The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 21 - Son of Lafe Returns - full transcript

Lafe Crick tries some match making with his son Dub and Ellie. Jed has his reservations.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Jed! Where are you, Jed?

Come a-runnin'!

I got something
to show you, Jed!

What is it, Granny?

You're the head of
the Clampett Clan.

When you see what's
coming down them stairs,

your heart is gonna swell
up and burst with pride!

Well, let's take a look.

Well, Granny, that's right cute,

but it don't exactly
swell up my heart

with pride none.

I didn't mean him!

I meant Elly May.

Come on down, Elly!

Oh, you got her all prettied
up for her date, huh?

Prettied up
ain't the half of it.

When that boy sees Elly,
he's gonna drop to his knees

and pop the question today...

just like it happened
to me 60 years ago.

How can you be sure?

Lookee yonder!

There's me 60 years
ago, head to toe.

Let out a little in between.

What took you so long, girl?

Well, I thought I'd never
get them rascals buttoned up!

Lost my buttonhook.

Well, Jed, don't she just
fair take your breath away?

She does for a fact, Granny.

But, uh, is women still wearing
them kind of clothes today?

No!

And that's why so many
ain't getting married.

What do you mean?

Women's clothes
today don't leave nothing

for men to wonder about.

You take them women
down to the vittles store.

Them women come in
there wearing little shorts

and something they
call stretch pants.

They all look like a
four-pound sausage

stuffed into a two-pound skin.

Right in the vittles store, huh?

Oh, it's shameful!

Why, them women show more

than a sideshow wiggle
dancer at a county fair.

Ain't you been down there?

Ain't you seen 'em?

No, but you sure put
me in the mood to go.

Ain't nothing to fun about, Jed.

You want your daughter

to have a happy
marriage, don't you?

Oh, of course I do, but, uh...

Elly, come here.

Oh, no, no, no, Elly.

Take little bitty steps
and hike your skirt a mite.

No, no, no!

Honey, you watch me.

Give 'em a little eensy

glimpse of your calf.

Drives a man mad.

Granny, um, 60
years is a long time,

and things change,

including what drives a man mad.

Are you trying to tell
me... (door opens)

Howdy, everybody.
Hey, Elly, your...

(laughs)

What's so funny?

You! What's that thing
you got on your head?

That's an expensive hat.

Special made.

Cost my pa two
pigs and a chicken.

If you ask me, it'd look better

to wear the two
pigs and the chicken.

(Jethro laughs)

I reckon nobody
asked you, Jethro.

Well, all right, but her fella's
coming up the driveway now,

so she better hurry and get
into some courting clothes.

She's wearing courting clothes!

Them?!

(knocker clangs) There he is.

I'll go let him in.
No, no, no, Elly.

It ain't proper for a young girl

to be ready when her beau
comes to the front door.

We'll wait in here.

Your Pa will let him in.

I sure hope I can
remember his names.

He sure does have
a bunch of 'em.

Hello, Mr. Clampett.

Howdy there, young fella.

Jethro, you remember Mr. C.P.A.
Rodfern Fredpen Fernpod.

Penrod.

I always forget that one.

That's my name, simply Penrod.

Well, Simply,
this here is Jethro.

Nice to see you again, Simply.

Uh... Fred.

No, that's Jethro.

I'm Jed. I'm Fred.

Now you're getting it!

I don't blame you
for getting mixed up

with other folks' names.

You got enough to do
remembering your own.

You must have eight or ten.

Howdy, Mr. Redfern.

You're in for a surprise!

Elly?

No, no, Simply,
this here is Granny.

Simply?

That's what he wants us
to call him... Simply Penrod.

Praise be.

I never could remember

all them other names.

Hi there, Fred.

Elly.

What are you, a Gibson girl?

Shucks, no, I'm a Clampett.

Well, give the boy credit, Elly.

He remembered your first name.

That's better than he did
with any of the rest of it.

I-I mean, what are you doing

in the strange costume?

