The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 31 - The Continental Touch - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

♪ ♪

It's locked!

Aha!

I fooled you!

Now you're goin' to the kitchen

and have a cookin' lesson!

Help me, Skipper!

Can't figure who
could've locked this

and took the key.

Wasn't me, Uncle Jed.

GRANNY: Fooled you again!

(laughing): I
locked all the doors!

Who let Elly out?

Elly did.

Head her off, Jed!

Chase her back this way!

Might need your help, Jethro.

Yes'm, Granny.

JED: Grab her and
hold her, Jethro!

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed!

What are you doin'? Let me go!

Jethro, I didn't mean Granny.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You hollered, "Hold her,"

and she was the
only her here to hold.

Help me catch her!

I'm gonna kitchen-break
that young'un

if it's the last
thing I ever do!

All right, Jethro, you
go through the pantry.

Granny, you go around back.

I'll circle the house and see

she don't get
out the front door.

Hurry, Skip, unlock the door.

That's it, Skip. Attaboy!

Come on, Skip, turn the key.

Aha! I got you trapped now!

ELLY: Hurry, Skip!

Jethro, grab her and hold her!

Jethro, you put me
down, you big moose, you!

Elly May got away,
thanks to you, Jethro.

Yeah, you're welcome, Uncle Jed,

but I pert near
lost my leg doin' it.

She made it to
the big tree, Jed.

Jethro, how about
shinnying up that tree

and gettin' her down?

I'd sooner jump into
a swamp full of gators!

This ain't no time for swimmin'.

Now get up in that tree!

I'm too young to die, Granny.

Granny, the boy
has been throwed out

of that tree a couple
times on his head.

It ain't just that I got

to fight Elly up
there in that tree top.

She'll have her bobcat
up there to help her.

Her raccoon and her
possum and no tellin' what all.

There goes the little
ape to join her side.

Son of a gun can hang on

with one hand and
hit you with three!

All right, you big fraidy-cat,

I'll go get her myself.

No, Granny, Jethro
and me will handle it.

You just stick around
the bottom of the tree

and see that no more
critters joins up with her.

Come on, Jethro.

Remember what you
promised me, Uncle Jed.

Yeah, boy, put down
your end and run.

Where's Jethro? I'm
gonna beat him up!

You ain't gonna beat nothin'

but a great big batch
of biscuit dough.

Now, you get busy

and make your pa a
nice pan of hot biscuits.

You want hot biscuits, Pa?

Well, it ain't that, Elly.

It's just that we
figure you ought

to be able to bake
biscuits for your husband.

Well, I ain't got no husband.

Well, we're, uh, hopin'
all that will change.

You see, here in Beverly Hills,

a girl's got a
chance to marry up

with a handsome movie star.

Yeah, like Tom
Mix or Hoot Gibson!

Well, Granny, I hear tell

that they got some new ones.

Uh, Miss Jane was talkin'

about a fella
name o' Cary Grant.

Grant!

I don't think he's
any relation, Granny.

Now, uh, Elly May, uh,

supposin' you was to
marry up with Cary Grant

and, uh, o" Cary looked up

from the supper
table and he says, uh,

"Elly May, honey,

"I'm just a-honin' and a-pinin'

for some hot biscuits to
sop up my redeye gravy."

What would you say to that?

I'd tell him to make
his own biscuits

the same way he made the gravy,

'cause I can't
make that, neither.

Jed, hobble her to the stove.

I'm gonna learn her
to make hot biscuits

and redeye gravy before
Cary Grant comes a-courtin'.

Grab her and hold her, Jethro!

This is the last time I'm gonna

do this for you, Uncle Jed!

A fella can take only
so much punishment!

Elly May, looks to me like you

might be fixin'
to make biscuits.

I reckon so, Pa.

Clabber milk biscuits,
light as feathers.

Did you put in the soda
and the bakin' powder, Elly?

All they was.

All there was?

