The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Clampetts Get Culture - full transcript

The Clampetts decide to get a taste of culture to fit in the high-class society of Beverly Hills.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

By doggies, Granny,

you are sure doing some
high-powered rocking!

I'm doing some
high-powered thinking.

Thinking and
rocking goes together.

Well, tell me, Granny,

what is this problem
that's got you to rocking so?

It's us, Jed.

We don't belong out here.

These la-dee-da city folks
don't want our kind around.

Now, whatever put
that notion in your head?

Well, here it is purt
near Christmas.

Back home, folks'd
be stopping by,

passing the time of
day, fetching presents,

and hefting a
friendly jug with us.

Well, you got to remember
one thing, Granny.

Back home, we knowed
everybody, and everybody knowed us.

Out here, we ain't
much acquainted yet.

You can't get acquainted
with these folks out here.

I been trying all morning.

I put on my friendly hat,

brung out my rocker
and a jug of hard cider,

and I've been setting here
waving and hollering at folks,

and... and a-pointing to my jug.

And nobody stopped?

Only a policeman.

That's where my jug went.

He took it to the
police station.

Oh, I bet you got a bunch
of friends down there by now.

Might as well face it, Jed.

We ain't got as many friends
out here as a horse has toes.

Looks like you spoke
too soon, Granny.

Yonder comes Ms. Drysdale,
and she's fetching a present.

Morning, Ms. Drysdale.

Will you please take this
animal and keep it here?

Well, thank you very kindly.

And will you
please tell Elly May

that we have a pet ordinance?

Why, I'd rather not.

She'll be wanting one.

Come on, set down, Ms. Drysdale.

We'll chew the fat
and heft a jug together.

30,000 people in Beverly Hills.

How did I get you
as my neighbors?

Just lucky, I guess.

If I find any more animals
in my flower garden,

I will give them to the police!

They wouldn't appreciate it.

Why, they took my
jug without so much

as a thank you, by your leave,

or kiss my foot.

Oh, I do hope the
new year will be better!

Well, thank you, and
best wishes to you, too!

Now, Granny, you got to
admit that was right friendly.

Nice fat little goat, too.

You can stop your
fretting, Thelma.

Pa's done found your baby.

Her and Earl and Elmer
and me's been looking

all over the house
for that little rascal.

Oh, Elly May, is
this your baby goat?

Well, Thelma's her
ma, but they's both mine.

Come on, everybody,
let's go swimmin'!

Well, if that ain't a
new low in gift-giving,

I'll put in with you!

Getting our own goat give to us!

Now, Granny,
don't get riled up yet.

Here comes some more friends.

Well, that's the bus
fetching Jethro home

from Potts School.

In the middle of the morning?

Oh, and look who's driving.

Miss Millicent
Schuyler Potts herself!

Reckon she's come to visit.

Howdy there, Miss Potts.

Good morning, Mr. Clampett.

Granny, I wonder if I
could have a talk with you?

Well, you betcha.

See, Granny,
she's come to visit.

Granny, can I have some vittles?

What did you do with
your school lunch?

Oh, I ate that at recess.

All right, help yourself.

Yee-ha! Oh, uh, Bye, Miss Potts.

Thanks for the ride.

You want to come
into the kitchen,

have some grits and jowls

with Jethro while we visit?

Uh, no, thank you.

Well, set yourself.

You can have a bench,
a bucket or a rocker.

No. What I have
to say is quite brief.

It's simply that

Jethro has become my
number one problem student.

Well, did you hear that, Granny?

You deserve all
the credit, Ms. Potts.

I beg your pardon?

Well, when Jethro
started in your school,

he couldn't 'cipher a
problem for shucks,

but now he's number one!

Come on in to the house.

We'll heft a jug on that!

No, really, you
don't understand.

Your nephew is a most
disrupting influence.

Well, let me put it this way.

It will not be necessary

for Jethro to return to
school after the holidays.

That smart, is he?!

You done it, Ms. Potts.

Why, back home,

he couldn't even
keep up with his class.

And here he is graduating
ahead of everybody!

No, no, please. Jethro...

I'll get the jug. No!

Jethro is not graduating.

He is being expelled.

Oh!

I don't know how to say this,

but Jethro is ruining my school,

and I do not want him to return!

Well, for not knowing
how, you said it pretty plain!

Granny.

Jethro ain't good
enough for you, huh?

Well... Simmer down.

Well, you can keep
your old private school!

(shrieks) Jethro has
been there a whole year,

and you haven't even
made him a private.

You couldn't even
get him into the army!

Faker! Cheater!

Jethro's too good for you!

And you... you think
you're a teacher?

I can learn him more.

You can't even spell "cat"!

You see, Herman, you
just keep your feet a movi"

like Gertrude's a-doing.

