The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 7 - Chickadee Returns - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Mr. Drysdale,

your past is here to haunt you.

What?

Miss Chickadee Laverne...

that stripper you engaged for
one of your "business" dinners.

I am not a stripper.

I am an exotic
interpretive dancer,

and I've got a great new act

for your banker's
convention, Mr. Drysdale,

that is... Elmer and me.

Elmer?

Isn't that Elly May
Clampett's raccoon?

Yeah.

Gee, it's a cute act.

See, I'm Little Red Ridin' Hood

and I'm walking
through the forest

with a basket of
food for my granny

and I get lost and
this raccoon finds me.

He's sitting on a rock

When I pass by, he reaches
out with these cute little hands

and he unties the bow
that holds up my skirt.

Then...

Miss Laverne, we are not
interested in the sordid details

of your ecdysiastical
performance.

What'd she say?

Don't ask me.

And shame on
you for contributing

to the delinquency of a raccoon.

I shall harbor him safely in
my office until such time...

as I can return him
safely to Elly May.

Come, Elmer.

What's with her?

Without Elmer I got no act.

Here.

Get yourself another raccoon...

But not for the
bankers' convention.

I don't think the
act is suitable.

Oh, so you're
backing out on me, too,

just like the Clampetts did.

The Clampetts? Yeah.

I was promised an engagement

up in their mansion.

Then they changed their mind.

Jed Clampett
would never hire you.

His idea of entertainment
is square dancing.

Well, I've danced
for plenty of squares.

And speaking of squares,

it was that big kid,
Jethro, that asked me.

Miss Chickadee, I love you.

Will you marry me?

Jethro, your granny tells me

you got throwed
out o' school today.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

I got throwed out for
writin' on my writin' desk.

What's wrong with that?

I think it was 'cause
I done the writin'

with my pocket knife.

Boy, you been doin' a
lot of foolish things lately.

What's come over you?

I think the boy is ailin', Jed.

Lookie here...

His school lunch ain't
even been touched.

When Jethro
don't eat, he's ailin'.

Everything in
there that he likes.

Grits, jowls, ham
hocks and pone.

How come you
didn't eat 'em, boy?

Uncle Jed, can I
tell you the truth?

Well, I hope you always will.

I ain't hungry
for grits or jowls

or hocks or pone, neither.

All I want is Chickadee.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Granny, fry this boy up a
nice, big pan of chickadee.

There's everything
in here that he likes.

Well, what's this?

That's my writin'
desk I wrote on.

"Chickadee."

Ain't that that big,

strappin' girl you brung home

the day that you went courtin'?

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Found her in Miss
Hathaway's office.

Yeah, she's a mighty
handsome woman.

Said it 'afore,
and I'll say it again:

She's too old for Jethro!

I'm deep in love
with her, Granny.

Hogwash!

How come you never
spoke up about this before?

Well, I knew
Granny was agin' her,

and I was afeared
you might be, too,

so I thought I'd run
off and marry her

and live happy ever after.

Now, Jethro, it takes two people

to make a
happy-ever-after marriage.

What makes you think

that Miss Chickadee
is in love with you?

Well, she loves me
enough to get engaged.

Well, you all heard how
happy she was about that.

Come to think of it, I
recollect her sayin' somethi"

about a engagement, Granny.

Double hogwash!

If she shows up here,

I'll woodshed the both of 'em!

But I'm telling you the truth.

That big kid, Jethro,
was sitting right here,

and when I came
out of your office,

he jumped up, grabbed
me, put me on his truck

and drove me out to
his Uncle Jed's mansion,

where I was promised
an engagement.

Jethro is a headstrong,
impetuous lad

given to irresponsible
behavior at times,

but I assure you, Mr. Clampett

would never engage
the likes of you.

Listen, honey, you don't know

those oil
millionaires like I do.

They give some
pretty crazy parties.

Not Mr. Clampett.

Now take your
tawdry bauble and go.

Gee, where am I gonna
find another raccoon

that knows how to
unfasten a dress?

I'm sure you have a surfeit
of ignominious methods

by which to practice
your reprehensible... art.

Oh, sure, I... what'd you say?

I know you have lots of acts.

Oh, sure, I...

Yeah, I got, uh,
bubbles and fans...

Maybe I could even
go back to my old act,

the one I'm famous for.

You know, the one where
I break out of the egg.

That's how I got my
name, Chickadee.

But that Red Riding
Hood bit sure had zing.

Took a long time to learn, too.

Yes, now, now, now, if you'll
excuse me, Miss Laverne,

I want to give Elly May
the good news about Elmer.

I bet if the Clampetts saw
my Red Riding Hood act

that they would hire...
Will you please go?

Well, all right.

