The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Girl from Home - full transcript

A father and daughter from back home come to Beverly Hills to meet Jed.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Hey, Jed.

Hey, Jed!

You at home?

Jed?

Hey, Jed, you in there,
you ol' mountain goat?

Hey!

Hey, Jed!

Dogged if that don't sound

like ol' Lafe Crick
from back home!

It does for a fact.

What do you suppose
that no account wants

around here?
We'll soon find out.

Jed, doggone it,

you come out here and let me in!

(laughing)

Lafe! Jed!

Well, this is a surprise!

Granny, you little
old possum you!

Put me down, you
old rattlesnake varmint!

(laughing)

She ain't changed a
bit, has she, Jed, huh?

No bigger than a minute,

and scrappy as a bantam hen!

Elly May, look who's here!

Howdy there, Mr. Crick!

Sure is good to see you.

Elly May Clampett,

you're as pretty as a
fist full of pink hollyhocks!

Yes, sir, Jed,
everybody always did say

we had the two
prettiest girls in the hills!

Hey, is Essiebelle with you?

You bet she is!

Hey, where's Jethro?

He ain't home from school yet.

How about Maudy...
Bring her along?

Oh, I had to leave my woman
home to do the chores, Granny.

Roof needed
patching, well caved in,

had to be dug out,
mule needed shoein',

lots of little things like that.

You know, we're just
poor gully-jumpers.

We don't roost high
on a hill like you folks.

Essiebelle ain't out in the car,

nor Mrs. Crick neither.

Had to leave my woman
at home, Elly May.

And Essiebelle, she's
over at the motel unpacking

and prettying herself up.

Motel?

Why, Lafe, we got plenty of room

to take care of you and
Essiebelle right here.

Well, now, Jed,
you know I ain't one

to trade on a friendship.

'Course, after Jethro and
Essiebelle's proper hitched,

then we're gonna be
wanting to live near our kinfolk.

Hitched?

Jethro and Essiebelle?

You mean you don't know
what that boy's been up to?

Well, no, I can't
says I do, Lafe.

Then we's got some talking to do

man-to-man.

Come on, Elly, we'll
make a pot of coffee.

See you later, Mr. Crick.

Yes, sir, you got a couple

of fine womenfolk there.

I reckon you're as proud
of them as I am of mine.

I reckon.

I reckon you'd want to
see right done by Elly May

just the same as I'd
want to see right done

by Essiebelle. I reckon.

I reckon you wouldn't
want no young men

playing fast and
loose with her feelings.

I reckon. I reckon
a man's daughter...

All right, Lafe, supposing
you stop blowing

on the fur and get to the hide.

What are you trying to say?

It don't come easy,
saying what I got to.

Well, let's go and sit
down and give it a try.

Oooh-eeesh!

My, you got yourself
a regular palace here.

You got...

Oh, oh, I-I'd better
take off my clodhoppers,

I don't want to get your
fancy carpet all dirty.

Just leave everything on, Lafe,

and sit down and
speak your piece.

Oh, my!

Sure do beat sitting on
a stump now, don't it?

(laughs)

I guess you got this here chair

stuffed full of money, huh, Jed?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Yeah, Lafe.

Uh, now, uh, about
Jethro and Essiebelle?

Well, to speak plain out,

your Jethro done grabbed a
holt to my Essiebelle's heart!

I don't recall Jethro
mentioning Essiebelle's name

since, uh, away last summer,

when she won
that beauty contest.

That's when it happened!

What happened?

This happened!

Love letters, wrote by
your Jethro to my Essiebelle!

Love letters?

Steaming hot love letters!

Someday I got to have
a long talk with that boy!

Let me see the letters.

Jed, I hadn't better.

You having a pretty, sweet,

innocent, young
daughter of your own,

you might just anger up to the
point where you'd hurt that boy.

Jethro got out of line, did he?

Well, I wouldn't exactly
call it getting out of line,

providing his
intentions is honorable.

If these letters was
wrote way last summer,

how come you just getting here?

