The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 12 - Elly Needs a Maw - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

♪ ♪

(tires screeching)

Now, you wait here.

I'll go in and see Mr. Drysdale.

Letter to Mrs. Radnor Fenwick...

in reply to yours of the
tenth, seeking capital

for your contemplated
housing development...

Mrs. Fenwick is seeking capital?

With her millions?

Well, she's too smart
a business woman

to take the whole risk herself.

(knock at door)

Excuse me, someone to see you.

I told you no interruptions!

I told you no interruptions!

Sorry, Mr. Clampett,
no interruptions.

Clampett!

Well, come in, come in!

Well, I don't
wanna be no bother.

Oh, it's always a pleasure
to see you, Mr. Clampett.

Coffee for Mr. Clampett.

Coffee for Mr. Clampett.

You help.

Well, now, uh, don't
make no fuss over me.

Oh, it's my privilege

to make a fuss over you,
Mr. Clampett. (door closing)

I was, uh, going
over your account

just this morning.

And do you realize that now

you have almost $40
million in my bank?

Well, I reckon
that money of mine

is gettin' to be a
powerful nuisance to you.

What?

Well, I'm obliged to you

for storin' it here,
but it seems to me

like I ought to be paying
you rent or somethin'.

(laughing): Oh, no,
no, I'm delighted to do it.

Well, that's mighty kind of you.

Now I've come to
ask you another favor.

More money to store?

(chuckling)

No, I'd like you to get me

one of them airplane
tickets to go back home.

Oh, my pleasure... home?

Oh, you mean
just for a little visit?

No, it's more than that.

Why, what's the matter?
Uh, did someone offend you?

Was it my wife?

Has she been shooting off
her big Boston bazoo again?

I'll fix her! No,
no, Mr. Drysdale.

It wasn't that at all.

Uh, uh, everybody's
been surpassin' good to us.

Uh, Elly May is the reason

I want to go back to the hills.

Oh... homesick, eh?

Well, I tell you what.

I'll have your cabin
flown out here log for log,

and every tree
and bush around it.

And we'll put it
in your backyard.

Then, we'll dig a creek

just like the one at home,

and we'll stock the whole
place with possums, raccoons,

hound dogs, bobcats
and whatever Elly wants.

She can just run wild.

But that's what I moved out
here to get Elly away from.

I was hopin' you folks
would turn her into a lady,

but I think she's gettin' worse.

Coffee time!

You're to blame for this!

It was your responsibility

to turn that wild
girl into a lady,

and you failed!

What have you done now,
you overdeveloped vixen? Me?

No, no, not her!

I'm talking about
Elly May Clampett.

Now wait,
Mr. Drysdale... But she...

Miss Jane done the
best she knowed how.

Why, as a matter
of fact, it was her

that got Elly her
first ball gown.

That's true.

By the way, I haven't
seen that gown since.

What happened to it?

Well, I kind of
hate to tell you,

but I reckon you
got a right to know.

First time I seen
Elly in that gown...

she looked like
a dream a-walkin'.

But when she come back...

Pa, you sure was right.

Oh, hi, Granny.

You don't have to
wear boys' clothes

to have fun with boys.

JED: Elly May, you promised
me you wouldn't rassle.

I ain't been rasslin'.

Then what have you been doin'

in your ball gown?

Doin' what I'm supposed
to do... playin' ball!

Oh, I made two touchdowns
and kicked three field goals!

Granny give that
gown a good scrubbin'

with her lye soap,
and patched it, too,

but it never looked
quite the same after that.

Mr. Clampett...
we have failed you.

And when I say "we," I mean you!

But Chief... Don't
argue with me.

What are you standing here for?

There's work to be done!

But I just... Don't
argue with me.

Feel like I'm causin'
a lot of trouble

for folks that ain't to blame.

Now, if you'll just get
me that airplane ticket...

Now, now, Mr. Clampett,

we'll work on Elly May.

We'll polish her.

Now, Elly May don't
take a polish real easy.

We'll have to
face it, gentlemen.

Elly May is a wildcat on wheels.

Oh, you heard about
this mornin', did you?

Heard what?

