The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Clampetts Are Overdrawn - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Aha! I caught you!

What?!

So, you're the rascal that's
been poisoning our pond!

Get to your feet!

I'm not poisoning anything.

You're not, huh?

Get around.

Get around there!

Now, if you're not
poisoning the pond,

let's see you tip up
that jug and take a swig.

Well, I can't do that.

It's concentrated chlorine.

It kills the algae and fungus.

It kills fish, too!

We've tried two or three
times to stock this pond.

But this water's
only for swimming.

What do you think fish do, walk?

Now, you take your jug of
poison and get out of here!

Lady, I'm only following
orders of Mr. Drysdale.

Aha!

So, Mr. Drysdale put
you up to this, did he?

Yes, ma'am.

And now, if you don't mind,

I'm running a little late.

You're runnin' fast,
that's how your runnin'!

(gunshot)

(thudding)

Sounds like Granny
must've treed something.

All right, Jethro...

read me that letter
from Mr. Drysdale's bank.

I don't think you're gonna
want to hear it, Uncle Jed.

It's terrible news. Like what?

Like you ain't got
no more money!

I don't want no more money.

I got more than I
can use right now.

$35, 40 million, ain't it?

Not according to this letter.

You ain't got nothin'!

You're broke!

Broke?! Jed Clampett?!

Yes, ma'am, that's a fact.

He's what they call overdrawed.

What does that mean?

Well, that means that you
owe Mr. Drysdale's bank, uh...

uh... 34 dollars and 70 cents.

Ah!

That's why he wanted
to get shed of us.

Putting poison in our pond.

Next thing you know, he'll
be burning down our barn!

Who?

Mr. Drysdale, that's who!

Oh, he was nice as pie to you

when you had
millions in his bank,

but now that it's all gone,
he has no use for you.

How could all that
money be gone?!

Jethro, are you for
sure positive certain

that letter's for me?

Oh, yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

There it is, wrote
in black and white...

"Mr. J.D. Clampett."

(breathes deeply)

(coughing)

Why don't you go out

and get yourself an honest job?!

Opal, an actor must
keep himself available

in case the studio calls.

You've been available
now for over ten years,

and they ain't called you!

Must you tell it to
all the neighbors?

Who's telling them?

They already know you're a bum!

I am an actor!

You are a bum!

Opal, you... you are
going to regret that

when my big break
comes, and it's due.

Charles Boyer has
switched to character parts.

So? So,

who do you think is
going to take his place

as the suave,
continental, leading man?

Not you, Jake.

That's Jacques!

That's Jerk!

Oh!

Maybe the good news is
right here in this mailbox.

Now, you listen to me:

you open that box,

and you're gonna pick up
every single bill that falls out.

(laughs)

(groans)

Hold your apron, Opal.

Why I put up with
this, I'll never know.

Someday, this
will all be fan mail.

Can't even go home to Mother.

We're living with her.

Someday, I will open
this bank statement,

and it will say
that I am worth...

36 million, 400 and
22 thousand dollars.

And that day, I will
turn into Liz Taylor.

It did say that.

Did say what?

I'm worth 36 million, 400
and 22 thousand dollars.

(screams)

Well, don't just
stand there, Liz.

Help me look!

I'll tell you where your
money went, Jed Clampett...

Why you're flat busted broke...

You're living too
high on the hog!

Hello? Could I speak
to Mr. Drysdale, please?

Oh... Oh, thank you very kindly.

Mr. Drysdale's
done left for the bank.

What do you mean,
"Too high on the hog"?

That's what I mean,
"Too high on the hog."

Back home, you used to
holler two miles to your neighbor.

Out here, you can't
even holler next door.

You have to use an
expensive telephone!

Well, now, Granny,
I don't hardly think

I spent $35 million
on the telephone.

Milk man come.

(groans) Want some?

That's what I mean.

Buying milk off'n a truck,

instead of having a cow
and squeezing our own!

There you go!

Using your finger
instead of your lungs.