Well, now, I ain't wallering
in money like you, Jed.

I had to scrimp and save

to get to where I could
afford to make the trip.

Why, I'm a poor man.

Only treasure I got's
my little Essiebelle.

All right, Lafe...

not knowing what Jethro wrote,

it's hard for me to speak.

But I know he'll want
to do the right thing,

and I'll see that he does.

Spoke like a true hill man.

Why, I said to Maudy
before I left, I says,

"Dry your eyes, Maudy.

Jed Clampett's a man of honor."

I says, "He'll see that
Jethro does the right thing

by our Essiebelle."

And I will, too, Lafe.

You can count on it!

Yes, sir, Jed, you sure
got yourself a palace.

I suspect you got more
money than a pig has grunts.

We's eating regular.

I suspect a generous
man like you's aiming

to settle a heap of
that money on Jethro

when he gets married,

him being almost like
a son to you and all.

Don't count your chickens

before they hatch, Lafe Crick.

I want to hear Jethro's
side of this first.

Oh, you're a good
man, Jed, fair.

Like I says to
Essiebelle, I said,

"Dry your eyes, honey.

"Jed Clampett's a fair man.

"He's gonna do the fair thing,

"he's gonna see you married fair

and proper to Jethro."

And like I said to you, Lafe...

(horn honking)

(tires squealing)

Whoever's driving that
truck's mighty shy on brains!

That's Jethro.

Fine boy!

Hey, Jethro! (brakes screeching)

Just call me Daddy, boy.

Yeah! Jethro,

Lafe here says that last summer

you wrote some love letters

to his daughter Essiebelle.

Love letters? Oh,
that ain't nothing

to be ashamed of, son.

Most natural thing in the world

for a handsome boy
like you to write letters

to a beautiful girl
like Essiebelle.

Them was fine letters, too.

You should be proud
of them! Well, thank you!

How come she
never answered them?

Well, son,

right after she won
that beauty contest

she must have gotten
hundreds of letters like yours,

proposing marriage, and things.

Why, it took her a while...

Now hold on, Lafe.

Jethro, did you propose
marriage in them letters?

Oh, let me think.

Well, it ain't nothing
to be ashamed of, son.

Most natural thing in the world

for a handsome boy like you...

Give him a chance
to think, Lafe!

It ain't something that
comes easy to him.

Love ain't nothing
you think about.

Love comes from the heart!

He never said he was
in love with Essiebelle.

Well, he always was.

You remember when you used to
tote her books home from school,

ol' Mel Pratt, he took them
away from you and beat you up?

Yeah, but he was
twice as big as me!

Yeah, but if you was
to marry Essiebelle now,

that would sure leave
ol' Mel Pratt drinking

from an empty jug.

Yeah.

Yeah!

This ain't something you
have to decide about right now.

Why, of course you don't.

You just think
on it for a while.

Think about how
Essiebelle's the prettiest girl

in the hills. Yeah.

Best dancer, too! Yeah.

How much you'd
like to marry her.

Yeah! Shake on it, son!

Now wait a minute, Jethro.

Think what you're doing.

You sure you're ready
to support a wife?

Could be you'd
have to quit school.

Well, hot diggety
dog, then I'm ready!

I'll bring Essiebelle
over before supper.

But first, you go down
to one of them fancy

Beverly Hills jewelry stores,

and you pick out a
great big diamond ring.

All right, and while I'm there,

I'll get something
for Essiebelle, too!

I'll see you later, son.

Bye-bye, Mr...
Bye-bye, Daddy Crick!

Whoo-hoo!

I'm gonna get married!

Yee-ha!

Someday I should've had
a long talk with that boy!

Oh, come on, Jed, cheer up!

Maybe Essiebelle'll make
a good wife for Jethro.

That boy ain't ready
to get married, Granny.

He just don't know
what it's all about.

He's a heap smarter than
you give him credit for.

Why, he's halfway
through the sixth grade

and at his age, too!

I'll grant you he's
smart in book-learning,

but when it comes
to knowing about life...

