The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 35 - Jed Foils a Home Wrecker - full transcript

Mrs. Drysdale hires a demolition man to remove the Clampett's cabin. Mr. Drysdale decides to occupy the cabin so it can't be removed. The Clampetts think a "home wrecker" is breaking up the Drysdale's marriage.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

(to the tune of "The
Crawdad Song")

♪ Oh, throw in a pot,
throw in a pan, Elly ♪

♪ Throw in a pot,
throw in a pan, Granny ♪

♪ It's so bare,
we're gonna pack ♪

♪ Move to the
cabin way out back ♪

BOTH: ♪ Honey, baby, mine. ♪

Well, you two look kinda happy.

You betcha we are.

Granny and me's moving
everything into the cabin

down by the cement pond.

We've been in this mansion
pretty near two years.

Now we want to live
the good life again.

Leastways, for a spell.

This is gonna make
things kinda awkward.

I just told Mr. Drysdale that
he could move into the cabin.

Oh, well, you just
tell him... Drysdale?

Yes, ma'am. Banker Drysdale?

Yes, ma'am.

Wants to move into the cabin?

Well, leastways, for a spell.

What in tarnation fer?

Well, I didn't figure it
was my place to ask,

but I reckon he's
got a good reason.

Because my wife has arranged
to have this cabin torn down

and carted away.

But she's gone to Boston.

Why not just cancel
the arrangement?

I don't know who's
coming or when,

but I do know the law:

if the cabin is occupied,
they can't touch it.

But Chief, the logical person

to occupy this cabin is Granny.

Very funny.

Do you see that double-barreled
12-gauge scattergun?

Yes.

Granny would
scatter those wreckers

before they could
pick up a crowbar.

And the city of
Beverly Hills takes

a dim view of shootouts.

Well, what about, what
about Mr. Clampett or Jethro?

I don't want the Clampetts

to know what a fink my wife is.

Chief, occupying this cabin
for several days and nights

would be an arduous
ordeal for one accustomed

to the comforts of city living.

I'm not worried.

There's no electricity,
no running water,

no heat except
the open fireplace.

No comforts of any kind.

Stop worrying.

You'll do fine.

Me?!

Chief, Chief, I am
but a frail woman.

There's no such
thing as a frail woman.

Whoever named you the weaker sex

must be the same idiot who
said "Money can't buy happiness."

(sobs)

Okay, okay, you win.

I'll stay here.

I'm only a bank president

with hundreds of
employees depending on him.

My health and welfare
are not important.

Mr. Drysdale, you...
you know I have never

refused you any
reasonable request.

I have always
been a loyal and...

Forget it.

Chopping wood for this fireplace

will probably be good exercise.

That's true.

Chopping wood is considered

very beneficial for the health.

Sort of like
swinging a golf club.

Exactly! Promotes
deep breathing,

muscular coordination
and a keen eye.

Okay, you win.

Just enough for tonight.

But Ch-Ch-Chief,
you-you don't expect me...

Now, you're not gonna let
me down again, are you?

No... no, Chief, I'll do it.

Good girl.

Mr. Drysdale, Granny
just wants you to know

that if you want to
stay here the night

it's all right with her.

Ain't that right, Granny?

That's right.

You can stay here
just as long as you like.

Well, thank you, Granny.

I guess it seems a
rather odd request.

Now, now, like Jed says,

it was you who put
this little cabin here,

and you did it just for me,
so I wouldn't get homesick.

And like Jed says, it
ain't my place to ask you

why you want to move in.

Thank you.

And like Jed says,

if you want to
leave your fine home

and move into this little cabin,

that's your business, not mine.

Well, thank you.

That's like Jed says.

But me, I want to
know what you're up to.

Granny!

Did you and the
missus have a spat?

Mr. Drysdale, in case
you need anything,

anything we can do to make
you comfortable, just holler.

I'll do that.

Are you planning to
spend the night here?

Granny!

Well, Jed, I just
want to tell him

that he'll need some firewood.

It gets chilly out
here come sundown.

That's a fact.

I'll split you up a stack.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

Miss Hathaway... I mean,
I've already taken care

of the wood-chopping situation.

Come on, Granny.

