The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 2, Episode 1 - Jed Gets the Misery - full transcript

Jed cheers up Grannie by pretending to be sick so she can doctor him. Soon Drysdale and his doctor, Clyburn, are subject to her methods as well.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shooting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Elly May, Jethro!

Jethro?

Elly May, come a' running.

Fetch my medicine.

Heat the water.

Jed's got the misery.

Elly Mae! Jethro!

JED: Granny!

He's sinking fast.

Granny!

Quiet down. I ain't
as sick as all that!

You get back into
your bed and stay there!

All right, I'll do it if
you just calm down.

I'm calm! Now
you do as I tell you!

You're a sick man.

You're deathly sick!

All right, all right.

Hurry, Elly, come quick.

Uncle Jed's sick!

I'm coming. (goat bleating)

What can I do to help, Granny?

You can get them varmints
and them critters out of here.

Don't you know your pa is sick?

Yes, ma'am, Granny,
but don't worry.

They won't catch nothing.

Get 'em out of here!

Get 'em out.

Jethro, you go get me
a mud dauber's nest,

some retch weed, some
dogbane, some stump water,

and dried, uh, beetles
and some lizard eggs.

I got doctoring to do.

I ain't never knowed
Pa to be sick before.

That man's never
ailed a day in his life.

What you reckon it is?

City living, that's what it is.

There ain't enough outdoors
for a mountain man like Jed.

They keep filling
it up with buildings.

First thing you know,

all the outdoors is
gonna be indoors.

Granny!

What in tarnation?!

I couldn't find no
stump water, Granny,

so I dug this up.

Now you can make your own.

Jethro, don't you know

that stump water has
got to set in the stump

to green up for 30 to 40 days
in order to get any power?

Now, give Elly the retch weed
and get this mess out of here.

I couldn't find no retch
weed, nor dogbane, neither.

Couldn't find no lizard
eggs, nor dried beetles.

(teary): How can you be
a doctor in Beverly Hills

without the proper medicine?

Well, what'll we do?

How we gonna get Pa well?

Well, I'll have to make do

with some
old-fashioned remedies.

Now you go up
and set with your pa,

and let me know if
he goes to sinking.

Yes'm, Granny.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Get this stump out of here!

And don't make any noise.

Don't you know that your
Uncle Jed is at death's door?

Blooey!

Got him, Duke.

Nice, big, fat
honker flying south.

Blooey!

Got us another one.

We gonna have goose
and dumplings tonight!

Pa?

Just a minute, Elly.

Come in! I mean,
uh... (weakly): come in.

Pa?

Pa, I'm terrible worried!

You ain't never
been sick before.

Oh, don't you worry, Elly.

Ain't nobody better at
doctoring than Granny.

(teary): But, Pa, Granny
can't find the proper medicine,

and you might sink away and
pass before she can save you!

No, no, Granny'll
pull me through.

(crying): I'm
scared for you, Pa!

Now, now, Elly,
don't go to crying.

Look, if you can keep a
secret, I'll tell you the truth.

I ain't really sick.

I'm just pretending
for your granny's sake.

What you mean?

Well, remember back home,

how folks was always
coming over to our place

to let Granny doctor 'em?

Yeah. Remember how
happy it made Granny?

Yeah, especially if
one of 'em got better.

That's right.

But folks out here
got city doctors,

and they don't need Granny,

and she misses it
something terrible.

You reckon that's why

she's been so
down-in-the-mouth here lately?

Course!

You should have seen her
when I told her I was ailing.

Why, she commenced to
bouncing and jumping around,

worrying about me
being at death's door.

I ain't seen her
so happy in a year!

Hold on, Jed, I'm a' coming.

Hurry with my medicine, Jethro.

Jed, I don't want to worry you,

but you're a awful sick man!

Granny?

Shh. Save your strength.

Your wrinkling awful fast.

Granny, your specs
is all steamed up.

