The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 15 - A Man for Elly - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

This enough 'taters, Uncle Jed?

Don't hardly look it, Jethro.

Well, I peeled pretty
near two dozen.

Better fetch me the peelings.

I got a feeling that's
where most of the taters is.

Yes, sir.

Mm, doggies.

How's it taste, Uncle Jed?

Pitiful.

Maybe them peelings will help.

Dump 'em in.

Doggone, it just don't seem
right... us doing women's work,

while Granny sets in
front of that TV set all day.

Ever since she found out it
wasn't a washing machine

she ain't been more than
three feet away from it.

She's like a young'un
with a new toy.

Like Elly with her new critter.

How come she ain't in
here doing this cookin'?

Jethro, I just don't believe

Elly was cut out
for fixing vittles.

Never forget the time she
made that gooseberry pie.

Ruined our best goose and
a whole bucket of berries.

You mean, she put together...?

Yes, she did.

And it was a mess I'll tell you.

I got her and Skipper
out looking for stuff

to put in this here.

ELLY: Pa, Skipper
found some onions.

Onions? Hey, they
ought to go dandy in here.

Go on, Skipper, give 'em to Pa.

Thank you, Skipper.

These here Beverly Hills
onions ain't got a lot of bite to 'em.

But the tops sure
do flower out pretty.

Jethro...

wash these and
drop 'em in the pot.

Tops and all?

Yeah. We need all
the flavor we can get.

Where'd you find them, Elly?

Over to the Drysdales'.

Did you ask the Drysdales
could you borrow some onions?

Well, yes, sir, Pa.

Mrs. Drysdale says go
around to the kitchen door

and get some from the cook.

But Skipper found
some on the way,

and we didn't have
to bother nobody.

Fine and dandy.

Drop 'em in the pot, Jethro.

Don't just stand
there sniffing 'em.

Would you like some more?

They's a whole big patch of 'em.

A few more might help, Elly.

That stew ain't got
too much going for it.

Come on, Skipper, let's go
pull up some more onions.

How's it going, boy?

Better?

Still pitiful.

Even these onions
ain't doing nothing.

Just got to get
Granny to help us.

You ain't gonna pry her
loose from that TV set now.

This is the time
her favorite is on.

You mean that big,
strapping cowboy star?

That's right,
Marshal Quirt Manly...

Two-gun tamer of the Wild West.

Look out, Quirt!

Them rustlers are
sneaking up behind you.

Fixing to shoot you in the back.

Look out!

Oh, they got ya.

Oh, they got ya again.

(gunfire)

Oh, you're done for now, Quirt.

That's it, you dirty cowards.

Ride off and leave him
with a back full of bullets.

Attaboy, Quirt. After 'em.

Get 'em.

Catch 'em, Quirt.

I can tell you where
they's headed, Quirt.

To town to hide in the saloon.

Granny... Shh.

It won't do you no good
to hide in that saloon,

ya dirty, yellow cowards.

Quirt will find ya.

He'll get ya.

Granny, I... Shh.

Yonder comes Quirt...
Riding like the wind.

That's it, Quirt.

That's where they
are. Go get 'em.

It won't do you no good
to hide in that saloon.

I told Quirt where to look.

Say your prayers,
yellow bellies.

I'm coming in.

Is he gonna tackle that
whole saloon full of bad men

all by hisself?

You betcha.

Quirt Manly don't need no help.

Even with 30 or
40 bullets in him,

he's more than a match for...

Shh. He's lightin' into 'em.

See, Jed?

I told you he
didn't need no help.

Look at 'em run...
The yellow bellies.

He's right smart
of a man, all right.

Ol' Quirt chased
'em clean out of town.

Next time I won't
go so easy on ya.

Yes, sir, Granny, he sure is

a rip-snortin'
fighter, ol' Quirt.

(horse whinnying)

Well, looky yonder.

Now he's fixing
to rassle his horse.

No, no, Jed.

After a fight he always
hugs ol' Silver Trigger.

(voice breaking): And then
he rides off into the sunset.

See? There they go.

JED: Fine figure of a man.

Sets tall in the saddle.

Well, don't he
have no sweetheart

like Hoot Gibson always has?

No. Ain't no girl good
enough for Quirt Manly.

He only loves his
horse... and his dog.

Him and Elly'd sure hit it off.

Both of them being
fond of critters,

and neither one of them
having a sweetheart.

Yonder goes the
man for Elly May.

If he can tame the
whole Wild West,

I reckon he can
tame one wild girl.

Leastwise he'd have
a fighting chance.

Whereabouts would a
fella go to find ol' Quirt?

Off into the sunset, I reckon.

