The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 31 - The Clampetts Entertain - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

♪ Jesse had a Wife ♪

♪ To mourn all her life ♪

♪ The children they was brave ♪

♪ 'Twas a dirty little coward
that shot Mr. Howard ♪

♪ And they laid Jesse
James in his grave ♪

♪ 'Twas a Saturday night... ♪

Pa?

Jethro and me is awful
worried about Granny.

What's she doin'?

Nothing.

Just sittin' in the kitchen,

rockin' and
a-starin' at the walls.

She won't talk to nobody,
nor say howdy, or...

Yeah, I noticed Granny
kind of droopin' this morning.

I reckon she misses Pearl.

But them two was
always scrappin'.

I reckon that's what she misses.

You know, Granny's a lot
like that banty of yours, Elly.

She loves a scrap.

That's the truth.

Used to pleasure her
considerable to throw

Aunt Pearl out of her kitchen.

Yeah, Granny don't want no
one cookin' in there except her.

Jethro?

I think you just
come up with a idea.

I did? What is it?

Elly will go out there
and act like she's goin'

to fix up a mess of vittles.

That'll get Granny's hackles up.

You take care of
Earl for me, Jethro.

Now, Elly May, I know
it's agin your nature,

and I know how much
you love your Granny,

but for her own sake, I want
you to try to be real spiteful.

Try to get her riled up.

I'll do it, Pa.

Hey, Uncle Jed, can I go, too?

After all, it was my idea.

Wasn't it?

Yeah, Jethro, and take
that banty along with ya.

There ain't nothin'
that riles Granny more

than chickens in the kitchen.

Well, I'm gonna cook
up a mess of vittles.

That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get out every pot
and pan in this here kitchen,

and I'm gonna whomp
up the doggonedest meal

anybody ever tasted.

Hi, Elly, what
you fixin' on doin'?

I'm gonna cook up some vittles.

Granny don't allow nobody
to cook vittles in her kitchen.

I don't care what
Granny don't allow.

I'm gonna cook up
some vittles anyhow.

I'll help you.

Here now, what are
you young'uns up to?

We's gonna cook us some vittles.

Why, you know Granny
don't allow that in her kitchen.

We don't care what
Granny don't allow.

We's gonna cook us
some vittles anyhow.

Jethro, is that a
chicken you're holdin'?

Yes, sir!

Well, you better get
shed of it right away.

No, I mean outside.

Ain't nothin' riles Granny
more than chickens in a kitchen.

This is worse than I thought.

Don't nothin' rile her up.

We got to try harder.

Elly May, what you
figurin' on cooking?

Grits.

Grits?

Why, your Granny just
cooked a mess of grits last night.

I know, Pa.

But them was the worst mess
of grits anybody ever cooked.

Well, heck, I ate four
great big heapin'...

Elly May Clampett,
what a spiteful,

rilin' thing to say about
your Granny's cookin'.

The child is right, Jed.

I can't do nothin' no more.

I ain't worth the powder
to blow me up with.

Granny, I didn't mean it!

Pa made me say it!

Them was the best grits ever.

They sure was, Granny.

Like I was gonna tell ya,
I ate four great big bowls.

But Uncle Jed, he
wouldn't let me tell you.

And he made me throw
that chicken on ya, too.

I don't blame Jed for
wantin' to get rid of me.

I'm just a useless old woman.

I ain't good for
nothin' or nobody.

My time has come.

Now, Granny, hold on there.

No, no, Jed.

Just do me one favor.

Send me back home.

I don't wanna die in
this foreign country.

Now hush that kind of talk.

Pa, you ain't
gonna let Granny...

Don't try to shield me
from him, young'uns.

Just make it quick
and merciful, Jed.

Pole-axe me!

Well, I sure made
a mess of that.

Come on, maybe we can think
of something if we go outside

and put our two
chicken brains together.

Oh, comin', Uncle Jed.

You wait here, I'll go
and see Mr. Drysdale.

Ask Miss Jane to
come to supper, too.

Mr. Drysdale, look who's here.

I don't want to be no bother.

Well, it's always a pleasure
to see you, Mr. Clampett.

Sit down, sit down.

Thank you.

Well, now, what
can I do for you?

Well, I got a little problem.

Your problems are my problems.