Gee, what a grouch!

Hello.

Oh, Jethro, it's you.

Jane Hathaway here.

Oh, Miss Hathaway,
I'm sure glad you called.

I been tryin' to get up
nerve to call you all week.

You see, I'm deep in love,
and I wanna get married

right away and live
happy ever after!

J-Jethro, you are
an impetuous lad!

This is... this is so sudden!

Oh, no, it ain't.

Why, I've been in love ever
since that day in your office

when we looked at each
other and heard music playin'...

Heart music.

Now, calm down, dear boy.

I'm coming up right away
to bring Elly's raccoon,

and we shall
pursue this further.

Oh, thank you, Miss Jane.

I figured if anybody could
find Miss Chickadee, it's you.

Well, thank you,
Jethro, I'll... find who?

Chickadee Laverne?

Jethro, I'm flabbergasted.

Why, thank you.

Will you find her
and bring her up here,

so I can marry her and
live happy ever after?

I'll do what I think is best.

Uh, I'll do my best
for you, Jethro.

Yee-hah!

Uncle Jed! Uncle Jed!

Well, Chief, the
fat's in the fire now.

You and your exotic dancers.

Corrupting that
sweet, innocent boy.

What are you babbling about?

Jethro is in love with
Chickadee Laverne.

Aw, baloney.

At his age, I was in love
with every showgirl I saw.

It's puppy love.

Jethro thinks
it's the real thing.

He says they looked
at one another,

and he heard music play.

Music?!

Oh, I know how that happened.

When Chickadee left
my office the other day,

she had this little
concealed transistor radio,

so, obviously, when she
ran into Jethro in your office,

he heard the music and
thought... And thought it was love.

How horrible.

Aw, forget it.

Jed Clampett can handle
a case of puppy love.

Miss Hathaway,

there's a raccoon
in your office.

Now, now, now,
Janet, don't panic.

You've seen a raccoon before.

Not like this one.

It keeps trying to undress me.

Couldn't catch him, huh, Elly?

No, sir, Pa.

Jethro's runni" top speed,

and he just keeps
a-yellin' for you.

Well, we'll let him
circle the house again

and head him off out here.

Jed, look what Jethro done!

I was sittin' in my rocker,
and he run me down.

Didn't even stop.

Well, you gotta remember,
Granny, that boy's in love.

We's gonna stop
him this time around.

Well, when you catch him,

I'm gonna smoke
his britches for him!

JETHRO: Uncle Jed!

Sound like he's roundin'
the far turn. Uncle Jed!

Want me to trip him
and sit on him, Pa?

No, I'll head him off, Elly.

JETHRO: Uncle Jed! Uncle Jed!

Commence slowin'
down now, Jethro!

I'm right here!

Now what is it, boy?

Miss Hathaway's gonna
find Miss Chickadee

and fetch her over.

Yee-hah! I'm gonna
see my sweetie!

(creaking)

Jethro, put that truck down.

Don't drop it!

(crashing, creaking)

Jethro, you's actin'
like a bee-stung bobcat.

He's in love, Elly.

Jethro, you go have
yourself a nice, long swim

in the cement pond,
and we'll let you know

when Miss Chickadee gets here.

Yee-hah!

That wild young'un!

I'm so dad-burned
mad I could bite nails!

Granny, I reckon you've forgot

how it feels to be in love.

Why do you suppose
I'm so dad-burned mad?

You know, Duke, just
between you and me,

I can't blame Jethro

for his feelings toward
Miss Chickadee.

I was about to
fall for her myself.

(groaning)

No, it's the truth.

I didn't aim to.

It just happened.

I looked at her,
she looked at me,

and dogged if I didn't
hear music a-playin'!

Uh-oh... yonder she comes.

(music playing from car radio)

Howdy, Mr. Clampett.

It's me, Chickadee.

(music grows louder)

Howdy there.

What's the matter? Is
there something wrong?

Yes, ma'am.

I mean, no, ma'am.

Uh... I reckon you
want to see Jethro.

Right this way.

Hey, wait, wait, Mr. Clampett!

It's you I want to see.

Now, ma'am, you don't wanna see

a ol' broken-down
mountain goat like me,

all crippled up and
wore out, good for nothin'.

What are you talking about?

Me, ma'am.

I'm older than the hills.

(sighs)

Who cares?

Now turn around...
I want to talk to you.

What about?

About the engagement
you promised me.

No, no, that wasn't me,
ma'am, that was Jethro!

Word of honor.

So it was Jethro!

Do I get it or don't I?

Well, as we're folks that
keep our word, ma'am,

uh, if you was promised,
I'll see that it's kept.

Good, I'll go get my
clothes in the car.

You already brung
your clothes, ma'am?

