The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 14 - Christmas at the Clampetts - full transcript

A Beverly Hills Christmas presents challenges for the Clampetts -- and for Mr. Drysdale, whose "clever strategy" for keeping the Clampetts in coastal California is to give them a number of ...

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Whew, doggies,
ain't that a pretty tree?

Prettiest I ever did see.

JETHRO: Mr. Drysdale
and Miss Jane said

they was gonna surprise us,

and they sure enough did.

What you lookin' for, Granny?

Lookin' for the
hole in the roof.

What hole in the roof?

The hole in the roof
that snow come from.

Well, looky yonder...

It's all over the tree
and all over the floor.

Elly, you sweep it up
before it gets to meltin'

and gets everything soggy.

Jethro, you climb up on the roof

and patch the hole
that it come through.

I don't think this
is snow at all.

It ain't cold and it don't melt.

Why I bet you this is what
they call artificial snow.

I don't care what you call it.

Get up on the roof and
patch the hole it come through.

I reckon Jethro means
this Beverly Hills snow

ain't the kind that
falls down from the sky.

That's right.

You just throw this
around by hand.

Pitiful place, pitiful.

Don't even know how
to snow proper out here.

Now, Granny,
Christmas ain't no day

to go lambasting
Beverly Hills again.

Hey, everybody,
let's open a present.

Yeah! Come on, Granny!

Oh, put me down, you big...!

Ow!

Hey, Elly May, this one's
to you from Miss Jane.

Listen to this.

"To Elly May, so sweet and fair,

use this gift to have dry hair."

Sounds like it's gonna rain.

Hey, Jethro, this
one here's for you.

Elly, too.

Hey, it's from
Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale.

What do you think's in it?

There's one way to find out.

Open it, huh?

(Elly whistles)

Look it, Pa, it's a hat.

My, ain't that pretty.

Feels like a rain hat.

Yeah, this will sure
enough keep my hair dry

when I'm walking in the rain.

What's this hose
for in the back?

Well, I reckon that's
to let the water drain off.

Hey, Uncle Jed...

Look what I got... A
brand-new suit of clothes.

Looks like it's
made out of rubber.

A fella sure could
keep dry in this rascal.

I guess for walking in
the rain, like Elly's hat.

I reckon these go on my feet.

Be kind of awkward
walking in these.

I tell you what, Jethro,

why don't you put the whole
thing on, we'll see how it looks.

Hey, yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

What you got there, Granny?

Near as I can figure, it's one
them electric washing machines

like we got out back.

Only this one's got a
clothes drying rack on it.

A lot fancier than
that other machine.

So dag-blamed
fancy I can't figure out

how to get the clothes in it.

Let's see now...

You got a knob here marked "On."

Let's turn that and
see what happens.

A lot quieter than
the other one.

I don't think it's
working, Granny.

Don't hardly see how it could.

No way to put water in it.

Wait, it's lighting up.

Looky yonder!

It's done got water in it.

Got more than water in it.

Look at that.

There's fish in there.

Elly May.

I didn't see it.

Jed! Jed!

Jed, come and
shut this thing off!

Quick!

What'd you see?

I ain't tellin'.

But one thing's certain...

I ain't gonna wash none
of our clothes in there

until that water's been changed.

Who give us the pretty
washing machine, Pa?

The Drysdales.

Oh, Elly, did you get
Mrs. Drysdale's present?

Sure did. I'll fetch it.

What's that girl
got on her head?

Oh, that's her new rain hat.

Miss Jane give it to her.

I thought it wasn't supposed
to rain out here much.

Here it is.

What kind of a varmint is that?

It's what Mrs. Drysdale wants
most of all for Christmas...

A mink.

(squealing)

Elly May, Mrs. Drysdale
especially wanted

a full-length mink.

This one fill the bill?

Yes, sir. It's as
long as they come.

I know the answer to this,

but I'm going to
ask you anyway...

You didn't by any chance
steal this critter, did you?

No, sir.

Well, I know'd you hadn't,

but Mrs. Drysdale
made such a point of it.

She said she didn't
want no mink stole.

Ah... Oh!

Milburn!

Just what I
wanted most of all...

A full-length mink.

I'm glad you like it, dear.

Well, now I've got to
dash over the Clampetts

before they go outside
and discover their boat.

Their what?

We gave them a
boat for Christmas...

Among other things.

And I had the boat
company deliver it

and put it right in
front of their door.

Oh, Ravenswood,
is Skipper dressed?

Very nearly, sir.

A boat and a skipper?

Isn't that overdoing it?

All part of a very clever
strategy, Margaret.

Now if I can get Jed
hooked on sailing,

Jethro and Elly
May on skin diving

and Granny on deep-sea fishing,

they'll never want
to go back to the hills.

