The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 2 - Hair-Raising Holiday - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a bubblin' crude ♪

Oil, that is.

Black gold.

Texas tea.

♪ Well the first thing you
know ol' Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

Hills, that is.

Swimmin' pools, movie stars.

Now, Granny, I
realize that back home

you are considered a doctor,

but this is Beverly Hills,

and you are not allowed
to practice medicine here

in Beverly Hills.

Especially the
way you practice it.

Cutting off a person's
hair and burying it

in the ground overnight to
cast a spell on his sickness!

Now, Granny, this is it.

No more doctoring!

(sighs) How is that?

Very good, Chief...
Very good indeed.

That should stop Granny.

Fine, now get up
there and tell her.

Me?

Well, you don't think
I'm crazy enough

to talk to her
like that, do you?

(bluegrass music playing)

Do-si-do!

Come on, Granny!

Yee-haw!

(music continues
playing inside mansion)

A square dance?

At this hour of the morning?

Yee-haw! (door knocker rapping)

Well, howdy there,
Miss Hathaway.

Come in, come in!

Hi, Miss Hathaway!

Look who's come out here

to help us celebrate
the holiday!

(cheering, whistling)

Holiday? What-what holiday?

What holiday!

She can't mean that.

She'd better not mean it.

Granny, don't get riled up.

Miss Jane is just greenin' us.

She knows what day this is.

Why, everybody
knows what day this is!

I guess it just slipped my mind.

You're gonna feel like a
dern fool when I tell you.

It's Possum Day.

Remember now?

'Course she does!

Anybody who disremembers
ought to be stood up

against a wall and shot!

Granny, it just slipped
her mind for a minute.

It'd come back to
her when she got

downtown and seen the parade.

Sure, it would.

Boy, I can't wait
to see that parade!

What time do they hold the
Possum Day Parade out here?

Oh, well, uh...

Hey, I got a swell
idea... We can watch it

from Mr. Drysdale's
office at the bank!

Yeah, it looks right
down on the main street!

You'd get a good look
at the possum juggler!

Possum juggler?

Yeah, that's the fella...

Ooh, we got a good
one back home.

He can juggle three live possums

in the air at the same time,

whilst the fourth
sits on his head

and waves a little flag.

How 'bout it, Miss Jane?

Can we watch the
Possum Day Parade

from Mr. Drysdale's window?

Oh, well, I'm afraid not.

'Course not.

What's the matter with me?

They wouldn't have them
banks open on Possum Day.

Well, we could just leave early

and get good places,
couldn't we, Miss Jane?

And until then, we's
gonna have us a hoedown!

Come on, Miss Jane! Yee-haw!

I'm afraid I...

I'm afraid I haven't time now.

You see, I really came

to deliver a message for Granny.

Who from?

Mr. Drysdale.

I reckon he wants to thank you

for curin' him of his sickness.

Well, it did take a
heap out of me, Jed,

throwin' them spells.

What's the message?

Well, Mr. Drysdale
says to tell you...

Yes?

Well?

He says, uh... Happy Possum Day!

(all cheering)

Yee-haw!

Bye!

Roy, will you relax?

What are you complaining about?

She whacked off my
hair, too, didn't she?

But I am a doctor!

You have any idea what I've been

going through this morning?

A lawn mower?

(laughing)

Why, you... Ah, ah, ah!

Now remember
your Hippocratic oath.

I have a few oaths for you

that Hippocrates
never even heard of.

If word gets out that
my hair was snipped off,

buried by a little
hillbilly witch doctor

to cast a spell on my sickness,

do you think I'd
have one patient left?

Yes, I see what you mean.

They'd all be going to her.

(laughing)

Drysdale, I am going to
the State Medical Board,

and when they get through
with that little woman,

she won't be able to
prescribe an aspirin

for her own headache!

Oh, Roy, will you relax?

I've already taken
care of that. You have?

My exact words to
her this morning...

This very morning... I said,

"Granny, this is it.

No more doctoring!"
And what did she say?

Well, I won't know till
my secretary gets back.

You sent your
secretary to tell her that?

