The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 36 - Jethro's Friend - full transcript
Jethro brings home a friend, Armstrong Dueser McHugh III, who is coddled by a chauffeur who treats him as frail. The Clampetts know better, and show him a good time, friendship and family.
♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪
♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Granny, you out here?
I'm over here, Jed.
Granny, is that you?
Shucks no, Jed.
I got prettier feet than that.
Prettier drumsticks, too.
Well, them is them fancy
towels that Mr. Drysdale gave us.
Yeah, he says
they're beach towels.
But we use them right here.
Granny, we got company
comin' and I reckon you'd like
to get some vittles going.
Who's coming?
Well, uh, one of them rich,
high society Beverly
Hills fellas name of, uh,
Armstrong Deuser McHugh III.
Third what?
Third Armstrong
Deuser McHugh, I reckon.
You mean to tell me that
them McHughs named all three
of their younguns the same name?
Reckon that's it.
Well, it's none of my business,
but dogged if I can see
where Armstrong Deuser
is such a good name.
Yeah, kind of confusing, too.
I reckon that's why
they call them first,
second and third.
How'd this feller get
acquainted with us?
Well, uh, he ain't yet.
Jethro invited him
over here to meet us,
but between you and me,
I think it's Elly May
he wants to meet.
Yeah, Jethro's always
braggin' about his pretty cousin.
I told her there's a feller
comin' over to meet her
and she promised to
put on her prettiest dress.
Well, when that Armstrong
Deuser gets a look at Elly,
he's gonna forget
what number he is.
Pa?
Over here, Elly.
Elly May Clampett,
there is a feller
comin' to see you.
Well, what's wrong, Pa?
I put on my prettiest dress.
Elly May.
Elly May, look at your feet.
Ain't got no shoes on.
Well I'll go put them on.
Come back, Elly May.
I just can't think
of no quicker way
to kill a romance than
to meet a feller totin'
a skunk in your arm.
Jed, Jed!
Here he comes!
Is this the Clampett residence?
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
He's older than I figured.
And wearing a uniform.
Jethro didn't say
he was in the Army.
It's all right, Jed;
it's Confederate gray.
Well, howdy there,
I'm Jed Clampett.
This here is Granny,
and I reckon you must be
Armstrong Deuser McHugh III.
Oh, no, sir.
- The second?
- Uh, no, ma'am.
That explains him being older.
He's the first.
Jethro, Armstrong's here.
Sir, you don't understand.
Excuse me.
Mr. Clampett,
I am Armstrong
Deuser McHugh III.
Well, howdy there, Armstrong.
I'm afeared you're
a mite young for Elly.
Sir, I'm here to
play with Jethro.
We're classmates
in the fifth grade.
Uh, Granny shake hands
with Armstrong
Deuser McHugh III.
Howdy, Third.
I am delighted to make
your acquaintance.
Mighty big spread of years
between the first and the third.
Appears to me the second
would be just about right for Elly.
Hey, little Deusy!
Big Jethro!
Oh please sir, please!
Mr. Armstrong is very delicate.
Jethro won't hurt
me, he's my friend.
But you might get a
nosebleed at that altitude.
Master Armstrong is under
the care of several specialists.
He's very sickly.
Wilkins, please.
Last week, we had
nurses around the clock.
He even got a sick clock.
Uh, Master Armstrong, please,
you're not to get excited.
Would you like a tranquilizer?
No. Come on, everybody,
let's go in the house.
I got some vittles cookin'.
One moment, please.
I must go into the house
before Master Armstrong.
I'm sorry about Wilkins,
but he has his orders.
What in the Sam
Hill are you doin'?
This is an allergy spray.
We ain't got no allergies.
Mr. Armstrong has several.
Then spray him.
Madame, you don't understand.
This spray settles
the dust in the room.
Dust in my house?
Why, if you weren't wearin'
the uniform that I dearly love,
I'd ram this down your throat
and reach in and
push the button.
Now, Granny, calm down.
Well, I just mopped
and cleaned in here,
just this morning.
Madame, the air is filled
with minute particles,
invisible to the naked eye.
I don't see them.
Hope you brought your swimsuit,
little Deusy, we got a
dandy big cement pond here.
Oh, I'm afraid I don't
know how to swim.
Oh, Jethro'll learn ya.
- Sure.
