The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 35 - Elly Becomes a Secretary - full transcript

When Miss Hathaway gets sick and Mr. Drysdale has to speak at a conference, Jed decides helps out by running the bank and having Elly be his secretary, while Jethro finds a speech that Drysdale accidentally uses instead of his own. All the while a new teller sucks-up to the men and flirts with the women.

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪

♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

Granny, Jethro said you wanted
my banty rooster for something.

I sure do, Elly.

I just heard that Jane
Hathaway is sick a-bed,

and I want to
cook her up a nice,

big pot of chicken broth.

Well, that's n...

Granny, you ain't
fixin' to cook Earl!

No, of course not, Elly.

But I figured you could turn
him loose in the neighborhood,

and he just might bring
home a plump little hen.

Good-looking little
fella, here, Earl.

Well, Granny,

I don't reckon Earl
would want you to cook

none of his
sweethearts, neither.

Well, maybe you're right.

Just turn him loose outside.

And if a chicken hawk shows up,

Jethro can bag him.

They make awful good broth

if you simmer them long enough.

Granny, Jethro tells
me Miss Jane is ailin'

and you're fixin'
to doctor for her.

That's right Jed. Trouble is,

I don't know for sure
just what she's got.

What's she told you, Jethro?

Uh, she's got something called,

uh, sick benefits.

Sick benefits?

Yes, sir.

Well, I called her
apartment this morning,

to find out could she
come to supper tonight.

And she says, "I'm
sick in bed, Jethro."

And I says, "Well,
Granny'll come on over

and doctor you." And she says,

"Well you tell Granny there's
already a doctor on the way,

'cause I got sick benefits."

I bet you it's something
like a sick headache

or maybe a sick stomach.

I reckon it's worse than that,
Elly, 'cause this is catchin'.

Is that a fact?

Yes, sir.

Miss Jane says
purt near everybody

that works down at the
bank has got sick benefits.

That's because they
don't wear asafidity bags.

Appears to me
like Mr. Drysdale's

got hisself a heap of
trouble down to the bank.

Is Mr. Drysdale
sick too, Jethro?

No, I asked Miss Jane that.

And she says the executive,

that's the higher-ups
like the vice presidents,

they don't have sick benefits.

Probably because they eat
better and they get more rest.

And they wear asafidity
bags around their necks.

Well, I reckon we
all ought to pitch in

and help Mr. Drysdale.

Must be mighty short-handed
down to the bank.

I could help count the money.

Arithmetic is my
best study in school.

I'm up to 12 times 12 now.

How much is 12 times 12, Jethro?

Wait a minute.

Okay, now hold up two fingers.

12 times one is 12.

12 times two is 24.

12 times three is 36.

Never mind, Jethro,
we's all right proud of you,

but now we all better
hurry down to the bank,

see how we can
help Mr. Drysdale.

Come on, everybody!

I'll go in first,

the rest of you wait here.

How come?

We don't know how
catchin' that sickness is.

Miss Hathaway, how
can you do this to me?

Now, now, you know the
bankers convention is in town

and I'm making
the keynote speech.

Well, well, you haven't
finished writing it for me.

Now listen,

couldn't you come in
today and be sick tomorrow?

103 fever?

Well, I'll turn on
the air conditioning.

Ah, don't pay any attention
to Dr. Murphy, I know him.

He's trying to make a big thing

out of this so he
can collect a big fee...

Oh, fine, Doctor!

Yes, how are you?

I knew you were
there... That's why I made

that joke about... huh?

Oh sure, certainly.

Yes.

Keep her in bed.

Good-bye, Doctor.

Come in.

Howdy there, Mr. Drysdale.

Mr. Clampett, hello.

What can I do for you?

I reckon right now it's
what can I do for you?

We heard about all the sickness.

Oh, don't let that concern you.

Anything you need?

No, nothing except a
secretary, is new doctor,

a speech-writer and
someone to take over my work.

For a fella with
all them troubles,

you're sure keeping
your spirits up.

