The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 32 - The Clampetts in Court - full transcript
When a couple who ran into the Clampett's car discover that they're rich, they fake injuries and sue the Clampetts.
♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪
♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
♪♪
Wonder how much
money I ought to draw out.
Don't forget, I need
school supplies.
And I need vittles
for my critters.
And I need vittles
for you critters!
I reckon might as well draw out
enough money to
last us a month or two.
Reckon ten dollars will do it.
Jed, I never could sleep a wink
with all that
money in the house.
I told you not to drive
with that hangover.
Anybody hurt?
I don't think so.
Well, no harm done, huh, kid?
No, not to your car, but
you kinda bent our bumper!
I reckon I can
straighten it out, though.
Atta boy!
You goin' in the
bank, old timer?
Well, yes, sir, I
was plannin' to.
Well, come with me.
They know me here. Maybe
I can do you some good.
I, uh, hope you'll forgive
my stupid husband.
Had a bad day
yesterday with the nags
and he got stoned last night,
so now he's gotta borrow some
money to pay off his bookie.
What's a bookie?
A little rat called
Sam the Collector.
Oh, if Jim could only
stay away from the horses.
Your husband likes
horses, does he?
Loves 'em.
Especially losers.
Jed says a man who likes
animals can't be all bad.
Here comes Uncle Jed, Granny.
Well, let's be on our way.
Bye, ma'am, glad
there was no harm done.
Yes, so am I.
Bye!
What happened to
you, fall down in there?
Shut up and act hurt.
That old geezer's
worth $35 million.
What?
Faint!
We'll sue him for a bundle.
Case of Johnson versus Clampett.
Are the plaintiffs ready?
We are, Your Honor.
Are the defendants ready?
Uh, Mr. Clampett?
Yes, sir?
Please rise when
addressing the court.
Yes, sir, your courtship.
Say "Your Honor."
Oh, just call me Jed.
Mr. Clampett, let
me warn you that
any attempt at humor
will be dealt with severely.
You're being sued for $100,000.
Do you consider that funny?
No, sir.
Very well.
Are you represented by counsel?
Am I what, by who?
Do you have an attorney?
A lawyer?
Oh, no, sir.
I see.
You're appearing in pro per?
Do you any objections?
No, Your Honor.
If there are no objection,
I will permit your defense.
Thank you, sir.
Wait for the plaintiffs,
who will make his
opening statement.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Although my
clients, the Johnsons,
are really in no
condition to appear today,
I have persuaded
them to come to court
so that Your Honor can
see the carnage reeked
by this criminally careless
family of hoodlums.
Oh, excuse me, young fellow,
but our name ain't
hoodlum, it's Clampett.
That is, all except
Granny... She's a Moses,
and Jethro, he's a Bodine.
He's my cousin Pearl's boy.
Pearl's back home
right now with Jethrine,
his sister, trying
to get her married.
She's 18 and still single.
That is enough.
That's the way my
cousin Pearl feels.
A girl passes 18 and her
chances of getting a husband...
Mr. Clampett,
will you please be quiet.
Now, I'm going to
excuse this outburst
because apparently
you're unfamiliar
with court procedure.
However, one more infraction,
and I will hold you in contempt.
You be seated.
Proceed, counselor.
As I was saying, Your Honor,
I have prevailed upon
my clients to appear today,
although at the cost
of great personal
suffering themselves.
Bailiff, if you please.
Is them the people
that run into us?
It sure is!
What do you reckon
happened to them?
Something terrible
by the looks of 'em.
Let's go see can we comfort 'em.
Your Honor,
protect my clients
from these ruffians!
You got a terrible memory
for names... we's Clampetts!
Except for Granny and Jethro.
Mr. Clampett, I declare
you in contempt of this court.
And I'm going to give
you a fine of $100.
Well, thank you,
but I didn't do nothin'
to earn no hundred dollars.
The fine of $100 is suspended,
now please, take your seats.
Jed, where's the hundred
dollars he promised ya?
Didn't you hear him, Granny?
The judge spended it.
What right's he got,
spending your hundred dollars?
Order!
Order in this court.
The attorney for the
plaintiffs will proceed.
Your Honor, the maimed
and broken bodies
of my clients speak
more eloquently
than any words of mine
in condemning
the criminal actions
of this lawless family.
What he call us that time?
Lawless.
I know a family named Lawless.
Awful nice folks.
Raised pigs.
We will prove, Your Honor,
that on the day and date
set forth in the complaint,
said defendants did
willfully and maliciously crash
into the plaintiffs car.
