The Beverly Hillbillies (1962–1971): Season 1, Episode 24 - Jed Becomes a Banker - full transcript

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was shootin' at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first
thing you know ♪

♪ Old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪♪

Come on, little
Jethro, drink it up.

No sassafras, no snake wort,

no puccoon root nor retchweed.

How do folks live
in these Beverly Hills

without the necessities of life?

Look what I got, Granny.

Elly May Clampett.

Did you drag home
another pussy cat?

No, Granny, this
here's a special one.

I been helping the critter
doctor over at the zoo,

and he let me bring
this here one home,

'cause its ma was
bein' mean to it.

Husky little critter.

Ought to be a good mouse
catcher when he gets growed.

We can't keep him that long.

Why, the critter doctor said

he gets to be eight
or ten feet long.

He's a lion.

He sure is.

Even a bobcat
don't get that big.

Any luck?

Ah, they ain't nothing
to shoot up in these hills.

A few scrawny
squirrels and rabbits

that ain't worth a cartridge.

By dingies,

let's all go home, where
I can find some yarbs,

and you can find some game.

Yeah, Ma's been wanting
to go back and see Jethrine.

Hey, let's all go together!

You bring the
truck around Jethro,

and I'll pack a lunch
and we can get started.

Now, hold on just a minute.

That may be all right for Pearl.

That's a mighty long trip
to take just to hunt yarbs

and do a little shootin'.

Besides, you got school, Jethro.

And I can't go and
leave little Jethro.

Hey, lookee yonder.

This here's a lion.

So you named him after Jethro.

Yeah, 'cause he's king
of the beasts, aren't you?

Naw, 'cause he eats so
much and his feet's so big.

My feet ain't big.

What you talkin' 'bout, boy?

When you was 12,
your feet was so big

you used to have to go down
to the crossroads to turn around.

Come on everybody,

let's go home, where
we can find some yarbs

and get some fresh game meat.

I'll get the truck.

Now hold on.

Ah, Uncle Jed, if we
don't do us some shooting,

we ain't going to be
able to bark a squirrel

out of a tall tree at 300 yards.

I know we's
getting a mite rusty.

I'll tell you what. You
grab a handful of matches,

we'll stick them in the ground
alongside that wall out front,

we'll sit on the porch,
and we'll take turns

lighting them with our rifles.

Aww, shucks, but
that ain't shooting.

Well, that wall ain't no more

than two or 300
feet from the porch.

I know it ain't real shooting.

I'll tell you what,

we won't take dead aim,
we'll snap shoot them.

Why don't you all shoot
skeets like Mr. Drysdale does?

What's skeets?

Ah, he told me about
them... Them's clay birds.

Well, if you two go
to shooting clay birds,

don't expect me to cook them.

Any statement about
tomorrow's match, gentlemen?

Yes, I want to tell you...

Gentlemen. If you please,

I should like to read

Mr. Drysdale's
prepared statement.

"Win or lose,

"may the spirit of fair play
and good sportsmanship

"which so symbolizes
the Commerce Bank,

"the friendly bank
of Beverly Hills,

prevail in this
great competition..."

Oh, baloney!

I'll give you a statement.

My bank's going to shoot
the pants off of his bank

and win this trophy
back permanently.

I shall begin again.

"Win or lose,

may the spirit of fair
play and good spor..."

Oh, baloney.

Now listen, Hacker.

Your bank hasn't
won in two years.

Not since Lynn Crandall became
my vice president and teammate,

and furthermore...

I've got a little surprise
for you this year, Drysdale.

I've got a new cashier that
can outshoot Davy Crockett.

He'll have to go some to
outshoot "Hawkeye" Crandall.

You said it.

Why, "Hawkeye"
Crandall could pick...

"Hawkeye" Crandall
my Aunt Nellie!

Wait’ll you see Gene Sandmoom

handle one of these things.

Don't wave that
in my face, Hacker.

Chief, Chief, it's Vice
President Crandall

calling from the hospital.

Hospital? Hawkeye?

Yes, he was crossing the street

and he didn't see
a firetruck coming.