Well, she's much more
persuasive than I am.

She knows how to handle them.

So do I. Roy, Roy, Roy!

Dr. Clyburn to you.

Doctor, I...

I appeal to you as a
poor, helpless patient.

You don't even appeal to me

as a rich, helpless patient.

If you make trouble
for the Clampetts,

I'll be facing major surgery.

What major surgery?

The removal of $35
million from my bank!

Without an anesthetic!

Ah, here she is, here she is!

Tell him... tell the doctor

you gave Granny my message,

no more doctoring,
and she agreed.

Well, you heard her!

Now get back to your office

and forget the whole thing.

I want to hear exactly
what you said to Granny

and what Granny said to you.

Well, uh, upon my arrival
at the Clampett mansion,

imagine my surprise
to find them arrayed

in their Sunday finery
and having a square dance.

"Look who's here to help
us celebrate the holiday!"

exclaimed Mr. Clampett happily.

"What holiday?" I
inquired innocently.

"Possum Day," he
replied earnestly.

Well, you... Never mind
the Tom Swift dialogue.

Did you tell Granny to
stop practicing medicine?

Well, not in those words, no.

No, she said it in much
stronger language. Let her tell me.

And without the adverbs, please.

I am a busy man.

I still have a medical practice,

as long as I keep my hat on.

Now, what happened?!

Chief, are you
going to allow him

to treat me this way?

No, I'll do it! Now,
what happened?!

Well, th-they kept
asking if they could watch

the Possum Day Parade
from your window here.

That does it. Doc, listen!

You listen!

That little woman is a menace

to the health of this community.

She is gonna celebrate
Possum Day in the klink.

Possum Day?

Dr. Clyburn...
Doc... Roy, boy...

You are constricting
my brachial artery

with your hemostatic grasp.

What? Get your cotton-picking
meat hooks off my arm.

Oh.

Look, I'll go see the Clampetts.

I'll talk to Granny.

I'll give her the
message myself.

I'll give her an ultimatum!

I'll give you one hour.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You are... (clears throat)

You are constricting
my dorsal metacarpals.

Oh, sorry.

What all you got
in here, Granny?

Oh, just a few vittles
to nibble at the parade.

Any baked possum?

Of course not.

Don't you listen
to him, Wendell.

Jethro, you know
it's again' the law

to eat possum on Possum Day.

Oh, I was only
spoofin', Uncle Jed.

You know, maybe we don't need

this little ladder at all.

We find a good
place to park the truck,

and we can watch
the whole parade

right from the truck.

I got a dandy place to park!

Where 'bouts, Jethro?

Right smack dab in front

of Mr. Drysdale's bank.

Sure that's all right?

Well, sure, Uncle Jed.

A policeman, he give me ticket

and said it was
for parkin' there!

Well, doggies!

That was mighty friendly of him.

I hope you thanked him proper.

I sure did, Granny.

Why, he said he
was just giving me

a five-dollar ticket this time,

but next time he's gonna
give me a ten dollar ticket!

Always remember that, Jethro.

Folks appreciate politeness,
especially in a young'un.

What else can
happen to me today?

Now, Chief, don't get so upset.

Faster, faster!

Well, I reckon
that's everything.

Come on, let's get going.

Pa, I'm so excited.

This is the first time
we ever watched

a Possum Day
Parade in Beverly Hills.

Yeah, I reckon they
do it up proper out here.

Oh, hey, Uncle Jed,

shouldn't we bring
along ol' Duke?

I don't reckon that'd
be such a good idea.

What do you think, Granny?

I don't think so.

The way he's been
eyei" ol' Wendell here...

(tires screeching)

It's Miss Jane and Mr. Drysdale.

I reckon they's gonna
join us for the parade.

Wait! Wait!

JANE: Oh, thank
goodness we caught you.

Get in. Where are you going?

We're gonna watch
the Possum Day Parade

from your bank. Well,
I'm afraid there's not...

Granny, Granny, Mr. Drysdale

has something very
important to discuss with you.

Well, can he wait
till after the parade?

