The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 6 - Jethro's First Love - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Jethro out here?

He'll be back directly, Granny.

I got him running.

Running where?

Oh, into town,
back, uphill, downhill,

around the golf pasture.

What you trying
to do to that boy?

This morning, you
had him swimming

up and down the cement pond

like he was chasing a catfish.

I'm just testing him, Granny.

See, he thinks he's got a
hankering to go courting.

Courting? Jethro?

Yep. Aw...

What girl is he
hankering to court?

Well, I don't think
he's got a girl yet.

He's just got the hankering.

That young'un ain't
ready for courting.

Maybe he is, maybe he ain't.

That's why I'm running
him and swimming him.

I figured it would
dull his edge a might.

Then, if he still feels like
chopping wood, he's ready.

Yonder he comes!

GRANNY: He don't
look tired to me.

Me neither.

I don't think he's
going to be able to stop.

(wind whooshes)

(crash)

Well, it could have been worse.

He could of took out
five, ten foot of wall.

I'm sorry I busted
this fancy vase,

but I reckon I
got going too fast.

Yeah, I reckon.
How far did you run?

Oh, I figure 15, 20 mile.

Top speed?

Oh, no, sir. I stopped once.

Oh, there was some
fellas digging this here ditch,

and they looked right tuckered,

so I dug them a block or
two of ditch while they rested.

But I run extra special fast
the rest of the way home

to make up for it.

We seen you.

And heard you.

Well, boy, you swum
about five miles,

run 15 to 20, dug a
couple blocks of ditch.

How do you feel about
courting right now?

Uncle Jed, if there
was a pretty girl

on the other side of this
house, I'd jump clean over it!

He's ready. He's ready.

Here you are, Pa.

Thank you, Elly.

Well, then, Jethro,
let's talk about courting.

Oh, Elly, I'm fixing to
advise Jethro on courting.

Yes, sir. I want to
hear the advice, too.

Well, uh... advice
to girls is liable

to be a might different
than advice to boys.

Well, different how?

You go ask your granny.

Yes, sir.

Granny?

(quietly): Close that door!

JED: Granny?

What you doing in there?

I'm listening.

What for?

You ain't liable
to hear anything

you don't already know.

I realize that.

I'm just checking my memory.

You womenfolks, you have
your talk someplace else.

Jethro and me is fixing
to talk man-to-man.

Come on, Granny.

Let's go talk outside,
woman-to-woman.

Then we'll go courtin'.

Elly May, courting's for boys.

Girls just sit around and wait.

Jed, you sure got your
work cut out for you.

Now, then, Jethro,

how much do you
know about courtin'?

Well, it's kind of simple.

Uh, you find a girl,
and then you marry her.

Well, boy, I want to
tell you something.

There's a whole
heap of in-between.

Like what?

Like, uh, finding the
right girl, for one thing.

Sometimes that ain't so easy.

Well, Uncle Jed, how will I
know when I find the right girl?

Well, the way it happened
to me, I knew just like that.

I looked at her,
she looked at me,

and music commenced to playin'.

Well, where was the
music coming from?

From our hearts, I reckon.

Well, I ain't never heard no
music come from my heart,

nor no one else's, neither.

Course not, 'cause you
ain't met the right girl yet,

but when you do, you'll hear it.

(phone ringing)

I heard a bell ring.

Does that mean something?

Yeah. It means
somebody is calling.

Jed Clampett speaking.

Hello, Mr. Clampett.

Jane Hathaway here.

Did I by any chance leave

a large brown envelope
there last evening?

Yes, ma'am. It's right
here by the window.

Good. I'll have Miss
Trego drop over to...

Is Jethro there?

Yes, ma'am, he's right here.

I'll drop over and pick it up.

No call for you to do that.

I'll have Jethro fetch it right
down to the bank to you.

Uncle Jed, I want to
commence courting!

Just a minute.

The bank is a fine
place to commence.

There's lots of
pretty girls work there.

Oh? Oh, yeah!