Hawkeye.

How bad are you hurt?

Both legs broken.

Right arm.

Three ribs.

Well, we've got until
tomorrow morning.

Try to make it.

I set up four
matches, Uncle Jed.

That's all that was left.

All right.

You light two,
and I'll light two.

Well, you only got
a single barrel rifle.

How you gonna
light both matches?

Never mind about
that, just light yours.

Okay.

I'll light the first two
matches on the left.

I done it.

I lit both of them.

Well, to light my two

with one cartridge,

I got to get a little angle.

That's really doing
it the hard way.

Well, since the
distance is so short,

we got to get a
little sport into it.

I done it.

Yes, sir,

the bullet bounced off
the wall and got them both.

Well, what do we
shoot at now, Uncle Jed?

Well,

let's smear a dab of
sorghum on the wall

and commence pickin' off flies.

What else can
happen to me today?

The skeet championship
out the window

and now those crazy Clampetts
are shooting at passing cars.

I'm sure your wife is
exaggerating, Chief.

The Clampetts wouldn't
do anything that foolhardy.

No? Well, just in
case they would.

Isn't that their
driveway up ahead?

Yes.

Let me know when
we're safely in.

Howdy there, Miss Hathaway.

Mr. Drysdale.

Nice to see you.

Mr. Clampett, what
are you shooting at?

Flies.

Flies?

With a rifle?

Yep.

Up against the front wall there,

just to the right of the gate.

You mean to tell me
you shoot flies sitting

on that wall out there?

No, that wouldn't be sporting.

We get them on the wing.

Impossible.

Hold on there, Mr. Drysdale.

Well, we just smear a
little sorghum on the wall

and get them when
they buzz in for a landing.

The trick is not to get a bee.

If you shoot a bee,

you miss your turn.

Sometimes, when they
come in fast out of the sun,

it's hard to tell them apart.

I can't even see the sorghum.

Neither can I.

Oh, Uncle Jed
ain't missed one yet.

Well, back home they
called him "Hawkeye".

Did you say "Hawkeye"?

Oh, you know how folks
hang a nickname on you.

Miss Hathaway,

the trophy may not be lost.

Chief, he has to be an
employee of the bank.

Meet Mr. J.D. Clampett,

my new vice president.

Welcome aboard, Hawkeye.

Now, will you stop worrying?

Jed Clampett is a vice
president in name only.

He won't come near the bank.

How can you be sure?

Because I told Jethro to
take him out to the skeet club.

I'll meet him there,
and we'll practice

for the rest of the afternoon.

And the skeet match
is tomorrow morning,

and this beauty will
be mine, mine, mine.

Chief, haven't you
heard the expression,

"It's not that you win or lose,

but how you play the game"?

Ah, yes, I've heard it.

And I consider it

one of the most ridiculous
statements ever made.

Suppose Hacker hears

about your new teammate
and comes around to meet him?

Say, that is a good thought.

All right, have a
nameplate made,

put it on Crandall's desk.

J.D. Clampett, Vice President.

Then alert everyone to say
he's out for the balance of the day.

Mr. Drysdale,

I have always been
a loyal secretary,

but there are some things

my conscience will
not permit me to do.

Then bring in a new secretary.

That is one of them.

Come on, Jethro, it's time I
was gettin' down to the bank!

Jed, what is all this nonsense

about you working
for Mr. Drysdale?

You don't know
nothin' about banking!

Well, that's what
I said, Granny.

- You know what he said?
- What?

He said, "Mr. Clampett, you
are the kind of man I need

for vice president because
you are a straight shooter."

Yeah, I reckon
there's always need

of a good, honest man.

Yeah, especially in
the banking business.

Come on, Jethro.

Uncle Jed,

Mr. Drysdale said I
was to take you out

to the skeet shooting range.

He said you don't have
to come to the bank today.

Yeah, I know, Jethro.

I reckon he's just
trying to be nice.

Because with his other
vice president in the hospital,

I don't see what help I
could be to him shootin' skeet.

Aw, shucks, I was countin'

on shooting some
of them clay birds.

