The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 3 - Granny's Garden - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

All right, get goin'!

Granny, it ain't
even daybreak yet.

Earl, did you have
to crow this early?

You did fine, Earl.

The early bird catches the worm.

When we plow up
that front yard out there,

you're gonna be up to
your wishbone in them.

Here you go.

We'll start plowin' the
first light of daybreak.

Shame on you!

City living has made
you soft and lazy!

Now get to your feet

before the whole
morning is wasted.

It's already past 4:00.

4:00's powerful early.

No, not when you have

the whole front yard to plow.

And corn to plant
and taters, turnips,

rutabagas and onions and oats

and barley and watermelon.

All right, Granny, all right.

Now you get in the kitchen

and get some
breakfast on the table,

and we'll be in directly.

See that you do.

Let's eat us a good,
big breakfast Jethro,

'cause you and me's
gonna be pulling that plow.

Pa... No, Elly, now,
I know you're strong

and you're willing,
but this here

is Beverly Hills, and it
just wouldn't look right

for a young, pretty
girl to be pulling a plow.

But Pa... No, Elly.

Uncle Jed, what
Elly's trying to tell you

is that we went out last night

and got a mule
to pull that plow.

You did?

Well, yeah, like you was saying,

this here is Beverly Hills,

and we got to keep
up appearances.

That's right. Where is it?

Why, it's tied to that
big tree out back.

Well, Jethro, he didn't
look too happy there,

so I bedded him down.

Good girl, Elly.

I didn't see no mule
laying on the floor.

Couldn't have seen a
mule laying on the floor.

There ain't no mule to see.

How's it going, Granny?

Oh, just fine, just fine.

Jed, did you notice
anything unusual

about the kitchen this morning?

Nope.

Not unless you mean that mule

sleeping on the
floor over there.

Oh, praise be, Jed.

I thought I was having visions.

Who brung him in here?

You know as well as I do

who's always bringing
outdoor critters indoors.

Well, see if you can get
him back outdoors again.

I don't cotton to mules
laying around my kitchen.

'Tain't neat!

I'll take care of it.

Now, then, young fella,

if you'll just come
along with me quietly.

Don't rile him, Jed.

I got kicked by a mule once.

I want to tell you, it smarts.

Granny, can I help you?

You can help your pa
get that mule out of here.

You sure can... he
won't move for me.

Well, y'all just stay here
and I'll talk to Nelson.

Nelson?

Come on, Nelson.

If she could just talk to folks

the way she talks to critters,

we'd have us a
politician in the family!

Well, get that mule
bed out of here

and wash up for
breakfast, all of you!

Looks like a good,
strong mule, Jethro.

I hope he's broke
to plow harness.

He's taking to it
real good, Uncle Jed.

I bet you we can plow up

that whole front
yard before noon.

They wouldn't.

They might.

Well, come on, let's get

around front with the plow.

They are!

Giddyap, mule!

Haw, mule, haw, haw, haw!

Mr. Clampett!

Mr. Clampett, wait, wait, wait!

Pa and Jethro's
bringing the plow.

Want me to stick
the rest of these

in the ground for you?

Yes, Elly.

This being the dark of the moon,

we'll plant the things that
grow underground first,

like our taters and our
turnips and our onions

and our beets and our radishes.

Then comes the
light of the moon,

and we'll plant our corn and
our beans and our tomatoes.

Gee, Granny, you know more
about farming than anybody.

Look to yonder.

The sun's full up, and
we ain't plowed one furrow!

What will folks think
of us around here?

I reckon folks
ain't out of bed yet.

Folks around here
sleep a mite later

than they did back home.

I reckon so, Elly.

You know what I miss most, Elly?

What, Granny?

Well, back home, when
we'd commence to plowing

and a-planti " and a-harvesti"

and a-barn raisin' or
any kind of a big job,

the neighbors would all come
by to see if they can help you.

Folks don't do that out
here in Beverly Hills.

They don't seem
willing to help you

like the folks back home.

One is, Granny!

Look who's a-comin' on the run!

Please, wait!

By dingies, I spoke too fast.

He ain't only
willing, he's anxious!

Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Is them your work clothes?

I reckon so, Elly.

And just because you're
such a nice neighbor,

I'm gonna let you
plow the first furrow!

But unless you've
got tough feet,

you'd better put on some shoes.