That's Duke.

Well, get him off the bed!

Jed, I don't want to worry you,

but you're a awful sick man.

I know it, Granny,

but if anybody can
save me, it's you.

That's the truth.

Ain't nobody can
doctor like you.

It ain't no credit to me.

I was born with the gift.

Here's your medicine, Granny.

Hey, Uncle Jed, you
don't look sick to me.

Hey, come on, let's you
and me go hunting. Come on.

Look, see, Granny... he's
dressed to go hunting now.

GRANNY: I'm ashamed of you!

Now, Granny, I...

Don't you know that every
mountain man wants to go

to his reward with his boots
on and his gun at his side?

Now, cover him up.

Not all the way!

He ain't gone yet!

And I ain't gonna
let you go, Jed.

Thank you, Granny.

Now, let's get busy.

Jethro, get my medical tray

on set it on the bed.

Yes, Granny. Elly May,

shut the door and the windows.

We got to trap them
city germs that's in here

and commence to fighting 'em!

Yes'm, Granny.

Jethro, drop this
in my boiling water,

and get my vapors to fusilating.

Yes'm.

This is a make-do remedy,
Jed, because Jethro

couldn't get me any stump
water, dogbane, or lizard eggs.

Uh, what is it you're
fixing to give me, Granny?

Brand new, Jed.

It's in the trying-out stages.

Who have you tried it out on?

Well, no human beings yet.

But I did give it to
that big black bear

that used to come
around the old cabin

honey-stealing all the time.

By doggies,

I believe that's his
hide hanging there.

Hey!

Here, Elly, light the
fumigating candles.

Jethro, start a fire

and throw some of
that skunk weed on it.

I'll put them germs down
with my putting-down powder!

Nothing can live
through this, Jed.

I believe you, Granny.

Boy, Granny, you sure are
giving them city germs what for.

Betwixt the fusilating
vapors, fumigating candles

and putting-down powders,
them germs has got to give up.

I'm gonna save that poor,
sick, miserable, frail old man,

or my name ain't Doctor.

JED: Granny?!

Granny!

You get back to bed,

you poor, sick,
miserable, frail old man.

Granny, I can't breathe.

That's why I'm doctoring
you, you darn fool!

Now get!

Granny, will you
listen for a minute?

You get back to bed.

Don't you know that
you're at death's door?

JETHRO: Don't hurt him, Granny!

I'll take a club to him

if he don't lay down
like I tell him to.

Go fetch my shoes.

Two, three, four,
hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Well, Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Oh, good morning, Elly May.

What you doing?

Well, I'm taking my
morning constitutional.

You are? Yes.

It's got me in the best
shape since my army days!

Here, feel that.

(laughs)

And they say
bankers are soft, eh?

Well, you sure
are nice and soft.

Maybe by mountain standards
I'm no Tarzan, but I assure you

my Beverly Hills physician
is going to be amazed

when he examines
me this morning.

How come?

Because of my condition!

You know, every...
every morning,

I walk all the way
from my front door,

across your lawn, and
over to that birdbath.

Why? Ain't you got
no place to wash up?

(laughs)

How's your father?

Well, right now, he's trying
to get Granny cheered up.

She's been missing the hills
back home something awful!

Oh, what's the matter?
Is something wrong?

Well, you see, back home,

folks was always coming
to Granny for doctoring.

Nothing pleasures her like
telling folks what ails 'em

and what to do about it.

Well, I'll do my bit.

Granny, Mr. Drysdale
wants to talk to you.

Yes, Granny, I need your advice

and your help.

He's ailing, Granny,
feeling right poorly.

GRANNY: Stick out your tongue.

It's them city germs.

Yes, I agree.

Now, can you help me?

I'm probably the
only one who can.

Jethro, get him
up to the sick room

and see that he gets
to bed right away.

No, no, I don't
have time for that.

Just a little poultice
or something

I can take with
me to the office.

