The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 34 - The Psychiatrist Gets Clampetted - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪

♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

Oh'.!

Jethro, my goodness!

I'm sorry you got all
tangled up in the rope.

Well, I am rather helpless.

If a man were to
try and kiss me now,

I couldn't resist.

You couldn't?

No, I-I'd be at his mercy.

Don't worry about that.

Ain't no man gonna
kiss you while I'm here.

Jethro, you are like a
magnificent skyscraper,

with an uncompleted penthouse.

Thank you!

Oh, that reminds me,

Dr. Twombly is most
anxious to see you again.

Well, I'm anxious
to see him, too.

He never did give
me my certificate

of health for school.

Well, Dr. Twombly is not
an internist or diagnostician.

He works in the
field of psychiatry.

Well, as soon as
he gets done working

in that field and gets
back to his office,

I sure would like to see him.

He's at his office now,

but what I want to explain is...

Hey, I'd better hustle
down there right now.

Miss Potts says without I
have a doctor's certificate,

I can't graduate
into the sixth grade.

Jethro?

Oh, good morning, Granny.

Mornin', Miss Hathaway.

Where's Jethro?

I told him to string me
a clothesline in here.

I'm gonna have to take a
hickory switch to that boy again.

He's gone, Granny.

But you don't
need a clothesline.

I sure do.

Can't hang 'em outside.

It's gonna rain today.

But, Granny, you have an
automatic clothes dryer that...

Rain today?

That's right.

Oh, I just read the weather
forecast in the morning paper

and it says fair.

Yeah, it's gonna
be a pretty fair rain.

Granny, the government
weather bureau says no rain today.

Is that a fact?

Granny?

Oh, howdy there, Miss Hathaway.

Howdy.

Granny, your soap's
hardenin' up real good.

I'd best go out and
start cuttin' it into cakes.

It's gonna rain today.

Mr. Clampett,

perhaps you can ease
Granny's mind about this rain.

Oh, that don't vex Granny
none; she likes rain.

Besides, it don't
rain enough out here.

It's not going to rain today.

Who says it ain't?

The US. Weather Bureau.

Who's he?

If I had to narrow
it down to one he,

I guess I would have to
say chief meteorologist.

Yeah, them Indians is pretty
good at reading rain signs,

but I'll go along with Granny.

Mr. Clampett, the United
States Weather Bureau

does not depend upon rain signs.

It is a vast complex of
highly skilled meteorologists

working with the latest
scientific equipment.

They send balloons
tens of thousands of feet

into the air to
measure wind velocity,

barometric pressure,

moisture content,
and temperature.

Their radar networks scans
the weather all over the continent.

Their weather satellites
are out in space,

circling the globe.

Now, now, what does Granny have

to compare with this in
making a weather forecast?

Twinges.

Twinges?

Them little stabbin'
pains in her bones.

I know what twinges are,

but they can hardly
be considered

dependable weather prophets.

I reckon they as
good as balloons.

Besides, Granny's got other ways

of tellin' when
rain's on the way.

She studies ants and spiders

and listens to the way the
owl hoots and other things.

I'm afraid supersitions
and omens cannot compete

with knowledge and experience.

Well, I'm glad
you're coming around

to our way of thinking.

Where's Jethro?

Granny's gonna want him to
tote that soap in before it rains.

He's gone to
Dr. Twombly's office.

Good, he's gonna need that
health certificate at school.

I've got to have it before I
can graduate the fifth grade.

You're in the fifth grade?

Yes, sir.

Fixin' to scoot right on
up into the sixth grade

quick as you can give
me my certificate of health.

Jethro, a simple physical
examination's no problem.

I want to explore
your mental capacity.

Your cerebral region.

Should I take off my shirt?

No, that won't be necessary.

Just make yourself comfortable
on the couch over there.

Well, what did you
do to your thumb?

Oh, uh,

I have a patient who
thinks he's a dog.

I hope this examination
won't take too long.

I got to get to
school before it rains.

Oh, you don't have to
worry about that, Jethro.

It isn't going to rain.

Oh, yes it is.

Granny says so.

When Granny says something
is gonna happen, it happens.

Sounds like she has
remarkable powers.

Strongest little woman
you ever did see.

I meant clairvoyant powers.

Would you say she's a medium?

No, sir, I'd say she's a small.

But she's strong as a medium.

And if she ever took a
switch to you, you'd know it.

Has she ever taken
a switch to you?

Oh, she sure has. Whew.

And you stood for it?

Last time, I stood
for pert near two days.

Sounds like your
grandmother is rather savage.

Sometimes she's as ornery
as a mudwasp in a dry gourd.

Violent temper, hmm?

I'll say.

You're afraid of her?

- Oh, yes, sir.
- She's vicious?

- Oh, that's a fact.
- Mean?