Granny, Elly, please.

He is anxious.

I'll go see what's holding up

the menfolks with the plow.

It ain't no use, Uncle Jed.

This here mule's
done made up his mind

he's a gonna sit for a spell.

Well, knowing mules like I do,

we might as well
sit for a spell, too.

You know something, Uncle Jed?

He's smarter than us.

This sitting beats
plowing any ol' day!

No wonder we ain't
getting any work done!

I ought to take a switch
to the three of you,

sitting back here
hiding and loafing.

He's the one that's
loafing... Ain't a thing

we can do till he gets his fill.

I'll see about that!

Here, Jethro.

Mr. Mule... What did
Elly call this thing?

Uh, uh, Nelson.

Mr. Nelson... Nelson?!

Now, you get up off
of your big fat tailgate

and commence to pulling
that plow, you hear?

This is gonna be
a real battle of wills.

I'm betting on the mule.

I ain't so sure.

If there's anything mulier
than a mule, it's Granny.

Granny?

Granny? Elly May,
you busted the spell.

Another minute, and I'd
have had that fella buffaloed.

What's the trouble, Elly?

Mr. Drysdale said if we go

to plowing up that front yard,

the whole neighborhood
will come storming over.

Well, that's dandy.

We got enough
work for all of 'em.

Well, I think you'd better
have a talk to him, Granny.

He sure is stirred up.

All right.

But you get that
mule on his feet.

Nelson balking again, is he?

Yeah, that's a fact.

Hey, Elly, what'd you
say to that there mule?

You wouldn't understand, Jethro.

It's mule talk.

I bet you Granny'd
understand it.

Hold on there,
what are you doing?

Granny, you can't
grow things like turnips

and onions here in
front of the house!

That's turnip and onion
soil if I ever tasted it.

But you can't grow anything.

There's a zoning ordinance here.

Now you tell me.

I already swallowed it.

Bless you.

Thank you.

Granny, you don't
under... Bless you again.

You'd better get some
shoes on your feet.

Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Elly got the mule up, Granny,

and Uncle Jed will be here

with the plow directly.

Bless you. Bless you.

I-I've got to get home
and get some clothes on,

or I'll catch pneumonia.

Promise me you won't
do anything until I get back!

I've waited as long
as I'm gonna wait.

Jethro, you take
him in the house

and put some shoes on
him and some dry clothes.

Okay, Granny.

Come on, Mr. Drysdale.

No, no!

Hey, you'd better never say no

to Granny unless your
hide wants tanning.

Drysdale or no Drysdale,

I say let's commence plowing.

Well, you promised him

he could dig the
first furrow, Granny.

I reckon that is a
thrill for a city fella.

We can wait a mite longer.

Yonder comes some more help.

What in the name
of Secretary Freeman

are you doing?

We're fixin' to plow and plant.

What does it look
like we're doing?

That's what it looks
like you're doing.

Oh, thank goodness
I got here in time.

You city folks are willing,

but you sure don't know how

to dress for plowing.

Does Mr. Drysdale
know about this?

Oh, yeah, we's waiting for him

to plow the first furrow.

And we ain't gonna
wait much longer!

Granny, yonder he comes.

Don't start yet! Don't start!

Don't start yet! Don't start!

It is Mr. Drysdale!

I reckon he ain't
done much plowing,

or he wouldn't be
so all-fired anxious.

Miss Hathaway,
am I glad to see you!

Chief, you can't plow
up this front lawn!

There's a zoning ordinance here!

We figure a little fertilizer

will take care of that.

Have you taken leave
of your... Oh, shut up!

I have no intention of
plowing up this lawn,

nor of allowing the
Clampetts to do it!

What did you say?

Now, Granny, Mr. Clampett,

let-let's all go
into the kitchen,

sit down, have a
nice cup of coffee

and talk things over, eh?

That's a city farmer for you.

He ain't turned
one spoonful of dirt,

and already he's tired!

Mr. Clampett, as your
friend and neighbor,

I-I-I beg you, I implore you,

let me explain the whole thing.

Well, while you two are jawing,

I'll be plowing.

Elly May, pull up them markers.

I'm gonna start to work.

Giddyap, mule!

Ha!

Let's go!

Here he goes again!

Elly May,

get that Beverly Hills
jackass on his feet!

Should I, Pa?