Funny-looking, ain't it, Sim?

(laughing): Yes. Yes, it is.

You think that's funny, do you?

Walk for him, Elly.

You're right,
that's really funny!

Why, you city pipsqueak!

You don't know...

Well, now, uh, Simply
and Elly, I reckon

it's time for you to
get going. Come on.

Maybe we ought to
stay here, Elly May. I...

All I've got is my
motor scooter.

Well, you said you'd
ask Pa for our car.

Oh.

There it is, Simply.

It's all yours.

Is-Is this your
car, Mr. Clampett?

Well, strictly speaking, it
belongs to my cousin Pearl,

but, uh, I can keep it as
long as I keep her boy, Jethro.

I... I'm afraid I don't
know how to drive this.

Jethro!

So maybe we'd
just better stay here

instead of going out to dinner.

Oh, fine with me.

Granny's cooking up hog jowls.

Maybe we can both
get on the scooter.

Oh, no need to
do that, young'uns.

Jethro will drive you
any place you want to go.

Sure I will. Come on, Fred!

Up-Up there?

Yeah. Come on, little fella.

Wait, wait.

If he laughs anymore
at your courting dress,

make him walk home!

Yes, Granny!

(horn toots)

(engine starts)

(engine sputters)

(horn toots)

Jed, I think we're
making a mistake

letting that city
whippersnapper court Elly.

Well, now, Mr. Drysdale
seems to set great store

by young Fernpod.

Uh, Simply.

Says he's gonna move
right up the ladder.

Ladder?

What's he do down of
the bank, wash windows?

The way I understand it,

he's got something to
do with bookkeeping.

Must keep 'em on a high shelf

if he has to climb for 'em.

I say that we ought
to take Elly home

and get her
married to a hill man!

She's a filly
with a high spirit,

and she needs a
strong hand at the rein.

Well, Lafe Crick's
mighty anxious

for his boy Dub to
get hitched to Elly.

Uh, he's strong.

I said a hill man,

not a gully-jumpi" mud-crawler!

All right, Granny.

A no-account son of
a no-account father.

Thieves, both of 'em!

All right, Granny.

Why, they'd steal a hot stove

and come back for the smoke!

I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Now let's forget
about Dub Crick.

That suits me fine!

Why even that name
ain't rightfully his!

Dub?

Got it from a schoolteacher.

Somebody asked her if
Lafe's boy was smart or dumb,

and she had a cold
when she answered them.

All right, Granny.

That's the dubbest boy
that ever drawed breath!

Well, boy, now you're
gonna commence a' courting

that sweet, beautiful,
rich Elly May.

Wake up, boy.

I'm awake, Pa.

Then open your eyes.

What for?

'Cause we's there!

We's where?

At Jed Clampett's
house, doggone it.

Now open your
eyes and have a look.

What for? I believe you.

Now, boy, when
they open the door,

you let your Pa do all
the talking, you hear?

Selling the Clampetts
on letting you marry

into their family
is gonna be harder

than sneakin'
daylight past a rooster!

Wake up, boy.

I'm talking on you.

I'm awake, Pa.

Then look at me!

What for? I know
what you look like.

(laughs) There now.

I got that nasty old bee

that stung you on the head.

Why, Jed Clampett!

I didn't see you standing there.

You know my boy, Dub.

Well, yeah, I do. Howdy, Dub.

Boy, Mr. Clampett
done said howdy on you.

Now, why don't you answer him?

Because you said when
they opened the door

to let you do all the talking.

I thought I seen another bee.

Your head smart, Dub?

Answer the man.

O-Only when Pa hits me.

Another one's a-buzzin' by.

I reckon you all better
come in out of the bees.

Well, thank you, Jed.

Thank you.

What you got in the sack?

Oh, why this here's
just a little present

that Dub brought
out for Elly May.

A nice big batch
of black walnuts,

the kind you can't
grow out here.

Well, that's mighty
nice of you, Dub.

Where'd you get 'em?