- Darn tootin'!
- Cruel?

Oh, yes, sir.

You hate her.

Granny?

Why she's the sweetest
little woman that ever lived.

But you said she whips you.

She sure does.

How often?

Just as often as I need it.

Jethro, you're quite
a remarkable boy.

Oh, is the examination over?

No, no, no. Just lie down.

Now, you say you don't
hate your grandmother.

But how do you feel
about your uncle Jed?

Is he a strict disciplinarian?

Uncle Jed says that's
nobody's business.

What?

He says it don't matter
what church you go to,

just so long as you go.

My question wasn't
about religion.

Well, if you ever get one,
you just ask Uncle Jed,

'cause he can quote the
good book cover to cover.

That's wonderful.

So you like your uncle Jed?

Oh, yes, sir.

Back home, I used to brag
that Uncle Jed could out-shoot,

out-lift, out-hunt, out-fight,

and out-figure any
man in them there hills.

I see.

Back home, you were
proud of him, hmm?

Oh, yes, sir.

But now that you're
in Beverly Hills,

surrounded by
well-educated, well-d reseed,

sophisticated, important,
successful men,

you still brag about him?

No, sir, I don't.

Uh-huh.

Why not?

Uncle Jed says
it's sinful to shame

these puny little city fellers.

There you are, Jed.

Howdy, Miss Hathaway.

Hello, Mrs. Bodine.

I'm so glad you're here.

I just put the last stitch in
Elly May's brand-new dress

and I'd like for you to see it.

Oh, I'd love to.

Elly May, come on down.

By doggies, when it comes to
fancy sewing and dress-makin',

ain't nobody sits higher on
the stump than my cousin Pearl.

Well, that's the truth.

I know, but it embarrasses me.

Kind of busy, isn't it?

By doggies, I betcha
Beverly Hills ain't ever

seen a dress like that.

You have my word on it.

It ain't so much.

Ain't, she says.

Look at her, grinnin'
like a butcher's dog.

You mean you-you
did this all yourself?

Every puff, ruffle,
gusset, gore, and eyelet.

Let's go show it to
Granny and Jethro.

Oh, Mrs. Bodine, Jethro
is in Dr. Twombly's office.

Miss Hathaway, how well do
you know that there Dr. Twombly?

Well, I'm not a patient of his,

but he has a very
big reputation.

I think I know how he got it.

What do you mean?

I wasn't in his office
for two minutes,

and he tried to lure
me to his couch.

Well, he does that
with everybody.

He's a psychiatrist.

Yeah, he admitted that to me,

and I told him he ought to
try and get himself cured.

Psychiatry is what he practices.

Well, he ain't gonna
practice on Pearl.

Now then, Jethro, as
I've already explained,

sometimes we have
hostilities and aggressions

which are so deeply hidden
from our conscious mind,

that they reveal themselves
only in our dreams.

Now, please,

try again to recall for
me a few of your dreams.

Jethro.

Hmm? Hmm?

I want you to tell me
about your dreams.

You keep asking
me about my dreams,

but you won't let me sleep
long enough to have one.

Let's forget about the
dreams and go back

to your conscious
relationship with your family.

Now, we've established
that you love your mother,

adore your grandmother,

and worship your Uncle Jed.

How do you feel about
your cousin, Elly May?

Dr. Twombly, there is times

when I'd like to whup
the tar outta that girl.

Uh-huh.

And just when is that?

When she whups the tar outta me!

What do you mean?

Well, she's all the
time wrasslin' me down,

gettin' a toehold or
an armlock on me.

And that smarts!

You mean to tell
me that that beautiful

and fragile-looking girl
could engage you in combat

and emerge victorious?

No, sir.

But she can whup the
tar outta me wrasslin'!

And that makes you angry.

You bet!

You want revenge.

Yes, sir!

She disgraces you.

- Yes, sir.
- Shames you.

Yes, sir!

And you hate her.

Elly May?

Well, shucks, no.

I'd cut off my
right arm for her.

Jethro,

don't you hate anybody?

Well, I'm commencin' to
get a might putout with you

for not giving me my
certificate of health.

All right, Jethro.

You take this note to
Dr. Wilson across the hall,

and he'll give you your
certificate for school.

Thank you.

Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Well, Jethro, hello.

You goin' in to see Dr. Twombly?

Briefly, yes.

Do you hate your mother?

No.

Well, don't tell the doctor.

Seems to disappoint
him something awful.

Come in.

Hello, Gene.

Oh, Milburn.

Oh, biting nails again?

Uh, your wife was
scheduled for this hour.

Yes, I know.

She just called me
from the beauty parlor.

She's running
a little late there

and felt she needed
that more than this.

And, uh, I have to agree.

Your wife's doing fine.

She's greatly improved.

Oh, really?

You know, it's hard to believe
that once she was worse

than she is now.