Jethro, dear boy, you
have come to my rescue

as a knight of old.

And now the right is
yours to claim a reward.

Oh, shucks, I couldn't take
no money from you, Miss Jane.

Money was not
what I had in mind.

I was offering you a kiss.

Right out here in the open
where everybody can see us?

You have a point there.

Here are the keys to
Mr. Drysdale's limousine.

It is parked in his driveway

and he will not be
using it again today.

Does this suggest a way

in which you might
claim your reward?

It sure does!

I like driving even
better than kissing.

Whee-ha!

That boy's like a
magnificent lighthouse;

tall, strong and sturdy.

If only his beacon
weren't so dim.

Just heard Jethro
yelling. Anything wrong?

No, no, just
youthful exuberance.

I'll do that for you, Miss Jane.

Oh, thank you.

Miss Jane, why is
Mr. Drysdale wanting

to spend the night in the cabin?

Oh, he doesn't want to.

It's just that his wife
has forced him to.

You see, she made arrangements

for this home wrecker to...

Oh, I shouldn't have said that.

Mr. Drysdale will be furious.

We'll help him fight.

No, no, no, please, Granny.

He doesn't want
you to get involved.

Don't tell him I said anything.

But my shotgun's
in the cabin there...

No, no, no, Granny,
Granny, please.

Mr. Drysdale knows the law.

He knows how to
handle the situation.

So do I... with buckshot.

Shh! Now promise
you won't do anything.

Granny, are you
still trying to find out

what's none of your business?

No, I ain't. I
done found it out.

Granny, remember your promise?

I won't say a word to Jed.

Thank you.

Now, Jed, I'm gonna be
walking right behind you,

so don't listen, or you might
hear me talking to myself.

Ain't it terrible about Mrs.
Drysdale throwing her husband

out of the house
for that other man?

Granny...

Ain't nothing worse
than a home wrecker.

Granny...

Will you mind your
own business, nosy?

Poor Mr. Drysdale
has to spend the night

in that cold cabin all alone.

Well, Mr. Drysdale, I
reckon you're all set.

That is, if you're still sure you
want to spend the night here.

I'm sure. And thank
you very much.

You'd be much more
comfortable up at our mansion.

Then we could set a while and
you could tell me your troubles.

If you got any.

And I kinda think you have.

What do you mean?

Nothing, nothing.

I ain't heard nothing.

If that varmint
shows up tonight,

use my shotgun on him.

What varmint?

Granny, are you
pestering Mr. Drysdale

with them questions again?

No, I was just telling him

that my shotgun is handy

in case that rascal
shows up tonight

and wants to steal a chicken.

Oh, speaking of these chickens,

are they gonna
be here all night?

Yes, sir. This ol' plow's
their favorite resting place.

Well, it's pretty close
to the cabin, isn't it?

Yes, sir, that
makes it real handy

if they get scared
during the night,

goes to squawki" and yellin',

you can just come out on
the porch and talk to 'em.

Call 'em by their names.

This here's Rosy and Drusilla,

Fowler Jane, Millie...

Elly May, Elly May,
what I'm worried about

is sleeping through
all the noise they make.

Oh, don't worry about that.

They'll wake you up.

Well, Elly May, I kinda think

Mr. Drysdale would like
us to move the chickens.

Yes, I would.

Oh, it won't do no
good to move 'em.

They'll come right
back to this old plow.

Well, then we'll move the plow.

You run fetch Jethro to help us.

Yes, sir, Pa.

I'll help.

Oh, Mr. Drysdale, you
with this fine city suit

and them shiny shoes get all
ruined before we went a hundred feet.

We'll take care of it.

You come here and sit a spell.

Yeah, we'll just
sit here and talk.

Got anything you want

to get off your
chest, Mr. Drysdale?

Any troubles you want
to unburden yourself of?

Granny, what are you up to?

Ain't he the nosy one?

But Professor, I've
been offered $500

for the story of the
Drysdales and the Clampetts.

I know, Ginny, but...

What a sensation it'll cause.

"Beverly Hills banker holds
servants in virtual bondage.

"Entire family forced
to live in tiny shack

on his palatial estate."

