The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Clampett Look - full transcript

Cynthia Fenwick makes her filthy rich mother dress in the "Clampett Look" when they visit the Clampetts, since she thinks Elly is a fashion maven. That only reinforces the Clampett's belief that the Fenwicks are poor.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

(banjo playing theme)

Oh good, good, you's both here.

I want to have a family
confab. Where's Elly?

She's out back
with her critters.

Elly May...! Yeah, Pa?

Come on in here, gonna
have a family confab.

Now, as you all know,

poor Widow Fenwick
and her young'un

is comin' to spend the day,

and we all got a lots to do.

The Fenwicks...

Now hold it, hold it.

You don't have to
start doin' right away.

I'd like to say a
few words first.

Now, uh, let's
commence with the vittles.

Hold it.

Hold it, hold it.

Granny, Granny, I mean the,

I mean the vittles
for the Fenwicks.

What you got planned?

Oh, uh, possum stew,

grits and jowls, some corn pone

and some pickled crawdads.

Mm-hmm... sounds a little rich

for folks that's
ain't ate for awhile.

Well, maybe you're right, Jed.

To get the wrinkles
out of their belly,

I'll start 'em off with
some nice hot owl soup.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

That'll be fine.

Now, Elly, you and
Jethro delivered them

that box of clothes, right?

That's right, Pa.

I never knowed
there were so many

needy folks in Beverly Hills.

Me neither.

But, by doggies, you got to
admire that Widow Fenwick.

She's poor but proud.

Jethro and Elly tells me

that right across the front
of this little house of her'n

she's got writ big as
life "Fenwick House."

Cynthia, I have not refused
to visit the Clampetts.

It's just that I
can't bring myself

to wear those dreadful clothes.

They are not dreadful.

They are the
very latest fashion,

introduced at The
Willows Finishing School

by Miss Elly May
Clampett herself.

Don't you understand, Mummy?

The latest thing is to look
basic and understated.

It has something to do with Zen.

But they just don't look right.

Mummy, when a girl as rich

as Elly May Clampett wears
something, it's got to be right.

Now, come on, let's not be

the last millionaires
in Beverly Hills

to get the new look...
The "Clampett look."

Where's everybody
going in such a hurry?

We's gonna help
Jethro load furniture

to take over to the Fenwicks'.

Well, now, hold up on
loading that truck again.

How do we know that the
Fenwicks going to need all this stuff?

Like I told you, Uncle Jed,
they need just about everything.

Well, how do we know their
place is going to hold it all?

Let's go over there
and take a look.

Yeah.

I'd like to see
the widow's place.

Well, now, Granny, I think the
womenfolks better stay here,

in case they get
here while we're gone.

How about you menfolks staying?

You womenfolks don't
know how to drive the truck.

Maybe I can. I
ain't never tried.

Crank her up, Jethro.

Help your granny down.

Aw... We'll be back directly.

The widow's liable
to be right stove up

when she gets here,
walking all the way.

Don't worry, Jed.

One slug of my
rheumatiz medicine,

and she'll be as good as new.

Granny, can your
rheumatiz medicine

sure enough cure rheumatiz?

I didn't say it can
cure rheumatiz, Elly,

but it can sure make
having it a pure pleasure.

Now, we don't want to
embarrass them, Jethro,

so if they're still at home,
we'll right quick drive by.

Don't look like nobody's
home, Uncle Jed.

Well, come on. Let's
take a look around.

They found the box
of clothes, Uncle Jed.

Right here's where
Elly and me left 'em.

Jethro, I seen places
with little or nothing in 'em,

but this is pitiful.

Not a chair to set on.

Nor a bed neither.

They ain't got a wash bowl,

or a pitcher to
fill it with water,

or a window big
enough to throw it out of.

Hey, Uncle Jed, we going
bring them some stuff?

No, Jethro, you couldn't
squeeze enough stuff in this place

to make it fit for
two women to live in.

Well, then what
are we going to do?

We gotta get them
to move into our place.

It ain't going to be easy,

the widow being
such a prideful woman,

but it just ain't right for
us to have so much stuff,

and to let them live
here in a place like this.

Now, there is something
I just can't understand.

How can folks live in a
big fine house like that

and let a poor, starving
widow and her young'un

live in a place like this
right outside their gate?

Uncle Jed, let's go up
and give them what for.

Uh, it ain't for us to
speak judgment on 'em.

Maybe the spirit of
love will take hold,

like it did Mrs. Drysdale.

♪ The Clampetts are
moving, tra-la, tra-la ♪

♪ The Clampetts are
moving, hurrah, hurrah ♪

♪ And I am so
happy, ha-ha, ha-ha ♪

(horn honking, engine chugging)

Ooh.

JED: Howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.

Splendid! You came
back for another load.

Let me help.

