The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 23 - The Critter Doctor - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Wipe it, Skipper.

How come you fellas
is doin' the dishes?

Where are the womenfolks?

Well, some of Elly's
critters got into the kitchen

and Granny took
off a-chasin' 'em.

I don' know where Elly is.

Young fella, I
don't hardly think

Granny wants you
handlin' her dishes.

I'd best take over for you.

Thank you, Uncle Jed.

I gotta be getti"
to school anyhow.

This is the young
fella I had in mind.

Whatcha want to do his work for?

He don't have to go to school.

All right, boy, run along.

Oh, say, speaki" of school...

Any boys over there
that might be interested

in come a-calli" on Elly May?

Well, let me think.

Uh... yeah!

Hey, there's one fella
that'd like Elly just fine!

A nice young fella, huh?

Oh, dandy!

Smartest fella in school!

Passable good-lookin'?

Well, yes, sir.

Crazy about dogs and
cats, just like Elly May.

Well, doggies, that
sounds real nice.

How about bringin' him home

for supper tonight
right after school?

Well, I can't bring
him right from school...

He's gotta go to Cub
Scout meetin' first.

Cub Scout meetin'?

How old is he?

Oh, eight or nine.

Forget it.

Well, he can come
over later, on his bicycle.

Forget it.

Gee, Uncle Jed... Forget it!

Doggone, Uncle Jed!

I got things and-and-and
long division,

and short division, and
you never give me any...

Some day

I gotta have a long
talk with that boy.

Looky here...

I brought little Arnie
to keep you company

while you're sick in bed.

(whining)

Called my friend
the critter doctor

over to the zoo.

As soon as it closes,
he's gonna come by

and see what's ailin' you.

Now little Arnie,
Duke might not feel

like gettin' his face
washed right now.

(knocking on door)

GRANNY: Elly May, you in there?

Quick, Arnie, hide under
the cover with Duke.

Granny don't allow
dogs in the bed.

You seen anything of ol' Duke?

He ain't showed
up for his vittles.

Well, Granny,
Duke's kinda ailin'.

I reckon that's why he
didn't show up for his vittles.

But he's gonna be all right.

What's that movi"
around in your bed?

(barking)

Mind your tongue, little dog!

Now, don't get riled, Granny.

Duke's been feelin'
poorly and I didn't want him

crawlin' under the
house like he usually does

where the critter doctor
couldn't get to him.

Well, that's mighty kind of you.

Crawlin' under the house ain't
so easy anymore at my age.

But I didn't mean you, Granny.

I meant the real critter doctor.

What did you say?!

I said I called the
real critter doctor,

the one over to the zoo

that's been to college and all.

Are you tellin' me

that I ain't fit to
doctor a dog?!

No, ma'am, Granny...

I've doctored this
family... Man and beast...

For 50 years!

I've tonic'd everything

from cats to cousins
and never a complaint!

What's all the hollering
about, Granny?

Jed, you gonna
paddle this young'un

or should I do it?

Oh, what's she done
that wants paddlin'?

GRANNY: Ol' Duke
is ailin'. (whining)

You think she called
me to doctor him?

No, I ain't good enough!

Now, Granny, I don't think
Duke is ailin' that much.

Well, she called
that smart-alecky

college boy critter
doctor to come over here!

College boy, huh?

Now, Granny, Dr. Martin
ain't no smart-alecky college...

Don't back-talk me, girl!

Well, if you're
gonna get so riled,

I'll just call the doctor
and tell him not to come.

Now, hold on, Elly.

Maybe it's a good
idea for you to call

that critter doctor and
tell him to come on over.

What did you say!?

Now don't fly off the handle.

Come on outside,
I'll explain it to you.

You don't have to
explain nothin' to me, Jed.

The handwritin'
is wrote on the wall

big and plain...
"Granny, go home.

"Granny, we don't
need you no more.

"Granny, you is
good for nothin'.

Get out from underfoot."

Now, Granny... "Now," he says.

"Don't wait," he says.

"We's through
with you", he says!

All right, Jed. (sniffling)

Just send my poor ol'
weary bones back home

to rest in peace in the hills.

Now you get outta
that cedar chest.

You're right, Jed...

ol' Granny just ain't worth

wastin' a good cedar chest on.

Just stuff me in a box
and send me home.

Now you hush that kind of talk

and come on downstairs.

Jed, I ain't even worth a box.

Just tie me in some
old newspapers

with a good stout string.

You want me to carry
you down them stairs?

I ain't worth the trouble, Jed.

I'll just throw myself
out the window.

You can gather me
up in an old gunnysack.

And if that's too much trouble,

you can stick me in an
envelope and mail me home.

We can talk downstairs, Granny.