Go right ahead, Jethro,

and take your Ma
if she'd like to go.

Pearl don't care
nothing about shootin'.

But I sure would like to get

my old double
barrel un-limbered.

It's getting rusty, and so am I.

Well, fine, Granny.

Elly May can go
too, if she wants.

Just drop me off at
the bank on the way.

Yes, sir, high time

I was getting to my
duties as vice president.

Is this satisfactory,
Mr. Drysdale?

Oh, fine, fine.

Put it on Crandall's
desk back in the corner.

Mr. Hacker is back to
see you and the chairman

of the rules
committee is with him.

I think they expect you
to default the contest.

Just when I've got it won?

Mr. Drysdale,

at the risk of incurring
your disapproval,

I owe it to my conscience to
make the following statement,

which I have typed
up for your perusal.

"Honesty and integrity
are the very cornerstones

"of the great
institution of banking.

"And they are strengthened
by the mortar of fair

"and democratic competition.

"This trophy is symbolic
of that competition.

"It represents a glittering
ideal, and I say to you,

"better defeat with honor
than victory at the cost

of a tarnished ideal."

Hear, hear, Mr. Drysdale,

you are a credit to the
entire banking profession.

That is one of the most
inspired statements

the“ have ever heard.

And Hacker here
thought that you'd default.

Or ask for postponement,

merely because you'd
lost your teammate.

Mr. Hacker, read those
words over and over.

By George,

they mean something.

Yeah, they mean
he's found a crack shot.

Miss, may I, may I
have a copy of this?

Oh, certainly, Mr. Pendleton.

Mr. Hacker, it may interest
you to know that the employee

who I have chosen to be
my teammate has never

in his entire life shot one,

single, solitary clay bird.

Bravo, bravo!

What sportsmanship!

What courage!

What spirit.

What's his name?

J.D. Clampett?

Vice President?

What does a vice
president do, Pa?

I just ain't exactly
sure, Elly May,

that's the reason I want
to talk to Mr. Drysdale.

He might be out at the
skeet place a-waitin' for you.

Well, we'll see.

Are you sure it's all
right for us to go on

out there without you, Jed?

Yeah, Mr. Drysdale said
as long as I work at the bank,

you can all use the skeet club.

Club?

I thought you busted
them things up with a gun.

Oh, you do, Granny.

That's just what they call
the skeet shooting place.

Pull up in front of the bank,
Jethro, and wait for me.

I'll go and see if
Mr. Drysdale's there.

I'd like to meet
this vice president.

Well, he hasn't gotten
to his desk yet, new man,

just getting settled in.

Hmm, but you've picked
him to shoot with you, huh?

Well, as long as he's filling in
for Crandall here at the bank,

I figured the sporting thing

would be to let him fill
in at the skeet match.

You say he's never shot skeet.

My word of honor, this man

has never set foot
upon a skeet field.

That is the courageous
attitude that has kept the doors

of our banks open
through economic upheaval,

political uncertainty,
and world chaos.

Thank you, F.R.

I don't know what this
character's got up his sleeve,

but you can bet your
vault it's something.

Mr. Hacker,

Bill, Billy Boy.

Haven't you heard the saying,
"It's not that you win or lose,

but how you play the game"?

Drysdale, I know that we bankers

aren't supposed to emotional,

but dash it all, man, I...

I'm choking up.

I've had about all
I can swallow, too.

Come in.

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Drysdale,
I was just wondering if...

Oh, Mr. Clampett,
come in, come in!

Well, I-I don't want to butt in.

Oh, it's perfectly all right.

These gentlemen
were just leaving.

Business before
pleasure, gentlemen.

Sit down, make
yourself comfortable.

See you in the
morning, gentlemen.

There is the mark of
true greatness, Hacker.

Did you see the way he
treated that seedy old tramp?

Like he was a millionaire.

This is Crandall's skeet jacket.

I don't know whether
it'll fit you or not.

It's a mite snug,

but I reckon it'll do.

You'd think bankers
could afford new coats

instead of covering them
old ones with patches.

These are the targets
that we shoot at.