Jethro will be down directly,

as soon as he washes up
and puts on his good clothes.

Well, no bother at all.

Bye.

Hot diggety dog!

I'm gonna carry this
down to the bank,

and I'm gonna
carry me a girl back!

Whoa! Whoa! It ain't
as simple as all that.

Even if you should
find the right girl,

you got to make
courtin' talk first.

I do? Why, of course!

Well, Uncle Jed, how
do you make courtin' talk?

Well, you got to
kind of sidle into it.

Like, you start off with,
uh, "Nice day, ain't it?"

And then you work
around to where it looks like

it's gonna be a
nice night for a walk

or a drive or a dance.

And of course, along the way,
you got to throw in a couple of,

"My, ain't you prettys,"

and, uh, "Bet you're
a dandy dancer."

Sweet talk like that.

I catch on now, Uncle Jed.

All right, boy, you got
enough to get you started.

Yes, sir!

Yee-haw!

Some girl is in for a
mighty spirited courtship.

Oh, now then, type up a
business expense voucher

for last night's
dinner conference.

Uh, food, $150.

Beverage, $200.

Entertainment, $50.

Entertainment at
a business dinner?

Guest speaker.

Gave a very interesting
demonstration

of the 27 1/2% depletion
allowance benefits.

I'd better make a
note of his name.

Of course. Uh... C.D. Laverne.

Laverne, C.D.

Mm-hmm. That's right.

Now, take a letter to, uh...

Excuse me. I'm sorry, but
there's a Chickadee Laverne

who insists on
seeing Mr. Drysdale.

Chickadee?!

Well, you tell old Chick
I'll call him from the club.

Call me nothing!

You promised me
cash on the barrelhead

for the show I did last night!

You are C.D. Laverne?

Just call me Chickadee.

That was a very
interesting demonstration

of depletion allowance
benefits, Miss Laverne.

CHICKADEE: Thank you.

I do this dance where
I take off everything

except 27 1/2%.

(door opening)

Howdy!

Well, howdy to you.

You're Jethro, aren't you?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

You hear any music?

No. Should I?

Well, yeah.

I should, too,
but I don't, darn it!

Well, if you'll wait, I'll
hum something for you.

Whatever you say, Chief.

Oh, Jethro, how nice to see you!

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.

(laughs)

Is something wrong?

No. Just listening for music.

What kind of music?

Heart music.

Heart music?

Try me again, Jethro.

Yes, ma'am!

Oh, Janet, I'd like to
speak to you in the pool.

Pool? The secretarial pool.

Let's go.

I shall return, Jethro.

Here you are, Chickadee.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Drysdale.

You know, for your next dinner,

you ought to use
my specialty act,

the one I'm famous for.

Mm-hmm.

They bring out
this great big egg.

There's music coming from it.

The MC says, "Here's Chickadee!"

And I pop out of the egg,

and I go into my dance.

(giggles) Cute, huh?

Try the Chase Manhattan Bank.

They love big eggs.

You don't even have
to hire an orchestra.

Look... I've got this
little transistor radio...

See?

Watch.

(instrumental rock
plays on radio)

I tuck it in here.

That's very interesting.

Don't call us, we'll call you.

Of course, for my specialty,

I have to charge a little more.

Those big eggs
cost a lot of money.

I'll keep you in mind.

Oh, howdy.

Hi.

I hear it! I hear the music,

just like Uncle
Jed said I would!

Uncle Jed?

Yeah; he said that I'd
know you was the one

just as soon as I
heard the music!

Oh, he caught my act!

Come on, let's go!

Wait a minute! Don't rush me!

Oh, I forgot.

Um, it's a nice day, ain't it?

I mean, it's gonna
be a nice night

for a stroll, a
drive or a dance.

And you sure are pretty.

And I bet you're a dandy dancer,

and lots of sweet
talk like that.

Come on, let's go!

(phone ringing)

Jed Clampett speaking.

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.

Jethro get there all right?

Yes, and he
brought the envelope.

But now he's disappeared.

I can't find him anyplace!

I see.