Well, I-I try to keep
laughing so I don't cry.

Oh, uh, will you
answer the door?

Oh, howdy, young feller.

You want to see Mr. Drysdale?

Uh, yeah.

Come in, come in.

No, no, no!

Not today.

Now leave me alone.

See you later, Mr. Drysdale.

Yes, and thank you so much.

Just being neighborly.

Who was that?

Never mind him, who are you?

Oh, we met the other day
when I started to work here,

Mr. Drysdale.

I'm the new teller trainee.

- My name is...
- What do you want?

Well, sir, I noticed that you
were without a secretary,

and, well, I thought I
might be able to help.

You take shorthand?

Oh, I don't mean me, sir.

However, there is someone
from the secretarial pool

that I'd like to recommend.

Oh? Who?

Well, the chick... the doll...

uh, lady at the first desk.

I believe her name
is Kitty Northcross.

The one that wears
the tight sweaters?

Yeah!

Oh, does she?

I only observed her efficiency.

Yeah, I get it.

Yes, sir. Thank you, Skipper.

Who?

Well, sir, I just
got out of the Navy,

and I like to consider
this bank my new ship,

and you, my new captain.

And I'm proud to be aboard, sir,

because I know that
your genius will pilot

this ship of finance through
the reefs of adversity,

and the stormy
seas of competition,

until we drop anchor
in the harbor of success.

Bilge water.

Aye aye, sir.

Thank you, sir.

And now, to continue my speech.

Gentlemen,

it is my observation
that a bank is like a ship.

It's president, the captain.

It is his responsibility

to pilot that ship through
the reefs of adversity,

and the stormy
seas of competition

until he drops anchor
in the harbor of success.

At this point,

take a sip of water
and wait for applause.

Oh, good, Elly,
you're all ready.

We best be gettin' down
the bank quick as we can.

Pa, do you reckon I know
enough to be a banker's secretary?

Shucks, yes, Elly,

especially since I'm
gonna be the banker.

Oh, did Mr. Drysdale take sick?

Well, he had to
speak at a convention.

He says all he
needs is a secretary,

a speech writer, a new doctor,
and somebody to do his work.

Granny's a dandy doctor,

but who can write speeches?

Well, Jethro found one
in a book already wrote.

He's in there
helping Granny now,

mix the medicine for Miss Jane.

Now, my secret yarb.

Don't stand too close to
it while it's workin', Jethro.

That'll cure Miss
Jane, huh, Granny?

It'll cure anything.

I gave it to a sick
horse one morning.

That afternoon, he won a race.

You doctored a race horse?

No, a plow horse.

He'd never raced before.

Granny, Jethro?

Pa says let's get a-goin'.

Coming, Elly.

You got your speech
for Mr. Drysdale?

Yes, ma'am. One of the
greatest speeches ever wrote.

"Four score and seven years ago,

“ our fathers brought forth to
this continent is new nation,

"conceived in liberty,

and dedicated to the proposition
that all men are created equal!"

By dingies,

that's a dandy speech!

I'm proud of you.

I didn't write it.

That was written
by Abraham Lincoln,

the president that
whupped the South.

The South was not whupped!

Granny, General Lee
surrendered to General Grant.

He did not!

General Lee figured that
Grant was a blacksmith.

And he hadn't him sword
so he could sharpen it.

And don't you ever forget it!

And so, gentlemen,
in conclusion,

let us think of our banks
as a great fleet of ships,

rescuing the army
of American citizens

from the Dunkirk
of financial difficulty.

Let us take them aboard,

and safely sail them back

to the shores of prosperity.

Gentlemen, bon voyage.

Beautiful, Skipper.

Just beautiful.

Listen, the door was open

and your voice drew
me in here like a magnet.

Could I go to the
convention with you

and hear the entire speech?

No, you cannot.

But sir, you're my idol.

You're pretty idle yourself.

Now get back to your
cage and do some work.

What a voice.

Sir, you were born to command.