Get him up to bed, Jethro.

No, really, it's
not that serious.

Besides, I have an
examination at 10:00.

You'll be examined
when I get around to you!

Now, get him up to
bed, Jethro! Yes, Granny.

Then you go find me
some stump water!

Wait, stop! Put me down!

I haven't got time for this.

I've got to get down...

Mewly patients, no stump water.

It ain't easy being a
doctor in Beverly Hills.

JANE: Uh-huh. Yes.

(laughing): Fine.

All right, thank
you, Mrs. Drysdale.

I'll try there.

She thinks he may have stopped
at the Clampetts, next door.

You're going to be amazed
when you examine the chief.

I am? He's in splendid
physical condition.

Been walking every morning.

To the bank?

No, to the neighbor's birdbath,
but it's a nice little jaunt.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

Most bankers are
soft as marshmallows.

Until you try to borrow
money from them.

Oh, hello, Granny.

Jane Hathaway here.

Is Mr. Drysdale there?

May I sp...? What?!

Sick in bed?

At your house?

Well, I'll send his
doctor right over.

What's that?!

I said

he's already got the best
doctor in Beverly Hills!

Now, excuse me,
I'm too busy to talk!

She says he already has
the best doctor in Beverly Hills.

I better get over
there right away.

Best doctor in Beverly Hills?

How can there be two of us?

Pa, it's me, Elly.

JED: Come in.

Mr. Drysdale!

What are you doing up here?

A funny thing happened to
me on my way to the birdbath!

Granny will be up here directly

to give you some more medicine.

Oh, no, not me! I'm
getting out of here!

Elly May, leave the room!

What... What did Jethro
do with my clothes?

Well, he gave them to
Granny to have them fumigated.

Well, clothes or no
clothes, I am leaving.

You ain't got no chance
of getting down them steps.

Granny watches them like a hawk.

Let's go take a
look out the window.

Oh, it's pretty far to jump.

Well, maybe you can make it
to the limb of that tree yonder.

I'm in pretty good
shape, but not that good!

GRANNY: Shut that window!

I just had these germs put down,

and now you opened the
window and let them in again.

Well, Granny, Mr. Drysdale
feels pretty good.

I think maybe he's well.

You get back to bed!

Oh, no, no, he's-he's
right, Granny.

I-I feel wonderful,
perfectly marvelous!

'Course you do!

I been doctoring you.

Oh, and you're sensational!

You know, you've made me well?

I had you well.

Then you opened that window
and breathed in some more germs.

Oh, no, I didn't,
honest, honest.

I opened the window,
but... but I didn't breathe!

Oh, I swear it!

I held my breath,
didn't I, Mr. Clampett?

Well, Granny, I swear I ain't
actually seen him take a breath

in five or ten minutes.

Lung lock!

What?

(coughing)

That got him breathin'.

But he's still
wheezing an awful lot!

You get into bed!

Get into bed!
(coughing): Granny,

I've got to get to the bank.

You've got to get into bed!

No, really, I can't.

Don't you know

that your life is
hanging by a thread?

Get into bed!

Get into bed.

Get in that bed, you durn fool,

and lie down!

Now, this calls

for a different
kind of medicine.

I'm going down to the
kitchen and whop it up.

Neither one of you get a foot
out of that bed, you hear me?

(doorbell ringing)

You just lay there
and listen to that music.

And be glad it ain't
harps you're hearing!

Well, howdy there!

I knowed somebody was coming

the minute I heard that music!

Is this the Clampett residence?

Oh, yes, sir.

I'd like to see the doctor

that's taking care
of Mr. Drysdale.

Oh, yes, sir, come right in!

Hey, Granny,
word's getting around.

Here's another one!

Howdy! How do you do?

Well, I see you've got
your things with you.

You figuring on
staying for a while?

As long as necessary.

Praise be!