Answer the man.

I stole 'em.

(laughs) What he means is,

they hadn't fallen
off the tree yet,

and he had to pick 'em.

Now, to a nature
lover like my Dub,

that's the same as stealing them
baby walnuts from their mother.

Awful sweet he is.

Yeah, I reckon that's why
the bees took out after him.

Yeah. Yeah!

You know, Jed, we
just plumb tuckered out

from toting these here walnuts
all the way out here to Elly.

Now, couldn't we just
spend the night in your barn?

We'd curl up in the hay.

We wouldn't be no
trouble to nobody.

Well, Lafe, we ain't got a barn,

but there's plenty of
bedrooms upstairs.

As long as you keep quiet
and don't rile up Granny,

you're welcome to use 'em.

Did you hear that, boy?

Didn't I tell you
Jed was like that?

Didn't I tell you he was
the salt of the I earth?

Had a lot of heart? No, you
just said he had a lot of money.

Get! Get our suitcase, boy!

(laughs)

You know, it must
be all them bee stings

that's got his head all rattled.

I'm putting you in here

for the sake of peace
and quiet tonight.

This room's the furthest
away from Granny's.

Well, shucks, Jed,

Granny's snoring ain't
gonna bother us none.

Ooh-ee!

This is right out of a
castle, that's what it is!

What do you think of this, Dub?

Fair takes your
breath away, don't it?

Come on, boy, speak up.

Tell Mr. Clampett what you think

of this beautiful
room he's a-givin' us!

The roof leaks, huh?

Don't think so, Dub.

'Course it don't leak!

What you ought to say a
dumb thing like that for?!

'Cause they's a
tent over the bed.

Gonna ruin my hat!

(laughs)

Uh, appreciate
it if you two'd be

as quiet as you can.

I don't want Granny
to know you're here,

leastwise not just yet.

I'll break it to her
gently in the morning.

Oh, we understand, Jed. I don't.

(laughs)

Must be them bee stings, Jed.

He'll be all right

as soon as he rests
and has some vittles.

I'll bring you up some
grits and jowls directly.

You're a good man, Jed.

I says to Maudy
before we left, I says,

"Dry your eyes, Maudy", I says.

"Jed Clampett's a good man.

"He'll treat me and Dub
just like we was his own.

"He'll board us and bed us.

Salt of the earth, Jed is."

Lafe, you hadn't
ought to waste all that.

Out here in Beverly Hills,
you can sack it and sell it.

Now, you get yourself cleaned up

and you get into
them store-bought

and city-made courting
clothes of yours,

and you ask Elly
May to marry you.

You got to make
that girl your finance

before Granny runs us off.

I-I think you mean "fi-ancy."

You mean "fi-ancy,"
I mean finance.

Hey, Uncle Jed.

I just seen old Lafe
Crick's car out front.

Shh... Is he here?

I don't want Granny
to know they's here.

They? He brung his boy with him.

Dub?

Is old Dub Crick here?!

Hey, Dub!

Boy, I just told you

I don't want Granny
to know they's here.

Now, come on, let's
get that car out of sight

before she sees it.

Where's Elly May and Simply?

Oh, they're out riding.

I learnt him how
to drive the truck.

All right, now, take Lafe's car,

put it over behind
them bushes yonder.

Ain't got no key in it.

I'll just let off the
brake and push it.

Need any help?

Shucks, no.

Remember now, keep
this whole thing quiet.

Okay.

Not so fast, Jethro,
you're headed for the hill.

Look out!

Catch it, Jethro!

It got away from me, Uncle Jed.

Yeah, I see it did.

Yonder she goes.

(crashing)

Looks like Lafe and his
boy is going to be with us

longer than I figured.

What was it, Pa?

Some poor sucker's car

just went crashing
down that hillside.

(laughs)

You know, if I wasn't sure

our car was parked
out front, I'd have...

Hey... there's that
old banker Drysdale.

He's the rascal
I want to talk to.

He runs the bank.