Inflicting upon the bodies
of the plaintiffs numerous
and grievous injuries,
for which we ask the
court to award damages
in the amount of $100,000
to said plaintiffs.
He can't even
remember the Johnsons.
He keeps calling
them the plaintiffs.
And no two ways about it,
when it comes to
recollectin' names,
that young fellow's pitiful.
I want you to tell the court,
in your own words,
exactly what happened.
Well, Mrs. Johnson and I
had just driven up to the bank
where I hoped to
borrow some money
for my favorite charity...
The Horse Lovers of America.
And although we've
been married for 20 years,
Mrs. Johnson and I are still
very affectionate.
Proceed with your
testimony, Mr. Johnson.
Well,
being affectionate as we are,
we set in the car
for a few moments
to speak of our love.
I love you, Jim Johnson.
I love you, Mabel.
What other man
would borrow the money
to help those poor old horses
on their way to
the glue factory?
I do what my heart
tells me, darling.
Mabel!
What is it, angel?
There's an old truck careenin'
down the street out of control!
Oh, Jim!
He's heading straight for us!
Well, have no fear,
I'll protect you, darling!
And that's the has“
remember, Your Honor.
Those monsters crashing into us
in an alcoholic stupor!
Your Honor, please.
Court is recessed
for ten minutes.
Who you reckon smacked
into them people like that?
I don't know, but they
was driving something
called a stupor.
What do we drive, Jethro?
I ain't sure, but I
think it's called a Stutz.
Too bad we wasn't there,
we could've helped 'em.
Excuse me, mister.
How do you get
to the playground?
Playground?
Oh, yes, sir.
He just called recess.
For my poor Jim's sake,
I'm glad he was unconscious
so that he didn't have
to see the worst part.
Would you describe
what you mean
by the "worst part"?
Well, you see, the
impact threw my husband
out of the car.
There he lay on the street,
broken and bruised.
My precious darling.
Did those insensitive
beasts care?
No!
They actually
seemed happy about it.
Let's back up and hit 'em again!
Yeah, that one 'bout knocked him
five feet in the air.
Why don't you learn how
to stay out of peoples' way?!
You brutes, look what
you've done to my husband!
I'll bring him around.
If this don't bring him
around, he's dead.
My poor husband.
Those precious lips
had never before
touched alcohol.
Your Honor,
uh, please, sir?
Mr. Judge?
Yes, Mr. Clampett?
Do you wish to
question Mrs. Johnson?
Oh, no sir, that poor woman's
been through terrible enough.
I just want to say that
me and my family here
is right good at trackin'
and trailin' and huntin'.
And we'd be right pleasured
if you'd let us go out
and hunt down them rascals
that was so mean
to the Johnsons.
Mr. Clampett,
do you expect the court to
take those remarks seriously?
Well, I reckon I did brag
a little too strong on us,
but if we can't catch 'em,
we got a hound dog
name of Ol' Duke.
He can follow a
trail a month old.
That's a fact, he can!
Why, you just give Ol'
Duke the scent and he'll...
Quiet!
Is it possible that you people
don't realize that
you are the accused?
What do you mean?
You are the folks
who caused these
injuries to the Johnsons.
- Us?!
- Who says so?
They do!
That's a dag-blame lie!
We wasn't even there!
Bailiff, restrain these people.
What do you mean "restrain"?
You want to fight?
You put me down!
Order!
Order! Order!
If you ask me, this is a heck
of a place to spend recess.
Yeah.
That fellow said he'd
put us in here to cool off.
It's hotter in here
than it is in there.
Well, they's one good
thing, he's gonna give
each one of us a
hundred dollars.
A fine.
That's what I say.
Fine and dandy.
Jed, you look like you're
countin' hairs on a hog's back.
What you studyin' on?
I'm studyin' on this
whole situation, Granny.
Why would the Johnsons haul off
and say we done
something that we didn't?
Well maybe they's
fibbin' to get the money.
Maybe they's hatched.
I agree with Elly.
Way I got it figured,
that accident they had
knocked their memories loose.
Might could've.
The way they's bandaged up,
they must've took
some awful hard knocks.
Granny, supposin' you make
some poultices for the Johnsons.
Then that'll draw the
hurt out of their heads,
then they'll be able to
remember what smashed into 'em.
I'll do it, Jed.
And I'll whomp up a great,
big dose of retchweed tonic.
There ain't nothing
like retchweed
to get you thinkin' straight.
All right, folks.
Judge adjourned
court till after lunch.