What's troubling my
favorite depositor?

Well, uh, who?

You, Mr. Clampett, you.

Oh, well, you see, it's Granny.

That poor little old
woman is feelin' lower

than a fat frog in a dry well.

Well, now, we must do
something to cheer her up.

Indeed we must.

You see, back home, we'd
just have a bunch of neighbors in

and have us a do.

Ain't nothin' pleasures
Granny more than doin' for folks.

"Doin'?"

Yeah, you know,
whompin' up a big feed,

tappin' a keg of her
cider, seem“ everybody

has plenty to eat and
drink and has a good time.

Can't Granny do that here?

Well, you folks is about
the only ones we know.

We'll be happy to
come, just say when.

I reckon the sooner the better.

How about tonight?

That'd be right neighborly.

Mrs. Drysdale in town?

Yes, she is, and she'll
be delighted to come.

Delighted.

I would rather
face a firing squad.

Margaret, honey bun, please.

I cannot picture
myself, with my fine,

old Boston background,
sitting down to dine

with those
prehistoric hillbillies.

Oh, but dumpling.

Milburn, I have
told you repeatedly

I will not mingle socially
with the Clampetts.

And I have told you repeatedly

that their money is
the pillar of this bank!

Money isn't everything.

Only if you have plenty.

Which you will not, unless
you go to Granny's dinner,

because I will cut
off your allowance.

You wouldn't.

Try me.

You brute.

Associating with Jed
Clampett has made you

the same kind of
a man that he is.

Oh, no, Margaret.

If I were the kind of
man Jed Clampett is,

I wouldn't waste
time talking, oh no.

I would put you across my knee

and paddle your fine,
old Boston background.

Oh'.!

Chief, Mrs. Drysdale.

This is indeed a red letter day.

Guess who has just
landed on the roof.

Well, it's a little
early for Santa Claus.

Oh, no indeed.

It's our distinguished
chairman of the board,

Mr. Martin Van Ransohoff.

What?

Well, I thought he
was on a world cruise.

No!

He's anchored
his yacht off Balboa

and helicoptered in to see you.

Mr. Van Ransohoff.

Marty, Milburn, call me Marty.

You know Mrs. Drysdale.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, for what?

Well, I think you should
be the first to know

I'm elevating your husband
to the board of directors.

- Board of directors?
- Chief!

Yes, well, he deserves it.

Any man that can land
the Clampett account

is my kind of banker.

And I want the two of
you to celebrate with me,

having dinner on my yacht.

Thank you, we'd be delighted.

I have a new French
chef that's a genius.

Every meal is an adventure.

Sounds marvelous.

But darling, have you
forgotten that we're dining

with the Clampetts this evening?

Oh, well, don't worry
about that, I'll call it off.

Oh, no, no, we won't.

There's one man I want
to meet, J.D. Clampett.

Business genius,
financial wizard,

shrewd, calculating, incisive.

Mr. Clampett?

Who told you Mr. Clampett
was that kind of a man?

You did.

I did?

Yes, right after you
landed the account.

Oh, yes, yes!

Well, he's still the same
kind of man, isn't he?

Of course, certainly.

He's, uh... he's, uh...

Crude.

What was that?

Shrewd, shrewd!

Thank you, Margaret, that's
just the word I was looking for.

Come on, dear, I'm
sure you want to rush out

and buy yourself a new wardrobe

to celebrate your
husband's promotion.

I'm doubling your allowance.

Milburn.

Now you see what trouble

mingling with the
lower classes can bring.

What do you intend to do?

Just what any decent,
sensible man would do

who has lied his
way into trouble.

I'm going to lie my way out.

Oh, Mr. Van Ransohoff.

Marty, Marty.

Oh, yes, Marty.

Well, the Clampetts won't
be able to have dinner

with us on your yacht.

Well, why not?

Well, it was foolish
of me to forget this,

but they're rather
susceptible to seasickness,

sort of a family characteristic.

Well, that's ridiculous.

They won't get
seasick on my yacht.

Compared to mine, the
Vanderbilts have a rowboat.

The dining salon is
as solid as this building.

Just being near the
ocean upsets them.

Yeah, what a shame.

I was going to fly the
entire Lido de Paris show

down from Las Vegas.

Give our company a little
entertainment during dinner.

