The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 30 - Duke Becomes a Father - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Trust him not,
dear gentle lady ♪

♪ Though his voice
be a-low and sweet ♪

♪ Listen to the
gypsy's warning ♪

♪ Gentle lady, trust him not ♪

♪ Gentle lady, trust him not ♪

♪ Gentle lady, trust him not. ♪

Excuse me, Granny,
I'm going to the store.

Is there anything you need?

I'll check my supplies,
whilst you string these beans.

That's women's work.

What'd you say?

I said, stringin' beans
is women's work.

It's anybody's work
I tells them to do it.

Well, I ain't gonna do it.

Jethro, that's the first time

you've ever talked back
to Granny, and it's the last.

Now, you go out and
cut me a hickory switch

and meet me in the woodshed.

We ain't got no hickory tree.

No woodshed, neither.

That's the truth, ain't it.

Yeah.

Hey now, what'd you
want to go and do that for?

Ow!

Now, do you want to
string beans, or do you want

to stand up for your meals
for the next few days?

I want to string beans.

Hop to it.

Let's see what I got here.

One deviled hawk eggs,
two pickled pawpaws.

Three hominy grits, one
salted-down hog jowls.

One sack of salt,
one sack of sugar,

and one sack of dried beans.

One skunk.

One skunk.

Jethro!

There's alive skunk
in that cabinet.

You go get him out!

I'm sorry, Granny, I'm gonna
have to talk back to you again.

Here, Charlie.

Elly May.

Is Charlie a critter
about this size

with a white streak
down his back?

Yeah, Granny, you seen him?

He's in that cabinet over there.

Now you go over
there and get him out.

Come on, Charlie.

He likes to crawl in
dark places and snooze.

Elly May, I never said nothin'
when you drug home 14 dogs,

three cats, a
rooster, and a duck.

And a baby lion,
and a brace of goats.

But by dingies, I ain't
gonna hold still for skunks.

Granny, you scarin' him.

What do you suppose
he done to me?

I've looked at many
a sack of beans,

but it's the first one that
ever looked back at me.

I'm sorry, Granny, but I
got him to help old Duke.

How's he gonna do that?

Well, Pa says old Duke
was a-losin' his smeller.

He can't trail nothin' no more.

So I figured if he
could sniff any trail,

it'd be Charlie's.

Yeah, your Pa's been
quite worried here lately

about old Duke's
nose goin' bad on him.

Smell that, Duke.

Nice, big fat rabbit.

Come on, trail it.

Trail it, boy.

Come on.

Well, I think I know
what you're gonna like.

Big, sassy fox.

Get him, boy.

Come on.

Come on, get it.

Come on, boy.

Get up.

Come on, he's hiding
in a hollow log, there.

Sniff him out,
boy, sniff him out.

Come on, sniff him out.

This'll get at you.

A raccoon, they're
your favorite.

Come on, get him, boy.

Now come on, get him.

Get him.

Trail him.

Get him, boy, get that
old raccoon, come on.

Come on.

He's kickin' dirt in your face.

You ain't gonna
stand for that, are you?

Sure is a pitiful thing, Duke.

Have a nose that
big, not have it workin'.

Pa?

Pa, is old Duke any better?

Elly, honey, there's a dog
used to be able to trail a butterfly

through a swamp after a rain.

Now he couldn't
smell cabbage cookin'.

I got something here
I'll bet you he can smell.

He won't do nothing, Pa.

He likes me.

Yeah, well, how's
he feel about me?

Charlie, this here's my Pa.

Now you be nice to him.

And this here is old Duke.

You let him get a good whiff,

and then he's gonna trail you.

Now Charlie, it's all
in fun, no hard feelings.

Maybe he caught your cold,
Pa, and got his nose stopped up.

Either that or he
just don't give a hoot.

He looks worried.

Elly May, all
hounds look worried.

But I have noticed him lookin'

over at the Drysdale
place every now and then,

kind of whimpering.

I'll bet you he
misses Cotton Patch.

Who?

The white poodle Mrs. Drysdale
brought over from France

to marry up with her poodle.

Oh, yeah.

She's in the hospital.

Been there a couple
of weeks or so.