And then he wants you all back
in that courtroom on
your very best behavior.
He said he'd suspend
your hundred dollar fines.
There he goes,
spendin' our money again.
We're gonna ask the court
for a judgment by default.
Those hillbillies
aren't coming back.
They've probably left town.
Hope we didn't
keep you folks waitin'.
We hurried the best we could.
Didn't even stop to eat.
It's a for piece
over at our place.
And Granny had
a lot of fixin' to do.
And you're gonna
feel a heap difference
when I get done with you!
How dare you
threaten my clients!
Bailiff!
Quiet down, little man,
ain't nobody threatenin' nobody.
They're back, Your Honor.
All rise.
You can uncover the grits,
but keep the lid on
the baked possum.
How about the chitlins?
They's just as good cold.
They sure is, Granny.
Smells good, don't it, Judge?
We'd be right pleasured
to have you join us.
Everybody, we got plenty.
Thank you.
That is very nice of you.
Oh, not at all.
You realize how long
you kept this court waiting?
Yeah, I'm sorry
about that, Judge,
but we done the best we could.
Granny was working
like a whirlwind.
Bakin' possum,
cookin' grits,
makin' tonic and
fixin' poultices.
I am not interested in what
Granny has been doing.
I wouldn't rile her
up if I was you,
Judge, not on a empty stomach.
Granny get right ornery
when she ain't eat all day.
I am also not interested in
her dietary idiosyncracies.
Bailiff, remove that
food from this courtroom.
Hold on!
We's hungry!
That's your own
fault, being late.
I wouldn't say too much
about bein' late if I was you.
This is the second time today
you've come in here
in your nightgown.
Uh, tell me, Jethro,
do you like to
drive that old truck?
Oh, yes, sir.
Do you like to drive fast?
Oh, yes, sir, but I'm always...
Just answer the
question, yes or no.
And tell the truth.
Now, do you like to drive fast?
Uh, yes, sir.
Were you driving fast the day
you crashed into
the Johnsons' car?
Oh, no, sir.
Were you driving slowly
when you crashed into their car?
- No, sir.
- That's all, thank you.
- But I'm always...
- Step down, please.
Next witness.
Granny, I understand
that you make
very good moonshine whiskey.
I call it my
rheumatism medicine.
I see.
But it is quite potent,
quite strong?
Well, you don't want to
stand too close to a fire
when you uncork it.
Yes, well, uh, now then, Granny.
Do you sometimes carry a jug
of this rheumatism
medicine around with you?
Take it on trips, say?
Only when I get my twinges.
Well, were you
having twinges the day
you and your family
crashed into the Johnsons?
No. And we didn't...
That's all. Thank you.
Now then, Elly May,
when the old truck here
crashed into the Johnsons' car,
would you show me just
where you were sitting?
Well, I was sittin' right there.
- But we didn't...
- That's all.
Thank you.
Mr. Clampett, how many
guns do you have in your home?
Well, there's Granny's shotgun,
Jethro's lever
action, my pistol,
my squirrel rifle...
You needn't go on, Mr. Clampett.
That's quite an
arsenal you have.
Thank you.
You're used to carrying
a gun, aren't you?
I been totin' a squirrel rifle
since I was knee
high to a jackrabbit.
And I understand
you're quite a good shot.
Back where I come from,
if you didn't shoot
good, you didn't eat.
I see, you shot only for food.
Yes, sir.
And you were very poor.
Yes, sir.
And then oil was
discovered on your land
and you became
very, very wealthy
and moved to Beverly Hills.
Yes, sir.
But isn't it a fact,
Mr. Clampett,
that in spite of
all your millions,
you are still frequently seen
carrying a gun?
Yes, sir, you see...
Just answer the
question yes or no.
Do you, to this day,
frequently carry a gun?
Yes, sir.
Were you carrying a gun
the day you and your family
crashed into the Johnsons?
No, sir, and we didn't...
That's all.
Thank you.
Step down.
No, sir.
What do you mean, "no, sir"?
That ain't all and I
ain't steppin' down,
not fill I've said a few things.
Your Honor, I object.
Now, Counselor,
I have been very lenient
with your conduct of this case,
just as I have been very
lenient with the conduct
of the defendants.
However, since Mr. Clampett
here is a defendant,
and will bear the
financial burden
if judgment is against him,
the court wishes to hear
anything that is relevant
and pertinent to this case.
Yes, Your Honor.
Now, Mr. Clampett,
let us hear what
you have to say.
Thank you.
