The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 18 - Lafe Lingers On - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

(pounding)

There you are, Skipper.

Yeah.

Elly May, you better learn
Skipper some table manners

or Granny ain't gonna
let him eat in her kitchen.

I'd a heap rather have
him eating my kitchen

than that big, overgrowd,

lazy, good-for-nothi"
Lafe Crick.

Now, Granny, don't
start on Lafe again.

He's gone. He's on
his way back to the hills.

He don't live in the hills.

He lives in the gully.

And it's his kind

that give the hill
people a bad name.

He's on his way back to the
gully, and his daughter with him.

Now, let's forget him.

Granny, don't get
yourself all angered up.

Who's angered up?

You are.

Because that Lafe
Crick tried to get you

to marry his daughter.

Ain't that right?

Shucks, no.

They's both gone back home.

I'm the only one
that has the gumption

to hold a grudge.

It's a sorry thing,

when a poor ol',
stove-up, wore out,

gray-haired ol' granny has to do
all the grudge holding in the family.

Well, leave go of it, Granny.

Lafe is gone, and
you can't start a fire

without you got two
sticks to rub together.

You calling me a stick?

Don't start in on me.

Here...

Have some of this
scalding hot coffee.

It'll cool you down.

Here we are, Mr. Crick.

Ma'am, I just don't
know how to thank you.

A fine, beautiful,
young city girl like you

givin' a poor ol'
hound dog like me

a ride in your
beautiful automobile.

Nonsense, Mr. Crick.

The moment you told me

that you were Mr. Clampett's
nearest and dearest friend...

Like that, Jed and me...

Two peas in a pod... always was.

He'll be so happy that
you're staying over.

Missing my own
daughter's wedding to do it.

But I says to myself,
I says, "Lafe," I says,

"if you can pleasure Jed and
Granny and them young'uns,

"even that itty-bitty bit

"by staying over here
like they begged you to,

you've just got to forget
your own pleasure."

Just like Mr. Clampett...
Always thinking of others.

Like that, Jed and me...
Two burrs in a mule's tail...

always was.

I wish I could stay and
see this joyous reunion

between two old friends,

but I must be getting
back to the bank.

Yeah.

You take good care of
ol' Jed's money, you hear?

You keep a tight hold on it now.

Don't you worry, it's safe.

That's comfortin' to know.

It's comforting to know

that Mr. Clampett
has friends like you.

I hope you can stay for a while.

I'm going to try my
best, you got my word.

Skipper and me will be back

to help you with
the dishes, Granny.

Help me with the dishes.

And that's what you get when
you deal with those gully people.

Lafe Crick, Essiebelle...

I'm gonna tell you,
I've seen some things...

That's the way it is.

(mumbling): I never... trash.

Jethro, I reckon we got
to let Granny blow off

that head of steam she built up

over Lafe Crick,
or she's going to be

sputtering and hissing
like that for weeks.

I reckon it'd
pleasure her a heap

to cut loose and speak her mind.

Granny, what do you
think of Lafe Crick?

Why he is the laziest,
no-account varmint

that ever drawed a breath!

Go, Granny, go.

Why, the only hard
work that he ever done

was to turn over in bed.

He can get up in the
morning with nothing to do,

and by nightfall,
it's only half done.

That's it, Granny,
mean mouth him good.

His woman does all the
work over at their place.

And the only time she
ever got him out in the fields,

she had to sharpen the
stump so he couldn't sit down!

Blow the lid off,
Granny. Let 'er fly.

The only nickel he ever earned

was when his pa paid him two
bits to stay away from the house.

Why, he would
whitewash his own ma

and rent her out
to haunt houses.

Why, he's so lazy,

even his scarecrows
have to sit in a chair.

You talk about a liar...

Why, that Lafe Crick,
he wouldn't know the truth

if he stepped on it barefooted!

Go, Granny.

He's like a catfish... (sighs)

all mouth... no brains.

He's got whiskers
like a catfish.

Shifty-eyed... big feet.

I don't want to talk
about it... no more.