Reckon that's why
Duke's a-pinin'.

Duke, you just have
to get her off your mind.

She belongs to somebody else.

Aww, Duke, don't cry.

Jed, Uncle Jed?

Look what was in
the mail box for you.

Come all the way
from Paris, France.

For me?

Says right on it,
Mon-sewer J.D. Clampett.

Hey, I'll bet you that's
from that pretty French lady.

The one that brought
Cotton Patch over.

Yeah, the one you was
courtin' and sparkin'.

What are you talking
about, courtin' and sparkin'?

Well, you shaved for her,
and in the middle of the day.

You flickered down
your hair with smellum.

You shined your shoes
and it weren't even Sunday.

You put on your
swallow-tail coat

and your courtin' derby.

And then you went
right on over to...

Ain't you two young'uns got
some chores to do or something?

No, Pa.

Hey, why don't you open
that up and see what that

pretty French lady sent you?

Probably ain't from her at all,
probably just some catalogue.

From Paris, France?

Elly, why don't you
go out and help Granny

and take Charlie back
where you found him.

Jethro, you take Duke
for a run through the hills.

Do you both good.

Where you going, Uncle Jed?

Just take care of Duke,
I'll take care of me.

II

Come on, Duke.

Uncle Jed wants me
to take you for a run.

Look, you can't run
lest you get to your feet.

Well, come on, Duke, try
to get both ends up at once.

Jethro.

Run me over to
Mr. Drysdale's bank.

Okay, Uncle Jed.

I can run you a heap easier
than I can run old Duke.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I mean run me down in the truck.

Oh.

Oh, all right, I'll go fetch it.

One of these days,

I got to have a long
talk with that boy.

Oh, Chief, you told me to
warn you if your wife came in.

She's here?

The doorman just called.

Oh well, tell her I've gone to
Las Vegas to get some money.

Chief.

Milburn.

Ah, Margaret.

Claude has
something to tell you.

Oh, well, write me a letter,
Claude, I'm very busy right now.

Do you know what day this is?

Black Wednesday?

It's homecoming day
for your grandchildren.

My what?

I talked to the
doctor at the hospital,

and he said Claude's wife and
babies can come home today.

Isn't it exciting?

Aren't you thrilled?

Beyond description.

Claude is the
father of quintuplets.

Aren't you proud
of him, Milburn?

Margaret, it is not
unusual for a dog litter

to number 12 or even more.

Why must you
always belittle Claude.

You know how sensitive he is.

Oh, I'm sorry, Claude.

Good show, congratulations.

Now, I've got a lot of
work to do, Margaret.

You certainly have.

We want you to help
pick five baby names.

Three boys and two girls.

We want your suggestions.

Well, my first suggestion is
for you to go home and do it.

I've got a bank to run.

Bank, bank, bank, that's
all your daddums talks about.

Now, of course the first
boy should be Claude, Jr.

And the first girl
should be Claudette.

Claude wanted to name one
of the boys after his daddums,

but Milburn just
doesn't sound French.

Hallelujah.

Now, let's all sit down and we
can go over my list of names.

Claude, you can lie down.

Poor darling.

He's a nervous wreck.

He's chewed his nails
right down to the paw.

Well, I'm going to be doing
a little nail-chewing myself

before all this is over.

Isn't it exciting?

Oh, Mr. Clampett,
how nice to see you.

I'll tell Mr. Drysdale
you're here.

Oh no, no, please, it's
you I've come to see.

I'?

Yes, ma'am.

You see, this come
for me in the mail.

I think it's wrote in French.

Would you, uh...?

Translate?

Oh, I'd be happy to.

Sit down.

Oh, Mademoiselle Denise.

Hm-hm.

She said she was
gonna send me a picture.

Such a beautiful woman.

So sweet and so charming.

Funny thing about her,

I couldn't understand
a word she was sayin',

but I sure did likes the
way she was sayin' them.

Shall I read the letter to you?

Yes, ma'am, but... not too loud.

"Chére Monsieur Clampett.

"Dear Mr. Clampett.

"Here is the
photograph I promised.

"I shall be coming to Beverly
Hills again very soon now,

and I hope that I may take one
of you back to Paris with me."