Ginny, listen to me.

Writing this story for a term
paper in sociology is one thing,

but writing it for
publication is quite another.

You can be sued!

For telling the truth?

Professor, you were with
me in Drysdale's office

when he admitted he put that
shack there for the Clampetts.

He admitted he
paid them no salary.

He can deny it now.

And if the Clampetts
don't back up your story,

he can sue for libel.

They'll back me up.

Why, if it weren't for me,
they'd still be in that cabin

eating dandelion greens
and working for nothing.

It was I who got them
to shake off their bonds

and move into the
Drysdale mansion here.

Ginny, I was with
you here, remember?

Well, I'm sorry, Professor.

I get carried away
when I remember

how arrogant
Drysdale was about it,

defying us to do anything.

Well, you did something.

You got the Clampetts a
new and better way of life.

And you also got
an "A" in Sociology.

Now maybe you should
leave well enough alone

and forget about
selling that story.

Well, maybe you're right,

but as long as we're
here, I would like to see

how they're enjoying
their freedom.

All right.

Yes? Oh, it's the
young sociology major.

And this is Professor Graham.

Of course, we met in
Mr. Drysdale's office.

Come in.

Oh, thank you.

Good to see you again.

Oh, incidentally,
the Chief was furious

after your visit the other day.

"Meddlers," he called you.
"Troublemakers, ding-a-lings."

(chuckles) He was livid.

But that's terrible.

Well, you must realize

that Mr. Drysdale has been
barraged with complaints

about the Clampetts
for two years now.

He's battled his
neighbors, city hall,

even his own family to
keep them as they are.

You mean, as they were.

Their whole way of
life has changed now.

Not that I've noticed.

What? What?

Where are they?

Right now, they're
around back in a little cabin

Mr. Drysdale put up for them.

Again?!

The despot has extinguished
the flame of freedom,

stifled the cry of liberty.

We must rouse the
peasants to revolt.

Wait a minute!

Come on, Professor.
Let's storm the Bastille.

To arms, to arms!

The Chief was right.

The are a couple
of ding-a-lings.

Pa, Miss Jane says
Jethro run off and...

Well, he's gone.

Well, I reckon we can
move this plow without him.

Now, I insist that
you let me help.

Ooh!

I'm sorry!

Mr. Drysdale, I do believe

we can do better ourselves.

I guess I'm not too
handy at this sort of thing

and I do have to speak to Miss
Hathaway before she leaves.

I'll be right back.

All right, Elly May,
you take one handle;

Granny, you take
the other, and I'll pull.

One, two, three, heave!

Giddyup, Jed, pull!

Come on, Pa, heave!

Drysdale has them
working like serfs again.

It's worse than ever!

Stop! Stop!

Oh, it's the little girl
spouts all the big words.

And the sociable professor.

You shouldn't be
struggling with this plow.

ELLY: We took down a root.

And we want to get it moved
before Mr. Drysdale gets back.

Come on, give us a hand.

Now, wait a
minute, listen to me.

Is Mr. Drysdale
paying you to do this?

No, ma'am.

Of course not.

Oh, we couldn't take
money from Mr. Drysdale.

You hear that, Professor?

The moment we left, he
subjugated them again.

Where's Jethro?

He run off.

Well, I didn't
want to say nothi"

in front of Mr. Drysdale,

'cause Jethro run
off in his limousine.

Oh, Jethro hadn't
ought to done that.

He's gonna get a whuppin'
when he comes back.

No, he won't.

I say he will.

Granny, what
Jethro did was good.

It was an act of defiance.

You should all try
to be like Jethro.

Young lady, I don't
hold with that kind of talk.

Especially in front
of Elly May here.

What Jethro done was wrong.

No, it was right.

Now, Ginny...

You keep up that kind of talk,

and you'll get a
whuppin' yourself.

I'm not afraid of the tyrant.

I defy him.

Down with the oppressor.

Cast off the
shackles of serfdom.

Rise up against the villain.

Ginny, Ginny, here he comes.

And we ain't moved this
plow one inch. Come on.

Are you two
troublemakers back again?

Yes, and we'll
continue to come back

as long as there are
robber barons like you,

and a miserable hovel like this

on the very edge of a
$50,000 swimming pool.