Well, to begin with,
there ain't nobody
who told the real story
about what happened the day
the Johnsons backed into us.
I object, Your Honor!
There has not been
one shred of evidence
or testimony supporting
the allegations that my clients
back into the defendants.
That is very true, Counselor.
Perhaps now we might have it.
In the mean time, you be seated.
Yes, Your Honor.
Now, you may
proceed, Mr. Clampett,
realizing, of course,
that you're still under
oath to tell the truth.
Well, Your Honor,
I learned how to tell
the truth so long ago,
I reckon it's become a habit.
And what with making a
promise on the good book,
I'm gonna be extra careful.
Proceed.
Well, me and my family
drove down to the bank.
And then we drove on
home and that was the last
we seen of the Johnsons till
somebody come to the house
and told us to come down
here to the court room.
You may cross-examine.
Well, that's quite a story
you told, Mr. Clampett.
Very simple and very sweet.
Just the truth, like I promised.
You're innocent of all these
charges against you, aren't you?
You've nothing to hide?
That's right.
Then why, Mr. Clampett, did
you not answer the summons
and complaints served upon
you by the county marshal?
Summons and complaint?
That is right.
Complaint.
This is a complaint,
Mr. Clampett.
In fact, it's a copy of the
one delivered into your hands.
Is that a complaint?
It is.
Why didn't you answer it?
Would you mind readin'
that first line there?
"The people of the
state of California
send greetings
to J.D. Clampett."
That just didn't seem
like no complaint to us.
And as for answerin' it,
well, Jethro says
there's pert near
18 million people in California.
We just couldn't hardly see how
we could get around
to greetin' 'em all back.
Any further questions?
Not right now, Your Honor.
The court will
recess for 30 minutes,
after which we'll
hear final arguments.
Uh, Mrs. Johnson,
I'd like to have
a little conference with
you and your husband
before court resumes.
Do you know where he is?
Probably out calling
his bookie, uh, doctor.
Dr. Bookman.
Another thing,
you told me your
husband was a teetotaler.
After lunch today,
I thought I smelled
liquor on his breath.
That's his medicine for pain.
But, Mrs. Johnson,
are you sure you and
your husband are telling me
the complete truth
about this case?
What do you mean?
Are you siding
with that millionaire
against us poor,
crippled people?
Bodies all aching
and racked with pain?
No, no, it's just that
Mr. Clampett's story
was very convincing.
And there were no
witnesses to the accident.
You told me we didn't
need any witnesses.
You said because they
didn't answer the complaint,
we didn't have to
bring in any witnesses.
But you mean you, uh, could
have brought in witnesses?
All you want.
All rise.
Counselor for the plaintiffs
ready for his final summation?
Uh, yes, yes, Your Honor.
Uh, Your Honor,
sir, uh, Mr. Judge,
could I say something that
might save us all a lot of time?
You any objections?
No, no, Your Honor.
Proceed, Mr. Clampett.
Uh, well, sir, uh,
if it's all right with you,
I'd like to go ahead
and, uh, give that
hundred thousand dollars
to the Johnsons.
Do you admit the claims
made by the Johnsons?
Well, no, sir, I don't.
But, uh, he deserves the money,
and I can afford to give it
to him, more if he needs it.
Would you mind telling the
court why you think he deserves it?
Well, Your Honor, I got a
daughter here, Elly May,
and I reckon she
means more to me
than just about
anything in the world.
And during the recess,
when, uh, I seen
Mr. Johnson with his daughter,
and seein' how
much he loved her,
just like I do Elly May,
well, it kinda tore at my heart.
What daughter?
Shut up.
So there he was
in his wheelchair
in that little room
across the hall,
and in walked this beautiful
girl with long, red hair,
and I knowed right away
she was his daughter
'cause she walked up
to him and she says,
"How's it goin', Daddy?"
Judge, Your Honor,
with no nurse to help him,
that brave man got to his
feet and stood there straight
and tall so she wouldn't
see he was sufferin'.
And he hugged her and
he kissed her and right then
is where I found out she
was a heap like my daughter.
Fond of critters,
'cause he said,
"Marcia, darlin', when I
get this hundred thousand,
"I'm gonna take you to Mexico
and we're gonna
watch the ponies run."
So, you've taken
up with that redhead.
Mabel, Mabel, Mabel!
Mabel, Mabel, Mabel!
Your Honor, these developments
surprise me as they did you.
I ask to be relieved
from the case at once.
Request granted.
This court finds
for the defendants.
Bailiff, bring those plaintiffs
back into this
court immediately!
