The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 36 - Jethro's Graduation - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Catch onto it, Skipper?

Now see if you can
feed little Debby.

That's a boy.

Hey, if you be good and
help me feed all my critters,

we'll take you along to
Jethro's graduation today.

Come on. Give
little Debby a kiss.

Elly, ain't your Pa
and Jethro back

from the jewelry store yet?

Not yet, Granny.

What all's Pa buying for Jethro?

A four-bladed pocketknife
and his first watch.

(whistles): I wish
I could graduate.

You can't graduate
without going to school.

Well, I don't like school.

Well, then you can't get no
watch and no pocketknife.

Yonder they come.

I know how I can get me
a watch and pocketknife

without going to school.

How?

I'm gonna take
Jethro's away from him.

Oh, no, you won't.

You ain't gonna whup
Jethro on his graduation day.

What's Jethro doing?

(quietly): He wants to make
sure you notice his new watch.

Hi, Elly, hi, Granny.

BOTH: Hi, Jethro.

What ya got your
sleeve rolled up fer?

Doggone, it is
rolled up, ain't it?

Ow-ee, look at that new watch.

Ain't it a dandy?

Uncle Jed let me
pick it out all by myself.

We must have looked
at 200-300 watches

before Jethro picked that'un.

Well, let's see it, Jethro.

Sure ticks nice and loud.

That's got the picture
of a little mouse on it.

Well, I'll be switched.

A mouse wearing short
pants and yellow gloves.

Ain't that something?

JETHRO: And his
hands tell the time.

Ooh.

By the way, Jethro, I
ain't got my watch on me.

You mind telling us the time?

Oh, yes, sir.

It's 2:98.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was
reading the price sticker.

Hey, you want the
exact time, Uncle Jed?

Yeah, I'd appreciate it.

In seven seconds, it's gonna
be exactly two minutes before...

Now it's four seconds.

In four seconds, it's gonna
be exactly two minutes before...

Now it's one second.

In one second it's gonna be

exactly two minutes before...

Ooh, it went by.

In a minute and seven seconds...

Jethro, never
mind the exact time,

just tell us the
pret' near time.

It's pret' near 12:00.

Thank you. Thank you.

Time to get vittles cooking.

Now Elly May, I want you
to put your critters away

and go out and help Granny.

We don't want to be
late for the graduation.

Yes, sir, Pa.

What time is it, Jethro?

In 14 seconds, it's gonna be...

No, no, what time
is the graduation?

Oh, 3:00 over at the
music conservatory

at Mrs. Potts' school.

Ain't it a shame that your
ma can't be here today?

Yeah, that is a shame.

Pearl would have
been right proud

to see her boy graduating from
the finest school in Beverly Hills.

Jed, how come you know'd
to pick out the Potts school?

We didn't. Jethro and me
was just driving down the road

and that was the first
schoolhouse we come to.

JETHRO: It's a
school, all right.

Well, let's go in
and get you started.

Uh, may I help you?

Well, I reckon maybe you can.

Yes, what is it you wish?

Well, I'd like to get my
nephew started into school.

Here?

Yeah, here's all right if
you got room for a desk

and his lunch basket.

My dear man, this is a
most exclusive private school.

The tuition is quite expensive.

Well beyond your
means, I'm sure.

Does that mean it
costs a lot of money?

That is precisely what it means.

Well, I can pay you if
it ain't over $25 million.

$25 million?

Yes, ma'am, that's all I got.

Dollars?

Yes, ma'am.

In cash.

Yes, ma'am.

What is your name?

Jed Clampett, ma'am,
and this here's...

And you expect me to believe
that you have $25 million?

Well, no, not on me, ma'am,
but my neighbor Mr. Drysdale,

he's keeping it
in his bank for me.

Get me Milburn Drysdale
at the Commerce Bank.

Sure was funny how
Mrs. Potts changed

after she talked
to Mr. Drysdale.

She's been real
nice to me ever since.

I reckon that's 'cause
you're such a good scholar.

Well, even scholars got to eat.