(deep exhale)

That's good, Granny.

Them last two
wasn't much anyway.

I bet you feel a heap
better, don't you?

I feel wonderful.

And I'm gonna cook up
a mess of the finest vittles

that this family ever
clamped their jaws on.

Jethro and me has got
some wood to cut out back.

See ya later, Granny.

What you got there, Skipper?

Mr. Crick.

You speak to me, boy?

That was me that
spoke, Mr. Crick.

Oh, hi there, Elly.

I'd get to my feet,
honey, only I'm so tired

from walking all
the way up here.

I thought you went back
home for Essiebelle's wedding.

Oh, Elly darlin', promise me
you're never gonna treat your pa

the way that girl treated me.

What did she do?

Went away and left me stranded

without no car, no money,
no food, all sick and starvin'.

We got plenty of food,

and Granny'll doctor
you back to health.

No, no, no, honey.

I don't want to burden nobody.

But I would like to
see your pa's face

just one more time before
I pass on to my reward.

Now maybe if you was to help me,

I could get to my feet and
make my way to the table...

I mean, to wherever your pa is.

He's in the kitchen.

Good.

♪ I am cookin' grits and
jowls, Billy boy, Billy boy ♪

♪ I am cookin' grits and
jowls, charmin' Billy ♪

♪ And my vittles will be safe
now that we is rid of Lafe ♪

♪ He's a good-for-nothin',
low-down, lazy varmint. ♪

Hello, dear, sweet,
little ol' Granny.

(screaming)

He's back! And drunk to boot!

Jed! Jed! Jed!

Jed!

What's the matter, Granny?

It's Lafe Crick.

That good-for-nothin',
low-down, lazy,

vittle-stealing,
liquor-drinkin' gully jumper.

Granny, I thought you'd
blowed off all that steam.

I did, but he's back,

and I'm commencing
to boil again.

Lafe is back?

Yes, but not for long.

Gimme that axe.

Now, Granny.

LAFE: Jed, old friend.

I didn't have it in mind
to bother ya none, but...

(panting)

Elly May found me and
forced me to come in

and have some vittles to
help me get my strength back.

Well, you're always
welcome at our table, Lafe.

Oh, no, no, now, now.

I ain't lookin' for no handout.

Lafe Crick ain't one to be
asking for charity, no sirree.

Lafe Crick wants to
work for what he gets.

I didn't know there
was two Lafe Cricks.

Well, there ain't no call
for you to work, Lafe,

but if it'll make
you feel any better,

here's the axe.

You can help Jethro
yonder cut some wood.

I'd be glad to...

I'd be proud to do
it, but I think first

I'll change into
my work clothes.

I wouldn't want to get my
Sunday-go-to-meeting suit

all mussed up.

Gimme that axe.

Now, Granny, you leave Lafe be.

I ain't after him,

but if you're sending
him out there to work,

I'm goin' out there first
and sharpen them stumps.

That ain't a bad
hour's work, Jethro.

I'll say it ain't.

Can we stop for
vittles now, Uncle Jed?

Quick as Lafe
gets through eating.

Granny's feedin' him first.

Well, I thought
Granny didn't like him.

Well, it ain't that.

It's just that it's
dangerous for other folks

to sit at a small table
with Lafe when he's eatin'.

He does swing his knife
and fork around right lively.

Like a snare drummer
in a Possum Day parade.

GRANNY: Move on.

I was goin',
Granny, I'm a-goin'.

If my ol' crippled
knee will let me.

What crippled your knee?

The rheumatiz, Granny.

Now if you was to give me

a little bit of your
rheumatiz med...

Move on.

Well, Lafe, you ready
to go to work, are ya?

Can't hardly wait
to sail into it, Jed.

I got my worki" clothes on now.

You notice the only place

his workin' clothes
is patched, don't ya?

Now, Granny, now, Granny.

Maybe he's turned
over a new leaf.

Not unless there's
food under it.

What you got in the pan?

Nothing.

I was using it to dip
grits and jowls for Lafe.