They're to be held for perjury!
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways presentation.
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪
♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
♪♪
Wonder how much
money I ought to draw out.
Don't forget, I need
school supplies.
And I need vittles
for my critters.
And I need vittles
for you critters!
I reckon might as well draw out
enough money to
last us a month or two.
Reckon ten dollars will do it.
Jed, I never could sleep a wink
with all that
money in the house.
I told you not to drive
with that hangover.
Anybody hurt?
I don't think so.
Well, no harm done, huh, kid?
No, not to your car, but
you kinda bent our bumper!
I reckon I can
straighten it out, though.
Atta boy!
You goin' in the
bank, old timer?
Well, yes, sir, I
was plannin' to.
Well, come with me.
They know me here. Maybe
I can do you some good.
I, uh, hope you'll forgive
my stupid husband.
Had a bad day
yesterday with the nags
and he got stoned last night,
so now he's gotta borrow some
money to pay off his bookie.
What's a bookie?
A little rat called
Sam the Collector.
Oh, if Jim could only
stay away from the horses.
Your husband likes
horses, does he?
Loves 'em.
Especially losers.
Jed says a man who likes
animals can't be all bad.
Here comes Uncle Jed, Granny.
Well, let's be on our way.
Bye, ma'am, glad
there was no harm done.
Yes, so am I.
Bye!
What happened to
you, fall down in there?
Shut up and act hurt.
That old geezer's
worth $35 million.
What?
Faint!
We'll sue him for a bundle.
Case of Johnson versus Clampett.
Are the plaintiffs ready?
We are, Your Honor.
Are the defendants ready?
Uh, Mr. Clampett?
Yes, sir?
Please rise when
addressing the court.
Yes, sir, your courtship.
Say "Your Honor."
Oh, just call me Jed.
Mr. Clampett, let
me warn you that
any attempt at humor
will be dealt with severely.
You're being sued for $100,000.
Do you consider that funny?
No, sir.
Very well.
Are you represented by counsel?
Am I what, by who?
Do you have an attorney?
A lawyer?
Oh, no, sir.
I see.
You're appearing in pro per?
Do you any objections?
No, Your Honor.
If there are no objection,
I will permit your defense.
Thank you, sir.
Wait for the plaintiffs,
who will make his
opening statement.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Although my
clients, the Johnsons,
are really in no
condition to appear today,
I have persuaded
them to come to court
so that Your Honor can
see the carnage reeked
by this criminally careless
family of hoodlums.
Oh, excuse me, young fellow,
but our name ain't
hoodlum, it's Clampett.
That is, all except
Granny... She's a Moses,
and Jethro, he's a Bodine.
He's my cousin Pearl's boy.
Pearl's back home
right now with Jethrine,
his sister, trying
to get her married.
She's 18 and still single.
That is enough.
That's the way my
cousin Pearl feels.
A girl passes 18 and her
chances of getting a husband...
Mr. Clampett,
will you please be quiet.
Now, I'm going to
excuse this outburst
because apparently
you're unfamiliar
with court procedure.
However, one more infraction,
and I will hold you in contempt.
You be seated.
Proceed, counselor.
As I was saying, Your Honor,
I have prevailed upon
my clients to appear today,
although at the cost
of great personal
suffering themselves.
Bailiff, if you please.
Is them the people
that run into us?
It sure is!
What do you reckon
happened to them?
Something terrible
by the looks of 'em.
Let's go see can we comfort 'em.
Your Honor,
protect my clients
from these ruffians!
You got a terrible memory
for names... we's Clampetts!
Except for Granny and Jethro.
Mr. Clampett, I declare
you in contempt of this court.
And I'm going to give
you a fine of $100.
Well, thank you,
but I didn't do nothin'
to earn no hundred dollars.
The fine of $100 is suspended,
now please, take your seats.
Jed, where's the hundred
dollars he promised ya?
Didn't you hear him, Granny?
The judge spended it.
What right's he got,
spending your hundred dollars?
Order!
Order in this court.
The attorney for the
plaintiffs will proceed.
Your Honor, the maimed
and broken bodies
of my clients speak
more eloquently
than any words of mine
in condemning
the criminal actions
of this lawless family.
What he call us that time?
Lawless.
I know a family named Lawless.
Awful nice folks.
Raised pigs.
We will prove, Your Honor,
that on the day and date
set forth in the complaint,
said defendants did
willfully and maliciously crash
into the plaintiffs car.