I guess I ain't even
worth the stamps!

How about sendin'
me parcel post?

It ain't Duke I want the
critter doctor to come see.

It's Elly May. Is she ailin'?

'Course not, but he
might be just the beau

we been lookin'
for for that girl.

You think so?

If I'd know'd he
was a college boy,

I'd had him over before this.

She's always talki"
about how nice he is,

and good with critters.

But suppose he's
married already?

We'll find out.

Elly May!

If he ain't, we'll ask
him to stay for supper.

Yeah!

Yeah, Pa?

Granny had a good idea.

Why don't you call
that critter doctor

and ask him to bring his
wife and stay to supper.

Well, thank you, anyway,
Granny, but he ain't got no wife.

Oh, now, that's too bad.

Well, ask him to stay
to supper anyway.

Okay, Pa.

And put on a nice pretty dress.

Well, what fer?

Cat fur to make kitten britches.

Do as I tell you!

(Duke barking)

Well, look!

Ol' Duke's well!

Now we don't have to
bother Dr. Martin at all.

Duke, you're spoili"
Elly's romance.

Now get back up
to bed and act sick.

That ol' Duke had a relapse.

Hi, Doctor.

I seen you comin' from
my window up yonder.

Elly May, is this your home?

Yes, sir.

The way you dress
when you come to the zoo,

and the way you love animals...

I always thought
you lived on a ranch.

No, sir, this is all we got.

Elly May... those
animals I gave you...

The raccoon, the
skunk, the possum,

you mean to tell me
you keep them here?

Yes, sir, but
they don't mind it.

Please don't take 'em back.

Oh, I won't, I won't.

It's just that, uh...
Well, where's Duke?

Oh, he's in the bedroom
right at the top of the stairs.

Follow me.

A hound dog with
his own bedroom.

Wow.

The doctor's here now.

You ain't gonna be sick no more.

Right in here, Doctor.

Huh.

I hope my animals at the zoo

never find out how yours live.

Looks like I'm too late.

Duke's just shy.

He ain't used to doctors.

I'll get you a chair.

Duke, if you're a hound
dog, you got real problems.

Oh, baby, you're what I need.

Let's see, on a ten
percent commission,

if I sell $30,000
worth of bug spray,

you're mine.

Whatcha looki" at, Granny?

The critter doctor's out there.

Dandy lookin' young fella.

I sure hope he ain't
totin' more varmints.

Let's call Elly.

Get a move on, Elly!

I'll fetch him in

and see if his
intentions is honorable.

Now, uh, wait a minute, Granny.

He don't even know
he's here to court Elly yet.

You'll scare him away
before they said "howdy."

The critter doctor's here.

Yes, Elly, we know that.

Granny and me'll
wait in the kitchen.

(knocking on door) You call
us out to meet him after a spell.

Now, Elly, that's a mite nice

lookin' young fella at the door.

You be nice to him.

How do you do? If I
may have a few moments

of your time?

How do you do?

If I may have a few
hours of your time?

What for?

Oh, I have this wonderful
line I'd like to sell you.

Is that what you're toti"

in your suitcase? No.

That's another line
I'd like to sell you.

(owl hooting) Jed,
we hadn't oughta...

(goat bleating)

(chittering)

Jed!

Them pesky varmints have learned

to open the back door!

Simmer down, Granny,
I'll help you round 'em up.

Jed, I been thinkin'.

We hadn't oughta let

that critter doctor
court Elly May.

Why not? 'Cause he's the one

that give her all these!

If he comes a-courti"
on her regular,

we'll end up with more
varmints than the zoo.

Now, look on the
bright side, Granny,

she's got everything.

Ain't no new ones
he can give her.

There you are, the most
complete line of insecticides

and pest control
products money can buy.

Uh, fly spray,
mosquito ointment,

moth cakes, roach pellets.

You name it, I've got it.

Uh, how about going in
there where I can sit down?

Oh, fine and dandy.

There's a nice
soft sofa to sit on.

I like you, you
know, I like you a lot.

By the way, my
name's Jim Gardner.

Mine's Elly May Clampett.

You know, if I make
enough sales today...

And something tells me I will...

I might just ask
you out to dinner.

Yes, sirree, I... Hey.

Hey, beautiful.

Where are you? Hey, come on in.

Hey, gorgeous.

Stop your yelling, I'm coming.

Are you the housekeeper here?

Well, I try to be,

but it ain't easy with all
them varmints underfoot.

Varmints?

Yeah, them
pesky little critters.

You know the ones I mean.

Why, out in my
kitchen right now,

they were crawling
all over my sink.

Madam, you are just the
person I want to talk to.

Now, then, let's
start with roaches.

What?