If a rooster can swim,
so can a turkey gobbler.

How about it, Herman?

You willing to try?

(squawks)

Well, let's shake hands on it.

Attaboy.

(turkey squeaking)

MARGARET: Come
back here, you vile beast.

Come here with my begonia!

Mrs. Drysdale,

I sure would appreciate if
you wouldn't chase Thelma.

It shakes her all up.

(screams)

Help! Get this thing off me!

I am going to call the police

and have all of these
animals taken away!

Why? They ain't done nothing!

This is Beverly
Hills, not a jungle!

They shall all be
locked up in cages!

Don't do that, please.

They wouldn't be
happy all caged up.

But I won't be
happy until they are!

(screams) (dog barking)

Oh!

Aah! That vicious dog
is going to attack me! Oh!

(screams) Get away!

Get a... (screams)

Who's that in the cement pond?

Well, that's Ms. Drysdale.

(yelling)

Look, Jed, she's trying
to steal Elly's chicken!

Probably wants to give
us that for New Years!

(screaming)

You get your chicken-picking
hands off our livestock!

(yelping)

Margaret, I'm very busy.

I haven't time to
listen to goat stories.

(sneezing over phone)

Stop sneezing. (indistinct
chatter over phone)

What pool?

With your clothes on?

I thought you were having some

of your bridge club
ladies over this afternoon.

Hmm. Well, stop
sampling the punch.

Oh, I'll call you back.

(sneeze over phone)

Gesundheit.

Aren't you about through?

You haven't finished dictating.

Not you. Him.

(speaking Italian)

(knock on door)

Go away!

Leave me alone!

So, Mr. Drysdale's
our friend, is he?

That didn't sound
very friendly to me.

DRYSDALE: Go away!

We'll go away, but not
until you fill these sacks

with our money to tote with us!

Uncle Jed's got $40
million in your bank,

and we got four sacks,
and dividing four into 40,

that there figures to
ten million in each sack!

Ooh-ee! Listen
to that boy 'cipher!

That's one thing
we're gonna miss

about Beverly Hills... Jethro
getting a fine education.

What are you talking about?

Where are you going?

We're going back
home, Mr. Drysdale.

You mean for Christmas?

No, ma'am, for good.

What?!

We got to face up to the truth.

We're as out of place here

as four cobs in a cream crock!

All right, young'uns,
take those sacks down

to where they keep our money
and commence filling 'em up.

No, wait! Listen! Come back!

Oh, get out of my way!

Quickly, come with me!

Now, wait right here,
and-and don't move!

Oh, measure him up
for a complete, uh...

vestido nuovo.

Oh, si, si.

(sighs)

Well, little man, uh, if
you're fixing to tie me up,

uh, that ain't enough rope,
and you ain't enough man.

(speaking Italian)

I couldn't catch them, Chief.

Well, phone down, have them lock

the outside doors.

But it isn't closing time.

It will be if the Clampetts
withdraw their money!

(man shouting in Italian)

Now if you ever get to
be this big, try me again.

(speaking Italian)

What did you do that for?

He was fixing to tie Jed up!

Spunky little fella.

Throwed this skimpy little
rope around me real brave.

No, no. He was just
measuring you for a new suit!

A Christmas present from me.

Oh, help me get him down.

You fill my sack up for me.

I got a few words to say to
Mr. Drysdale before we go.

Oh! Granny, this little
fella was just fixing

to sew me up some clothes,

like he done for
Mr. Drysdale here.

Shame on you for
doing woman's work!

And bad, too!

You call this sewing!?

Why, them clothes wouldn't
hold together in a stout wind!

(speaking Italian)

Don't you sass me, little man.

I'll hang you back on that hook!

No, no. (speaks Italian)

Pa, Granny, they won't
give us your money!

Let's get the guns
off 'n the truck.

Hey, we gonna feud the bank?

Down to the last man! Yee-ha!

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

Let's-Let's talk this over!

It's too late for
talking. We is feuding!

Now, Granny, we's talking
before we's do any feudin'.

JETHRO: Uncle Jed! Granny!

Hey, lookee here what I got.

I just captured me
the first prisoner.

Turn her loose.

But she's one of
the bank people.

Maybe she can get
our money for us.

Can you? No, I can't.

I can, Jethro. Capture me!

ELLY MAY: Pa! Granny!

I got me a prisoner, too!

Aiuto! Aiuto!

Throw him back, Elly.

Even if he was to tell
us where the money is,

we wouldn't know
what he was saying.

Please, Mr. Clampett,
let's talk this over!

We will. All right,
set down, everybody.

We's gonna have a confab!

Thank you. (all talking)

We's gonna have a confab.

Your Uncle Jed told
you to turn her loose.

Now do it!

Aw, shucks, somebody's
always taking the fun out of feudin'!