Inflicting upon the bodies
of the plaintiffs numerous
and grievous injuries,
for which we ask the
court to award damages
in the amount of $100,000
to said plaintiffs.
He can't even
remember the Johnsons.
He keeps calling
them the plaintiffs.
And no two ways about it,
when it comes to
recollectin' names,
that young fellow's pitiful.
I want you to tell the court,
in your own words,
exactly what happened.
Well, Mrs. Johnson and I
had just driven up to the bank
where I hoped to
borrow some money
for my favorite charity...
The Horse Lovers of America.
And although we've
been married for 20 years,
Mrs. Johnson and I are still
very affectionate.
Proceed with your
testimony, Mr. Johnson.
Well,
being affectionate as we are,
we set in the car
for a few moments
to speak of our love.
I love you, Jim Johnson.
I love you, Mabel.
What other man
would borrow the money
to help those poor old horses
on their way to
the glue factory?
I do what my heart
tells me, darling.
Mabel!
What is it, angel?
There's an old truck careenin'
down the street out of control!
Oh, Jim!
He's heading straight for us!
Well, have no fear,
I'll protect you, darling!
And that's the has“
remember, Your Honor.
Those monsters crashing into us
in an alcoholic stupor!
Your Honor, please.
Court is recessed
for ten minutes.
Who you reckon smacked
into them people like that?
I don't know, but they
was driving something
called a stupor.
What do we drive, Jethro?
I ain't sure, but I
think it's called a Stutz.
Too bad we wasn't there,
we could've helped 'em.
Excuse me, mister.
How do you get
to the playground?
Playground?
Oh, yes, sir.
He just called recess.
For my poor Jim's sake,
I'm glad he was unconscious
so that he didn't have
to see the worst part.
Would you describe
what you mean
by the "worst part"?
Well, you see, the
impact threw my husband
out of the car.
There he lay on the street,
broken and bruised.
My precious darling.
Did those insensitive
beasts care?
No!
They actually
seemed happy about it.
Let's back up and hit 'em again!
Yeah, that one 'bout knocked him
five feet in the air.
Why don't you learn how
to stay out of peoples' way?!
You brutes, look what
you've done to my husband!
I'll bring him around.
If this don't bring him
around, he's dead.
My poor husband.
Those precious lips
had never before
touched alcohol.
Your Honor,
uh, please, sir?
Mr. Judge?
Yes, Mr. Clampett?
Do you wish to
question Mrs. Johnson?
Oh, no sir, that poor woman's
been through terrible enough.
I just want to say that
me and my family here
is right good at trackin'
and trailin' and huntin'.
And we'd be right pleasured
if you'd let us go out
and hunt down them rascals
that was so mean
to the Johnsons.
Mr. Clampett,
do you expect the court to
take those remarks seriously?
Well, I reckon I did brag
a little too strong on us,
but if we can't catch 'em,
we got a hound dog
name of Ol' Duke.
He can follow a
trail a month old.
That's a fact, he can!
Why, you just give Ol'
Duke the scent and he'll...
Quiet!
Is it possible that you people
don't realize that
you are the accused?
What do you mean?
You are the folks
who caused these
injuries to the Johnsons.
- Us?!
- Who says so?
They do!
That's a dag-blame lie!
We wasn't even there!
Bailiff, restrain these people.
What do you mean "restrain"?
You want to fight?
You put me down!
Order!
Order! Order!
If you ask me, this is a heck
of a place to spend recess.
Yeah.
That fellow said he'd
put us in here to cool off.
It's hotter in here
than it is in there.
Well, they's one good
thing, he's gonna give
each one of us a
hundred dollars.
A fine.
That's what I say.
Fine and dandy.
Jed, you look like you're
countin' hairs on a hog's back.
What you studyin' on?
I'm studyin' on this
whole situation, Granny.
Why would the Johnsons haul off
and say we done
something that we didn't?
Well maybe they's
fibbin' to get the money.
Maybe they's hatched.
I agree with Elly.
Way I got it figured,
that accident they had
knocked their memories loose.
Might could've.
The way they's bandaged up,
they must've took
some awful hard knocks.
Granny, supposin' you make
some poultices for the Johnsons.
Then that'll draw the
hurt out of their heads,
then they'll be able to
remember what smashed into 'em.
I'll do it, Jed.
And I'll whomp up a great,
big dose of retchweed tonic.
There ain't nothing
like retchweed
to get you thinkin' straight.
All right, folks.
Judge adjourned
court till after lunch.
And then he wants you all back
in that courtroom on
your very best behavior.