Here's one that understands

that great doctoring
takes a little time!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, what do you
reckon the problem is?

Well, I won't know until
I've had a consultation

and my own
examination is completed.

We're gonna get along just fine.

Thank you.

Thank you. Now,

may I be taken to the sick room?

Oh, did you hear that, Jethro?

Ain't he a joy?

He sure is, Granny.

You make doctoring
a real pleasure!

Thank you. Thank you!

Now, take him up to
the sick room, Jethro.

I got work to do in the kitchen.

I'll be up to see you directly.

Oh, now, you don't have
to climb those stairs again.

I'll come out to the
kitchen and see you there.

Lord love you,

you're so nice you
about got me to bawling.

(sniffling)

But don't you worry.

If great doctoring can do it,

we'll come through
as good as new!

Thank you!

Thank you!

What a lovely little woman!

She sure is.

Hey, this way to the sick room.

Hey, what you got
in that there little bag?

Everything I'll need, I'm sure.

Well, that's good,

'cause we's running
low on nightshirts.

Puccoon root.

Snake wort.

Turpentine.

Poke berries.

Spoon.

Sulfur.

Stump water.

Ain't got none, Granny.

Corn squeezin's.

Granny,

you know that last
patient that was so nice?

Yeah.

Well, he weren't so
nice when I asked him

to take off his clothes. Why,

what happened? Well, he
commenced to bucking like a steer,

kept yelling for the doctor!

But I knowed you was busy

so I just put him to
bed and locked the door.

Thank you, Jethro.

Let's hurry, Elly,

I gotta pull 'em three back
from the brink of the grave!

Lizard eggs.

Ain't got none, Granny.

I forgot 'em.

Well, give me some gunpowder.

Sometimes that
works just as good.

Ow, Elly!

Careful.

Three ailing is enough.

Either one of you fellas
know any funny stories?

Well, the good doctor there

usually regales his patients

with a few of the latest.

How 'bout it, Doc?

All right.

Have you heard the
one about the busy doctor

who made a house
call, was seized,

forcibly undressed
and thrown into bed?

No. What happened?

Well, his patient
was a rich banker.

So this busy doctor
doubled his fee!

And if he has to stay
locked up here much longer,

he's gonna triple it!

I didn't ask you to come here.

But if you're going
to charge me,

then you're by George
you're going to examine me!

So, get your bag of tinker toys

and get at it!

Show a little more respect

for the dignity of the
medical profession,

shall we?

Hey, what's this
a rubber hammer?

Yes.

Well, I see where
it'd nice and quiet.

But I don't see how you'd
drive any nails with it.

I don't use it for nails.

Oh, good.

What's that thing?

This is a stethoscope.

With it, I can listen to the
patient's heart and lungs.

Like this.

Ooh, it's cold.

What'd you say?

I say it's cold!

(laughs)

Jethro, how's Mr. Drysdale?

Did the doctor
treat him? Oh, yeah.

But there's terrible
trouble, Miss Jane!

That last batch of
medicine blew up

and pretty near ruined
the whole kitchen!

The medicine blew
up? Well, yeah.

Granny said it was
mixi" the corn squeezin's

and the gunpowder that did it.

Jethro, would you please explain

what you are talking about?

I haven't got time
now, Miss Jane.

There's three sick men
laying upstairs in bed

and I got to get these
things sharpened

so Granny can go
to cutting on 'em!

Cutting!

Well, yeah.

Without we got no medicine,

this is the only
thing that'll save 'em!

Jethro, try to be calm, now.

Is Mr. Drysdale one of the men

that Granny's going to cut on?

Well, yeah.

Mr. Drysdale, Uncle Jed,

and the fella that came last,

by the name of Clyburn.

The doctor? Yeah.

You'll have to wait your turn.

I gotta get upstairs

and commence whacking
on them three men

that I got up there.

Bring my tools, Jethro. No!

Granny, I will
not let you do it!