Those are things you
can't do without an ocean.

But, Milburn, I don't
want them to stay here.

But, Margaret, I do.

Now, you don't get coats
like that with bottle caps.

And just for insurance, I
gave them a television set.

That's something else they
can't get back in the hills.

Skipper is ready, sir.

Here he is, sir.

Why, it's a ape.

Oh, no, it's a chimp.

And Elly May will
be crazy about it.

Oh, I hope so, sir.

I would not like to add
to my regular duties,

the daily grooming and
dressing of an... anthropoid.

(chattering)

Well, let's take him next door.

We'll put him on the boat,
ring the doorbell and run.

Yes, sir.

Madam.

After you, sir.

Looks like an
over-growed tadpole.

Looky, I got one
like Jethro, too.

Whoo, sure is hot in this thing.

I reckon it was meant to
be wore mostly in the rain.

How come the
Drysdales are giving us

so much rain stuff when it
ain't supposed to rain out here?

Maybe they know
something we don't, Granny.

Well, I'm gonna
get out of this thing.

(doorbell ringing)

There goes that rascal
playing the music again.

You think he'd learn
something new for Christmas.

I think I heard
somebody drive off.

Maybe it's the fella
that plays the music.

Well, we can't begrudge
him taking Christmas day off.

Granny, you recollect
hearing it rain last night?

No.

How about you, Elly?

No, sir, I didn't hear.

Well, we must have slept
through a regular cloudburst.

What you mean?

What I mean is, that
some time during the night

somebody sailed a
boat up our driveway.

How do you reckon anybody
could sail a boat up here?

I don't see no high
water mark on the house.

Well, if there was no water,

they must have got
caught in a heap of wind.

Elly May, fetch Jethro out here.

I'm gonna need help
moving this thing.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Well, whoever done this
was a mighty poor sailor.

Well, Granny, maybe he was just
celebrating a mite too much last evening.

Let's face it, he was
drunk as a skunk.

Maybe he's still in there.

Granny, we don't want to
mean-mouth that sailor too much.

If I looked like that, I
might take to drink myself.

Great clouds of blue gnats.

That's the hairiest,
ugliest sailor I ever did see.

Shh, Granny.

We don't want to
hurt his feelings.

He might have got lost at sea

and hasn't had a
chance to shave.

Come on out. You're safe.

We'll help you.

Yeah, don't be afraid.
You're on dry land now.

You're among friends.

He ain't coming out.

Maybe he don't
understand our kind of talk.

Maybe he ain't American.

I hope he ain't.

He's no bigger than this
and bowlegged to boot.

By doggies, I'm glad he
ain't one of our boys, too.

If that's a sample of
what's running our navy,

our country's in for a
whole heap of trouble.

Come on out, sailor boy.

We'll give you some vittles.

Maybe we got to
talk sailor talk to him.

Do you know any sailor talk?

I heard some.

Let's see... uh...

Hoist your landlubber and
starboard your anchor out of there.

That ought to get him.

He ain't budging.

Yonder it is, Jethro.

Hot diggity dog,
is this ship our'n?

No, I think it's wood.

(knocking)

There's a little
sailor boy in there.

He looks like a monkey!

Shh. Jethro, don't
say things like that.

He don't want to
come out as it is.

Hey...

Why that there's what
you call a chimpanzee.

Thank goodness he
ain't an American boy.

I'll go fetch him out.

I reckon if anybody can make a
sailor leave his boat it's Elly May.

Jethro, you'd best
go along with her.

From the looks of him,

he's been to sea a
powerful long time.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

Oh, come on, Margaret, hurry up.

I'm coming, Milburn.

Who are we going to drop in on?

The Art Linkletters'
the George Burns'

the Jack Bennys'?

The Jed Clampetts'.

I refuse to go
slumming on Christmas.

Well, suit yourself.

Oh, I understand they have
a sensational gift for you.

Oh? What is it?

Who knows?

With their millions, it
could be the Hope Diamond.

Well, it is the
season of good will.

Come along, dear.

Hey, Granny, is
vittles about ready?

I'm hungry.

Be ready in a minute.

Where's your Uncle Jed?

He's still outside puzzlin' over
what to do with that there boat.

Well, go sit at
the table and wait.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, you don't expect me to
sit at the same table with him?

Why not?

Well, he's a chimpanzee.

I don't care what
country he's from.

He's hungry, and he's
welcome at my table.

Did he wash his hands
nice and clean, Elly?

Yes, ma'am.

Show Granny your hands.

Ah, that's just dandy.

Did you like your grits
and jowls, little sailor boy?

He don't talk much, but
he has a right friendly smile.

Keelhaul, scuttlebutt!

Douse the jib, poopso!

Howdy there,
Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale.

Merry Christmas to you.

Same to you.