He said he'd suspend
your hundred dollar fines.
There he goes,
spendin' our money again.
We're gonna ask the court
for a judgment by default.
Those hillbillies
aren't coming back.
They've probably left town.
Hope we didn't
keep you folks waitin'.
We hurried the best we could.
Didn't even stop to eat.
It's a for piece
over at our place.
And Granny had
a lot of fixin' to do.
And you're gonna
feel a heap difference
when I get done with you!
How dare you
threaten my clients!
Bailiff!
Quiet down, little man,
ain't nobody threatenin' nobody.
They're back, Your Honor.
All rise.
You can uncover the grits,
but keep the lid on
the baked possum.
How about the chitlins?
They's just as good cold.
They sure is, Granny.
Smells good, don't it, Judge?
We'd be right pleasured
to have you join us.
Everybody, we got plenty.
Thank you.
That is very nice of you.
Oh, not at all.
You realize how long
you kept this court waiting?
Yeah, I'm sorry
about that, Judge,
but we done the best we could.
Granny was working
like a whirlwind.
Bakin' possum,
cookin' grits,
makin' tonic and
fixin' poultices.
I am not interested in what
Granny has been doing.
I wouldn't rile her
up if I was you,
Judge, not on a empty stomach.
Granny get right ornery
when she ain't eat all day.
I am also not interested in
her dietary idiosyncracies.
Bailiff, remove that
food from this courtroom.
Hold on!
We's hungry!
That's your own
fault, being late.
I wouldn't say too much
about bein' late if I was you.
This is the second time today
you've come in here
in your nightgown.
Uh, tell me, Jethro,
do you like to
drive that old truck?
Oh, yes, sir.
Do you like to drive fast?
Oh, yes, sir, but I'm always...
Just answer the
question, yes or no.
And tell the truth.
Now, do you like to drive fast?
Uh, yes, sir.
Were you driving fast the day
you crashed into
the Johnsons' car?
Oh, no, sir.
Were you driving slowly
when you crashed into their car?
- No, sir.
- That's all, thank you.
- But I'm always...
- Step down, please.
Next witness.
Granny, I understand
that you make
very good moonshine whiskey.
I call it my
rheumatism medicine.
I see.
But it is quite potent,
quite strong?
Well, you don't want to
stand too close to a fire
when you uncork it.
Yes, well, uh, now then, Granny.
Do you sometimes carry a jug
of this rheumatism
medicine around with you?
Take it on trips, say?
Only when I get my twinges.
Well, were you
having twinges the day
you and your family
crashed into the Johnsons?
No. And we didn't...
That's all. Thank you.
Now then, Elly May,
when the old truck here
crashed into the Johnsons' car,
would you show me just
where you were sitting?
Well, I was sittin' right there.
- But we didn't...
- That's all.
Thank you.
Mr. Clampett, how many
guns do you have in your home?
Well, there's Granny's shotgun,
Jethro's lever
action, my pistol,
my squirrel rifle...
You needn't go on, Mr. Clampett.
That's quite an
arsenal you have.
Thank you.
You're used to carrying
a gun, aren't you?
I been totin' a squirrel rifle
since I was knee
high to a jackrabbit.
And I understand
you're quite a good shot.
Back where I come from,
if you didn't shoot
good, you didn't eat.
I see, you shot only for food.
Yes, sir.
And you were very poor.
Yes, sir.
And then oil was
discovered on your land
and you became
very, very wealthy
and moved to Beverly Hills.
Yes, sir.
But isn't it a fact,
Mr. Clampett,
that in spite of
all your millions,
you are still frequently seen
carrying a gun?
Yes, sir, you see...
Just answer the
question yes or no.
Do you, to this day,
frequently carry a gun?
Yes, sir.
Were you carrying a gun
the day you and your family
crashed into the Johnsons?
No, sir, and we didn't...
That's all.
Thank you.
Step down.
No, sir.
What do you mean, "no, sir"?
That ain't all and I
ain't steppin' down,
not fill I've said a few things.
Your Honor, I object.
Now, Counselor,
I have been very lenient
with your conduct of this case,
just as I have been very
lenient with the conduct
of the defendants.
However, since Mr. Clampett
here is a defendant,
and will bear the
financial burden
if judgment is against him,
the court wishes to hear
anything that is relevant
and pertinent to this case.
Yes, Your Honor.
Now, Mr. Clampett,
let us hear what
you have to say.
Thank you.
Well, to begin with,
there ain't nobody
who told the real story
about what happened the day
the Johnsons backed into us.