- No, no!
Master Armstrong's
not allowed in the water.
No wonder he's got
all them allergies.
A good hot bath with lye soap,
that's what he needs.
Lye soap?
Master Armstrong, I don't
think I should leave you here.
Please, Wilkins.
Well, I'll take your temperature
and blood pressure before I go.
No, Wilkins, I feel fine.
Oh, very well.
With whom shall I leave
the young master's schedule
on rest, diet, medication and
telephone numbers of doctors.
Well, if it's anything
to do with doctors,
Granny here is the best.
Very well, here you are.
Now then, antihistamine pills,
tranquilizers,
acid pills,
anti-acid pills,
vitamins,
iron,
liver,
yeast extract,
antibiotics.
Open up, Master Armstrong,
it's time for your throat spray.
Just a precautionary measure
to see that he fights
off the respiratory virus.
If that rascal
comes around here,
I'll fight him.
Over to school,
all the big fellas
is always pickin'
on little Deusy.
But not when Jethro's around.
Oh, I almost forgot, the
oxygen tent is in the car.
Where shall I set it up?
Tent?
Uh, yes sir.
Master Armstrong usually
spends an hour a day in it.
Ah, you like campin', do you?
I'll say he does,
he's happy as a itchy pig
rubbing against a rail fence.
Speaking of pigs, I've
got some hog jowls stewin',
and a possum pie in the
oven for this little feller's lunch.
Come on.
Hog jowls?
Possum pie?
Do you intend to
feed those things
to Master Armstrong?
Why, don't he eat
that good at home?
Oh, he has an extremely
delicate digestive system.
At present he's on a diet
of special Swiss yogurt.
We hunted all over
Beverly Hills to find it.
Jethro, get out your rifle
and hunt down one
of them Swiss yogurts.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
Oh, and I'll take
little Deusy along
to make sure I
shoot the right kind.
Sure. I reckon Granny'll know
how to cook it when she sees it.
Does it run or fly?
Neither.
Yogurt is inanimate.
It just, uh, lies there.
Ain't gonna be much
sport to shoot, Jethro.
That's a fact.
Hi, has anybody
seen little Charlie?
A dog!
Go away.
Master Armstrong's
allergic to all animals.
Elly!
Charlie got in
the kitchen again!
Aah! Skunk!
Oh, city feller, I wouldn't
do that if I was you.
He might just return the favor.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You've all finished.
Go right ahead
and chuck it in there,
young feller.
Looks like you could
use a little fattenin' up.
That's a fact.
I've throwed away chicken bones
with more meat on
them than he's got.
You want some
more, little Deusy?
Oh, no thank you.
It was most delicious.
I'd like to tell Chef
how to make that.
Who's Chef?
Oh, he's the feller
that does the cooking
over at Deusy's house.
A man in the kitchen?
Yeah, Granny.
You ought to see him.
Cooks in a great big white hat.
Well, the first thing
to tell him to do
is to get rid of that hat
and do his cookin' in a pot.
Well, how come your ma don't
do the cooking, little Deusy?
Who?
Your Ma.
Oh, Mother.
I don't believe she knows
where the kitchen is.
On her rare visits home,
I've never seen her there.
She visits home?
My mother and father spend
most of their time traveling.
Oh, drummers, huh?
What do they sell?
Oh, they don't work.
They just travel.
How come?
I really don't know.
I imagine they enjoy it.
Well, don't you miss
your ma and pa?
Oh, they write to me
regularly, every month or two.
I have a marvelous
collection of foreign stamps.
And they always telephone
me on my birthday.
That's right friendly of them.
Who looks after
you, little Deusy?
Oh, mostly the governess.
Governess?
She's married to Wilkins.
Did you hear that, Granny?
That fella that brung him
over here is the governor.
That still don't
give him no right
to tell me I got
dust in my house.
Say, you folks have so much fun.
I never even laugh at home.
Well, little feller,
anytime you feel like
bustin' out laughing,
you come right on over.
Excuse me.
Come on, little Deusy.
You promised to help
me with my homework.
He's the smartest kid in school.
Oh, I'd rather be able to
swim and climb trees like you.
Well, you help me with history,
and I'll teach you to
swim and tree-climb.
And I'll learn you rassling,
so as the big kids
won't be pickin' on you.
Oh, I'd like that.
