The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 22 - The Clampetts Go Fishing - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

♪ ♪

(grunts)

This ought to get the
Clampetts interested

in deep-sea fishing,
don't you agree?

Chief, it is a masterstroke
of psychological strategy.

Thanks, grab the tail.

It cleverly takes cognizance

of their innate love
of the sport of hunting,

which has been
drastically curtailed

by Elly May's love of the
very creatures they hunt.

Yeah, grab the tail.

It will provide these
active, rugged mountaineers

with all the thrills
and excitement

of the chase they
so thoroughly enjoy.

Yeah, grab the tail.

And, should they
become devotees,

it will prevent their
leaving Beverly Hills

and returning to their home,

for, by its very nature, big
game fishing is impossible

in their landlocked
mountainous terrain.

I repeat, Chief,

it is a masterstroke of
psychological strategy.

All this because I said
three lousy words...

"don't you agree?"

Well, I'm going
to say three more.

Grab the tail!

Granny, me and ol' Duke
here is plumb tuckered out.

We walked clean
over to the golf pasture

lookin' for some game.

What'd you get?

We got mean-mouthed
and stick-chased out of there.

You mean you come
home with nothin',

empty-handed again?

Well, we did manage to
find a few of them golf eggs.

Throw 'em out, Jed.

They just can't be cooked.

I've boiled 'em and
poached 'em and fried 'em.

And they still come out
gummy as an old boot.

Doggone it, I wanted
some fresh game meat.

Well, looks like we's caught
betwixt and between, Granny.

Folks don't want
me shooting a gun,

and when I snare the game,
Elly makes a pet out of it!

JETHRO: Uncle Jed! Granny!

Come see what Mr. Drysdale
and Miss Jane brung us...

A great big old
fish about this long!

Fish that size must
be a channel cat.

Yeah. Some catfish rolled
in corn meal, deep fried...

Ought to taste pretty good
right now, huh, Granny?

It sure would!

Come on! Let's go!

Remember, not a word to my wife

about giving this
trophy to the Clampetts.

Right, Chief.

That fishing trip to
the Gulf of Mexico

cost us about $4,000,

and this is all we
have to show for it.

I understand.

Plus which it took
her six hours to land it.

Well, doggies,
that is a big fish.

Ain't no catfish.

Looks like a carp.

No, no. This is a tarpon.

That's a saltwater fish.

Oh, you cook them
in saltwater, do ya?

No, no. It lives in saltwater.

The tarpon is a noted
deep-sea game fish.

And I want you to have
it for your game room.

Our what room?

Game room. That's the one

with the trophies on the wall.

The billiard room.

Oh, you mean the
fancy eating room.

Yes, as you so quaintly call it.

What do I have to do to him?

Nothing. It's been prepared
by an expert taxidermist.

Feels nice and crisp.

I'd sure like to see the
skillet he was fried in!

Me, too. Appears like
the grease got too hot,

and he curled up a mite.

Oh, no, no. He's not fried.

Baked? No, no, no.

Don't smell like
he's been smoked.

Tarpon are rarely cooked at all.

Once caught, they're usually
preserved, like this one.

Oh! Preserved!

Like pickled?

Well, yes, in a way.

It's quite a process.

They're cleaned, scraped,
treated with chemicals.

Even the bones are removed.

Then a form is
made, and the skin...

Miss Hathaway. Sorry, Chief.

Mr. Clampett, I'm sure you'd
enjoy catching a fish like this.

I would, for a fact.

Now, there's a critter even
Elly wouldn't make a pet out of!

DRYSDALE: Then it's all settled.

Now, I'm going out and get you

the finest deep-sea fishing
equipment that money can buy.

Oh, no need to do
that, Mr. Drysdale.

I can cut myself a pole, and
make a hook out of a bent nail.

No. Catching big game
fish like tarpon and marlin

requires very special equipment.

It does, indeed, Mr. Clampett.

The black marlin, for example,

which is a native of
our own Pacific waters,

sometimes reaches
the incredible length of...

Jethro, fetch this
thing out to the kitchen.

I gotta figure out
how to cook him.

But, Granny, Miss Jane said

you didn't have to
do nothing more to it.

She said... I heard
what she said.

But I say that this fish ain't
got a fresh-caught look to it!

Nobody's chomping on
him till I've cooked him.

Yes, ma'am, Granny.

(crackling)

She's right. It could
use some tendering up.

That's it, Skipper!

Not too fast now.

Little Arnie will
fall off the wagon.

Quick as Arnie goes
around one more time,

it'll be your turn, Elmer.

(Arnie barking)

Skipper, I told
you not to speed!

Arnie will think you you
done that on purpose.

Now, you show him you're
sorry, and how much you like him.