Oh, I'm greatly
indebted to both of you

for putting me in contact

with that wonderful
Clampett family.

Fascinating, aren't they?

Remarkable.

Jethro is the most uncomplicated
teenager I've ever met.

The whole family's
uncomplicated.

Happy as hogs in a mud wailer.

You are close to them.

I'm proud of them.

You're just the
man to get me back

in their good graces.

Oh? What happened?

Jethro's mother misunderstood

my invitation to the couch.

I'm persona non grata up there.

You just come with me.

I can fix that.

Wonderful.

I'm especially anxious
to question Granny.

That little woman

is a walking encyclopedia
of mountain medicine,

superstition, and phenomena.

She absolutely fascinates me.

By dingies, Elly May,

you're prettier than a
red-wing blackbird sittin'

on a yellow pumpkin.

Thank you, Granny.

But it's Aunt Pearl's
dress that does it.

Is this all hand-worked
lace, Pearl?

Every stitch of lace,
braid, ribbon, and bow.

I put a lot into that dress.

Elly May's put
considerable into it herself.

Elly May, Miss Jane
here's got a right dandy idea.

She wants to take
you out shopping

for some other dresses.

What?

Now, don't get your
hackles up, Pearl.

I reckon she wants to
save this one for best.

Exactly.

A dress like this should...

should not be worn too often.

It would be a chore
to wash and iron it.

That's the truth.

Well, now, run along, girls,
but be back before 3:00.

Well, do we have to, Pa?

Well, you don't want

to get caught out in
the rain on that dress.

That's when you said it
was gonna come down,

wasn't it, Granny?

It's gonna start
to shower at 3:00.

Granny, it isn't...

Nevermind.

Come along, Elly May.

Granny, maybe I
ought to ride into town

with them and stop off
at Dr. Twombly's office.

See what's happened with Jethro.

Pearl.

Don't throw yourself
at that goomer doctor.

Oh, he ain't no goomer doctor.

Well, he ain't a regular doctor.

I asked him.

I says, "How do ya cure warts?"

And he commences giving me a
lot of talk about a electric needle.

Right quick, I says,

"How you gonna thread
it, with bailin' wire?"

He had no answer for that one.

Yes. Maybe he ain't just

the best doctor that
ever come along,

but I kinda like him.

Well, I still say don't
throw yourself at him, Pearl.

If you want to see him,

I'll conjure him over here.

How?

My love charm.

I got one all whomped up.

All it needs is a
little startin' powder,

and you to say the magic words.

Granny, I don't hold with
conjures and love charms.

Pearl.

With your boy in a
Beverly Hills school,

why do you want
to stay so ignorant?

They don't use this kind
of stuff in Beverly Hills.

Ah, that's why it's
so powerful out here.

They don't know how to fight it.

Open the pouch a might,

and I'll sift in a
little startin' powder,

and then you
hold it to your heart

and you say the magic words.

Granny, I don't
know how to do it.

I'll show ya.

Now you watch.

Darlin', darlin', my true love.

Come a-swoopin' like a dove.

Oh, Granny.

Granny!

There's somebody
here to see you.

Granny, I couldn't
wait to see you again.

Great clouds of gnats,

I conjured him for myself.

Get away from me.

It's Pearl you want, not me!

Toads and buzzards,
bats so mean,

switch the spell
to Pearl Bodine.

Get away from me!

Granny, what I wanted to say...

You stay away from me!

But Mr. Clampett, you
don't understand, I just...

Just calm down, Dr. Twombly.

Get over here
and sit on the sofa

whilst you get a
grip on yourself.

Well, I'll be getting
back to the bank, Gene.

I see you're in good hands.

No, Milburn, wait!

WAN-What's going on?

Explain it to me.

Me, explain the behavior of
these uncomplicated people

to Beverly Hills'
leading psychiatrist?

No, Milburn, wait.

Sorry, I want to pick up my wife

at the beauty shop
before the rain.

Rain? What rain?

The forecast says clear.

You'll learn.

So long, scientist.

Mr. Clampett, I am
perfectly all right.

All I want to do is see Granny.

I know that,

but you gotta control the
urge till she can break the spell.

What spell?

The one she thrower!
On you by accident.

I'd like to talk
to her about it.

Sure you would,

but just simmer
down a little first.

I told you that love charm

would work twice as powerful
on these Beverly Hills men.

I can't believe it.

I just can't believe it.

I tried to switch
it over to you,

but it had too
strong a hold on him.

I'll have to break the spell
now with my lettin' go powder

and then start all over for you.

Now, understand me,

I don't blame you
for the way you feel.

Ain't no finer women
growed in the whole world

than the hills back home.

Now, you take my cousin Pearl.

Powder, powder, white as
snow, make the spell of love let go!

The spell's broke, Jed.

You can let him go now.

