The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Garden Party - full transcript

Mrs. Drysdale has a garden party and 'invites' the Clampetts by mistake. They end up back by their 'cement pond' to handle the 'overflow' from Mrs. Drysdale's party. A gun shot by Granny starts the real party.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Morning, Elly. Morning, Pa.

Where's your granny?

Out by the cement pond.

(animals chittering)

Elly May.

I'd like to strike up
a bargain with you.

What's that, Pa?

If they won't eat in my kitchen,

I won't eat in their tree.

Well, it ain't their
fault they're in here.

They'd a heap
rather eat in the tree.

Then why ain't they?

'Cause Granny's
making soap under it.

These poor little critters
couldn't hardly stand it.

Yeah, Granny's
lye soap a-cookin'

does give off some
right powerful fumes.

Miss Jane says it's commencing

to kill Mrs.
Drysdale's hibiscus.

What's a hibiscus?

Some kind of a flower plant.

Mrs. Drysdale's got a prize one

that sets right
next to her patio.

The Drysdale place does set
downwind of our pond, don't it?

Yes, sir.

Well, I'll have to
speak to Granny

about cooking her
soap someplace else.

You know, I've seen them
fumes bring a full-growed mule

right down to her knees.

Ravenswood, my pruning shears.

The nurseryman says
it's a losing battle, madam.

Unless you can stop those
noxious vapors being wafted

from the Clampett"
swimming area,

your hibiscus will
have to be taken out.

Go over and speak
to them emphatically.

Help me up.

Begging your pardon, madam,

but the last time I
spoke emphatically,

I was picked up and
tossed into their pool.

Jethro?

Granny.

Well! I'll not let them ruin

my garden party this afternoon.

I shall speak to them myself.

Oh, good show, madam.

If I hear a splash, I
shall come immediately.

Hey, Granny, some more
of the bark off this tree

just fell into your soap.

That's all right,
Jethro, it'll dissolve.

Hey, have you noticed
some of the branches

is turning a mite brown
and puckering up?

Yeah, I reckon
the bugs is after it.

Could it be your soap?

Nah.

Bugs won't go near my soap.

(coughing)

Howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.

What's the matter,
honey, you got the sniffles?

(coughing): No, it's not that.

Granny, could I speak
to you over there?

Why, sure, honey,
and don't you cry.

Whatever's troubling
you, I'm here to help you.

Now, now, now.

Dry them tears
and tell old Granny

what's got you to
bawling like that.

It's your soap.

Oh... you can have all you want.

(laughs)

Feel better now?

It's not that, it's the vapors.

(clicks tongue)

Is it bad?

Yes.

In fact, I've just
heard dreadful news

from my nurseryman.

What'd he say?

He said unless you do something,

he's going to have to
take out my hibiscus.

No!

No.

I'll help you.

Don't let them go
to cutting on you.

Morning, Mrs. Drysdale.

I'm right sorry
about your hibiscus.

Jed, maybe she'd rather
not talk about it in front of you.

Oh, no, that's all right.

I'm glad Mr. Clampett is here.

As you know, your pool area
practically adjoins my garden.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I'm giving a garden
party this afternoon about 3:00.

You will be through cooking soap

and hanging wash
by then, won't you?

Oh, I can be, yeah.

Oh, please do.

The very best people in
Beverly Hills will be there,

and I... I was hoping that
you folks would cooperate.

Oh, we'd be glad to cooperate.

You betcha we will.

But even with our help,

should you be giving a
party with your ailing hibiscus?

(laughs)

Oh, I, I shall rise above that.

Well, don't let 'em take it out.

I'll doctor it back
to health for you.

Well, uh, thank you.

Uh, perhaps tomorrow.

Uh, now, remember, the party
is from 3:00 until about 5:30,

and I'll appreciate it

if all of you will be as
inconspicuous as possible.

Perhaps Jethro could
drive you around in the truck.

Oh, no need to do that.

We can walk over to your place.

And we'll be on time, too.

3:00 sharp.

What?!

Granny, this poor little critter

just can't stand no more
of your soap cooking.

Well, let him go some
other place, then.

Take him over to
your place for a while.

Mrs. Drysdale.

(gasps)

(stammering)

Oh... oh... oh... Oh,
bye, Mrs. Drysdale.

You want some hot soap
to take home with you?

(screams)

Your soap's done, Granny.

It's commencing to thicken.

I'll put the fire out.

Thank you, Jed.

Now, Elly, get rid of that skunk

and start taking
down the clothes.

We got to all pitch in and help
Mrs. Drysdale with her party.

Is she having a party?

She is, with our help.