Vittles will be
ready in a half hour.

In a half hour, it'll be
exactly 23 seconds...

No, it'll be 20 seconds... 19...

It'll be time to eat,
and you'll be ready.

Jethro, sit down a minute.

Now, boy, I ain't much
on speech-making,

but I just want you
to know how proud

you made every single
one of us going to school

and graduating like this.

I reckon the power to
think and reason things out

is the greatest power
there is in this world.

And the more folks go to
school and get your education,

the better this
world is gonna be.

That way they'll
get along better

and understand each other and
won't go to scrapping all the time.

So you see, boy, the whole
future of the world is riding

on educated
young folks like you.

Hey, you notice
something, Uncle Jed?

While you was talking,

this little ol' mouse's
hand went from here

clean down to there.

Jethro, you will be careful

with that new
pocketknife won't you?

Oh, yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Good, good.

Hone it good, boy.

We want to look our best

when we drive up
to Mrs. Potts' school

for your graduation.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Hey, yonder comes Mrs. Jane.

Boy, wait'll she
sees my new watch.

It's three- or four-
times bigger than her'n.

Boy, don't go to
braggi" on it right off.

Let her notice it for herself.

Oh, yes, sir.

Greetings, Mr. Clampett,

and congratulations
to you, young graduate.

Thank ya.

Oh, is that a new watch?

Oh, this one here?

Yes.

Shucks, no, it
ain't exactly new.

I've had it for pret'
near 37 minutes

and 42 seconds now.

Come on in, Mrs. Jane.

Thank you. Oh, just a moment.

I have a present for Jethro.

Hear that, boy? Yeah!

To you who are about
to graduate, excelsior!

Sure is heavy for excelsior.

It is a book, dear boy.

And always remember,

books are the ever-burning
lamps of accumulated wisdom.

Read and illuminate your mind

because the mind, Jethro,
the power to think and to reason

is the most important
power that man possesses.

Education is the answer to
most of the ills of this world,

and if young people aren't...

Excuse me, Mrs.
Jane, but I kinda think

you're dropping your
bucket down a dry well.

Mrs. Jane, you coming
to Jethro's graduation?

Well, I'd like to. What
time is it, Jethro?

Oh, in exactly 23 seconds...

No, no, she means
your graduation. It's 3:00.

In the music conservatory
over to Mrs. Potts' school.

We's all mighty proud of Jethro.

He's the only one in the family

that ever made it
clean through school.

Mr. Clampett,
Jethro is graduating

from the sixth grade, isn't he?

That's right.

He has to go through
at least six more grades.

Six more?

Yes.

Another 12 years, huh?

Well, with my help, I
think he can make it in six.

Then, of course,
he'll go on to college.

College? Gee whiz, all I
want to be is a brain surgeon.

I think you'd better change
that ambition, Jethro.

To be a brain surgeon
requires four years of college,

four years of medical school,

one year's internship

and from two to five
years of residency.

Oh, no! Uncle Jed, I
just think I'll just settle

for being an atomic scientist.

That might take almost as long.

Jethro, you got a third choice?

Yes, sir. Streetcar conductor.

(phone rings)

Excuse me. I'll get it.

Streetcar conductor?

Why, yes, ma'am.

Jed Clampett speaking.

Oh, howdy there, Mrs. Potts.

Say, we's all mighty
happy and proud

that Jethro is graduating
out of your school today.

But I reckon you're right
sad to see him go, ain't ya?

You don't say?

Howdy, there, Mrs. Jane.

Hi, Elly.

Will you stay to vittles?

Granny's cooked up
an extra special treat

for Jethro's graduation.

Sure, she will.
What is it, Elly?

Chicken-fried chicken
hawk and crawdad burgers.

Mm-mm!

Oh, hey, come on, Mrs. Jane.

I don't really have the time.

Oh, I can give you that.

In 11 seconds, it'll be
exactly 17 minutes before...

Jethro, Mrs. Potts
is right put out at you.

You're late for
graduation rehearsal.

I am?

Yeah, you was supposed

to be over at the
school at half past 12:00.

