The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 10 - Turkey Day - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Shh.

♪ Can you stuff a turkey good ♪

♪ Billy Boy, Billy Boy? ♪

♪ Can you stuff a turkey good ♪

♪ For Thanksgiving? ♪

♪ She can stuff a turkey good ♪

♪ Like a turkey stuffer should ♪

♪ But she's a young thing ♪

♪ And cannot leave her mother ♪

♪ Can she roast
a turkey brown... ♪

Don't pay no attention to
what Granny's singing, Turkey.

Where'd you go?

Here, turkey, turkey.

Here, turkey, turkey.
Don't be scared.

Granny don't mean no harm.

See? I brought you
some nice stuffing.

I-I mean bread.

♪ Is she fixing gravy, too ♪

♪ Billy Boy, Billy Boy? ♪

♪ Fixing giblet gravy, too ♪

♪ For Thanksgiving? ♪

♪ Yes, she's fixing gravy, too ♪

♪ Like her mama used to do ♪

♪ She's a young thing ♪

♪ And cannot leave her mother ♪

♪ Can she make a pumpkin pie ♪

♪ Billy... ♪

Hold on, Elly.

Oh, morning, Pa.

What you got there?

Oh, this here's a
raccoon name of Elmer.

Elly May.

Yes, sir, Pa?

I know that's a
raccoon name of Elmer.

What you got in the sack?

What sack?

Sack you're totin'.

Sack I'm totin'?

Yeah, the sack that turkey
just stuck his head out of.

(gobbling)

(whispering): Told
you to stay out of sight.

Elly May, come here.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Elly May, I told you
not to go friendlying up

with that turkey bird so
close before Thanksgiving.

Well, it wasn't me,
Pa, it was Elmer here.

Was it Elmer chucked
him in that sack?

Well, he didn't do it alone.

I kind of helped him.

Well, you kind of
help him take him out

and put him back in his pen.

Mr. Drysdale give us that
bird for a meal, not a pet.

He's awful smart, Pa.

And friendly, too.

Why, I learned
him to shake hands.

Well, Elly, he ain't likely
to be going into politics.

I'll just take him
out of the sack,

and he can shake hands with you.

I don't want to shake his hand.

What's gonna happen
to him is bad enough

without him thinking
a friend done it to him.

Now, put him back
and leave him be.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Come on, Elmer, let's put
poor old Herman back in the pen.

(raccoon chirping)

Herman.

I declare, Duke, if Mr. Drysdale
give us a string of weenies,

that girl'd make
pets out of 'em!

Jed, can I borrow that old
hound dog for a minute?

Well, sure, Granny. What for?

The turkey got away.

And I want old Duke
to sniff out his trail.

Oh, you don't need
old Duke, Granny.

Yes, I do, Jed.

My nose ain't
what it used to be.

It was Elly let Herman
out... Uh, the turkey.

Herman?!

Don't tell me she's making a pet

out of our Thanksgiving
vittles, is she?

No, no, she's putting him back.

Well, that's better.

It's been a whole year

since the Drysdales sat
down at the table with us.

And we got to put on the dog.

(groans)

Oh, don't worry, Duke.

When folks says they's
"putting on the dog,"

it just means they're
doing things fancy.

Yeah, Duke.

Like dressing up in your
Sunday-go-to-meeting best

and having vittles in
the fancy eating room.

That reminds me, I told Jethro

to put the company chairs
around the fancy eating table.

Best go and see how he's doing.

Didn't aim to scare you, Duke.

Come on, now.

Get them worry
wrinkles out of your head.

Us old folks has
got to stick together.

Uncle Jed, Granny, Elly, me,

Mr. Drysdale, Mrs.
Drysdale, Miss Jane...

How's it coming, Jethro?

Oh, fine, Uncle Jed.

By doggies, there's
one thing you got to say

about the folks out here,

they believe in building a good,

strong eating table.