Yeah.

It's the outfit I work in.

Red Riding Hood.

Wait'll you see it.

Well, now, Miss Chickadee,

I'm hoping you ain't
gonna rush things,

'cause I think a
long engagement's

gonna be best for everybody.

Oh, that'll suit me fine.

The longer the better.

Good, 'cause I don't
hardly think you're ready.

What do you mean I'm not ready?

Well, you remember
how you told me

about coming from a big egg?

Oh, yeah.

But I've learned
something new since then.

Well, that's a step
in the right direction.

Now a raccoon finds
me in the woods.

Mm-hmm.

Miss, Jane, I sure do appreciate
you bringing Elmer back.

My pleasure, Elly.

Could you tell me

where I might find
your handsome cousin?

Who?

Jethro.

Oh, Jethro... he's out
swimming in the cement pond.

Thank you.

Something tells me
we're finally going to...

(jazzy music playing)
make music together.

(jazzy music playing)

(music stops)

(music resumes)

(Hathaway's voice
echoing): Jane Hathaway...

Who's that?

I am your conscience.

And I am shocked at
this nefarious scheme

to trap handsome
but innocent Jethro.

Is that what they taught you at
Vassar, Wellesley and Smith?

No.

As a matter of fact, I got
the idea from a stripper.

This is not a matter for levity.

Remember your sorority
motto: Super Omnio Fides.

Yes, yes, of course.

"Honor Above All."

Conscience... Yes, Jane.

I'm sorry.

I must have lost my head.

Forgive me.

Conscience... Yes, Jane?

Go take a flying leap!

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.

Hey, did you bring
Miss Chickadee?

Oh, forget about her, Jethro.

(inhales deeply)

Look deep into my eyes.

ANNOUNCER: And now
stay tuned for the news.

Elly! Elly May!

Oh, Elly May!

Here I am, Pa.

Good. Now, uh, Miss
Chickadee is in that room

up top of the stairs there,
fixin' to change her clothes.

Why don't you run up there
and see can you help her.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Oh, you better leave Elmer here.

Him being a boy raccoon
and her being so innocent,

she's liable to be
powerful modest.

What you mean, Pa?

Well, uh, let's just
say that she ain't had

things explained
to her too good.

Now run along and see
can you give her a hand.

Give who a hand?

Miss Chickadee.

Is she in this house?

Right at the top of the stairs.

I'll give her a hand

right where it'll
do the most good.

Uh, Granny...

maybe you better
hear this settin' down.

Hear what?

Jethro is engaged
to Miss Chickadee.

No.

He give his word and
she's holding him to it.

She's too old to marry Jethro.

She's too old to marry anybody.

Why, she's done past 20.

In years maybe, but in some ways

she's just a little child.

Besides, women gets
married older out here.

What you mean?

I hear tell of a movie star

that got herself a
man when she was 27.

Go on!

And then just to
prove it wasn't no fluke,

she up and married five more.

(jazzy music plays quietly)

(music stops)

Jethro, just once more...

Gaze deeply into my eyes.

ANNOUNCER: Have you
brushed your teeth today?

(announcer
continues indistinctly)

(turns radio off)

Miss Jane, are you gonna help me

find Miss Chickadee or ain't ya?

I ain't...!

Am not!

Well, I'm going to go out
and find her for myself.

Jeth-Jethro, listen to me.

We can make music together.

Please, just give
me one more chance.

And another thing about
her, Granny... she ain't lazy.

Why, she's up there right now

putting on her working clothes.

We'll see. We'll see.

Miss Chickadee's a-comin'.

You say them's
her workin' clothes?

Yeah, I reckon that's
a dust cap on her head.

What you got in the
basket, Miss Chickadee?

Why, it's a basket
of food for Granny.

Did you hear that, Granny?

Yeah, I hear it.

I'll wait'll I taste it
before I get too excited.

Now stand over there.

You can see me work better.

Oh, well, if you're going
to show off how work,

I'd best go fetch Jethro.

He'd be right interested.

All right, now stand
right over here,

so you can get a good
view of everything.

That's fine.

Now you just watch.

Hey, Elmer, that
wasn't your cue.

Shame on you, Elmer.

I'm sorry!

You mean she's here?

Yes, ma'am; I think she's fixin'

to dust the hall for us.

Get ready for a
weddin', everybody!

Jethro and Miss Chickadee's
gonna get married right away!

Who says so?

The code of the hills says so!

He done seen her
in her underclothes!

Miss Chickadee,
Elmer's awful sorry

about what he done.

Aw, that's all right, kid.

Anybody can miss a cue.

How'd you like my act?

Well, I thought you acted
real nice, considerin'.

I'd a been a heap more
flustered than you was.