Uh, well, uh, tell me,

uh, is the bank
missing any girls?

I mean, uh, Jethro
might have toted one off.

Jethro?!

(laughs)

Oh, I hardly think
that... Wait a minute.

There is one possibility...

A girl from the
secretarial pool who...

False alarm.

No girl's missing.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, uh, thank
you, Miss Jane. Bye.

What's too bad, Jed?

Jethro didn't find him
no girl down to the bank.

I told you that young'un
wasn't ready for courtin'!

Well, maybe it's just as well.

I was worried I hadn't given
him a good enough talk first.

With Jethro, it
takes a little extra.

That's a fact.

The last I heard,

he thought his ma found
him under a cabbage leaf.

(laughs)

Well, I'll finish
cleaning my rifle,

and when he comes
back, I'll take him hunting.

That'll give me a chance
for a real man-to-man talk.

(truck engine approaching)

Looks like Jethro
done all right.

Found hisself a girl?

From here, it looks like

he found himself
a girl and a half!

Hey, kid, is this
where your uncle lives?

Oh, yeah. Me, too!

He must be a millionaire!

Well, he's got 35 or 40 million.

Does that make him one?

Does it ever!

Tell me something.

Why do you drive
this, uh, truck?

Well, I already run to
town and back once today.

Huh?

Ooh-wee!

That's a big 'un.

Big strapping girl like
that can sure help you

with the housework, Granny.

Housework? That
girl can pull a plow.

Let's go meet Uncle Sugar.

Well, that's Uncle Jed.

Yeah. Yeah!

Gee! I finally made it.

A private engagement in
a big Beverly Hills mansion.

Oh, hey, hold on,
you're not engaged yet.

That's right.

Where's your uncle?

Hey, Uncle Jed, I done
found her! Come see!

Here she is, Granny.
Now, now, Jethro,

stop your bellowin'...
We's a comin'.

Hey, here she is...
I heard the music

just like you said I
would, Uncle Jed.

The girl, the one and only...

Miss, uh... I-I don't
know your name.

Laverne. Chickadee Laverne.

Well, howdy there, Miss
Laverne Chickadee Laverne.

This here is Granny. Howdy.

Howdy. You people live here?

You own this mansion?

Yes, ma'am... uh, they found
oil on our place back home,

so we moved out here.

Oh, you're one of
those oil millionaires.

I played all over
Oklahoma and Texas.

You don't say.

Well, this here is my
daughter Elly May.

Howdy.

Honey, I don't want
to worry you, but...

your fur piece is moving.

These here is possum.

Elly May, take
them critters outside.

I told you again and again,
the house is no place for 'em.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Well, when's the engagement?

Tonight? Tomorrow night?

I'm ready.

Me, too!

Well, uh, now, maybe we
better get better acquainted

before we start
talking engagement.

Uh, why don't we all
sashay out to the kitchen.

Oh, come on, Miss
Chickadee, I'll take you.

Well, uh, what do you
womenfolk think of her?

Well, don't you think
she's a little bit too old

to marry up with Jethro, Pa?

Of course she is. That
kind of worried me, too...

Especially her talking about
playing all over Oklahoma and Texas.

Take a heap of
years just to do that.

She's about the
right age for you, Jed.

Granny! Yeah, why don't
you marry up with her, Pa?

Then I could have me a ma.

Now, you hush that kind
of talk, the both of you.

She's Jethro's
woman... He found her.

According to what he told
me, it was true love, too.

He heard their hearts
making music and everything.

I still say she's
too old for Jethro!

You can't tell about
city women, Granny.

I've seen old ones
that look young

and young ones that look old.

Well, I'll just go and
ask her how old she is.

Now, wait, Elly.

If we're gonna find out
Miss Chickadee's age,

we got to do it in a
kind of roundabout way.

I don't want her
embarrassed, now.

You leave it to me, Jed.

Come on.

What a kitchen!

Oh, yes, ma'am.

This here is my favorite
room in the whole house,

'cause this is where
Granny keeps the vittles.