Well, now, Granny,

the bank's about a
four to five mile holler.

Uncle Jed, I'll drive you
down to the bank in the truck.

That's the most
sinful waste of all...

Buying expensive
gasoline for that fancy truck,

instead of walking a
paltry eight or ten mile.

I don't mind walking.

Just got my shoes fixed.

And you wonder
where your money went.

Well, Granny, it's cheaper
than buying him a new pair.

Young'uns don't need
shoes out here in Beverly Hills.

That's one thing
this place has got...

Barefoot weather
the whole year round!

Morning, Pa.

Can I ask you something?

Sure, Elly.

There you are!

There's the whole
thing in a nutshell.

Take a good look, everybody.

Well, what's the matter, Granny?

I was just fixing to give
Wendell his breakfast.

That's just it.

Back home, we used
to live off of possums!

Out here, possums
are living off of us!

Fetch me my big
lard barrel, Jethro.

Lard barrel?!

Granny, you ain't fixing
to fry up Wendell, are you?

No, child. I'm fixing
to pack up our things

and all our belongings
and go on back home,

and stop this mad,
crazy spending spree

before we all end
up in the poor house!

Or maybe get poisoned
from the poison pond.

Poison pond?!

Well, Granny, me and Wendell
was just going swimming!

Well, save your swimming
for the crick back home!

Now, simmer down, Granny.

I don't believe Mr. Drysdale
poisoned our pond

no more than I believe
we spent all our money.

Here you are, Granny.

Hold it, Jethro. Put that down.

Well, if it ain't
spent, where is it?

That's what I'm
calling up to find out.

Well, good morning to you,
Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills.

This here is Jed Clampett.

Could I speak to
Mr. Drysdale, please?

Thank you, ma'am.

Everything must be fine.

They's real friendly.

Mr. Drysdale's office.

No, I'm sorry.

He's on his way to the
airport for an out-of-town trip.

Mr. Drysdale's leaving town?

That's where your money
went, leaving town with him!

Now hold on.

Could I please talk
to Miss Hathaway?

I'm afraid she's
with Mr. Drysdale.

They's both gone?

It took 'em both
to tote your money!

Start packing, young'uns.

Come on, everybody,
let's get going.

Pa, Granny says she ain't
a-coming with us to the bank.

She's a-coming, all right.

If I leave her here,

she's liable to move
out before we get back.

But Pa, she's
a-packing a barrel,

and she says she
ain't gonna leave it.

Don't you worry about
this; hop on there.

Now, Granny,

we's all going down to the bank.

You want to sit up
there next to Elly,

or do you want to
ride in that barrel?

I'll ride with Elly.

But only because I'm
setting on the cabbage grater!

Ooh!

Start her up, Jethro.

Yeah, start her up and
squander some more

of that money that we
ain't got none left of!

Gasoline or no gasoline,

we's all going down to the bank

and see about this
overdrawed letter.

Let her roll, Jethro.

(tires squeal)

Hey, you in that truck...
You can't stop there.

Move on.

But Mr. Policeman,

we got business
in the bank there.

Move on, or I'll
give you a ticket.

Oh, no thank you.

We already got a
ticket for parking here.

Two of 'em: a $5
ticket, and a $10 ticket.

By doggies, we should
have brung 'em along.

Move on, or I'll
give you a $20 ticket.

Thank you very kindly, but
we couldn't let you do that.

What?!

We still got our pride,

even though we
is flat-busted broke!

Oh, you're vagrants.

No, sir, we's
Clampetts... I'm Jed,

this is Elly May, and
sitting next to her...

Listen, do you want
me to run you in?

Well, no sir... you just
stand aside, I'll walk in.

You see, we got
business in there.

Oh, you're not only traffic
violators and vagrants,

you're bum check artists!

Now, get that heap out of here
before I arrest the lot of you!

You sure ain't
being very friendly.

We don't want your
kind in Beverly Hills.

Now move it.

You wouldn't talk so
sassy if I had my gun!