Yeah, we don't want to
miss the possum juggler.

That's the best
part of the parade.

But there isn't
going to be a... Chief!

I believe the medical
crisis can't wait,

not even for one hour.

Oh, yes.

Granny, may I
speak to you alone?

Oh, yes, you...

you go on inside,
I'll be right in.

Here we are.

It's doctorin' he wants to
talk to me about, ain't it?

That's right, Granny.

No wonder he didn't
want to talk out here.

Well, we ain't gonna be late

for the parade, are we?

No, Elly.

But the morning's going fast.

In all the history
of Beverly Hills,

there has never been
a Possum Day Parade

in the morning.

What's the trouble?

Granny, I don't know
exactly how to say this.

I... I hope you won't be upset.

Now, now, when you've
been a doctor as long as I have,

there's nothing
you haven't heard.

Say, that does
look a little raggedy,

(chuckling): doesn't it?

You'd better come on out

and let me whip you up
a poultice for your head.

No, no, please,
no more medicine,

especially not today.

Mr. Drysdale,

a doctor's duty never
stops, even on Possum Day.

Granny, that's what I'm
here to talk to you about.

You see, cutting
off a person's hair

and burying it in the
ground to cast a spell

is not the approved method
of practicing medicine

here in Beverly Hills.

I don't like it myself,

but not having the
proper medicine,

I had to make do
with old-timey ways.

But I got enough
for a poultice for you.

No, Granny, I'm sorry.

You'd like to have your
hair back, wouldn't you?

Well, not after it's been in
the ground overnight, no.

I mean, to grow back.

Oh, it will, it'll probably
take a month or so.

Not if I make you one of
my hair-growing poultices.

Granny, that's what
I'm trying to tell you.

You cannot do that
anymore, not out here.

I can't, huh?

Jed, come in here!

Oh, please, please,
don't go back home.

Don't leave Beverly Hills.

We'll work out something.

Yeah, Granny?

You remember I
whacked off Jed's hair

clear across the back there?

Yes.

Show him what my hair-growing
poultice did for you, Jed.

It's a mite ragged; it
ain't been trimmed yet.

Wh-Why, that's impossible.

You can't grow hair
like that overnight.

Ow!

Why, it's real.

It's actually growing
right out of his scalp.

Well, that's what
Granny's poultice does.

It just draws the hair
right up through your hide.

You kept yours on a mite
too long, didn't you, Jed?

Yeah, I hadn't
ought to slept in it.

It's a miracle! Come on!

I'll whip you up one.

Granny, how did you discover
this hair-growing poultice?

Oh,

that goes way back to my
great-great-great granny.

You see, in her day,

they had considerable
trouble with the Indians.

Mayor, Mayor, I... Your Honor...

It, it doesn't have
to be a big parade.

No, just-just a
high school band,

a few horses, a few banners.

Mm-hmm.

My secretary's looking
for a possum juggler.

He's a... Possum juggler.

Yeah, he juggles three
live possums the same as...

(line disconnects) Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?!

Is this the, uh, ACME
Theatrical Agency?

Oh, fine.

We're looking for a
possum juggler for a parade.

You have a Clarence Juggler?

Oh, not an actor.

A possum juggler is one
who juggles possums.

Now, we would prefer one
who can juggle at least three...

(line disconnects) Hello?

Hello?

Oh!

Dr. Clyburn, what
a pleasant surprise!

(raps heel on floor three times)

What's that? (coughs)

Oh, uh, m-muscle spasm.

(raps heel three more times)

That's what I mean
by "pleasant surprise."

I was afraid I'd have to hobble

all the way to your office.

Don't do that. It
might get worse.

Here, let me see your foot. Oh.

(three more stomps)

CLYBURN: Don't do that.

Oh, but Dr. Clyburn,
I assure you... Look.

Mr. Drysdale is not in!

See? Told you.

Not here. Hmm.

I wish I could stay
out of my office!

Have you any idea

how it destroys the
confidence of a patient

to be examined by a
doctor who keeps his hat on?