Why, you could serve up
a whole barbecued steer

on this thing and
not bow it none.

Oh, yes, sir.

Hey, you remember
that little feller

that came home from
school with me the other day?

Yeah. Well, he says

this here room is what
you call a billiard room.

And...

this here table is what
you call a billiard table.

Hmm.

And you know what
I got figured out?

What?

This here rascal must
be what you call a billiard.

Well, doggies.

I always wondered
what that critter was.

Mean-lookin', ain't he?

That's a fact.

Judging from the size of his
head, he must be monstrous big.

I reckon that's why they had
to build a extra strong table.

You reckon we could shoot
one of these sometime?

They live around
here in Beverly Hills?

I reckon so.

This little feller says
his pa shoots billiards

couple nights a week.

Hunt 'em at night, do they?

Yes, sir.

I ain't so sure I'd want
to run into him in the dark.

Powerful ugly, huh?

Well, maybe that's
one good thing

about catching us a billiard.

I don't reckon even Elly'd
want to make a pet out of him.

(laughing)

(gobbling)

What's that turkey
doing in my sink?

Well, he's just watching me
stir him up a pan of grits, Granny.

With my gravy?!

He's right partial to your
grits and gravy, Granny.

Why, he'd like to
shake your hand.

Well, I'm mighty pleased to...

Get that bird out of here!

And I don't want to
see him in my kitchen

until he's dressed
and ready for the oven!

Well, that kind of talk
gets him all scared.

Granny was just
a-greenin' you, Herman.

No, I wasn't!

Now, you take him out to
the pen like your pa told you.

And take his last meal with him.

Shake hands with a turkey.

I ain't grabbing no drumstick
that grabs back at me.

Look, Granny,

Herman's a-strutti"
his feathers for you.

Both of you, get out of here.

Well, Granny, I'm
ready for that gobbler.

Oh, praise be.

If we leave him around
Elly much longer,

he'll be wanting dessert
and coffee with his meals!

All right, now, Herman,

you ain't gonna let
'em scare you no more.

Is it a deal?

Attaboy.

Now, you do your best to
make friends with everybody.

(gobbling)

Oh, uh, Elly May, uh,
would you do me a favor?

Well, sure, Pa.

Would you, uh, shinny up that,
uh, walnut tree out back there

and, uh, pick me a
nice big sack of nuts?

I sure will, Pa.

And you can visit with Herman.

Yeah. Hmm?

Ooh, uh... Well,
now, uh, Herman...

Uh, Mr. Gobbler,

I reckon the quicker we
get this over with, the better.

(gobbling)

No, I'm sorry. I
don't usually refuse

a hand offered in
friendship, but in this case,

I just got a feeling it
wouldn't be lasting.

No hard feelings.

I got nothing agin' you.

You're, as turkeys go, I reckon

you're right up there
with the best, but...

(gobbling)

I'd appreciate it if you
wouldn't look at me like that.

Oh, what's the use?

I can't do it.

(gobbling)

Reckon we just got to shoot us

one of them billiards
for Thanksgiving.

(gobbling)

That there is what you
call a Beverly Hills billiard.

I don't care what you
call it, I ain't gonna cook it.

Now, Granny, the folks
that lived here before us

must have found
them pretty tasty.

This here table was built
just special for billiards.

I don't care.

Anything that looks that
mean gotta taste mean.

Besides, it's too big to cook.

Well, I could dig you a
barbecue pit out back.

No, sir.

Mr. Drysdale give us a turkey,
and I got the stuffing made,

and, by dingies, I want that
turkey cleaned and dressed

and no more foolishness!

I'm sorry, Granny,
I just can't do it.

Maybe Jethro can.

He ain't got acquainted
with Herman like I have.

Do what, Granny?

Clean and dress a turkey.

Can you do it?

I reckon so. Well, get at it.

It's back of the
kitchen in that pen.

Yes, ma'am.