Hey, Granny, hey, you
gonna dance at my wedding?

And show them there
pretty ankles of yours?

(laughs)

Now you listen to me, boy!

Getting married is
nothing to fun about.

Now, are you sure you're ready

to give Essiebelle
Crick your name?

Yeah, if she wants it.

But Jethro seems
like a right poor name

for a girl!

See what I mean, Granny?

Skipper and me's ready to
help pick out your ring, Jethro.

Now, Elly May, I don't
reckon a jewelry store

is the best place
for this little fella.

He's right given
to picking up things

and swallowing them.

I see what you mean, Pa.

Skipper, you stay here.

Why, if you was to eat
some of them diamond rings,

they'd give you the stomachache.

Just a moment, please!

I'm sure you must
be in the wrong place.

Is this a jewelry store?

Well, yes, but we
sell only the very finest

and most expensive pieces.

I suggest you
try a notion store.

Jethro's done got the notion.

What he needs now is a ring.

JETHRO: Hey, Uncle Jed!

Here's some rings over here!

Yes, b-b-but please.

Now-now, I assure
you... Um, uh...

Them red diamonds is pretty!

Those are rubies.

Well, ask her if she
wants to sell one.

Madame,

the ruby I'm referring
to is not a lady.

How she got them rings
is her own business.

Just ask her if she
wants to sell one.

Perhaps you will understand
how out of place you are

when I tell you that
no ring in this case sells

for less than $10,000.

Now, wouldn't you
like to look elsewhere?

Yeah, show us where
you keep the good stuff.

Security guard, please.

That's right, Pa,

Mr. Drysdale said we
should always ask for the best.

Did I hear you mention
the name "Drysdale"?

Yes, sir.

Milburn Drysdale?

Yes, sir.

He's our next-door neighbor.

He keeps Jed's 35
million in his bank.

Now, Granny, I ain't sure

it's 35 million no more.

Might be close to 40 by now.

You got the phone in your hand,

call up Mr. Drysdale
and see who's closer, Jed

or me. (cackling laugh)

(uneasy laugh)

Stand by till I make one call.

Things have
been a little... slow

since Christmas.

Quite a place, huh, Essiebelle?

Why, I'll say.

Gee, Pa, it's just about the
biggest place I ever did see.

Yes, sir, Essiebelle,

you did a mighty wise thing

when you decided to
marry up with Jethro.

I didn't decide, Pa, you did.

I didn't even
answer his letters.

Well, it was a good thing I
did discover those letters.

You'd have been married
to that no-account Mel Pratt.

Mel Pratt ain't a no-account.

He's a good, strong,
hardworking boy.

You got to learn to keep
your mouth shut, girl.

You got to learn to
keep your mouth shut,

especially when
there's any food around.

I still can't figure out where
you found vittles enough

to put on all that weight
since last summer.

Mel Pratt's been feeding me.

He wanted me to
get good and strong

so I could help him
clear that acre of land.

That ain't land,
girl, that's rocks.

You want to marry up with a
boy that's got an acre of rocks,

you should at least have
them cut and piled up

into a fine palace
like this one.

But Mel Pratt loves
me, and I love him.

I don't want to hear that
name no more, Essiebelle.

You're gonna marry
into the lap of luxury, girl.

You're gonna wear
fine clothes and jewels.

You're gonna have servants
to wait on you hand and foot.

You're gonna have a butler

running ahead of
you, opening doors.

All kinds of things like that.

Pa, look at that!

LAFE: Stand right
here, now, Essiebelle.

You don't want him to think

we ain't never seen a
butler before, do you?

I do hope you'll
tell Mr. Drysdale

how well we have
treated you here.

Ah, here we are.

Now, this is the
engagement ring.

Thank you.

You might... in a
subtle way of course...

Let the bride know that she
is getting ten perfect karats.

Well, that's mighty nice of you.

Nice my foot.

After the money you spent,

he could at least send
her a smoked ham.

And here are madame's
lovely necklace and earrings.

How many carrots did I get?

About 50.

But, of course,
they're not perfect.