Gun...?

Drive on, Jethro.

I got the feeling that we ain't
welcome around here no more.

Jake, there's a cop.

Maybe you shouldn't
try to cash the check.

Baby, it's the bank's
mistake, not mine!

Besides, is a man
with $36 million

gonna miss a few thousand?

Yeah, but it still
seems dishonest.

It isn't your money.

Baby, to get a
break in Hollywood,

you've got to
put up a big front.

This is my chance!

Next week, when
I'm a big star...

I'll pay it back,
I'll pay it back.

Well, Janet, Mr. Drysdale
is winging east,

and that leaves you and me

to man this nerve
center of our mighty bank.

A little frightening,
isn't it, hmm?

Yes, Miss Hathaway.

Now, during the Chief's absence,

I shall occupy his office, and
you will remain at my desk.

(phone ringing)

Miss Hathaway's office.

One moment, please.

It's the new teller,
Mr. Wilson. Mm-hmm.

He said there's a rather
shabbily-dressed man

by the name of J.D. Clampett

wanting to withdraw $10,000.

Wilson, Hathaway here.

Don't let appearances
deceive you.

Mr. J.D. Clampett is
good for any amount

up to $36,422,000.

Mm-hmm.

Glad to help.

36 million!

Needless to say,

he is Mr. Drysdale's
favorite depositor.

Oh, that reminds me.

The Chief is having some
work done at the Clampett estate.

New filtering system for pool,

repairs to the driveway.

I'll get on the phone

and see that these
things are taken care of.

Oh, and, uh, by-the-by,

if Jethro should stop up
to see me, just send him in.

Jethro?

Oh, he's that big,
good-looking kid.

I'll be watching for him.

Janet... stand up, dear.

Up!

Could you, uh,
walk for me, please?

Turn around for
me, Janet, please.

Turn around.

You take the Chief's office.

I'll remain out here.

But I... That is an order!

How about it, Uncle Jed?

We gonna pack up
and go back to the hills?

It's up to you to decide, Jed.

You're the head of the clan.

Whatever you say goes.

What's it gonna be, Pa?

Go back home or stay here?

We're gonna stay here.

No we ain't! We're
goin' back home!

Granny!

Uncle Jed's gonna
whomp you, Granny!

I'd rather get whomped
than poisoned.

Or shot down by
Mr. Drysdale's hired killers.

What hired killers?

That policeman
out front of his bank!

He was going for his gun
when we drawed away.

Let's go back and
whomp that rascal!

We'll feud the whole bank!

Yeah! Oh, wait a minute.

Now ain't nobody going nowhere

nor do nothing till I am
dead-for-certain convinced

that Mr. Drysdale
has turned agin' us,

and he is trying to
get hisself rid of us.

What does he have to do

to convince you, Jed?

Who's that?

I don't know, but
I smell hot tar.

Me, too.

Well, Jed, does tar and
feathers convince you?

Now just calm down, everybody.

Hey, mister, whatcha
got in that little tank there?

Hot tar.

Is it, uh, for anyone
in particular?

Yeah.

A fella named Clampett.

This your idea or did, uh,
somebody put you up to it?

Man named Drysdale
hired me for the job.

Well, Jed, heard enough?

Convinced now?

Course he's convinced!

Let's whomp that little
rascal and head for the hills.

Yeah. Now, hold on, now.

I can handle that little fella.

As far as the leaving goes,

no matter how sorry
Mr. Drysdale goes to treating us,

we got to stay a mite longer.

Why? Why? Why? What for?

'Cause it says
here in his letter

we owe the bank $34.70,

and we can't leave
town owin' money.

We ain't got $34.70.

Then we gotta
go out and earn it.

Ain't never been a Clampett
known to do a dishonest thing,

and we ain't gonna be the first.

Now don't you and your
mother wait dinner for me, doll.

I'll grab a bite at the
studio commissary.

What studio?
Well, how can I tell

until after I've
weighed all the offers?

