take.

Ellie sure is pretty, ain't she?

Yeah. I sure wish she was
making a movie with Rock Hudson.

Shh!

Who do you think
you're shushing?!

I'm her granny.
Well, I'm the producer.

I discovered her.

DIRECTOR: Quiet!

Watch Ellie.

Action!

What a pretty maiden.

(laughs)

Hello, my dear.

Oh, hi, there, Mr. Sir Trevor.

DIRECTOR: Cut!

Miss Clampett, you do
not speak in this scene.

Just react to Sir Trevor.

Now, once again.

Ellie was just
trying to be friendly.

Yeah, you'd think he'd want
all the friends he can get.

DIRECTOR: Now, quiet!

Action!

Oh, what a pretty maiden.

Hello, my dear.

(laughs)

I was afraid he'd turn mean.

Elly can handle him.

(Sir Trevor yelling)

(yelling)

I told you.

Look at that goober run.

Sir Trevor! What happened?

What's wrong?!

Glad she ain't hurt.

Doggone it, Elly done
ruined my first movie!

Yeah, don't worry about it, boy.

Make the movie with Rock Hudson.

You'll save three hours
a day just on makeup.

Sir Trevor! Come back!

We have to finish the picture!

Sir Trevor!

Wait! Sir Trevor!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.