And perhaps I could
assist you in some subject.
How about English?
Thank you, little Deusy,
but I done been
learned to talk that.
Kind of got a hankering
for history, though.
What you studying in that?
At present, we're
on the Civil War.
You mean the war betwixt the
Yankees and the Americans?
Well, you boys
can run along now.
You're excused.
Just a minute, sonny.
Who'd they learn
you won that war?
Granny, these boys
got studying to do.
I want an answer to my question.
We is paying school taxes.
And I want to know that they're
learnin' our younguns the truth.
Now, who did they say won?
The North or the South?
♪ Oh, I wish I was in Dixie,
down South, the South... ♪
Hush up, Jed,
I can't hear the boy's answer.
Why, madam, every true student
of history knows that
the glorious armies
of that brilliant
and beloved leader,
General Robert E. Lee,
were never really defeated.
Hallelujah, stay for supper!
Come along, Jethro.
Hey, little Deusy,
didn't our history teacher
over the school say that...
♪ Oh, I wish I was in Dixie,
down South, down South... ♪
Smart little feller.
But I got to learn him
the right words to Dixie.
I spoke to young
Master Armstrong,
and he told me to tell you that
he ain't ready to go home yet.
He's having too much fun.
He's not permitted to have fun.
It's bad for his blood pressure.
Well, I'll tell him
when he comes down
out of the top of that tree.
He's in a tree?
Say, that little rascal
can climb like a squirrel.
Soon as his hands
get toughened up,
he'll be as good as Elly May.
I insist upon taking
him home immediately.
I told you,
he don't want to go home yet.
That makes no
difference... He's going!
Hold on a minute.
I don't want to
tangle with no soldier
in the Confederate gray.
This is not a
Confederate uniform.
Now remove your hand
and lead me to Master Armstrong.
And if'n I don't?
I'll have to take him by force.
Is that a fact?
Like Grant took Richmond.
What did you say?
I shall take him like
Grant took Richmond.
That's what I thought you said.
I'll be back.
Well, you better
bring Grant with ya.
And his whole army!
But operator, I must talk
to Mr. and Mrs. McHugh.
Have you tried Rome?
Paris?
How about Zurich?
Well, try Zermatt.
Maybe they're
climbing the Matterhorn.
Well, well, try anyway.
Maybe their hotel has
a long extension cord.
Operator,
this is urgent.
I thought I told
you to skedaddle.
Call me back.
My area code is 417, zone 328,
and this is mobile 089-303-52.
Never mind.
I'll call you.
Granny, you didn't take a
gun to the governor, did you?
He ain't no governor.
He ain't even a Confederate.
And what's more, he
ain't got all his troops.
You mean he's tetched?
He was a-sittin'
in his automobile,
pretending to be
talking on a telephone.
I wonder how come so
many of them kind seem
to wind up out
here in Californy.
Sorry to interrupt,
Chief, but Wilkins here has
an urgent problem concerning
young Armstrong
Deuser McHugh III.
Well, what is it? Well,
to fill you in, Chief,
Armstrong Deuser
McHugh III's father,
Armstrong Deuser McHugh II,
has appointed the
bank executor of his will,
administrator of his estate,
and guardian of Armstrong
Deuser McHugh III
in case something should happen
to Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong
Deuser McHugh II.
And that is why Wilkins here,
and very wisely, has
come to you in this crisis.
What is the crisis?
I forgot.
Oh, yes.
Uh, young Master Armstrong
is being held a prisoner.
Call the FBI.
Do you know who has him?
A hillbilly family
called the Clampetts.
J. Edgar Hoover, please.
Never mind, hang up.
Wilkins, the Clampetts
are my next-door neighbors,
my largest depositors
and my personal friends.
And the very salts of the earth.
Sorry, Chief.
But Mr. Drysdale,
young Master Armstrong is
extremely frail and delicate,
and the Clampetts refuse
to give him the proper food
or rest or medication.
They're exposing
him to great danger.
Get the Clampetts on the phone.
They won't harm the boy.
But I'm afraid
they already have.
They've got him
climbing trees and,
why, and eating possum pie.
Delicious.
But, they're violent people!
Granny threatened
me with a shotgun.
What did you say
about the South?
The south what?
Hello, Granny,
Jane Hathaway here.