In the Navy, you'd
have been an admiral.

Well, I was in the Army.

Corporal in the
quartermaster corps.

Great outfit, sir!

Backbone of the armed forces.

Get back to work.

That voice.

You and General MacArthur,

legends in your own time.

Out.

Pleasure, sir.

Where did personnel
dig up that nut?

General Drysdale.

Milburn Drysdale.

Oh, hello, Margaret.

What?

You want me to pick you
up at the beauty shop, when?

But dear...

You know I'm making
the keynote address

at the bankers' convention.

All right, darling,
I'll cut it short.

Will you stay out
of here, you nut!

Oh, I'm sorry, I, I thought
it was someone else.

I'm terribly upset today.

That's why we is
all pitching in to help.

Elly here is gonna
take Miss Jane's place

while Granny gets her well.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

It's no more than any
neighbor would do.

Well, I-I do appreciate
your kindness.

I'm running late, so please make

yourself comfortable.
See you later.

Oh, Mr. Drysdale,
here's your speech.

Oh, I did forget it, didn't I?

- Thank you, Jethro.
- You're welcome.

Well, good-bye all,
and thanks again.

- Bye.
- Bye.

He's gone, Pa.

Reckon you in charge, now.

Are you going to take
his place, Uncle Jed?

Sure gonna try.

Set down to your
desk and go to bankin'.

I want to see how you do it.

Me, too.

Are you banking yet, Pa?

Well, I reckon not, Elly.

I'm just, uh, waitin' to bank.

How do you do it, Uncle Jed?

Well, according to Mr. Drysdale,

banking is mostly giving
people money when they need it.

I'll get it, Pa.

That's what a secretary's
supposed to do.

Howdy, this here is
Mr. Drysdale's office.

But Mr. Clampett's
in charge now.

Yes, sir, you bet you can.

Howdy there.

You need money?

Well, come right
on over and get it.

Hot diggety!

He's bankin' now, Elly May!

Come in, Miss Northcross.

Gee, Mr. Billington!

Just call me Bob, doll.

Is this gonna be my
new office, Bob Doll?

It could be, honey.

I've been speaking
to Milburn about you.

Milburn?

The president,
baby, the president.

Oh, Mr. Drysdale!

Attagirl, oink.

Oink?

Just a term of affection, doll,

that means I'm a hog about you.

Well, that's cute.

I think.

Swell, now listen,
about tonight.

This apartment where you
live, uh, can you cook there?

I don't know, I've never tried.

You got a stove?

I think so.

Well, how about a can opener?

Oh, I know we've
got one of those.

I used it the other night to
open a bottle of wave set

when we did our hair.

We?

Mother and me.

Your mother lives with you?

No, I live with her.

Oh.

Swell.

"Rescuing the army
of American citizens

from the Dunkirk of
financial difficulty."

"Let us take them aboard."

That's enough, Jethro.

No wonder Mr. Drysdale needed

hisself a speech writer.

That's pitiful.

I didn't understand it.

Me neither, and I'm a banker.

Well, I reckon I'd best get
out to Miss Hathaway's desk.

I ain't sure I know what to do.

Well, just watch the others,
Elly, and do like them.

That's the way we learn.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Now listen, honey.

Is your mother gonna
be home tonight?

Uh-huh, we're going
to set our hair again.

Well, hello there!

Hello, there!

She's sitting at my desk!

Get lost, honey, huh?

But Bob Doll!

- Mr. Billington.
- Well, Mr. Billington, you...

Wait in the vault!

Well, what about tonight?

Can I tell Mom you're coming by?

Not tonight, honey.

I don't need my hair set.

Hey.

Hey.

This is gonna be wild!

Tell me something,

you don't live with
your mother, do you?

No, sir, do you?

No, sir! What's your name?

Elly May Clampett.

Well, there it is, Elly,
and you may clamp it.

You don't by any chance
wrestle at night, do you?

Oh, I like to wrestle any time.