That's experience, honey.

Have you seen my basket?

No, ma'am, but me and
Elmer will help you look.

I don't want to lose it...

That prop food costs
plenty of money.

What's prop food?

Oh, it's made out of plaster

and cement, stuff like that.

Well, I reckon
that'll keep Jethro

out of our way for a spell.

What'd you do with him?

Throwed him in the cement pond.

I told him swimming
five miles was part

of gettin' proper engaged.

That boy'll swallow anything.

Well, he'll have a time

swallowing Miss
Chickadee's cooking.

What'd you mean?

You know that basket of
food that she brung me,

that she was so
all-fired proud of?

Yeah. (chuckles)

Pitiful.

Pitiful!

Ah, she fixed you a
nice-looki" loaf of bread.

Yeah.

Let's see you slice it.

Don't seem to be strictly fresh.

Why don't you come
right out and say it:

it's as hard as a rock!

(dull tapping)

Tastes a mite like cement.

(sharp crunching)

I don't think she used
any bakin' powder.

Nor yeast neither.

I ain't even sure
she used flour!

Well, it's a fine-looking
slab of ham.

(sniffing)

Ain't got much of a
hickory-cured smell to it.

Ain't got no smell at all.

You know, Granny,

I think this woman's trouble
is she overcooks everything.

Well, I sure do
feel sorry for Jethro.

Yeah, that boy sets a
great store by his vittles.

Well, I'll just have to pitch in

and learn Miss
Chickadee about cooking!

That ain't all you're
gonna have to learn her.

Whatcha mean?

Well, uh, remember
how she thought

she come from a egg?

Yeah.

She got herself
a new notion now.

She thinks she was found
in the woods by a raccoon.

Yonder she comes.

She took off her work clothes.

Sure!

Now that she's
got Jethro hooked,

we ain't gonna get
no work out of her.

Shh! Well!

Come in, Miss Chickadee.

I hope you're
feeling right to home.

Oh, I love it here.

Well, I see you changed out

of your workin' clothes.

Oh, I thought everyone
had seen enough.

I reckon Jethro seen too much!

Granny!

Miss Chickadee, uh,
I hope you still favor

a long engagement
like we's talkin' about.

Oh, like I said, Uncle Sugar,

the longer the better!

I'm glad to hear you say that.

Now I'm gonna leave
you two alone here

to a little woman talk.

Woman talk?

What'll we talk about?

Everything, honey!
Right from scratch!

And we'll commence with vittles.

What are vittles?

Oh, no, no.

Well, we gotta start somewhere.

Do you know how to
fix a possum supper?

I don't even know what
a possum eats for supper!

ELLY MAY: Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Did y'all come for Jethro and
Miss Chickadee's weddin'?

DRYSDALE: Wedding?!

No! No!

You mean they're
actually getting married?

You see, Chief! I told you!

I warned you that
the consequences

of your perfidious association

with that nefarious...
Oh, shut up!

Where are they, Elly May?

Well, Miss Chickadee
went in the kitchen

to talk to Pa 'n Granny,

and Jethro's in the cement pond.

I'll circle the house

and head him off at the pool!

I said take this skillet
and put some lard in it!

What is this cooking bit?

I came here to dance!

I declare, I never seen
a woman reach your age

and know so little about life!

Now, you take this skillet

'afore I whomp you with it!

All right!

Well, I tell you this right now,

if I'm gonna cook,

I'm gonna get paid extra for it!

Get out of here, you
scheming sexpot!

How dast you order me
out of my own kitchen!

What's all the
bellowi" about in here?

Oh, Mr. Clampett, a
thousand, a thousand apologies

for ever allowing this
woman to come in contact

with your wonderful family.

Come along.

Oh! Let go or I'll let
you have this skillet!

Give it to him... he can
probably cook better'n you can!

Now get this straight:

I'm here to dance, not to cook.

Well, if Jethro's got a choice,

I know he'll take
cooki" over dancin'.

That boy's overpoweri"
fond of vittles.

Who cares about Jethro!

Well, I hope you do, seeing
as how you're gonna marry him.

I wouldn't marry Jethro
if he had your money!

Well, I wouldn't marry you
neither, Miss Chickadee.

Well that suits me fine!

Gimme my basket!

Get me outta this nut house!

Boy, what they
want for their money!

You gotta clean the house,

you gotta cook, you
gotta marry the kid.

Wowee, wow, wow, wow!

Jethro, I thought you said

you was deep in love
with Miss Chickadee.

You said you wanted to marry her

and live happy ever after!

Granny, I could never live
happy ever after with her.

Why not?

Uncle Jed, it was all I could do

to choke down one
basket of her vittles.

If I had to eat 'em
every day, I'd die!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now its time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.