Oh, shucks, I forgot.

Oh, Granny's got
vittles ready now.

Jethro, which is more
important, eating or graduating?

Well...

You're wrong. Get
over to the school.

(piano playing)

(plays flourish)

That's fine, Diana.

All right, children, we're
going to try it again now,

and this time please
keep in tempo.

All right, Diana,
one, two, three, four.

(processional playing)

Jethro!

I'm sorry I'm late, Mrs. Potts.

Hey, fellers, take a
look at my new watch.

(all exclaiming)

Boys, boys, boys,
come now, boys.

Jethro, this is supposed
to be a dress rehearsal.

Didn't you get a
graduation suit?

Yes, ma'am, I sure did.

Uncle Jed let me go clean
into Los Angeles all by myself

and pick it out.

Well, I hope you
remembered to get a dark suit.

Oh, yes, ma'am.
It's a dark green.

Green?

With big yellow
squares all over it.

And I got some yellow
shoes to go with it.

And the fellow threw
in a necktie for free.

It's got the picture
of a hula dancer on it.

When the lights
go out, she glows.

And there's writing on it
that lights up and says,

"Kiss me in the dark, baby."

Diana!

Please...

Shall I get you
some smelling salts?

Yes, and Milburn Drysdale.

Tell him to come
quickly. It's an emergency.

Hey, guys, you
ought to see this store

where I bought my suit.

There's a fellow there that
stands behind this little wire fence

and sells everything there
is: cameras, clothes, guitars,

(boys clamoring) jewelry,
watches, ties, doodads, everything.

Boys!

Get back in your places.

Graduation is only
two hours away!

Oh, an hour and 59
minutes, and 34 seconds...

33 seconds, 32
seconds, 31 seconds...

Jethro... You want to see? Here.

Jethro, please!

Now then, boys,
certain ones of you

will be performing specialties
during the exercises.

Will those boys
please step forward?

You, Jethro?

Well, yes, ma'am. I thought
for my special exercise

I'd do this 50 times.

No, no, no, Jethro, no!

Mr. Drysdale, I fully realize

that you hold the
mortgage on my school

and that the Clampetts are
very special friends of yours.

And my largest depositors.

Yes. But under no circumstances

can I allow Jethro
to participate

in the graduation
exercises... ceremonies.

Why not?

Because he'll make
a shambles of them.

In the first place, he towers
over the other children.

Well, you knew
that two years ago

when you enrolled him.

No, I didn't, I swear it.

When Mr. Clampett and
Jethro were in my office that day,

I thought they were talking
about somebody else;

a tiny little boy.

I still say let Jethro graduate
with the the other boys.

I can't afford to
antagonize the Clampetts.

And you can't afford
to antagonize me.

But the reputation of
my school is involved.

Forget it.

There is something
else that's involved.

I don't want to hear about it.

It's money.

Tell me about it.

Our certificates today
are going to be presented

by Mr. Theodore Switzer.

The philanthropist?
The multimillionaire?

Correct.

And if he is
favorably impressed,

he may endow my school
with a very large sum of money.

Hmm... Well, I'll
have a talk with Jethro.

I'll see that he
wears a nice suit,

he says thank you.

He'll be fine.

Jethro, will you come
out here, please?

Be right there.

(yelling): Oh, put
me down, Jethro!

I just wanted to
show Mr. Drysdale

my graduation exercise.

Put her down, Jethro.

Jethro...

when Mr. Switzer presents
you with your certificate today,

he may ask you
a few questions...

Such as, "What do you want
to be when you grow up...

that is, mature?"

Yes, what do you
want to be, Jethro?

A streetcar conductor.

A streetcar conductor?

Yes, sir. I seen one
over to Joplin once.

He had a little
gadget right here.

He could squirt nickels, dimes
and quarters out of that thing

faster than milk
from a tall cow.

Oh, uh, Jethro come back
from the rehearsal yet?

Well, not yet, Pa.

Hey, Skipper, look
at your handsome pa.

(chattering)

Sure hope it's his foot
you're talkin' about.