That's nice.

See, Arnie? Skipper
didn't mean it.

Elly May?

Oh, howdy, Pa. What you got?

That's a present
from Mr. Drysdale.

That's what you call
a fishing machine.

For catching them
big saltwater fish.

Oh, I don't think Granny's
going to want no more of them.

She's up yonder now rasslin'
with that one Mr. Drysdale give us.

When you going to
commence to tendering up,

you walleyed,
oceangoing varmint!

You cooking that fish?

I ain't giving him a bath!

Jane said he had
already been prepared

by experts, something
or other. Uh...

Taxi driver!

That sounds like it. Yeah.

He better stick
to driving taxis.

He don't know shucks about fish!

I been boiling this
rascal for two hours,

and he's still tough
as harness leather!

You know what it
could be, Granny?

What?

Swimming around in the
saltwater all them years

is what toughened him up.

You know what brine
will do to any kind of hide.

I know what it's
done to his hide.

Why, I dulled three
knives trying to cut him up.

Finally had Jethro
fetch him out here

and throw him into
my big kettle whole.

And cooking him two hours
ain't softened him none?

Not one smidgen!

And I've had both
ends in the water!

Granny, we's hungry.

Ain't that fish ready yet?

That fish ain't never
gonna be ready!

Let's go catch one of our own.

Yeah. With this
fish-winding machine.

It's gonna be a
freshwater fish if I cook it!

I'd as leave try to stew
an alligator as that thing!

Come on, Jethro,
let's dig some worms.

Now, hold on.

I reckon it would hurt
Mr. Drysdale's feelings considerable

if he was to find out
we didn't eat his fish.

But, Uncle Jed, I pretty near

broke a tooth on that thing!

And if Jethro can't bite
through it, nobody can.

How about Rusty, my cat?

He's had his eye on it

ever since Jethro
fetched it out here.

Yeah. Let's give it to him.

That's a heap of
fish for one cat!

Don't worry about that, Granny.

Appears like Rusty's has rounded
him up some friends to help.

(all meowing)

All I can say to you is...

(sighs) "Loads of luck."

(meowing)

Didn't you cut poles
for Pa and Granny?

Granny's gonna use
the new store-bought pole

from Mr. Drysdale,

and Uncle Jed's gonna try
out his new fishing machine.

Did you dig a nice
bucket of worms, Elly?

Yes, sir, Pa.
They's on the truck.

What's that thing
you're wearing?

Oh, this here is a
fishing machine harness

for holding this
here fishing machine.

I still say that's a
mighty short pole.

I reckon it's meant for fishing
over the side of the boat, Granny.

Ain't gonna get me on no boat!

Ain't figuring to.

It'll work just as
well off a bridge.

You know any good
fishing bridges, Jethro?

Only bridge I know goes
over the Los Angeles River.

Ain't nothing like
a river for catfish.

Let's get going!

Wasn't much water in it
last time we was there.

Maybe the beavers
had it dammed up.

If they's still there, can
I bring home a beaver?

No more critters!

Quiet down, Granny.

We ain't bringing
home nothing but fish.

Let her roll, Jethro!

Come on, Jethro.
You're wasting time.

Ain't no fish in there.

That is the poorest excuse
of a river I ever did see.

Pitiful. Just pitiful.

Los Angeles is so
ashamed of that river,

they had to put up
cement walls to hide it.

Maybe it'll be better when
the spring thaw sets in.

Come on. Let's go
find us a crick or a pond.

Wait a minute! I got a bite!

By doggies, he has at that!

Elly, fetch my pole, quick!

What for? This ain't
nothing but a boot!

I know it. I'm gonna
fish for the other one.

They're better than
the ones I'm wearing!

You young'uns wait here.

Granny and me is going
in and talk to Mr. Drysdale.

Yeah, I have a few things to say

that you might oughtn't to hear!

Him and his
Beverly Hills fishing!

Simmer down, Granny.

We'll get it straightened out.

Keep a eye on
the poles and stuff.

Money is no object, Captain.

Mr. Drysdale is bringing
the Clampett family,

and he wants to charter the
finest fishing boat in your fleet.

Oh. 8:00, pier two,
The Sea Witch.

Right. I mean, aye, aye.

Guess what, Chief. What?

You're taking The
Sea Witch tomorrow.

I am not!

You know she doesn't get
along with the Clampetts.

The Sea Witch is the
boat you've chartered.

Oh. Don't scare me like that.

(whistling)

By doggies, we
come here to complain

about having no place to fish.

You ought to see where poor
Mr. Drysdale is trying his luck.

JANE: Granny! Mr. Clampett!

Come in. Come in.

Mr. Drysdale, you catching
anything out of there?

Why, I wasn't really
trying to catch anything.