Then along come Mrs. Potts

and expelled Jethro
out of her school.

And him the number one student.

Just at 'ciphering
problems, Granny.

Oh, I won the
football championship

for the sixth grade, too.

Yeah, who was it you beat
in that last game, Jethro?

Uh, some outfit... they called
their selves, uh, the Rams.

Believe me, I can explain
everything that's happened.

You can?

Yes, I can.

Well, how about your wife saying

she was going to
lock up all my critters?

And mean-mouthing me

when I pulled her
out of the pond?

Oh, I can explain it.

No, I have a better idea.

I'll have my wife and Mrs.
Potts talk to you themselves

and they can explain it.

They can?

They can and they will.

Now, get them on the carpet...
Uh, the phone right away.

Yes, sir.

I'll need my desk, Miss Trego.

Mr. Clampett, Granny,
Jethro, Elly May.

It's almost Christmas.

Peace on Earth,
good will toward men...

especially to bankers.

Now, please, go
back to your home...

That is, the home
in Beverly Hills...

And everything will be explained
to your, to your satisfaction.

Well, that seems fair.

Come along, family, let's go.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Now, on your way home,

if you see anything
you want for Christmas,

just pick it up and
charge it to me.

Hot diggety dog! (whistling)

Bye, Mr. Drysdale. Thank you.

(chuckling): Thank you.

Come on, Uncle Jed, I
done picked up my present.

(yelling indistinctly)

Oh, yes, you will.

And if I refuse?

If you refuse, the
only thing you will find

in your stocking on
Christmas morning is your foot.

I am married to a
bourgeois beast.

You are married to
a desperate banker.

And now I'll reason
with you, Mrs. Potts.

Let me start by reminding you

that I hold the mortgage
on your building.

So?

So... how would you like to
have the only private school

in Beverly Hills holding
classes on the sidewalk?

This is blackmail.

This is extortion!

So? So...

I'll do it.

All right.

Now, here's what you're
going to tell Jed Clampett.

So you see, Mr. Clampett,
I, I expelled Jethro

so that I could come
here every evening

and give him
private instruction.

Won't that be a lot of extra
trouble for you, Mrs. Potts?

Oh, nothing is too much
trouble if it brings me nearer

to the man who has
captured my fancy.

Who's that, ma'am?

(chuckling): Oh... Mr. Clampett.

Can't you guess?

No, ma'am, the only menfolks
around here is Jethro and me.

You see Jethro every
day, and that only leaves...

Yes, I must say it.

I'm forced to say it.

It's you.

But, um, you c... (stammering)

but you're a fine, educated,

high-class, big-city
school teacher.

But I'm also a woman...
and you're a man.

Yeah, I got to go along
with you on that, but, uh...

Ah.

And the kind of a man I've
always been attracted to...

Raw-boned, shy, clean-cut,

but basically very,
very masculine.

Well... doggies!

Come on, dear.

Oh, Milford, no, no.

Oh, Margaret, yes, yes.

Now, Granny is lonesome.

She doesn't have any friends.

Your bridge club is the answer.

Granny doesn't even play bridge.

But you're going to teach
Granny to play bridge.

Home, quickly.

Oh, now, dear, now,

it's not going to be
as bad as all that.

You'll have Mrs. Potts to help
you, and Jane Hathaway, too.

But even if she
learns to play bridge,

how could I possibly
present that homespun hillbilly

to my club?

Miss Hathaway has
taken care of that.

Granny will look fine.

Ah, come in, come in.

You are just in time
to see your hostess

in her beautiful
new hostess gown.

Granny, entrez vous.

Ah, Granny, you are a vision

of a chic Beverly Hills hostess

from your head
right down to your...

My bloomers are showing again.

This thing ain't
sewed together proper.

Granny, those smart
capris are supposed to show,

but where are your
beautiful pumps?

They were pumped up too high.

I fell off of 'em twice.

Well, your, your feet won't
show under the bridge table.

What kind of a table?

Bridge.

Mrs. Drysdale here
and some of her friends

are going to play
bridge with you.

Oh, yeah?

Who says?

She says.

My wife has a club.

Well, she better
have more than a club

if she's going to walk on me.

No, no, Granny, bridge
is a game, a card game.

A fun game.

Now, Margaret, you
and Miss Hathaway

take Granny into the card room

and get things ready.

I'll send in Mrs. Potts.

Where is she?

Her and Jed are
sparking in the parlor.

This here's a little
verse I made up for you

whilst I was changing my duds.

Why, how very flattering.

I can hardly wait.