Why, that was a two-pound
can of baking powder.

I don't wanna worry nobody,

but that clump of dough
just took a deep breath.

It's really sizzling,
it's bakin' powder.

Look out, Pa, it's
grabbin' for you!

What do we do, Granny?

Well, we got two choices.

We can either
stay here and fight it

or get out and
give it the kitchen.

Well, I say, let's fight!

What do you want to do, Jed?

Well, I'm kind of in
favor of gettin' outta here.

Well, that gives me
the deciding vote.

Now, let's see.

(rumbling)

Granny, I kind of
think we're going

to have to find another way

to get Elly ready for courtin'.

Not me!

Well, before we do anything,

we've got to catch her.

She's headed right
for the Drysdales'!

Well, come on. Jethro!

And then, right in the
middle of the final hand,

those dreadful
hillbillies came charging

across our patio,
painted like savages,

and threw the bridge tournament

into complete chaos!

Well, I'm sure there
was no harm done.

No harm done?

I dropped my cards,
Mrs. Northcross fainted,

and Mrs. Wesson,
our club champion,

led a low diamond
from a heart bid

and was wiped out!

Now, Margaret, I tell you what.

A visit to the beauty shop

always sort of picks you up.

Why don't you go over there,

spend a few hours
and get the works?

I spent the entire morning

in the beauty shop.

Oh! Well, no wonder
you look so lovely.

Well, why don't you go shopping

and buy yourself a
new deck of cards?

Milburn, speaking of shopping,

there's a new couturier

in town I'd like to try,

The House of Maurice.

Everyone at the bridge luncheon

was raving about the
beautiful gowns he designs.

Of course, he is
terribly expensive.

Don't give it a thought.

You mean it?

Of course... stop
thinking about it

and go buy yourself
a deck of cards.

Very well, I guess we won't

be going out much
with Mother here.

Your mother's coming?

She seems to be the
only one I can talk to.

Well, how about
this new couturier?

I'd love to talk to him.

Okay, you win.

Milburn, you're so sweet,

so kind, so understanding.

Put them all together,
they spell "chicken".

Why, Mr. Clampett,
I would be honored

to do a favor for
you... any favor!

It was you who gave
me the opportunity

to become a couturier.

It was you who gave
me this magnificent salon.

Vous etes formidable.

Vous etes tres genereux.

Vous etes un grand gentilhomme!

Vous etes...

Now, Morris, uh,
before you say too much,

maybe you first better
hear the favor I'm askin'.

Commandez-moi.

Well, uh... hmm?

Ask me anything.

Oh, well, it's about
my daughter, Elly May.

Ah, Elly May.

(smacks lips): Tres ravissante!

Yeah, well... hmm?

Your daughter is beautiful.

Oh, yeah, kind of
high spirited, though.

Matter of fact,
Granny has given up

the idea of
kitchen-breakin' her.

We figure we're gonna have
to get her a husband city style.

City style?

Well, good looks, uh,

polite manners
and pretty clothes.

Ah, and you want me
to provide the clothes.

And the manners, too, I reckon.

(chuckles): Bring her in.

I will begin immediately.

You sure, uh, it
ain't askin' too much?

My pleasure,
Mr. Clampett. All right.

Jethro, Granny, bring her in!

You best stand back, Morris.

She's a mite snappish
when she's first unwrapped.

(laughing)

You sittin' on a
feather or somethin'?

No, sir, Uncle Jed.

I'm just thinkin' about
what that dress shop

is gonna look like
when Elly May gets done

bouncin' that
Frenchman off the walls.

She's gonna turn that
dude every way but loose.

Ah, Elly May don't balk
at wearin' pretty dresses.

She done herself right proud

in that style show,
didn't she, Granny?

Yeah, but I still say we
should've hobbled her

to the stove and
learned her to cook.

It ain't fittin' for a girl

to get married
if she can't cook.

Well, now, I was talkin'
to Morris about that.