What's a meal without
some atmosphere, huh?

Just one of those things.

I'll tell you what you do.

Jane, charter me a jet, see,
we'll fly everyone to Hawaii,

have a little luau, wear
muumuus or mamas, do the hula.

You do the hula?

It'll be a ball.

I'm sorry, they're also
subject to airsickness.

You just can't have
an ordinary dinner

for a sophisticated man of
the world like J.D. Clampett.

Sophisticated man of the world?

That's what Milburn says.

Bon vivant,
international financier,

those were your exact words.

They were? Oh, they were, yes!

Tell you what, I haven't
done this in years.

Jane, get a...
charter a train, see,

and I'll get the galley
crew in the ship,

we'll have an
orchestra in the club car.

Dinner on the train and
dessert in San Francisco.

Should be a million laughs.

Last time I did this was
between Paris and St. Moritz.

Had everybody dress
as Swiss yodelers,

, you know.

St. Bernard dogs
wearing the kegs of brandy

under their necks...
bow wow wow!

I tell you, the Duke
and Duchess of...

it really was embarrassing.

What's the matter?

They get train sick, too.

How do these people
travel, in space capsules?

Well, just don't stand
there, come up with an idea!

I'm racking my
brain, believe me!

Granny?

Granny.

Look-a here.

I learned Earl a new trick.

He's a dead rooster.

Look.

Just put us both in a pine box
and send us home for burying.

He ain't really dead,
he's just playin'.

Look at this.

See, he's alive!

More than I can say for me.

Elly May, you best stop
playing with that chicken.

You got lots to do.

What, Pa?

Oh, cookin' for
company, that's what.

We is having a big doin's.

Well, who's all coming?

Well, Miss Hathaway,
Mr. Drysdale, Mrs. Drysdale,

I don't know who all.

Well, what'll I cook?

The fanciest spread ever.

Jethro's out right now,
getting some fresh vittles.

I reckon you start heatin'
the water for the owl soup,

and I'll go down the cellar and
fetch up some salted possum.

Hold on, everybody.

If we is havin' a do,
I'm gonna do the doin'.

Elly May, get this
chicken out of here.

Nothin' riles me like
chickens in my kitchen.

And the rest of you scat, too.

Elly May, you set the table
in the fancy eatin' room.

Jed, you go cut me
some fresh greens.

♪ Oh, we're gonna have a
doin' for the folks next door ♪

♪ I'll bake them up a possum
and plenty Vittles more ♪

♪ A half a keg of cider
and a little mountain dew ♪

♪ And we'll all have
ourselves a hullabaloo ♪

Look, there's a place out here

called the
Coliseum, isn't there?

Yes, it's a stadium.

Oh, good, good, we'll
hire it for the night.

Tell you what we'll do, we'll
have a Roman bacchanal, see.

All the guests will wear togas,

they'll have laurel
leaves in their hair...

- Mr. Van... Marty.
- Yes?

I don't think you
can get the Coliseum

on such short notice.

Well, I tell you what, we'll get
Grauman's Chinese, that's it.

We'll rent the theater,
you understand?

Have all the guests
dressed in kimonos,

and we'll have dinner
out in the forecourt.

Oh, and by the way, Jane,
get me some fresh cement.

I bet you Jed Clampett never put

his footprints in wet cement
while eating fried shrimp.

Well, to tell you the truth...

I know what you're going to say.

That's the trouble with
fellas like Clampett and me,

we've been everywhere,
we've done everything.

They're just, there are
no new thrills, that's all.

Yes, that's probably
why the Clampetts

are such a secluded
family... They never go out.

By the way, you're going over
for dinner tonight, aren't you?

Yes, but...

Jane, call them and
ask if I could impose

on their hospitality.

I've just got to
meet the Clampetts.

No no, no, no, don't call them!

Well, why not?

Well, they don't like to
talk on the telephone.

Now I'll go up there in person,

and speak to them
on your behalf.

Oh, good boy, good boy.

Look, just in case, I'd
better get a date for tonight.

Get me Liz Taylor
on the telephone.

I believe she's in Europe.

Zsa Zsa Gabon.

Married.

Gina Lollobrigida, married.

Susan Hayward, married.

Jayne Mansfield, married.

Jane Hathaway...

single.