Elly bein' on wheels.

Wheels?

Granny and me was
havin' a cup of coffee,

when all of a sudden we
heard this roarin' noise.

(motorcycle engine roaring)

If that's Jethro ridin' his
fire-spittin' bicycle again,

I'm gonna take a
hickory stick to him!

ELLY MAY: Thank you, Granny!

Wanna go for a ride?

Sweet-smellin' polecats,
that was Elly May!

Shut that door, Jed!

I'll cut through this
way and snatch her

off that contraption and
paddle her breeches!

ELLY MAY: Granny,
get out of my way!

GRANNY: No, I... whoa!

Hold on, Granny, I'm comin'!

I never would've caught her

if she hadn't rode that
thing into the cement pond.

Oh, poor Granny.

When I pulled her
out, she was madder

than a wet hen, and wetter, too!

Right then, her and me decided

that what Elly needed
was a full-time ma.

You mean you're getting married?

Oh, I got to, for Elly's sake.

That's the reason I
need that airplane ticket.

I'm fixin' to go home and
court myself a hill woman.

Well, how about a
Beverly Hill woman?

Oh, these fine city
women wouldn't look twice

at a grizzled up old
mountain goat like me.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Mr. Clampett, you are one
of the most eligible bachelors

in this entire city.

When word gets out

that JD Clampett
is seeking a bride,

there will be women
beating down your door.

Hmm, might be a
good test for 'em.

It'd take a strong
one to handle Elly.

That's the reason I think I
best do my courtin' back home,

and the quicker the better.

No, no, no, let me
take care of everything.

I guarantee I will
find the woman

right here in Beverly
Hills... and today.

Well, that's mighty nice of you.

My pleasure.

Thank you.

Chief, I am as eager as you

to find Mr. Clampett
a mate locally,

but should you have guaranteed

to find him one today?

I'm not worried.

Beside me, stalwart
and true as always,

I have the finest
secretary in the world.

Thank you, Chief.

A loyal and dedicated girl

to whom "responsibility"
is a sacred word.

A girl who will never
fail me when duty calls.

Thank you, Chief.

You'll make Jed
Clampett a fine wife.

Me? I? You.

B-B-But, Chief, I-I'm
promised to Jethro.

Oh? Who promised you?

Me. I.

Excuse me, Mr. Drysdale.

Hey, what about her?

She's too young
for Mr. Clampett.

I mean for Jethro...
You're for Mr. Clampett.

What is it, Janet?

The guard downstairs
just phoned to say

that Mrs. Radnor Fenwick
is on her way up to see you.

Oh, yes, it must be

about that new housing
development she's...

(claps hands)
Hey, wait a minute!

She's a widow!

Chief, Mrs. Fenwick
and Mr. Clampett

have absolutely
nothing in common.

Are you kidding?

They've got $100
million in common.

And if I can get them together,

I can have it all
right here in my bank.

Uh, I'm looking for the
office of the president,

a Mr. Pysdale or
Skysdale or something.

DRYSDALE: Welcome.

Oh, you're Mr. Flysdale?

At your service, madam.

Very well, Beasley.

Now bring in the maps
and the blueprints.

Uh, let me take
your money... mink!

Hey, Granny, can I ask
you a favor? What is it?

Next time you ride my
cycle, will you please

not leave it at the bottom
of the cement pond?

I pert near drowned tryi"

to get that thing
started down there!

I didn't run it into
the cement pond

on purpose, you
durned... What is that?

Well, this here's some
of that store-bought

courtin' candy I
fetched for Uncle Jed.

Praise be!

The quicker he gets home

and courts a good, stout woman

to tame that daughter
of his'n, the better.

Well, I think he's fixi"

to do his courti" out here.

In Beverly Hills?

A city woman?

I think so.

He's upstairs right now

puttin' on his courtin' clothes,

and he sent Elly May out
to pick him some posies.

Howdy do, ma'am.

My name is Jed Clampett,
and Mr. Drysdale, my neighbor,

uh, says you're prime
for a little courtin'.

I brung the guitar,

and if we can sit in your
porch swing out yonder,

I'll take a crack
at serenadin' you.