He says cookin'
ain't too important,

especially if Elly
was to marry up

with a big movie star
like, uh, Cary Grant.

That don't make sense.

You mean to tell me if
Cary Grant comes home

at night, after workin'
hard ridin' and ropin'

and fightin' them rustlers
that he ain't gonna be hungry?

Well, now, uh, Morris says

that some of them
big movie stars

hire folks to do
nothin' but fix vittles.

Go on.

Full-time hired hand
just to cook for 'em?

Are those folks made of money?

Well, a big star
like, uh, Cary Grant

must make a tolerable livin'.

Hey, Uncle Jed?
You know somethin'?

I think I'm gonna
be a movie star

instead of a scientist
or a brain surgeon.

I'd sure like to have somebody

cookin' for me full-time.

What do you think I do?

Well, Jethro, if your
cousin, Elly May,

marries up with Cary Grant,

maybe he'll learn you
the movie starrin' trade.

Hot diggity dog, I sure
hope Elly gets him then!

Well, don't hold your breath.

I still say, if Elly can't cook,

no man would look at her twice.

N'est-elle pas belle?

Un reve!

Exquise! Ravissant!

Adorable.

Une princesse.

Are ya'll makin' fun of me?

Oh, mais non, Elly May.

We were saying
that you are beautiful.

Assez belle pour
n'importe quel homme.

Madame Potvin will
teach you some French...

along with other things.

You will find it very useful.

Avec plaisir.

Oh, I have an appointment now

with an important new customer,

the wife of a bank president.

Come, Elly.

I want to see you in a dark wig.

I'm sure the effect will
be absolutely splendid.

Hello?

Oh, howdy there, Morris.

This here is Jed Clampett.

Well, Granny and
me is just wonderi"

whether Elly's behavin' herself.

(chuckling): Monsieur...

oh, Monsieur
Clampett, your daughter

is approaching me now.

And here she is,
standing by my side.

I can only say...

c'est un ange, c'est une beaute,

c'est... elle est plus
belle qu'un... um...

Uh, uh...

Sounds like Elly's
chokin' the poor fella.

Elly May, you let go of him!

Votre père... uh, your father.

(whistles)

Elly May, young
ladies do not whistle.

They say, "Enchante."

Now speak to your father...

père... father...
Howdy, Père. Enchante.

That there is French
for "Howdy, Pa" and...

(whistles)

Elly May, are you
behavin' yourself

and doin' what Maurice and
Miss Potvin is a learnin' you?

Yes, sir, Pa... I mean Père.

That Miss Potvin is
learni" me to talk French.

Listen to this...
"ouvrez la porte"

that means "open the door".

Well doggies!

Elly May just learned

how to say, "open
the door" in French!

Don't you open it, Morris,
she'll run off on you!

Done happened to
me twice already today!

Now, Elly May, Granny n' me

just want to say we's
real proud of you.

Now you learn
how to dress pretty

and talk that French real nice.

Huh?

Well, now the first time
you run into Cary Grant,

you say it to him right off.

Bye, honey.

Say what to Cary Grant?

Elly May just learned how
to talk some more French.

Does it real nice, too.

"La plume de ma tante."

Well, I hope it means

"hot biscuits and redeye gravy"!

Don't wait for me, Jenkins.

I'll be a long time.

I hope.

Bonjour, Madame.

I'm Mrs. Milburn Drysdale.

I have an appointment
with Maurice.

I am Maurice.

Oh!

This is a thrill!

I hear your gowns

can make any woman beautiful.

In your case, Madame,

it is you who will make
my gown beautiful.

(giggling): Oh, Maurice!

Champagne?

I better not.

The very atmosphere
is intoxicating.

What I do need, Maurice, is
something perfectly exquisite

to take my mind off
those dreadful hillbillies.

Hillbillies?

I won't bore you with the story.

I only wish my husband
could operate his bank

as you do your salon.