Could you call young
Armstrong Deuser McHugh III
to the telephone?
I don't hardly think so.
He went out to the
cement pond to swim.
Thank you, Granny.
Good-bye.
Nothing to worry about.
Master Armstrong
has been swimming.
But he doesn't know how to swim.
But, Jethro, I don't
know how to swim.
Oh, don't let that
worry you, little Deusy.
We can learn anybody.
Why, Elly May
even learned her cat.
Come on, Rusty.
Look there.
Come on, Rusty.
Did you have a good swim?
See, little Deusy?
There's nothing to it.
Now, you just watch
me and do as I do.
Come on, little Deusy.
I'm afraid, Jethro!
You got nothin' to be afraid of.
Why, Elly May is right here.
And Rusty, too.
I'll do it,
if big Jethro commands me to.
Big Jethro says
dive in and swim!
Look, Jethro, I'm swimming!
You sure are, little Deusy!
You just done swum right
out of your swimmin' suit!
Nice and soft here,
so nobody won't get hurt none.
Can you really teach
me to defend myself
against those big
bullies at school?
You bet ya!
Now come at me like
you're fixing to hurt me.
I really ought to learn you on
someone bigger than myself.
Mr. Pool Man!
Yes, Miss Clampett?
Would you help us out
for a minute, please?
Why, certainly.
What can I do for you?
Well, I'm trying to learn
this here young fella
how to protect himself.
Now you come at me
like you're fixing to hurt me.
Well, I don't think I'd better.
I was in the Marines, you know,
and they taught us some
pretty rough tactics... Aaah!
By any chance, were
you in the Third Battalion?
Try that, little Deuser.
It works!
I'll tell you what you can do.
You whittle yourself a
whole bunch of these,
different sizes, tie them
together side by each,
and play a real tune.
Bu“ don't have a knife, sir.
Well, I'll tell you what.
If you promise to
handle it real careful,
like I showed you,
safety first,
don't cut yourself,
you can have this one.
Gee, thank you, Uncle Jed.
You know, by rights,
I ain't your Uncle Jed,
just Jethro's.
Oh, yes, I'm sorry Mr. Clampett.
Seeing as how you're such
a good friend of Jethro's,
you can call me Uncle Jed.
Now remember, Third,
you got to keep
your eye on the cork.
When the cork starts
bobbing around in the water,
then you know that a fish
is nosing around the bait.
Then, when the cork all of a
sudden ducks under the water,
then you know old Mr. Fish
has grabbed the bait,
and you pull him out.
Can I hold the
line, Mrs. Granny?
Sure, you might as
well get the feel of it.
I caught something!
Aww, you couldn't have,
there's nothing in there.
It felt like a whale, help me!
I figured I'd let
little Deusy see
what it was like to
catch a big old catfish.
You hold it kind
of loose this way,
bring your arm back,
and just as you let it fly,
you give it a little spin.
Now watch.
Perfect ringer, Uncle Jed!
Yeah.
Now, uh, you try.
Now you see how handy it
is to be able to climb a tree?
Now, be of good cheer, Wilkins.
I am confident that we
shall find everything here
in possum pie...
apple pie order.
Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.
Well, Miss Jane,
Mr. Wilkins, come on in.
♪ Gonna bake a tater
pie, to give to little Deus ♪
♪ And it'll taste so good ♪
♪ His toes will curl
up in his shoes ♪
♪ To make a tater pie, it
takes a lot of possum fat ♪
♪ I don't think that feller
Chef can make it in his hat. ♪
Evening, Granny.
Hello, Granny.
Thought I told you to
secede from these parts.
Now, Granny.
Madame, I demand to see
Master Armstrong immediately.
Shh! Don't wake him up.
He's taking his nap.
There, you see?
He's getting his rest.
Needs it, too.
Poor little feller's
all tuckered out.
Which bedroom is he in?
He's nappin' right
out there in the sun.
The sun?!
His skin is far too sensitive to
be exposed to ultra-violet rays!
He's allergic to animals.
Wilkins, I'm not going home!
I feel fine!
You're coming home and
have an antiseptic bath
and then spend an
hour in your oxygen tank.
Wilkins, I'm not going.
Then I'll take you by force.
You will?
Like Grant took Richmond.
Master Armstrong!
I'll call you when I need you.
Uh...
Go away.
Scat. Scat.