And many, many more.

I'm sorry about this boat kind
of blockin' the driveway here.

It was sailed up
there last night

by a little critter
called a chimpanzee.

No, no, no, the
chimpanzee didn't do it.

He's a present for Elly May.

From Milburn and me.

We know how fond
the dear girl is of critters.

Well, thank you very much.

I had the boat put
there, Mr. Clampett.

It's a gift for you.

From Milburn and me.

We know how fond you
are of outdoorsy things.

Yes. Oh, by the way,

you'll find a trailer for
the boat in your garage.

Trailer?

From Milburn and me.

We know how fond
you... Margaret.

It has wheels.

You can put the boat on it

and haul it any
place you'd like to go.

Well, we sure are obliged for
all the nice things you give us.

We got a mighty nice present
for you, too, Mrs. Drysdale.

How big?

I mean, how nice.

Well, speakin' of size, Elly
May says it's the biggest there is.

Oh, you shouldn't have done it.

We shouldn't?

Well, we could
always take it back.

Oh, no, no, no.

That was just an expression.

Like, "diamonds are
a girl's best friend."

Margaret... why
don't you go on in?

There's some
features of the boat

I'd like to point
out to Mr. Clampett.

Yes, dear.

(giggling): See you later.

(banjo playing "Jingle Bells")

(water crashing)

Well...

it's working
beautifully, isn't it?

I guess so.

Where all the water coming from?

From Lake Erie.

Where's it goin'?

Lake Ontario.

I hope it don't flood
our house on the way.

Oh, Granny, you're so droll.

Uh, Mr. Clampett tells
me you have a gift for me.

You betcha we have.

Elly May's got it out
back playin' with it.

Oh, my goodness, I
hope she doesn't lose it.

Oh, no, no, she's
got it on a chain.

Oh, well, let's hurry anyway.

All right.

You beat me eatin' bananas.

But you got to admit, I
whupped you eatin' grits.

And I'll bet you I can
beat you drinkin' milk, too.

First, I got to rest a mite.

Jethro...

you and Skipper run out
back and fetch Elly May.

Tell her Mrs. Drysdale's
here for her present.

Yes'm, Granny.

Well, howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.

Hello, Jethro, dear boy.

Hello, little sailor.

He don't talk American.

No, ma'am, he's a chimpanzee.

Come on, Skipper.

Sit down, Mrs. Drysdale,
while we're waitin' for Elly May

and I'll give you
your other present.

Oh, another present?

Yes, ma'am.

This here is my special
Christmas gift pack,

chock-full of
good things to eat.

Oh, it's simply beautiful.

What are these
divine-looking morsels?

Well, up here we have
deviled hawk eggs,

picked crow gizzards...
possum sausages...

candied catfish...

and over here we have
some larrupin' good

little teensy owlburgers.

Please, no more.

Got your mouth to waterin', huh?

Well, help yourself,
it's Christmas.

Mrs. Drysdale,

I'm awful sorry, but
I lost your present.

Oh, no!

Yes, ma'am, I was playi"
with it by the cement pond

and the chain
broke and it got away

and I just can't find it.

This is terrible!

This is tragic!

Oh...!

Well, I'm awful sorry, Granny.

Oh, don't worry, Elly,
I'll make it up to her.

I'll give her two of my
special Christmas gift packs.

(banjo playing "12
Days of Christmas")

Yes, Mr. Clampett, I predict
that you're going to get

many, many hours of
enjoyment in that little craft.

Boating has become a
tremendously popular sport here in...

How do you like that?

What?

That hunk of fur lying on
the floor is worth $10,000.

You don't say.

I only paid two bits for
him when he was a pup.

Duke, can you hear that?

You're worth $10,000,
you old rascal.

No, no, I was referring
to this hunk of fur.

It's my wife's brand new coat.

Oh.

I gave it to her this morning

and already she leaves it
lying around on the floor.

That fur cost you $10,000?

Yes, it did.

That's a heap of money
to pay to keep warm

in a place that's
warm to start off with.

Yes, you're right.

But this is a Beverly
Hills status symbol.

Oh.

By golly, I'm going
to teach her a lesson.

That woman thinks my
money grows on trees.

Where you goin', Mr. Drysdale?

I'm going to take
this home and hide it.

I'll see you later.

Duke...

I never will understand
these city husbands.

Back home when a woman
done somethin' to rile her man,

he'd just take her over his
knee and whomp her a few.

Mr. Drysdale's fixin'
to play hide-and-seek.

Uncle Jed, we want to get a
better look at Skipper's boat.

Well, that's our boat, Jethro.

It's a present from
Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale.

Oh, by the way, Elly May,

did you give Mrs.
Drysdale her present?

I'm awful sorry, Pa.

I was playin' with
the little critter

and it got away.