That's where they always go.

Mighty big place to
commence looking.

Sorry, Skipper, must you
must not uproot Mrs. Drysdale's

prize bulbocodium vernum.

That's the botanical
term for daffodils.

Now, if you're a
good boy... Oh-oh.

If you're a good boy,
Jane has a reward for you.

A genuine Quirt
Manly cowboy outfit.

I'm glad you like it.

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.

Greetings, Jethro.

And how is my strong,
handsome, manly hero today?

Oh, you'll have to ask Granny.

She's the one that watches him.

Watches who?

Quirt Manly.

Oh, you thought I was
referring to the television star.

(banging)

Oh, I know you're
hungry, Skipper.

So am I, but this stew
ain't nearly ready yet.

Stew? Jethro, what
are you putting in there?

Everything I can
lay my hands on.

Ain't got no flavor at all.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Jethro!

Not tea.

Oh, you poor, dear boy.

You need a woman to
do this kind of work for you.

That's a fact. You
can say that again.

There happens to be
such a woman available.

I know, but I don't stand
much chance with her.

Would you like her
to take over right now

and prepare you a
delicious meal, hmm?

I sure would.

Then drop to your
knees, my handsome man,

and ask me the question
that is in your heart.

Please, will you go get Granny?

Yes! My answer is... Granny?!

Jethro, get up off that
floor and stir the stew.

Hi, Miss Jane.

Will you stay and
have vittles with us...

Such as they is?

Well, yes, but why
not let me do...?

ELLY: Hey, Skipper.

Come on, Skipper, let's
swing through the trees.

Elly, what are you doing?

We's playin' ape.

Looky here.

Elly, no, please. Be careful.

(Tarzan yell)

Sure would like to know
where to find that Quirt Manly.

If you mean the television star,

he lives right here
in Beverly Hills.

(Tarzan yell) He does?

Could we get him to
meet up with Elly May?

I'm sure Mr. Drysdale
could arrange it.

(Tarzan yell)

I sure wish he'd hurry.

That little monkey's
liable to get hisself hurt.

(vehicle approaching)

I see you got some vittles.

Oh, yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Told the fella down at the store
about Granny watching TV all day

instead of cooking... So
he sold me these TV vittles.

All packaged up
and ready to eat.

That's fine.

Now when Quirt Manly gets here,

we got something
else to offer him

besides that pitiful stew.

Is Quirt Manly coming here?

That's right.

And I want you to get
the truck around back

so when he rides up here
his horse won't shy at it.

Well, yes, sir!

And see your gun's cleaned good.

We'll ask him to give
us some shootin' lessons.

But we know how to shoot.

Not like that rascal.

Granny says he can drop
seven, eight rustlers with one shot.

Ooh, ooh!

That ain't all.

He's got a couple six-shooters

that shoot all day
without reloading.

I can't wait to
meet that rascal.

(crowd cheering on TV)

What are they
scrapping over, Granny?

A little leather pouch
no bigger than that.

What's in it?

Don't know.

But there's 22 men
tearing each other apart

trying to get it.

Mighty big crowd sitting
there watching 'em.

But not one of them
has lifted a finger

to stop that terrible fight.

(whistle blowing)

That little fella in the striped
shirt seems to be trying.

Aw, him?

He keeps blowing a
whistle and hopping around.

The minute he turns his back

they line up and go
to scrapping again.

Granny, Mr. Clampett,

Quirt Manly just turned
into your driveway.

Quirt Manly!

Yes, I knew Mr. Drysdale
could arrange it.

Quirt could whup the
whole bowl full of ya.

Come on, Granny, Miss Jane.

You find Elly May and
get her into a dress.

(sound of horse
neighing, two gunshots)

That's Quirt all right.

I'd know Silver
Trigger's neigh any place.

What about them two gunshots?

Brace yourself, Jed.

We're liable to find
30 or 40 rustlers

laying out front.

(sound of horse
neighing, two gunshots)

Don't shoot, Quirt!
We ain't rustlers!

We's friends, Mr. Manly.

That we is.

How come you ain't
riding Silver Trigger?

Did them dirty rustlers get him?

We'll help you find him.

But I ain't no Quirt Manly.

Jed, there's only
one man like him.

Why, he's the
biggest, the bravest,

the fightin'-est, the strongest,

the hard-ridin'-est

and the straight-
shootin'-est man alive!

(high-pitched voice): Are
you people puttin' me on?

Who said that?

Somebody back here?

Was that you who
spoke, Mr. Manly?

(lowering voice): Oh, oh, yeah,
why, why, sure it was. Heh-heh.

Uh, I got a sore throat.