Ah, ain't them
dandy little dishes.

Just right for
saucer and coffee.

Why in tarnation do you want
to shoot at a saucer like this?

If you ain't careful,
you'll bust them.

Whereabouts is the cup?

Oh, there aren't any cups.

See, you done busted
them, didn't you?

No, no, Granny,
we don't use cups,

just these saucers.

I mean, these targets.

The object of the game

is to hit them as they
fly through the air.

I reckon I'd like to try that.

Give me a gun, Jethro.

I'll handle the
release switch, chief.

All right if I try it
without this little coat?

Oh, yes, Mr. Clampett.

But I wouldn't suggest
you trying it with the rifle,

because when you yell "Pull",

those targets are
going to shoot out there

at 60 miles an hour.

Pull!

You broke it.

Shattered it.

Sorry about that, I
just meant to nick it,

so as you could use it again.

Well, Jed, from the looks

of all them broken
dishes out there,

you ain't the first one
that made a mistake.

No, Granny, you
don't understand.

You see, the object of the
game is to break the target.

But to do it with a rifle
is absolutely remarkable.

Oh, shucks, that ain't nothing.

A lot easier than
shooting flies.

Can I try?

Yes, of course, but I,

I think you'd better
use the shotgun.

Oh, oh, this here is Granny's.

This here is the
gun I'm used to.

Lead her a mite, Jethro.

Okay, Uncle Jed.

Pull!

Pull!

Pull!

Pull!

Fantastic feat!

Yeah, they is big all right,

but they help him
to stand steady.

Step aside, Jethro,

and give me a whack
at bustin' them things.

Can you fling two at once?

Yes, but...

Fling!

Fling two more... I
got another barrel left.

I have never seen
such marksmanship.

Why, with any one of
you as my teammate,

I can win tomorrow.

I'll shoot with
you, Mr. Drysdale.

I'll shoot with
you, Mr. Drysdale.

Well, thank you, but you see,

my teammate has to be
someone who works at the bank.

And since Mr. Clampett here

just happens to be
my vice president...

Sure was a stroke of luck

for me to get that job just
in time to shoot with you.

Almost as though
it were planned.

Oh, Elly May,

wouldn't you like to try
to hit one of the targets?

Sure would.

Ah, which gun
would you like to use?

Don't want no gun.

Elly May don't much
cotton to firearms.

Don't tell me she's
going to try to hit...

Pull!

And here I stand with my
cylinder bore, wide choke,

$1,200 imported
English skeet gun.

That's a dandy, all right.

Fella just about
couldn't miss with that.

Ha, I could.

And I think I'd better get
in a little practice right now.

Well, uh, we'll be
pushing along, then.

Oh, uh, do you mind if
I have my cousin Pearl

to let this out a mite?

I could shoot a lot better
if it don't bind me so tight.

Be my guest, Mr. Clampett.

Well, I'll pick you up about
9:00 in the morning, hmm?

Fine and dandy.
Bye and thank you.

Bye. Bye.

But, Mr. Hacker,
Mr. Clampett is out.

I can see that.

I'll just sit down
here and wait for him.

Sooner or later,
even vice presidents

have to show up for work.

You know, I've been thinking.

With Mr. Drysdale and
Miss Jane both gone,

maybe they need
me over to the bank.

Should I drop you off there?

Yeah, I reckon you'd better.

Here, Pearl knows how
much to let this out for me.

Yeah, I figure if I'm gonna
be any help to Mr. Drysdale,

I better get at it.

Well, howdy there.

You waitin' to see me?

Are you J.D. Clampett?

Sure am. Jed Clampett.

Vice President of this bank?

That's what they tell me.

You know, I just had
a hunch to come in.

I figure there might be
something I could do to help.

I think there's a world of
things you can do to help me,

Mr. Clampett.

That's just dandy.

I don't believe I
caught your name?

Hacker. William Hacker.

You call me Bill.

Well, howdy there, Bill.

It sure is nice to make
your acquaintance.

Sit down, sit down.

What can I do for you?