Are we going to rob it?

I'm going to get you
a job in that bank.

Oh, then we
going to rob it, huh?

(laughs)

You get into your
courting clothes!

Go, go!

(knocking)

Come in, Mr. Drysdale.

Granny, did you
hear that loud noise?

Yeah, don't let it worry you.

It's my grits exploding.

Grits exploding?

Yep, they do it every
time I pressure cook 'em.

Care to stay for vittles?

We're having some
blowed-up grits

and some deep-fried hog jowls.

Uh, no thank you, Granny.

And a nice green
salad... Wilted crabgrass.

No thank you.

Tadpole soup and some
candied crawdad tails.

No, really.

As a matter of fact,

Miss Hathaway is having
dinner at our house,

and I was hoping that Elly May

and young Fernpile
could join us.

Who?

Oh, he's the young
C.P.A. at my bank.

Oh, you mean Simply.

Who? The little window washer.

Who?

Greetings, Granny.

I'm sorry, Chief,

but Mrs. Drysdale wants
you to come at once.

She's ready to serve the shrimp.

Looks like Simply come
while you were gone.

What?

Do not keep your wife waiting.

Au revoir, Granny.

Same to you, whatever it is.

Mr. Crick.

Doing the work of
two men, as usual.

Human dynamo.

Mm.

Why... it's beautiful Miss Jane

and handsome young
banker Drysdale.

You know, for a minute there,

I thought I was seeing Ginger
Rogers and Fred Astaire.

Oh!

By George, Crick,
you're too good

for this kind of
back-breaking work.

Now, won't you reconsider
taking a job in my bank?

You mean a white-collar job?

Yes.

Well, sir, it's too
late for me to change

the hard-working
habits of a lifetime.

All I can hope for is
that my boy has it better.

You have a son?

Well, you wouldn't know
he was my son, ma'am.

My boy Dub has a
head on his shoulders.

Smart lad, eh?

Mr. Drysdale, smart just
ain't the word for that boy.

Chief, Mr. Crick's son
sounds like a natural

for our executive
trainee program.

Just what I was thinking.

Mr. Crick, can
your boy fly out here

and talk to me about a job?

Fly?

Why, Mr. Drysdale,

just for the honor of
shaking your hand,

that boy would crawl out
here on his hands and knees.

Well, just have him fly out.

I can't, Mr. Drysdale.

I'm a poor man.

All I got are the
rags on my back.

Oh, of course... how-how
thoughtless of me.

Here.

Sir, I-I couldn't take
money from you.

I'll have him walk out.

Walk? It's over 2,000 miles.

It would take him weeks.

Well, he can run
some of the way.

Nonsense... here.

If he flies, he'll be
here in a few hours.

Oh, sir, all this money...

It's worth every penny

to have Lafe Crick's
son in my bank.

Chip off the old
block, I'll wager.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

That boy is a born
crook... uh, I mean Crick.

Bless you, bless you both.

I'll run tell him...
uh, telegraph him.

If I didn't know better,

I'd swear you were Ginger
Rogers and Fred Astaire.

Wonderful man.

Yes, Chief.

(clears throat)

Fine howdy do.

I pressure cook
16 pounds of grits,

30 sets of hog jowls, and
nobody shows up to eat!

Grits and jowls,
come and get 'em

or I'll throw 'em out!

If there's anybody
upstairs, vittles is ready!

Don't throw 'em out, I'm coming!

(screaming)

There's a Crick in the house!

Where's my shotgun?

Oops, I forgot.

Jed, Jed, come a-runnin'!

Fetch my shotgun!

Help!

What is the matter, Granny?

You're yellin' like you
seen the devil hisself!

I seen worse: a Crick!

Dub Crick.

Too bad, Uncle Jed,
after we tried so hard...

Ow, my toe!

Must be gonna rain.

Why don't you go out

in the kitchen,
have some vittles?

Just 'cause it's gonna
rain ain't no cause

to stomp a fella's toe.