Scat!
Scat!
I wouldn't do that if I was...
I tried to tell him.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪
♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Granny, you out here?
I'm over here, Jed.
Granny, is that you?
Shucks no, Jed.
I got prettier feet than that.
Prettier drumsticks, too.
Well, them is them fancy
towels that Mr. Drysdale gave us.
Yeah, he says
they're beach towels.
But we use them right here.
Granny, we got company
comin' and I reckon you'd like
to get some vittles going.
Who's coming?
Well, uh, one of them rich,
high society Beverly
Hills fellas name of, uh,
Armstrong Deuser McHugh III.
Third what?
Third Armstrong
Deuser McHugh, I reckon.
You mean to tell me that
them McHughs named all three
of their younguns the same name?
Reckon that's it.
Well, it's none of my business,
but dogged if I can see
where Armstrong Deuser
is such a good name.
Yeah, kind of confusing, too.
I reckon that's why
they call them first,
second and third.
How'd this feller get
acquainted with us?
Well, uh, he ain't yet.
Jethro invited him
over here to meet us,
but between you and me,
I think it's Elly May
he wants to meet.
Yeah, Jethro's always
braggin' about his pretty cousin.
I told her there's a feller
comin' over to meet her
and she promised to
put on her prettiest dress.
Well, when that Armstrong
Deuser gets a look at Elly,
he's gonna forget
what number he is.
Pa?
Over here, Elly.
Elly May Clampett,
there is a feller
comin' to see you.
Well, what's wrong, Pa?
I put on my prettiest dress.
Elly May.
Elly May, look at your feet.
Ain't got no shoes on.
Well I'll go put them on.
Come back, Elly May.
I just can't think
of no quicker way
to kill a romance than
to meet a feller totin'
a skunk in your arm.
Jed, Jed!
Here he comes!
Is this the Clampett residence?
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
He's older than I figured.
And wearing a uniform.
Jethro didn't say
he was in the Army.
It's all right, Jed;
it's Confederate gray.
Well, howdy there,
I'm Jed Clampett.
This here is Granny,
and I reckon you must be
Armstrong Deuser McHugh III.
Oh, no, sir.
- The second?
- Uh, no, ma'am.
That explains him being older.
He's the first.
Jethro, Armstrong's here.
Sir, you don't understand.
Excuse me.
Mr. Clampett,
I am Armstrong
Deuser McHugh III.
Well, howdy there, Armstrong.
I'm afeared you're
a mite young for Elly.
Sir, I'm here to
play with Jethro.
We're classmates
in the fifth grade.
Uh, Granny shake hands
with Armstrong
Deuser McHugh III.
Howdy, Third.
I am delighted to make
your acquaintance.
Mighty big spread of years
between the first and the third.
Appears to me the second
would be just about right for Elly.
Hey, little Deusy!
Big Jethro!
Oh please sir, please!
Mr. Armstrong is very delicate.
Jethro won't hurt
me, he's my friend.
But you might get a
nosebleed at that altitude.
Master Armstrong is under
the care of several specialists.
He's very sickly.
Wilkins, please.
Last week, we had
nurses around the clock.
He even got a sick clock.
Uh, Master Armstrong, please,
you're not to get excited.
Would you like a tranquilizer?
No. Come on, everybody,
let's go in the house.
I got some vittles cookin'.
One moment, please.
I must go into the house
before Master Armstrong.
I'm sorry about Wilkins,
but he has his orders.
What in the Sam
Hill are you doin'?
This is an allergy spray.
We ain't got no allergies.
Mr. Armstrong has several.
Then spray him.
Madame, you don't understand.
This spray settles
the dust in the room.
Dust in my house?
Why, if you weren't wearin'
the uniform that I dearly love,
I'd ram this down your throat
and reach in and
push the button.
Now, Granny, calm down.
Well, I just mopped
and cleaned in here,
just this morning.
Madame, the air is filled
with minute particles,
invisible to the naked eye.
I don't see them.
Hope you brought your swimsuit,
little Deusy, we got a
dandy big cement pond here.
Oh, I'm afraid I don't
know how to swim.
Oh, Jethro'll learn ya.
- Sure.
- No, no!
Master Armstrong's
not allowed in the water.
No wonder he's got
all them allergies.
A good hot bath with lye soap,
that's what he needs.