Poor woman.

She has a ailing hibiscus.

I know; Miss Jane told me.

Hey, Granny, what's a hibiscus?

Never mind;
that's doctor's talk.

Well, we's been studying the
human body over to school,

but we ain't never studied that.

Course not; that's
for grown-ups.

Now, get busy.

You know, Elly, it's a long time

since I run into anyone
with a ailing hibiscus.

It has?

Yeah... and a funny thing.

Not everybody has
'em in the same place.

Well, I reckon that's so.

Yeah.

Did Miss Jane happen to mention

where Mrs. Drysdale's is?

Yes, ma'am, Granny, she
says it's right next to her patio.

Yeah, that's where
they generally is.

A right awkward
place to poultice, too.

And I might add
that the construction

of high-rise buildings
in the Beverly Hills area

is a contributory factor
in the financial upt...

(door opens)

Who let these tramps in?

Get out of here!

See here, you derelicts, you...

(gasping): Mrs. Drysdale.

Ravenswood.

What?

Here, Milburn, have a skunk.

That's only a toy.

I was handed the real thing.

Margaret, what's the
meaning of this masquerade?

It's a graphic illustration

of what will happen
this afternoon,

unless you do something
about those hillbillies.

What do you mean?

They're going to crash
my formal garden party.

Oh, nonsense, they
couldn't care less

about that tea-sipping
poodle pack you run with.

That's true.

They think they've been invited,

and I warn you, Milburn,

if they ruin my garden party...

Now, Margaret, Margaret,
will you relax, dear?

I'll solve this problem

just as I've solved
dozens of others.

Now, you and
Ravenswood run along home

and I'll handle everything.

All right?

All right. Sir.

And please take
the freight elevator.

(chuckling): Tell me,
Chief, just how do you plan

to solve this problem?

Just as I've solved
dozens of others.

I'm turning it over to you.

Well, Elly May,

now that we got your
granny's soap out of the way,

I reckon it's safe for your
critters to get back in their tree.

Well, I'll tell 'em, Pa.

Wait, Jethro.

Don't take Granny's
soap in there yet.

What's the matter
with that girl?

I ain't just for
positive certain,

but I got my suspects.

I was right.

Her and her critters.

Uncle Jed, it was getting

so I couldn't even go
swimming in the cement pond,

there was so many of 'em.

But I fixed that.

What'd you do?

Well, I seen this great big
rubber alligator at the store,

so's I up and bought him and
put him in the cement pond.

There ain't been a
critter near it since.

Yeah, them little fellers
are right shy of gators.

Come on, come on,
get away from here.

I got vittles to cook for
Mrs. Drysdale's garden party.

What's a garden party, Granny?

Well, I ain't sure I know.

Do you, Jed?

Yeah, I been studying on it some

and I think I got it figured.

What you got figured?

Well, when folks has
a barn-raising party,

everybody comes over
and helps you build a barn.

When you have a quilting party,

everybody gets together
and makes a quilt.

So I reckon when
you got a garden party,

everybody comes over
and makes a garden.

Hmm, that figures.

Jethro, you and me
got to get the shovel

and the spade and the tater fork

all honed up nice and
bright 'cause chances are

these Beverly
Hills society folks

is going to show up with
some fancy, shiny tools.

Come on.

Just a minute.

Just a doggone minute.

What's the matter?
Well, when I wanted

to plow up our front
yard and make a garden,

it was the Drysdales
that said I hadn't ought to.

Now, how come they's making one?

I think I got that figured.

What you got figured?

I hear tell Mrs. Drysdale is
overpowering fond of flowers.

I reckon she wants to
make a flower garden.

Hmm, yeah, that figures.

I reckon so.

Come on, Jethro, there's
ground to be turned.

Yeah... that figures.

How's this tater
fork look, Uncle Jed?

Give her a few
more licks, Jethro.

(tires screeching)

Greetings, Mr. Clampett.

And greetings to
you, too, Jethro.

You're looking handsome as ever.

It looks as though
you've decided

to forgo Mrs. Drysdale's party.

Oh, yes, ma'am,
we's all four going.

No, no, no.

I mean it looks as
though you are not going.

Oh, we wouldn't want to
disappoint Mrs. Drysdale.

She invited us special.

And she'll be glad she did when
she sees me get going with this.

Ain't nobody can swing
a fork like this young'un.

Jethro, I know how
much you like food, but...

(chuckles)

that is ridiculous.

GRANNY: Jed, while you're...

Oh, howdy, Miss Jane!

Granny. It's good to see you.

Jed, put a edge on this thing

while I have a little
private talk with Miss Jane.