And exclude undesirable
peasants like the Clampetts.

Did you say the Clampetts?

Oh, don't worry,
they'll never come here.

They dress in the most
outrageous clothing

you've ever..

Who is she?

Who, Madame?

That divine creature who just...

There she is again!

Uh, she's a customer.

She must be someone famous.

Is she a movie star? No, Madame.

Who then? Tell me!

If I did, you would
not believe me.

Royalty!

I should have known.

She has that
unmistakable regal barring.

Oh, please, Maurice,
tell me who she is.

I am sorry, Madame Drysdale,

but we cannot
reveal the identity

of the young lady
you have just seen.

Pardon, Monsieur, téléphone.

Uh, excusez-moi.

Tell me, she is
royalty, isn't she?

That lovely young lady.

Well, uh, I can truthfully say

that I did hear Monsieur Maurice

refer to her as a princess.

I knew it!

This is just too thrilling!

Chief, Chief, are you sure

you're doing the wise thing?

Are you kidding?

My wife told the
chauffeur not to wait,

she hoped she'd be a long time!

In this kind of a shop,
she can break me!

Madame will notice the
striking beauty of this gown.

Matched by her
own striking beauty.

(giggles) The motif is classic,

the material is velvet,

and the design is
of course original.

And the price is of
course outrageous!

Milburn! How utterly vulgar!

How much is it?

Maurice, you see
what association

with the wrong people
has done to him!

Pardonnez-moi.

MAURICE: Certainement.
Milburn, you oaf!

Just being here is a privilege!

Do you realize who's
back in the fitting room

this very moment?

A princess! Really?

A princess?

Did you say something
about a princess?

Being fitted in the back.

Isn't it thrilling?

Who is she?

Maurice refuses to
divulge her identity.

Probably traveling incognito.

She didn't fool me.

That kind of beauty and
bearing has to be royalty.

(gasps) Look!

There she is!

Isn't that thrilling?

Isn't that Elly?
Gance... elegance.

That's the word you're
looking for, Chief.

Right, ele-gance.

Yonder's the Drysdales
and Miss Jane.

No, no, Elly... Where
are my glasses!

Oh, here they are.

Mrs-Mrs. Drysdale,

the princess will
think we're tourists.

You oaf!

Look, you frightened her away.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

But why can't I just go over

and say howdy to my friends?

Why they'll think
I'm puttin' on airs!

Elly, Madame Drysdale
is how-you-say, um...

Comment dit-on
en anglais "poseur"?

"Snob".

Oui, snob.

Now, if you will listen exactly
to what Madame and I tell you,

we will teach her
a great lesson.

Okeydokey.

Oh, no "dokey-dokey."

Certainment.

Naturellement.

Well, how about... (whistling)

Well now, Granny,

with Elly down
there workin' so hard

at becomin' a lady,

least we can do is
bring her some company,

so she won't get lonesome.
I reckon you're right, Jed.

Come on, Jethro, hurry
up with that company!

What I want to know is,

why we can't be Elly's company

'stead o' these critters?

Jethro, if we was
to go down there

and stand around and
watch Elly study ladyin',

she'd get nervous as a cat.

Speakin' of that, where's
her favorite bobcat?

Up in a tree, and
if she wants it,

she can come get it herself!

I reckon that'll be
enough company.

Skipper sure does
look nice, don't he?

'Course he does!

He's got on my best tie!

Dogged if he don't
tie it better than you.

Well, if I had four hands, I
could do some fancy tyin', too.

Fancy eatin', too.

Come on, drive on, Jethro.

Milburn, you bourgeois banker,

how can you just sit there

when we may be
about to meet royalty!

I have tremendous self-control.

What did you find out?

Who is she? Where is she from?

Is she really a princess?

Can I meet her?
Did you speak to her?

Mrs. Drysdale, please.

She has agreed to allow you

to be presented to her.

How marvelous!

However, her identity
must remain a secret.

I understand.