Lye soap?
Master Armstrong, I don't
think I should leave you here.
Please, Wilkins.
Well, I'll take your temperature
and blood pressure before I go.
No, Wilkins, I feel fine.
Oh, very well.
With whom shall I leave
the young master's schedule
on rest, diet, medication and
telephone numbers of doctors.
Well, if it's anything
to do with doctors,
Granny here is the best.
Very well, here you are.
Now then, antihistamine pills,
tranquilizers,
acid pills,
anti-acid pills,
vitamins,
iron,
liver,
yeast extract,
antibiotics.
Open up, Master Armstrong,
it's time for your throat spray.
Just a precautionary measure
to see that he fights
off the respiratory virus.
If that rascal
comes around here,
I'll fight him.
Over to school,
all the big fellas
is always pickin'
on little Deusy.
But not when Jethro's around.
Oh, I almost forgot, the
oxygen tent is in the car.
Where shall I set it up?
Tent?
Uh, yes sir.
Master Armstrong usually
spends an hour a day in it.
Ah, you like campin', do you?
I'll say he does,
he's happy as a itchy pig
rubbing against a rail fence.
Speaking of pigs, I've
got some hog jowls stewin',
and a possum pie in the
oven for this little feller's lunch.
Come on.
Hog jowls?
Possum pie?
Do you intend to
feed those things
to Master Armstrong?
Why, don't he eat
that good at home?
Oh, he has an extremely
delicate digestive system.
At present he's on a diet
of special Swiss yogurt.
We hunted all over
Beverly Hills to find it.
Jethro, get out your rifle
and hunt down one
of them Swiss yogurts.
Okay, Uncle Jed.
Oh, and I'll take
little Deusy along
to make sure I
shoot the right kind.
Sure. I reckon Granny'll know
how to cook it when she sees it.
Does it run or fly?
Neither.
Yogurt is inanimate.
It just, uh, lies there.
Ain't gonna be much
sport to shoot, Jethro.
That's a fact.
Hi, has anybody
seen little Charlie?
A dog!
Go away.
Master Armstrong's
allergic to all animals.
Elly!
Charlie got in
the kitchen again!
Aah! Skunk!
Oh, city feller, I wouldn't
do that if I was you.
He might just return the favor.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You've all finished.
Go right ahead
and chuck it in there,
young feller.
Looks like you could
use a little fattenin' up.
That's a fact.
I've throwed away chicken bones
with more meat on
them than he's got.
You want some
more, little Deusy?
Oh, no thank you.
It was most delicious.
I'd like to tell Chef
how to make that.
Who's Chef?
Oh, he's the feller
that does the cooking
over at Deusy's house.
A man in the kitchen?
Yeah, Granny.
You ought to see him.
Cooks in a great big white hat.
Well, the first thing
to tell him to do
is to get rid of that hat
and do his cookin' in a pot.
Well, how come your ma don't
do the cooking, little Deusy?
Who?
Your Ma.
Oh, Mother.
I don't believe she knows
where the kitchen is.
On her rare visits home,
I've never seen her there.
She visits home?
My mother and father spend
most of their time traveling.
Oh, drummers, huh?
What do they sell?
Oh, they don't work.
They just travel.
How come?
I really don't know.
I imagine they enjoy it.
Well, don't you miss
your ma and pa?
Oh, they write to me
regularly, every month or two.
I have a marvelous
collection of foreign stamps.
And they always telephone
me on my birthday.
That's right friendly of them.
Who looks after
you, little Deusy?
Oh, mostly the governess.
Governess?
She's married to Wilkins.
Did you hear that, Granny?
That fella that brung him
over here is the governor.
That still don't
give him no right
to tell me I got
dust in my house.
Say, you folks have so much fun.
I never even laugh at home.
Well, little feller,
anytime you feel like
bustin' out laughing,
you come right on over.
Excuse me.
Come on, little Deusy.
You promised to help
me with my homework.
He's the smartest kid in school.
Oh, I'd rather be able to
swim and climb trees like you.
Well, you help me with history,
and I'll teach you to
swim and tree-climb.
And I'll learn you rassling,
so as the big kids
won't be pickin' on you.
Oh, I'd like that.
And perhaps I could
assist you in some subject.
How about English?
Thank you, little Deusy,
but I done been
learned to talk that.