♪ Oh, my darlin',
oh, my darlin' ♪

♪ Oh, my darlin' Milly-cent ♪

♪ Just to see me ever' evenin' ♪

♪ To such trouble
you have went ♪

♪ You expelled
my nephew Jethro ♪

♪ Just to give you a excuse ♪

♪ And your mind
said, "Don't you do it" ♪

♪ But your heart yelled,
"What's the use?" ♪

♪ I'm a man and you're a woman ♪

♪ You yourself did up and say ♪

♪ Now you've got my
heart to wondering ♪

♪ Are you the ma for Elly May? ♪

POTTS: Oh.

(chuckling): Oh, Mr. Drysdale!

Don't let me interrupt.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

I want you to come
in and-and hear

the perfectly divine ballad
that Mr. Clampett has composed

just for me.

Where's your wife?

Well, she's going to teach
Granny to play bridge.

They need a fourth
so I'd better get back...

Oh, no, no, no!

Three women and
one man? Unthinkable.

Now, you just stay right here

and listen to
Mr. Clampett's ballad.

(chuckles)

♪ Oh, my darlin',
oh, my darlin' ♪

♪ Oh, my dar... ♪

I'm sorry, Mr. Drysdale,
but I feel like a darn fool

singing this to you.

(chuckles) You're right.

Besides, I have some
very exciting plans

that will keep you busy
for the rest of the day.

You do? Yes.

I want you to be
a guest at my club.

We'll shoot a little golf.

Oh, you mean go over
to the, uh, golf pasture.

Well, we call it
the country club.

Uncle Jed, I don't want
to watch them women

play a sissy ol' card game.

Well, uh, why don't you
come with us, Jethro?

We're gonna shoot some golf.

Yeah, I'd like that.

But you ain't gonna go shooting

in your courtin'
clothes, are you?

Oh, I reckon I'd best change.

Uh, Mr. Drysdale, no
use you waiting for us.

Uh, Jethro and me
will meet you there.

All right, Jethro, I'll see
you at the country club.

And, uh, meet me
in the locker room.

I'll have some golf clothes
for you to change into.

Oh, yes, sir. Thank you.

Hold it right there!

You done give us 12 cards.

That's right.

You're fixing to
give us one more?

Yes. Each player
receives 13 cards.

Not this player.

Nobody gives me 13 of nothin'.

But, Granny, that's the
way bridge is played.

Not by me.

Give me a lucky
dozen, you keep the rest.

Granny, this is
the way... Please.

Let's all just play
with 12 cards.

Oh, no.

Take the other card, Granny.

I might give you a slam.

Why, you...

What?! Just a bridge
expression, Granny!

I don't mean anything,
darling. No, no!

She's not gonna slam me!

Well, here we are.

These two lockers
are for you and Jethro.

Somebody's clothes in there.

I got them for you.

Now, I want you to
change into these clothes

before we play golf.

Then we'll spend a
nice, relaxing half hour

in the steam room
over there. Yes, sir.

Now, when you change,
leave your old clothes

inside the locker
and close the door.

I'll see you outside.

Well, Jethro, you're younger
and more willowy than me.

You try it first.

Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.

You in there all right, Jethro?

I can't move, let
alone change clothes.

These city fellers
sure must be runts.

What are we gonna do?

Well, one thing certain,

we can't strip naked
out here in the hall.

Tell you what,
let's go over there

into that steam room
and wait for Mr. Drysdale.

Yes, sir.

Can't see nothing
through this little window.

Well, let's just go on in.

Boy, Uncle Jed,
sure is hot in here.

Right smart humid, too.

Hey, looky over here.

There's rows of benches
going up just like in a theater.

Well, let's climb up to
top, get us a good seat,

wait for the show.

Well, it's about time you
menfolks was getting home.

Let's get ready and
head for the hills.

What happened?

Something go wrong
with the bridge game?

(scoffs) Sure enough did.

Granny got riled
and busted it up.

What riled you, Granny?

Well, first off,
them other women

wanted me to put my
cards down on the table

so all of them could see 'em.

That don't hardly seem fair.

Of course it don't!

And when I asked 'em why,

they said, "Because
you're the dummy."

Ain't nobody calls Granny a
dummy and gets away with it.

You better believe it.

How did you menfolks make
out at that there country club?

Pitiful. Just pitiful.

Granny, they got the hottest,
steamiest theater there is.

If that wasn't bad enough,

they put on the worst
show I ever did see.

That's a fact.

Nothing but a
bunch of fat ol' men

parading around
wrapped in towels.

And not even no music.

Pitiful. Just pitiful.

Well, Beverly Hills can keep
their unfriendly city people.

Come on, Elly May,
I want to get into

some decent clothes
and head for back home.

Yeah, I reckon we
better do that, too, Jethro.

These is kind of
shrank up and soggy.

CAROLERS: ♪ Jingle
bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh. ♪

(plays note on harmonica)

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year ♪

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪

♪ And a happy New Year. ♪

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.