I couldn't keep ahead
of him with a spoon.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe that one
man could work like that.

This one can... he's
another Jed Clampett.

Oh howdy, Miss Hathaway ma'am.

I'm afraid you
caught me restin' a bit.

You deserve to rest.

Why from my place it
sounded like there were

three or four men over here
sawing, chopping, splitting logs.

Well, that's just
the way I work, sir.

Oh, Mr. Crick,
permit me to introduce

Mr. Clampett's
next door neighbor

and the president of
our bank... Mr. Drysdale.

Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Crick.

I ain't good enough to shake
the hand of no bank president, sir.

Now don't be ridiculous.

I'd be honored to
shake your hand.

It's all rough and
full of calluses

from working every day
from sunup to sundown.

By George, you and Jed Clampett

are certainly cast
from the same mold.

They're like this, Mr. Drysdale.

Two peas in a pod.

Two burrs in a mule's tail.

Oh, well, if you
gentlemen will excuse me,

I'll run along and
say hello to Jethro.

Sit down, man. You
must be exhausted.

Shucks no, Mr. Banker.

Way I work, I could
go on like this for days.

'Course it is beginning to
catch up with me a might.

I ain't a young fella like you.

Oh, I'm not so young.

Well, according to Jed, you are.

His exact words to me, he
says, "Now you be sure and speak

to young Mr. Drysdale
about that job."

Job?

Doggone it, I wasn't
gonna let that slip out.

I was bound and
determined not to.

Well, you just
forget it, Mr. Banker.

It's Jed's idea, not mine.

No, tell me all about it.

Any idea of Jed
Clampett's I want to hear.

Well, Jed... he had this notion

that, uh, you
might could hire me

to watch his money for
him down to your bank.

Oh, you mean like a
guard or a night watchman.

Night... night watchman...
That sounds like it.

I've said it before,
and I'll say it again.

Having Lafe Crick around

will lead to
nothing but trouble.

You're right, Granny.

That's a fact. Yes, ma'am.

I know the Cricks
better than any of you.

I knew his pa and
his pa before him.

And the three of
them put together

ain't worth the powder it
would take to blow them up.

You're right, Granny.

That's a fact. Yes, ma'am.

Lafe Crick is all talk.

Got a tongue bigger
than a hay wagon.

Why, he'd mealymouth
you out of your eyeteeth

and sell them back to you.

You're right, Granny.

That's a fact. Yes, ma'am.

When it comes to Lafe Crick,

I know what I'm talking about,

and it won't do any
good to argue with me.

You're right...
Let's all quit arguing

with Granny so's we can eat.

How can I dish the vittles

if you don't hold
your plates up?

You're right, Granny.

That's a fact. Yes, ma'am.

There you are.

I've just left your
friend, Lafe Crick.

What a hardworking, industrious,

wonderful man he is.

(chuckles)

What did you say?

Then it's settled.

If Jed Clampett wants you

as a night watchman at my bank,

a night watchman you are.

Uh, if you put it that way,

I-I'm afraid I
can't take the job.

Oh? Why not?

Well, it makes me feel

like I treed a possum
with Jed's hound.

Well, of course,
I see your point.

You don't want
to feel, uh, uh...

What's the word? Uh,
beholden to Jed, eh?

That's right, Mr. Drysdale.

I'm a poor man.

I'm as rough as a
cob and plain as dirt,

but I got my pride.

You are like Mr. Clampett!

Like that, Jed and me.

Two berries on a
bush, always was.

All right.

I'll say it was my
idea to hire you.

Now, when do you
want to start to work?

How about tonight?

Shouldn't you get some rest?

Rest? What's that?

Mr. Crick, men like you
are few and far between.

Thank you... boss.

I tell you, Granny,

the man is a veritable
one-man sawmill.

Cutting, chopping,
splitting logs.

You see, Granny,
old Lafe has changed.

Well, if he has,

I'm gonna jump in that pond

with all of my clothes on.

In a bank at night

with a gun and $40 million!

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

See, Granny? I told you so.

Yahoo!

(cracking log)

By doggies, Granny,
she was right.