Do you know how to take
care of those "little critters"?

No, and I don't want to learn.

I got enough to
take care of now.

Look, let me show you
the easy, pleasant way

to take care of them.

No muss, no fuss, no bother.

Just place one of these
roach pellets in a dark corner

where they can
get at it, and presto.

I ain't got none now

and that's the
way it's going to be.

All right, all right.

How about ants?

Do you have any ants?

Not in the house, I ain't.

You'd be surprised how many

beautiful Beverly Hills
mansions have ants.

I don't care what these
squirrelly Beverly Hills folks

have in their house.

Me and ants don't get along.

Then what you want is ant syrup.

Ant syrup?!

Sure, they love it.

They'll come from
everywhere to get it.

Do you know what
kind of a doctor you are?

You're a dad-blamed bug
doctor, that's what you are.

Exactly.

You show me a bug, and
I'll show you what to do for it.

Duke's fine.

Just give him a little
outdoor exercise.

Now, don't you forget,

Granny and Pa's
expecting you for supper.

I'll be back, I promise.

I'm very anxious to
meet both of them.

Oh, this here's
my cousin Jethro.

Jethro, shake hands
with the critter doctor.

Howdy. Ow!

Say, is this your car?

Yes, it is.

Oh, boy.

Hey, you think I could
drive it sometime?

Sure. Well, as a matter of fact,

I'm just going down to
the zoo and come back.

You can drive it right now.

Hot dog!

(coughs) There.

Now, isn't that a
pleasant, fragrant odor?

Why, it's a regular
perfume. (sniffing)

Not bad.

What's it for? Flies.

Flies?! Flies and mosquitoes.

I swat them pesky things!

Aha, use this on them and
you'll never swat another one.

Close up your bag of bug vittles

and get out of my house.

Wait... let me show you
what I have for spiders.

Out before I throw you out!

Quiet down, Granny.

I thought you was going
to wait till Elly called you.

He called me, this
dad-blamed bug doctor.

Thought I told you to
get out of the house!

JED: Now, hold on, Doctor.

You just happened to catch
Granny in a cantankerous mood.

I'll quiet her down.

Uh, why don't you sit down,
make yourself to home?

We'll have supper in a bit.

He ain't staying for supper.

Yes, he is. No, he ain't!

Yes, he is. I ain't feeding him.

If he's hungry, let him
eat his fancy bug vittles.

Honey, if you
weren't such a doll,

I'd clear out of
this... bughouse.

Now, Granny, you listen to me.

Now, you listen to me.

It's bad enough that I have to
be sewing clothes for a monkey

or washing bed linen
after a hound dog,

but I'll be swished
if I'm going around

spraying perfume on
flies and mosquitoes

and giving parties for moths.

Well, nobody wants you to.

He does, that crazy bug doctor.

Tried to sell me
some moth cakes.

Moth cakes?

If that ain't enough, he wants
me to give a bath to fleas.

Now, Granny... It's true.

He tried to sell me
flea soap, flea shampoo,

and flea dusting powder.

(door opens)

Look at how frisky
old Duke is now.

The doctor sure fixed him up.

See, Granny, he's
a critter doctor.

He's a bug doctor.

Don't you have nothing
more to do with him, Elly.

But I like him, and he's
going to be here for supper.

I ain't cooking for him.

Well, why not?

Granny's just having
one of her spiteful spells.

Now, you get on
out to the kitchen,

and I'll talk to you directly.

No, not that way.

I don't want you tying
into that young feller again.

Go around the back way.

Beverly Hills bug doctor.

First thing you know,

he'll be having Elly leading
a boll weevil on a leash.

(angry muttering)

Come on, Elly.

Oh, uh, let's leave
Duke here with Skipper.

Okay.

Come on, Skipper.

Duke's feeling better now.

You two can play cowboys again.

Well, I'll be doggone.

They do play cowboy.

Well, young fella...

I reckon my daughter here'll be
a heap more pleasant company

for you than Granny was.

(chuckling): I think so.

Hey, what's all that?

Well, these are the insects

that love to eat
beautiful flowers,

and with this one easy-to-
use, pleasant-smelling spray,

you can take
care of all of them.

Here you are, sir,
with my compliments.

Well... thank you.

Well, I'll leave you
two young folks alone.

(sniffs)

Sure is perfume.

Could be Granny is right.

It's, uh, coming
on for suppertime.

Don't you want to get
started fixing vittles?

Who for?

For everybody.

Who's everybody?

Well, uh... you,
Jethro, Elly, me.

Who else?

Well, you know, uh, the company.

And who might that be?

That nice-looking young
fella Elly May's got in there.

You know who I mean.

No, tell me.

The critter doctor.