Well, now, hold on.

We decided not to
move these things.

Why not?

Well, we're hoping
that the Fenwicks

will move in and use 'em here.

The Fenwicks?

Mrs. Radnor Fenwick?

Uh, yes, ma'am...
You know, the widow

with the skinny
daughter name of Cynthy.

They are moving into this house?

Well, we're hoping they will.

But this is marvelous.

I've been trying for years to
meet Mrs. Radnor Fenwick,

and now she's going to
be my next-door neighbor.

Well, it ain't for certain yet.

Have you engaged
a real estate agent

to help you sell
them on the place?

No, ma'am, we were
just kind of figuring

on talking 'em into it
when they come over.

I'll help you.

I'll dash home and change

and come back and help you.

See what I mean, Jethro?

The spirit of love has
put wings on her feet.

I'll say, Uncle Jed.

Just look at her
go over that hedge.

Oh, really, Mummy, in that mink,

you look just like
any other common,

ordinary, everyday millionaire.

Now take it off.

No, no, Cynthia,
I can't, I just can't.

Well, you must.

I just can't.

Mummy, if anyone
were actually to see you,

I would die of mortification.

Mummy, I thought I
told you, no jewelry.

No, no, Cynthia,

I feel positively nude
without diamonds.

We are trying to achieve
the Clampett look,

a look of studied slovenliness.

Oh, Cynthia.

Beasley, our purses, please.

No, no, no, Cynthia,
not those buckets.

Don't be silly, Mummy.

Yesterday, Elly May
Clampett carried one to school,

and the effect was devastating.

Oh, dear, if your
father could see us now,

he'd just turn over
in his mausoleum.

Beasley, get the Rolls
out of sight, quickly.

We'll call you if we need you.

Yes, Beasley, park it close by.

Yes, I'll phone you to
the front seat number.

Very good, madam.

Oh, Mummy, look at that.

Yes.

Disgraceful, isn't it?

Disgraceful?! It's fabulous!

Unbelievably understated.

It's probably the only
purely existentialist car

in Beverly Hills.

We must have it copied.

But, Cynthia, we've used nothing

but Rolls for decades.

Oh, Mummy, this is progress,
don't you understand?

Frankly, no.

I seem to have lost
all sense of values.

It's like a nightmare.

Well, here, come sit down
and pull yourself together

before we meet them.

Oh, it's just all so confusing.

I just know this never
could've happened

if Coolidge were still
in the White House.

Pa, don't you want
me to set the table

in the fancy eatin' room?

I reckon not, Elly.

We got to be special careful

not to put on airs
around the poor widow.

Let's eat in the
kitchen, family-style,

like we always have.

Well, that's a good idea.

If we want the Fenwicks
to move in here with us,

we got to make 'em
feel like they's family.

Jed, is the Fenwicks
moving in with us

lock, stock and barrel?

Granny, the Fenwicks
ain't got a lock, stock

and barrel to move in with.

Right, Elly?

That's right, Pa.

Not even a rain barrel.

They ain't even got a pump.

They ain't got a
place to wash at all.

Well, the best thing to
do when they get here

is to stick 'em in the
tub and scrub 'em down.

Granny, I don't think
they'd take to that right off.

JETHRO: Hey, Elly May.

Come on, Elly,
let's go swimmin'.

What's the matter with you?

We's got company comin'.

Aw, Granny, I'm hot and tired.

You get into some
decent clothes.

Now, hold on, Granny.

I think maybe Jethro
has solved our problem.

You see there, Granny?

I solved your problem.

What problem, Uncle Jed?

Getting the Fenwicks scrubbed
without shaming 'em none.

You mean I should do it?

Naw, you just go for a
swim in the cement pond

and take along a cake
of your granny's lye soap

and a nice, stiff brush.

Elly May,

when the widow and her
young'un get over here,

you invite 'em down to
the cement pond for a swim.

Okay, Pa.

When they get down
to the pond, Jethro,

you commence to soapin'
and a-scrubbin' and a-splashin',

and they'll get the idea.

By dingies, that's
a first-rate notion.

Well, thank you, Granny.

(doorbell ringing)

There goes that spooky music

coming out of the walls again.

Sure is pretty.

Yeah, I hope it keeps playing

till the widow gets here...
It might cheer her up.

Well, someone
best open the door,

'cause soon as that
music starts to play,

someone's gonna come
a-knockin' at the door.

Yeah, I noticed that.

Take a look outside, Elly.

And you get your
nakedness out of sight.

I can't.

I just can't go through
with it. Mummy!

Mummy!

Mummy, please, you can do it.

Come on, I'll help
you. (gasping, moaning)

They's comin', but that poor
old widow can't hardly make it.

I'll get my jug.

Is they wearin' the
clothes you bring 'em?