Well, in that case,
I'll take turnips.

(chuckling)

And for mademoiselle,

this beautiful diamond bracelet.

Do I get some carrots, too?

Oh, yes, indeed.

About 30.

You sure are generous
with your vegetables.

So are you, sir.

You're going to be
sending me a lot of cabbage.

I am?

Yes.

Cabbage is money.

Well, it's your store,

but I'll be dogged if I see
how you stay in business.

(piano playing melody)
You know something, Pa?

I think that that there
butler's nothing but a monkey.

You ever see a monkey
playing a pi-ano?

No, sir, but...

Now, you just hush up,
girl, and let me do the talking.

Mr. Butler, that's
mighty fine music.

Looks like Lafe and
Essiebelle is here.

Ye-hoo!

I'm gonna see my sweetie!

Now, Jethro, you
get a hold of yourself.

I don't want you running
in there and picking up

that little girl and
scaring her half to death.

Yes, sir.

You put the truck away.

I'll wait for you here.

We'll all go in together
like a proper family

ought to at a time like this.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed!

(engine starts)

Don't be too hard on him, Jed.

Now that I think back, he
must be desperate in love.

What makes you think so?

For the past week,
he ain't ate his supper.

For Jethro, that's desperate.

That boy will eat anything
that don't bite him first.

Who's that a-coming, Pa?

Looks like that
Beverly Caterers.

Yeah, the young widow
that cooks for folks.

Hi. Is Jethro ready?

Ready for what, ma'am?

For our regular date.

JETHRO: Howdy, Marian!

Sure is good to see you.

You're right on time. Let's go.

Wait a minute, boy.

Uh, you got a
date with this girl?

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Every day after
work, she picks me up

and we drive up
into the hills and park

and watch the sun go down.

Then you know what we do?

Elly May, go in the house.

What do you do, boy?

Well, then we climb
into the back of the truck

and eat all the
vittles that's left!

(chuckles)

No wonder he ain't
been eating his supper.

I've got your favorite today,
Jethro: Swedish meatballs.

Jethro, uh, the girl
you're gonna marry

is waiting in the house.

You can't go running off
with her and leave Essiebelle.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Marian, you reckon
there's enough meatballs

in the truck for
the three of us?

Forget it!

Son.

Here's your blushing bride.

Come give her a big hug.

Excuse me, ma'am, I'm
looking for my sweet little old

Essiebelle Crick from back home.

I'm right here, Jethro!

Jethro, son, this
here's Essiebelle.

You're Essiebelle Crick?

ESSIEBELLE: Yeah, Jethro.

(nervous chuckle)

Marian!

Hey, wait, wait, wait!

Essiebelle...

I hope you ain't
taking this too hard.

I know it's hard for you
to talk at a time like this.

I understand,
so you just listen.

Now, first off, I
want you to know

that we's getting
Jethro back for you.

Now, Elly's cut across the hill,

and your pa's took
out after him in his car

with Granny riding shotgun.

Now, I don't excuse
the boy for what he done,

but you have changed a
mite since he seen you last.

Filled out, you might say.

Jethro, he's got kind of
used to these puny city girls.

Essiebelle, I just can't
stand to watch you suffer.

Ain't there anything I can do?

Yeah, would you get me
another pie out of the icebox?

Here you are.

Thank you.

Want some?

No, not right now.

You don't appear
to be too unhappy.

Oh, heck no.

I like pumpkin pie
as well as apple.

I mean, uh, about
Jethro running off.

Mmm.

Mr. Clampett, if I
told you something,

would you promise
not to tell Pa that I told?

'Cause he told
me not to tell you.

And if you tell him I told,

well, there just ain't no
telling what he might do.

Near as I can sort out
the tells and the tolds,

I think I can promise.

Okay.

It ain't Jethro
I'm in love with.

It's big old Mel
Pratt back home.

Well, now, uh, tell me more

of what your pa
told you not to tell.

Well...

Let's have no more of
this running after other girls.

Ain't no boy can love two girls.

That leaves Essiebelle out.