Oh, Granny, wait.

What did you do to me?

Come back. I
want to talk to you,

Granny, please.

Granny, looks like
the spell ain't broken.

Never seen a man held
so tight in the grip of love.

You gotta remember,

this fella's a
psychiatrist to start with.

Now, stay right
where you are, Doctor.

I'll bring Granny in to see you

just like a promised,
and Pearl, too!

Jed, how do I look?

Fetching as a fat
hog on market day.

Let's go see how Granny's doin'.

Granny?

Granny!

By doggies, you'd
scare away vultures.

I sure do appreciate
this, Granny.

Me, too. Come on.

I'm glad to get
shed of the rascal.

Why, there must be 30,

40 years' difference
in our ages.

At least.

I'm not about to get mixed up

in one of them May and
December courtships.

I don't blame ya.

Come on.

Here they are.

Oh.

Bonjour, Monsieur doctor.

No'.

Wait, come back,
I want to see you!

I didn't... I never got to...

You didn't let...

Pearl, I never see
a spell to beat this'n.

I got him settled down.

I think I found his
weak spot, Pearl.

What's that?

He's mighty fond of music.

Come on in and yodel for him.

Jed, I just can't bust
out yodelin' for no reason.

Well, don't worry, I'll lead
you into it, real natural.

Well, I just hope it...

helps to get his
mind off Granny.

Me, too, Pearl.

I'm gettin' awful tired

of that young
feller a-chasin' me.

Why,

there must be 20 years
difference in our ages.

At least.

Come on, Pearl.

By dingies, Daisy,

it was your love charm
that got him started.

But maybe it's your own
charm that keeps him goin'.

Say, Dr. Twombly,

did I ever tell you about
my cousin Pearl here

bein' a extra fine cook
and housekeeper?

Yes, you did.

Did I tell you about
her dress-makin'?

Yes.

Sock darnin' and shirt mendin'?

Yes.

Well, uh, speakin'
of yodelin'...

Cut loose, Pearl.

You ever hear anything
like that, Doctor?

Never.

You got any requests?

Yes, I'd like to see Granny.

Granny!

Granny!

I'm back in school, Granny!

Ain't you spruced up.

Quiet down, boy.

There's company in the parlor.

Who?

Dr. Twombly.

So that's how come
you so fancy dressed up

and smellin' with
vanilla extract?

Of course not.

He's right taken
with you, Granny.

He's been asking me a
lot of questions about you.

Oh, don't be silly.

Why, there's at least five

or ten years
difference in our ages.

How many?

Go put the truck away.

It's gonna start to rain.

But, Granny, the
paper says that...

Scoot when I tell ya!

Did I hear Jeth...?

Oh, here you are, Granny.

Thank goodness.

At last, maybe we can be
alone together for a little while.

I've got so much
to talk to you about.

Before we begin,

I want to remind you that...

I ain't no spring chicken.

I couldn't care less.

I'm glad you're the age you are.

Well, you ain't exactly

just hatched out
of the egg yourself.

So much the better.

Gives us more in common.

Well, as long as you
got your eyes wide open,

let's go into the parlor.

No, no, wait.

I've got a better idea.

We'll only be
interrupted in there.

My car's out front.

We'll go for a drive.

We can talk much
better that way.

Is that your car out
front with no top on it?

Yes, I always take the
top off this time of the year.

But we can't go drivin'
'cause it's gonna start to rain.

No, it isn't.

No, I'd say it is.

I heard the news
on the way over.

The weather forecast
is for clear skies.

What time is it?

A little before 3:00.

It's gonna start to
shower any minute.

No, it isn't.

No, I'd say it is.

What makes you think so?

I've been reading the signs.

What signs?

The way the ants is bankin'

the dirt up in
front of their holes,

and the owl is hootin'

close to the house
during the day.

Fascinating.

Come on.

You can tell me all about
it while we drive around.

I told ya, I ain't goin'
driving in the rain.

But, Granny, it
isn't going to rain.

You are the muliest goomer
of a doctor I ever did see.

- Come on.
- Hang on, Granny.

Help is a-comin'!

See?

I knew this would
happen if we stayed here.

Leave him be, Jed.

We's old enough to
know what we's doin'.

Besides, he's gotta
get his car under cover

before the rain hits.

It isn't going to rain.

Now look, let me show you.

Look.

Did you ever see such a
clear, blue sky, such a...

What's that black thing?

That's a rain cloud.

By doggies, Granny,
you hit it right on the nose.

Oh, my car.

That poor fella's
gonna get soaked,

but I reckon a cold
shower won't hurt him none.

Might've even
broke the love spell

you throwed on him, Granny.

Oh, I don't care
about that no more.

Things wouldn't've worked out
between him and me, no way.

Well, what do you mean?

He's too old and
set in his ways.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.