He's a bug doctor!

All right, have it your way.

But bug doctors got
to eat, too, you know.

Not my cooking, they don't.

You don't have to do no cooking.

I'll just fetch some cold
hog jowls out of the icebox

and we can open up
a jar of pickled turnips.

No, you don't.

Once he gets a
taste of my vittles,

we'll never get shed of him.

Well, then he can have
a taste of my vittles.

I reckon I can still cook
up a passable pot of grits.

Over my burning body.

Now, Granny, you're just
being a little unreasonable.

No, I ain't.

I don't want Elly
May marrying up

with that Beverly Hills bug nut.

Instead of grandchildren,

you're liable to wind
up burping a beetle.

It's a brand-new
dance... You'll love it.

It's called the Hooterville Hop.

Okay, now, watch.

One, two, three,
four, five, six.

Hop, hop.

(laughs) You see?

Okay, now, try it with me.

Ready?

One, two, three,
four, five, six.

Hop, hop. (laughs)

Now, turn around
and... and we'll dance.

Well, ain't we going to dance?

Hmm?

Oh, later. (chuckles softly)

Later.

Hey, mister, if you want
to rassle with Elly May,

you ought to get a better
hold on her than that.

You want to rassle?

Huh?

(stammering)

Later.

Hey, Elly May, the critter
doctor is out in the hall,

and he brung you a
present from the zoo, too.

Oh!

Uh... you her brother?

Shucks, no.

Oh, her boyfriend, huh?

Well... I'm a boy
and we's friends,

but mostly we's cousins.

(sighs)

Oh, that's great.

My name is Jim
Gar... (screaming)

How do you spell that?

I hope your granny won't mind.

He's still a little wild.

Oh, I can tame him.

I'm sure you can, but
what about Granny?

Well, ain't nobody can tame her.

No, I mean do you
think she'll mind

having another "critter" around?

(gasping): Well, let's
go ask her... extra nice.

I'll be as charming
as my years will allow.

Oh, Elly May, let's
put him back in here.

In you go.

In you go.

Now, Granny, we
have invited that critter...

Bug! Bug doctor to supper,

and it ain't very nice
to send him awa...

Pa, Granny, the doctor's done
given me a brand-new critter.

Aah, what is it?!

Well, look.

Oh... it's a giant,
hairy caterpillar

with green eyes and big teeth.

Looks like a bobcat
young'un to me.

It is. Ain't he cute?

Who are you?

I'm Dr. Martin.

Oh, yes, ma'am, this
here is the critter doctor.

This is my granny
and this is my pa.

You're the critter doctor?

That's right.

Well, who's that bug-happy
goomer in the parlor?

Goomer?

Well, that's the young
fella you said to be nice to.

I'd best have a word with him.

Elly May, get that
varmint out of my kitchen.

Yes, ma'am, Granny.

Did I understand Elly
May to call you Granny?

What about it?

Well, it's such an odd
name to call one's sister.

Sister?

You're certainly too
young to be her mother.

But you must be related

'cause you have all of Elly
May's wonderful features...

Her beauty of face and
figure, her irresistible charm,

her sweetness
and... her loveliness.

Well, I don't know whether
it's your talk or this stove,

but I'm commencing
to warm up to you.

What'd you say his
name was again, Jethro?

It's Jim Garrr...

Oh, mighty pleased to
meet you. Same here.

Actually, my name
is Jim Gar... (yelping)

How you spell that?

I just won't take
no for an answer.

You're staying to supper.

How can I refuse such
a gracious invitation

from such a lovely lady?

(giggles quietly)

You're kind of
slighting this one, Doc.

A home-cooked meal
will be a real treat for me.

I usually eat in a restaurant.

Well, you're in
for a feast tonight.

We'll start off with
some crawdad tails,

deep-fried in possum
fat, crispy and crunchy,

and then some owl soup.

Owl soup?

Barn owl.

And then my special
dish... Stuffed gopher.

You mean, uh, gopher?

That's only the beginning.

Granny, that little bobcat's
just getting along dandy

with all my other critters.

Can he stay?

Well, I... I reckon so.

Elly May, that young
feller wants to know:

can he take you out for supper?

That's a wonderful idea.

Hold on, Doc, you're my date.

Have a good time,

but don't stay out too late.

And behave yourselves.

Don't park and neck.

We won't.

Speak for yourself.

Uncle Jed, I'm
gonna have me a car

just like that.

How are you
fixin' to pay for it?

Easy. You know
that fella Jim Garrr...?

He told me how.

He said all I got to do
is sell $30,000 worth

of these bug vittles.

Good luck, boy.

Best get to it.

Yes, sir.

See ya later.

Thing like that could
only happen in America.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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