That hovel and
that swimming pool

are both on private
property, and so are you.

Only they're staying
and you're going.

Now beat it.

Ginny, we are trespassing.

Read the story of
the French Revolution,

Louis the XVII.

Study the Magna
Carta, King John.

You too shall have
your Robespierre,

your Richard the Lion-Hearted.

It never fails...

Every election year they
come out of the woodwork.

Hot diggity dog!

You sure are more fun
to drive than that old truck.

GINNY: Jethro!

Noble Spartacus, I hail you.

Well, I hail you, too.

You have come back to
lead your people in revolt.

No, ma'am, I come back to eat,

and fetch
Mr. Drysdale's limousine.

Sure is a doozy, huh?

I wish I could take Granny, Elly
May and Uncle Jed for a ride in it.

You can, you shall, you must.

Now, Ginny...

Drive it around to the
very door of that little cabin

and speed your family way
to liberté, égalité and fraternité!

Sure do my best.

But I have trouble finding
Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga.

Wait a minute, Jethro!

No, don't wait.

Strike now. Away, Spartacus.

Fire up the torch of freedom.

Yes, ma'am.

(tires squealing)

Ginny, I'm afraid
you've gone too far.

How can you go too far
with a beast like Drysdale?

You've got that
kid so steamed up,

there's no telling
what he'll do.

Good for him.

Come on, let's drive around back

and see what happens.

Are you kidding?

I'm getting you out of here.

Uncle Jed, Granny,
Elly May, come on!

Come on, Granny.

Jethro, what in
tarnation are you up to?

Hop in. I'm gonna fire
up the torch of freedom.

First, I'm gonna fire up
the seat of your pants.

(crowing)

Morning, Jed.

Morning, Granny.

Sorry I overslept.

Yeah, it ain't like you.

Well, I was down to
the cabin half the night

tryin' to help Mr. Drysdale.

Tryin' to help him what?

To get to sleep.

Man can't sleep with
troubles on his mind.

He has to unburden
hisself to someone.

You was tryin' to
unburden him half the night?

It was slow work, Jed.

He kept dozing off.

I finally gave up.

I wasted three pots
of coffee on him.

I reckon I'll mosey
on down there

and see how he's
doin' this mornin'...

Without your help.

Jed... try and get
him to tell you about

the home wrecker that's come
between him and his missus.

That's what the poor man
needs to unburden hisself of.

Granny, I figure if Mr. Drysdale

wants me to know
about the home wrecker,

he'll tell me without my asking.

Not if he's as sleepy
as he was last night.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, come on, let's
clear out of here.

Wha... wha... what?

Where am I?

You're in a shack that's
about to be wrecked

and hauled away... come on.

(grunting, groaning)

Hey, hey, you better hightail it

for the city limits.

The Beverly Hills police
don't take kindly to vagrants.

I am not a vagrant.

I am president of
the Commerce Bank.

Oh, well, glad to meet you.

I'm president of U.S. Steel.

Yeah? Yeah.

This is a real pleasure.

I've got identification right...

Where'd I get these clothes?

My guess would be the rag bag.

No, I remember now.

My suit was getting wrinkled
and Jethro gave me these.

I got work to do,
so hit the road.

Here, here's two
bits. Get some coffee.

Now wait a minute! Who are you?!

A-1 Wreckers.

I got a contract to move
this eyesore out of here.

Well, forget it.

I know the law.

You can't touch this cabin

as long as I'm occupying it.

By golly, you
know, you're right.

Put me down! Put me down!

Put me down!

Now hold on, mister.

Where are you going with him?

What is this, a hobo jungle?

No wonder Mrs. Drysdale
wants this mess hauled away.

You ain't hauli" him nowhere

as long as I'm here.

Oh, you tramps gonna
gang up on me, eh?

Be careful who you're
called a tramp, mister.

You're asking for a fat lip.

From who?

Him, that's who.

Let me have a
talk with this fella.

Okay, I'll be inside.

He can't do a thing
as long as I'm in there.

Hold on, buddy.

Let him go. He
had a rough night.

Now, uh, can't you and me
kind of straighten this out?