Well, Mr. Drysdale
seems right in earnest.

I reckon a little confab
first won't hurt nothing.

Granny, may I give
you a lift to the door?

Ah! Take them.

They's the lazy ones.

Well, Mr. Drysdale, we
done scouted the whole estate

and that piece
of land out front...

That piece of land
out front there...

Jethro, that's
the third breakfast

you've had this morning.

Well, Uncle Jed, plowing
gives a fella an appetite.

But you ain't plowed none yet.

Oh, I know.

But we've been talking about
it since 4:00 this morning.

And it's got me starving.

Well, take it into the pantry.

You're making more noise

than a heifer going
through a dry thicket.

Gee whiz, just 'cause
a fella gets hungry

talking about plowing,
you got to throw him

out of the kitchen.

Why don't you ever
talk about Elly May?

She eats just as much as I do.

But you got to pick on me.

No. I try my best.

Well, now, as I was saying,
that piece of ground out front

is the best on the whole
place for gardening.

It's nice and level, it's got
no stumps or brush to clear.

It's handy to the house,
and it's handy to the street,

so's Granny can
set up a little stand

and sell some of
the stuff she growed.

Oh, no.

Well, I reckon
Mr. Drysdale got up

a mite too early
for a city fella.

Elly May, give him
some more coffee.

Mr. Clampett, your neighbors

in this lovely and
exclusive section

would never accept such action.

They would originate petitions,

they would bring
legal proceedings,

they would take
every means to protest,

vigorously and vociferously.

You mean it'd get 'em riled.

Exactly.

Well, now, we sure
don't want to do nothing

to rile the neighbors.

But Granny's powerful
set on plowing and planting

that piece of land out front.

Mr. Clampett, I will
explain to Granny

that in addition to the
aesthetic depreciation

and the local hostility
that would obtain,

the net results in
volume of produce

weighted against value per acre

would make the entire
venture economically unfeasible.

Well, if you're gonna
explain it to her that way,

I might just as
well start plowing.

You gonna tell Elly
to get that mule up,

or am I gonna have to start
turning that ground by hand?

Granny, just bank
your fire for a minute.

Ain't you done jawing yet?

No, not quite.

What time is it?

Almost straight up for 9:00 a.m.

Hear that, Jed?

We've done wasted the whole day!

Elly May, pour your
Granny a cup of coffee.

You want to do
your Granny a favor?

You get that four-legged friend
of yours to pulling the plow.

Like he was paid his
bucket of oats to do.

Granny, I doesn't without
Pa tells me it's all right to do.

Are you gonna tell her?

Not right this minute.

Now, set down.

Setting is for hens,
not for farmers.

Now, I'm going out there
and look that mule in the eye

till he does my will.

And I'm gonna warn
you, Jed Clampett,

you're gonna own a mule
with a powerful headache

and a broke spirit.

Now, mule, you gonna
get up and pull that plow?!

I say you are.

All right.

I'm gonna put the
mule hex on you.

Oh.

Think it's funny, do you?

All right, Mr. Mule,
look me in the eye.

I hope your field
trip idea works.

That little woman out there

is harder to convince
than a bank examiner.

Don't worry, Chief.

I shall carry the
message to Garcia...

Or in this case, to Granny.

Well, I'll change clothes
and get down to the bank.

Lots of luck.

Now, then, shall we put
Granny in the front seat with me?

Well, I kind of favor the
backseat, twixt Jethro and me.

I figure maybe we
got the best chance

of holding her in the car.

Yeah, 'cause Granny ain't
gonna take this setting still.

That's a fact.

Well, I got her hat
and her reticule.

Granny won't go no place
without she totes her reticule.

Uh, how far is it to the
place we's going, Miss Jane?

Oh, it's about an
hour's drive from here.

That's gonna take
considerable holding.

Sure is, 'cause right out there

is two of the stubbornest
critters that ever faced off.

You're getting a headache.

You're getting a headache.

You'd better, 'cause I sure am.

Come on, Granny,
we's all going for a ride.

Well, if that don't take
the roof off of the barn!

Loafing isn't bad
enough, now it's joyriding

on plowing day!

It ain't exactly
joyriding, Granny.

We got something to show you.

Indeed we have, Granny.

This will be a ride
you'll never forget.

That's for sure.

'Cause there ain't gonna
be no ride to remember.

