The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Giant Jackrabbit - full transcript

Granny takes on a kangaroo.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

You see, Duke, it's easy.

I just throw this
stick out yonder...

You pick it up
and fetch it back.

Okay. Now we'll do it again.

Go on, boy. Get it.

Fetch it, Duke.
Fetch it, fetch it.

All right, I'll show you.
Just once more, now.

You watch.

Catch on, Duke?

Catch on, boy?

Once more.

Fetch it, Duke.

Get it. Come on.

Come on, boy. Get it.

Shucks.

You know something, Uncle Jed?

That there is a real dumb dog.

Well, I don't think
he's so dumb, Jethro.

He just learned you how
to fetch sticks for him.

But the dog is the one that's
supposed to do the fetching.

Why, there's a fella
own the street that

has a dog that fetches
sticks for him all day.

Well, next time you
want some sticks fetched,

go down the street and
let that dog fetch them.

Ol' Duke don't care
nothing about it.

(muttering)

Jed, do you want
some vittles today?

I do, Granny.

I've worked up a
right smart appetite

fetching sticks for ol' Duke.

You see, Jed?

That's the trouble around here.

The critters are taking over.

Elly May has done made pets

out of everything but
my pickled turnips.

What are we
gonna do for vittles?

Hey, I remember something
Mr. Drysdale told us

when we first moved in here.

What's that?

He said anytime Granny

didn't feel like cooking,
there was some folks

that'd fetch food over to us.

Here in Beverly Hills?

Yes, ma'am. All you gotta do is

call them on the telephone
and tell them what you want.

Well, doggies.

That's mighty neighborly.

You recall their name, Jethro?

Let's see. Uh... Caterer.

Recall her first name?

It's a woman.

Beverly.

Beverly Caterer?

Must be a widow woman.

They's the best cooks, Jed.

They have more time.

Well, let's call up the widow

and see what
she's cooking today.

Now, just a minute, Jed.

I want it made clear

that I'm gonna do
something for her in return.

Oh, naturally. We
don't take charity.

Come on, Duke. Let's try again.

Oh, howdy, Miss Operator.

This here is Jed Clampett.

I'm wanting to call
a widow Caterer.

Beverly is her Christian name.

I don't rightly know what
her late husband was called.

Anyway, she's the
one that cooks the food

and takes it around to folks.

Yes, ma'am, that's
it... Beverly Caterer.

Oh... Caterers, is it?

More than one?

Looks like the widow's got
some young'uns to help her.

That's good, Jed.

Most times they leave
home, just when...

Uh... Well, thank you, ma'am.

(dialing)

What was that you
were saying, Granny?

I was saying that most time

the young'uns leaves home
just about the time that you're...

Well, howdy to you,
Miss Beverly Caterer.

This here is Jed Clampett.

Sounds like a right
friendly woman.

Howdy, Beverly.
This here is Granny.

I'm a widow myself,

and I was just saying to Jed,

it's nice when the young'uns
stay home to help you.

So many times they leave
just when you need them most.

I'll let you women folks
talk about the vittles,

but first I just want to say if
ever you need a fence mended

or a well dug or any
heavy work at all,

you just call on Jethro
and me. Now here's Granny.

Beverly, what you got on the
back of the stove this morning?

I don't I want to put
you to no extra trouble.

Huh?

Well, me, I'm partial
to baked possum,

but we'll take jowls
or fatback or sowbelly.

Any kind of meat will
pleasure us considerable.

What's that?

Bunch of nuts?

Well, you can send them
along, but I'll tell you right now,

the critters will get
the bulk of them.

Now tell me something
we can do for you, honey.

Do what?

Hello? Hello!

I declare, Jed, I
never knowed anybody

could turn nasty
quicker than her.

I wonder what set her off.

Hard to tell, Jed.

A generous woman like her

probably gets took
advantage of a lot.

And tired to boot, I reckon.

Uncle Jed, I can't
learn this dumb ol' dog

to fetch this stick.