Yeah, Pa, and totin' buckets.

To carry home
leftovers, Lord love 'em.

Let's go give 'em
a helping hand.

Howdy there, Cynthia.

This here's my pa and
I reckon this is your ma.

Welcome! Welcome!

Well, dogged if you ain't
plumb tuckered, Widow Fenwick.

But don't you worry,
Granny will fix that.

Granny, this here's
Cynthia Fenwick and her ma.

Howdy, folks.

Take their buckets
out to the kitchen, Elly.

Yes sir, Pa.

See ya in a little bit, Cynthy.

Thank you, darling.

Toodle-oo.

Elly May, be sure
they're scoured good

and don't leak.

I'll do it, Granny.

Here, Widow,
this'll brace you up.

Oh, thank you.

Orange pekoe?

No, white lightnin'.

Oh, uh, I'm not familiar
with the blend, but tea is tea.

That got her to breathing deep!

Here, Mummy, have
a cigarette, darling.

Oh, I wouldn't light a flame
so close to your ma just yet.

You just might set her off.

Come on, Widow,
let's go to the kitchen.

I'll give you a nice
hot bowl of owl soup.

Owl soup?

Oh, Cynthia, please
send for the Rolls.

No, Mummy.

She's right, Widow.

You don't need no rolls.

Granny's baked some corn pone.

Oh!

You're gonna eat my corn pone.

Come on, Widow...

Oh, Cynthia, please help me!

Mr. Clampett, if I might
be alone with Mummy

for just a few moments, I think
I shall be able to compose her.

Okay, Cynthy, just follow
your nose to the kitchen.

Yeah, the grits and jowls
will lead you right to the door.

Good gab, Widow.

Cynthia, did she
say "grits and jowls"?

Yes, Mummy, doubtless
the maid and the butler.

Now, come, do get
a grip on yourself.

Oh... oh, yes...

Mummy, think of all the
trouble the Clampetts have taken

to achieve a total look.

The truck, those
clothes, their speech.

Why, they even weave.

You'd weave too, if
you ever drank their tea.

We must try to emulate them.

Really.

They'll never sell this
house to the Fenwicks.

We can practice on
the cleaning woman.

Howdy, there.

Are you Grits?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, uh... we-all is
lookin' fer Grits and Jowls.

Well, you'll find
them in the kitchen.

And please stay
there, out of sight.

Now, see here, fool...

We'uns is friends
of the Clampetts.

Obviously.

And the sooner you're all
out of Beverly Hills, the better.

Meantime, stay out
of sight in the kitchen.

That is the surliest cleaning
woman I've ever seen.

See, Mummy, even the
Clampetts have a servant problem.

Yes, for the first time,

I'm beginning to feel a
common bond with them.

We're both members of

an oppressed minority group:

millionaires.

Ain't the Fenwicks sniffed
their way to the kitchen yet?

Well, not yet, Pa.

Should I go and find 'em?

Let's have a
little confab first.

Now Jethro is getting
powerful hungry

paddling around
in the cement pond

with that brush and soap.

Elly, you hinted to
the widow and Cynthia

about going swimming?

Well, ain't had a chance, Pa.

They must be
nigh on to starving.

Granny, can we skip the washing

and go right to eatin'?

Jed, from what you tell me

about the way
they've been living,

I'd feel much better if they
were washed down good

before they set at my table.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

They didn't look bad,
but you never can tell.

Oh, there you are.

We're still looking
for Grits and Jowls.

Oh, we'll get to them directly.

Elly.

Oh, Cynthy, I bet
you and your ma

would like to go swimmin', huh?

I wouldn't No, neither would I.

We got a dandy pond
all made out of cement.

Nice clean water in it, too.

And plenty of room
to splash around

and work up a good lather.

No, thank you.

No, I'll pass, too.

Maybe they'd just
like to look at the pond.

Show 'em, Elly.

Okay, Pa... Oh, no, no, no.

We're not interested.

We didn't even bring suits.

Well, I got one that'll fit you.

And I'll try and find
one for you, Widow.

Baste my possum, Jed.

Yeah, now come on, ladies.

The pond's right out here.

Come on, here you go.

It's right over
there to the right.

That's peculiar behavior.

Why do you suppose they're
so insistent that we come out...?

Mummy, looky there.

Magnificent!

What a specimen of manhood.

Who do you suppose he is?

Let's find out.

Mr. Clampett! Oh, Mr. Clampett!

Who is that Adonis
by the side of the pool?

Adonis?

That magnificent creature

with the rippling biceps.

Let's take a look, ma'am.

That's why they wanted
us to see the pool.

They're going to attempt
a little matchmaking.

Oh, I hope so.

That there is Duke.

Duke? He has a title?

Yeah, Duke.

Duke of what? Where's he from?