Sometimes the voice
just sneaks out that way.

Come on in,
Quirt... I'll doctor ya.

Ain't got the time,
ma'am, ain't got the time.

Still, I... I'll autograph a
couple of pictures for you

before I go.

(stamping)

There you are.

Well, so long, now.

I got to be drivin'
off into the sunset.

Wait a minute, uh,
what about Elly May?

Elly May?

Why, sure.

There you are.

HATHAWAY: Mr. Clampett!

Elly May is swinging
through the trees with Skipper

and refuses to come down!

I'll go fetch her down if you
can keep Mr. Manly from leaving.

Please don't go, Quirt.

Well, sorry, ma'am,
but got to hit the trail.

Well, so long, y'all.

Uh, h-hold on there, Mr. Manly.

My boss, Mr. Drysdale,
has been speaking

with your boss, the sponsor,

and he wants you to stay
here and meet Elly May.

Oh, well, in that case, I...

I reckon I could spare
a couple of moments.

Bless ya, Quirt!

Oh, bless ya, Quirt!

Elly May is the wildest young'un

that ever come
down from the hills!

But if there's one man
alive who can tame her,

it's big Quirt Manly!

Why, thank you, ma'am.

What a man.

Thank you.

I wish I was ten years younger.

(laughs)

I tell you right now,

I'd give that Elly May
a run for her money.

I always was
partial to tall men.

Come on, Quirt.

You and me are gonna
heft a jug together.

Oh, I know you don't
drink, but it won't hurt you

to fall off the wagon just once.

(laughs)

Elly May, I don't want no
more arguments from you.

You get up them back stairs
and change into a dress.

Well, why can't I wear cowboy
clothes like Quirt Manly?

Because a man like Manly
wants a woman that's womanly.

Now, get!

Well, Jethro, did you...

What are you
pouring into the stew?

Cornmeal... it
gives it some body.

Now, you set down and
make yourself to home

while I run upstairs
and fetch Elly May.

If you want to see a
real rip-snortin' fight,

turn on the TV.

There's 22 fellers are havin' a
real knockdown and drag-out.

'Course, you could
whup 'em with one hand.

(cackling)

(gasps, exhales)

(groans)

You look lovely, Elly
May, simply lovely.

Here.

(chuckles)

I'll go the back way
and get your father.

Yonder he sets... that's him,

with the broad
shoulders and hat.

Sets tall in the
chair, don't he?

Sure does, Granny.

Wait'll he stands up.

Your heart will jump
right into your mouth.

Mr. Manly, this
here is Elly May.

(high-pitched): Howdy do?

Glad to make your acquaintance.

Jed! Jed...!

What is it, Granny? The rustlers
must've jumped Quirt whilst we were out!

Look! Look!

We got to catch 'em, Granny.

They done run off with
the best part of him.

Now, uh, Granny, I know
you've had a cruel blow,

seeing your hero
come apart like that

right in front of your eyes,

but you can't drown
your sorrows in a jug.

I don't take more
than a thimbleful,

and you know it!
Now, don't fly off at me.

By the way, where is
your drinkin' thimble?

Right here.

Granny, uh, how about we
all take a nice ride in the truck?

Little fresh air might
do you some good

after a thimbleful of
that rheumatiz medicine.

I ain't had none of it yet.

I don't want to lighten the jug.

How come? 'Cause...

when I find that Quirt Manly,
I'm gonna throw it at him!

Now, Granny.

Gee, that's the first
time I've ever seen

a swimmin' chicken.

Shucks, that's nothing.

I got a cat that swims, too.

And a rooster that plays dead,

a dog that climbs trees, and
a turkey that shakes hands.

My goodness! I just
love animals like these.

That is, the little ones.

Big animals, like
horses, kind of scare me.

But you ride like
the wind on TV.

Oh, that's not me, Elly
May; that's my double.

He does my ridin',
shootin', fightin',

fallin' off cliffs and
things like that.

I have another double who
does the deep voice for me.

I call him my "double double."

What do you do, Mr. Manly?

Oh, please, Elly
May, call me Henry.

That's my real name, you see.

I'm only on the show because
my father's the sponsor.

They just use me for close-ups.

They say I have a sincere face.

You've got a nice face.

I like it.

Oh, thank you, Elly May.

I like your face, too.

And now that I come to
think of it, I like the rest of you.

Did you notice that
that rhymed? Yeah.

Well, that's what
I really like to do...

Make up poems
for girls like you.

Well, there goes
another one right there!

They just pop
out of me at times.

Would you like me to make
up a poem about a raccoon?

I sure would, and
Elmer would, too.

Very well.