Mrs. Drysdale is fit to be tied.

Yeah, you ought to
see her, Uncle Jed.

Well, she's crawlin' around
on her hands and knees

rootin' through the
bushes like a hungry hog.

(chuckles) Come on, Skip.

It ain't funny,
Jethro. (giggling)

She done give the little critter a
name and everythin'. You don't say.

Yes, sir, she calls it Jim.

She's a-crawlin' around
a-moanin' and a-sayin',

"Where is it? Where's
my beautiful Jim?"

You think Elly May
is fond of critters...

why that woman is
like to go out of her mind

over that pesky little varmint.

What'd you say you
called it again, Elly?

A mink.

I offered to give her
my squirrel or my polecat

or my possum or anythin'.

She wouldn't even listen.

She just went right ahead
a-moanin' and a-rootin'.

I even offered her two
of my special gift packs.

Even that didn't quiet her down.

Well, when that little mink
gets hungry he'll show up.

Come on, let's go
look at our boat.

Hey, Skipper, this
boat is something else.

Why, there's beds down
here and even a wash basin.

Hey, let me try that.

(honks horn)

Get up on her, Granny.

I don't think so.

It might just up
and sail off with me.

Can't sail off without water.

Jethro, you got to
bring the truck around

so we can find some
water to sail this rascal.

Oh, yes, sir.

Hey, Uncle Jed...
hey, what's this thing?

Well, Mr. Drysdale
told me that's a lifesaver.

Hot diggity dog!

It's the biggest
one I ever did see.

Jethro!

That ain't for eatin'.

You can say that again.

Got no taste at all.

Oh, where's my mink?

Where's my beautiful
mink? It's gone!

Oh, dear!

Milburn! Milburn!

Milburn!

Milburn! Oh...

Your husband's gone
home, Mrs. Drysdale.

My mink is gone, my
beautiful full-length mink!

Has anyone seen it?

No, but come supper
time it's liable to show up.

(crying): Oh, disastrous day.

Oh, now calm down.

Wouldn't you just
as leaf have a rabbit

or a squirrel or a raccoon?

No! I want my mink!

Milburn!

Milburn, help! Milburn!

You're right, Granny.

Even Elly wouldn't be that
grieved over a lost critter,

especially one she
never laid eyes on.

The poor woman is so busted up

she even forgot my
special gift packs.

Well, we can
take 'em over later.

Yeah, and a special one
I made for Mr. Drysdale.

It's four feet high

and right in the middle
it has a smoked pig

with a hedge apple in his mouth.

That ought to cheer him up.

Oh, good, here comes
Jethro and Elly on the truck.

Now we can go out and find
some water to float our boat in.

Who's that sitting
up there beside Elly?

(brakes screech)

That's Skipper.

Looks like they got a
coat and a hat on him.

I give Skipper Aunt
Pearl's old hat and coat

'cause he's from a
warm country and...

Granny, here's your wraps.

That's fine, Elly.

Well, Jethro, where you
reckon we ought to look first?

Well, I hear tale there's
a Los Angeles River.

How 'bout that?

Sounds like that ought
to float a good size boat.

Let's get rollin'.

Pitiful, pitiful.

They call that thing a river?

Well, yes, ma'am, Granny.

That there's what they
call the Los Angeles River.

Why there ain't enough
water down there

to wet down a good size
crawdad, is there, Pa?

JED: Pitiful, pitiful.

Well, it's for certain we
can't float our boat in there.

What are we gonna
do then, Uncle Jed?

Let's take a drive around,

see what other folks
does with their boats.

How 'bout we drive
up onto the freeway?

Let's go. (whistles)

Hey, Uncle Jed,
yonder is a boat.

That boat is rolling on wheels.

Mr. Drysdale give us
wheels for our boat, too.

Yonder goes another one.

Let's get off the
freeway, Jethro,

try some other streets.

Now everybody keep your
eyes peeled for water and boats.

ELLY: Yonder's one!

JETHRO: There's
a whole lot full.

On wheels, too.

JED: Watch out, Jethro,
you'll run into that one.

Uncle Jed!

By doggies, they's
all on wheels.

Well, that was a dandy ride.

I know now why Mr. Drysdale
give us them wheels for our boat.

There's not enough water
in this place to boil an egg,

let alone float a boat.

Pa, we gonna put
our boat on wheels

and haul it around the street?

Well, that wouldn't be much fun.

You can't dive off it, you
can't fish off it, you can't...

Well, I don't know, Jethro.

Must be some fun or all them
people wouldn't be doing it.

Jed! Come here, quick!

What's the matter, Granny?

No wonder we
couldn't find any water.

Lookey here.

Even the washing
machine has dried up.

Well...

it's been a dry Christmas,
but a right merry one.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, 'hear? ♪

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