Well, Duke ain't
about to waste his time

chasing a piece of
wood... He's a hunting dog.

Can I take him hunting, then?

I'd like to see him
chase something.

Praise be, that's a idea

that might put some
fresh meat on our table.

All right, boy, it
makes more sense

than fetching a stick,
especially to Duke.

You want to come along, Granny?

No. I'd better stay here
and guard my kitchen.

Okay. come on,
Duke, let's get the guns.

Guard your kitchen
against who, Granny?

Against Elly's
critters, that's who.

They's beginning to take over.

Why, I can't hardly...

That little rascal learned
to open the icebox.

Them's the last of
my pickled pawpaws.

Come back here,
you hairy little varmint.

Get your pawpaw picking
paws off of my pickled pawpaws!

Howdy, Miss Beverly.

It's me, Jed Clampett.

Sounds like you're in a
right friendly mood again.

Jethro's going out to shoot
us some fresh game meat.

The monkey got in the icebox,
and Granny's right upset.

Now, Beverly, could you spare
us a jar of pickled pawpaws?

What's that?

Why, Miss Caterer, I never...

Hello... Miss Caterer? Hello?

Hey, Uncle Jed?

Hey, that Miss
Caterer being a widow

and such a good
cook and friendly

and generous and all,

how about you courting her?

Get Elly a new ma, huh?

I don't think so, Jethro.

She's got a temper
goes off just like that,

and when it does,
she turns plumb nasty.

Matter of fact, I'm
beginning to wonder

whether Mr. Caterer
passed on natural or not.

Just an idea.

Come on, Duke.

How come you're
toting so many guns

and that shovel, Jethro?

Granny give me strict orders

not to come back empty-handed.

I'm ready for
anything that jumps,

flies, runs or digs
into the ground.

Good luck, boy.

Oh, Chief, thank
goodness you're back.

I didn't want to disturb
you at the meeting,

but your wife has
been calling frantically.

Oh, that woman gets
hysterical over nothing.

What's it now?

Well, it-it seems

there's a kangaroo
in your backyard.

You see? The
slightest little... What?!

Now, Chief, stay calm.

Wh-Wh... a kangaroo?
Where did it come from?

Australia.

That-that's the only
continent where...

Oh, I know that.

How did it get in my backyard?

Well, your wife was
rather incoherent,

but Ravenswood said it's

from the Second National
Bank of Melbourne.

Second National...

Oh, that's where Gene
Sandbloom was transferred to from.

(laughs)

That explains his
Christmas card.

May I share the humor
of the situation, Chief?

Well, I sent him
an alligator wallet,

so he said he was going to
send me a kangaroo pouch.

(laughing): Kangaroo pouch.

On the hoof, as it were.

Mr. Sandbloom does
have a sense of humor.

Yes, we'll have
the zoo pick it up.

I'll call Margaret.
(phone ringing)

Mr. Drysdale's office.

Oh, Ravenswood.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Good, I'll tell Mr. Drysdale.

Oh, and-and don't
worry about the kangaroo.

The zoo will take care of it.

Right. Cheerio.

Ravenswood has your
wife under sedation,

and she is resting comfortably.

Oh, good.

Here we are.

A bit of mutton and
Yorkshire pudding

should hit the spot.

You may be from Down Under,

but we're all part
of the Empire.

Oh, drat.

The zoo must have
already come for you.

♪ Oh, I'm gonna
cook up a rabbit stew ♪

♪ Soon as Jethro
shoots me one or two ♪

♪ Then we'll all sit
down to the table ♪

♪ And we'll eat
and we'll eat... ♪

How's it going, Granny?

Jed, has Jethro leaved
to go hunting yet?

Yep.

Well, he needn't have bothered.

There's a jackrabbit
out back that high.

(playing piano sloppily)

Now, you hold on, Jed Clampett.

I tell you I ain't
touched a drop

and there is a giant jackrabbit

out in our backyard
and it is this high.