We was trying!

What did you get?

One old boot, and
it don't fit too good!

I thought the hunting
around here was poor,

but the fishing' is
really miserable.

We found a pond with some
fish in it up the street yonder.

The one with the spring,

and the bubbles
coming out in the middle.

Oh, that's the
municipal fountain!

And those are goldfish!

I hope you didn't try
to catch any of those.

Oh, yeah, we
caught a lot of them,

but we threw them all back.

The biggest one was
no better than that.

Mr. Clampett, Granny,

tomorrow, you will have the
fishing experience of your lives.

I have chartered a boat.

I ain't setting foot on no boat.

Granny, you'll
be perfectly safe.

It's quite large, and there's
an expert crew aboard.

I ain't getting on no boat!

But you'll love it, Granny!

Wait till you
experience the thrill

of hooking a giant barracuda!

I ain't going.

A fighting sea bass!

I ain't going.

Bonita, albacore.

I ain't going!

Yellowtail.

You can call me
coward all you want!

I ain't going!

Please, Mr. Clampett,
bring her back.

I want to explain.

I'll bring her back,

but you're gonna have a
job getting her on a boat.

Granny's right fond of fishing,

but she likes to do
her rocking on dry land.

Doggone it!

Deep-sea game
fishing is made to order

for that scrappy little woman.

One look at a 500-
pound sea bass,

and she'll never fish
in fresh water again!

Chief, I've got an idea.

An inspiration!

It combines all
the elements of...

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Can you tell it to me
in 5,000 words or less?

I can tell you in one
word... Marineland!

Marineland... yes. Yes.

There, with her feet
firmly planted on dry land,

Granny can gaze
through glass windows

into a huge tank and
observe at arm's length

specimens of sea
life by the thousands,

from the largest mammals
to the tiniest crustacean.

Now, Granny, it
won't hurt you none

to listen to Mr. Drysdale.

He ain't gettin' me
out on no water!

But, Granny, I know
how fond you are of fish.

I'm fond of ducks, too,

but I ain't goin' up
in the sky after 'em!

Sit down, sit down.

Well, young'uns, we're
going fishin' after all!

Mr. Drysdale told
us about a fishin' hole

that's got 'em all beat!

He's gonna take us out
there first thing in the mornin'.

It's a jim-dandy!

You can look through
a glass window

and pick out the
kind of fish you like.

Some of 'em as
big as this truck!

(whistling) Ooh-ooh!

Let's go right now! Yeah!

GRANNY: I'm all for that, Jed.

Well, I reckon it would
spare Mr. Drysdale

a heap of trouble.

ELLY MAY: Hey, where is it, Pa?

Down near the ocean,

a place called Marineland.

D'ya reckon the marines
would let us fish there?

Well, he didn't say
nothin' about that.

Well, they hadn't
better try to stop me!

I'm catchin' one of them
whoppers for supper tonight!

Marines is real tough
fighters, Granny,

and they tote guns.

Well, let's stop by
home and get our guns.

Now, hold on, Granny,

we ain't takin' on the whole
United States Marines.

And he called me a yella tail.

I'll help you fight 'em, Granny.

Ain't nobody gonna fight nobody.

We'll ask them
marines nice and polite

can we fish in
their fishin' hole.

What if they say "no"?

We'll jump that crick
when we come to it.

Drive on, Jethro.

Yes, sir, that there
is the Pacific Ocean.

Ooh, doggies!

That is a big rascal.

You can't even
see the other side.

And right out there 3,000
miles is the Hawaiian Islands.

By doggies, you
got good eyes, boy.

I could see if it
weren't so hazy.

Looky, Pa.

Up there's a big sign
that says "Marineland."

Yup. We's pretty near there.

Now, let me do
the talking, Granny.

I don't want you scrapping
with them marines.

All right, Jed.

But they hadn't better
give us no trouble.

I got my heart
set on fish tonight.

JED: Excuse me,
there, young feller.

Are you a marine?

No, sir. Air Force.

But there's a marine.

Oh, Sergeant!

Yes, Lieutenant.

These people seem to
be looking for a marine.

Yes, sir.

What can I do for you?

Well, we heard stories about
all the big fish there is in there,

and we sure would
like to try our luck.

Be my guest.

Well, thank you.

Oh, it's a great
spot. You'll love it.

Big fish, huh?

I'll say.

If you like real big fish, be
sure to catch the whales.

We'll do our best.

JED: Why, they's all
kind of fishing holes here.

JETHRO: I don't see
any "no fishing" signs.

GRANNY: They'd better not be.

ELLY MAY: Sure is nice of the
marines to let us use their fishing holes.

JED: Yeah. Hey, this
looks like a good one.

Pull up here, Jethro.