Now then, Granny, uh,

just where did you see
this, uh, Crick was it?

Yes, it was, was it!

Dub Crick... in his underwear...

He came flying down them stairs,

and when I yelled at him,
he went flying back up!

Hmm, kind of like when you seen

that giant jackrabbit
nobody else could see, huh?

That jackrabbit was here,
and Dub Crick is here!

And probably his
no-good pa along with him!

Well then, uh, their car ought
to be sitting out front, huh?

Yeah, let's go set fire to it.

Well, Granny, was it there?

No.

Well, come on now,
let's go have some vittles,

and we'll all feel better.

(screaming)

What's the matter, Granny?

Didn't you see him, big as life?

He went right across this room!

The giant jackrabbit?

No, Lafe Crick!

He's here!

Granny, maybe you
been a-workin' too hard.

I tell you, I seen him!

Where you going, Granny?

I'm gonna search this
house top to bottom

till I find that
overgrowed varmint!

Now, what would a
jackrabbit be doing upstairs?

I ain't looking
for a jackrabbit!

ELLY: Howdy, Pa, Granny.

JED: Well, look who's here.

You young folks are home
kind of early, ain't you?

Well, we had to come home.

There are no
lights on that truck.

What'd you want to do, read?

Did you see anything of
Lafe Crick's car out front?

No, ma'am.

Did you see anything of Lafe?

No, ma'am.

How about his boy, Dub?

No, ma'am.

I don't suppose you saw anything

of a giant jackrabbit?

Uh, you womenfolks
is through whisperin',

I think you ought to
invite this young fella

to stay for supper...
How about it, Simply?

Fred!

No, I'm Jed.

Mr. Clampett, my name
is Fred Penrod, period.

He's come up with another one.

Well, let's go sit at the table

before my tadpole
soup gets cold.

Oh, I-I just remembered,

uh, I've got to work
on the books tonight.

Uh, so long, everyone.

ELLY: I'll be seeing you, Fred.

Mañana, Elly.

"Monyana"?

I wish that boy would pick out

a one favorite
name and stick to it.

Granny, can I take off
my courtin' dress now?

Sure, honey, I'll
keep the soup hot.

Won't take me long.

Hurry up, boy; Elly
May's come home.

Ain't you in them high-class
big city courtin' clothes yet?

DUB: Almost, Pa, and
they is really somethin'.

Uh, you can't even
tell they's second hand.

Well, come on out
here, let me have a look.

My...

I've never see
nothin' like that before.

Are you sure them's
real big city clothes?

Yes, sir.

Luke Short over at the
general store in Sibley

bought these off
a fella that worked

at the racetrack in
Hot Springs, Arkansas.

Well, cities just don't come

no bigger than Hot Springs.

Ah, that's the truth.

Do you know what
this outfit's worth,

including the watch
and the yellow shoes?

How much?

$15.

$15? That's what I call robbery!

Yeah, I knowed you'd be proud.

It's the most I ever stole.

Up to now, that is.

Commencin' tomorrow,
you's gonna be workin'

in Mr. Drysdale's bank.

Now, by dinghies, we'll find out

if I'm seein' spooks or Cricks.

I ain't never knew a Crick yet
to pass up free grits and jowls.

(man screaming, thudding)

Ah, I got him!

I got him! I got him!

You can always tell

when Granny
pressure-cooks the grits.

Tenders 'em up real nice.

GRANNY: Jed! Jed!

Come help me; I caught him!

Caught who, Granny?

Just pull on this
rope... You'll see.

Well, does that
look like a vision?

No, it looks like Jethro.

Boy, it's worth your life

to try to get
seconds around here!

I'm sorry, Jethro.

I thought it was
one of the Cricks.

Yonder she is,
boy, get to courtin'!

Which one?

(laughing)

I think your best chance
is with the little one.

(chattering)

Look, Granny,
there are the Cricks.

Oh, no.

I ain't bitin' on
the same visions

twice in one day!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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