It'd pleasure us

considerable if
you'd come, Granny.

Miss Jane's gonna show us all

about gardening
and crop raising.

Aah! That'll be the day.

When a city woman can show me.

Jethro, I reckon in order
to save time and palaver,

you'd best fetch Granny along.

Granny, you know I got to
do whatever Uncle Jed says.

Jethro, you put
your Granny down!

Come on, Granny!

Put me down!

I'm not going on this ride!

You have yourself a
good time till we get home.

There's lots of food and water.

And you can go for a swim in
the cement pond, if you want to.

Sit down, Granny!

I'm not going on this ride!

Quiet down!

Granny. Granny.

Help! Help!

I'm being kidnapped
by my own kinfolk!

Help a poor old lady!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

Now, Granny, quiet down!

Not me! I'm going! I'm going!

Help...!

Quiet down!

Look out yonder, Granny.

Ain't that something?

Now do you see why we
brought you here? Sure I do!

You want to drown me
in one of them ditches!

Help! I'm being taken for
a ride by a bunch of killers!

Help...!

Granny, be sensible.

Why would we want
to get rid of you?

To get out of plowing
and planting, that's why!

I'm the only one
that hasn't been

spoiled rotten by city living!

And you don't want me
nagging your conscience!

Help! Granny, Granny!

This was my idea, to show you

how unnecessary it
is to plow and plant.

Look out there.

These people make
farming their life's work.

By their efficiency and modern
methods, they raise better crops

and more of them than
you and I could ever hope to.

Speak for yourself, city woman!

Now, there ain't nobody so wise

that they can't learn
something new.

Well, don't expect
me to learn 'em.

Look at 'em.

Planting corn at the
dark of the moon time.

I'd like to see their faces
when nothing comes up.

Granny, the modern
farmer is so efficient

that each one feeds 28 people.

Now, you hear that, Granny?

You don't want to put men
out of work with families that big.

How come we's
stopping here, Miss Jane?

We's only a half
a mile from home.

We got plowing to do.

Granny, ain't you convinced yet?

Precisely why I stopped
here, Mr. Clampett.

I have something
else to show Granny.

And I think you'll
find it very rewarding.

What's that mean?

Think it means you're
gonna get a reward.

In that case, get out of my way.

Now, Granny, while
the others are exploring

the rest of the market,
I want to show you

how unnecessary it
is to plant a garden.

Look.

Could you grow a
watermelon like that?

That's a watermelon? Yes.

Back home, that'd be a cucumber.

You can't be serious.

But I must admit,

that's the biggest
cocklebur I ever did see.

Granny...

I'd sure hate to comb a mess
of them out of a mule's tail.

Granny, this is a pineapple,
all the way from Hawaii.

In fact, there are fruits
and vegetables here

from all over the world.

Come on.

Ah.

You know what this is?

It looks like a
hairy hickory nut.

Ooh! Ooh!

It's looking back at me.

This is a coconut, from
the Philippine Islands.

And over here are bananas
from Central America.

And here are nuts
from South America.

Well, that's one
thing they don't

have to bring to
Californy: nuts.

Granny, you just won't
take me seriously, will you?

Well, everything's
so mixed up out here.

It's got me discombobulated.

Now, everybody knows that
you plant turnips on July the 25th.

But out here, you
can't tell the difference

twixt July and October.

Well, why bother
to plant them all

when the best in the world
are here at your fingertips?

Hmm.

Look at these turnips.

Well, now you got me beat.

I once growed a double turnip.

But I never pulled
four out of one hole.

Well, Granny, how'd
you like the trip?

I liked it fine.

Wasn't that supermarket
an eye opener?

Best vittles store
I ever did see.

Wonderful.

Now let's get busy
and start plowing.

But, Granny, I thought
you done give up

the idea of growing
your own vittles.

I did.

Till I went through
that thing they call

the checkout stand where
you pay for what you got.

Well, I went
through one of them.

I thought it was pretty fair.

Well, by dingies, when I
can't buy a sack of vittles

for $5,000, then I'm gonna
start growing my own.

$5,000?

Cold cash.

My life savings.

I handed that girl $5,000,
and she handed it back to me.

Said it wouldn't buy nothing.

Well, no wonder, Granny.

It's Confederate.

So am I.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back ♪

♪ Next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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