Well, he was born in Oxford.

He's been with us
since he was a little feller.

Then he's the Duke of Oxford.

Yeah, I reckon so.

We just call him Duke.

He hasn't got a wife, has he?

Well, he's had his
share of lady friends,

but nobody right at the moment.

Cynthy, I sure do hope
you change your mind

about going swimming.

Oh, I have. I have!

Oh, Cynthy, you seem
right fond of Duke.

If you want him to like you,

just tickle him behind the ear.

He just loves that, Cynthy.

And when he lays
over on his back,

scratch his belly.

Well, don't stand
there, get scratching.

Show her where to
change, Elly. Okay, Pa.

Mr. Clampett, I imagine
that Cynthia and I do appear

a bit eager.

But I want you to
know that my daughter

is worthy of royalty.

We Fenwicks are a
very, very old family.

Oh, now, Widow,
don't talk like that.

There's many a good
tune left in an old fiddle.

Widow, here's a
brand-new swimming suit.

Never been wore before.

It was give to Jed here

for a wedding present.

Remember, Jed?

Eh... too big!

Wouldn't be enough
left sticking out to wash.

Wash?

We'll make do.

You better leave the room, Jed.

Come on out to the
laundry tub, Widow,

and peel your shirt off.

Cut it out, Elly!

Oh, excuse me.

Howdy, ma'am.

Your Grace.

Yours, too.

Permit me to
present myself to you.

Well, thank you very kindly,

but I don't think my Uncle
Jed would let me keep you.

Oh, Your Grace.

Yours, too.

Uh, I am Cynthia Fenwick.

Oh, hey, is your ma coming?

No, we are quite alone.

Uh, well, shall we
go in the water?

No, I'd rather not.

Well, uh, then why
don't you just sit here

and you can watch me.

Your Grace.

Yours, too.

Now watch here.

Are you watching, Cynthy?

Oh, yes, yes, I am.

All right now, here we go.

You get the idea?

Well, it looks as if
you are taking a bath.

That's right. Come on in.

Your... Grace.

Yours, too.

Mobile operator.

Give me JL1-3411.

No, no, make that 1-2.

I want the front seat.

I thought I told you to stay
out of sight in the kitchen?

Now look here,

I have taken all the abuse I
intend to take in this house.

Clampett look or
no Clampett look,

Duke or no Duke, I refuse to...

Oh, Beasley, come
quickly, please.

This is Missus... Now
you get out of here!

And take that other
antique with you.

I refuse to take orders
from a poorly dressed,

ill-mannered, overweight,
cleaning woman.

Why, you loutish hillbilly.

I am Mrs. Milburn Drysdale.

And what does that mean?

It means that I am
a pillar of society.

You were a pillar.

I am cutting you
down to a stump.

Don't you dare
pull a knife on me!

The only thing I'm
going to pull on you

is your hair!

(screaming)

Well, Jethro, Granny said

she had trouble
scrubbing the widow.

How'd you do with the daughter?

I tried, Uncle Jed.

But that girl ain't
washed in so long,

I couldn't sell her on the idea.

Granny said the widow
bucked like a mule, too,

and then she
busted loose and run.

Can we eat now?

Yeah, Jethro, scoot
up the back way

and get some clothes on.

Hey, you know
something, Uncle Jed?

That skinny little rascal...
All she wanted to do

was tickle me behind the
ear and scratch my belly.

Hmm.

Pa, Pa, come quick!

Mrs. Drysdale and
the Widow Fenwick

is having a real
catfight in the front hall!

Ooh!

Let me up, you female wrestler.

I'll have you drummed
out of Beverly Hills.

GRANNY: Aah! Now you caught her.

Hold her right there.

Now I'm gonna finish
the job, Widow Fenwick.

Did you call her Fenwick?

I did. Here now,

get off that poor
starving Mrs. Fenwick.

You all right,
Widow? You all right?

Oh, I have never
been less all right

in my entire life.

Mummy, Beasley's
here. What's the matter?

Ask no questions,
just flee for your life.

Uncle Jed, can
we please eat now?

Not me and you, Jethro.

A fella named Beasley
just grabbed the widow

and her young'un
and made off with 'em.

Come on, we got to catch 'em.

They turned right
in there, Uncle Jed.

Now the gates are closed.

Well, I'll be doggone!

That Beasley fella's

the one that lives
in that big mansion.

And he's taking the widow
and Cynthy into his house.

Bowing and scraping to 'em, too.

Uncle Jed, you was right
about not speaking judgment

on that rich fella.

Yeah, it looks like
the spirit of love

sure took ahold
of him all right.

Come on, Jethro, let's go
home and have some possum.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now its time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality. ♪

Hillbilly, that is.

Set a spell.

Take your shoes off.

Y'all come back now, 'hear?

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