I like the raccoon because

he so filled with
goodness and generosity.

Well, look how he
gives us his skin

for use on our garments
and other apparel.

In addition,
raccoons act natural

and don't put on
airs, as do skunks

and old turnips.

Cheer up, Granny; there's
someone here to see you.

(chuckles) Whee!

Well, I don't want to see him.

He reminds me of Quirt Manly.

Though he's a
heap more of a man.

Handles a gun a
heap better, too.

He's the one that
ought to be on TV.

Hi, Elly May. Hey,
excuse me, little feller,

can you tell me where I
could find Mr. Quirt Manly?

I noticed you was
totin' his hat for him.

Well, this here is
Quirt Manly, Jethro.

Stop joking, Elly
May... I'm in a hurry.

I want to ask him if I
can borrow his pretty car

to drive around the
block a couple times.

Well, yes, you may, Jethro.

The car belongs to my father.

So it's all right. Yahoo!
Hey, do you think

he'd tear me to pieces if
I borrowed his hat, too?

I can promise you he won't.

(giggles) Hot diggety dog!

Yee-haw!

Mr. Manly, could I have
a word with you, please?

I know what you're
gonna say, Mr. Clampett,

and-and I don't blame
you for wanting to shoot me.

Oh, it ain't nothing
like that at all.

I just want to talk
to you about Granny.

Guess I must've been a
terrible disappointment to her.

She is a mite let
down, but I think

we can pull her out of
it if we all tug together.

Now, first off, I'm gonna
learn you how to shoot a gun,

and Elly here is gonna
learn you how to fight.

I'm afraid of guns, but...

I might like learning to fight.

Whoo-hoo!

(sound of horse
neighing, two gunshots)

(engine starts, sound
of horse neighing)

(sound of two
gunshots, tires squealing)

(sound of horse
neighing, two gunshots)

Ma'am, you hadn't ought
to jumped in the car like that,

especially with me going
pretty near 30 miles an hour.

I'd do anything to sit
next to Quirt Manly.

But my name ain't Quirt Manly.

Don't think you can fool me...
I've seen you on television,

and I've dreamed of the day
when I could get close enough

to throw my arms
around you and kiss you,

my darling Quirt.

But honest, ma'am, my name is...

(sound of horse
neighing, two gunshots)

Your name is what?

My name is Quirt Manly!

(bell clanging)

Whew!

Don't fight over me, girls.

There's plenty for everybody.

I tell you, Granny, that
little feller is a crack shot.

He can stand on our front
porch and light a match

clean out by the front
gate, with a six-shooter.

I don't believe it!

Come on out... he'll show you.

Jed tells me you're pretty good

with them six-shooters.

Granny, he's a
blue-tailed marvel.

He's gonna whip out them
guns and bam, bam, bam,

light them three matches
stuck in the ground

down there this
side of the wall.

I'll believe it when
I see it. All right.

Where are you going? Oh,
I can't bear to watch him.

He puts me plumb to shame.

Well, commence shootin'.

Y-You count to three,
and I'll draw and fire.

One, two, three.

(three gunshots)

Well, I got to admit,
that's pretty good...

Why, you ain't even
drawed your gun,

you little faker, you!

(unintelligible shouting)

Granny, hold on there!

Get that little sawed-off
faker out of here!

But-but Elly's
right fond of him.

See, Granny, some
heroes is fighters,

and some heroes is lovers,

and I reckon that
little cowboy is a lover.

Hogwash! I'm
gonna get my shotgun

and blast the inside
out of that lyin' TV set,

and if he ain't gone
by then, he's next!

Now, Granny, wait!

(sound of horse
neighing, two gunshots)

Hey, Uncle Jed,
lookie what I got!

Jethro, where'd you
get all these girls?

Well, they think
I'm a rich TV star.

Say, uh, if you girls
cotton to money,

I'll show you how you can
divide up that whole roll.

(women talking excitedly)

He's a little
cowboy inside there.

All you got to do is go in there
and make a big fuss over him

and take on about
how cute he is.

Will you do it? Sure!

(women talking excitedly)

Come on. Come on.

Here we go.

Hey, b-but, Uncle Jed,
them girls was mine!

You'll get 'em back, Jethro,
as soon as they show Granny

what a ladies'
man little Quirt is.

GRANNY: Jed!

Jed, the house is
swarming with girls!

Yeah, and you see who
they's all crazy about?

You betcha... he's a
real star, that little feller!

(women all talking)

Girls!

You got the wrong little cowboy!

Wait...

Now, Granny...

(gunshot) Don't
shoot the TV set!

I ain't!

(gunshot)

(Quirt whimpers)

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.