Excuse me, ma'am, I...

I ain't done no active
serenadin' and courtin'

in, uh, nigh onto 20 years.

(strumming guitar)

♪ Oh, my darlin',
oh, my darlin' ♪

♪ Oh, my darlin'... ♪
Jed!

What's all this nonsense

about you courti" a city woman?

Well, it was
Mr. Drysdale's idea.

Well, it ain't worth shucks!

City women is spoiled rotten!

Well, Mr. Drysdale's gonna
cull through a bunch of 'em

and trot out the
best of the lot.

Eh...

All they think about
is smearin' themselves

with beauty grease,
fancy smellin' renderin's.

Why, if you was
to hug one of 'em,

she'd squirt out of your
arms like a prune pit.

Well, at my age, I don't figure

to do a whole heap o' huggin'.

What do you mean, "your age"?

Why, you're fine
figure of a man!

A heap too good

for these Beverly
Hills society women!

(phone ringing)

Jed Clampett speakin'.

Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale!

You got any prospects for me?

Indeed, I have.

Ever hear of Mrs. Radnor
Fenwick of Fenwick House?

Fenwick... uh, Fenwick?

Oh, yeah, that's
the widow, Fenwick.

Got the skinny
daughter name of Cynthy.

That's the one.

And she's very interested
in you, Mr. Clampett.

Very interested, indeed.

Well, you don't say.

Granny, you remember
the widow, Fenwick.

Yeah, and you ain't gonna
get no dowry outta her.

She's poor as a church mouse.

"Honeymoon Lane."

Hmm, that's a very
appealing name

for a subdivision.

I'm out to attract
the young married.

Let others build
for senior citizens.

I want those long-term mortgages

with interest payments
that never stop.

How much will the project cost?

$100 million.

Oh, I'm not risking
one penny of my own.

Well, my contribution
is the idea,

the experience and the know-how.

Oh, Crysdale!

Uh, that's Drysdale,
Mrs. Fenwick.

D-R-Y: Dry.

Uh, yes, so am I.
How about some tea?

Good idea.

Well, what news?

Mr. Clampett is very interested.

Very interested, indeed.

Just how interested?

I will need $10 million
to get this project rolling.

Well, I believe I
could recommend that

as a good, sound investment.

Uh, splendid.

Provided you and
Mr. Clampett hit it off personally.

Personally?

This is business.

Well, Mr. Clampett
is that kind of man.

And it is important that
his family like you, too.

I have no time to socialize

with those
eccentric hillbillies.

I have here my general
contractor's license.

I'm ready to start bulldozing.

Mrs. Fenwick,
both you and I know

that those first $10 million
are very hard to come by.

Oh.

Very well, but
remember one thing.

I control this
Honeymoon Lane venture.

I'm not having anyone tell
me what to do with their money.

Jed, I still say

that you ought to go back
home to do your courtin'.

Where the woman
could bring you a dowry.

You can bet dollars to dumplings

that Widow Fenwick ain't
gonna come through that door

leading no big fat sow.

Well,

now, Granny, a
dowry ain't everything.

The widow's got experience.

She raised a
daughter of her own.

You 'member skinny Cynthy.

I do!

Here's your courtin'
candy, Uncle Jed.

Oh, thank you, Jethro,
put it in the truck,

and, uh, put my
guitar in there, too.

Quick as Elly
fetches my flowers,

I want you to drive me
over to the Widow Fenwick's.

Is that who you're gonna court?

That's who I'm starting with.

Well, Uncle Jed, now that
you're here in Beverly Hills,

why don't you court one of
them Hollywood movie stars?

Well, if things don't
work out with the widow,

I might just ask
Mr. Drysdale can he fix it

so I can meet, uh, Lillian Gish,

maybe even, uh, Mary Pickford.

Now you're talkin' dowry!

Why I bet you that
Mary Pickford is good

for a herd of milk cows,

and a barn full of settin' hens!

Look out, Granny,

here comes Elly with my flowers!

There's your flowers, Pa!

Jed,

I don't care who you
court but get to courtin'!

I gonna need help
with that young'un

and need it fast!