Well, scoobee doo.

Well, scoobee doo!

You want to wrestle now?

Uh, later, baby, later.

Uh, listen, suppose I drop
over to your place tonight.

Well, fine.

You haven't got a
roommate, have you?

No sir, I got a
room all to myself.

Now listen, here's the action.

I swing by your pad about 7:00,

I bring some bossa nova records,

and we trample a
few grapes, huh?

Then we blast off to
the local coffee shop,

one where they don't hit
me for too much bread.

Then we swing back
to your pad for a little

moon orbit.

Do you dig?

Oh, yes, sir!

Crazy.

Whenever Pa goes fishin'.

What?

I dig his worms.

You wouldn't put
me on, would you?

Why sure?

Jethro!

I ain't tall enough
to put you on myself,

but Jethro can do it.

What is this? Who's Jethro?

Yeah, Elly May?

Uh, this little fella wants
to be put on something.

Okay.

Where do you want
me to put you, little fella?

Oh, I'd like to be put
on your list of friends.

Mr. Drysdale's office,

but he ain't here.

I got it, Elly May.

Howdy there, this is
Jed Clampett speaking.

Can I do some banking for you?

Oh, howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.

You want to get picked
up over to the beauty shop?

Well, I can send Jethro
right over in the truck.

No, your husband ain't here.

He's over to the
bankers' convention

making a speech Jethro give him.

And now, gentlemen,

it's with a great
deal of pleasure

than introduce our
keynote speaker.

The distinguished president

of the Commerce
Bank of Beverly Hills,

Mr. Milburn Drysdale.

Fellow bankers.

"Four score and seven years ago,

our fathers brought forth upon
this continent a new nation."

Well, now.

Some-some of you
seem to be amused,

because I have chosen
the humble words

of Abraham Lincoln to
keynote this convention.

But those of you who understand
banking at its highest level

will understand the significance

of these words as I say,

"Conceived in liberty,

"and dedicated
to the proposition

that all men are created equal."

Pa, this here is Mr. Wilson,

the man that called you
about borrowing money.

Well, howdy there, Mr. Wilson.

I'm pleasured to meet you.

Sit down a spell.

Oh, thank you, thank you sir.

Hey, uh, have a smoke?

Uh, yes, thank you.

Elly May, maybe
Mr. Wilson'd like

a nice cold pitcher
of spring water,

or some coffee or
tea or something.

Would you, Mr. Wilson?

No, no, thanks, young lady.

You look all tuckered out.

Yes, I am.

I've been going
from bank to bank

trying to borrow some money.

Ah, didn't they have none?

Well, none that they
wanted to loan me.

You see, Mr. Clampett,

my chicken ranch is
mortgaged to the hilt.

I have no credit, no collateral.

I need money to buy feed.

Well, we got a vault full of it.

How much money you need?

See, if I just had enough...

Are you kidding me?

Elly May, take him out to the
vault and show him the money.

Oh, no, no.

Would you really
lend me the money?

Well, that's what
banks is for, ain't it?

Well, well, yes, but...

I-'m poor... I have no security.

No shame being poor,
long as you're honest.

How do you know I'm honest?

Well, if you wasn't,
you'd be telling me

about how much you got

instead of how
much you ain't got.

Mr. Clampett,

I-I've never met a
banker like you before.

Oh, shucks, Mr. Drysdale can
out-bank me any day of the week.

He must be a wonderful man.

You bet he is.

The best banker around here.

Now, how much money
would you like to have?

Well, sir, I, uh...

I really need $5,000,

but I can squeeze
by on three or four.

Elly May,

go fetch this man $5,000.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Bring him a cup of that cider

that Granny sent down
to ward off sick benefits.

Dog it if he don't look like
he's coming down with it.

Okay, Pa.

Now, for my secret yarb.

What is your secret
yarb, Granny?

Oh, I dasn't tell you, Jethro.

Why, if that was to ever fall
into the hands of the enemy,

the North could win the war.