What's to straighten out?

Mrs. Drysdale got tired of
looking at that old eyesore,

so she called me.

No offense, but when he is
dressed up and combed and shaved,

he is every bit as
good-lookin' as you.

Maybe better.

Before you come along,

him and his missus
was mighty happy.

I didn't come along.

Mrs. Drysdale called me.

You a old friend of hers?

Never met the
woman till yesterday.

She saw my ad in the paper.

You mean you advertise
to wreck homes?

Have to stay in business.

If you ask me, it's a mighty
sorry business to stay in.

Look, Mac, I've
wasted enough time.

Now, why don't you
get out of my way

and I'll do my job, huh?

I reckon I can't
let you do that.

Okay.

I'll be back.

With my partner.

Who was that, Jed?

That's the fella
that's come betwixt

Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale.

Big, ain't he?

And bold.

What you mean?

Well, generally a man is ashamed
to be known as a home wrecker.

But that rascal's got it
wrote right across his back.

You're greenin' me.

That ain't the half of it.

He runs a ad in the newspaper.

I can't believe it.

You ain't heard it all.

He gets paid for
bustin' up homes.

Ain't there no limit

to what these city
folks'll do for a dollar?

Appears there ain't.

Did he leave?

Yeah, but he said
he's coming back...

With his partner.

Don't you worry, Mr. Drysdale,

we'll help fight 'em off.

I don't want to get you
people involved... really I don't.

That's what friends
and neighbors is fer!

I'll go get Jethro to help.

By the way, when Jethro
gave me these clothes last night,

he took my suit and said he'd
have the wrinkles taken out for me.

Well, I'll find
him, Mr. Drysdale.

We'll fight off them
home wreckers!

Now, Granny, no
shooting, please.

Buckshot is the
only kind of talk

them rascals understand.

No, Granny, the
law is on my side.

As long as I occupy this ca...

Say, I've got an idea.

You have a padlock?

Yeah, there's one inside.

Great. Let me have it.

(tires squealing)

How'd you like
that ride, Elly May?

(Elly May whistles)

Hey, how about takin'
my critters for a ride now?

Well, go get 'em.
There's plenty of room.

(car approaching)

Hi.

Ginny, I told you that was
Jethro who passed us doing 60.

Shucks, this car will
do better than that.

Jethro, where'd you
get those clothes?

Oh, these are Mr. Drysdale's.

Kind of little on me.

That'll stretch
the wrinkles out.

Where is Mr. Drysdale?

Oh, he's stayin'
in the cabin now.

Living there?

He got throwed out of his house.

I was afraid something
like this might happen.

Gee, Professor, I never
dreamed they'd go that far.

Let's hope they
haven't gone any further.

Come on.

Jethro, have you been joyriding

in Mr. Drysdale's car again?

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

And wearing his
suit and his hat?

Now look what you made me do.

Granny's gonna whup me.

She'll have to
stand in line to do it.

Now get in there and
get them clothes off.

A fella tries to do the
best he knows how,

all he gets is yelled
at and hickory-sticked

and pretty near
squeezed to death

in a city suit.

Excuse me for livin'.

Oh, no.

Even I didn't think
they'd go that far.

What do you suppose happened?

Too much too soon.

I'm afraid you unleashed forces

they were not
equipped to handle.

Come on, let's help
poor Mr. Drysdale.

No, wait.

Hey, what's going on here?

Unfasten that chain.

Turn him loose.

All I'm gonna turn loose is
about a pound of buckshot.

There's half a pound.

Where'd you like the other half?

Never mind.

Forget it.

Mrs. Drysdale can
get herself another boy.

Let's go, Barney.

What'll we do?

Call the police.

It's gone too far for us.

Gee, I'm sorry, Professor.

I'll never meddle
again, I promise.

Come on.

I told you his kind would
only understand buckshot talk.

You were wonderful, Granny.

Thank ya.

Now you can unburden
yourself of all your troubles.

I'm afraid I haven't got time.

You got all the
time in the world.

What makes you think so?

Ain't no key to that padlock.

What?

Been lost for 40 years.

Now then...

tell me, when was it your wife
first took up with that rascal?

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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