They must be them whales
that marine told us to catch.

I got to admit, them's big fish.

I don't think we got a pole

big enough to pull
one of them rascals in.

According to the sign
on the fishing hole,

them there is "porpoises."

I want me a whale!

Drive on.

GRANNY: What's these critters?

JETHRO: The sign
says these here are seals.

Well, let's see what
else we can find.

GRANNY: I want me a whale!

ELLY MAY: I like them.

Especially that baby one.

(seals barking)

JED: Come on, Elly.

This here's the biggest one yet.

JED: Yes, indeedy.

Is this where the whales
are supposed to be?

That's what the sign says.

I don't see no fish.

Maybe you got to
drop a line in, get a bite.

Put a hook on my line, Jethro.

Yes'm, Granny.

Elly May, I'm gonna catch me

the biggest whale
they is in there.

Pick me out a
nice, big, fat worm.

Yes'm, Granny.

Granny!

I don't believe I'd bother
with a worm if I was you.

You think a grasshopper'd
make better bait?

Not unless you can find
one the size of a hog.

A grasshopper
don't come that big.

Then you better use a
hog... look out yonder.

Here he comes again.

And we thought them
porpoises was big.

Don't nobody move...
That fish is mine.

What are you gonna
catch him with, Granny?

With Jethro.

You ain't gonna put
me on no hook. No, no.

You go out there on that board

and make a noise
like a grasshopper.

You mean rub my legs together?

I don't care how
you do it, but do it!

Then, when he jumps out
of the water to grab you,

you grab him first.

How?!

Throw your arms around him.

Grab him out of there
and fling him on the bank.

Granny, I reckon you're
getting a little carried away.

Now, I'd be proud as you
to take that big rascal home,

but instead of gaining a
fish, we might be losing a boy.

If the marines can
catch 'em that big,

so can we.

Come on, Jethro.

Elly, we's in for trouble.

That muley little woman

is bound and determined
to have that fish.

Ain't he too big to catch, Pa?

Granny'll have a go
at it, and big as he is,

when she's done with him,
he'll know he's been fished for.

Go on, Jethro. Go on.

All right, but you come with me.

What's the matter, Jethro,
you scared of a fish?!

Well, that one I am.

Ah!

Here's a whole bunch of fish.

Why don't we take these home?

Then we don't have to
bother that big, ugly rascal.

Give him one.

He'll think we're friendly.

Catch him off-guard.

Go on, Jethro, go on.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean you're ugly.

That's right, Jethro,
tempt him again!

(laughs)

That's it!

Looking down his throat is like
looking through a cellar door.

All right, Granny,
that's enough.

Come on, Jethro,
get off of here.

You bring the fish, Uncle Jed.

GRANNY: He wants
another fish, Jed.

There's one for you, boy.

Here's one for you, young fella.

I think this whale
wants them all.

It's a baby walrus.

Ain't he cute, Pa?

Can I take him home?

Hadn't better, Elly.

He'd remind Granny
too much of Lafe Crick.

Ain't that right, Granny?

Where'd you go, Granny?

Jethro!

Put me down, you big coward.

I caught her, Uncle Jed.

She was pretty near
back to the whale tank.

I reckon we'd better
head for home.

I'll be back, you over-growed,
big-mouth varmint!

And next time, I'll get ya!

You're mine, do you hear?! Mine!

I can't stand it. Turn
around and go back.

We're going home,
Granny. Now quiet down.

You can't catch a whale, Granny.

He's too much fish for
a little woman like you.

The fish don't live
that's too much for me.

I'll see him in my skillet if
it's the last thing I ever do.

Just getting close
to him is liable to be

the last thing you ever do.

Now, settle down.

I know what I'll do.

I'll roll him in cornmeal.

That's what I'll
do. Deep-fry him!

I'll get that rascal yet.

Where you going, Granny?

None of your business.

Don't set her off.

Poor Granny.

Yeah. The sad part of it is,

when she goes to telling folks
about the one that got away,

ain't nobody gonna believe her.

Hey, Uncle Jed. Look
what I found on the truck.

A baby seal.

That's my baby seal.

You put him down!

Elly May Clampett,
did you carry off

that critter from Marineland?

No, sir, He follered me.

Follered you?

Yeah. You just put him
down, and I'll show you.

(seal barking)

Elly May.

I reckon he follered
you to the truck,

but he didn't get up by himself.

So, sir. I helped him a little.

Well, help him again,
'cause we're taking him back.

Come on, Whiskers.

Hey, Granny! We's
going back to Marineland!

Jethro, don't get her
steamed up again.

There ain't no way in
the world that little woman

can catch that big...

Let's go! I'm ready for
that big rascal this time!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways Presentation.