Granny, you and me has
seen some good-sized jacks

in our day, but
not five foot tall.

Jed, there's a lot of
things we never seen

back home that we
is seeing out here.

And that's one of them:

a piano-playing,

icebox-opening,
pawpaw-pilfering ape.

All right, Granny.

I'll go take a look
at your jackrabbit.

(playing melody)

Come on, you can
see for yourself.

He can jump over
this house, I tell you.

In one hop!

Whereabouts is he?

I don't know, but sure
as I live and breathe,

he was sitting right there.

Five foot tall and
looking me in the eye.

Five foot tall sitting, was he?

Yes, he was.

Where did that jackrabbit go?

Well, uh, why don't
you look out front?

Maybe he hopped over
the house, just like you said.

You think I'm talking nonsense,

but you'll see
'cause I'll find him.

What's all the shouting
about, Granny?

Nothing.

Don't tell her, Jed.

I don't want her making
a pet out of all that meat.

Elly, go in the kitchen
and get out my biggest pot,

and start peeling
taters... lots of them!

Here, Jack. Here, Jack.

Here, Jack.

Who's Jack, Pa?

Never mind, Elly.

Just try to keep your critters

from pestering Granny.

You got her so upset,
she's got into her jug,

and now she's seeing visions.

What kind of visions?

Well, I reckon it's
all right to tell you.

Granny thinks she seed
a five-foot jackrabbit.

Howdy, Mr. Jackrabbit.

The weather's turned
off real nice, ain't it?

There's some mighty fine
clover out there on the lawn

if want to fatten up... uh,
I mean, if you're hungry.

Now, don't you go away.

There's somebody
I want you to meet.

I'll be right back.

Jed, Jed, come
a-runnin'! I found him!

Come quick! (loud bang)

Jed, Jed, I seen him again...

The giant jackrabbit!

I'll bet you did.

He's right out front!

Come on, I'll show him to you!

Maybe you'd better
lay down a spell.

No, no, he'll get away again!

All right, I'll take a look.

You see him, Jed?

I lost my glasses.

But he must be out
there somewhere.

Well, yeah, I see him.

Is he out on the
lawn eating clover?

Great big ol' pink jackrabbit.

Pink?!

Now don't get upset...
There's other colors, too.

There's a blue one,
there's a green one,

and here comes one
with purple polka dots.

Oh, I wish I could see them.

What's that you
say, Mr. Jackrabbit?

All right, I'll tell her.

He says he thinks you
ought to go in and lay down.

Yeah, I think I better had, Jed.

JETHRO: Well, howdy, Miss Jane.

Jethro... and Duke...
What a wonderful surprise.

But why do you look
so worried, noble beast?

'Cause I can't find no good
hunting place, that's why.

Granny gave me strict orders
to bring home some meat.

Jethro, food should
never be a problem

to people of your means.

There are markets,
supermarkets, caterers.

Uncle Jed called that
there Beverly Caterer.

He got mean-mouthed
something awful.

Mean-mouthed?

Yeah. He says she's the
nastiest-tempered woman

that ever answered a telephone.

Well, Mr. Drysdale
shall hear of this.

The bank has a substantial
interest in Beverly Caterers.

You wait here.

Well, howdy, Beverly.

This is Jed Clampett.

You're sounding
right pleasant again.

Now, wait, ma'am.

I ain't called to
ask for vittles.

It's just that
Granny's laying down

with a right smart headache.

I was wondering whether
you could fix her a poultice.

Tell her to do what?

Well, I don't hardly see how
that could help a headache.

Now wait a minute, ma'am,

don't go flying off the handle.

I just... Hello? Hello?

No two ways about it...

That woman has got a
temper like a wet hornet.

Hello, Beverly Caterers?

One moment, please.

Hello.

Have you spoken to a
Mr. Jed Clampett today?

Wha... What?

Now just a minute, young lady.

What is your name?

What do you mean Puddin' Tame?

Now you put
Mr. Tinsman on the phone

and tell him it's
Milburn Drysdale calling.