I declare, I never
thought I'd see the day

that Jed Clampett was
scared to kill a turkey.

Heaven help him if he
ever meets up with a billiard!

Hey, Granny, I got the
turkey all cleaned and dressed.

Fetch him in; I'm ready.

Yes'm.

Put him in the pan.

What in tarnation?!

Do you call that
dressing a turkey?

Well, I did the best I could.

I didn't have no
clothes that'd fit him.

I borrowed them clothes from
a little feller down the street.

I think he's kind
of cute, myself.

So does he.

He even shook my hand.

Well, howdy there, Miss Jane.

Greetings, Mr. Clampett.

I wonder if I might
borrow one of Granny's

ancient, outdoor cooking pots.

Why, you bet you can.

But ain't you taking
Thanksgiving vittles with us?

Oh, yes, indeed.

I merely wanted to
borrow the venerable vessel

as a photographic prop.

You see, Mr. and Mrs.
Drysdale are posing as

Governor and Mrs.
Bradford in a re-creation of

the first Thanksgiving,
some 342 years ago,

when the Algonquian
Squanto and Massasoit

befriended the beleaguered
pilgrims and so made it possible

to perpetuate the Plymouth
Colony and bring into being

what is now one of the
most important holidays

on the American calendar.

What was it you wanted again?

A pot.

Oh, yeah!

I'll fetch it right out.

MARGARET: Milburn! Hurry!

Oh, here you are!

So sorry for the delay.

Miss Hathaway is
out getting a kettle,

and Mr. Drysdale doesn't
have his costume on as yet.

Uh...

paleface squaw
descendant of pilgrim.

He present when red
brother bring turkey for feast.

Uh, me grateful to red brother.

Milburn!

Hurry!

What was she talking about?

As near as I can figure,

she's got a brother
who's a Communist.

What nation you from?

You from Mohican?

Uh... Kennebec?

Algonquin?

Where are you from?

Central Casting.

Oh!

There you are, Miss Jane.

Uh, now you got somebody
to help you unload it

over to the Drysdales'?

Oh, yes, and thank
you; I'm so grateful.

My pleasure.

Say, uh, maybe you
can tell me something.

Gladly.

Whereabouts would
a fella go around here

to shoot his self a billiard?

Billiard?

Oh, you mean the
game! Shoot billiards.

Yes, ma'am.

Ordinarily, one
would go to a bill...

Billiard parlor.

A parlor?

Indoors? Definitely.

Oh, oh, not a parlor as
you know it, Mr. Clampett.

No, it's a large room
with several tables,

and people come
in and shoot billiards.

Indoors? Yes.

You see, you see,
the tables on which...

Wait a minute...

You have one in
your billiard room.

Yes, ma'am, and I got to say

it's the ugliest
thing I ever did see.

Well, that's a matter
of individual taste.

They're quite expensive,

and many Beverly
Hills mansions have one.

Usually, you'll find
them in the playroom,

or the game room,
or the billiard room.

But they keep 'em in the house?

Always.

I sure would've figured
billiards for outdoors.

Never out in the weather, no.

Oh! The Drysdales are waiting.

I'll see you later.

Yes, ma'am. Bye.

Granny, would you believe it,

these Beverly Hills folks

keep them big ugly
billiards indoors.

And for pets.

No! Yeah.

Don't that take the
rag off'n the bush?

It sure does.

Now you go and take the
head off of that gobbler.

Granny, I just can't do that

to a critter that keeps
wanting to shake my hand.

What is the matter with you?

Why, back home you
used to bring home

a great big gobbler
every Thanksgiving!

Yeah, but they was wild turkeys

that I hunted and
shot out in the woods.

They had a sporting chance.

Well, then you take our'n out

and turn it loose in
the woods and hunt it.

By dingies, I think
you got an idea there.

I hope so.

When the Drysdales come to eat,

they want to see that bird
settin' on the table, not at it!