Do you like to eat vittles?

I don't know.

I don't believe
I've ever eaten any.

Well, Miss Laverne
Chickadee Laverne,

how are you and
Jethro getting along?

Oh, just call me Chickadee.

I love this mansion.

And this kitchen is the end!

Oh, no, there's a
lot more out back.

Ain't that right, Granny?

And speaking of
that, how old are you?

What? Granny, that ain't
hardly what I'd call roundabout.

Excuse her, ma'am.

Oh, that's all right.

By the way, I don't
want to rush you,

but I'm ready to work anytime.

It's gonna be a thrill working
in this beautiful mansion.

You hear that, Granny?

Jethro, I'll say this for ya,

you didn't pick a lazy woman.

Thank you.

Maybe you'd better
get better acquainted

with Granny here,
'cause she's the one

you're gonna be working with.

You got to be kidding. Her?

I can do anything
you can do, honey.

Granny's little, but she's wiry.

She moves around real good.

Yeah, I-I know, but... I mean,

well, couldn't I work with her?

Well, sure, if you'd rather.

Well, I mean, she's,
uh, younger and all.

She's a heap younger than you!

Granny!

How old are you?

Granny, uh, how
about you and Elly May

whompin' up some
vittles for Miss Chickadee,

and I'll show her
around the outside.

Can I go along
with you, Uncle Jed?

No, Jethro, you finish eating...
You're still a growing boy.

You're kidding!

Pa, can I come along
and show her my critters?

Well, we can do
that later, Elly May.

Right now, Miss Chickadee
and me got a little talking to do.

Young'uns, you better clear out.

Something tells me there's
gonna be fireworks any minute.

Now, I realize that, uh, Jethro
looks like a full-growed man,

but he's still kind of a boy.

Yeah. He's cute, though.

Well, I'm glad
you feel that way.

He's a fine young'un.

Now, uh, I'd like to know

a little more about
you, Miss Chickadee.

Oh, you mean about my work?

Yeah, everything.

Just, uh, everything
right from the start.

Well, I got my
start in burlesque.

New York.

Mm, sounds like a nice place.

About, uh, how
long ago was that?

You don't have to be exact...
I'm just trying to get a notion.

Oh, about... 18, 19 years ago.

Is that a fact?

That's when I first
broke out of the egg.

You, uh, come from a egg?

Sure. You know
about that, don't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

Uh, I'll tell you what, uh,

why don't you go
over yonder and, uh,

look around the
cement pond over there.

I want to have a word
with Granny. Oh, swell.

I love this place...
It's beautiful.

Well, thank you, ma'am.
I'll see you in a bit.

You know, Granny,

maybe Miss Chickadee ain't
the right woman for Jethro.

Course she ain't...
She's too old for him.

Well, it ain't that so much.

Fact is, she's only a
little older than Jethro.

Who said?

She said... she told me she
was born 18, 19 years ago

in a town name of, uh,
Burlesque, New York.

Hogwash!

She ain't no 18 or 19!

Well, whether she is
or whether she ain't,

there is a bigger problem.

What's that?

Well, what with Jethro thinking

he was found
under a cabbage leaf

and her thinking
she come from a egg,

I just don't see much
future for them two.

I sure do appreciate
you showing me

how to work with
you, Miss Chickadee.

Glad to do it, kid. Say,
when you get your glove off,

that's when we commence
to working? Yeah.

That's when we
really get started.

Tell me something.

Your dad's worth, like,
35, 40 million bucks, right?

Why do you want to work?

Oh, I don't mind.

Besides, if I don't,
Granny'll whomp me.

Yeah, I had an aunt like that.

She shoved me out on
the stage when I was 15.

I never knew my mother.

Me, neither.

You mean... your
father's a widower?

Yes, ma'am. I was kind of
hoping he'd marry up with you

so as I could get me a ma.

Really?

I like you.

And my critters like you, too.

And when critters
take a liking to folks,

they's generally good
and not mean or nothing.

Yeah.

Hey, you want me to show you

what Elmer can do?