Kind of got a hankering
for history, though.
What you studying in that?
At present, we're
on the Civil War.
You mean the war betwixt the
Yankees and the Americans?
Well, you boys
can run along now.
You're excused.
Just a minute, sonny.
Who'd they learn
you won that war?
Granny, these boys
got studying to do.
I want an answer to my question.
We is paying school taxes.
And I want to know that they're
learnin' our younguns the truth.
Now, who did they say won?
The North or the South?
♪ Oh, I wish I was in Dixie,
down South, the South... ♪
Hush up, Jed,
I can't hear the boy's answer.
Why, madam, every true student
of history knows that
the glorious armies
of that brilliant
and beloved leader,
General Robert E. Lee,
were never really defeated.
Hallelujah, stay for supper!
Come along, Jethro.
Hey, little Deusy,
didn't our history teacher
over the school say that...
♪ Oh, I wish I was in Dixie,
down South, down South... ♪
Smart little feller.
But I got to learn him
the right words to Dixie.
I spoke to young
Master Armstrong,
and he told me to tell you that
he ain't ready to go home yet.
He's having too much fun.
He's not permitted to have fun.
It's bad for his blood pressure.
Well, I'll tell him
when he comes down
out of the top of that tree.
He's in a tree?
Say, that little rascal
can climb like a squirrel.
Soon as his hands
get toughened up,
he'll be as good as Elly May.
I insist upon taking
him home immediately.
I told you,
he don't want to go home yet.
That makes no
difference... He's going!
Hold on a minute.
I don't want to
tangle with no soldier
in the Confederate gray.
This is not a
Confederate uniform.
Now remove your hand
and lead me to Master Armstrong.
And if'n I don't?
I'll have to take him by force.
Is that a fact?
Like Grant took Richmond.
What did you say?
I shall take him like
Grant took Richmond.
That's what I thought you said.
I'll be back.
Well, you better
bring Grant with ya.
And his whole army!
But operator, I must talk
to Mr. and Mrs. McHugh.
Have you tried Rome?
Paris?
How about Zurich?
Well, try Zermatt.
Maybe they're
climbing the Matterhorn.
Well, well, try anyway.
Maybe their hotel has
a long extension cord.
Operator,
this is urgent.
I thought I told
you to skedaddle.
Call me back.
My area code is 417, zone 328,
and this is mobile 089-303-52.
Never mind.
I'll call you.
Granny, you didn't take a
gun to the governor, did you?
He ain't no governor.
He ain't even a Confederate.
And what's more, he
ain't got all his troops.
You mean he's tetched?
He was a-sittin'
in his automobile,
pretending to be
talking on a telephone.
I wonder how come so
many of them kind seem
to wind up out
here in Californy.
Sorry to interrupt,
Chief, but Wilkins here has
an urgent problem concerning
young Armstrong
Deuser McHugh III.
Well, what is it? Well,
to fill you in, Chief,
Armstrong Deuser
McHugh III's father,
Armstrong Deuser McHugh II,
has appointed the
bank executor of his will,
administrator of his estate,
and guardian of Armstrong
Deuser McHugh III
in case something should happen
to Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong
Deuser McHugh II.
And that is why Wilkins here,
and very wisely, has
come to you in this crisis.
What is the crisis?
I forgot.
Oh, yes.
Uh, young Master Armstrong
is being held a prisoner.
Call the FBI.
Do you know who has him?
A hillbilly family
called the Clampetts.
J. Edgar Hoover, please.
Never mind, hang up.
Wilkins, the Clampetts
are my next-door neighbors,
my largest depositors
and my personal friends.
And the very salts of the earth.
Sorry, Chief.
But Mr. Drysdale,
young Master Armstrong is
extremely frail and delicate,
and the Clampetts refuse
to give him the proper food
or rest or medication.
They're exposing
him to great danger.
Get the Clampetts on the phone.
They won't harm the boy.
But I'm afraid
they already have.
They've got him
climbing trees and,
why, and eating possum pie.
Delicious.
But, they're violent people!
Granny threatened
me with a shotgun.
What did you say
about the South?
The south what?
Hello, Granny,
Jane Hathaway here.
Could you call young
Armstrong Deuser McHugh III
to the telephone?
I don't hardly think so.
He went out to the
cement pond to swim.
Thank you, Granny.