Yeah, Granny.

Now, what is it, Granny?

Well, I promised Mrs. Drysdale

that I would do my best
to doctor her hibiscus.

Oh, that's wonderful of you.

I know she's terribly
worried about it.

Yeah, the poor thing was
crying the last time I seen her.

Tell me, just how bad is it?

Well, I'd say it's
about half gone.

No!

Yes. One side has
withered and turned brown.

Oh, this is gonna take
some doing to save that.

Yes, the nurseryman is in favor

of just taking it
out completely.

No, no, no!

I told Mrs. Drysdale
that, don't let 'em do that.

Cutting something
out is a last resort.

Well, I'm sure Mrs.
Drysdale agrees with you.

She wants
desperately to save it.

She's had two
blue ribbons on it.

Don't you tell her I told you,

but that ain't
gonna help nothing.

Here you are, Granny.

You can split a
frog's hair with that.

Oh, thank you, Jed.

Come on out to the
kitchen, Miss Jane.

I'm mincing me some crawdads
for Mrs. Drysdale's party.

Oh, no, no, no, wait.

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

Please don't go.

What? What?

And disappoint Mrs. Drysdale?

Just when she needs us?

And we give our promise?

Please believe me,
you will not enjoy it.

Well, this is a poor time for us

to be thinking of
our own enjoyment,

when you-know-who has
got a withered you-know-what.

Uncle Jed, everything's
honed and sharpened.

Howdy, Miss Jane.

Are you going to the party?

No, Elly, and I hope
none of you will go either.

What?! What?!

What's got into you?!

Now, hold on,
everybody, I'll handle this.

Miss Jane, you know
how fond we are of you.

You've been a good friend to us.

But I reckon the time has come

when we got to do
what we know is right,

and we're going to that party.

All right, if you insist.

But you can't go to a
garden party in those clothes.

Oh, of course not.

We're gonna put
on our old clothes.

Old clothes?!

Yes, ma'am.

You can't expect us
to do gardening work

in our good clothes.

But you don't garden
at a formal garden party.

What do you do?

You stand around and sip tea

and listen to music
and boring conversation.

Now, do you still
insist upon going?

All right, but first, will
you do one thing for me?

Chief, I would like you
to meet a society family

who are on their way to your
wife's formal garden party.

Are you kidding?

I've got no time for those
professional tea tasters.

I think you're going
to like these people.

Entrez.

Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Jed Clampett.

Elly May... Jethro?

And Granny.

Can that be you?

I ain't sure.

It don't look like me.

(laughs)

Miss Hathaway,
how did you do it?

Well, Chief, the fact that
the bank held a mortgage

on a certain movie
studio was a great help.

Mr. Drysdale, you
coming to the party?

Well, I don't ordinarily,
but I will today.

Well, we'll see you there.

Bye. So long.

Good-bye.

He don't act a bit worried
about his wife's hibiscus.

He couldn't care less.

His wife's the one
with the green thumb.

Oh, so that's where it is.

(slow-tempo waltz playing)

Oh, hello there, Millicent!

So glad you could come.

Come on, Uncle Jed,
the party's starting.

Hear that music?

Yeah, but we got to wait
for our womenfolks, Jethro.

How come they's late?

Women is always late, Jethro.

Well, how come?

No man can answer that.

Probably no women neither.

There sure is a lot of pretty
girls over there at the party.

Can I sweet-talk
me one, Uncle Jed?

Chances are she'd
be with a feller.

If I whupped the fella,
can I sweet-talk her then?

No, Jethro.

This being our first Beverly
Hills high society garden party,

I reckon we ought
to just watch the folks

and not go to scrappin'.

Unless, of course,
everybody else does.

In which case, be careful
of your borrowed clothes.

Yes, sir.

ELLY MAY: Pa?

Elmer and me's ready.

Elly, I don't recall Elmer
being invited to the party.

Well, can I take
him, please, Pa?

Well, I reckon not, Elly.

No fightin' or
scrappin' neither.

Well, this party sure
ain't gonna be much fun.

Oh, yes it is! I
made sure of that!

Remember now, Granny's
rheumatiz medicine

is just for old folks,
with rheumatiz.

Or for not-so-old folks
who want to ward it off.

Providing, of course,
they's married.

Well, come on,
everybody, let's load up

and cut through the
hedge and get to the party.

Bye, Elmer.

Dorothy! All the way
from Santa Barbara!

How lovely!

Oh...

(low, indistinct
conversation, music playing)

I beg your pardon, gentlemen.

Have we met?

I hope to kiss a pig we have.

We's your next door neighbors.

My smelling salts!