I told you, Granny,

they done won it!

No such thing.

We's just layin' back
lettin' them think they did.

One of these days
when they ain't looking...

We's gonna jump them!

You gotta believe me!

The South done got whupped.

You go cut me a hickory switch
and meet me in the woodshed,

and I'll show you
who got whupped.

That's another
thing I keep tellin' ya.

We ain't got no hickory tree,

and no woodshed.

That's right.

I guess I'm getting
old and feeble.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, open your
mouth, close your eyes.

Granny's gonna give
you a little surprise.

Oh, good!

Swallow that.

That'll keep you well

and learn you not to
talk Yankee nonsense.

Hey, doll, I hear some
square put the bite

on your old man
for a gang of bread.

What?

Well, he laid 5,000 on him.

Oh, you mean Mr. Wilson.

That's the cat. How'd he get it?

Well, he told Pa he
needed it for his chickens.

You're kidding!

What would chickens
do with all that money?

It was for Mr. Wilson
to buy feed.

He's got a chicken ranch.

And your dad gave him
5,000 for chicken feed?

Why, sure, Pa's got 35 million.

35 million?

And he likes folks
that raises critters.

Do you think he's got time
to see a young critter raiser?

Why sure, go on in.

I'll dig you later.

Uh, Mr. Clampett, sir,
my name's Bob Billington,

and your lovely daughter told
me that you could spare me

a few moments of
your valuable time.

You bet I will, young fella.

What's on your mind?

Well, sir, I work
here at the bank,

but my heart's
back on the ranch.

The chicken ranch, that is.

Or was, till I lost
all of my chickens.

Sweet little critters.

How'd you lose them?

Well, sir, I'm not sure.

Must woke up one
morning and they were gone.

I guess one of them left
the gate open or something.

What kind of chickens were they?

Just regular kind,

you know with the
wings, and the feathers,

and those crazy-looking feet.

Mr. Clampett, if I could
just borrow $10,000.

Then I could get back
into the business that I love:

raising chickens.

I see.

Uh, how many chickens
you want to start with?

Oh, about $10,000 worth.

How many roosters?

Oh, no roosters, just chickens.

These days, you
got to specialize.

Elly May.

Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale,
how was your speech?

Sensational. The high
point of the convention.

Oh, listen, did a
man named Wilson

come in here to
borrow some money?

Yes, sir, and Pa
gave him $5,0000.

Oh, bless him,
that's what did it.

Did what?

Got me named
"Banker of the Year".

They're putting a plaque
in the lobby calling this

"The Bank with a Heart".

How come?

Well, six banks were secretly
nominated for the honor.

Wilson went to each bank,

and this is the only one
that gave him money.

Well, that poor man needed it.

Ha, Wilson?

He's the biggest poultry
rancher in the world.

And a stockholder
in all six banks.

Oh, is your wonderful
father still in there?

Yes, sir.

How about it, Mr. Clampett?

I'm going to give you
just what you need.

Great! Lay it on me.

A little advice.

Get back to your job
and forget about chickens.

You were born to command, sir.

The voice of authority,
the greatest I've ever heard.

What about me?

You are the only one
who cuts him, Skipper.

What?

What a privilege it
is for a young fellow

like me to see two
great leaders together.

It's a summit
meeting, recreated.

Out!

Out of my office,
out of my bank!

You're fired!

You're an irresponsible loafer.

May I give you as
a reference, sir?

Out!

Pleasure having served
under your command, sir.

Granny, this here
is Mr. Billington,

and he wants to court me.

That true, young feller?

It ever-lovin' is, Granny.

And you got sick benefits?

I'm loaded with them.

Open your mouth
and close your eyes,

and Granny'“ give
you a “me surprise.

Swallow this.

Hey, you know something?

When I was in the Navy,

I tasted some jungle
juice on Okinawa!

Good-lookin' young feller.

Good dancer, too!

I reckon that's the new dance
he's been wanting to teach me.

It's called the Bossy Nova.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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