Good-bye.
Nothing to worry about.
Master Armstrong
has been swimming.
But he doesn't know how to swim.
But, Jethro, I don't
know how to swim.
Oh, don't let that
worry you, little Deusy.
We can learn anybody.
Why, Elly May
even learned her cat.
Come on, Rusty.
Look there.
Come on, Rusty.
Did you have a good swim?
See, little Deusy?
There's nothing to it.
Now, you just watch
me and do as I do.
Come on, little Deusy.
I'm afraid, Jethro!
You got nothin' to be afraid of.
Why, Elly May is right here.
And Rusty, too.
I'll do it,
if big Jethro commands me to.
Big Jethro says
dive in and swim!
Look, Jethro, I'm swimming!
You sure are, little Deusy!
You just done swum right
out of your swimmin' suit!
Nice and soft here,
so nobody won't get hurt none.
Can you really teach
me to defend myself
against those big
bullies at school?
You bet ya!
Now come at me like
you're fixing to hurt me.
I really ought to learn you on
someone bigger than myself.
Mr. Pool Man!
Yes, Miss Clampett?
Would you help us out
for a minute, please?
Why, certainly.
What can I do for you?
Well, I'm trying to learn
this here young fella
how to protect himself.
Now you come at me
like you're fixing to hurt me.
Well, I don't think I'd better.
I was in the Marines, you know,
and they taught us some
pretty rough tactics... Aaah!
By any chance, were
you in the Third Battalion?
Try that, little Deuser.
It works!
I'll tell you what you can do.
You whittle yourself a
whole bunch of these,
different sizes, tie them
together side by each,
and play a real tune.
Bu“ don't have a knife, sir.
Well, I'll tell you what.
If you promise to
handle it real careful,
like I showed you,
safety first,
don't cut yourself,
you can have this one.
Gee, thank you, Uncle Jed.
You know, by rights,
I ain't your Uncle Jed,
just Jethro's.
Oh, yes, I'm sorry Mr. Clampett.
Seeing as how you're such
a good friend of Jethro's,
you can call me Uncle Jed.
Now remember, Third,
you got to keep
your eye on the cork.
When the cork starts
bobbing around in the water,
then you know that a fish
is nosing around the bait.
Then, when the cork all of a
sudden ducks under the water,
then you know old Mr. Fish
has grabbed the bait,
and you pull him out.
Can I hold the
line, Mrs. Granny?
Sure, you might as
well get the feel of it.
I caught something!
Aww, you couldn't have,
there's nothing in there.
It felt like a whale, help me!
I figured I'd let
little Deusy see
what it was like to
catch a big old catfish.
You hold it kind
of loose this way,
bring your arm back,
and just as you let it fly,
you give it a little spin.
Now watch.
Perfect ringer, Uncle Jed!
Yeah.
Now, uh, you try.
Now you see how handy it
is to be able to climb a tree?
Now, be of good cheer, Wilkins.
I am confident that we
shall find everything here
in possum pie...
apple pie order.
Howdy, Mr. Drysdale.
Well, Miss Jane,
Mr. Wilkins, come on in.
♪ Gonna bake a tater
pie, to give to little Deus ♪
♪ And it'll taste so good ♪
♪ His toes will curl
up in his shoes ♪
♪ To make a tater pie, it
takes a lot of possum fat ♪
♪ I don't think that feller
Chef can make it in his hat. ♪
Evening, Granny.
Hello, Granny.
Thought I told you to
secede from these parts.
Now, Granny.
Madame, I demand to see
Master Armstrong immediately.
Shh! Don't wake him up.
He's taking his nap.
There, you see?
He's getting his rest.
Needs it, too.
Poor little feller's
all tuckered out.
Which bedroom is he in?
He's nappin' right
out there in the sun.
The sun?!
His skin is far too sensitive to
be exposed to ultra-violet rays!
He's allergic to animals.
Wilkins, I'm not going home!
I feel fine!
You're coming home and
have an antiseptic bath
and then spend an
hour in your oxygen tank.
Wilkins, I'm not going.
Then I'll take you by force.
You will?
Like Grant took Richmond.
Master Armstrong!
I'll call you when I need you.
Uh...
Go away.
Scat. Scat.
Scat!
Scat!
I wouldn't do that if I was...
I tried to tell him.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.