Well, to start off
with, you can tell me

how long you've been
in the banking business.

Well, uh,

this here is my first day.

And already you're
a vice president?

Well, that's the job
I'm commencing with.

I want to tell you, that
Mr. Drysdale is as fine

a man as you ever
want to work for.

Why, I ain't done nothing
the whole day but shoot skeet.

I see.

Tell me, do you
shoot good skeet?

Why, I never tried before today.

'Course, it don't
take much shooting

to bust them great big saucers,

especially if you
got a good rifle.

You shoot skeet with a rifle?

Well, I admit it's kind of
like shooting fish in a barrel.

My daughter Elly May does
just as good with her slingshot.

That's very interesting.

How did, uh,

how did Mr. Drysdale
happen to find you?

Oh, uh, we is
next-door neighbors.

You're a next-door
neighbor of Milburn Drysdale?

Up there at those
exclusive estates?

Yep. Matter of fact,

he got the place for me.

You see, I, uh,

come into a little
money here a while back.

25 or 30 million.

Dollars?

And to show you what kind
of a friend Mr. Drysdale is,

he's keepin' all of that
money right here in his bank,

and he ain't charging
me one penny to do it.

He's all heart, that
fellow, all heart.

Tell me, mister, uh...

Mr. Clampett,

how does it happen

that you're vice president
of this bank here?

Well, my nephew Jethro and
me was out front of the house...

My cousin Pearl's boy...

We was out there
in front of the house

shooting flies off the wall...

Excuse me,

shooting flies?

Yes, sir.

With rifles?

Yes, sir.

How far away?

Oh, it wasn't no more
than a couple hundred feet.

Well, along comes Mr. Drysdale.

♪ Can you win a round of skeet ♪

♪ Billy Boy, Billy Boy? ♪

♪ Can you win a round
of skeet, Billy Hacker? ♪

♪ No, I cannot Win a round from
that new teammate you found ♪

♪ He's a crack shot and
cannot miss the target. ♪

I'd like to point out

it is not too late to
do the decent thing.

Now, the bank's still open.

Select an employee
at random, take me.

We may lose, but we
will lose with honor.

♪ Is the trophy mine for keeps ♪

♪ Billy Boy, Billy Boy? ♪

♪ Is the trophy mine for
keeps, Billy Hacker? ♪

I says, "Mr. Drysdale,

I don't know nothing
about banking."

And he says...

Well, say, speaking of
Mr. Drysdale, here he comes.

Mr. Clampett, what
are you doing here?

Where should a
vice president be,

out shooting flies
off his front wall?

Hacker, you snoop,
get out of my bank.

Not until we first have a little
meeting with Mr. Pendleton.

Mr. Drysdale,

I am shocked to say the least.

Shocked and disillusioned.

I apologize, Mr. Pendleton.

My desire to win momentarily

overcame my sense of fair play.

But, I have a suggestion.

Suppose I select at random

an employee to be my teammate.

That seems sporting, eh, Hacker?

Yeah, I'll buy that.

Well, I have a
new, young janitor,

not a very bright kid, but nice.

Jethro Bodine.

Just a minute, Drysdale.

Isn't he Clampett's nephew,

the one he shoots
flies off the wall with?

Well, Drysdale, is this true?

Yes, yes, it is true.

Miss Hathaway,

I believe you're on overtime.

Right, Chief.

Good night, gentlemen.

Now, I have a
suggestion for you.

I'll pick an employee of yours
at random to be your teammate.

I consider that eminently fair.

Agreed, Drysdale?

You mean to say
that Pearl let this out,

and now he ain't
a-going to shoot?

I'm afraid Mr. Clampett is no
longer employed here, ma'am.

I declare!

Look, look at the
dust on that desk.

Jed Clampett was taught
to leave things clean.

Fetch me a broom.

But, ma'am...

Fetch me a broom!

Yes, ma'am.

I declare!

City living is spoiling
the whole darn family.

I choose you.

What's that?

Let's see how Mr. Drysdale
does with a scrub woman.

Fling!

Fling!

Relock, reload.

Fling!

Fling!

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ For kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.