I object, Your Honor!
There has not been
one shred of evidence
or testimony supporting
the allegations that my clients
back into the defendants.
That is very true, Counselor.
Perhaps now we might have it.
In the mean time, you be seated.
Yes, Your Honor.
Now, you may
proceed, Mr. Clampett,
realizing, of course,
that you're still under
oath to tell the truth.
Well, Your Honor,
I learned how to tell
the truth so long ago,
I reckon it's become a habit.
And what with making a
promise on the good book,
I'm gonna be extra careful.
Proceed.
Well, me and my family
drove down to the bank.
And then we drove on
home and that was the last
we seen of the Johnsons till
somebody come to the house
and told us to come down
here to the court room.
You may cross-examine.
Well, that's quite a story
you told, Mr. Clampett.
Very simple and very sweet.
Just the truth, like I promised.
You're innocent of all these
charges against you, aren't you?
You've nothing to hide?
That's right.
Then why, Mr. Clampett, did
you not answer the summons
and complaints served upon
you by the county marshal?
Summons and complaint?
That is right.
Complaint.
This is a complaint,
Mr. Clampett.
In fact, it's a copy of the
one delivered into your hands.
Is that a complaint?
It is.
Why didn't you answer it?
Would you mind readin'
that first line there?
"The people of the
state of California
send greetings
to J.D. Clampett."
That just didn't seem
like no complaint to us.
And as for answerin' it,
well, Jethro says
there's pert near
18 million people in California.
We just couldn't hardly see how
we could get around
to greetin' 'em all back.
Any further questions?
Not right now, Your Honor.
The court will
recess for 30 minutes,
after which we'll
hear final arguments.
Uh, Mrs. Johnson,
I'd like to have
a little conference with
you and your husband
before court resumes.
Do you know where he is?
Probably out calling
his bookie, uh, doctor.
Dr. Bookman.
Another thing,
you told me your
husband was a teetotaler.
After lunch today,
I thought I smelled
liquor on his breath.
That's his medicine for pain.
But, Mrs. Johnson,
are you sure you and
your husband are telling me
the complete truth
about this case?
What do you mean?
Are you siding
with that millionaire
against us poor,
crippled people?
Bodies all aching
and racked with pain?
No, no, it's just that
Mr. Clampett's story
was very convincing.
And there were no
witnesses to the accident.
You told me we didn't
need any witnesses.
You said because they
didn't answer the complaint,
we didn't have to
bring in any witnesses.
But you mean you, uh, could
have brought in witnesses?
All you want.
All rise.
Counselor for the plaintiffs
ready for his final summation?
Uh, yes, yes, Your Honor.
Uh, Your Honor,
sir, uh, Mr. Judge,
could I say something that
might save us all a lot of time?
You any objections?
No, no, Your Honor.
Proceed, Mr. Clampett.
Uh, well, sir, uh,
if it's all right with you,
I'd like to go ahead
and, uh, give that
hundred thousand dollars
to the Johnsons.
Do you admit the claims
made by the Johnsons?
Well, no, sir, I don't.
But, uh, he deserves the money,
and I can afford to give it
to him, more if he needs it.
Would you mind telling the
court why you think he deserves it?
Well, Your Honor, I got a
daughter here, Elly May,
and I reckon she
means more to me
than just about
anything in the world.
And during the recess,
when, uh, I seen
Mr. Johnson with his daughter,
and seein' how
much he loved her,
just like I do Elly May,
well, it kinda tore at my heart.
What daughter?
Shut up.
So there he was
in his wheelchair
in that little room
across the hall,
and in walked this beautiful
girl with long, red hair,
and I knowed right away
she was his daughter
'cause she walked up
to him and she says,
"How's it goin', Daddy?"
Judge, Your Honor,
with no nurse to help him,
that brave man got to his
feet and stood there straight
and tall so she wouldn't
see he was sufferin'.
And he hugged her and
he kissed her and right then
is where I found out she
was a heap like my daughter.
Fond of critters,
'cause he said,
"Marcia, darlin', when I
get this hundred thousand,
"I'm gonna take you to Mexico
and we're gonna
watch the ponies run."
So, you've taken
up with that redhead.
Mabel, Mabel, Mabel!
Mabel, Mabel, Mabel!
Your Honor, these developments
surprise me as they did you.
I ask to be relieved
from the case at once.
Request granted.
This court finds
for the defendants.
Bailiff, bring those plaintiffs
back into this
court immediately!
They're to be held for perjury!
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
This has been a
Filmways presentation.