(engine puttering)

How come you're wearin' that?

Don't want my courtin' derby
to blow off and get dented.

Quick as we get to the
widow's house, I'll change back.

Drive on.

Appears like they still livin'

in this little house.

Still got the name
on it, big as life.

Yeah, poor but proud.

Hey, Uncle Jed, I got an idea!

How 'bout me
goi" inside with you

and courtin' Cynthy
while you court the widow?

I don't hardly
think there's room

in that little house to do
double courtin', Jethro.

I tell you what,

you come on in and say howdy

and then take Cynthy for a walk,

leavin' the widow and me alone.

Mmm, I catch on!

You want to do
some sparkin', huh?

(laughs) (knocking on door)

Widow Fenwick?

Anybody home?

Widow?

Don't appear to be nobody home.

Hot diggety dog!

Now you and me
can eat the candy!

Get outta there!

Come on, let's go.

Do you wish the mink, madam?

No, I think it's
better psychology

not to appear too affluent

in front of these hill types.

However, I will take Blue Chip.

Aw!

Hims always makes
such a good impression.

Wait in the car...

I'll telephone if I need you.

Very good, madam.

(doorbell ringing)

By dingies,

it's comin' out of the ceilin'
and walls and everyplace.

(door knocker pinging) Somebody
always comes to the door

when that music plays.

I reckon that's
what brings 'em in.

They hear it a playin'
out on the street.

Want me to see
who it is? I'll do it...

You get that
contraption outta here.

Well, Widow Fenwick, come in!

How do you do?

I see you managed
to scrape up a dowry.

Little lamb, ain't he?

Oh, indeed he is.

Well, he ain't much,

but it shows your
heart's in the right place.

Come on out to the kitchen,

we'll commence fattenin' him up.

Hey, Elly May, you
bring my cycle back here!

Now quiet down, Jethro.

Looks like we got company.

This ain't your cycle
no more'n it is mine!

'Tis so!

It ain't neither!

'Tis! 'Tain't!

You want to rassle for it?

Now hold on, the both of you!

I don't want no more
of that kind of talk.

Jethro, you put that
cycle in the shed

and get this truck
out of the way.

Yes, sir!

Elly May, I want
a word with you!

Yes, sir, Pa.

Now I'm a fixi"
to court you a ma.

(whistling) Stop that!

Is that why the Widow
Fenwick done come over?

Is she here? Sure is.

Mr. Beasley yonder brung
her over in his new car.

It's conveniently, huh?

I sure hope Mr. Beasley

ain't got first call
on the widow.

I wouldn't want to be grazi"
in another man's pasture.

Especially him bein'
a soldier in uniform.

Oh, splendid,

you've returned! Howdy, widow.

I reckon I was at your place
when you was comin' over here.

Well, we're together at last,

and now we can
make up for lost time!

Uh, Elly May, uh, why
don't you go out back

and see if your Granny
needs some help.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Well, uh, widow,

seein' as we ain't at your
house and we's over here,

uh, you mind steppi"
in to my parlor?

The sooner we get down
to business, the better!

You sure don't beat
around the bush, ma'am!

Mr. Clampett,

may I ask you a
question? Yes, ma'am.

Your banker tells me
you're worth $40 million.

Well, that's what I hear, uh,

give or take a few million.

Why do you drive
around in that truck

and dress as you do and...

and eat grits and hog jowls?

Well, the way I
look at it, widow,

if you got it, spend it!

All right, thank you.

Well, Mrs. Fenwick
crossed me up,

went over to see Jed Clampett.

I wanted to prepare
him before she got there.

Chief, you're a banker,
not a matchmaker.

Aren't you meddling
where you don't belong?

Anyplace where there's
a hundred million dollars

floating around, I belong!

H-Hello, Granny...
Milburn Drysdale.

Yes, may I speak to
Mr. Clampett please?

No, you can't.

He's in the parlor fixin'
to spark the widow!

Bye!

Well, I've heard
of skin the cat,

spin the bottle...

But what is spark the widow?

Spark the widow!

You see, it's already working!

Now, who says I'm
not a matchmaker, eh?