Who is she?

Yours truly.

Heh.

Yeah, Shirley MacLaine, married.

Mr. Van Ransohoff, I
think I should tell you

that I already
have an invitation

to the Clampetts'
for dinner tonight.

We are very good
friends, very close.

Really?

Yes, indeed.

So, would you
mind turning around?

Debbie Reynolds is married.

Mr. Van Ransohoff.

I think you should also know
that the Clampetts do not,

as they say,
cotton to strangers.

Miss Hathaway,
let me say that...

you have a date
for this evening.

Mm-hm, jolly good.

But, a word of caution.

The fact that I have appeared
eager might lead you to believe

that I am a girl with whom
you could take liberties.

Nothing could be
further from the truth.

I permit no familiarity
on the first date.

Bless you, my girl.

I can't tell you how sorry I
am, Mr. Clampett, but you see,

Mr. Van Ransohoff is my boss.

Well, bring him along.

Granny's got plenty of
possum, grits, and owl soup.

Well, I'd love to bring him
but he has dinner planned

on his yacht and I have
to do what he wants.

I'm terribly sorry.

Yeah, so am I.

Poor Granny, it's gonna
be like a mule kick to her.

Well, tell her we'll
come tomorrow night

or tomorrow morning
for breakfast if she likes,

but tonight I have to be
with Mr. Van Ransohoff.

Well, I understand.

Thank you, Mr. Clampett,
thank you very much.

Better not bring these
in to Granny just yet.

When she hears the news,

she's liable to
commence flingin' them.

Give me the knife,
Jed, just heard the news.

Now, simmer down, Granny,
you can't catch Mr. Drysdale,

he done gone.

What I want to catch him for?

Comin' back here tonight with
Miss Jane and Mr. Rancyhoff.

Is Mr. Rancyhoff comin' here?

Sure he is.

Miss Jane just called
to see if he got the invite.

I says shucks, he don't need
no invite, just bring him along.

Well, doggies.

If Mr. Rancyhoff is comin',
then they's all comin',

'cause he's the boss.

♪ Oh, we're gonna have a
doin' for the folks next door ♪

♪ Jane and Mr. Rancyhoff
and that makes four ♪

♪ Tap a keg of cider and
a little mountain dew ♪

♪ And we'll all have
ourselves a hullabaloo. ♪

What do you mean, Ransohoff's
going to the Clampetts'?

I'll be exposed, I'll be ruined.

Chief!

Chief, veritas vincit omnia.

If that's the name of a
poison, get me some.

It means "the
truth conquers all."

Tell Mr. Van
Ransohoff the truth.

Admit that you deceived him.

Do you know what
happened to the last man

who admitted that to Ransohoff?

He is now working at the
bank at Moosejaw, Alaska.

He goes to work in a dog sled.

Chief, Chief.

I have an idea.

I am Mr. Van
Ransohoff's date tonight.

I'll tell him the truth.

I'll pick a romantic
moment and...

seal it with a kiss.

Are you kidding?

He has a bank north of Moosejaw!

Milburn, wait till you see
the divine gown I purchased.

It was designed especially
for an evening on a yacht.

Well, take it back and
try to get something

that's good for a
day on a dog sled.

Say, what a place, huh?

A veritable palace.

I hope this isn't one of those

dull, stuffy, formal
parties, you know?

Last week I went to one
at Buckingham Palace.

The liveried servants
and the protocol.

Not a laugh all evening.

Well, I doubt very
much it will be formal.

On the contrary...

Oh, oh, don't tell me!

I love surprises.

Elsa Maxwell gave me a
surprise party last month

at the Waldorf Astoria.

Converted the main
ballroom into Sahara Desert.

Sand dunes and
camels, real camels.

Everybody came as sheiks,

she came as a belly dancer
and I was Lawrence of Arabia.

Oh, what a laugh!

What are you doing?

I'm packing for
Moosejaw, Alaska.

Ransohoff just arrived
at the Clampetts.

Surely you're
exaggerating the situation.

Margaret, one look at those
hillbillies and I'm an Eskimo.

J.D. Clampett, may I present
Mr. Martin Van Ransohoff.

How do you do?

Hi there, just call me Jed.

And this here's Granny.

Pleasure to know you.

How do you do?