Now, watch him
take this here grape

out of my pocket.

Say!

He sure is clever
with those little hands.

Could he untie a bow?

Sure he could.

Elmer, you and I may
be working together.

Duke...

according to what I been
told, one year of your life

is the same as seven
years with human folks.

That ought to put you
close to a hundred years old.

(whining groan)

Well, now, I didn't
aim to worry you none.

It's just that if I'd lived
as long as you had,

I might be able to work
out this vexing problem I got

with Jethro and Miss Chickadee.

Well, if this ain't
a fine howdy do!

You set there a-whittlin'

like you ain't got
a care in the world.

When your own kin
is fixing to marry up

with a woman old
enough to be his ma.

I'm studying on the
problem, Granny.

Well, you better study fast,

'cause as soon as
Jethro is done eating,

he's gonna want to
commence courting.

Howdy there, folks!

MR. DRYSDALE:
Hello, Mr. Clampett.

Granny.

Mr. Clampett, I'm
sorry to trouble you,

but I need one more signature.

No trouble at all.

Not compared to the
trouble we got with Jethro.

Now, Granny.

Hasn't he arrived
home yet? Oh, of course.

He's right out there
in the kitchen now,

pokin' down the vittles.

I shall pop in and
pass the time of day

with the handsome lad.

Miss Jane would make a heap
better match for Jethro than that old...

Now, Granny,

don't bother Mr. Drysdale
with our family problems.

Now, Mr. Clampett,
as I've said before,

your problems are my problem.

I am willing and I hope able
to help you in any way possible.

Well, that's mighty
neighborly of you

to take so much
interest, but, uh...

Oh, think nothing of it.

We bankers like to take
as much interest as we can.

(laughs)

I was making a joke.

Interest. Banker.

I suppose you might
call that an inside joke.

Oh, well, come
on inside and tell it.

We ain't got no time for jokes.

Jethro is a-headin' to the altar

with the wrong woman.

What-what's this?

Now, Granny,

Mr. Drysdale's
got a bank to run.

Precisely why I'm
interested in your problems.

Now tell me more.

Well, you see, uh,

Jethro is in love
with this girl.

Girl?! (cackles)

Yeah, Miss Chickadee does
look a mite old for her years.

Did you say Chickadee?

Yes, sir, Miss Laverne
Chickadee Laverne.

Where did Jethro meet her?

Down by your bank, I think.

Mr. Clampett, that
girl is a stripper!

What's a stripper?

Someone who
takes off their clothes.

What's wrong with that?

Well, she takes
them off every night.

Well I don't sleep
in my clothes neither.

Chief, sweet innocent
Jethro has run afoul

of your Chickadee Laverne!

Yes, I've been told.

Mr. Clampett, believe me,

this is not the
right girl for Jethro!

I told you so!

Please, Mr. Clampett,

let us get her away from
here as quickly as possible.

Well, I wouldn't want
to hurt her feelings none.

She's right friendly
and a willing worker.

Here she comes.

Hold on.

I reckon it's my duty
to talk to her first.

Uh, Miss Chickadee,
uh, about the wedding.

Oh, that's gonna have
to wait, Uncle Sugar.

I got this great new act

that's gonna make me the
sensation of show business.

Now you watch.

(sultry melody plays)

This is gonna be a great act.

The MC gives me a big intro,

I walk through the
curtains with this raccoon,

right away he starts
unfastening my...

Great act! It's
gonna be a great act.

Now let's hurry down to the bank

and I'll sign you up for the
big convention next year.

Swell!

Hey, Uncle Jed.

Where's Mr. Drysdale
taking my sweetie?

Never mind, Jethro.

But I found her. She's mine.

I courted her and
sweet-talked her and all.

Forget about her, Jethro.

Go take yourself a swim.

Well, we got shed of her,

that's a blessing.

More of a blessing
than you know, Granny.

I was falling in love with her.

No! Yep.

I looked at her,
she looked at me,

and music commenced to playing.

At my age, too.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now its time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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