Well... Patient gets the
feeling things aren't going well,

and the doctor's ready
to skip out of town.

But Dr. Clyburn, everyone knows

you're the finest
doctor in Beverly Hills.

Now, don't try flattery on me.

Now, what about Granny?

Oh, that wasn't flattery!

I didn't say it was, I
just said don't try it!

Now, what about Granny?

Did Milburn speak to her?

Absolutely!

I drove him there myself.

Did he lay down the law?

Tell her no more doctoring?

Or did he chicken out as usual?

Oh, Mr. Drysdale is
not one to chicken out!

He has an excellent war record!

Yes, I've heard it.

(Milburn mimics
chicken clucking)

I resent that, Clyburn!

I'll have you know
I was decorated!

Yes, and I see
you're still wearing it.

What is that? What?

Oh, th-this!

Well, my-my head was cold.

I presume that's why you
were hiding under the desk.

As a matter of fact, it is!

Now, I'm busy. Get going!

What about Granny?

I took care of Granny.

I want the truth.

What shall I do, swear
on my honor as a banker?

No, I want the truth.

You don't have to
worry about Granny.

Now get back to your own office.

I'm busy. Well, I
am running late.

But if I hear as much as
one rumor about Granny...

(knocking on door)

Oh, howdy there!

Hey, they's both here, Granny.

Ain't this a stroke of luck!

First we find the bank open,

so we can watch the
parade from the window,

and now here's Mr. Clyburn!

I was gonna send your
hair-growing poultice

over by Miss Jane.

Hair-growing poultice?

Hmm.

Say, yours is
coming along just fine.

I made yours a mite looser

because I didn't know just
when you were gonna use it.

So you're still making medicine!

I'm a doctor, ain't I?

Better run along, Roy.
Your patients are waiting.

Oh, no!

No, no.

Oh, no!

This is much more important!

You heard him.

Poultice him, Jethro.

Yeah, Granny.

CLYBURN: Please, wait, wait!

(poultice sloshing) No!

Better fetch a towel,

or that man's gonna have
a awful hairy forehead!

Granny, how many of my critters

can I take back home with me?

None that you
didn't bring with you!

I don't want nothing around

that's gonna remind me
of this miserable place!

Well, how about my skunk?

He won't take up no room.

Leave him here!

Well, he might get
kind of lonesome.

They ain't got many
skunks in Beverly Hills.

Ha!

There's plenty of
the two-legged kind!

Like that ungrateful

good-for-nothing Clyburn fella!

(pots and pans clanging)

Say, uh, Granny,

it's coming on for nightfall.

What'd you say we all
get a good night's sleep,

and we start out for home
first thing in the morning?

I ain't spending one more night

in this Beverly
Hills and that's that!

I'm going back home

where folks appreciate you
doctoring them back to health

and poultice hair on their head!

That Clyburn fella was
plumb ungrateful, was he?

Downright nasty!

Why, he's claiming
that he wasn't even sick

when he come here yesterday.

He says that Jethro put
him to bed against his will!

Why, he's even claiming

that he is
Mr. Drysdale's doctor!

You don't say.

I cured them both.

Now he's wanting all the credit!

Well, Granny, let
him have the credit.

It ain't that, Jed.

But it's the
meanness of the man!

Why, he yanked my
poultice off his head

and throwed it out the window.

Then he poke his
finger in my face,

and he says he's
gonna get after me

with a doctor's board!

What's a doctor's board?

I don't know,
but it must be big.

He says four doctors sat on it.

That's when Jethro came in.

Right, Jethro?

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed!

I said, "You take a
board to my Granny,

"and I'll bust it
over your head!

I don't care how many
doctors are sitting on it!"

Well, I reckon you was
considerable provoked

to say that.

I was pretty provoked
myself waiting outside.

Why, what happened to you?

Well, as you know,

this policeman give
Jethro here a ticket

for parking in
front of the bank.

A five-dollar ticket. Yeah.

Well, when the policeman come by

and tried to give
me another ticket,

I said, "No thank you,
we already got one.

"If it's all the same to you,

I'll take the money."