Oh, and, uh,
start packing, doll.

I can't wait to get away

from that old broken-down heap.

Now, that's no way to
talk about mother's house.

Who's talking about her house?

Jake Clampett!

Jacques, dear, Jacques.

Oh, and, doll, here...

Get yourself some
decent clothes.

But Jake...!

Don't worry...

I'm on my way to
the bank for more.

Get yourself a mink.

After all, your husband's
in pictures now.

You are the wife of a star!

I'm the wife of a bum!

Uh, little man, uh,

can't I talk you out of this?

Why don't you stop bugging me.

I got a job to do.

Yeah, well, like I
keep telling you,

I don't think you're man enough
to do it, leastways not alone.

Well, I do.

Please, uh, won't you
give up this notion?

Want to know something?

You're gonna get
hot tar all over you.

Well, I'm sorry you're
such a muley little fella.

(man yells)

(crash)

There he goes!

Just be thankful I didn't
head-first you into the hot tar.

(echoing): Yes, sir!

Thank you, sir!

Now let's go figure out
how to raise that money.

How about Rusty, my
swimmi" bird-lovin' cat, Pa?

Do I have to sell him?

Well, I tell you, Elly,
we do need the money,

and swimmin' bird-lovin'
cats ain't too common.

Might bring a good price.

All right, Pa.

Well, how about Earl,

my Benny rooster
that plays dead?

Well, uh, Benny roosters

that plays dead is,
uh, kind of rare, too.

(rooster clucking)

Pa... do I have
to sell little Arnie?

Well, I tell you what, Elly...

I figure on making so much
money cutting and selling wood,

and with Jethro helping,

and Granny peddling her
pickled crow's gizzards,

your selling your animals
are liable to burden us down

with a lot of money
that we just don't need.

So, uh, turn 'em all loose.

Come on, Earl.

Come on here.

Come on.

How you coming, Jethro?

Putting everything all together,

we got 80 cents.

And we owe $34.70.

Uh, how much does that
leave for us to have to earn?

Well, let's see.

$34.70.

Naught take away
naught leaves naught.

Seven take away eight
leaves, uh, minus one.

Four take away naught,
carry over minus one,

and, uh, bring down the three.

By doggies, you sure can cipher.

That's one thing we
got out of Beverly Hills,

a fine education for you.

Where's my gun? Fetch my gun!

Get me my gun, Jethro!
What's the matter now, Granny?

I just caught another varmint
out by the cement pond.

Says he's gonna
shut off our water.

What for?

Drysdale's orders.

Says he's putti"
in a new system.

(quiet scraping)

I reckon that means
he wants to get rid of us!

I can't believe a man
would be mean enough

to thirst us out of here.

I say it's feudin' time.

We've been provoked
beyond human endurance.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Howdy, Miss Hathaway.

Give me that
phone! I'll take it.

Jed Clampett speaking.

But, Mr. Clampett, how
can you be at home?

You were just downstairs
drawing out another $10,000.

What?!

Stay there.

I'll call you right back.

Well, Jake, you made it,
just like you said you would.

There you are in front
of the movie camera.

MAN: Action!

Cut!

Thank you, Mr. Clampett.

Oh, thank you,
thank... Just one...

This'll be on the 5:00 news.

Thank you so much.

Wasn't that...

Well, did you hear that, Jake?

You're gonna be famous,
just like you always promised.

So maybe a producer will see me.

Call the studios

and tell them to
catch the 5:00 news.

Of course, mere words
can never express

our deep humiliation
over this unforgivable error.

But your bank account
has already been reimbursed

and Mr. Jake
Clampett is safely in jail.

In jail!

Clampett?

Well, yes.

I don't hardly think we
can hold still for that.

But he took your money!

Oh, any kin of mine is
welcome to whatever I got.

But you don't know
that he is your kin.

We don't know
that he ain't, neither.

I reckon we'd like him
fetched out of there

just as quick as can be.

All right, if you insist.

Now this is what I mean
by putting up a front.