I'm talkin' about you.

Why, you're duded up
like a preacher on Sunday.

Smell like a
barbershop on Saturday.

Well, Elly I kind of
think it's beholding on us

to do Jethro proud
at his graduation.

Hey, Pa, can I have some of
that there slick-em, smell-em

that you've got on your hair?

Oh, it ain't for girls, Elly.

I want it for Skipper.

He wants to look nice
for graduation, too.

Where you going, boy?

Gonna get something to eat.

Fella's got to keep
up his strength

doing the kind of graduation
exercises I'm doin'.

Come on, Skip.

Granny, Jethro's
headin' for the kitchen

and he's starvin'.

I heard him comin'.

That's why I cleared out.

When that boy starts
swingin' a knife and fork,

he ain't safe to be around.

I just hope he don't
set fire to the kitchen

with the sparks.

Come on, Skipper.

Ah, whee.

Why this man must be one of them

heart-breaki" movie stars.

Could I have your
autograph, Mr. Fairbanks?

Now cut that out.

I figured I oughta get
curried and combed

a might extra for
Jethro's graduation.

You mean, Mrs. Potts.

Mrs. Potts?

Oh, come now, Jed.

That city school teacher always
has had an eye out for you.

That's plum' ridiculous.

Why would a fine, educated
city woman like Mrs. Potts

take a second look at me?

I'll tell ya why.

You're as handsome
as a new buggy.

And you're rollin' in dough
like a baker's knuckles.

That's plum' ridiculous.

That woman don't
even know I'm alive.

(laughing)

All right, now let's
run over this quickly.

Diana, you will
get Jethro's watch

and set it back 45 minutes.

Mrs. Potts, you will do the same

with Mr. Clampett's watch.

Well, that's a simple
matter for Diana,

but how am I going to
get Mr. Clampett's watch?

You're a woman, he's a
man... Take it from there.

Or would you rather have
Mr. Switzer judge your school

by Jethro?

I'll do it, I'll do it.

I need that endowment.

Mrs. Potts, isn't this going
to be quite a blow to Jethro...

Missing his graduation?

He won't miss it, dear.

As soon as Mr. Switzer has gone,

we will have special
ceremony just for Jethro.

Well, howdy, folks.

Come in, come in.

Granny, do you remember
Millicent Schuyler Potts

and her assistant Miss Davis?

I sure do.

Well, Miss Davis
has a few things

to go over with Jethro.

Well, he's out in the
kitchen having vittles.

May I take her out?

Oh, I reckon it's safe.

The edge ought to
be off his appetite now.

Well, where is Mr. Clampett?

Ah, you'd like to see him,
would you, Mrs. Potts?

Indeed, I would.

Oh, Jed! That woman
that don't know you're alive

is here to see you.

Oh, howdy there, Mrs. Potts.

(unctuously):
Hello, Mr. Clampett.

I didn't figure
we'd be seeing you

till long about 3:00
when Jethro graduates.

Oh, uh, oh, Mr. Clampett,

then you are coming?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, I was so worried.
You didn't RSVP.

I didn't?

No, and that's why I'm here.

To extend to you a
very special invitation

and to make sure that you get
there exactly at the right time.

Oh, we'll be on time, all right.

You promise?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, and you won't be late?

No, ma'am.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Granny, ain't there something
cooking out in the kitchen?

Not as good as
what's cooking in here.

Ma'am, you mind
squeezing this other hand?

That one's got my watch in it.

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Did I hurt you?

No, ma'am.

There, make it better.

Maybe a little bit.

Granny, hadn't you ought
to be be looking after Jethro?

He ain't the one that
needs lookin' after.

Uh, here's your
watch, Mr. Clampett.

My, isn't it beautiful?

Well, thank you, ma'am.

Well, how are
things goin in here?

Oh, fine, just fine.

Jethro, you hurry up and
get into your graduation suit.

Yeah, it must be...
quarter to 2:00?

Oh, it must be later than that.

What time you got, Jethro?

Oh, I got... Miss Diana, can
I have my watch back now?