Wonder which one
of us she gonna take?

It'd be a treat for Granny.

No, Mr. Clampett, she
means a photograph of you.

Oh, I don't think I got none.

Leave that to me,
it's easily arranged.

I'll read on.

"Mrs. Drysdale has cabled
me that Colette is expecting,

"and has invited me to come

"and take my pick
of the litter of puppies.

"I am looking forward
to seeing you then.

"Sincere best wishes,

your friend, Mademoiselle
Denise Bouchard."

Hmmm, doggies.

Sure is handy to understand
that foreign writing and talking.

Reckon you could learn me?

Ooh, well, yes... in time.

Today?

I could give you
a lesson at noon.

How long would it take?

Oh, an hour.

Hour?

That ain't bad.

Well, I'll tell Mr. Drysdale
and be right over.

Thank you.

Come in.

Sure is gonna be nice
talkin' foreign with you.

How do you do?

It is good to see you again.

Thank you, I am fine.

How do you do?

It is good to see you again.

Thank you, I am fine.

Who you talkin' to?

Oh, bonjour, Madame.

Que! plaisir de vous voir.

Merci beaucoup, je vais bien.

Oh, you're that
foreign-speakin' lady

that Jed got all
frizzled up over.

Come on in.

Well, sure nice
to see you again.

Ah, oui.

How do you do?

It is...

Just fine, thanks.

How're you

How do you do?

It is...

Just fine, thank you!

How are you?!

How do you do?

I don't know whether
you don't hear me

or you don't believe me.

Granny, do you want me to...

Oh, howdy, ma'am.

Nice to see you
again, how are ya?

How do you do?

Oh, just as frisky
as a flea on a fat dog.

Thank you.

Don't do no good to tell her.

She'll only ask you again.

How do you do, it uh...

See what I mean?
Kind of rattled.

Better take her
out to the kitchen

and give her some coffee.

Ah, coffee!

Bon!

Well, I reckon she could
scare you up a bone.

But wouldn't you
rather have a donut?

How do you do?

Get that coffee, quick.

Thank you, Jethro.

Oh, Uncle Jed, can I see
what you got from Paris?

Oh, I reckon not, Jethro.

Besides, it's wrote in French.

Can you read French?

Who?

That beautiful foreign lady
that you was so sweet on.

From Paris.

She here already?

In the kitchen, having coffee.

Doggone, another hour and
I'd have had my French lesson.

Where you goin'?

Goin' up to wash my hands.

Howdy, Granny.

Jethro, finish my sweepin'.

I got to go some place.

No, ma'am, Granny.

What?

Sweepin' is women's work.

You go cut me a hickory
switch and you wait for me...

Granny, I told you before,
there ain't no hickory switches,

nor woodsheds in Beverly Hills.

No wonder they have
to have policemen

to watch the young'uns.

I ain't gonna bite
on that one again.

I'm too smart.

Is that a fact?

Yes, ma'am, Granny.

Uncle Jed says it's
'cause I go to school.

Oh, you're much too
smart for a poor old woman

that ain't had no
schoolin' or nothin'.

Yeah.

That'll be the day when you
can outsmart your old Granny!

Hey, Uncle Jed.

You done shaved again
in the middle of the day.

Hey, Elly May, Granny,
come and see Uncle Jed...

If your brain was as
big as your mouth,

you'd be teaching school
instead of going to it.

Pa, you done flickered
your hair down again.

And put smellum on it, too.

And shined your shoes.

You better be quietin'
down, Elly, or you're going

to get a mouthful of hat.

Monsieur Clampett.

Oh, howdy there, Miss Denise.

You look as pretty as a
bag full of striped candy.

Just my luck.

Another hour and I'd have
been able to understand

every word she said.

Margaret, this was my den,
and you said I could have it back.

All right, dear.

If you'd rather I add a
new wing to the house.

Oh, never mind, I'll keep
on using the basement.

Milburn, isn't it cunning?

Where are the puppies?

They're with their mumsy-wumsy.

I'm surprised you
didn't hire a baby nurse.

Oh, I must speak to the
poodle pediatrician about that.

Oh, Milburn, this is going to
be the most thrilling moment.