Wow, Jake! That's Jacques.

I warn you not to try and
take advantage of this situation.

I am certain there is not
the remotest possibility

that you could be
even distantly related

to these wonderful people.

And I'm rushing back to the bank
now to check you out thoroughly.

(door knocker clanking)

Well, howdy there!

You must be Mr. and
Mrs. Clampett.

Cousin Jed!

Pleased to meet you.

Say, what side of the
family are you from?

This is my wife Opal.

And, darling, this is my long
lost favorite cousin, Jed Clampett!

Howdy, ma'am. Hello.

Uh, this here is
my daughter Elly.

Cousin Elly.

And, uh, this here is Granny.

Cousin Elly.

Say howdy to Granny.

Howdy, Granny.

This young lady
belongs in the movies

and I'm going to see
that she gets there.

Why, thank you! Can we all go?

They's gonna be a
double feature tonight.

Isn't that marvelous.

She's so wonderfully
naive and unspoiled.

And this here is
my nephew Jethro.

Howdy.

I hear tell you're
a movie actor.

Quite right, my lad.

Well, let's all go in
and have some vittles

and get better acquainted
with our cousins Opal and Jake.

That's Jacques.

That's Jake.

Wow, Jake!

Look at this room!

Yeah, well, I reckon you
being married to a movie actor,

it ain't quite what
you're used to.

You can say that again!

Well, we got bigger rooms
down the hall, if you'd rather...

Oh, no, no, no,
no, this is fine, fine.

Oh, by the way, don't
let this thing fool you

the way it done Granny.

She thought it was some
kind of a fancy bathtub.

And, uh, duck your head

when you walk under this thing.

Course, you can't hurt it none,

it's been walked into so much

it's just hangin' there
in a hundred pieces.

But, Mr. Clampett,
that's a crystal chandelier.

Yeah, but you don't
want to try to light

none of them candles.

I reached up, stuck my
finger in one of 'em one night

to feel for the wick, knocked
me clean across the room.

Well, it's electrically wired.

Ooh, yeah, it's held
together real good.

Oh!

Well, that's one thing

Jake doesn't have
to worry about.

Being too tall.
Yeah, I noticed that.

He's about the shortest
Clampett I ever did see.

You can say that again!

Short of money, short of talent.

What'd you say, ma'am?

Uh, Opal was just
agreeing with you

that I'm short.

Well, that'll come in real
handy with these beds here.

If Jethro and me was
to sleep in one of them,

we'd hang over
from the knees down.

GRANNY: Can I come in?

JED: What you got there, Granny?

Vittles for the company.

I betcha you two is hungry.

You can say that again!

Let's go wash up.

Oh, yeah, excuse us.

I reckon cousin Jake's woman is,

uh, kind of hard of hearing.

That's the third
time she's asked

to have something said
agin. (clicking tongue)

Maybe she'll get some help

from these pickled
crow gizzards.

She just might-ain't nothin'
hears better than a crow.

Help yourself, Jed.

I got 56 jars of 'em.

Oh, yeah, you made these
to peddle, to help raise money.

Yeah.

But now that we
don't need the money

we got ourselves a couple
of weeks of company eating.

Mmm, they is
finger-lickin' good, Granny!

Can I have seconds?

Hold on, hold on.

Here comes Jake and his missus.

Well, now, isn't
this nice of you.

I reckon it is.

But Jake here
being our cousin...

and a movie picture actor...

you deserve the best!

Hope you folks can stay a spell.

Mmm, well, we wouldn't want...

What, eat and run?

Oh, I think we can manage
at least a week. Good.

How do you like my
pickled crow gizzards?

What did you say they were?

(shouting): I said they're
pickled crow gizzards!

Granny's got 56 jars.

We can have 'em
three meals a day.

What got into her?

I reckon she ain't
partial to crow gizzards.

What do you think
of 'em, Cousin Jake?

Oh, I'm staying a week.

This isn't the first
time I've eaten crow.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways Presentation.