Granny?

(splashing)

Granny always was
a woman of her word.

I fetched your shoes
out of the pond, Granny.

I'll set 'em in the oven
and let 'em dry out.

Much obliged.

(sneezes)

Bless you.

Want me to fetch you a
jug of rheumatiz medicine?

No, never mind.

I can't believe it.

I seen it, but I
can't believe it.

Lafe Crick swinging an axe!

Splitting wood!

You ain't heard the
best part, Granny.

Old Lafe done got hisself a job.

A job? Lafe Crick?

That's right.

I've changed my
mind... Fetch my jug.

Yes, sir, ol' Lafe's gonna work

down at Mr. Drysdale's bank.

The bank where
you got your money?

That's right.

Jed, turning a rascal
loose like that in a bank

is like putting a hungry
fox in a henhouse.

Oh, give the man
a chance, Granny.

Maybe it's a good thing
for Lafe to learn a trade.

At least now, folks will know

what kind of work he's out of.

Here's your jug.

Want me to fetch
your drinking thimble?

No.

This calls for a cool
head and warm feet.

All ready to go, Mr. Crick.

I sure do appreciate you
carrying me to the bank, boy.

Glad to do it.

If I stayed here, I'd
have to dig a hole

under the elm tree for Granny,

and that there is hard work.

I mean, W-O-R-K.

Granny told me never to
say that word around you.

Gets you to cussin'.

Jethro, you shouldn't do work

like diggin' a hole.

Fine, handsome boy like you!

Shucks, it's no harder
than cuttin' wood

or plowin' or clearin' stumps.

You ought to get
yourself married, son.

Then, you wouldn't
have to do woman's work.

Yeah... yeah!

Make yourself
comfortable, Mr. Crick.

Mr. Drysdale will be right back.

Thank you, ma'am.

My, my, this must be the finest,

most beautiful
office in all the world.

Oh, I'd hardly say that.

Well, I reckon it
must be you, ma'am.

A pretty girl always
makes a room pretty.

(giggling):
Mr. Crick, you devil.

So, this is where you
keep old Jed's money, is it?

Yes, the Commerce
Bank is very proud

to be the guardian of
the fortune belonging

to your nearest
and dearest friend.

Like that, Jed and me.

Two drips of dew, always was.

Well, make yourself at home.

I'll just have a few
words with Jethro.

Fine boy, Jethro.

Yes. Lookin' for a wife.

You and him would make
a mighty handsome couple.

(giggling)

Where in blue blazes do
they keep Jed's money?

Good to see you, Jethro.

Mr. Crick, what are you doing?

Givin' thanks,
Mr. Drysdale, sir.

Just givin' thanks
for a fine, generous,

upstanding young
man like yourself

lettin' a poor
razorback like me work

in his fine bank,
lookin' after the money

of his nearest
and dearest friend.

Lafe Crick, you're a good man.

Jed Clampett is wealthy
in more ways than one.

He is? Yes.

A friend like you is worth more

than a million dollars.

Oh, I do hope to be, sir.

I do hope to be.

Where is that no-account,
overgrowed, big, lazy...

Granny, I told you,
Lafe has got a job.

I'm talkin' about Jethro!

He promised to commence
to dig me a root cellar.

Well, Jethro has
taken Lafe to work.

I'm gonna start the
root cellar for you.

One bad apple
will spoil the barrel!

You mark my words.

That Lafe is gonna
turn those younguns

into a no-account like hisself.

ELLY: Granny?

Skipper and me's ready
to help dig your root cellar.

Ain't we, Skipper?

Come on, Skip, let's go.

Don't look like them
two is spoiled none.

Give 'em time.

Lafe ain't gonna be
around to do much spoilin'.

I bet you Mr. Drysdale
has got him worki"

to beat the band right now.

(scoffs)

I, uh, didn't singe
your whiskers, did I?

No, no, no, not a bit.

Mm.

It's the first time I ever
tied into one of these.

Is it all for me, or
do I give you half?

No, I-I don't smoke them.