The nastiest-tempered
young woman I ever spoke to.

Jed!

Jed, come quick!

He's back again!

He ran outside there!

Go look! Quick, Jed!

Who's that, Granny?

The giant jackrabbit!

Oh, him again.

All right, where's the jug?

What jug?

The jug that rabbit
keeps coming out of.

The jug that gave
you that headache.

I ain't touched the jug.

I busted my head
running into them curtains.

Yeah, sure.

They'll do it all right.

Now, I got to catch
that giant jackrabbit.

Where's my shotgun?

Jethro's got it out hunting.

Well, then we got
to catch a snare

and put a snare out for him.

Granny, wouldn't you
rather lay back down

and let me bring you a
nice, big cup of black coffee?

Now I'm going to catch
that big giant jackrabbit

whether you help me
or not, and I don't care.

I'll help you, I'll help you.

All right, now you get
me a nice, big, stout rope

and put some bait in the snare.

Yeah, it'd take about
two dozen carrots

for a rabbit that size.

Now you're thinking straight.

Yeah, just took me awhile.

Ah, Jethro.

Restitution is
about to made. Yes.

Now give your Uncle
Jed a message from me...

Tell him that the young woman
who was so rude on the telephone

will arrive in person to
offer her abject apology.

Yes. And tell Granny she
needn't worry about food.

The young lady will
also bring with her

a truckful of delicious,
piping-hot viands

and an assortment
of tasty beverages,

all of which will be offered
at your pleasure. Yes.

Have I anything else
to say, Miss Hathaway?

No, no, Chief, I
think you've said it all.

That sure is going to make
Uncle Jed and Granny happy.

Thank you, Mr. Drysdale.

Not at all. Glad... to do it.

Jethro...

don't you think you
should reward me

for my efforts?

Well... all I got with me

is a nickel and two pennies,

but you can have that.

There are other ways for
a handsome, young man

to reward the young lady.

They is?

Yes. Tell me, do
you enjoy kissing?

Well, I like to kiss girls.

Well, then...

I'm going to close
my eyes, and...

I want you to enjoy yourself.

Go ahead, Jethro,
enjoy yourself.

I am. I am.

Get out of here,
you shameless vixen!

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Come on, Duke.

Thank you for the kiss.

No, I...

Out.

Now let's see...

If I was to tie another rope

onto the bottom of that limb,

pull it down...

and then take my loop
and put some carrots in it...

Howdy, Mr. Jackrabbit.

Would you like to
step into my kitchen?

You ain't gonna get
away from me again,

I can tell you that.

Now, are you going
to come peaceable,

or do I have to
take you by force?

Jed, Jed, come a-runnin'!

Come a-runnin'! He's back!

Quieten down, Granny.

What's the matter now?

The giant jackrabbit...
I had him cornered,

but he fist fought me.

Fist fought you?

Yes, he did.

Now you go outside and
belt him upside the jaw.

Granny, where are
you hiding them jugs?

♪ Oh, I'm gonna
cook up a rabbit stew ♪

♪ And one giant rabbit
will more than do... ♪

Granny, you don't
have to do no cooking.

Well, like I said, that
there Beverly Caterer's

going to bring over
a whole truckload

of viands and beverages.

I ain't depending on nobody
with a temper as bad as hers.

Besides, I don't
need her viands.

For the next couple of weeks,

we're going to be
eating high on the rabbit.

Where'd you get all the rabbits?

One rabbit, Jethro.

One rabbit?

He must be a whopper.

Remember those
big mountain jacks

we used to see back home?

Yeah.

I seen me a jackrabbit

that could put a pair of them

in his pocket.

In his pocket?

Sure.

He stands five feet tall,
and he has a pocket right...

You don't believe me, do you?

Oh, yes, I do, Granny.

No, you don't.

Oh, Granny, sure I do.

No, you don't.

All right, I don't believe you.

How dast you call me a liar!

Now, Granny...