Ah, this is fabulous.

No, this is Elly.

My daughter, Elly May.

Howdy, there.

Say, I got a rooster
that plays dead.

Want to see him?

Now, Elly May, let's wait till
later to show off your critters.

This fine young feller
here is my nephew Jethro.

Howdy, Mr. Rancyhoff.

He's my cousin Pearl's boy.

We're right proud of Jethro,

he's gonna graduate from
the fifth grade this year.

Congratulations, young man.

Well, thank you.

Well, let's all go sit in
the parlor while Granny

pulls the bung
on a keg of cider.

Jane, Jane, this is
marvelous, simply marvelous

and what a surprise.

Who'd think that a stuffy
millionaire like Clampett

would come up
with a hillbilly party.

The man is a genius,
and those accents,

they must have been
practicing for weeks.

Oh, longer than that.

Yes, well, when do they start
the hoedown or the square dance

or whatever they're gonna do?

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Rancyhoff.

Marty, Marty.

Well, come on, Marty Marty,

once Granny pulls
the bung on that cider,

it evaporates awful fast.

Look, we'd like to get
in the spirit of the party.

Do you got anymore clothes
like the one that you're wearing?

Sure, Elly May, Jethro!

Take these folks upstairs and
get them some party clothes.

Sure, come on!

Yeah!

Miss Hathaway.

Miss Hathaway.

Jane!

Here I am.

Ha ha, you look like
something out of Tobacco Road.

Well, you're not exactly
Adolphe Menjou yourself.

You know, I can't get over
an important millionaire

like Clampett going to all
this trouble to surprise me

with a hillbilly party.

He's a wonderful man.

He's the greatest.

He's a millionaire's
millionaire.

I'll always be grateful to
Drysdale for... by the way,

why aren't the Drysdales here?

Well, that's rather a long
story, Mr. Van Ransohoff.

Call me Marty Marty the way
Clampett does, that kills me.

Well, Marty Marty,
Mr. Drysdale thinks you're going

to transfer him to your
bank in Moosejaw, Alaska.

Moosejaw, Alaska?

Milburn, what are you doing?

I'm trying to figure out
if I can convert these

into snow shoes.

I've had enough of
this ridiculous nonsense.

Are we going to dinner or not?

Well, that depends.

Mr. Van Ransohoff spoke
so highly of his French chef.

I'm simply dying
for a Chateaubriand.

How would you feel about a
nice, big dish of flaming blubber?

Really.

Shh, Shh.

I hear square dance music!

What does that mean?

It probably means
that Ransohoff has left.

He's on his way over here,

and we're on our
way to Moosejaw.

II

Yeehaw!

Do-si-do!

Yeehaw!

All right!

All right, everybody!

Granny says we can't wait
no longer for the Drysdales.

Her owl soup and
chicken-fried hawk is gettin' cold.

This way to the
fancy eatin' room.

Owl soup and chicken-fried
hawk... what a sense of humor.

Drysdale's missing
the party of the year!

Do-si-do!

Dinner in the billiard room!

This is priceless.

Well, before we all sit
down, there's a couple things

I better explain to
you, Marty Marty.

Now these sticks with
the notches in them

is the pot passers.

And these pointy ones
here is the meat stabbers.

They is just dandy for
stabbin' stuffed crow.

Wish Elsa Maxwell and
Perle Mesta could be here.

Partial to stuffed
crow, is they?

Well, come on, sit
down, everybody,

first we'll have
grace, and after that,

Elly May will pass out
the devilled buzzard eggs.

They is just fine
with baked possum.

II

I tell you, fabulous.

Is that fabulous?

I tell you, I've been to
parties all over the world,

but this is the cleverest,
the most original.

And what food.

Imagine calling
roast pheasant au jus

"stuffed crow
with gopher gravy."

I noticed that you
didn't eat much.

Oh, the excitement
of the evening.

Yes, I must say,
I don't blame you.

I can hardly wait
to get back from

that around-the-world cruise
to see what kind of party

they're going to
plan for me next.

Marty Marty!

Granny said you seem so fond
of her devilled buzzard eggs,

she wanted you to have
these to take home with you.

Oh, well, thank her for me.

You bet I will.

Good night!

Good night.

Is that beautiful?

Still in character.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

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Filmways presentation.