Mr. Crick, would you like
me to send for my barber?

Oh, no, no, no.

I can smoke it by myself.

No, I thought you might
want a shave and a haircut.

My barber would be
happy to come over here

to my office and give you one.

You mean right
while I'm a-sittin' here?

All I have to do is call him.

(laughs): Wow, that
sure is handy, huh?

Yes, isn't it?

I'll just keep that in mind

if I ever should need
a shave and a haircut.

Uh, yes.

Well, right now, I'm
anxious to get to work.

That's the kind of a man I am.

I'm not much of a
one for sittin' around.

Good.

What I have in mind

for night watching
old Jed's money

is if you was to put it
into some gunny sacks,

I'd sit on them sacks with
my shotgun across my lap.

Now, then, you wouldn't
have to worry at all.

You could just go off
someplace and sleep like a baby.

Mr. Crick, I'm afraid you
have a slight misconception

about the way we guard
our money here at the bank.

In the first place,

Mr. Clampett's fortune
isn't actually here.

It ain't?

Oh, most of it ain't... isn't.

And the money we do keep here

is locked in a
massive steel vault,

which cannot possibly
be opened at night.

Uh, that, uh, kind
of worries me,

old Jed and me being like that.

Well, you can stop worrying.

And Mr. Clampett knows
his money is perfectly safe,

and he knows he can get all
he wants any time he wants it.

Handy as all that, huh?

He doesn't even have
to leave his house.

Oh, my, that is handy.

Oh, my, my, look at all
that daylight out there.

Why, I've got time
to chop old Jed

another cord of wood
or two before sundown.

You, sir, are the
hardest working man

I have ever seen.

Habit of a lifetime, sir.

Jethro, are you out there?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Crick.

Uh, Jethro thought
you were staying here.

He's gone home.

Oh, well, it's only
five or six miles

to old Jed's place.

I guess I'll just run it.

Good for my rheumatiz.

Oh, Mr. Crick,
wait just a minute!

Chief, may I drive him home?

Of course.

Fantastic man... a human dynamo.

Yes, it was quite amusing.

When the Clampetts first
arrived, Granny insisted

the entire fortune
be changed into silver

so it could be buried
in the backyard.

What did you say?

Buried in the backyard?

I sure do thank you... you've
been a great help to me.

I'll be seeing you.

What a bundle of energy.

That's a fine
example for Jethro.

There you are, Jethro.

Now get out there
and commence digging

your granny's root cellar.

But Uncle Jed, Mr. Crick says

I ain't supposed to
do women's work.

See what I told you?

The bad apple is
commencin' to spoil the barrel!

Jethro, you don't listen

to what Mr. Crick tells you.

You do what I tell you...
Now get on out there.

I'll join you in a
minute with a shovel.

Yes, sir.

Ah, here comes the
wormy winesap now.

I'm gonna fetch my shotgun!

Jethro, stop your granny.

Yes, sir.

(panting)

What are you fixin' to do, Jed?

I was fixin' to
do a little diggi"

out back yonder.

Oh, well, I'll do it for you.

Well, you could help
if you're a mind to it.

Oh, no, I want
to do it all myself.

I stopped her, Uncle Jed.

Well, let's commence to diggin'

under that big
old elm out there.

Doggone it, Jethro, I want

to do all the
diggin' around here.

Lafe, the kind of diggi"
that Granny wants done

would take one man all night.

Well, hard work
never hurt nobody!

I'll see you in the mornin'.

It's a miracle, a plumb miracle.

(crowing)

(yawning)

I said it last night,

and I'll say it
again this mornin'.

If that Lafe Crick has
dug me a root cellar,

I'll jump back into
the cement pond

with an anvil in my arms!

I wouldn't say too much, Granny.

Lafe's been right
full of surprises lately.

He's nothin' but...

Seen enough, Granny?

Yep.

Fetch the anvil.

We ain't got a anvil.

I was countin' on that.

Let's go get some coffee.

That's deep enough, Lafe.

Veer a little to the right.

Thank you, Jed!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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