When I tell you
something I mean it!

Mr. Tinsman, do I have to
face Mr. Clampett all by myself?

Yes, you do.

You're the one who
insulted him on the phone.

And you're the one he'll
expect an apology from.

But he talked like a nut.

Miss Billington, a man
as rich as Mr. Clampett

may talk like an eccentric,
but never like a nut.

Okay. I sure hope
he'll forgive me.

He'll forgive you.

If he's anywhere
between 15 and 95,

he'll forgive you.

I'll take the food
round to the kitchen.

Uh, is Mr. Clampett at home?

I'm Jed Clampett.

Come right in.

This little fella
don't say much,

but he's right smart.

Mr. Clampett, I'm
here to apologize

about the way I spoke to you
on the telephone earlier today.

Oh, you're, uh...
Beverly Caterers.

Yes, sir.

Well, you're a deal
younger than I figured.

Heap prettier, too.

Thank you.

I'm awfully sorry about losing
my temper when you called.

Oh, now, now, I understand.

Woman works hard all day
cooking, doing for others,

young'uns hanging on her
apron, she gets a might waspish.

And you not having
a husband to help.

Yes, that's right, I
don't have a husband.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

How many young'uns you got?

Young'uns?

Helping with the cooking and
fetching over to your place?

Oh, help.

Uh, well, let's see... Seven.

Seven?

Why, you must be from
our part of the country.

Got started young, didn't you?

Well, come on. Granny
will be wanting to meet you.

She's out in the kitchen.

I got you, you big,
overgrown rascal.

Now you're coming
into the house.

I'm showing you to Jed.

And then you're
going into the stew.

That's where you're going.

(knocking)

Oh, that's Mr. Tinsman
at the back door.

He's my boss.

Come in, come in.

I'm Jed Clampett.

A real pleasure, Mr. Clampett.

I'm Bill Tinsman.

I hope everything has
been straightened out,

and that Beverly Caterers will
always be welcome in your home.

Why, you bet your life.

This is a mighty
fine, young woman.

She says you're her boss.

That is right.

I own Beverly Caterers.

The dickens you say.

Can you do that out here?

Why, of course.

Oh, Mr. Drysdale
holds a small mortgage,

but as soon as that's paid off,

she's all mine.

If that don't take
the ham off the hog.

GRANNY: Jed! Jed!

Now, Jed, you can see
I ain't been at no jug.

Now, these folks
is Beverly Caterers

and Bill Tinsman.

They's the ones
does all the cooking.

I hope we can cook
for you, Granny.

You can commence with this one.

I caught him... Now
you can cook him.

Why, you little varmint.

You untied my giant jackrabbit.

Giant jackrabbit?

Yes, my giant jackrabbit.

That's what I wanted
you to cook for me.

He stands about five foot tall,

has brown eyes and
a pocket right here.

Now don't you go away.

I'll go get him for you.

Granny, wait a minute, wait...

We be back directly.

You all go in the parlor

and let the little fella
play piano for you.

(chattering)

You say eccentric?

I still say nuts.

I say you're right.

Let's get out of here.

I don't understand it.

He was free... why
should he return?

Something must
have frightened him.

I'll say, if he prefers
this crate to freedom.

What could it have been?

GRANNY: Hello over there!

Yes, Granny, what is it?

GRANNY: You see
anything of a jackrabbit?

No, we haven't.

You won't find any jackrabbits

in Beverly Hills, Granny.

I'll telephone the zoo, sir.

I say there's a giant jackrabbit
around here someplace,

and I'm gonna find him if
it's the last thing I ever do.

Sure you are, Granny.

Now come in and lay down.

I'm going to get that
nice Beverly Caterers

to make a poultice
for your head.

Granny, Granny, you caught
something in your snare.

See, Jed, what did I tell you?

What did she catch, Elly?

Jethro.

Hey, Uncle Jed, cut me down!

JETHRO: Uncle Jed!

Cut me down!

Hey, Uncle Jed!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality. ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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