Now, I-I've had enough
fighting with mewly patients

more than I can take today!

Now, Elly May, you
get her out of the way

and keep her out!

Sorry, Miss Jane.

Jethro, you come with me.

I don't think Jed
will put up a scrap,

but them other two might
have to be held down!

JANE: Granny, please, come back.

I beg of you!

I'll get to you later!

I've only got two hands!

Elly May,

we have got to prevent
Granny from operating!

She ain't gonna
operate, Miss Jane.

She's just gonna whack off

some of their hair
and fingernails.

Hair and fingernails?

Then she'll dig three
little holes in the ground,

bury it, say some magic words,

and that throws a
spell on their sickness.

Say “Ah”"

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Say, Doctor,

I bet you he could
talk a heap better

if you took that stick
out of his mouth.

Lock it, Jethro.

Get back in bed!

You heard her.

Get back in bed.

Clean this junk off of the bed.

I got doctoring to do.

Now, look here... You heard her.

Get that junk off of there.

Those are the finest medical
instruments that money

can buy! Thank you.

Razor sharp, too.

All right, Mr. Drysdale,
I'll commence on you.

No. Now, now, just
a minute. What...

what do you have in mind with
that knife and those scissors?

Well, I gotta cure you somehow.

And without medicine,
there's only one way left.

Oh, no!

Not me!

Grab him, Jethro!

Madam, I can get you any
medicine you require simply

by telephoning a
pharmacy. You can?

And, they will deliver
to your front door.

Oh, that's just dandy!

I'd much rather use medicine.

It's a lot easier than
cutting and snipping.

Exactly what I keep
telling my surgeon friends.

Now if you'll just lead
me to a telephone.

Right this way.

Ah, Childer's Pharmacy?

Petey?

Yeah, yeah, it's me.

Now, look, I'm
gonna put this lady on,

she'll tell you all the
medicine she needs.

I want you to give
her A-one service!

Attaboy. Right.

I'll go reassure Mr. Drysdale.

He seemed a little panicky.

Hello.

You got a pencil to
mark this down with?

All right.

Now, I want a quart of
good, raunchy stump water,

the kind that's been
aged in the wood stuff

that's been setting
there from 30 to 40 days

and it's nice and green.

Wait a minute, that ain't all.

I want a heaping
cupful of lizard eggs,

a double handful of dogbane,

and a couple of
dozen of dried beetles

and I want a mud dauber's nest,

and I mean a big one.

Don't send me over one
of them little two-holers.

Everything all right?

He wants to talk to you. Oh.

Yeah, Petey?

Now, look, I don't care

what she ordered,
you get it over here fast!

No, this is no a gag.

Now, look,

you pride yourself on
having the finest supply

of pharmaceutical... Hello.

Hello.

Hmm, he hung up.

Well, I'll call
another pharmacy.

Oh, that won't do no good.

You just can't buy
proper medicine

here in Beverly Hills.

Jethro!

Yeah, Granny?

I'm gonna have to go
to cutting and snipping

on those three sick ones.

Oh, not me!

I'm getting out of
here! Get him, Jethro.

Elly May!

Yes'm, Granny?

Dig me three deep
holes out in back!

Right away, Granny!

Help!

Help!

How do you feel, Jed?

Better than brand-new!

Granny, you done some
doctoring in your time,

but today beats all!

It took a heap out of me, Jed.

Especially clipping
and burying all that hair

and throwing my spell,

but I reckon it was worth it.

Yonder comes the living proof.

How do you feel, boys?

Fine, doctor.

Oh, just fine.

Come back and see
me anytime you need me.

Yes, we will.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Bye.

You did take considerable
hair off 'em, Granny.

Had to.

Their nails were so short.

Well, it's a small price
to pay for good health.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now its time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality. ♪

Hillbilly that is.

Set a spell.

Take your shoes off.

Y'all come back now, y'hear?

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