International intrigue
and all that sort of thing!

And she will speak to you
only through her interpreter!

Oh, I must call
a special meeting

of my bridge club
and tell them of this!

(Mrs. Drysdale gasps and sighs)

Presenting Mr. and
Mrs. Drysdale.

Je vous présente Monsieur
et Madame Drysdale.

Enchante.

(groans)

Is the, uh, princess,
that is, Her Highness,

uh, staying in
Beverly Hills long?

Madame, interprete.

(translating in French)

Enchante.

Oui.

Yes.

Oh!

Come, Your Highness.

Oh, what an exciting experience!

You see, Milburn,
that is real quality!

The product of generations
of breeding and culture.

She represents something

that mere money cannot buy!

I agree. Me, too.

And she's staying in
Beverly Hills for awhile.

Perhaps we can
persuade the princess

to appear at our huge party.

What huge party?

The one we're
giving for the princess.

Now, Margaret... Miss Hathaway,

you're very clever at
arranging these things.

Do speak to her interpreter.

Enchante.

Oh!

Excuse me, ma'am,

but, uh, we's looking
for my daughter.

She's about your size
except she's got yellow hair.

Well, I'm Elly.

Well, doggies, that is Elly May!

Child,

have you had your
head up a stove pipe?

Why, your hair is black as soot!

Well, no, Granny,
this here's a wig.

See!

Like this.

JETHRO: Howdy!

Well, howdy, Skipper,
sure is good to see you!

You too, Jethro. Thanks.

Oh, good, the entire
royal family is here!

Mrs. Drysdale would
like to give a huge party

for Elly May.

Mrs. Drysdale?

She was mad at us
this mornin'. Yeah,

we was chasin' Elly

and we cut across
her outdoor card parlor

and she got awful riled at us.

Commenced throwin' things at us!

Little sandwiches.

They was good, too!

Her attitude has changed.

Will you attend the party,

Elly? Well, is the rest

of my family invited, too?

Mrs. Drysdale will be
thrilled at the prospect!

Excuse me.

You see, Elly, what
becomin' a lady

has already done for you?

Yes, sir, Pa.

Did you speak to
her? Will she accept?

The princess will
attend your party

if her family and
retinue are also guests.

But of course,
they're all invited!

I'll be honored!

I shall so inform Her Highness.

Now, Milburn,

if we are going to
entertain the royal family

I insist that those
untouchables next door

be moved out!

Margaret...

how would you
like it if the princess,

and her entire
family and retinue,

were to occupy the
Clampett mansion?

Oh, Milburn!

I'd be the happiest
woman in the world!

No more complaints
about the hillbillies?

Never! Your mother
will stay in Boston?

Forever!

Then you have my word on it!

Oh.

Her Highness is
pleased to accept.

Your Highness.

Oh, Mrs. Drysdale,

now that you ain't
mad at us no more,

we can just cut out
all this foolishness

of bowin' and French talk.

JED: We're right obliged
for the party invite.

I hope you have some
more o' them little sandwiches

you was throwin' at us!

GRANNY: What's the
matter, Mrs. Drysdale,

you got a stomach ache?

Reckon she's aili" all right.

Doggone, I'm right sorry

Mrs. Drysdale
called off that party.

Woulda been a good
chance for Elly May

to meet some fellas. Don't
you worry about Elly May.

She's gonna get a
husband the right way,

bakin' and cookin'!

Oh, you got her stirrin'
up biscuits again? Nope.

This time, it's my
homemade bread.

How you doin', Elly May?

All right, I reckon.

Have you put in the yeast, girl?

All they was.

All they was!

Why, that was a two quart crock!

I reckon I best get this outside

before it gets out of control.

Open the door, Elly May.

Best throw the
blanket over it, Granny!

We don't want to be
scrapin' it off the walls again.

Now I know why cousin
Pearl used to say to you,

"Elly May, marry a man

that knows how to make dough!"

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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