Certainly, Jethro. Thank you.

In 14 seconds it'll be exactly
15 minutes before 2:00.

Make that 11. Make that ten.

That's close enough, Jethro.

What time you got, Mr. Drysdale?

Same as everybody
else, quarter to 2:00.

Diana, we must
get back to school.

Mr. Drysdale, may
we impose on you?

My pleasure.

Oh, well, now we'll see
all of you at 3:00 sharp.

Yes, I'll come back
and pick you up

at a quarter of 3:00.
That's one hour from now.

Oh, no need to. Jethro will
drive us over in the truck.

Not on his graduation day.

Let me have the honor.

(sweetly): See
you later, Jethro.

Jethro, I think Miss Diana
is kinda sweet on you.

I thought so, too, at first.

Then I found out she
just liked me for my watch.

Oh, hey, Uncle
Jed, look at Skipper.

Jethro, you see if you can get
yourself looking as neat as he is.

Can Skipper go with us
to his graduation, too, Pa?

Well, let's go outside
and ask Mrs. Potts.

Maybe she ain't gone yet.

Come on, Skip.

There's only one way to tell
time and that's with the sun.

Granny, Mrs. Potts go?

Yes, and you know something?

According to my calculations,
it's done past 2:30.

Granny, you can't hardly put
your calculations up against

three store-bought watches.

Where you going, Granny?

To Potts' school.

Let them with watches be late.

I'm gonna be on time.

Can Skipper and me go, too?

Climb on.

(tires squeal)

Granny, you ain't supposed
to be driving that truck!

Granny, come back here!

That muley little woman

is gonna be more
than 45 minutes early.

It's just a small
school, Mr. Switzer,

but Mrs. Potts believes
in quality, not quantity.

That's very commendable.

Well, it's been a pleasure
making your acquaintance.

I've long been an
admirer of your money...

many charities
and philanthropies.

Well.. (speaks Latin)

Well, your graduating class has

a very impressive scholastic
average, Mrs. Potts.

Thank you, Mr. Switzer.

With the exception of this
one student, Jethro Bodine.

Uh, Jethro, yes.

Well, I doubt very much
if he'll be here today.

He's graduating, isn't he?

Oh, yes, yes, he's graduating,

Excuse us, fellas.

Is this here where you
go to watch a graduation?

No, ma'am, you have
to go around front.

There wasn't no
place to park out front.

Hey, isn't that Skipper,

the one that Jethro's
always talking about?

Why, it sure is.

Where's Jethro?

We're supposed to march
out in about one minute.

Yeah, it's 3:00 now.

I knew it, Elly May.

Jethro's gonna miss
his own graduation.

I've got a great idea.

Let Skipper march out
and get Jethro's certificate.

You reckon it's
all right, Granny?

It's all right with me.

Mrs. Potts, I don't mean to pry,
but if I'm to endow this school

with a large sum of money,

I have a right to
know about Jethro.

Yes. Well, you see, Mr. Switzer,

Jethro has a very
definite inferiority complex.

He doesn't like to appear
in front of an audience.

Why does he feel inferior?

Well...

Well, he's different
from the other boys.

Different? How?

Ooh, uh, his appearance,
his size, his background,

his manners, even
the food he eats.

Why did you enroll him?

Frankly, it was a mistake.

But once enrolled,
I felt duty-bound

to give him the best
education I knew how.

Actually, Mrs. Potts has
accomplished miracles with Jethro.

From the looks of his
grades, I'd hardly agree.

Mr. Switzer, I give you my word.

Jethro posed a most
unusual academic challenge.

Well, it's after 3:00.

I suppose we should
proceed without him.

Thank you, Mr. Switzer.

Diana, begin the
march. Will you, uh...?

(march playing)

(audience gasps)

Mrs. Potts, you're
entirely too modest!

Academic challenge, indeed!

Why, it's a miracle that he
can make these kind of grades!

I'm doubling my endowment!

Now if you can just rid him
of that inferiority complex.

I'll work on it.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways Presentation.