Our first look at our
first grandchildren.

Will you please stop
calling them that?

They are dogs.

Now let's have our look so
I can get back to the bank.

Oh, but wait, dear,
don't forget your mask.

Mask?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Oh'.!

It's that hillbilly beast.

Shoo.

Scat.

You mongrel.

Margaret, something tells
me you closed that window

a couple of months too late.

What do you mean?

Oh, Milburn!

How are we going to
break this to Claude?

He's already in analysis.

Oh'.!

Now, try again, Mr. Clampett.

"Bon-jour, mon a-mi."

Once more.

"Bon-jour, mon a-mi."

Good.

Now what does that mean?

Uh...

Open a window?

No, that is “ouvrez la fenétre.“

Uh, the pen of my aunt?

No, that is "la
plume de ma tante."

"Bonjour, mon ami" is
"Good day, my friend."

Oh, that's right.

How long have we been
at this French lesson?

Oh, about 55 minutes.

You say it takes a hour?

That's right.

Well, them last five
minutes must be duzies.

Now let's take "Je t'aime."

“Je t'aime.“

Good, now what does that mean?

Oh, let's see now... pencil box?

Mr. Clampett, "I love you"!

Well, thank you, ma'am,

but since we only
got five minutes left,

maybe we'd better
stick to business.

I think that will be
enough for today.

Where is Mademoiselle Denise?

Oh, Elly May took her
down to the cement pond

to meet her critters.

Bonjour, mon ami.

Excellent, excellent!

Howdy, you furry little varmint.

Well, if that's French,
we been talkin' it for years.

I rather imagine she learned
that from listening to Elly May.

Jed!

Jed.

Jed.

Mrs. Drysdale's here,
and she's squawkin'

like a two-pound chicken
laying a three-pound egg.

There you are,
Mademoiselle Denise.

You may take this wanton
hussy back to the streets of Paris,

where she belongs.

Je ne comprends pas.

"Why, Mrs. Drysdale?"

Milburn, show them why.

Oh, quellr bébés précieux!

Monsieur Duke, je pense
que vous étes le papa!

Duke, there sure enough
is a family resemblance.

He's as guilty as sin.

Claude will be over later
to demand satisfaction

and to wreak vengeance
on this mongrel.

If that means he's gonna
tangle with Duke here,

I wouldn't recommend it.

I seen this old hound dog
hold his own with a bobcat.

And as for calling
him a mongrel,

the bloodhound happens to
have much more ancient lineage

than the French poodle.

Milburn, are you going
to tolerate this insult?

Why not?

I'm not a French poodle.

Mrs. Drysdale, does
all this talkin' mean

we can keep these here puppies?

And this shameless
canine coquette.

Come, Milburn.

It's time for
Claude's tranquilizer.

Well, is everybody
stayin' for supper?

Well, Granny, I kind of
figured that Miss Denise

being so far from home and all,

that she might want
to eat supper out

at one of them
French eatin' places.

Well, good, if that's what
she wants, let her go.

How many of us does that leave?

Well, you don't understand,
I'd be going with her.

My cooking ain't good
enough for you, huh?

Granny, it ain't
that, it's just,

I'd like to spend a
little time with her alone.

Oh?

Why didn't you say so?

Miss Hathaway, would
you please ask Miss Denise

if she'd allow me to
take her out for vittles?

Certainly.

Monsieur Clampett
voudrait vous inviter é diner.

Enchantée, Monsieur.

Something tells
me that meant yes.

Well, we're ready.

"We"?

Yes, you'll need an interpreter.

Well, I, uh...

Mr. Clampett, if you're thinking
"three's a crowd," you're right,

but I've taken care of that.

Jethro!

Attendez.

Hey, Uncle Jed, Miss Jane
says we's gonna double date.

Well, that wasn't
exactly the way I planned.

Mr. Clampett, I told Jethro
that if you went out tonight,

it would be a double date.

Well, in that case, I can't
let you break your promise,

a double date it'll be.

Well, ma'am, we
didn't talk much,

but I can't remember
When We had a better time.

How'd you like it?

Well, doggies.

How about you two
in the back seat?

You enjoy the double date?

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.