So sorry to keep
noble chiefs waiting.

Husband not in costume yet.

If Indian thirsty,

paleface squaw be
happy bring refreshment.

Crazy. I'll have a beer.

Make mine a dry martini.

Indian want... firewater?

Very dry.

Ten firewater to one vermouth.

All right.

Hey, where are y'all
going with Herman?

Oh, uh, Jethro and
me is taking him out

in the woods to go hunting.

Oh, good, he'll like that.

You want to go
hunting with us, Elly?

I brung Granny's shotgun.

Well, no, uh,
Elly can't do that.

She got to take them
walnuts in to her granny.

And then she's got to go find
her granny some hickory nuts.

Well, where, Pa?

I ain't seen a single hickory
tree on this whole place.

Well, why don't you try
over to the Drysdales?

They might just
have one. Yes, sir.

Why, they ain't got
none of the hick... Shh!

Hurry with the hickory nuts.

Drive on, Jethro.

Bye, Elly. Bye.

Have a good time, Herman!

There.

We're going to have a
very authentic reproduction

of the first Thanksgiving.

Massasoit.

And you are Squanto.

Uh, no, lady,

that's the clown that rides
around with the Lone Ranger.

(laughs)

Hi-ho!

(laughter)

DRYSDALE: No, I-I won't do it!

I won't!

Please, Milburn!

I will not have my picture
taken in this ridiculous getup!

But it'll be in the
society section tomorrow.

Oh, no, it won't!

Please... redskin
help paleface squaw.

Paleface squaw speak
with forked tongue.

No bring redskin firewater.

Oh, I forgot!

Miss Hathaway, quickly...

One beer and one firewater...
I mean, uh, dry martini.

I-I could use one
of those myself.

Grab him!

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, Milburn, I'll fix
you a drink myself.

I just don't want you
disappearing again!

Let go of me!

Sorry, mister.

You no pose, we no get paid.

Come on now, hold still.

(Drysdale grunting)

(grunting)

Aah! Aah!

(Drysdale growling, grunting)

♪ Can she roast a turkey
brown, Billy Boy, Billy Boy? ♪

♪ Can she roast a turkey
brown, charming Billy? ♪

♪ She can roast a turkey brown ♪

♪ Quick as Jed shoots him down ♪

♪ She's a young thing and... ♪

ELLY MAY: Granny,
Granny, get the gun!

Injuns! Get your gun!

The Injuns is attacking!

Injuns! You mean
redskin savages?

Yes, ma'am. They's
on the warpath.

They done captured Mr. Drysdale.

Where's my gun, Elly?

Elly, where is my gun, Elly?

Jethro took it to the woods
with him this morning,

when him and Pa went hunting.

Ah, just like my
granny always said.

Them redskins wait until
the menfolks disappear

with the guns, and
then they attack!

What'll we do, Granny?

We'll fight 'em tooth and nail!

We'll sell our scalps dear!

Come on child, but
protect your hair!

(loud clang)

Now then, happy
pilgrims, happy Algonquin.

Chief, you look terrible.

What do you want
for this kind of dough,

Custer's last stand?

Oh, no, no, no.

I meant my chief, Mr. Drysdale.

Now, then, everyone, smile.

Smile.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it...

Ah! Excellent!

Good-bye, all.

Wait, Milburn.

The next is the most
important picture of all,

where the Indians
give us the turkey.

Oh, Margaret.

I shall reload the camera
while you get the bird.

Where is the turkey?

It was in a crate
right over there.

Oh, if that's the one you
mean, I gave it to the Clampetts.

You what?!

Well, they did invite us
over for Thanksgiving dinner.

It seemed the least I could do.

I am not eating with
those dreadful people.

Then I am not posing
for these dreadful pictures.

Please, Milburn, go
get the turkey back.

No! They'll think
I'm an Indian giver!

No offense, fellas.

Then I'll get it.

Oh, no! I'm not going to
have you insulting them.