Well, he commenced
to mean-mouthin' me,

and I said, "Now, hold on there.

"If that's the way
you're gonna be,

we won't take your
money or your ticket!"

What did he say to that?

He asked me if I wanted to
come down to the station with him.

And I said, "No, I don't want to
miss the Possum Day Parade."

Well, what did he say to that?

He said there was no Possum Day.

No Possum Day?! No Possum Day?!

That's what he said.

These folks don't
appreciate nothing out here!

Jethro, you call
Mr. Drysdale at his bank,

and you tell him to send over
your Uncle Jed's $35 million

right away; we want
to take it with us.

Yessum, Granny.

And none of that paper stuff.

We want real money... silver!

But, Jethro, listen to me.

There is a Possum Day,

and there will be a parade.

Mr. Drysdale's
working on it right now.

All right, Mayor.

Now, look, how about this?

Couple of elephants,
calliope, a few lousy balloons?

Is that too much to ask?

Oh, now, suppose we put
your name on the balloons?

Election's coming up, you know.

But, Jethro, please,
you can't leave tonight.

Oh, let me talk to Granny.

All right.

One small elephant,

a few balloons, and-and
a possum juggler.

Possum juggler.

But-but Granny,
35 million in cash?!

You can't possibly...
You want it in what?

Nickels, dimes and quarters.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Granny? Hello? Hello?

Well, the Possum Day
Parade is all arranged.

First thing tomorrow morning.

Let's see, we're going to have
an elephant, a... Too late, Chief.

The Clampetts are leaving. No!

Tonight. No!

And taking their money.

No, no, no!

Thought I'd drop by on my
way to the medical board.

They'll have my report

in case Granny tries to
practice medicine again.

How many doctors did
you say were on that board?

Four. All top men.

Well, you're gonna
need all four of them!

No, Chief!

Remember, you're
a bank president.

Allow me to hit him!

What's the matter with you two?

Look, Milburn,
aren't you content

just to look like an idiot?

Do you have to
act like one, too?

And will you take off that
silly-looking baby bonnet?!

Hair?!

Chief, you've got hair!

Hair? Where?

Of all places, on your head!

Granny's poultice!

It works!

Ha!

Look who has hair!

Ha!

And who hasn't!

(both laughing)

It's impossible.

It is a medical impossibility

to so stimulate the
cranial integument

as to produce in
a few short hours

more than a microscopic,
filamentous outgrowth

of modified epidermic
tissue known

as hair!

She did it!

That little woman
hillbilly witchdoctor did it!

Come on, Chief, grab
your coat and get your hat.

There's still time to
stop them! (chuckles)

Eight years, Harvard
Medical School.

Two years internship,
20 years practice.

30 years of accumulated
scientific knowledge

right down the old tubes!

Wait! Wait!

I'm going with you!

I want a poultice!

No! I won't do
it, and that's that!

Please, Granny, I need my hair.

You can't refuse me.

You're my doctor.

Hey, Granny, guess what!

They do have
Possum Day out here.

They just celebrate
one day later than we do!

Yeah, and they're gonna have
a parade tomorrow morning!

And Mr. Drysdale and Miss
Jane say we can all be in it.

And them, too! We
might even let him in it.

I played bass drum
in the Harvard band.

I was once a drum majorette.

Yeah. It would be a bit of
a shame to have him march

in the Possum Day
Parade looking like that.

Yes it would, it would!

All right, I'll make
you a poultice,

and you can sleep in it tonight.

Oh, thank you.

(marching band playing
"Dixie," excited crowd chatter)

(crowd cheering)

(crowd whooping)

Dandy parade, ain't it, Granny?

All except the possum juggler.

Sorriest I ever seen.

Well, she's doing
the best she can.

MAN: Whoo!

I'll bet you, by
next Possum Day,

she'll be good enough
to lead the parade.

MAN: Whoo!

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back ♪

♪ Next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality. ♪

Hillbilly, that is.

Set a spell.

Take your shoes off.

You all come back now, you hear?

ANNOUNCER: This has
been A Filmways Presentation.