She's about two
girls and a half.

Just mind your tongue, Jethro!

You take a girl for better or
worse when you marry her.

Yeah, but she got worse
before I got married!

Fetch him in, Lafe.

I'll look after Essiebelle.

Come on, boy, let's start
talking about this wedding.

Mr. Crick...

You call me "Daddy" now you're
marrying up with my daughter.

But, Mr. Crick, I don't think I
want to get married, to nobody.

I want to finish the sixth grade
so's I can be a brain surgeon.

Well, you should've
started thinking about that

before you wrote Essiebelle

them hot, steaming
letters full of love talk.

I don't remember no love talk.

You don't, huh?

Now, just how'd you
start them letters?

"Dear Essiebelle."

Well, ain't that love talk,
calling a woman "dear"?

If it is, I'm in trouble
with a lot of women.

Men, too.

Well, Lafe, I see you
fetched him back all right.

Now, Jethro, you get upstairs

and get packed for
your honeymoon.

Oh, but, Uncle Jed,
I don't want to get...

Go on, get up there,
do like I tell you.

Ah, yes, sir!

You're a good man, Jed. Fair.

I try to be.

What do you think of my
giving Jethro and Essiebelle

my house for a wedding present?

Oh.

That is fair.

That is really
what you call fair.

Course, it's, uh, just
a little two-room place,

but they'll make out.

(laughing)

Well, well, I-I ain't the
best at counting, Jed,

but I-I done totaled up 12
rooms since I been here.

Oh, I ain't talking
about this place.

I'm giving them my little
shack back in the hills.

You mean back to home?

Yeah, there's a half
acre of land goes with it.

Course, it's mostly
rocks and stumps,

but a couple of strong young'uns
like Jethro and Essiebelle

will have that thing
cleared in four, five years.

Is that all you're
gonna give 'em?

Oh, shucks no.

Essiebelle!

Fetch in that other
wedding present I give you.

ESSIEBELLE: Coming,
Daddy Clampett.

(chuckles)

That's better.

I always said you
was a generous man.

Why, just before I left home,
I-I said to Maudy, I said,

"Why, Jed Clampett's
a-a generous man.

Why, there's just
no telling what he..."

What-what-what...

What-what-what are
you doing with him?!

Daddy Clampett gave
him to Jethro and me

to take home with us.

You-you can't take
him home with you.

Why, folks is liable to
think he's my grandson.

Well, you could tell
them he's a monkey.

That ought to clear it up,
leastwise for some folks.

Jed,

you mean you ain't gonna
give the young'uns no money?

Oh, you bet I am.

Here you are, Essiebelle.

Here's a brand-new penny for you

to nail up over your cabin door.

Ain't nothing bring you
luck like a new penny.

Oh, thank you, Daddy Clampett.

Look, Pa, ain't it shiny?

You get that thing out of here.

Why, you'd be better off
marrying that Mel Pratt.

He's got a whole
acre and a nice cabin,

and he's got a sow
with a litter of pigs.

Now, just a minute there, Lafe.

Essiebelle was
promised to Jethro.

While we're on that subject,
let's have a look at her dowry.

Uh, I ain't got no
dowry, Daddy Clampett.

Yeah, you-you don't
want Jethro marrying

no girl without a dowry.

Now, Mel Pratt, he don't care.

He'll take her,
dowry or no dowry.

How soon's the wedding?!

I'm all ready to dance!

Ain't gonna be no
wedding, Granny.

I'm taking my Essie out of here.

Come on, Essiebelle.

Now, just a doggone minute.

I got all dressed up to
have a wedding dance,

now let's have at it.

But she's gonna marry Mel Pratt.

Don't bother me with details.

Let's get on with
the wedding dance.

(lively music playing)

I sure do love my
wedding presents

from the Clampetts,
Pa, don't you?

For a fact I do, daughter.

Always said you was
a generous man, Jed.

Forget it, Lafe.

All it's gonna cost
me is some cabbage.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would like ♪

♪ To thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back ♪

♪ Next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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