Come on, let's get
over there and help!

I smell money!

Now... Mr. Clampett,
what are you doing?

Can't we get to my proposal?

Well, ma'am, I kind
of like to tune up,

sing you a song or two first.

Kinda get you in the mood.

I'm in the mood.

Well, I'm sorry, but I ain't.

When I'm going to court

I always like to
build up to it gradual.

But you're not going to court.

I ain't?

No, there's no need for that.

Once we reach an agreement,

my lawyer can handle everything.

Don't that, uh, kinda
take the fun out of it?

Mr. Clampett, I am
not in this for fun!

Now look,

I'll put my cards
right on the table.

You are the man

I would like to have come
with me into Honeymoon Lane.

Well, thank you, ma'am,
that's mighty flatterin'

to a ol' goat like me.

Nonsense... you have
what I'm looking for.

So now what is
it... "yes" or "no"?

Well, you kinda got me
pushed into a corner, widow.

I thought I was gonna be the one

to do the askin'
not the answerin'.

Well, ask away... I
have nothing to hide.

But what are you in doubt about?

Your banker likes
what I have to offer...

Dunn and Bradstreet have
given me their highest rating...

And the city engineer has
approved my construction!

Ma'am, I ain't
doubtin' them but, uh,

them's things a man kinda
likes to find out for his self.

Clampett, I'm sorry to rush you

but time is money to me.

There are several very
wealthy men in this town

that would jump at
my proposal like that!

But I like you.

Now, I have got the license
and I have the heavy equipment.

Yeah, I reckon you do.

All right, then if you'll
just answer "yes,"

we can get started on
"Honeymoon Lane" today!

Now, what do you say?

Widow, ain't you
bei" a mite pushy?

You're darn tootin' she is.

And if she's this
pushy flat busted broke

thinks what she'll be

when she gets her
hands on your money!

Did I hear you use
the term "broke"

in referring to me?

I did.

You might be as
proud as a peacock

but you're as poor as
Job's turkey and you know it.

My dear, quaint little woman.

I am Mrs. Radnor
Fenwick of Fenwick House.

That home alone
cost me $3 million!

For that little place?

Widow, you got slickered.

ELLY MAY: Look out!

I can't stop!

Elly May, you have
done ruined that door.

I told you leave that
thing out in the shed!

No, you didn't, Pa.

You just told
Jethro to put it there!

Widow,

I know you ain't one to
beat around the bush,

and I'm gonna
speak plain myself.

This young'un o' mine is
gonna take a heap o' tami"

are you willin'?

Are you kidding?

That'll be your job if
and when your her ma!

When I'm what?

(whistles)

Hop on, Ma, and I'll
take you for a ride!

Now, hold on.

The widow ain't your ma
unless we get proper married.

Married?

You and me?

Well, I don't hardly think

we can get to
honeymoon lane without it.

Mr. Clampett, I once said

I would do anything
for enough money.

I now retract that statement!

Well.

I wonder what she meant by that.

Mrs. Fenwick is still here!

That's a good sign!

She and Jed must
be hitting it off.

Ah, Mrs. Fenwick...

Out of my way, Drypail! Wha...

Did something go wrong?

Everything!

That hillbilly untouchable
wants to marry me!

Me! Well,

you can't blame
him, Mrs. Fenwick!

You're a ravishingly beautiful,

devastatingly seductive woman!

You are intoxicated!

Uh, just a minute,
Widow Fenwick.

Uh... Oh, my darling,
I almost left you!

Come to my arms!

I'm sorry, widow.

I just don't think
we'd hit it off.

Here's your dowry back.

Widow Fenwick...

sometimes the
happiness we're lookin' for

is right in our own back yard.

Now you take
Mr. Beasley there...

Thank you, I shall!

Quickly, Beasley, take me home!

Oh, just all so confusing!

Kind of a skimpy dowry,

but, uh, don't set too
much store by that.

How long you
been in the service?

15 years, sir.

That long, huh?

Well, maybe now with a
good woman behind you,

you'll soon have some
stripes on them sleeves!

World of happiness
to the both of you!

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality. ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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