Look, tell us
where the turkey is,

and we'll get it.

At the Clampetts',
right through that hedge.

Right through there?

Come on, friend,
right through there.

Uh, tell them you
just want to borrow it.

They can have it back. What?!

There's two of 'em
coming through the hedge.

They ain't toting guns.

We'll hide and ambush 'em!

Remember, now, don't
let 'em grab your hair.

Jump him!

Whoa!

Where'd everybody go?

Come on, let's fight.

Let's fight.

Well, I reckon we got
to go in and face Granny.

She's gonna be powerful mad.

Yeah, but Elly's gonna
be powerful happy.

With Herman, that's
two happys to one mad.

I'm kind of happy myself.

So am I, Jethro.

Well, let's get him
around the back.

You fetch the gun.

(Herman gobbling)

Come on, Herman.

(squeaking)

Outside of a politician,

I ain't ever seen any
critter so all-fired anxious

to shake a man's hand.

Keep a sharp lookout, Elly.

Them redskins is tricky rascals.

Yes'm, Granny.

(man grunting)

Keep quiet, you!

Don't you try to signal
the rest of your tribe!

Lay down, you
hair-stealin' varmint!

Granny... Granny,
I hear something.

(turkey gobbling)

It's a turkey gobble.

(turkey gobbling)

There it is again.

Don't let it fool you, child.

That's an old Indian trick.

They's sneaking up to attack.

Lookie! Yonder comes Pa
and Jethro with the guns!

We's saved! We's saved, Elly!

We is saved!

We is saved!

BOTH: We're saved! We're saved!

(shouting happily)

Oh, quick, let 'em in before
they get a arrow in the back.

Now you're gonna
get it, you red devils!

Granny, what in
tarnation you got here?

Some bloodthirsty savages,
that's what we got here!

And don't you never go off

and leave us
without any firearms,

unless you want to come home

and find a couple of
bald-headed women!

Sure, they tried to scalp us,

but we jumped them first.

Well, how in the world
could there be wild Indians

in Beverly Hills?

Any place that can have
them ornery-lookin' billiards

can have Injuns.

The next time you
get me a job like this,

I want stuntman's pay.

Injun, I reckon you better stay

till my Uncle Jed
says you can go.

Oy vay iz mir!

Anybody understand Injun talk?

Here, have a slug of
Granny's rheumatiz medicine.

Thank you.

It'll get the kinks
out of your joints.

So, here you are lollygagging
while we're waiting.

And you, always
after the firewater!

You'll never work for me again!

If I do, I'll want to
read the script first!

(angry muttering)

Well, shame on you!

I warned you not
to come over here

and insult these people.

I'm not insulting anybody.

I'm being insulted.

Oh, baloney! What's
keeping everybody?

The turkey's right outside!

ELLY MAY: Don't you
dare touch Herman!

JANE: Who's Herman?

Now, hold on. I want my money!

(all talking at once)

Hold on. Quiet down, everybody!

Oh, never mind.

Seems to me that Thanksgiving
is a mighty poor time

for folks to be yelling and
arguing at one another.

I realize we got a whole heap

of misunderstandings
to sort out,

and I think we all
ought to sit down

and start sorting them out.

Granny, this is mighty
fine Thanksgiving vittles.

Best-tasting fish I ever ate.

What'd you say this
was called again, Chief?

Gefilte fish.

My mother fixed it.

By dingies, you Indians
sure do know how to cook.

That's a fact, Granny.

That there chicken
soup was the best ever.

Everything is delicious.

DRYSDALE: Marvelous dinner.

Delightful.

Herman and me sure
like it, don't we, Herman?

(gobbling)

By the way,
Mr. Clampett, do you know

you're eating on
a billiard table?

Yes, sir, I do.

And next year,

we gonna have us one of
them rascals for Thanksgiving.

I still say I ain't
a-gonna cook it.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways Presentation.