Looks like we got
here in the nick of time.

She's looking a little peaked.

You just leave
everything to us, honey.

All right, you young'uns,
get them chitlins

and that crawdad dip
on the table over there.

Crawdad dip?

It's finger-licki" good, ma'am.

And so is these little
hot possum sausages,

just a-swimmi"
in hog renderings.

Don't burn yourself.

Anything tastes good
after a few swigs of this.

(chuckles)

Ravenswood, help!

Granny always
brings a couple of jugs

to barn-raisings
and quilting parties.

I've seen a jug of this raise a
barn purty near single-handed!

(laughs)

And it gets credit for
some right crazy quilts, too.

(laughs)

Want me to put these
on the table, Uncle Jed?

Yeah, Jethro.

But, uh, pass the word around.

Nobody to touch
it but married folks.

Now, what can we do
to help you the most?

(inhales)

(slow waltz playing)

How soon did she
say the overflow

would commence to
overflowing over here?

She didn't say no
particular time, Jethro.

But when it commences,
we's in charge of it.

I'll see how it's
going over there.

My possum sausages
will be stone cold!

Granny, want me to take 'em in

and put 'em on the
stove for you for a spell?

Thank you, Elly.

But be careful.

Don't splatter any hog
renderings on your party dress.

I won't, Granny.

I don't blame them
young'uns for getting restless.

I'm getting a mite
squirmy myself.

Me, too.

Granny, I'd ask you to dance,

but that is the
sorriest dancing music

I ever listened to.

Only one thing sorrier.

What's that?

This stuff they
call fruit punch.

It don't have much body to it.

Tastes like it was drawed
off a barrel of rainwater

that some apples dropped into.

Pitiful, pitiful.

Jed...

you know what that
stuff needs, don't you?

I sure do.

(chuckles)

At least the overflow folks

will get their
whistle wet proper.

(laughs) JETHRO: Uncle Jed.

Uncle Jed.

How's the party going, Jethro?

Terrible.

Everybody's just
standing around.

The only one moving
is that fiddler player.

He's moving?

Yeah, he keeps walking
up to different people,

playing in their faces.

And they still won't dance!

Well, it ain't altogether
their fault, Jethro.

He plays that thing like
he's stove up with rheumatiz.

Uncle Jed, I'm getting tired

of standing around
in these here clothes.

Can I go swimming?

Yeah, I reckon so, Jethro.

Granny and me will
take care of the overflow.

Yee-hah!

Judging from what's
showed up so far,

that alligator in the
pond can handle 'em.

Alligator!

Granny, that ain't no...

Granny! Thought I seen
that varmint this morning,

but I wasn't sure!

Granny!

Granny, that ain't
no real live alligator.

It ain't now!

I blowed a hole in him you
could swim a catfish through!

(chuckles)

Granny, I reckon
it's a mite late

to be telling you
now, but... MAN: Hey!

Hey, what happened?

Everybody all right?

Howdy, young feller.

Uh, my name is Jed Clampett.

Curt Massey.

And this here's Granny.

Howdy! How do you do?

Say, we been listening
to you sawin' on that thing.

Uh, kind of sluggish, ain't it?

Well, that's what
they want over there.

Well, it ain't what
we want over here!

Now, come on. We
got the overflow here.

Come on, let's liven
things up a little bit.

May I have some
of the punch first?

I recommend it.

Come on, everybody,
get some punch.

Here comes the hot sausages.

This here's my
daughter Elly May.

And that young fella
carrying the sausages

is my nephew Jethro.

Well, howdy.

Wow! Hey, Fred!

Howdy.

Wow-wee!

Hey, Doris!

Hey, fellas!

(lively music playing)

Hey, Granny, hurry up
with the possum sausages.

And we need more
crawdad dip, too.

A hundred more people
just come through the hedge!

Ravenswood, did you
find anyone in the house?

No, madam, it's as
deserted as the garden.

Oh, dear.

Um, madam, might I have
the rest of the afternoon off?

What?

Oh, uh, yes, I suppose so.

Oh, thank you, madam.

The party over so soon?

It's only 4:30.

Those dreadful hillbillies
have stolen all my guests...

All 300 of them!

(lively music playing,
people chatting, laughing)

Milburn!

(lively music playing,
people chatting & laughing)

Yee-hah!

Why, I say, this is
ripping, you know!

(shouting, laughing)

JED: Mrs. Drysdale, can
I see you for a minute?

Make way for the
hot possum sausages!

(whispering): Be careful
of her hibiscus, Jed.

Dandy party, Mrs. Drysdale.

Thank you, Mr. Clampett.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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